coping with divorce - Page 9

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How to Start a Small Business after Divorce

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Rasheed Ogunlaru, who has previously been feature in thedivorcemagazine.co.uk is a life coach business coach motivational speaker and author of Soul Trader: Putting the Heart Back into your Business

Rasheed helps people move forward in their life, in their career, their business and in their workplace.

Here’s an excerpt of our most recent interview:

There are many who have been through divorce or separation who now find themselves in a situation where they need to get back to work and they opt to become their own boss for whatever reason.  Only thing is they don’t know what business to get involved in.  What advice would you give them in terms of finding their direction?

Divorce can be difficult and challenging but sometimes the whole process can actually be one of blessings, one of positives in that it asks you to revaluate your whole life – “What am I doing in terms of my career, in terms of my work?” So the good thing is that it might give rise to these feelings of “actually I do want to do something but I’m not sure what”

So let’s deal with the people who perhaps want to be their own boss but don’t know how to go about it. 

  • Best starting point is to ask yourself a couple of things, “What’s really important in life and what’s important to you in a potential business?”

I ask that because there might be certain things in your life and life balance that are really important for instance, it might be your life circumstance, that you have children, maybe you’re a carer.  There are certain things that you really need to be mindful off when you start thinking about a business including location, health and wellbeing and more so really the circumstances that you are in at that given moment.

  • Then once you start zooming in on the business itself, what are the things that I am passionate about and what are my skills?

These are very important questions because the whole journey of starting up is going to be very difficult – its going to take time, it’s going to take energy and resources and resourcefulness.

You really need to think hard before starting something that you are not passionate about or where you do’t have skills for.   It’s advisable to chat to other people you know and who are their own boss and ask them what they do, how they found their passion because there might be clues in there for you.

  • What kind of personality? What kind of mindset?

Are you someone who needs certainty?  Then starting your own business is not for you.  If you need that guarantee of a paycheque then starting a business is not for you.

But if you are a self-starter, independent and resourceful, with a can-do attitude who doesn’t need that certainty then starting a business might be for you. 

A lot of it is also about confidence and you need to be confident about your skills set.  So if you have these qualities then you’re going to be well placed for business.

  • Also looking at your own circumstance, with divorce in mind.

Was your divorce recent and very acrimonious, was it really costly, has it left you emotionally drained, is now the best time to set up your business or could you spend a bit more time looking into it, researching and preparing for it and then starting it when you feel really ready to get on with it. 

Listen to the rest of the interview where Rasheed answers more questions including:

  • What are the must dos when you are starting a business?
  • Why is a business plan necessary when starting a business?
  • Many people find networking quite intimidating and makes them feel slightly uncomfortable. Why is this a vital part of business start-up? 
  • What’s the difference between coaching and mentoring and which one should one work with initially?

For free resources from Rasheed click here – soul-trader.biz, where you will also find information on his networking for success workshops click here – http://rasaru.com/

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Current Marriage and Divorce Rate UK
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Current Marriage and Divorce Rates UK

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Jon Gilbert
Jon Gilbert
Partner MHHP Law

Divorce has long been touted as being almost inevitable for couples getting married in recent years, with the phrase “1 in 2 marriages end in divorce” said far too often.

However, it may surprise some of you to learn that divorce is no longer on the rise for couples. In fact, quite the opposite.

Currently, the gap between marriages and divorces is at its widest in over twenty years, and while the marriage-divorce ratio is still 2:1, now only 44% of marriages are resulting in separation, and the numbers look to keep on dropping.

In fact, the relationship support experts Relate, after surveying over 5,000 people across the UK, found that 78% of those 5,000 felt happy and even perfect about their relationship, and 75% said they were in a satisfying relationship.

The infographic below lays out all this positive information for you, as well as the top 10 most typical issues marriages have to deal with, and the top 7 signs your marriage is heading down a bad path that you should definitely be aware of.

Being aware of these signs can help you tackle any relationship issues before they become unfixable, and help you resolve them.

About Jon

Jon Gilbert is a partner at the Barnet-based legal firm MHHP Law. Graduating with an LLB (hons) in Law with French Law, Jon was admitted as a solicitor in 2008, and currently specialises in civil litigation and family law.

Current Marriage and Divorce Rate UK

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Loss - Wendy Cope
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Loss – Wendy Cope

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Wendy CopeLoss

– By Wendy Cope –

The day he moved out was terrible —
That evening she went through hell.
His absence wasn’t a problem
But the corkscrew had gone as well.

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Life after Divorce – 20 Years Since My Divorce, And I Am Better For It

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Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

This year, 2016, is officially 20 years after my marriage breakup.

For those of us who grew up in the 1950s, we thought the future would be much like our parents. We married, had families, but then, unlike our parents, many of us divorced.

Twenty-five years ago I would have told you I was the luckiest woman in the world. I was married to my best friend who I adored and had two wonderful sons. I had it all including the home and picket fence.

As it turned out, there was no luck in my marriage. The marital secrets he revealed crippled me emotionally for years after the breakup. I was such an innocent in 1996 and he knew it.

Even in the earliest, darkest days and nights after he left, I was determined to get better emotionally. There are family and friends who thought I talked too much about it. I probably did. But, we are all on our own timeline with grief recovery.

The advice that you will get over it — is not true.

Far more apt is what someone said to me back then. Life after divorce is like having had a broken arm — there is always a slight twinge in the damp weather. It’s a much longer, softer lens when I look back but it is part of who I am. My history.

Throughout, my sons have always been a source of strength for me. They were in their late teens at the time. We became a very single-parent family quickly, creating new traditions, forging a solid family unit.

They forgave my mistakes and emotional stumbling and were my cheering section with my successes.

I don’t believe older children find divorce easier. When a marriage disintegrates, the family unit as it has been known does too. The expected future — lost. Painful for children at any age.

And just how does a parent walk away from a family and turn their back on everything they have known? In so many divorce stories, that narrative repeats over and over. So often, those people who cause the marital breakup, create a future where they drop in and out of their children’s lives based on convenience.

One of the many miracles in my life was finding the most understanding and skilled counsellor during the death throes of my marriage. For the next three years, she helped me piece together a life I thought was shattered. I began to realize my own self-worth and how love had indeed blinded me to the result of constant personal denigration.

A strong lesson in choices was a theme during our sessions.

“Don’t feel sorry for him,” she said, “because he made the choices that brought about the end of the marriage. ”

The past 20 years have been about my choices. I had no control over what had happened in my marriage but I did have a choice in how I lived my life going forward.

Again, I was fortunate to have a career I loved, and a supportive administration who allowed me to pursue and excel in my chosen field of guidance.

I had always wanted to live and work abroad and was able to do that. Packing two big satchels and moving to a brand new country on my own was an extraordinary, empowering experience.

Twenty years ago, when he left, I was denied one future. It hasn’t been easy. However, now I believe that leaving was the greatest gift he ever gave me.

Dating was more of a challenge. Marrying my childhood sweetheart had given me little opportunity for emotional growth. I had to learn how to date again. In retrospect, that was fraught with its own hilarity. But each time a Mr. Right Now came into my life, it gave me another opportunity to learn how to have a healthy, mature relationship. Training wheels for the future.

My own space is as important as shared space. On the evenings that I own the remote control — I am happy that I do.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience.

As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

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Start the Divorce Process

How to Start the Divorce Process

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

In April 22nd, 2014 a change was made in Family Law to have a couple attend a mediation information and assessment meeting (MIAM) to see if mediation is a viable option for them as a divorce process and as a possible way of avoiding court altogether.

A mediator can put in writing that a couple attend a mediation interview, but are choosing litigation instead.

During divorce, a judge may send spouses to mediation to negotiate just one aspect of it, such as child arrangements or finances. A mediator does not provide legal advice, even if he/she is a solicitor.

One can obtain the required divorce forms to apply for divorce from the court. The clerks will give out the correct forms but do not dispense legal advice. The Ministry of Justice website www.justice.gov.uk also has the necessary forms.

The Citizens’ Advice Bureau (CAB) is able to give some generic advice or steer one to a specialist who can be of assistance. CAB has an informative web site www.citizensadvice.org.uk.

There are various online divorce kits for simple divorces. It is still prudent to have a solicitor check over these forms before submission. In Scotland the sheriff’s court has these forms and the CAB will assist you in filling these out.

Before starting divorce, you may want to ascertain that your name is on the house deed by contacting the Land Registry, if you are unsure. If it is only in your spouse’s name, then you can register your interest in the house. For a small fee, the Land Office can do a search for the title number and send you a form to show your rights to co-own the house.

Pre-divorce, speak to a solicitor first to make sure you are not doing anything to compromise a divorce. She may advise you not to move out of the marital home or other actions. She can prevent the other spouse from getting rid of community assets or liquidating a joint bank account.

Criteria for Divorce:

  • A couple must have been married for a year in England and Wales before a divorce petition can be filed.
  • In Scotland there is no minimum time to be married before initiating divorce.
  • In Northern Ireland the minimum time is two years before divorce proceedings.

Domicile is the country where one has an attachment or connection, such as by birth. It can be where you have a passport or your family resides.

One can be living abroad and still get a divorce in the UK. An English couple working in Los Angeles can still have their divorce proceedings through the English court, because they are domiciled in the UK. If the divorce is not contested (disagreed upon) then neither has to appear in court and their solicitors can handle the divorce from afar. Neither spouse can have filed in another country first.

Habitual residency is the place where you live and work. One does not have to have been born in that country, but now has long-term ties to that locale.

If a person from India has lived in London for many years, she is entitled to file to a divorce in England. It does not matter that she makes trips back to Delhi every year to visit family, because her life is in London. In England and Wales the minimum time of habitual residency before being able to initiate divorce is one year.

Jurisdiction is the geographical area that has legal authority to hear a case. If ones lives in Leeds that is the place where the divorce petition is filed, not in a different city such as Manchester. One initiates divorce where one lives or has domicile. This is the location where one has habitual residency.

Two Americans were studying in Cambridge and got married in this country. They lived in the Cambridgeshire area for three years before returning to the States.

After two years there, they decided to divorce. Even though they married in England, they no longer have habitual residency so would have to be divorced in the US. Had they decided to divorce before leaving England, they could have gotten a UK Divorce. They were married and had residency in England for over one year.

Getting Started with Divorce in the UK:  

In England and Wales, the person filing for divorce is the petitioner and in Scotland it is the pursuer. The other spouse is the respondent in England and Wales and the defender in Scotland.

The process of divorce commences when the petitioner files the divorce petition to the court. Included with the petition is:

  • Marriage certificate
  • Issues of divorce with one of the grounds
  • What you want to receive financially

How to start divorce processIf the couple has children then a Statement of Arrangements must also be sent which includes:

  • Where they now live and future visitation plans
  • Their school and any educational or after school needs
  • Any child support requested
  • Any disability or health requirements
  • A Parenting Plan may be attached

The spouse must formally be served these papers in one of these ways:

  • The court posts these papers to your spouse adding the Acknowledgment of Service You or your solicitor will be notified if they are returned back to the court as undeliverable.
  • A bailiff can serve the divorce papers directly to your spouse. A certain form is filled out and a fee is collected for this service.
  • One can pay a private processor to find the spouse and serve the papers.
  • In Scotland there is no Acknowledgement of Service sent to the defender (respondent) spouse. They receive the initial writ from the court containing the grounds for divorce, arrangements for children, and finances. If the other spouse disagrees with any of these, then they fill out a Notice of Intention to Defend form and return it to the court.

The respondent has a week to respond and to send an Acknowledgement of Service to the court verifying that it was received and contains the following:

  • If he/she consents to the divorce
  • Objects to anything in the petition
  • Agrees or disagrees with Arrangements for Children

The respondent has twenty-eight days to file an answer if he intends to defend (contest) the divorce. He can file a ‘’cross petition’’ if he feels that the marriage is over, but not for the reason that the petitioner stated in the divorce petition.

After the respondent returns the Acknowledgement of Service to the court, a copy is posted to the petitioner or their solicitor.

`The next step in the divorce process is the petitioner files an Affidavit with the court. This is a sworn statement that is done before another solicitor (not yours) or a court official which verifies that the signature on the Acknowledgement of Service form is that of your spouse. Also you confirm what is in the Divorce Petition is correct.

Both spouses fill out the incredibly detailed, twenty-eight page Form E or Statement of Means, and give it to the court and the other solicitor. If there is to be a court hearing, then Form E is to arrive thirty-five days ahead of time. This form is a disclosure of what one’s assets are and copies of financial records are attached to this sworn document. Mediation and collaborative divorce may use Form E to collect financial data.

Questions included in Form E or Statement of Means are:

  • Standard of living you had during your marriage and what you expect post-divorce
  • What debts you have and what is owned to you
  • Income needs for yourself and children residing with you
  • Lists of investments, bank accounts, pensions with account numbers, companies and amounts
  • Insurance with surrender value
  • Properties and their worth
  • Cars and other household assets and their value

In Scotland there is no Form E or formal disclosure document. When the spouses come to a financial agreement, the signed statement is registered in the Book of Council and Session in Edinburgh.

If there is a financial change of circumstance post-divorce, then an alteration to this agreement can be made. The Statement of Means or Form E, is not used in Northern Ireland, but rather the court asks for similar financial disclosure at the preliminary hearing.

A judge goes over the paperwork including the Statement of Arrangements for Children. If he does not have any questions and approves of the paperwork, then a Certificate of Entitlement to a Divorce Decree is issued. He posts a copy to the Petitioner giving the date of when the Decree Nisi will be issued.

No court appearance is needed for this provisional decree. The Decree Nisi is issued in the middle of the divorce proceedings. In Scotland there is no Decree Nisi.

The petitioner must wait six weeks and a day before the Decree Nisi is made absolute. The Decree Absolute is not issued automatically and must be requested.

This interim period gives time to work on any financial or child arrangements before the divorce is finalized. The spouses may be sent to mediation to negotiate either child or financial arrangements before the divorce is finalized.

If the petitioner does not apply for Decree Absolute within four and half months, then the respondent is free to do so. If neither has applied for this within a year, then a judge may mandate an explanation of why there was such a long wait. When the Decree Absolute is issued, then the divorce is finalized.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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The Commonality of Divorce
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The Commonality of Divorce

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James Brown
James Brown
Host of
Divorce The Talk Show

What are the common factors of divorce? There are many things that bind us all together in this dysfunctional social escapade called divorce, many of which would consume way too much ink and paper for this publication.

It varies from ethnicity, family, education and how we interact or don’t, divorce is as common as sending your kids to school or going to church.

Divorce has become the new in-thing in our society. Divorce happens without thought of consequence. As we experience the fallout of those who’s lives are reshaped because of it, we recognize that shit happens, we watch it, laugh at it, fascinated by it and scared of what it does to us.

Listen up men, if you are much like the thousands or maybe millions of men, and let’s assume you are! In retrospect have you examined your marriage as much as you have replayed the issues of your divorce.

If not, I suggest that you get off your mental asses and give it some thought. It’s about time. Yes, I’m suggesting you give it a lot of thought because you are about to become a statistical measurement. A trend an engine powering all of this dysfunctional madness, which now sets the statistical stage that tells us the patterns and informational trends of why and what causes divorce.

These trends can even be used to predict how we are to react. Let me tell you, it may or may not come as a surprise to you, but the common issues that impact marriage and causes divorce are many.

It is by today’s standards that we are no longer left wondering why so many people are facing divorce. Especially with all of the massive relationship shutdowns worldwide and neighbor-to- neighbor. It is estimated that about 50% of marriages and 5-10 percent more of second marriages end in divorce.

There are a wide variety of circumstances that lead to these factors. It is sometimes age, education, income, and even that age-old concept of shacking up before marriage. When they say, “You will get to know each other better when you shack up”, and then get married. That’s a myth. There is no one thing that makes couples stay together and surely, living together before marriage doesn’t qualify as such, not even pregnancy is a defining factor.

Our society has become an overactive social collaborative dysfunctional gestation unraveling right before our eyes and in our minds. We now have learned that our parent’s mistakes follow us, lead us and torment us into mimicking our parents into the abyss that is divorce.

Our thirst of social acceptance and that sense of being in the in-crowd causes so many damaging problems that the trail of information we share with families, friends and our children side track our personal situations and lead us astray. Often is the case when one of the partners in a marriage has come from a divorced family, we are subconsciously subjected to the insecurity that plays a role in defining our paths as a couple.

This will lend itself to the uncoupling of our own marriage as a reflection of what our parents experienced and much more. With all of these factors in front of us hindering the potential of having a successful marriage and certain disintegration becomes a factor the question now becomes; why should we get married?

Believe me, many are asking that very question and even acting it out, which defines the commonality of divorce. With that being said and with so much information describing these varied routes and processes that all spell disaster, why is divorce so common?

Let me share a few thoughts based on the research for our TV show, Divorce; The Talk Show. Before you shut the door to getting married, let me assure you that many of these issues can be repaired and in many instances eliminated from the potential of splitting up and getting divorced.

It is critically important that from the start you must recognize that a good relationship takes a commitment. But what is that?

How much does that factor rely on knowledge and understanding of what it will take to generate a high commitment in a given relationship and/or ensure continued positive results in an ongoing marriage?

Commitment; the act of binding yourself to a course of action.

Marriage is a compilation of unknowns and expectation, bewilderment, happiness, sickness, profound disappointment and incredible gratification.

It’s an uphill and a low valley existence is known as life. We can’t pretend to understand everything nor be able to handle it appropriately every single day, but commitment outlines the course of action you will live with it come hell or high water. It is a must that you be willing to honor that commitment where you blend and bind your feelings and emotions to carry forward.

When we first get married, do we ask the question what are our commitments in marriage and what does that mean?

Many of us don’t recognize what it means as we stumble down the aisle and into what we perceive as marital bliss? I want to help you to understand that we must at least know that commitment does translate into a safer state of mind and existence and yet it is a dark place that we travel filled with hopes of a successful and happy marriage.

Commitment is the bond in a relationship that you will continue forward joined by a mutual understanding. It is no question that commitment or what we understand to be commitment becomes the major factor why couples stay together without it, there is the ever-present divorce.

When there are issues don’t disavow that divorce is sometimes necessary and may preserve key boundaries. In the processes of any relationship, when boundaries are crossed we can expect it to spell doom. The many faces of boundaries are moral, spiritual and the inspirational value of marriage. Commitment is the barrier before you cross those boundaries.

Commitment is often in this process of tangled emotions particularly when we have children it can create the reality for staying together at all cost.

That functionality of responsibility and the need to maintain a marriage at the cost of abuse and intellectual discord is not a sound way to continue in a marriage. But of course, some things bring on an intensity of emotional stress which means the introduction of the heavy stuff. Things that we must learn to sort through in an attempt to keep the marriage afloat.

There is one thing that seems to penetrate that veil of do I stay married money, honey! The money will break a marriage most of the time.

If the trends and stats are correct, half of all first marriages will end in divorce, but we continue to react as if marriage is just a game of chance.

I’m sometimes inclined to think that most people think of it as such perhaps it helps to lessen the severity of the potential outcome. Over the years a lot of organizations have developed a lot of research data which has identified various factors that seem to be associated with the higher risk of divorce. Although, it has become redundant, but that’s the commonality of divorce.

Divorce, It crosses all lines of human compatibility. As a young and gifted society, we must embrace our heritage and escort it into this new millennium with a profound desire to preserve the family tradition that is marriage. Therefore, we need to respect our relationships in all of its representations and work to understand what creates a better relationship or helps with a better divorce.

Through all of the indulgence in developing DivorceThe Talk Show, we have come to understand that some people actually have a low risk of divorce while others have a high risk.

Understanding these factors may not directly help you improve your marriage or assist you in making a decision about your divorce, but it may possibly help you understand how better to face the challenges. Read as much of everything about divorce before you divorce and watch how you evolve.

Remember to add this to your list of things to do, turn to your married friends if you still have them and share the reality of your divorce with them not your individual biases but the crippling aspects of your divorce. What you are experiencing will make them aware of the many preventative observations and actions that exist along with all of the potential healing processes which are available.

Not only will you achieve self-gratification, but you will contribute to resolving the punitive damages that are a divorce. I call it Cope, Hope and Heal.

Be a friend and inform them before they get hit. Of course, I can’t assure you that reading this piece will guarantee you anything about your divorce and or marriage.

My simple goal is to increase awareness of the risk and identify the issues that divorced people will face. But, most importantly, the intent is to increase your knowledge to help reduce that risk of divorce and help you survive how you can get through it.

Facing the challenges of divorce is when you can recognize the various factors that increase the risk of divorce. This will become important as you forge ahead with your commitment to having a healthy life after divorce.

Loneliness enables you to conjure thoughts that may not be realistic, often causing you to wish that you and your ex-spouse had worked through your differences.

A survey was offered to some folks in Utah who were asked that same question; 31% of men who had divorced said they wished that they had worked harder to save their marriage. 74% said they wished their ex-wife had worked harder to save the marriage as well. 13% of women who had divorced said they wished that they had worked harder to save their marriage coupled with 65% said they wished their ex- husband had worked harder to save the marriage.

Believe me, after divorce you find so many things that trigger your emotions. As you keep divorce at bay, you will think of all of the things to help change your mind.

Now that divorce has taken its full measure and complete toll, there are still periods of time where you will feel like you can’t do it anymore. Divorce will make you search for companionship, that at times will be unbalanced you seek those physical desires. We all yearn for a potential mate and physical attention, which may not be the right thing at that time.

This pendulum keeps swinging a lot,   all that is left is a happy face and to keep going forward continue to look for the tools that can help you escape the pitfalls of divorce and life after divorce. As you make an effort to survive, you won’t believe who is rooting for your successful salvation of life after divorce.

We strive as human beings in marriage to couple our lives with someone or something that brings joy, and yet we face the commonality of divorce.

Who have I been and what I’m I now? These are the questions we must ask ourselves as we learn to master our desire for companionship. The commonality of relationships is it marriage or is it divorce. I leave you with our desire to help you harness the tragedy that is divorce, assuring you that Divorce; The Talk Show will help you Cope, Hope and Heal.

ABOUT JAMES

James, grew up in San Francisco, and has lived in Salt Lake City, for over 25 plus, and is a second time divorcee with 4 children. 

With his diverse background in television, both in front and behind the camera, Mr. Brown is the driving force behind the highly innovative production of Divorce The Talk Show; A New Beginning, a multi-platform production which is led by new media engagement using digital, mobile as well as the legacy media (television) platform to reach a growing number of people who have gone through a radical change in life via divorce.

Mr. Brown has a background that makes him unique and perfect to support effort to make change in divorce. He has been at the center of development in corporate recruiting programs including Discover Card which focused on youth and minorities; developed diverse training seminars for corporations; created programs that provided scholarships for deserving, disadvan­taged students as well as building one of the finest film and television production studios (Salt Lake Studios) in the western U.S.A.

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Coping with Divorce at Work

Coping with Divorce at Work

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There can be issues that arise on the job when going through divorce.

For one thing, an individual may have to leave for divorce sessions or court dates. Consider scheduling mediation or collaborative meetings around lunch time or staying a bit later that day.

See if your divorce professional has early morning slots so that your job is not impacted by absences.

Inform your supervisor regarding your divorce, in case your emotions are more extreme or your interactions are a bit erratic at work.

My two bosses gave me some leeway during this stressful time. It is a toss-up whether or not to tell your co-workers about your situation. The other female and I went out for lattes and I blew off some steam away from our place of employment.

If you feel your work may be slipping a little – then consider confiding in a few trusted colleagues. They can proactively catch some mistakes or at least realize that this is a temporary condition. In some places, one may be the subject of gossip around the office.

Many people pour themselves into their jobs for a much needed distraction.

It can be one’s oasis of calm in the turbulent sea of divorce. Laughing and talking with my fun-loving co-workers helped me keep my sanity. Work projects and tasks keep minds focused and off divorce problems.

Constantly checking one’s phone for messages takes time away from the job and thrusts one back into their divorce situation. Possibly look at texts or e-mail once during the work day, such as during lunch. I did not check anything at all while on the job and had my solicitor or her paralegal call me if something urgent arose. This gave me a break. Then when I got home, I dealt with divorce matters.

What to do if you are about to lose it at work. Pause and take a mini break. Get away from your immediate environment and walk around the block or down some long hallways.

Getting out in nature is therapeutic and decreases stress, as some studies have shown. Go to a nearby park to eat your lunch. Some people use their lunch breaks to release tension by working out at a gym or going for a run. Meeting up with friends for a few laughs during lunch can get you back on track.

There are homeopathic remedies that reduce stress and anxiety. I squirted Bach’s Rescue Remedy into my mouth when feeling overwhelmed with divorce. There are plenty of other brands on the market to take long-term or as a quick fix.

Just as a pregnant woman gets plenty of unsolicited advice, so do people going through divorce. Good friends as well as those you barely know may be inquisitive.

At work, consider having a few close colleagues tell others that you do not want to discuss your divorce, when you have had enough questions. You do not owe anyone explanations or updates.

When cornered at social gatherings, one can fend off questions by saying “Let’s talk about something more fun. How was your holiday?” Keep changing the subject and even the densest person will eventually get the message.

When given advice or told long winded stories of others’ divorces, feel free to say “That’s interesting. I’ll think about it.” That said, I did get a lot of help listening to other folks’ divorce tales and suggestions.

If falling to pieces, consider seeing a life or divorce coach who can help you devise some coping strategies. They will guide you in finding a good work/family balance. A coach is great at listening and working with you to have an easier time with divorce.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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Children, Divorce and the 7 Parent Practices you need to Avoid

Children, Divorce and the 7 Parenting Practices to Avoid

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I have worked with children and families for several years now.

Lately, most of my clients have been parents going through divorce; some are concerned about their children’s change in behaviour while others have been court ordered to attend the Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) course which I run.

There are also those parents who are about to embark on the divorce process, or separation, who want to know how to handle the “announcement” for the children’s sake.

The 7 parent practices that I mention below are for any parents going through divorce or separation.

You may be right at the start of the divorce process or right bang in the middle, either way these are some crucial tips that will play a role in helping children cope with divorce… and ultimately, you too.

Don’t alienate the other parent from the children. Don’t become the toxic parent. However much you feel enraged by what your ex did, didn’t do or is doing to you, don’t interrupt his or her relationship with the children.

It doesn’t help your children in any way. All it does is aggravate the already demanding emotional and mental journey that they are living through.

Most parents are happy to say, “I will do anything for my children.”

So can you do this?  Can you allow them to continue having a relationship with their other parent despite how you feel? Can you give them that?

Don’t project a personal agenda onto your child. Don’t use your children to get something from your ex.

Completely keep your children out of your divorce or separation plans and goals. Don’t use them as messengers, spies or mediators so that you can get more information that will then work in your favour.

They don’t like this and when you question them when they come back home after spending time with their other parent, they know what you’re doing and it puts them in a very, very difficult position.

If you don’t want your ex-partner to know something about you and your new personal life, then keep it away from your children. Don’t tell them, show them etc and then ask them to keep it a secret from daddy or mummy.  Exactly where are they supposed to put it except inside they minds, hearts and thoughts.  Then what?

That’s not fair on them at all.  It may work for you, but it hurts them. You don’t want anyone else to hurt your children, then don’t it yourself.

When parents make their children feel guilty for having fun with the other parent, your children may begin dreading coming home to you as they won’t be able to share their day’s fun with you. They know it will only hurt you so they don’t talk about it.

Or what they may do, is tell you how horrid it was or how bored they were with the hope of making you feel better or good that they missed you or whatever and it may work for a bit until they learn that you brought up their “terrible” experience when you spoke with your solicitor and tried to use it as a means of limiting the amount of time your ex spends with the children.

Truth is, unless you avoid projecting a personal agenda onto your children, they will definitely be left picking up the tab for you running an emotional agenda.  Is this what you want for them if it means you get what you want?

Don’t tell your children about the legal details.  They really don’t need to know how much child maintenance your ex is paying you for instance.

How does that information help them?  If they ask, then be the parent and tell them that, that is something between you and their mum or dad.

I’ve worked with parents who provide their children with so much legal information and then they wonder why their child’s behaviour toward the other parent is changing for the worse or why they are unable to concentrate in school.

I recall the story of a child who would sit in class with his blazer on ready to leave because anytime the house would be sold and they would need to move far away.

Or the one who would frequent the school nurse’s office with frequent stomach pains. The school nurse soon realised that these visits coincided with court dates. The child was always informed when his parents where going to court something he didn’t need to know about. All it did was make him sick, literally, with worry and anxiety.  His parents had made it clear that it was the judge who was going to decide whom he was to live with.

Don’t tell your children about your spouses secrets. Again, what would be the reason for doing this other than try and score points with your children and get back at your ex?

How do you think they feel when you tell them something so deep about their mother or father. Do you believe that it washes off them like water off a duck’s back or do you imagine that it sinks in and just unsettles their inner being for a very long time?

Of course doing so will hurt and anger your ex to no end – and I can only imagine that would be your goal – but truth is it will hurt, confuse, embarrass and cause unnecessary suffering to your children and for what?

Don’t denigrate your child’s other parent in your child’s presence or within her earshot. Avoid, at all costs, making negative comments about your ex as a means of earning your child’s support or proving a point.

It may work for you while they are little but they do grow up and they will see for themselves what game you were playing. What will you say then?

Avoid marital conflict in front of your child. Of course this is easier said than done because at times, you just want to scream, swear and yell back and then slam the door shut or throw the phone out of a moving car!

And it will happen.  And when it does, it’s really ok to apologise to your child for having put them through that experience. Acknowledge that you did wrong.  That goes a long way in making them feel safe again.

But if it’s the order of the day, if conflict is a certainty at practically every exchange or transition, then you will need to find an alternative. Arguing and fighting in front of your children changes who they are.

Can you imagine how anxious they begin to feel just at the thought that you and your ex are about to come face to face at the exchange?

One parent told me how his 7 year old had started insisting that she be dropped off at the end of road so she can walk to her mother’s alone.  This little girl was willing to fight her own fear of walking alone so as to avoid seeing her parents in conflict.

If you constantly argue and fight, once it’s over and you each go your own way, try and think how your child is feeling before, during and even hours after it’s over. If it’s close to bedtime, how will this affect their sleep.  Now realise that they feel like that at every exchange at every thought of his parents meeting up.

Don’t use child as your support system.  I’m unable to count the number of times I have heard parents tell me that if it wasn’t for the support they get from their child, they don’t know what they would do.

Coping with divorce and separation is your job as the adult. Helping children cope with divorce and separation is your job as the parent.

This is the time that you as a parent needs to show up. You need to provide a secure and caring environment for your child so that he or she can continue being the child that she is by you being the parent that you need to be.

Your children need the space to grieve the loss of their family (and more) as they knew it.  They need to know that when they come home or when you come home, they can lean on you, ask you questions, cry if they need to and demonstrate their anger and frustration when they feel like it.

They need to do all this so that they can move on emotionally and mentally.

So find your own support system. Find people whom you can call on to be there for you, be they family, friends or professionals. Look after you and you will be able to look after your little ones at this time when they need you most.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Practitioner, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Five Essential Steps to Support your Children During Divorce or Separation

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That you and your ex are going through a breakup is a huge deal for your children no matter what age including infants and toddlers.

One thing you need to know about infants is that not only are they extremely sensitive to their environment but they are also very much aware when someone, whom they have been seeing frequently, is no longer available or present. (There is plenty to say about the 0 – 3 year olds and divorce but that’s a whole other article).

The thing with divorce or separation is that it is one of those times when your parenting skills and abilities are tested to the limit!

Here you are busy going through a hellish, challenging time that is possibly preoccupying your every thought and time of your day, while simultaneously being expected to be the best parent you can ever be because your children need you to show up even more.

Here’s how you can do that in 5 essential steps:

Listen, understand and love: One of the first important elements of divorce or separation is to acknowledge and accept that the break-up will affect your child.  How much will depend on how you and the other parent deal with it and with each other.

Really listen to your children when they speak. Are there any recurring themes that they are not directly asking or talking to you about? Is there a particular game that your young child plays over and over again that might be divorce-related?

One six-year-old would dress her dolls up ready to go out when their dad came to pick them up.  He never showed.

It is ok and actually recommended that you tell them that you understand that this is not an easy time for them and keep telling them that you love them and that you are there for them.

Show them love as often as possible. This doesn’t mean spending long blocks of time with them, a hug here and there, kind words and positive attention can go a long, long way.

Communicate: Answer their questions. During the divorce process, children will have questions about the divorce or separation. They will want to know how it will affect their lives. What is going to change?

Speak frankly and honestly with them but avoid involving them in adult matters or providing them with unnecessary hurtful details.

Without answers, children will allow their imagination to provide them with explanations and interpretations that they so need and we all know who imaginative children can be. If they ask you a question that you have no answer to, then tell them so.

Self-observe: This is a tough time that you are all going through. You will make parenting mistakes, not one but a few.

Being aware of your feelings, thoughts,  words and actions can help you deal with and react to most things that come your way. Are you alienating the other parent by what you say and do while the children are present? Are you being civil with the other parent or able to put your own feelings aside for the sake of the children?

Did you know that your thoughts affect your feelings which then affect your behaviour? These three parts of you are so intertwined that not feeling a certain way due to a thought you have had is almost impossible which then means that you will behave or react to that thought in a way that correlates with the thought.

So be mindful of your feelings, thoughts and actions – in what you say and what you – do especially if your children are present or within earshot.

Seek professional help and support: When you are not sure, ask. Ask a professional for support and guidance. This is definitely not the time to try and do things yourself.  Have a psychotherapist or counsellor work with you and if you are struggling with behavioural problems with your child, work with a parenting practitioner to help you continue parenting your child positively through this time.

Be your child’s compass: Remember that you are not your child’s only influence so you better be the best.  As mentioned earlier, this is the time that your children will need you the most – someone to guide them and keep their lives as steady as possible.

Keep them in the fold and bring them back with they wander off – very common with teenagers. They will look to you for what’s right and if they cannot find it, they might look elsewhere.

As I often say, divorce or separation will always be an important time in your child’s life,  but what is even more crucial is how you and your ex handle the divorce process and your lives after separation. Let it be an experience they went through at some point in their lives. Don’t allow it to become an experience that defines them and their future adult relationships.

ABOUT SOILA

Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, a Parenting Practitioner, an accredited Triple P practitioner, a Certified Trauma Specialist and a trained Family Mediator.  She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.

Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.

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Divorce Quotes - Coping with Divorce
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Divorce Quotes – Coping with Divorce

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Here are some quotes that we hope will help you in coping with divorce.

One that we haven’t included but remains a favourite with us here at TDM is from the incredible and formidable Maya Angelou:

“Nothing works unless you do”

When all is said and done, at some point, you do have to decide to get better and to really do so you will need to work at it in one way or the other.

Here are our quotes:

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How Separated Mums can Avoid Mother’s Day Blues
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How Separated Mums can Avoid Mother’s Day Blues

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Kate Banerjee
Partner and Head of the Children Department
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

For recently divorced or separated mums Mother’s Day might be an upsetting and poignant reminder that family life has undergone substantial upheaval and change.

Whenever and wherever it is celebrated across the globe, the day is important to highlight the importance of those who nurture children. This is something we champion at Jones Myers, where we advocate that children’s best interests always come first.

In the countdown to Mother’s Day, here are some tips to help make the most of the occasion:

1. Plan in advance, and talk to your ex. If they usually see the children on Sunday, ask them if you could swap arrangements for this week. A flexible parenting plan can go a long way to diffusing potential arguments over special days.

2. If you are with the children on that day – and your separation is recent – avoid pressurising them to celebrate, as they may need time to come to terms with the new arrangements. A more subtle way would be to do something on the day that you will all enjoy.

3. If you are not with your children on Mother’s Day, indulge yourself with something special to mark it – and remember the vital role you play. This could also include a group event with other single parents.

4. To make up for not spending the day with your children, create a ‘new’ mother’s day the next time you are together – the occasion does not have to be dictated by the   official calendar date.

Irrespective of what day of the year it is, the best environment for parents to raise children is when both of them play a key role in their development – whether they are still living together or not.

That is why we advocate mediation, arbitration and collaborative family law to help couples achieve an amicable solution in the event of a relationship breakdown.

About Kate Banerjee

Kate, Head of the Children Department at Leeds and London based Jones Myers, is highly skilled in cases relating to children including contact and residence disputes. She specialises in child protection law and is a Member of the Child Care Panel with experience representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities and children.

As well as working regionally and nationally, Kate has considerable expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit.

Kate has “Higher Court Rights,” which enables her to offer clients an all-round litigation service.

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 Children, Divorce and Alienated Grandparents

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Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)

Grandparents play a special role in our lives.

What happens to that relationship in the midst of divorce/separation?

Sometimes, the dynamics become skewed and very complicated. Reshaping the grandchild/grandparent relationship becomes inevitable.

  • Is the role of the grandparent minimized and sometimes eliminated all together?
  • Will the grandchild suffer from the aftermath?
  • Will the grandparents experience grief and heartache because they are no longer viewed as a valuable asset to the child’s life sometimes resulting in alterations to their daily routine?

The answers are an emphatic Yes! Yes! And, Yes!

Divorce and separation have powerful ramifications. Anyone in the path of destruction will feel the impact.

A parent, new or ex boyfriend or girlfriend may become involved, drastically changing communication dynamics and everyday experiences. Or, things may shift because of someone or something else. Regardless of the reason why, the pain of divorce/separation can have far-reaching and long-term effects. On everyone.

Too often, relatives become caught up in the web of confusion that may spin out of control, landing them in the evil vortex of non-existence. This is what happens to many grandparents. They are an integral part of their grand-babies’ lives one day and totally removed the next, with no explanation or notice.

We need to be mindful of the relationship the child has with other family members. When we look at the special bond that exists between a grandchild and grandparent we must expand our gaze and see that the child is not the only one who suffers.

Grandparents’ experience emotional grief too.

Alienated grandparents have become a fast growing group in the arena of divorce. There are now numerous support groups and pages offering advice, emotional support and help.

These confessions portray the feelings of frustration and heartache experienced by too many grandparents.

Note: some responses have been altered and identifying info was deleted to maintain anonymity.

Grandparent alienation - coping with divorce
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

Grandparents who have been denied access to their grandchildren experience tremendous heartache.

A grandmother who recently discovered the concept of PAS shared “My grandchildren are my heart beat. I can not imagine my life without them.”

Several days later she was still distraught at what some grandparents must experience because they are unable to love on their babies after a divorce in their family.

The heartache of some grandparents is clearly revealed in their responses in describing the separation from their grandchildren:

A devoted and loving grandmother shares her experience of alienation and the impact this has had on her granddaughters. In two words: “Heart-wrenching!”

Other grandparents share in her sentiment responding with:

“Each day that passes without them I feel that a part of me dies.”

“Missing my youngest granddaughter…..hopefully when she is 18-yrs-old or even sooner she will come looking for us. it is like a piece of my heart is gone…..like a big puzzle piece that has to be fit in to complete my heart…..”

A grandparent describes the intense emotional pain after losing contact with her toddler who lived with them since birth: “I miss him dearly. It feels like my heart has been taken away. I am now waiting to see if mediation will take place and it’s the waiting that is killing me (after waiting several months)”.

Grandparents describing their newly started court battle to see their granddaughters: “This is the worse emptiness I have ever felt in my life.”

An emotional plea after 6 months of alienation from their 12-year-old grandchild (a part of their lie since his birth): “SOMEONE HELP…I’M HURTING.”

A simple yet poignant and sad response: “Heart aching-literally!”

coping with divorce and grandparent alienation
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

Of all the emotions grandparents may experience one of the worst might be frustration.

Frustration stems from situations in which there is no control. Grandparents may be working very hard and with the best intentions to no avail. This is clearly demonstrated in their responses:

“Not being able to see or talk to my Grandson….”

 “Not being able to see the grandchildren.”

“Not knowing.”

 

“Having my three grandchildren ripped from my life seven years ago.”

 “Not even being able to see a picture of them!”

“Knowing that they live close by and not seeing them. Knowing their other grandmother lives farther away and sees them almost everyday.”

A grandparent reaches out to make policy changes: “Please, let’s get this changed. I need my grand kids like they need us. Let’s get something done.”

Grandparent alieantion
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

As in many cases of parental alienation syndrome there is a consistent theme of bias and unfairness. These grandparents share how this impacts them and their grandchild:

“The injustice of it all 🙁 Having loved and to have been loved in such a special way only to have it all torn away!!”

 “Our grandchildren do not deserve this. It is not their fault.”

 Grandparents fighting to see their young grandson: “We are devastated. We were a huge part of his life. I don’t understand why mothers do this to their children. It’s so unfair to the children. The mother is not putting the child’s best interest first. The mom is angry. The mom does not get along with the dad. Has nothing to do with grandparents! Now she is brain washing him to be afraid of us. We treated her as if she was our daughter. It’s so devastating.”

grandparent alienation and grandparent rights
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

In divorce and separation, the holidays can be difficult.

Family dynamics shift. Sharing birthdays and spending time together as a family may be complicated or not even possible. For some grandparents this is an especially emotional time of the year:

“The terrible tragedy is that the grandchildren have been robbed of a relationship with their grandparents. The harm is done and you can’t go back and make up time for the years missed. Everyone suffers. My table on holidays is always missing 1. Grandparents suffer and grandchildren suffer.”

”February 14th is always a special day. For us, it’s both special, and sad. Today is, of course, Valentine’s Day, but it is also our stolen Grandson’s birthday. 8 years ago, he and his sister would not be allowed to be a part of our family any longer. ”

Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

Grandparents are fearful of being left out. They are concerned and deeply saddened at what is said about them to their grandchildren:

“No communication and knowing they are being told we don’t love them anymore.”

“Having a 20 month old grandson and have never been able to see him. I’ve missed so much already it just breaks my heart.”

“I dread to even being to think what my grandsons have been told.”

“The living hell of wondering if they even know about me. I only saw me oldest twice. , my youngest grandchildren, I have never met”

 “How will my grandchildren learn about being a family if all they see is arguing and fighting and being taken away from the two people who genuinely love them.”

Grandparent alienation
Divorce and Alienated Grandparents. Coping with divorce for Alienated Grandparents. Grandparent alienation.

An arching theme of alienation is that there are no winners. No one comes out ahead. Ultimately, the tragedy of alienation falls on the child.

Grandparents of alienation are put in the unfortunate position of dealing with their own grief and knowing their grandchildren are experiencing tremendous emotional pain:

“We’ve missed a year and a half of growth and connection. I will never let it go.”

 “I miss my grand babies more than anything! It’s so cruel to keep kids from their grandparents!”

 “The damage this is doing to our grandchildren.”

“Knowing my grandchildren are hurting, and being blocked from helping them.”

 “Kids ripped from the home they know is safe and sure with a roof and warm bed. My heart is so…hurt. Tears and anxiety won’t stop.”

Final Thoughts

The devastation and utter despair of these grandparents is undeniable. Grandparents across the globe are experiencing heartache and frustration due to the trickle down effect of divorce and conflict among parents in the midst of separation:

Referring to grandparents who keep their grandchild from the now ex-in-law parent: “Grandparent alienation is not natural or healthy no matter which generation is the perpetrator.” 

“New at taking legal action to see their grandchildren “but all I want to do is see their happy faces. I have never hated someone so much in my life.” 

“Grandparent alienators need to love their child more than they hate their parents.”

“The most heart wrenching thing to witness is a grandchild being torn in half! But they will grow up, and that parent will reap what they sow.”

“Grandparent alienators are serial killers of the soul.”

“The pain—Never completely goes away.”

Do you have words you would like to share describing the impact divorce has had on you or your family? Share your confession at: MyConfession@SharedParentingConfessional.com

ABOUT RUTH

Ruth is a Certified Family Life Educator and advocate for SharedParenting.  She works in the arena of Shared Parenting focusing on the parent/child relationship in the divorce process.

Ruth actively participates in establishing equal parenting in custody and divorce. She has authored several articles on divorce, Family Court and Shared Parenting and is a contributor at the Huffington Post. She manages 3 sites directed toward the shared parenting arena and created a survey evaluating parents’ experience in Family Court.

LIKE on: Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional

Research and information offered to enhance the parent-child relationship.    SharedParentingInfo.com

 

 

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