coping with divorce - Page 10

Life after Divorce - When Fear Takes Over
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A Divorce Story – When Fear Takes Over

Published on
Charis Rooks
Author and Speake

The first 3 days without my ex-husband in our home was terrifying for me.

I could not sleep because I was constantly checking windows, doors, kids, and then I would start the rotation all over again until daylight.

After those three days passed by I noticed I would lie down but I couldn’t really sleep the way my body wanted me to sleep.  I was mentally and physically exhausted and on top of that I was sleep deprived.

I remember my fear was there are only three of us, me and my two daughters and no male protector in our home anymore, in those moments I felt overwhelmingly vulnerable.

I have come to notice that with divorce we tend to believe fear more so than anything else, I can definitely testify to this. For you it may not be a fear of being alone however, fear is fear regardless of the reason or situation.

Maybe your fear came in the form of a financial burden after the divorce. How will the mortgage get paid or how will I put food on the table. Did your nights become sleepless? Or maybe how will I be able to do everything that we planned for our future now on my own? Or maybe you are saying to yourself that you were barely keeping to a schedule with both of you in the household, so how in the world can you maintain structure alone?

There are several reasons and fear of the unknown seems to be the common denominator. I remember when I finally began to say to myself, “I will not allow fear to operate my car on this journey called life.”  I received an overwhelming sense of peace. I will be honest it wasn’t a onetime thing.

I said it daily and sure enough I began to sleep more and more peacefully as time went on. I began to check the doors less and less until I would check the doors one time and the kids once and I was out like a light bulb.

For more articles by Charis Rooks, Click here.

ABOUT CHARIS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

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Life after Divorce at 50 – Getting Out After Divorce

Published on
Charis Rooks
Author and Speaker

We have all had those days, days when it just feels like everything is hopeless and there is really no point in getting out of the bed.

For those women over 50 that have been through the struggles of divorce this might seem even more difficult than it did when you were in your 30s but it is all in your attitude.

Often, getting up and out with friends can make a huge difference in the way that you both perceive yourself and in how you work through your divorce.

Are you thinking to yourself all my friends are married or I really don’t have many friends?

Look into networks that specialize in events for women. I have learned that events such as empowerment conferences draw women from all ages and walks of life.

Not only will you obtain valuable information and insight that can help you on your new journey and you will have a supportive group of like-minded friends who are willing and able to travel along side of you.

Women are social and nurturing by nature and great friends can become the support network you never knew you needed.

For those going through divorce or having recently come out on the other side of it, friends can give you the encouragement, the resilience, and the sense of self that you may have lost.

Try going out with friends to dinner, take in a show, or just spend some much needed time talking about what makes you wonderful to help lift your spirits and get through divorce.

You can find more of Charis’ articles here

ABOUT CHARIS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

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Divorce Retreats and the 3 Top Tips for Coping with Divorce

Published on
Sue Atkins
Sue Atkins
Parenting Expert

In this interview, Sue Atkins, author and parenting expert, not only shares her 3 top tips for coping with divorce, and the initial stages of divorce but she also discusses what role divorce retreats play in helping those going through divorce cope with the divorce process from  legal, financial and emotional perspectives.

Just as people will invest and gain in attending weekend marriage retreats, so may others gain plenty in participating in divorce retreats.

Beginnings and endings can play such pivotal roles in our lives and the directions we take, that seeking support, clarity and understanding can help shape what a life after divorce will look like.

Find out more about the value of divorce retreats in the interview below.

Sue Atkins is a Parenting Expert, Writer, Speaker, Broadcaster and Parenting Coach & Mum as well as the author of the Amazon best selling books “Parenting Made Easy – How to Raise Happy Children” & ‘Raising Happy Children for Dummies’ one in the famous black and yellow series as well as the author of the highly acclaimed Parenting Made Easy MP3s and CDs and Workbooks.

Sue Atkins also regularly appear on the flagship award winning “This Morning” Show on ITV  with Holly Willoughby and Philip Scofield, BBC Breakfast television, The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2  and she has her own regular “Ask Sue” Parenting  Q & A phone- in on BBC Radio Surrey and Sussex once a month.

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pride and arrogance

A Divorce Story – How Pride and Arrogance Ruled my Life

Published on
Charis Rooks
Author and Speaker

Pride and arrogance were embedded in my thoughts after my second marriage.

I was so determined to not really tell anyone how much I was suffering out of pride. I also had this attitude because I had divorced before and I didn’t feel I needed anyone to help me.

When I was hurt I felt as if I couldn’t show it.

Reality was I had taken two huge financial blows in a course of a few short years.  If I needed something definitely this was the time that I needed it.

I remember, as a single mom, one day our company had a huge catered potluck. At the end of the potluck a member of our planning committee made the comment saying “I know this could probably help you, would you like to take these left overs for you and the kids”.

Now reality was yes this meal would have blessed us, however pride and arrogance caused me to say no and then the fall came as I stood there and watched food go into the trash that had never been opened.

There were selections of sandwiches wrapped perfectly with juices, fruits, drinks, and cookies. All of it would have definitely lasted us a couple days until my next payday.

I thought it was the worst thing that I could ever have seen, until I got home and my kids were hungry. That was truly the fall when I realized I passed up a blessing out of my own selfishness that impacted my kids.

I know there are some ladies out there just like I was so prideful and arrogant out of pain and brokenness.

Understand that you aren’t taking a hand out; you are receiving a blessing of resources you may not have imagined or been able to obtain yourself. While you are busy worrying about how to stretch $5 towards gas and food, you have been given food that will supply your need until your next paycheck.

If you are not working, then this blessing will carry you to the next one.  Never be ashamed to feed yourself or your children as I was. Speak up and remember that pride and arrogance will cause unnecessary pain and suffering in your life.

ABOUT CHARIS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

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Boosting Children’s Self-Esteem in Divorce

Boosting Children’s Self-Esteem in Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce affects children in many ways, including changes in their lifestyles and schedules.

It can also impact their self-esteem, especially if the youngsters felt they were the cause of their parents’ separation. Reassure them that they are not to blame.

Talk to your kids and correct any misconceptions tied to divorce such as, “If I was better, my parents would still be together.” Discover the root cause of a lower self-esteem in order to know how to help.

After my parents’ divorce as a small child, my self-esteem dipped.

Although this coincided with the divorce, it was not related. My father found out it was because I was one of the last to be picked for a team in physical education class, due to my poor batting skills. On Sunday afternoons, my father had me practice both hitting and catching a baseball. With this vast improvement, I was wanted for teams and my self-esteem got back to normal.

A key way to boost self-esteem is by giving children opportunities to build up their strengths and talents. If they are athletic, sign them up for sports. If artsy, then for classes. When children become proficient in their hobby, new skill or interest, this increases confidence. Confidence in one area spills over into others and raises their self-esteem.

Having a healthy self-esteem comes from within and is not dependent upon a cheering squad to pile on compliments. The trick is to help the child feel good about themselves and not be reliant upon others to give them validation.

My sons increased their feeling of self-worth by volunteering. Both helped out at an animal rescue charity. If a kid is feeling unlovable, giving back to others will change this gloomy outlook. My boys felt appreciated by both the affectionate animals and other volunteers. Volunteering enables them to feel that they have some power to make a difference in the world.

There is a trend to boost self-esteem by telling each child that they are “special.” There are seven billion people in the world, so I make it a point to inform my sons that they are NOT special.

Merriam Webster dictionary’s definition of special is “distinguished by some unusual quality” which is more in line with Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa and David Bowie. Each person has talents and characteristics which are unique, same as fingerprints are unique.

The new generation of “special” teens and twenties is becoming a nightmare in the workplace, which is the topic of conversations between my sons and their friends.

These special people do not want to clean the loo, take out the trash or do menial chores that are perceived beneath them. They do not handle feedback or job evaluations well either, since they were bombarded with praise as kids.

It is a rude awakening for these “special” young people later in life, that the world does not owe them anything. Special implies special treatment, often with a sense of entitlement. I witness this over and over in the schools. A teacher told me that the children who are told they are special, are the ones who baulk at doing classroom chores. Another said youngsters can get used to receiving “unspecified praise.” Instead, praise them after a hard-earned accomplishment, as in winning a regional championship or a well-done performance.

Nurture your children during divorce with cuddles and attention. Do family activities together and have fun. Children feel more secure and know what to expect when boundaries are clear.

Our job as parents is to help kids feel good about themselves without a sense of entitlement and to respect others.

Ask kids periodically how they are feeling and if there are any issues. If you are sensing that their self-esteem is low or they are not adjusting to your divorce, consider having them see a child coach or therapist to help set them on the right path.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Divorce after the Holidays
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Divorce after the Holidays

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Some people have chosen to stay together until after the holidays for a variety of reasons.

It may be to give the children one last Christmas together.

One agony aunt printed a letter from a woman whose daughter-in-law is filing for divorce at the beginning of the year. She questioned what to buy an exiting in-law for Christmas and how to deal with this charade around her grandchildren (who are not informed of the upcoming parental split).

A couple may be hoping that the holiday season will patch up any holes in their relationship. The magic of Christmas does not extend to fixing a broken marital partnership.

The holidays can shine a spotlight on problems that are bubbling up just under the surface. Busy day to day activities with a packed schedule can mask issues that are not being addressed. When one or both have long job commutes or kids with jammed agendas, this enables a couple to pretend that everything is okay.

When interacting with each other (or attempting to avoid it) during holiday time off from work, spouses can feel empty inside.

When holidays are lonelier being married than they ever were when single, this is a warning that something needs to be done. Holidays can be the big wakeup call that you really do not want to be with your partner for the next set of holidays the following December.

After a few excruciating New Year’s Eves with her husband, a woman thought over their relationship.  Coming to the realization that she did not ever want to be alone with him, pushed her into ending her marriage. Although now divorced, her solo New Year’s Eves are something she anticipates rather than dreads.

The holidays are over and people are thinking about New Year resolutions or changes that they want to make in their lives.

This introspection is one reason that divorce solicitors and mediators are extra busy in January and February. Feeling hollow and that the holidays were lacking something, can point that all is not well with an area in life. If things are going fine at work, with kids and so forth, then look at your marriage.

Some spouses do not see that they are avoiding each other by participating in a whirlwind of holiday events.

People that are only staying together for the sake of the kids may find holidays extra challenging.

A parent who was trying to stay married until at least her youngest daughter was close to going to uni planned a cruise over Christmas. Yes, she only had to be with her spouse in a festive group setting, but the cruise only slightly delayed the inevitable. She filed for divorce the following February long before her target date.

The holiday cruise was merely a distraction from her toxic marriage, not a solution.

The holidays may have highlighted some hidden issues, so see if your relationship can be salvaged. Talk to your spouse about your relationship to determine if they are also having questions or issues. Some do this when walking which makes it easier to open up without having to make eye contact.

Others may choose to discuss their relationship at the pub or over a glass of wine. If things are not resolved, consider marital counselling.  If your spouse refuses to do so, then go alone.

If you get a divorce this year, The Divorce Magazine has plenty of suggestions how to have happy holidays when single.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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How to know if Divorce is for you in 2017

Published on
Sara Davison
Sara Davison
Divorce and Break-up Coach

We live in a highly disposable culture these days where if we don’t like something we change it.

In many cases we don’t think long and hard about it or even try to make it work out – we just swap it for something else, the latest mobile phone, pair of trainers or even dating on Tinder.

The days of marriage is for life are long gone and we are no longer a generation of “until death do us part” believers.

With the divorce rates in the UK at 42% and in the US almost 50% it really does prove that marriage is no longer for life and if we get fed up, we leave.

I find it fascinating how we spend so much time thinking about our careers and planning our next move and how to impress the boss. Yet when it comes to relationships as soon as we are married we sit back and just expect it to work out well with no effort! It’s not surprising the wheels fall off somewhere down the line.

However getting a divorce is not an easy decision to make.

It’s important to understand what you will have to face before you make the decision to get a divorce. It takes a long time to commit to a marriage so it should take careful consideration to leave.

If you’re struggling to make the decision it is most probably because you don’t have enough clear information to make that decision and are still being pulled in different directions emotionally. Feelings of guilt and uncertainty can cloud your judgement so by having more clarity around what the process looks like you will reduce the overwhelm and stress and enable you to make a better decision.

I have created a simple technique called “No Regrets” which will give you more clarity about whether divorce is the right way forward for you.

In an ideal scenario it involves you sitting down with your partner to find a way to work together to do your best to save the marriage for a period of three months. However it will also work without the co-operation of your partner and will enable you to be able to make a more informed decision that won’t leave you with regrets or asking yourself “what if I had done this or that?”

Step 1: Create a time to sit down with your partner where you won’t be disturbed. If you are doing this alone then find some quite time with no interruptions.

Step 2: Start by writing down what you love about your partner and what you like about your relationship. It’s important to focus on the positive side first however hard this may be if you have been in a rut of only seeing the negative. Discuss this calmly with your partner if they are present and as ask them to do the same exercise.

Step 3: Write down a list of areas that need improvement and that you are not happy with. If you are working with a partner do your best to phrase these in a non-confrontational way. Agree that you won’t blame each other and keep focused on the outcome that is to find a way to save your relationship.

Step 4: Now work out 5 actions each that you agree to do that will help to improve the state of your relationship. If you are working together then agree to hold each other kindly to your five actions and to do your best to follow them through for the full three months.

How to know if Divorce is for youIf you are working through this exercise on your own you need to be honest about your responsibility in the breakdown of your marriage and step into your partner’s shoes to see how you can best rectify the issues.

I have seen many times that one partner has started this exercise alone and before long their partner has noticed such a positive change that they begin to try harder too. Relationships can be saved with better communication so try this first to ensure you don’t thrown away a great thing too soon.

If you have children there will be even more to consider as you will have to think through the impact on them too.

I’m a big believer that divorce doesn’t have to damage kids but it will depend on the parents and how they behave. Often they are more resilient than you think but it will depend on their age and their personality too, no one child will react the same way so it’s important to do your best to prepare how to help them cope with the break-up too.

Don’t be fooled by the Hollywood gloss of “conscious uncoupling” or moving on to your next partner within a heartbeat of becoming single. It just doesn’t happen like that in reality. The truth is that divorce is the second most traumatic life event after the death of a loved one. In fact the two are so similar that they follow the same 5 stages of grief.

The 5 stages you will go through after a break-up are:

  • Denial – This is when you stick your head in the sand and pretend it isn’t happening. It feels that if you actually talk about it then it becomes all too real. Many people can carry on for months in this way and never really face up to what is happening.
  • Anger – This is when you start to resent what is happening to you and get furious with your partner or the situation. You may even feel utter rage about breaking up the family and the consequences that you are going to have to face.
  • Bargaining – This is where you will do anything to hold on to your relationship, including sacrificing your values and beliefs and even forgiving adultery or abuse to avoid facing any change. Common behaviours during this phase are to try to lose weight or be a better partner in every.
  • Depression – This is a natural part of any break-up as it is part of the grieving process. You have to acknowledge your feelings of sadness and despair in order to come to terms with them. It’s important to realise that it will end and it not going to last forever.
  • Acceptance – This is when you have removed the rose-tinted glasses and are seeing your partner warts and all. You feeling more positive about your situation and have accepted that the relationship is over. Many clients I see get stuck here as they don’t know how to move forward, even though they have let go of their ex.

Divorce doesn’t need to be an aggressive severing if you take action to think how to best support everyone before you make the decision.

Being kind and doing the right thing will serve you well in the long run. If you have children and are feeling guilty then consider what message you are teaching them by staying in an unhappy marriage.

Remember you are their role model and they will take their lead from you.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though and it is true that we only live once so there is no point staying in an unhappy marriage. I firmly believe that divorce can be the best thing that has ever happened to you as it really does give you a chance to redesign your life the way you want it to be.

It is true that sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can come together.

ABOUT SARA

Sara Davison is a highly credible life and business expert whose own personal experience has led to her creating a unique divorce coaching programme designed to support individuals with the tools, techniques and advice needed to journey through divorce.

An NLP Master Practitioner, with 16 years’ coaching experience, Sara has successfully built and developed a global business and has worked with some of the top names in personal development such as ; Anthony Robbins, Paul McKenna, Barefoot Doctor and more.

With a wealth of experience helping others through challenging situations, as well as the experience of her own marriage breakdown, Sara was inspired to create a bespoke divorce coaching program that would help guide those battling through the process of divorce. The program offers tailored, practical advice and strategies to help people move forward.

Sara’s aim is to change the stigma associated with divorce in the UK. She wants to encourage people to ask for help, and teach people the skills to get from where they are to where they want to be.

For more information see saradavison.com for more details.

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How to Deal with Heartbreak after a Breakup
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How to Deal with Heartbreak after a Breakup

Published on
Sara Davison
Sara Davison
Divorce and Break-up Coach

How can I get over this heartbreak and recover from divorce and/or separation?

This is the question TDM put forward to Divorce Coach, Sara Davison.

According to Sara, when a relationship is over, you do go through a lot of very different and negative emotions, but she advices that, just for a minute,  do take off the rose-tinted glasses and really look at what was wrong with that relationship in the first place.  

Think about what it is that you don’t have to tolerate now that you had to live with before?

There have to be things that weren’t quite right and that person wasn’t the right partner for you because the ideal partner wouldn’t leave. 

She goes on: “tip that balance from looking into the past which is all about your story and retelling your story over and over again and and flipping that to the future, where you create a compelling future that you’re excited to get up and live.

So if someone has left your life and there’s a gap in your life, we need to put together some stepping stones, some activities that you can follow through that will fill that gap and slowly that heartbreak will dissipate as you tip those scales as you move towards something more exciting.“

You can hear more of Sara’s advice on how to deal with heartbreak after a breakup and information on her upcoming retreat in February 2017.

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considering divorce

Are you Considering Divorce?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Therapist
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I have gone through divorce twice; the first one was 20 years ago and the second 12 years ago.

Truth is going through divorce is never an easy process however amicable. It will hurt greatly at some point during the process both financially and emotionally but it doesn’t have to define who you are for the rest of your life.

You will get through it. You will be ok but you will have to work hard to be so.

If you’re truly uncertain if divorce is the right way for you to go, I would personally suggest not doing anything for the moment.  Wait and see how you feel later on, maybe next, month or even later.

Ask yourself if you have done all that you can to keep your marriage.  If not, what more can you do?  Do all that you can.

If you’re considering divorce here are some FAQs with responses but you will find a lot more articles, authored by divorce professionals, on The Divorce Magazine to help you through your divorce process.

Do I need a divorce lawyer?

Yes. This should be one of the first and wisest things to do.  I would suggest that you speak with at least 3 divorce lawyers because just as you would get, at the very minimum, 3 different estimations for your kitchen extension, you really should do the same with your divorce lawyer before settling on one.

Why do I need a lawyer?

Simply put, for legal advice. You need to know that whatever steps you’re taking or planning on taking are not only legal and possible but that you’re being realistic and fair to you and your soon-to-be-ex.

How much will a divorce cost?

Very popular question indeed but the simple answer is, it depends on many factors including what divorce process you pick.

There are divorce lawyers who will offer what I would call package deals which are great in giving you some indication of how much the process is likely to cost.  When you speak with the various lawyers, then ask about this.  In fact, do be afraid of asking as many questions as you can think off regarding cost.

As a divorce process, family mediation, for instance, tends to work out much cheaper than working through the whole divorce process solely via lawyers.

The more you and your soon-to-be-ex can agree on together the less expensive your divorce costs are likely to be.

Here’s an article on How to Reduce the Cost of Divorce that can give you even more information.

What other divorce processes are there?

Fortunately, there are many other ways of dealing with your divorce process other than the “traditional” lawyer/client fashion. Here are some:

With the first three divorce processes, you will be working directly with divorce lawyers. With the other two, don’t forget to seek legal advice before agreeing to any divorce settlement.

What about the children, can I get full custody (sole residency)?

This is extremely difficult to get as the courts always seek to do what is right for your children and unless there are major safety issues for instance, they will try and ensure that your children remain in good contact with both parents as much as possible.

Here’s an article that would best answer any questions you have on full custody.

My advice, regarding the children, is to continuously and persistently keep in mind that it benefits them greatly if you can provide them with the space and time where they can see both parents as much as possible by creating an age appropriate parenting plan.

They will be suffering many losses as you go through the divorce and will need both of you to make sure they are ok.

What about child maintenance or child support? How do I know how much to expect or to pay out?

Our article on  Free Child Maintenance Calculator will tell you what factors are taken into consideration regarding child support payments, how to calculate child maintenance as well as how to apply for child maintenance.

If you decide to go ahead and start the divorce process, talk.

Talk to people you trust and talk to your children’s school.  Surround yourself with people whom you know will be supportive and objective and don’t use your lawyer as a counsellor, therapist it’s only likely to cost you and they need to focus on the legal side of your divorce.

Brace yourself for a journey that is likely to get quite emotionally, physically and mentally draining but like I said at the start, you will get over it, you will be ok, you just have to work at getting there because like Maya Angelou once said, “nothing works unless you do”.

If you have even more questions to which you would like some answers then don’t hesitate to contact any of the divorce lawyers who feature in The Divorce Magazine and speak with them.

If your main issue is to do with your children before, during and after divorce, including creating age appropriate parenting plans, you can contact me on +44 (0)7850 85 60 66 or email me soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine.

 

 

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coping after breakup

7 Essential Steps to Coping with the Holidays after a Breakup

Published on
Sara Davison
Sara Davison
Divorce Coach

Christmas holidays are by far one of the toughest times after a breakup or divorce because it is traditionally a time for families and loved ones to come together.

For many people it heightens the feelings of loneliness and highlights fact that they are single and no longer with their ex.

It can stir up negative emotions that usually are manageable with the daily routines of everyday life. However during the holidays it gets harder to distract yourself as the focus shifts to where you will be, what you will do and who you will spend your holiday time with.

Everyone’s breakup is different and affects them in different ways.

Some people find the emotional rollercoaster the hardest part to cope with and for others it’s the new practical challenges they face that are the toughest to deal with. But whatever the circumstances the ripple effects of a breakup can be the cause of much stress and upset over the Christmas holidays.

The build up to Christmas can be really tricky when everyone around you is getting excited and making plans.

A female client of mine, Sasha, came to see me distraught as this year she would not have her two young children for 10 days including Xmas Day and Boxing Day.

All the talk about the holidays with the mums at the school gates was making her feel like the odd one out and she was fed up of putting on a brave face.

A newly divorced male client of mine recently explained that for the last 12 years he has always cooked the Christmas lunch for his family and then on Boxing Day he always cooked a goose. It was special to him as it was their family ritual and now he had to get to grips with the fact that he wouldn’t even be seeing his children on those days.

They were spending it with his ex-wives family this year and he would have to wait until next year to spend Christmas Day with his kids. He had been enjoying this routine for so many years that he could not imagine Christmas without his children.

A close friend of mine, Emma, was dumped by her boyfriend out of the blue and she was terrified of spending the Christmas holidays alone. She was totally heart broken and her feelings were amplified by the feeling of loss at a time when loved ones are traditionally together.

But the good news is there are lots of things you can do to help you cope better over Christmas after a break up. Here are my top 7 steps:

  1. Give yourself a break: Remember that feeling sad is a normal and necessary part of the grieving process after a breakup. Crying and feeling low is part of the healing process you have to go through and if you try to avoid it by stuffing down negative emotions and distracting yourself, they will come back to haunt you and show up in other ways. It’s ok to cry as it helps to release the negative emotions.
  1. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people: The people you surround yourself with will play a large part in determining how you feel. So take care to choose to spend quality time with people who make you feel good about yourself and who are positive about the future. Sometimes even the most well-meaning friends and family can be emotionally involved in your breakup and can make you feel worse. Make plans to see the people who make you laugh and you look forward to being around.
  1. Recreate Christmas for your kids: If you won’t be with your kids on 25thDecember then you don’t have to miss out on those magic moments. You can celebrate on another date! Pick three days when you do have them and recreate Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day on those days instead. Father Christmas will come twice for children who have two homes!
  1. Do something different: Plan ahead and make the actual 25thDecember a special day for you that you will enjoy. Do something that you wouldn’t normally do. Maybe spend it with other single friends, take a trip to visit friends you would not normally get the chance to see, volunteering to do some charity work is a great way to put things into perspective, or go out to a restaurant the kids would never have sat still for!
  1. Change the way you look at it: Instead of feeling sad about it and seeing it as a negative use my technique Flip It to find the positive about it and focus on that. It may be that you get some quality “you time” or help others less fortunate than you. It may take some practice to find something positive but changing your focus will have a huge impact on how you feel.
  1. Get your sparkle back: Get your diary out and plan in some activities that you will look forward to. Make sure you get a good balance between quiet time where you can rest and pamper yourself and also fun times where you are out, socialising and having fun. Don’t be afraid to try new things either. A client of mine tried trampolining and found it made him completely relax as he couldn’t hold on to any negativity whilst bouncing around!
  1. Take the opportunity to plan for 2017: Set the new year up to a great start and spend some time thinking about what you would like the future to look like for you. What do you want to achieve in 2017? What would you like to start doing? What would you like to stop doing? Set yourself some goals to kick your new year off in the right direction.

Remember that it’s not what happens to you in life that counts, it’s what you do about it that defines you as a person.

So take back your control of the Christmas holidays and decide what you want to do and how you want to feel. By getting a plan together you can create a Christmas you enjoy and some incredible magic moments you will always remember.

ABOUT SARA

Sara Davison is a highly credible life and business expert whose own personal experience has led to her creating a unique divorce coaching programme designed to support individuals with the tools, techniques and advice needed to journey through divorce.

An NLP Master Practitioner, with 16 years’ coaching experience, Sara has successfully built and developed a global business and has worked with some of the top names in personal development such as ; Anthony Robbins, Paul McKenna, Barefoot Doctor and more.

With a wealth of experience helping others through challenging situations, as well as the experience of her own marriage breakdown, Sara was inspired to create a bespoke divorce coaching program that would help guide those battling through the process of divorce. The program offers tailored, practical advice and strategies to help people move forward.

Sara’s aim is to change the stigma associated with divorce in the UK. She wants to encourage people to ask for help, and teach people the skills to get from where they are to where they want to be.

For more information see saradavison.com for more details.

 

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Is Christmas the Season to Break-up
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Is Christmas the Season to Break-up?

Published on
Sara Davison
Sara Davison
Divorce Coach

Family law firms always see a sharp rise in clients in the New Year. In fact January 6th is known as Divorce Day as they receive so many enquiries about getting a divorce.

So what is behind this peak so soon after Christmas? Why are there so many people wanting to start divorce proceedings as soon as the festive period comes to an end, a time traditionally known for being together with family?

It’s a sad fact that as many as 42% of couples find themselves heading for divorce in the UK. This figure is as high as 50% in the USA.

Divorce is not an easy process, in fact it’s known as the second most traumatic life experience after death of a loved one.

It involves a rollercoaster of emotions and many new practical challenges so we need to give it careful consideration when we decide to leave a marriage.

The new year peak in starting divorce proceedings is the same every year. There are several factors that cause this and things to look out for:

  • Spending quality time with the family in the holidays if you have a solid relationship can make it even stronger. However if the foundations of the relationship are rocky spending increased amounts of time together can increase the pressure and the cracks will start to show.
  • Over Xmas the usual routine of work and school runs is disrupted. We are no longer distracted by them and so we have more time to focus on the relationship and how it is going. It is under more scrutiny as couples are spending more time together.
  • Many people have actually decided to break up well before Christmas will have made the decision to get through the festive period as not to upset the family, especially if there are children involved, and then leave in the new year.Is Christmas the Season to Break-up
  • Spending time with extended family often puts a lot of pressure on a couple. Tensions can mount if they don’t get along well or have to walk on egg shells around each other’s family.
  • Couples often have different expectations of the Christmas holidays. If one sees it as a chance to put their feet up as they are not at work and the other is left to entertain the kids or cook for everyone it can cause arguments.
  • Financial pressures can mount over Christmas as pressure to provide the latest gift for the children and feed the extended family for days on end can be extremely high. This can inevitably cause arguments and tension for couples.
  • It’s the season for parties and drinking and if your relationship is already on the rocks it can sadly be a trigger for infidelity.

All these festive period pressures can reach a crescendo, what I call a switch flicking moment, when something tips the balance and you decide you just can’t do this anymore. Enough is enough and you want out. Unfortunately this is the case for many couples and why the divorce rate peaks in the new year.

However if you are aware of this there are things you can do to help your relationship survive Christmas. Here are my 7 top tips to avoiding breaking up over Christmas:

  • Don’t let problems fester. If there are any issues raise them with your partner and work together to sort them out before any irreparable damage is done.
  • Set aside some time to discuss what you want from the holidays and how you see it working. Make a plan that you both agree to and are happy with.
  • Agree a financial budget for the Christmas period in advance and stick to it.
  • Make a conscious decision to stay calm and to keep spirits up over Christmas. Don’t be the person who brings the mood down.
  • Do your best to get along with the in laws and extended family. Agree to keep visits to a minimum if you know they always cause unnecessary stress.
  • Keep the love alive: Be affectionate and playful with your partner. Arrange quality alone time over the holidays where you spend time together doing the things you love.
  • Don’t take things too seriously: Keep perspective on the magnitude and significance of things that might trigger an argument. Remember you can diffuse an argument before it happens by choosing to react with love. For example giving them a hug or telling them you love them can diffuse the tension in a heartbeat if you do it sincerely.

The key to any successful relationship is good communication. Find a way that works for you both and remember that you will both have different methods of communicating how you feel.

Sticking your head in the sand isn’t a great way to deal with issues and it’s always best to nip them in the bud right away. However it’s never too late to start communicating better with your partner.

Be kind, respectful and empathetic towards each other and you will find that your relationship can overcome many obstacles.

ABOUT SARA

Sara Davison is a highly credible life and business expert whose own personal experience has led to her creating a unique divorce coaching programme designed to support individuals with the tools, techniques and advice needed to journey through divorce.

An NLP Master Practitioner, with 16 years’ coaching experience, Sara has successfully built and developed a global business and has worked with some of the top names in personal development such as ; Anthony Robbins, Paul McKenna, Barefoot Doctor and more.

With a wealth of experience helping others through challenging situations, as well as the experience of her own marriage breakdown, Sara was inspired to create a bespoke divorce coaching program that would help guide those battling through the process of divorce. The program offers tailored, practical advice and strategies to help people move forward.

Sara’s aim is to change the stigma associated with divorce in the UK. She wants to encourage people to ask for help, and teach people the skills to get from where they are to where they want to be.

For more information see saradavison.com for more details.

 

 

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Unresolved Former Relationship
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TV Request – Unresolved Former Relationship

Published on

Unresolved Former RelationshipTwoFour Broadcast, the award-winning TV company behind programmes such as Educating Yorkshire, This Time Next Year and The Jump are working on a new TV series and are looking for people to take part.

The new show will explore past relationships, giving you the chance to approach your ex in a heartfelt and genuine way

The TwoFour casting team are looking to speak to you if you have an unresolved former relationship. You may want a second chance, the answer to specific questions or just to find some closure once and for all.

Aiming to create a positive experience for you and your ex, the team will reunite couples in a comfortable and relaxed space – a chance to honestly talk things through and move forward.

Once they have your blessing, the team will be the ones who would reach out to your ex to see if they’re interested.

Interested in taking part?

The filming will take place in London and you will be required to take part for two days in February 2017.

Cameras will be discreet and non-intrusive, so couples can feel relaxed in their own space without the presence of a crew.

All travel expenses will be covered, as well as dinner and accommodation.

How to apply:

If you’re interested, or know someone else who might be, then please get in touch with TwoFour today. Click here to register your interest or if you have any questions email relationships@twofour.co.uk, quoting The Divorce Magazine.

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