coping with divorce - Page 8

How to Deal with Lies

How to Deal with Lies your Ex Feeds your Child – Part 2

Published on
Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)

Based on the illusory truth effect your child is now a target of abuse.

As a parent you are deprived of doing what you really want to do: Parent your child!

You need to speak up. How do you respond?

What you want to say involves engaging in a barrage of of accusatory and condescending remarks. Words exchanged will mimic previous conversations of which there was no resolve.

We can safely assume no new information will emerge from this interaction leading to the conclusion that a different option may be more productive.

What you could say offers a flimsy and sarcastic response. At least you replied without going on a ranting diatribe. Right?

What you should say means responding as a caring, loving, safeguarding and responsible parent.

Why should the targeted parent choose a cordial and non-confrontational method?

Seemingly, the only thing worse than one parent chirping in the child’s ear is two parents coming from both sides saying how they should act, feel and think.

Simply put, someone needs to be the parent!

Here are three common scenarios using illusory truth effect and possible responses:

1) “Your parent has not called. Your parent does not want to talk to child. Your parent would rather do anything than call child”.

Truth: Targeted parents’ calls go unanswered, told ‘child is busy’ or messages are not relayed.

What the targeted parent wants to say: You want to think your co-parent will honor your child’s relationship with both parents. And, complying with court orders is a logical assumption. Correct?

What this does: Continues the confrontational aggression and blame dynamics. Undoubtedly, a rerun will not yield different results.

What the targeted parent could say:” I did call you. Your parent is just telling you that. Here is the phone bill-see? Look at how many times I called you”.

What this does: Divorce is between the parents-about the child! Involving your child will not address the problem. Showing the phone bill is may not be the best option for two reasons.

First, the child truly believes the words of their other parent. Reiterating your beliefs onto them insinuates the child is wrong.  Their other parent is already making efforts to sway them against you.

Two, phone bills are not for children. In essence, this response perpetuates the arguing by creating drama at the expense of your child.

What the targeted parent should say: “That must be hurtful to think I did not call you.  I am not sure why your parent would say that. That is not what happened although I understand you think I did not call you.  I absolutely love talking with you and always look forward to hearing about what you are doing and what is happening in your life. You can call me at anytime. I am always excited to talk to you. I am always available to you.”

What this does: Demonstrates empathy and concern for what your child is experiencing. Remember, their other parent, who they also love and trust is telling them something else, albeit a lie. Because of the illusory truth effect even if your child knows a fact to be true or not true, in hearing the fact over and over again they begin to see the untrue fact as the truth. Imagine how confusing this must be for them. Which parent do they listen to?

2) “Your parent does not love you.  If they really did care they would ____.”

Truth:  Targeted parents love their child and miss their child very much. (Not to mention that a parent telling their own child such a complete and utter lie is horrible.)

 What the targeted parent wants to say: Engage in a repetitive conversation filled with accusations and name calling of which no new information will emerge.

What this does: Arguing will not improve this situation. Some parents will never grasp the immediate or long-term ramifications of their words.

What the targeted parent could say: “That is crazy. Of course I care about you.  I love you!”

What this does: An abrupt and incomplete response does not address the issue or offer empathy.

What the targeted parent should say: “That must have been confusing to hear. There is nothing farther from the truth, I love you very much. We both love you. Your parent and I are divorced and living in different homes and that has nothing to do with our love for you. I know that you love both of us.  I am not sure why your parent would say that. I love you more than anything and I will always be here for you.”

What this does: Honoring their feelings validates their experience. Remaining calm, confident and steadfast is key. This is an opportunity to connect with your child and inquire about their emotions.

3) “The reason we are divorced is because your parent _____.   If your parent wanted us to be happy they would ____. What is wrong with your parent?”

Truth: One parent is attempting to undermine their child’s relationship with the targeted parent: a textbook case of emotional abuse.

 What the targeted parent wants to say: Set the record straight.

What this does: Combatting comments are a moot point. Parents who engage in these antics are not receptive to logic or reality.

What the targeted parent could say: “Your parent is the one who left us.  I am not the one who _____.  Your parent is out of control.”

What this does: Escalates confusion and prolongs the feuding.

What the targeted parent should say: “That must be confusing and scary for you. I am glad you shared that with me. I am sorry you had to hear the unkind words. I wish your parent would not discuss adult matters with you. Sometimes people say things that are not true. Your parent and I clash on a few things; however, the one thing we both agree on is how much we love you. Is there anything else bothering you that you would like to talk about? I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. I will always be here for you.”

What this does: Acknowledges their experience in hearing bitter words about a parent they also love. Validating their thoughts demonstrates regard and respect. This opens the door for asking about their feelings and learning what may be causing anxiety, emotional pain or stress. Focusing on the child’s anger and hurt feelings is more important than proving their other parent wrong.

Regardless of the game playing how you respond to the accusations and name calling will make a difference to your child.

Will this happen immediately? Probably not. Eventually, your child will reject the overbearing and toxic environment.  Overtime your child will come to know the truth and see you as a calm, consistently caring, and thoughtful parent who offers a kind, loving and peaceful home.

Responding in an attentive, loyal and responsible manner allows you to do what you really want: Parent your child!

Part 1 explains the Truth vs. the Illusory truth. – Divorce Lies and the Impact on your child

References:

www.sciencedirect.com

www.businessinsider.com

www.theacorn.com

metro.co.uk

ABOUT RUTH

Ruth is a Certified Family Life Educator and advocate for SharedParenting.  She works in the arena of Shared Parenting focusing on the parent/child relationship in the divorce process.

Ruth actively participates in establishing equal parenting in custody and divorce. She has authored several articles on divorce, Family Court and Shared Parenting and is a contributor at the Huffington Post. She manages 3 sites directed toward the shared parenting arena and created a survey evaluating parents’ experience in Family Court.

LIKE on: Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional

Research and information offered to enhance the parent-child relationship.    SharedParentingInfo.com

 

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Divorce Lies

Divorce Lies and the Impact on your Child – Part 1

Published on
Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)

Bulls are enraged by the color red.

A fallen baby bird cannot be placed back in their nest. The great wall of China is visible from space.

None of these are true; however, facts do not really matter.  If a statement is repeated often enough this becomes the truth.

This is the illusory truth effect: Repetition creates a sense of validity. In essence, repeating is believing.

Anyone of a difficult divorce knows the feelings of devastation and helplessness when your ex tells a story casting you as the villain.  They believe the scenario is true; however, you know this is yet, another tale of lies.

Sadly, the untruths are shared with family and friends and sometimes co-workers.  The destruction cuts to the core even deeper when the disinformation is deliberately conveyed to your child.

This is important information in high conflict divorces because repetition supersedes prior knowledge.

Your child may recall a close and loving relationship with you yet, the illusory truth effect means your child perceives the repeated negative statements as the truth. Negative statements, albeit false, are replacing what they know to be true by the false statements they are hearing. In essence, constant exposure to the negative facts becomes your child’s new reality.

In high conflict divorce, sometimes, one parent uses the illusory truth effect leading your child to believe you do not want to see or talk to them, or you do not care about your child.  In actuality, nothing could be farther from the truth.

What you want is the opportunity to protect your child.  Instead, your child is embroiled in the bitter battle called the illusory truth effect.

The illusory truth effect is a concept evolving from a 1977 study. Recent research challenged the findings revealing repeated statements are easier for the mind to process as there is a sense of familiarity when hearing the information again.

The brain perceives this as ordinary information and processes the material quicker.  The mind is concluding the fact as a true statement faster because this is now common knowledge.

Despite the fact that most parents teach their children not to lie; the illusory truth effect demonstrates parents lie too. Like most relationships, trust is the groundwork for a strong parent and child bond.

A child willingly and whole heartedly believes what their parents say. Things do not need to make perfect sense because the child trusts their parents. Expecting to hear the truth is natural.

Parents or parent figures are the backbones to the heart and soul of children. If we did not have parents our society would be different. When parents are kind and loving they want the best for their children. Parents are influential with the power to instill a sense of belief creating a strong foundation for the child to grow.

Children love and trust both parents. This is what makes the illusory truth irrevocably damaging. Who is speaking truths or untruths is not your child’s issue. Adding insult to injury, spouting lies about the child’s other parent is like putting a knife in their little heart.

Intensifying this even more, a key point revealed in recent research shows the illusory truth effect may be more powerful when individuals are distracted or tired. A child within the throes of a high conflict divorce may experience both making a child more vulnerable to the ‘facts’ directed at them.

Why are the lies harmful to your child? Children are not emotionally equipped to differentiate the illusory truth from lies.

More importantly, parents are purposefully altering their children’s lives. All children have a right to enjoy a caring, kind, and loving relationship with both parents. Both parents are entitled to the opportunity to parent and protect their child.

Despite the illusory truth effect baby birds can be placed back in their nest and man-made structures are not observable from low orbit.

As for the bulls? Bulls are color blind and not angered by the color red. In fact, they are reacting to the movement of the fabric.

Part 2 will offer examples in responding to the illusory truth imparted on your child.

References:

www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0022537177800121

www.businessinsider.com/15-everyday-facts-that-are-totally-wrong-2011-8#the-great-wall-of-china-is-not-visible-from-space-1

www.theacorn.com/news/2013-08-15/Front_Page/What_happens_when_one_parent_poisons_a_child_again.html

metro.co.uk/2015/12/01/if-you-repeat-a-lie-enough-people-think-its-true-5536488/#ixzz4er8LS9l2

ABOUT RUTH

Ruth is a Certified Family Life Educator and advocate for SharedParenting.  She works in the arena of Shared Parenting focusing on the parent/child relationship in the divorce process.

Ruth actively participates in establishing equal parenting in custody and divorce. She has authored several articles on divorce, Family Court and Shared Parenting and is a contributor at the Huffington Post. She manages 3 sites directed toward the shared parenting arena and created a survey evaluating parents’ experience in Family Court.

LIKE on: Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional

Research and information offered to enhance the parent-child relationship.    SharedParentingInfo.com

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books on divorce
/

The 10 Books on Divorce That Saved Me

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

Twenty years after my divorce, I can remember — vividly — the books that saved me during those early days of finding my way alone.

Each book gave me something- the language, hope, and understanding- to help me process the trauma.

Millions of people experience the pain of divorce each year. The right book can be a great comfort.

In one of the ironies of life, I was taking the university course titled “The Philosophy of Love” as my marriage crumbled.

The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis was on the reading list.

I learned to examine love beyond the words- I love you. I realized for the first time, that ours had been an immature, naïve love. That’s what can happen when you marry your childhood sweetheart. Sometimes there is no room for emotional growth.

A mature love, according to Lewis is a balance of four loves. Reading his book helped me identify the holes in what I had perceived as our ‘ perfect’ little high school romance.

The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families by Amity Pierce Buxton is one of a very few books on this topic.

It was enormously helpful for a woman like me, 20 years ago, living in a very small town, without any reference material to help me understand. We shared the same marriage experience. She gave me hope for a better day.

Her book dedication reads in part “to my children…whose love sustained me in my journey from trauma to transformation.”

I too will always be grateful for my sons’ constant love and support in my journey.

Man’s search for Meaning by Victor Frankl was sobering.

It is a book that puts real suffering in perspective. There was far worse misery in life than my divorce. Most important, there was- free will- the choice to survive and carry on with life. We can choose to rise above our emotional pain.

Forgiving The Unforgivable: Overcoming the Bitter Legacy of Intimate Wounds by Beverly Flanigan spoke to me of violating a moral code, breaking a trust. It helped me fix the responsibility on him. With that was a letting go.

“If the injurer’s action intentionally breached a vow or promise or violated another moral rule, the injurer was to blame.”

By his own admission, our marriage deception had been intentional.

In The Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant gave me hope that what I was experiencing was but a moment in time. It would only be forever if I allowed it. My choice.

“The meantime is protective as well as preparatory.”

On Your Own Again by Keith Anderson and Roy MacSkimming asked, “Why are you here?” This book helped me understand the healing process requires both acceptance and understanding. There had been unseen holes in my marriage.

Anderson also reminded me that, for children of divorce, predictability, consistency and reliability are paramount.

Simple Abundance: A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach was my soothing bedtime snack. Her words spoke to me of quiet and peace at the end of each day.

There were many days that I celebrated more for surviving them than for anything else of significance. The daily entries in her book were an emotional lifeline.

The Mind of the Soul by Gary Zukav wrote about moving beyond being a victim of the divorce and not limiting my life. I wanted to get better not bitter.

Soul Stories also by Gary Zukav reminded me to listen to my intuition. Too often when we divorce and move into a single life we make wrong turns.

“listen to what your intuition tells you. A lot of people hear answers they don’t like, so they pretend that they didn’t hear any answers at all. ”

Love and Betrayal: Broken Trust in Intimate Relationships by John Amodeo gave me language to process the divorce. The terms ‘decidedly cruel’ and ’emotionally dishonest’ were particularly relevant.

I think the greatest books of all, a real visual history of my emotional growth, were my personal journals. They meticulously chronicled my path back to living a full and happy life again.

“Be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
– Nora Ephron

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

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Arguing Causes More Damage than Divorce in Children

Arguing Causes More Damage than Divorce in Children, New Study Reveals

Published on
Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

In the lead up to a divorce, those parents who argue are causing their child to develop at a slower rate in comparison to the actual divorce according to new research.

It has been found that a lot of the damage caused to children as a result of divorce is down to the arguing that occurs before the parents separate.

The research, carried out by the University of Yorkshire studied the data of 19,000 children who were born in 2000 and it identified that there are behavioural problems, hyperactivity and emotional development in those children of divorced parents who argued prior to the divorce being finalised.

Therefore, the research identified that children of divorced parents have reduced cognitive and non-cognitive skills when compared to those children who are not exposed to divorcing parents although the divorce itself is not the main reason for this.

A lot of the damage is caused by the circumstances prior to the divorce as well as the characteristics linked to the family. This could be down to many of those families having a lower education as well as struggling financially or they could have regular conflicts. The conflicts between parents could therefore, harm the development of a child more than the separation itself.

Those children that have separated parents have behavioural development problems that are 30% worse than those children who come from families that remain intact.

In England and Wales, the number of divorces occurring is on the increase. The majority of these divorces involve children who are below the age of 16 while 66% of them include children under the age of 11.

When it comes to helping children who are involved in a divorce, there are a number of things that parents can do to ensure they are affected as little as possible. Children are simply children and so, they do not need to see any conflict or discussions. These should take place at a time when the children are not around.

Children also benefit from a routine, this means it is important to keep any routine that they may have.

Any disruption can cause them problems so continue to take them to school or pick them up at the same time, visit grandparents in the way they do and if they take part in an activity during the week, continue the arrangement.

In addition to this, negativity can also have a detrimental impact on their development. They do not need to see or feel the negativity from the parents as this will also impact them.

Regardless of any problems between parents, the children still need them as parents so it is important that they continue to be involved in their lives.

It is now believed that the research could assist Government interventions in a positive way so that parents can be educated in a way that will allow them to understand how they could be having a negative influence on the way in which their child develops.

The results show that those interventions that are intended to enhance co-operation as well as those interventions that ensure parents are aware of how negative conflict can be could help to reduce the number of divorces which will help to improve the non-cognitive skills of children.

About Kerry

Kerry Smith is the head of family law at K J Smith Solicitors, a specialist family law firm who deal with a wide range of issues including divorce, domestic violence, civil partnerships and prenuptial agreements.

 

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Lifer after divorce - what are you thinking
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Life after Divorce – What are you Thinking?

Published on
Charis Rooks
Author and Speaker

Have you ever heard of someone who has made the statement like “I wish I could have had this or that but it’s not going to happen for me?”

In the early stages of divorce I would look at married couples and their families and say the same thing.

Comments such as “must be nice” or “she just doesn’t realize how good she has it” were my top two hopeless phrases.

Yes I created hopeless phrases to secure my sense of hopelessness. I would even speak this in the presence of my kids with comments such as “now you know we can’t afford that” and “things are different now we can’t have that”.

So what was wrong with this way of thinking? I personally removed hope from my vocabulary and my life after my divorce.

I let a tragic event in my life (divorce) dictate if I and my girls should have hope. Sounds crazy but a lot of us do it. It wasn’t until I started speaking hope in our lives I saw change.

To be honest I was just testing it to see if it would work and guess what ladies it did. I removed myself from my negative associates. Yes negative must stay around negativity to feed itself.

So long story short, I lost many friends in my life. However, I made a decision to place myself around positive speaking people and guess what it worked.

When I went from saying “we won’t be able to buy a house” to saying over and over again “I will buy a house”, we actually bought a house. When I went from saying “I will never get a job working from home” to one day “I will work from home”, I got the job working from home.

Now I will say this it wasn’t overnight please don’t think that I bought a home over night or got a job the next day. Now it took time and in both of these cases a lot of time, but I never gave up on the hope that I would one day have the things I desire for me and my daughters.

ABOUT CHARIS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

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How to Make Divorce Easier on Children

Published on
Vanessa Fox
Partner and Head of
Family Law
hlw Keeble Hawson

I have often thought that we should take research into the effects of divorce on children with a pinch of salt and concentrate on common sense, practical measures to reduce the impact.

The latest study to grab headlines has concluded that a quick divorce is worse for children than an acrimonious one and that they are less likely to succeed in life as a result.

In my extensive experience no divorce is easy – emotionally, financially or legally and nobody enters into the process because they think it is. Even amicable separations are hard on children – but if both parents work to safeguard them, there is no reason why they should not grow up to achieve fulfilled lives.

Below are some tips on how estranged couples can make their split easier on their children:

  • If possible, sit down together to tell your children about a separation or divorce. Keep explanations simple and don’t blame each other.

 

  • Always put your children’s welfare, not your own, first and avoid unnecessary squabbles. Strive to remain cordial despite feelings of hurt with your ex.

 

  • Try to reach a quick and easy financial outcome – it is better to collaborate and to compromise than fight over minor issues.

 

  • Strive to be fair and flexible with each other about children issues – avoiding disruption with last minute changes of plan. Routine is always helpful for children but it doesn’t have to be a straitjacket.

 

  • Explain in simple terms how their lives will change, particularly major decisions such as where they will live and how often they will see each parent. Both parents are urged to be flexible over planned routines if children, particularly teenagers, want to alter them.

 

  • Agree some parenting ground rules with your ex and have monthly coffee meetings to discuss how things are going with the children.

 

  • Avoid getting into a blaming situation with your ex – a spirit of cooperation will go a long way.

 

  • Regularly reassure your offspring that you love them – they, in turn, are entitled to continue to love both parents.

 

  • Encourage them to talk about their feelings and give them time to get used to the new situation. Don’t rush them into meeting any new partner.

 

  • Consider family therapy as an option – it works well in many cases.

Ultimately, divorce has been easier to obtain for the last 50 years in the UK. Previously, people were locked into loveless and abusive relationships – however, there is no research available on how this affected children. The number of young people undergoing higher education since the 1970s has also rocketed despite divorce numbers rising more than six fold between 1955 and 1985.

This seems to contradict the claims in the latest study that young adults in the 1970s were far less likely to go to university than those in the 1940s and 50s, when access to divorce was harder.

I strongly urge all separating couples to do everything they can to ensure their split is as non-confrontational as possible. They can work with professional advisers to resolve family disputes constructively and invest in one of the collaborative routes to divorce.

About Vanessa

hlw Keeble Hawson partner, Vanessa Fox, marked 25 years as head of the firm’s family law department in 2016.

Collaboratively trained and a qualified mediator, she has modernised South Yorkshire Resolution since becoming chair in 2013 and is also a member of the Law Society’s Family Law Panel and the Children Panel.

She can be contacted on 0114 290 6232 or at vanessafox@hlwkeeblehawson.co.uk.

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Banish Your Divorce Guilt and Move on from Divorce

How to Banish Your Divorce Guilt and Move on from Divorce

Published on
Martha Bodyfelt
Martha Bodyfelt
Certified Divorce Coach

GUILT.

What an ugly word and a terrible feeling.

Guilt comes in all sorts of mutating forms before, during, and after divorce. We may feel guilty because of a specific/concrete action we have done, or, more likely, divorce guilt permeates our lives like a mist running through our bodies.

It’s a general, lingering feeling that comes from a variety of factors—things that have nothing to do with us but nevertheless continue to threaten our happiness.

It is normal for many of us to feel like we are to blame for everything leading up to the end of our marriage.

Society certainly has not helped us break from that. Many of us were raised to say, “Sorry” for everything, even though something may not have been our fault.

Culturally, we were taught that keeping the household and marriage successful without any mistakes was our responsibility, without so much a thought that it takes two people in a partnership to make a relationship work.

And naturally, because there was a lot of pressure on us to be perfect and act a certain way, when the marriage unraveled, our reaction, was to blame ourselves for it.

But I’m here to tell you to knock that off.

In fact, if you are to move on from divorce, you must remember the following…

In Order to Overcome Guilt, You Must Forgive Yourself. 

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. It’s a gift that we are usually generous in giving others at home, at work, at Starbucks when the barista screwed up our order for the third time this week, yet, for some reason, we don’t afford ourselves the same luxury. For some reason we think our actions, especially divorce-related ones, are somehow reprehensible and we feel like the worst people in the world for letting everybody down.

But you know what? The only person you have let down is yourself by not being kinder to you. You deserve to breathe, to dream big and plan for the future, to laugh again, to not be judged.

Accepting responsibility for your own shortcomings and working on them to avoid mistakes in the future is one thing. But constantly blaming yourself for things in the past

1) is neither helpful nor healthy and

2) doesn’t change a single thing.

So why not put that energy you spend on feeling bad about the past into something awesome as hell, like creating the good life you deserve and the chance to start over?

Forgiving yourself is challenging right now because you are looking at the divorce with warped vision. Right now, you are looking at it with 20/20 hindsight, where you have the luxury of picking your past self to pieces. And that’s just not fair.

It’s time to change that way of thinking. Feeling guilty stops now.

I know what you’re thinking, because I went through that same personal hell during my divorce, too.

“But…that’s easier said than done! I just feel so damn guilty all the time!” you may say to yourself.

And you know what? You’re going to until you let all that BS go and just be. Sure, you have made mistakes in the past. But who in the hell hasn’t? Remember that it takes two to tango in a marriage. You must accept that you did everything within your power at the time to make the marriage work. And even if you, for some reason, have still convinced yourself that you didn’t, the past cannot be changed anyway.

So, how do you forgive yourself, exactly? I’m glad you asked.

How to Move on from your Guilt and Forgive Yourself: Reflections and Exercise

When a wave of guilt hits you, please remember this:

Guilt is a gray looming fortress—a mix of the Tower of London and Fort Knox, where you are trapped. But here’s the funny thing—all the doors are unlocked, there are no guards, and there’s no reason for you to stay there. So why not leave?

Guilt is your past holding you prisoner. It’s impossible to plan for the future if you keep holding yourself in the past.

The next time you are feeling guilty and are unsure of how to forgive yourself, ask yourself this one question:

“How will this guilt serve me in the future?”

Think long and hard about this question….

*Momentary pause*

Oh, I see that you are drawing a blank space on answering it.

Gee, that might be because guilt DOES NOT serve you, so let it go. Then do this next step.

Write down why you feel guilty. To get you started, I listed some of the thoughts running through my head when I was dealing with guilt.

I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples therapy sooner. I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore. Maybe if I had done that, things would have been different. 

Sound familiar? Here’s what you need to understand about the words of guilt.

Guilt speaks the language of “maybe, should have, would have.” These are not action words—they are passive words that your guilt is using to make you create some picture-perfect false reality that doesn’t exist. It’s time to kick that language and those thoughts to the curb.

The next time you find yourself with those thoughts running through your head, nip it in the bud with compassion for yourself and neutralize those words with forgiveness. Remember those guilty thoughts running through your head? Take a look at how to start countering them below, and then write your own counter-thoughts for the things that are making you feel guilty!

I feel guilty because maybe I should have suggested we go to couples therapy sooner.

The Forgiveness Mindset: We went to couples therapy when we thought we needed it, and did everything in our power at the time to fix it. You were brave to try it, and should not feel bad about any of that.

I feel guilty because maybe I should have brought up the fact that we weren’t communicating anymore.

The Forgiveness Mindset: It takes two people for a marriage to work and you were not responsible for both you and your husband. You did what you could with the strength you had at the time. Be proud of yourself for that. 

Now it’s your turn! Write down the specific things that are making you feel guilty, then neutralize them with the compassion you deserve. Do this whenever the guilt sneaks up on you, and as long as you are mindful and consistent with this practice, you can keep the Guilt Monster at bay.

About Martha

Martha Bodyfelt is a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® whose website “Surviving Your Split” helps readers gain clarity and get their confidence back so they can move on with their lives. For your free Divorce Warrior Survival kit, stop by http://survivingyoursplit.com/ or say hello at martha@survivingyoursplit.com.

Website: survivingyoursplit.com

Facebook: www.facebook.com/survivingyoursplit

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Which Franchise to Buy – Established Name or New Kid on the Block?

Published on
Pip Wilkins
Pip Wilkins
Chief Executive of the
British Franchise Association (bfa)

There are currently more than 900 brands using a franchise model in the UK, and if you ask the average person on the street to name some then they’ll most likely come out with the usual suspects – McDonald’s, Subway, Domino’s and so on.

However, those global giants make up only a fraction of the options available to prospective franchisees.

Anyone who has begun to delve into what’s on offer will soon find a multitude of brands large and small with tempting and very real business propositions.

Some of those propositions are other household names that are not typically known as franchises – perhaps Clarks, Thorntons, O2 – and some are much smaller businesses, perhaps just starting out in franchising or beginning to expand from their local marketplace. And, of course, everything in between!

What does this mean for you, the prospective franchisee?

There are very clear advantages to both the familiar, established brand as well as the new kid on the block when assessing what the right opportunity is for you. Like so many considerations when you’re doing your research, the type of personality you are and the lifestyle you want to lead are critical in your decision-making.

Big Business

Franchisees of renowned national and international brands benefit from significant consumer knowledge of their products and services; often with brand loyalty and expectations already engrained within a core base of customers that keep them coming back time and again.

Most franchises at this stage have national marketing campaigns in place and your brand will be seen on a regular basis.

A larger network of franchisees also means there should be vast quantities of expertise to call on in addition to head office resources, including from franchisees at every stage of development and size. Those franchisees will also be able to offer you, the prospect, an abundance of historical data as to the expectations of your own business and its potential profitability.

Head Office back-up should be plentiful, with dedicated business development staff and systems, and the proven infrastructure to support franchised outlets up and down the UK.

And the operational structures will be quite rigidly controlled – while it’s true to say that the Big Mac was the invention of a franchisee, brands the size of McDonald’s are by now very successful at determining what works for them (and what doesn’t), and therefore you’re going to have to follow the franchise system very closely, with less day-to-day entrepreneurial freedom.

Still, when that system has been shown to work time and again, that’s exactly what you are paying for!

Those are some of the reasons why renowned brands come at a premium price. As a general rule, the most established brands will have higher start-up costs precisely because you’re buying into a more proven model, and because the turnover potential can be highly lucrative with less perceived risk involved.

Good Things Come in Small Packages

A brand newer to the market and/or to franchising comes with very different considerations. There is little or no historical precedence when a business begins franchising as to what may be achieved by a franchisee, so accurate forecasting and enormous due diligence is critical in assessing the opportunity.

With few or no trading franchisees to check on aspects such as turnover potential and the support offered by the franchisor, your research and your instincts are vital.

Usually, you’ll be paying a lower fee to join as the franchise tries to attract those early-adopters that can propel it forwards.

If you find the right opportunity, that can mean significant reward for taking that risk later down the line when the brand under which you operate suddenly becomes the next big thing in its marketplace.

And on a personal growth level, there are also opportunities to branch out – whether through buying a vacant neighbouring territory to expand your own business or by becoming an experienced mentor to the next wave of franchisees.

An established brand already has significant infrastructure in place, whereas in a newer brand you might get involved in shaping the network, and will usually be dealing with the business owner(s) in the beginning at least, giving a personal touch that some find appealing.

It’s certainly a more risky proposition, but if you’re willing to take that risk then the rewards are potentially substantial too. Because they’re newer to the model and the market, in an emerging brand the early franchisees in the network are usually instrumental in shaping the business as it moves forwards and grows. That means more freedom for you to input your own ideas – but remember, they’ll still have to fit within the overall business model!

At the bfa we have a category called ‘Provisionally Listed’ to distinguish those brands that are newer to the sector. That means that the business has demonstrated a commitment to ethical franchising, taken the right advice and has a proven pilot system in place. Those are important signs you should be looking out for in a newer franchise brand to help you identify the good from the rest.

At its heart, the choice of known versus new franchisor comes down to a risk versus reward equation; how comfortable you are with each on a personal level is important to establish.

Also remember: though they may be inherently less risky, there are no guarantees even with the bigger brands – dedication, hard work, tenacity and a strong will are vital to your success in franchising, no matter the size of brand you’re operating under.

For more information on any aspect of franchising visit www.thebfa.org.

ABOUT PIP

Pip Wilkins is the Chief Executive of the British Franchise Association (bfa). With 18 years’ experience in the franchise sector, Pip has worked her way up within the Association, gaining insight from all areas of the business and the franchise industry. She is well-known and highly regarded in franchising for her dedication and depth of knowledge.

Pip regularly speaks at conferences and seminars both domestically and internationally, as well as writing on franchising matters for national, local and franchising trade press. Pip is also a judge for the annual bfa HSBC Franchisor and Franchisee of the Year Awards.

Pip represents the UK at both the European Franchise Federation (EFF) and World Franchise Council (WFC). The bfa has grown to be one of the largest franchise associations in Europe, and one of the most successful associations in the world.

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Co-parenting Advice for Divorced Dads

Top 10 Co-parenting Advice for Divorced Dads – Managing that 6 Percent Gap

Published on
W. Eric Croomes
W. Eric Croomes
Author and
Transformation Coach

In the jurisdiction where I live, my co-parent and I split the time with our son fifty-three to forty-seven percent.

Although it varies in different municipalities, here it works to about a six percent gap.

The Six Percent Rule is focused on redirecting your energy toward effectively managing the gap between non-custodial time and your time.

The key to remember is when you remain focused and positive, you are not just making great inroads during the time the child is actually in your care, but you are also managing the six-percent gap in between your time and the mother’s time.

Following the six percent rule will enhance your parenting experience; it will make your time with your child or children more productive.

Most of all, it will give you credence with your offspring as you navigate the choppy waters of co-parenting (read: you will look like the parent taking the high road).

So, if you are a dad and you are co-parenting a child with a hostile mother, follow these motivators to do what is best for the child or children.

Here are ten simple maxims to manage the Six Percent Gap:

1. Focus on Priorities: always stay focused on the priorities; don’t waste time on the superficial stuff; don’t get into miniscule arguments that end up wasting your energy and time.

2. Bend but Don’t Break: be ready to compromise; your child can learn a lot from you about school yard and classroom citizenship when you do this.

3. Influence not Control: it is virtually impossible to ‘control’ a child who is a product of two households; focus instead on influencing the action you’d like to produce.

4. Use Panoramic Lessons: use the larger lessons of life to influence your child in the direction you want them to go; don’t be afraid to use storytelling, metaphor and art to enhance your point.

5. Eliminate the Negative: as much as you possibly can, accentuate the positive and stay away from the negative; say something positive about the mother – even if you don’t believe it!

6. Bridle your Ego: don’t let your ego become the main attraction; suppress it and move on; there are bigger fish to fry.

7. Set the Context: both of the parental relationship and with the child and do it with positive parameters. You are going to have to make up in your mind that you are going to respond positively – no matter what!

8. Execute Lateral Negotiation. never negotiate up or down; if you are a co-conservator, act like one! Proceed from your place of power.

9. Choose Your Battles Wisely: every battle is not a war; choose your conflicts wisely; sometimes it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.

10. Always give your Best: you may not always have the best to give but you can always give your best; never say ‘I can’t get him because I don’t have any money’; trust in your power; trust that the universal supply.

Raising a child is hard in and of itself, but when you manage by the Six Percent Rule, it’s a lot easier.

(Article first published on thyblackman.com)

 

About Eric Croomes

Eric Croomes is native of Phoenix, Arizona and is founder and chief executive coach of Infinite Strategies LLC, a multi-level coaching firm that develops and executes strategies for fitness training, youth achievement and lifestyle management.

Eric is an author, fitness professional, holistic life coach and motivational speaker.

His two books, Dance in the Dark, Poetic Reflections on Love and Culture (The Apple Tree Group, 2002) and Brotha2Brotha, Becoming Healthy Men from the Inside Out (The Apple Tree Group, 2006), were nominated in 2007 for a literary award and deal primarily with relationships, personal achievement and empowerment.

Eric is also a contributing author to the book No Glory Without a Story, released in May, 2010.   Life’s A Gym: Seven Fitness Principles to Get the Best of Both is Eric’s third solo effort and was released as an eBook in September, 2015.

He is also founder and director of Their Eyes Were Watching Daddy, a non-profit empowerment and mentoring group for teens and single-dads.

Certifications and Licenses

Certified Personal Trainer, National Federation Professional Trainers

Certified Holistic Lifestyle Coach, John Spencer Ellis Institute

Certified Motivational Speaker, IAP Career College

Licensed Baptist Minister

Member, International Toastmasters

Contact Information

Cell: 214.493.2875

Email: askcoacheric@outlook.com

Facebook: W. Eric Croomes and Americas Life Trainer

Twitter: @LifeTrainerEric

LinkedIn: W. Eric Croomes

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What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband
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Life after Divorce – What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband, 20 Years Later

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

It was a novel suggestion. What would I say to my former spouse if given the opportunity?

We haven’t spoken in nearly two decades. Twenty five years of marriage is so far behind me now that most of my life has been without him.

The hurt he left behind surfaces occasionally with me and our sons. We long ago learned to deal with it and push it back in the shadows where it belongs. I wonder if he knows of that paternal legacy.

I used to think he was my bridge over troubled water. Now I realize that notion was reversed. His demons far exceeded mine.

There was a time when I missed him so much I ached. That feeling left me years ago and never returned. My biggest battle today is suppressing regret for time lost in a marriage that was doomed from the very beginning.

Our oldest son saw the demise of the family before we did. He told me that when he was barely a teenager it was already evident. We may have been fooling ourselves but not him.

Childhood sweethearts can be both a boon and a bane. In our situation is was the latter. He skilfully exploited my innocence. I grew up after he left, a painful but invigorating process.

This is what I would say if given the opportunity. Our conversation would include the following anecdote, questions, and observations.

Last summer, our oldest grandchild, all of seven years old, asked ” What happened? Why don’t you live together?” I hope someday he asks you the same question and that you have the grace to answer the question honestly. Not wink and toss it off as a joke as you are wont to do or dismiss it as all just “water under the bridge.”

This time you got a pass on your behaviour thanks to our son who fielded the question rather skilfully. No mention of your trademark deception and dishonesty. Seven years old is too young to know the truth. But someday he will know the answer.

Our sons are our greatest asset together. They are dedicated to their families. I worried about that because of the example you had set as a husband and father. Did your parenting choices ever concern you? For many years they were fatherless.

I would ask you about the phenomenon that a father can walk away from a family and turn a corner and not look back. We are not the only family to experience this type of abandonment. I don’t understand how men, mostly, can have little family contact for years on end. A Facebook connection with the odd puerile quip is hardly parenting.

I would ask you about how you lived a lie every day of our marriage. I get stuck on that fact I must confess. Over 20 years later and it still gets me. Every memory of our life together from high school forward is couched with the fact it was all a lie. Every profession of love, everything you ever said or did was framed by your lies.

I would tell you one of the best decisions I ever made was reclaiming my maiden name. I have a colleague to thank for the change. He refused to address me by my married name after the divorce details emerged. So almost by default I went back to my ‘maiden’ name and for 20 odd years I am grateful every single day I did that. It is a name worthy of that honour.

I would tell you I miss sharing this time of life with children and a gaggle of grandchildren. At least with -the you- the fatherly pastiche you wore so well. All of that is framed with the possibility you never really cared about any of it. Our life together might be nothing more to you than photo ops, well placed good deeds and empty words of sincerity to cover your secrets.

I would observe, that, as is often the case in divorce, you ended up much more financially secure than I did. However, my freedom from you is priceless.

I would ask you those questions and then doubt your answers. Would you just tell me what you think I want to hear, something you do very well or would you be honest? I am not sure what an honest answer sounds like coming from you.

I used to think ours was a great love until I found the real deal. I used to be afraid of you but I am not anymore. I still want to know the name of the silent partner in our marriage that you have refused to reveal.

And thus the conversation would end in an egregious manner, just like our marriage.

More than 20 years of silence is a lifetime. Perhaps it is all water under the bridge.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

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Free Printable Parenting Plan

The Benefits of Parenting Plans – with a Free Printable Parenting Plan

Published on
Ruth Langford
Qualified Paralegal specialising in Family Law

One of the most difficult discussions that parents may have as part of their separation or divorce is what happens to the children; knowing what to discuss and where to start can be very difficult.

Parents may tend to focus on the ‘every other weekend and one night in the week’ scenario, rather than the entirety of arrangements for their children.

By using a parenting plan as a discussion tool to begin with, parents can use the questions asked in the plan to talk about what arrangements would work best for them and their children.

What is a Parenting Plan?

A parenting plan is simply a written record of the agreement made by parents that set out how they would like to continue parenting their children after separation or divorce and what the practical arrangements are.

Why Use a Parenting Plan?

Using a parenting plan provides parents with a structure when they discuss making practical and workable arrangements for their children.

There are many advantages to using a parenting plan, not least because it helps keep parents out of court and focused on their children; and unlike a court order, which is set in stone, a parenting plan allows for flexible arrangements and can be reviewed at appropriate times – for example, when a child moves from nursery to primary school. Other benefits include:

Helping to keep both parents’ legal fees down, as you are discussing the arrangements between you and not using the solicitors to communicate with your partner or spouse.

Helping to create a stable environment for your children as there is reduced conflict between you and your child’s other parent.

Helping parents focus on work together for their children, which shows your children that you are working hard to put their interests and needs first.

Parents who have invested in coming to agreements about the arrangements for children feel more empowered and are far more likely to stick to the plan.

If parents wish, their children can have an input into the arrangements so that any considerations the children would like taken into account can be heard – for example, having friends to sleep over at both their homes and, in the case of older children, having new freedoms.

This is not the same as allowing children to decide or choose the arrangements themselves – children should never have that burden of responsibility placed on them, but they should be able to have a say and make some suggestions as to what they would like.

A parenting plan can include specific important events for your family – the annual summer barbeque that Uncle Mike has each year or Granny’s Boxing Day feast, for example. All families are different; a parenting plan takes this into account and allows parents and families to include these all-important family gatherings and traditions.

Who is the Plan for?

The parenting plan is useful for all parents who are separating or divorcing, but it’s especially for parents who wish or intend to put together a proposal regarding the child arrangements for the other parent to consider whether that’s for informal discussion between them or for mediation sessions.

A parent who is considering applying to Court is also required to submit a completed parenting plan along with the application.

This shows the Court that you have put a great deal of thought into what it is you are asking the Court to consider and that you have a very clear idea of what you think are the best arrangements for your children.

Once you have an agreement with the other parent, you can also formalise the agreed arrangements for children by signing a copy of the parenting plan, which sets out the final arrangements.

This signed, final copy not only formalises your agreement but can also act as an important guide to refer to if any issues are raised in the future over what the agreed arrangements are.

And remember, the arrangements don’t have to set in stone – there may be events or life changes such as a new job or moving to a new town that mean any carefully thought-out arrangements are no longer relevant, and they need to be revised and changed to reflect your new circumstances.

I have written this parenting plan specifically to help parents have positive and constructive discussions about parenting after separation or divorce. I really wanted it to be something that facilitates conversation and dialogue between parents and at the same time guide them a little by making some useful suggestions as part of the questions posed.

I also am a firm believer in keeping parents out of court whenever possible, and empowering and enabling them to work together, because it’s not better just for their children – it’s better for parents too.

Here is your free printable parenting plan – Downloadable parenting plan document from Oratto

About Ruth Langford, F.Isnt.Pa

Ruth is a Qualified Paralegal specialising in Family Law in both England/Wales and Scotland, with a particular interest in the law as it applies to children.  She has been advising and assisting people going through family break-up for over 9 years.

Ruth is co-author of The Family Law A to Z – A,  the reference book for litigants & students; and is an established and published writer, and has written for publications in the UK, Australia and the USA.

She has made a number of appearances on radio and television, and been featured in a number of media and magazine articles. In 2014, she was a consultant for a major story line on an award-winning television drama series.

Ruth is an elected Fellow of the Institute of Paralegals, a member of the Association of Lawyers for Children and was one of the first UK women to join Leading Women 4 Shared Parenting. In October 2015, she was awarded the honour of Jordan’s Family Law Paralegal of the Year.

Ruth previously worked for Wikivorce and now works for Oratto, an innovative client-led business. Oratto is about helping people choose the right lawyer for their particular issue as well as providing a quick and easy route to engage with a legal practitioner.

She lives in Hampshire with her husband, daughter, and a variety of animals. In her spare time, she enjoys crochet, walking and photography.

www.Oratto.co.uk

Ruth.Langford@Oratto.co.uk

Twitter – @Ruth_Langford  or @OrattoLaw

 

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Life after Divorce as a Single
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Life after Divorce as a Happy Single Grandma

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

Who knew that grand-parenting would be so much fun? Who knew I’d be a solo grandma?

It was understood in my marriage that somewhere in the future we would be very proud grandparents together. However, like many baby boomers, our marriage didn’t make it. I’ve been single for 20 years and since 2009 I have been a solo grandma.

My Grandparents

My grandparents were married 67 years. That was my frame of reference.

They lived to 100 years of age in their own home. Loving and fiercely independent to the very end. Fought the War of Independence with a twinkle in their eye — she was a very proud Yankee and he was a very dignified Brit, who came to Canada when he was just 16.

They were there — together — while I was growing up. There was something solid and reassuring about my grandparents. A pair. A unit. And an example of mutual commitment.

They were the first through the door when my father, their much loved son-in-law, died very suddenly when I was 19. We were reeling from this huge loss – there they were at the door in the middle of night. So solid. The rock we needed.

We always said my grandfather looked like and had the elegance of Fred Astaire. Dignified. Debonair. By example, he made a huge impression on my sons when they were growing up.

For my own sons, their paternal grandfather — the only one they had — was very cold, distant, and rarely seen. So their great-grandfather was the grandfather in their life.

Every holiday was a large multi- generational affair with my grandparents sitting like proud peacocks at the table, smiling privately to each other. Everyone gathered at the table was there because those two met by happenstance and married in 1915. I thought history would repeat itself somewhere in my future. But that was not to be.

My Grandchildren

From my very youngest grandchild born this past Christmas to the oldest who was born on my 60th birthday in 2009, I have shared every moment with my sons as a solo parent and grandparent. I have taken those first phone calls from the delivery room. Heard the awe in my sons’ voices. Heard the first little cry of a brand new member of the family.

I haven’t spoken to my former spouse for many years. Until recently, his presence in my sons’ lives was very minimal. I don’t stumble over pronouns when speaking about my family. For me, the singular fits very well now. In conversation, these grandchildren are mine.

Shared History Lost

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel some sense of loss. I miss sharing the history with someone who knew my sons growing up. Marveling when I see my grandchildren behave in a way reminiscent of their father, forty years ago. There is no partner to turn to and nod knowingly.

You loose a lot in a divorce but nothing more than that shared history.

My sons and I reminisce but they don’t remember the trip home from the hospital with them as brand new babies. Those terrifying first days of parenthood. Looking at the little bundle in the cradle – my cradle when I was a baby – and feeling such overwhelming love and responsibility. And then fast forward 40 years and seeing a brand new generation in that very same cradle.

As their grandma, I am seeing life through the eyes of a child again with the time to really appreciate it.

Who knew I would feel such love all over again? From the first moment, just like I did all those years ago with my sons.

Being a solo grandma in no way diminishes the experience. I have learned to love everything about life — solo. I have shared so many wonderful bits of travel and adventure with my grandchildren. In only seven years we have a history together.

First steps, first words, and many ‘I love you’s” wrapped up in chubby little arms. We share private jokes, have favourite books. These early years with my grandchildren are fleeting moments in time. They are snatched up, snuggled up and enjoyed. And then-just like their fathers before them-these little ones will be grown.

Sunrise, sunset, swiftly go the years….
Wasn’t it yesterday
… they were small?

ABOUT LINDA

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience.

As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

Linda writes for Huffington Post too.

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