coping with divorce - Page 12

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Dad, Tango and Divorce Grief

Published on
Erina Calder Certified Life Coach
Erina Calder
Certified Life Coach

When I was nine years old our family got divorced.

I say it this way because in one day our American stepmother moved back to Texas with our younger brother and sister.

Overnight, dad found himself the solo caretaker of my sister and I, in our English suburb.

He carried his grief with dignity – compartmentalizing it as best he could – to deal with later. My father kept a diary through this tough time.

After work, he also went to the bar, the theatre in London, walked in nature, golfed with his best friend and wrote avidly. He took cooking classes (I’ll never forget the gooseberry salad or the pink and blue pasta) and he eventually started dating.

He parented us through those first, tough years, steering us as best he could through his emotional exhaustion.

Grief takes a lot of energy. It can swallow up your ability to connect with even your closest family and friends – as you try and protect them from waves of emotion that you fear might sweep you away.

I became aware of my ‘coach heart’ as my sister and I watched our Dad go through his divorce grief.

As a youngster, I wanted Dad to feel better. Of course, at that time I had no idea how to help. Besides the obvious maturity deficit, my mind was swimming with preteen angst, crushes and best friend drama.

However, I welcomed opportunities to hear my father out when he was ready. As the years went on and he slowly unpacked his grief, Dad opened up at times.

Divorce GriefWe talked late into the night as we sat in old, avocado green armchairs in front of the fireplace of our home in Ireland. I relished hearing him finally vocalize his feelings about the past, and we were able to revisit some of the quirkiness of the tough years.

Dad took a long, quiet road to healing. He pushed his grief deep down and packed it away, no doubt so that he could continue to function as a parent and keep our family afloat.

As the years went by, however, he also modeled flexibility and openness to change. He took dance classes, and eventually met our beloved Sam (wife #3) in pursuit of the perfect tango partner. Yes, my friends, tango.

Eventually I became a Life Coach, working with men and women as they go through the process of divorce and tough breakups.

People can learn to handle the waves of emotion (even negative emotions) and to use the thoughts and emotions that once bothered them to help them become what they truly long to be.

As for grief, time heals us only after we face it.

Divorce grief can look like anger, denial, or depression. People forget that this is the same grief cycle as losing a beloved family member, and it can go on for a lot longer. Along with that, we often feel a host of other feelings – guilt, shame and self reproach being common to most.

These days men and women don’t have to take the long, lonely road – or bear divorce grief all alone. If you want the company of others in the same boat, there are community groups and specialized workshops out there for you.

If you prefer the luxury of privacy and individual attention, work with a Life Coach or a Counselor.

And hats off to you Dad. Tango on.

About Erina

Erina is a Certified Life Coach, author of coaching manual ‘Change Your Mind with Affirmations’, a blogger, and fine artist.

Three countries have been home. She was born in Dallas,Texas, but moved to England at five years old. (A tough transition for her accent!) The family moved again during her teen years to the beautiful fishing village of Glengarriff, Ireland, where she finished school and attended nearby University College Cork.

The day after sitting the last exam for her BA, she followed her heart back to the States, landing for a while in Boulder, Colorado.

Finally, she took root with her husband and their three children in Chagrin Falls, Ohio – “the longest I’ve lived anywhere in my life.”

Erina was Certified as a Life Coach through The Life Coach School in California, by nationally acclaimed Master Coach Instructor Brooke Castillo. She maintains “I’ve always been a coach at heart”.

Please check out her website for more info at www.acomfortablemind.com or call 440-622-0532.

Find Erin on Facebook:

Twitter: @erinacoach

Pinterest: Erina Coach

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Divorce, Child Psychology and your Family Mediation Process

Published on
una-archer
Una Archer Child Psychologist
Louis Whitney
Louisa Whitney Family Mediator

This article looks at how using child psychologists along side the mediation process can help parents to achieve the best possible outcomes for their children when they separate.

Separation is a hard process for an adult to go through – especially where it comes unexpectedly.

Being able to look after your own well being and equipping yourself to make important decisions can be too much for some adults to manage at times.

Trying to help children make sense of the change and their relationship with both parents is something many parents can struggle to manage. In the same way that clients need expert help to make the right decisions about financial matters, they can also need expert help to assist them in supporting their children during this transition.

When a couple start to look at how they will resolve issues relating to money, children and possessions, a sticking point in making arrangements can often be differing views about children.

The two parties may have different perceptions about how their child, or children, are coping with the separation.

They may feel that different arrangements would work best. They may even have fundamental differences about the way that they parent their children. In some cases these differences have been a contributing factor in the breakdown of the relationship.

Whatever the issues it’s important to remember that children experience the same relationship breakdown as their parents.

Children are half of each parent, and it hurts them when they hear their parents making rude comments to or about each other – or becoming angry with each other.

As Resolution members are aware, in recent studies (publicised as part of DR week) one of the greatest frustration of children and young people was not being heard during their parents’ separation – and not having what was happening explained to them.

A child psychologist can help parents to become more in tune with the needs of their children during this difficult time.

your Family Mediation Process This article explains how using the services of a child psychologist, along side parents attending mediation to find a resolution, can be most useful. This may, or may not, be coupled with parents seeing solicitors to obtain advice during the mediation process.

It can take time following a separation for parties to feel able to start thinking about what happens next.

It is not unusual for one party to feel they have come to terms with the relationship breakdown more quickly and to want to focus on the next steps, whilst the other party is still struggling to process what has happened.

It is important that both parties work at a pace that they can both work within.

A mediator will be mindful of this and incorporate this into the process and timetable. Parties can see a mediator as soon as they feel able to talk about the situation.

A mediator will usually start with an individual meeting with each party. In that meeting they will explain how mediation works and the different ways in which you can move forward. Assuming mediation is a suitable process, the parties can then move to having joint meetings – although they may leave a period of time before the first meeting, to enable them to either gather information together, or to feel more able to deal with the joint sessions.

Sometimes the parties are not able to make progress in mediation because they are overwhelmed by their emotions.

Una explains that the parties may feel scared or threatened. This does not mean that either party is threatening the other; just that they find the situation they are in threatening.

Having to contemplate more formal arrangements to parent their children, trying to ascertain whether the children will be safe to stay with their ex, feeling overwhelmed by the thought that this will adversely affect their children for life – any one of those concerns can seriously undermine their sense of security and trigger a “fight, flight or freeze” response.

This response initiates quick action for the best chance of survival in situations that are perceived as dangerous. It can vary in its strength. If the reaction is mild the client may look anxious, on the edge, or distant or withdrawn.

Here are a few suggestions that might help to defuse it within the mediation session:

  • Slow down
  • Repeat, or ask both parties to repeat what has just been said
  • Acknowledge what is happening: ‘This is a very sensitive issue and talking about it may be hard. We will go at the pace you are feel comfortable with’
  • Have a comfort break
  • Reduce the amount of documents on the desk

Here a few examples of a stronger ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response:

  • Experiencing strong immediate reactions where there is no space for dialogue or compromise
  • Refusing to deal with or acknowledge the situation such as ignoring phone calls, emails, or not being prepared to discuss issues in any way.
  • A person freezes and is unable to take in information or process issues and make decisions.

Where one or both parties experience this reaction, it can make it difficult for mediation to continue – or for there to be constructive dialogue about the issues.

A child psychologist can be helpful in assisting clients with resolving this reaction by:

  • Helping the party or parties to re-engage with their ability to regulate their emotions, reflect and examine the issue from different perspectives and be flexible, creative and empathetic.
  • Helping parents to understand what their children need to adjust to their particular situation. Narrowing the focus to just a few key areas can reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed and provide the parents with the comfort of knowing they can help their children.
  • Creating a clear action plan to enable parents to be more present with their children.

This, in turn, enables them to return to mediation and to make progress with shaping the resolution that they think will serve them, and their children, best going forwards.

your family mediation processA child psychologist can also work with parents in the later stages when they are looking to implement the plan that they have put together in mediation.

This might be once they have physically separated and moved into separate houses and are now sharing care of their children.

It can be a huge transition for all involved to live as two separate households and to implement a plan that was only theory when it was discussed in mediation.

A newly separated parent can feel exposed and uncertain in some areas of parenting.

There might be situations that an ex partner used to deal with that a parent now has to tackle themselves. Una has a more positive outlook on this as a chance to take stock of what is happening in their relationship with their child at that moment. Having the opportunity to invest time and energy into creating a really solid relationship with their child, that they are both happy with, can be a life defining journey that can enhance their bond forever.

A child psychologist can help parents to develop a clear understanding of what their child needs from them and how they can meet those needs. It can also assist parents in helping their child (or children) to:

  • Trust they can share their thoughts and feelings with their parents
  • Feel comfortable in their own skin – understood, accepted, important, safe and loved
  • Have lasting friendships
  • Enjoy and fully engage in their learning – whatever their interests are

This gives them confidence in their role as a parent – in a way that they may not have had during the marriage. How often do parents feel “I’m not good enough” or that “my child is asking for more than I can give”?

It also empowers parents to rewire patterns that may have existed in their family for generations.

Those patterns influence their unspoken agreements about how much affection, support, acceptance, space, and respect one can expect in a relationship.

By working with a child psychologist the party, or parties, can work out what relationship they, as a parent, will have with their child going forwards and how they can bring it to life and make it their everyday reality.

This enables families to move forward to a new chapter where they will be living separately but still working individually and together to make sure their children are happy, healthy and thriving.

About Una and Louisa

Una Archer MBPsS is a child psychologist helping divorcing parents to soften the impact of their separation on their children.

She works to help parents understand what they need to do so that their children feel just as loved, secure and comfortable in their own skin as they did before the separation – and sometimes even more so.

Louisa Whitney practised as a family law solicitor for approximately 10 years before also qualifying as a family mediator.

Three years ago she set up her own mediation practice in Surrey and now works as a family mediator full time.

She is passionate about helping separating couples find a resolution that’s tailor made to them and their family.  For more information about her mediation practice visitwww.lkwfamilymediation.co.uk

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How To Calculate Child Maintenance

How To Calculate Child Maintenance – Free Child Maintenance Calculator

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Haroop Ahluwalia Divorce Solicitor Cordell & Cordell
Haroop Ahluwalia
Divorce Solicitor
Cordell & Cordell

According to research from parenting charity Gingerbread, the total amount of unpaid Child Maintenance stands at nearly £4 billion.

Organising Child Maintenance following a divorce or separation can seem like a daunting task. But with the right information at hand, you’ll feel confident setting the process up.

With that in mind, we’ve gathered all of the essential information you need to know about Child Maintenance and how to calculate how much is due.

The Importance of Child Maintenance

Child Maintenance helps to ensure your child’s welfare isn’t affected following the split from your partner. The weekly payment can be used for food, clothing, and general living costs for your child. Child Maintenance helps to alleviate any concern parents may have about how to care for their child after the separation.

How Do You Apply For Child Maintenance?

Before you submit your application for Child Maintenance with the Child Maintenance Service (CMS), it is advisable to talk to Child Maintenance Options (CMO).

They will talk through all of the available payment options and help you to identify the best one for you based on your circumstances.

After your payment method has been chosen, CMO will provide you with a reference number that you need in order to submit your Child Maintenance application. You will also need to provide information about your child, contact details for both parents and their bank details.

What Factors Are Taken Into Consideration?

A number of different factors are taken into consideration when Child Maintenance is calculated.

The CMS will ask you a series of questions to determine how much Child Maintenance is due. These include:

  • Your age
  • Your gross weekly income (This is prior to Tax and National Insurance deductions but post-pension contributions)
  • If you receive any benefits
  • How many children you will be paying Child Maintenance for
  • The number of other children that live with you
  • How often your child stays with you overnight

Calculating Child Maintenance

The process of calculating Child Maintenance doesn’t need to be daunting. Leading international family law firm Cordell & Cordell has created a Child Maintenance Calculator to give you an indication of what you or your ex-partner can expect to pay.

Free Child Maintenance CalculatorYour age can make a big difference to the application process. Parents younger than 16 are not eligible for Child Maintenance.

Your gross weekly income will determine which tax band the calculator places you in. However, as per Government legislation, it’s worth noting that there is an income cap of £3,000 per week. Any income over this amount will not be taken into account.

Benefits also have an impact on the amount of Child Maintenance due. If you receive certain benefits, you may be classed as ‘flat rate’ and be given the minimum amount to pay, or you may not be eligible at all.

The number of children you are paying Child Maintenance for is also taken into consideration. A reduction is then applied to the working figure based on the number of children.

A further percentage reduction is then applied if you are supporting other children in your household – for example, your new partner’s child.

The number of nights that your child stays overnight with you helps to determine the status of shared care with your ex-partner. The calculator will use all of the above data and estimate how much Child Maintenance is due per week.

The figure the calculator provides is an estimate so it’s advisable to refer to the CMS for more information.

What if a Payment is Missed?

If a payment is missed or not paid in full, the CMS is within its rights to obtain the money owed by a number of means.

These include:

  • Deductions from the paying parent’s salary
  • Money owed taken from the paying parent’s bank account
  • Instruction to bailiffs to collect goods from the paying parent’s home to the value of the money owed
  • Imprisonment

With the above consequences in mind it’s important to make sure that you or your ex-partner can keep up with the payments when applying for Child Maintenance.

It’s also equally important to inform HMRC and the CMS of any changes to your circumstances. Things that you can take for granted such as changes in salary increases or benefits you receive can have a major impact on the amount of Child Maintenance that should be paid.

Author Haroop

Haroop Ahluwalia is a London divorce solicitor at Cordell & Cordell.

He has significant experience in both property and family law. The opportunity to work closely with clients, guide them through each step of the divorce process and help level the playing field in the UK divorce courts is why he chose to practise family law exclusively.

You can contact Haroop on 0330 60 60 161 or by visiting http://cordellcordell.co.uk/.

 

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I’m Getting Divorced: How to Help Children Cope with Divorce and Separation

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Clayton Miller
Clayton Miller
Founding Member Partner KMJ Solicitors

If you’re thinking of getting divorced, you’re not not alone.

With 42% of UK marriages ending in divorce, the UK has the highest divorce rate in Europe. Unfortunately, a high percentage of these divorces involve more than two people.

If you’re leaving your marriage and wondering what this means for your children, here’s a rundown of how to help your child cope, and what it means for their future.

Younger Children can Experience Greater Issues from Separation

The time between a child’s birth and when they turn six years old is crucial in terms of development.

During these years, it’s important that a child has contact with the people with whom he or she has formed a bond, usually the child’s parents.

If this relationship is disturbed, disrupted or removed entirely, it can cause problems later in life, such as an inability to form healthy and enduring romantic or personal relationships, or the lack of motivation to study and work.

There is probably no battle more destructive to a child than the battle over the time a child spends with both parents. While mediators and solicitors in family law can help to some extent, it is often hard for them to judge what is best for the child.

If the case is taken to court and it falls to the ruling of a judge, the decision may overly favour the father or the mother. If an amicable divorce is at all possible and parents can put aside their personal battles for the sake of their children, then often the child is far better off than losing most or all contact with one of their caregivers.

This being said, while divorce can be upsetting for children, researchers agree that a split is better for children in the long run than an unhappy marriage.

Children and Teenagers Require Different Treatment in Divorce

In studies on the development of children up until the age of six, research on the effects of separation on young children confirms that children can be harmed emotionally when separated from the parent with whom they have the primary attachment.

Help Children Cope with Divorce and SeparationWhen separated, the child often becomes anxious or distressed — the beginnings of what can become, for a small percentage of children, far more serious emotional problems in their adult life.

While a younger child can respond to a divorce by trying to get their parents back together, a common response among teenagers is to try and get back at the parents. Where a young child feels sadness, the adolescent manifests feelings of anger. A divorce can drive even more of a wedge between a teenager and their family than they already feel, and compel them further to break away.

Advice from a psychologist is to take advantage of the adolescent’s self-interest by giving them more responsibility, therefore giving them the feeling of the family relying on them, which counteracts the feeling of increased separation and independence from the family unit.

For younger children, it is important to observe and practice the 3 Rs to restore a child’s trust in the security of their family: Routines, Rituals, and Reassurance.

Divorce can Actually be Beneficial to Children

In this article in the Huffington Post, adults talk about the effect their parents’ divorce had on them, either as children or adults. Some of the most harmful things parents can do to their children in a divorce are badmouthing the other parent in front of the child and trying to get their children to choose a side.

However, some also said they felt a sense of relief after their parents divorced, and were happy to see their parents begin to thrive on their own.

In a 2002 study by Mavis Hetherington, it was found that many children experience anxiety, anger, shock and disbelief as some common short-term negative effects from divorce. After a year or two, however, these side-effects have reduced or completely disappeared, and it is only in a minority of cases that the negative after-effects of divorce continue long-term.

Handled well, the negative effects of divorce discussed above can in time fade, as opposed to causing the long-term damage that is also a risk.

If there has been a lot of conflict before and during a divorce, there is little doubt from researchers that divorce is beneficial for children. In a 1985 study, Hetherington found that a high level of conflict before the split can help children to adjust to the split itself.

By contrast, when the conflict before a divorce is much less, the child is more unprepared and therefore might find it harder to adjust. If the child is from a high-discord family, then the divorce may be a welcome relief from their parents’ fighting.

What Difference can a Good Divorce Lawyer Make?

The right divorce lawyer can make all the difference in a divorce, whether you’re faced with a battle over the children, a disagreement over assets, or even an amicable but unsure divorce where you’re not sure how to proceed.

Divorce lawyers will have handled many cases involving children, so it’s important to find one that suits the needs of you and your children.

If you’re based in London, for instance, make sure you hunt through the best divorce lawyers in London until you find the right one, rather than settling. A good divorce lawyer in London will be able to advise on separation of assets, as well as how to divide childcare between two households instead of one.

The best divorce lawyers in London, or in other parts of the UK, will also be able to advise on foreign marriages if one partner wishes to move away.

In such situations, complications can arise about how to handle childcare, as courts can be reluctant to sanction relocation to another country with a child. This reluctance can seriously impact their relationship with the parent in the original country.

Whatever the situation, whether you’re considering or undergoing a divorce, an experienced solicitor for your divorce can make not only your life much easier but also the lives of your children.

About Clayton

Clayton Miller is a founding member partner of KMJ Solicitors, a highly sought-after family law firm in London.

Legal 500 describe Clayton as being especially able to “assimilate and master the details of complex financial cases and keep on top of them”.

Clayton is dual qualified in both Australia and the UK and is a member of the dual-qualified Family Lawyers and International Bar Association. He has over fifteen years of experience as a family law specialist, including divorce and separation as well as offshore trusts, prenuptial agreements and cohabitation law.

 

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10 Heartbreaking Confessions of Divorced Parents

Published on
Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)
Ruth A. S. Nichols, M.A., M.A., CFLE p (Certified Family Life Educator, provisional)

Hindsight is always 20/20.  Looking over our shoulder at the past, we can see so much more clearly what we might have done differently-one small nuance that would have changed everything.

If only we could have the clarity of perfect vision while going through divorce; the difference this could make in custody matters.

Understandably, as a parent in the midst of custody issues, there are strong feelings of grief and heartache. Often times, emotions take over. Unkind comments are exchanged. Feelings are hurt. Lapses in judgement happen, and the child is caught in the middle.

Many parents in the divorce process have experienced moments of humiliation and remorse. You are not alone. Break your silence.

The confessions below, collected from SharedParentingConfessional.com reveal the inner most thoughts of parents like you, about their divorce and custody issues.  Learn from the upsets and gain insight from 10 parents who now have the wisdom of clear-sighted vision.

Here are the heartbreaking regrets from 10 parents.  Some confessions share concern and determination to maintain their family:

Confessions of Divorced Parents

Confessions of Divorced Parents

Confessions of Divorced Parents

Several confessions reveal regrets. In some cases, cruel things are done or said with the intent to cause harm. When this happens, the consequences of their behaviors may not be realized until years later.  After, the children have lived their childhood without one parent.  After, one parent has lived their life without their children:

Confessions of Divorced Parents

Confessions of Divorced Parents

Confessions of Divorced Parents

Confessions of Divorced Parents

Some confessions express utter grief and heartache at the loss of their family and in the changes that have taken place: 

Confessions of Divorced Parents

Confessions of Divorced Parents

 

NOTE: If you are considering suicide as a solution to your divorce or Family Court matter, PLEASE stop and seek help. There are many groups that offer emotional support.

USA: National Suicide Hotline: 800-273-8255

USA: 2-1-1Offers free and low-cost services and resources

USA: Emergency services: 9-1-1

UK: Hopeline, 0800 068 4141

UK: Helpline, Helpline 0800 132 737

Fortunately, a few confessions are positive.  This post reveals a transformation process that improves everything for everyone:

Confessions of Divorced Parents

 

These are the experiences of 10 parents. Now that you have the benefit and clarity of perfect vision, what would you do?  Do you regret something you have done in your divorce or custody situation?

 

About Ruth

Ruth is a Certified Family Life Educator and advocate for SharedParenting.  She works in the arena of Shared Parenting focusing on the parent/child relationship in the divorce process.

Ruth actively participates in establishing equal parenting in custody and divorce. She has authored several articles on divorce, Family Court and Shared Parenting and is a contributor at the Huffington Post. She manages 3 sites directed toward the shared parenting arena and created a survey evaluating parents’ experience in Family Court.

Sites/links:

Contact at: MyConfession@SharedParentingConfessional.com

LIKE at: Facebook.com/SharedParentingConfessional

Shared Parenting Confessional site: SharedParentingConfessional.com

Research and information offered to enhance the parent-child relationship.    SharedParentingInfo.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Divorce Story – Dealing with Separating from Partners with Borderline Personality Disorder

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Two men that broke up with women who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) share their experiences and advice.

One got a divorce and the other had great difficulty disentangling himself from his girlfriend.

Both of the women tried to stop the break ups which seemed to trigger their fear of abandonment.

Jeff who is a martial arts instructor, reached his limit of tolerance and consulted with a highly recommended Family Law Firm. He was asked if he wanted a solicitor who was nurturing and would hold his hand all through proceedings.

The other choice was an avenger who was no nonsense. He chose the second one and asked if she had dealings with anyone with BPD.

Jeff cautions others to ensure that a potential legal representative is experienced with BPD cases. His solicitor kept emotion out of divorce for both him and the wife’s solicitor. Although a bit like a robot, she was effective and controlled proceedings in a matter-of-fact tone.

They both agreed that litigation was the best type of divorce for this situation. He did not want to be in a room with his spouse and wanted a judge to preside over proceedings.

They had a rocky marriage from the start, however Jeff stuck it out to be a good step-dad to Tara’s son. They had bought an expensive car when married, and Tara insisted upon receiving that one during the division of personal property. Jeff got the ancient one.

The step-son called Jeff and demanded that he turn his car over to him so he could get to school. Jeff refused as he needed his car for work. His mum did not want to take over Jeff’s former task of doing the school runs. Although he realized that his wife was using her son as a pawn in their divorce, Jeff questions how close he and the boy really were.

Jeff advises to keep kids out of proceedings and tell them that they are not messengers. Have your solicitor put an end to the other parent using youngsters as a tool, to try and get more from the divorce.

Jeff’s solicitor made sure he had meticulous financial records to cut down on arguments and false claims by the other side. Tara tried to have Jeff pay her £1000/month for his business. The solicitor quickly said that if she made a claim, that would also entail taking on his debt. It was dropped.

Partners with Borderline Personality Disorder Looking back, Jeff wished he had paid more attention to husband number one, who stated he was terrified of Tara.

In another case, Jim dated a women with Borderline Personality Disorder who was clingy and shunned him when he supposedly did something wrong.

She wanted others to be on her side and keep Jim attached to her. Amy would stop by Jim’s hair salon and bring him unplanned lunches. This was disruptive to his clients when he was in the middle of treatments. When Jim was backing away, Amy would try to hook him in with an unusual amount of sex.

People with BPD have impulsive behaviour and Amy was having multiple affairs.  When Jim would attempt to end their relationship, Amy acted so sweet, that he gave her another chance. It finally became too much when Jim felt he was a prisoner and Amy was keeping friends and family away. Amy had met with a therapist, but decided not to continue.

We planned his exit strategy. I told him to read about BPD with the probability that Amy also was narcissistic. This new knowledge empowered him to set boundaries.

Jim told Amy he was definitely through and there would be no going back. He made it clear that his apartment and work place were off limits. He explained the situation to his landlord who then changed the locks. Jim told neighbours not to let Amy into their flats or give out any information to her.

His co-workers were on board and would not accept food, presents, notes or anything from Amy. They were not to let her linger either. If Jim was there, he told her calmly and without emotion, to leave or he would call the police. Jim blocked her number from his cell and let calls to the business phone go to message first.

Friends and family were apprised of the situation and did not reveal anything to Amy if she contacted them. It was a community effort to help set boundaries, but after several months she started to drift away. Jim said the big thing was holding firm to boundaries and having others to support him in this endeavour.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder can have successful marital and parental relationships, although in these two cases the women declined therapy.

Breaking free from with someone with BPD can be difficult, so enlist others for help. Document any harassment in case you need a restraining order. Talking with a life coach may be invaluable for helping you plan your departure and getting on with life.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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What Happens in a Divorce after a Brain Injury?

Published on
Malcolm Underhill
Malcolm Underhill
Partner
IBBClaims

The pressure put on families when one of them suffers a brain injury is enormous; people’s characters can become drastically altered, and the strain of caring for an injured loved one is sometimes too much to bear.

Understanding how the courts deal with the distribution of assets during a divorce is hugely important whenever a damage settlement is involved, whether it’s awarded to your spouse or a child.

Here, we give an outline of how the courts deal with brain injury damages during a divorce, and how you can put plans in place to protect your settlement.

Firstly, UK law seeks to divide a couple’s assets evenly between spouses during a divorce.

This includes “matrimonial assets” which have been accrued throughout the marriage period, according to Section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. These assets are then distributed according to the three principles of compensation, sharing and need.

Damage settlements acquired from a brain injury can be treated as part of these assets, but courts will not simply divide the couple’s assets in half if this would compromise an injured person’s ongoing medical treatment – many brain damage settlements incorporate regular future payments to ensure future quality of life.

However, there are circumstances in which damages can be distributed between separating spouses.

Damages which become Matrimonial Assets

In divorce law, a couple’s matrimonial assets are taken to be the material wealth (and debts) they have accrued during their marriage period, including property, savings, income and other assets.

Depending upon the “heads of loss” in the settlement (the categories in which damages are paid), some damages may be regarded as matrimonial assets; for example, a wife who looks after the family home while the husband is building up their business is entitled to a share of her husband’s future earnings upon divorce.

Should he be injured and receive compensation for loss of earnings, then she is also entitled to a share of these in exactly the same way.

Likewise, damages sometimes include a “gratuitous care” payment, which compensates a spouse for the time they spend caring for their injured partner. In the event of a divorce, the sum for gratuitous care is regarded as the caregiver’s asset and the onus is on the injured party to prove that they require this money for continued care.

If damages have been used to invest in shared assets, they are likely to be seen as matrimonial assets and thus become more susceptible to distribution.

Therefore, damages that have been used to modify the couple’s home for easier access may well be treated as a divisible asset, rather than as an independent asset.

Ring-fencing your Settlement

Couples can decide how they’d like damage settlements to be handled by signing a marital agreement, either before or after getting married (commonly known as pre or postnuptial agreements).

Though these are not legally binding documents, courts are likely to abide by them if they’re written to ring-fence funds for a specific purpose – to guarantee ongoing therapy, or to ensure that a new house can be adequately modified.

Marital agreements which are too open-ended and guard against vague future developments are likely to be ignored, as the overriding concern of the court is to determine the demonstrable needs of the injured party.

Therefore it’s vitally important to maintain accurate records of correspondence and medical treatment to prove the treatment that’s required, and you must be sure to seek expert legal advice when drawing up a marital agreement.

What this means for you

The bottom line is that courts will attempt to divide a married couple’s assets exactly in half as closely as possible, and damages from brain injury will be taken into consideration as an asset.

However, the courts will always hold medical needs to be more important than even distribution, so while an injured party’s quality of life won’t be compromised, they may lose a portion of their settlement.

A couple’s wishes can be made clear through the use of a marital agreement, but this should seek to address proven medical needs to avoid being ignored by the courts.

About Malcolm

Malcolm Underhill is a solicitor with IBB Claims, specialising in brain injury claims. For more information, find them on Facebook and Twitter.

 

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New Arbitration Scheme for Children’s Issues

Children and Divorce – The Pros and Cons of the New Arbitration Scheme for Children’s Issues

Published on
Antony Ball, Head of hlw Keeble Hawson Doncaster Family Team.
Antony Ball,
Head of hlw Keeble Hawson Doncaster
Family Team.

A new form of arbitration scheme to keep family disputes out of court has been introduced by the Institute of Family Law Arbitrators (IFLA) from 1st August.

The Family Law Arbitration Children Scheme extends the Family Arbitration Scheme, which has been in place since 2012 to offer a way of resolving the financial and property issues that can arise quicker, privately and more cost-effectively.

With a less formal and daunting setting than a court, an independent arbitrator is appointed to make a decision.  They remain in place throughout proceedings and ex-partners decide together how, where and when the process unfolds. Among choices are whether sessions are held face-to-face or in writing only – and the areas arbitration is required on.

It makes sense that this less confrontational option to a courtroom battle has now been extended to issues concerning children – usually the most emotive area of any breakup.

Although the new process is not suitable in every case, it can be applied to resolving most issues about the welfare of children and parental responsibility. These include where they live, how much time they should spend with each parent and relocation within England and Wales.

As in other family arbitration, the arbitrator bases their decision on relevant facts and evidence – taking into account the views of both parties. The decision is final and binding on both parents.

The development has been welcomed for offering couples the benefits of the broader arbitration process – resolving disputes about parental responsibility more informally, rapidly and cost-effectively than in court.

And it certainly could be speedier and more convenient than litigation. Written evidence alone can be entered if both parties agree; financial and children’s matters – which are often inextricably linked – can be dealt with together; ex-spouses can select the arbitrator together; and hearings held at times to suit both.

These are all important ingredients to minimising conflict and resolving disputes amicably – which can only be in the best interests of the children.

However, while children’s arbitration can be cheaper and less stressful than prolonged court battles, whether it is more cost-effective in the long-run remains to be seen.

For example, a court fee is likely to cost less than appointing an arbitrator. Also, if a report is needed to establish the children’s wishes, the couple would have to instruct and pay for an independent social worker under the arbitration scheme.

In most court proceedings, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service (Cafcass), which looks after the interests of children in family proceedings, would prepare this without cost.

Remember, there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ best solution and couples should always seek professional advice on which route is best for their particular circumstances.

About Antony Ball

Qualifying as a solicitor in 2000, Antony joined hlw Keeble Hawson in 2010 to lead the Doncaster family team. He is a member of Resolution, an organisation of family lawyers, and the Law Society Children Panel – and always seeks to establish the best approach for the particular needs of each client.

With a strong commitment to establishing a non-confrontational approach to settling family disputes, some 20% of his workload now involves collaborative methods.

He can be contacted at on 01302 380225 or antonyball@hlwkeeblehawson.co.uk

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Business when going through Divorce

Protecting your Family Business when going through Divorce

Published on
Peter Jones Founder Jones Myers
Peter Jones
Founder
Jones Myers

The trauma of divorce, which impacts on separating couples, their children, and their wider family and friends, can be further exacerbated when a business is involved.

Many business owners with failed marriages have found themselves losing an organisation they have worked long and hard to build over decades, to their ex.

With UK family businesses employing over nine million people and accounting for a quarter of the UK’s GDP, according to the most recent statistics from the Institute for Family Business, safeguarding the family company is also critical when a divorce or separation becomes inevitable between husband and wife business partners.

Such cases, when husband and wife teams own joint shareholdings as “co-preneurs”, and are both seeking to retain their stake in the company, are the most difficult to resolve.

Many couples also employ their children in the family business – increasing the importance of a smooth transition to safeguard their sons’ and daughters’ respective roles.

In a divorce, a company is regarded as a matrimonial asset, to be sold or shared like any other. It is therefore vital for a couple in business together to secure sound legal advice before marrying, so that a pre-nuptial agreement can be drawn up. If already married, it is worth considering a post-nuptial if you failed to sign a pre-nup – or to protect any new business ventures.

Although pre-nups and post-nups are not legally binding, courts do take them into account and they can make the whole divorce process run more smoothly. However, despite their advantages, they will not prevent your business from coming under close scrutiny. How much is it worth? What income can it produce – now and in the future, when assets are divided? Should it be producing more?

Judges will often examine a business’ liquidity and how this might be paid out to the wider family to meet costs such as accommodation. Although problematic if you planned to use that liquidity as the seed corn for a future start-up, you must not hide any assets.

Collaborative law can be the most constructive, cost-effective and least painful approach to finding a financial solution when both partners are involved in a family business – and can also lessen impact on the company.

It sees a couple and their lawyers working together on problems face-to-face, with additional professional advisers such as accountants on hand when necessary. It aims to resolve matters amicably and without the case going to court.

Talking about the future of your business, and who will run it, in a calm and supportive atmosphere is infinitely preferable to the hostility and acrimony of a courtroom battle – and can protect enterprises by avoiding the distress and distraction that can derail a company.

About Peter

Peter Jones is one of the country’s leading and most sought-after divorce and family lawyers, and one of only four qualified arbitrators in Yorkshire.

A former Deputy District Judge for 15 years, he set up the first niche family law firm in the north of England in 1992 – Jones Myers – and has acted for a string of high-profile clients.

Renowned for his sympathetic approach, he is a former national chairman of Resolution (formerly the Solicitors Family Law Association) – an organisation of over 6,500 family lawyers who are committed to the constructive resolution of family disputes.

Leeds and Essex based Jones Myers, consistently top-rated Yorkshire family law firm by Chambers and the Legal 500 Legal Guides, has been one of the pioneers of collaborative family law – known as the ‘pain-free way to divorce’ – which advocates a more amicable, and often speedier, route to divorce, without resorting to the courts.

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Borderline Personality Disorder

Coping with Divorcing a Person with Borderline Personality Disorder

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Mediation and collaborative divorces have been referred to as “more friendly” with a goal to keep the door open to having a relationship post-divorce.

Some people who divorced individuals with personality disorders, felt safer in the court room with a judge presiding.

This is particularly true with spouses who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

People with BPD have a fear of abandonment which can become worse with divorce. They have poor and unstable interpersonal relationships. They tend to put someone up on a pedestal and revere them.

When that person does something not liked, they become bitterly despised. People are categorized as being wonderful or not worthy of their adoration.

Folks with BPD have overly intense emotions which fluctuate vastly. They are controlling and this includes controlling communication between people they know. BPD people are threatened by a partner’s success so criticize in order to tear them down in the belief it will keep them dependent and prevent abandonment (divorce).

Their impulsive behaviour – affairs, drug use, and alcoholism may be a factor in their partner wanting out of the relationship.

People with BPD have a sense of emptiness with a distorted self-image. When married, one may have tip-toed around them to avoid activating the BPD spouse’s intense anger. The departing spouse’s self-esteem may be low after spending time with this judgemental person.

Ways to get through divorce from a spouse with Borderline Personality Disorder include having clear boundaries. You can send a strong message that all communication goes to your solicitor and not to you.  Have consequences if boundaries are violated.

coping with divorcing Borderline Personality DisorderFollow through with consequences, such as blocking their calls and e-mails or changing your phone number. Instruct staff at work not to put those calls through to you or get a restraining order.

One has to get grounded when starting divorce. Get calm in order to stay focused, as the spouse with BPD will attempt to raise your anxiety.

Do not rise to the bait or react to their ploys. Let your barrister or solicitor be the filter that keeps manipulation away from you and deals with it impassively. They get in power struggles even over little issues, so do not get in a battle.

Several men I interviewed advised others to let the spouse with BPD feel that they are winning, by giving up more personal property and instead concentrate on the big ticket items. Turn over meticulous documents on finances, particularly showing what you owned before marriage, to keep emotion out of the dealings.

Spouses with Borderline Personality Disorder can bump up your legal costs by dragging out the divorce proceedings. They may refuse to hand over personal property that is deemed yours.

Some solicitors send a paralegal to oversee the actual packing up of their client’s personal property. This prevents any interactions of their client with the spouse with BPD. They may try to hang on to you by throwing a spanner in the works whenever possible such as by causing delays with submitting needed records. Leave emotion out and keep to your boundaries.

When there are children in the marriage, safeguards need to be put into place. Kids can be used as pawns to punish the spouse who is departing.

Careful documentation is helpful to show neglect, parental alienation or other parenting problems. There may be a formal custody evaluation performed with interviewing other adults in the kids’ lives to determine the percentage of shared care for each parent.

Post-divorce, keep records of communication from the parent with BPD. A person with BPD may be mandated to get therapy and can turn their lives around. People who put the effort into therapy can be good parents and marriage partners.

Divorce with spouses with Borderline Personality Disorder who are not in treatment, can a nightmare. Ask potential divorce professionals if they are experienced in dealing with this type of person and what type of divorce that they recommend.

The people I talked with had Clean Breaks with former partners with Borderline Personality Disorder and had no communication with them afterwards.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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men have feelings too
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Life after Divorce – Men Have Feelings Too

Published on
James Brown
James Brown – Founder and Creator Divorce The Talk Show

What really stops me right in my tracks is the unspoken word or thought that women get divorced and men seem to be the cause of it.

Well that’s not the whole truth, and nothing but the truth will ever make divorce a common thread that holds lives together.

A major misunderstanding that men don’t feel the pain of divorce, as women do, is silly and ill spoken.

Divorce is as hard on men, as it is on women and in many cases much more difficult.

In other words, men may be happier in their marriages than women and men may have more to lose in a divorce or breakup, in terms of health and happiness.

Indeed, divorce is associated with worse physical and mental health problems for men than for women (Robards 2012).  These negative health effects are not trivial—men are more likely to develop suicidal tendencies after a separation (Kolves 2010).

Women may experience some health benefits from breaking up. For example, when stable heterosexual couples are asked to sleep apart (not sharing the same bed or sleeping space), women’s quality of sleep is improved whereas men’s quality of sleep is reduced (Dittami et al 2007).

Remember we agree to the same concept of happily ever after, until death do us part.

Divorce means you lose, you lose something and sometimes everything and that is a life changer all by itself.  So my divorce comrades in arms stop. Stop choosing sides, stop making divorce a single thing because it’s not. That old saying that “it takes two to tango” has to resonate in your mind.

All of us must realize that we all experience the same things therefore we must all do something to make the after math of divorce a process of healing. Our goals must be unified, to save lives and save families.  I’ll tell you straight up that men do feel the pain.

I can’t begin to tell you how you will yearn to change your situation into something magical.

You will ask yourself, what can I do to stop time and make my mistakes disappear and get my life back?  Right or wrong you feel the sharpness of the knife’s blade cutting away at your heartstrings. The pain, the encounter, the distrust, that lives within you as you live with rejection and can’t do anything about it, well welcome to the real world of divorce.

men have feelings tooThis is where we do something about it. As in all things, if you get educated about what’s before you and go into divorce expecting the worst, the chances of it being worse than you expected, are about even.

I’m here to tell you that those sleepless nights will last for what we call a lifetime. You will think of some ungodly things to do to yourself, just a moment of control is all you crave, happiness, a brief smile on your face, a peaceful good night’s sleep, and laughter.

That bright feeling of relief that pours the life into a lost soul wishing it would arrive like a giant wave, that you can surf with pure joy, which brings life to a soul that is suffering.

Give me back my life you cry, give me back my life.  Ahh, what a refreshing thought.  Well it’s time to wake up and smell the poo, because you’ve got to get up, start pacing the room and determine that you are somebody, for a whole lot of reasons.

Most importantly for you, your kids, your family, and your friends. This world needs you. This world can be a better place because of you.

The breakup is over and it sucks. Separation or divorce is sometimes weeks, months, and even years in the making. So recognize that healing is much of the same path or process, but you can do it. It’s a challenge and it’s tough and often you will face loneliness. Suck it up and gather yourself, make an effort, because doing nothing ends up being nothing.

“Are you kidding me”, you say, I’ve been betrayed, I’ve lost everything and I sit here alone, a shattered piece, a lost soul, and I feel like poo. That’s hard to take.  It’s time to fight, not in a negative way, but to demonstrate that you can be a real person again. Step one, care about yourself, so that you can care about others.

Your process is simple rekindle your dreams. Put the gas back in the tank, hold your head up, smile, and put that swag back into your step, then say out loud “I’m back and I’m proud.”

Remember your emotions have been challenged and devastated. You have a lot of time vested in you and in your family. Your heart and your head have to make a commitment that can put the zest back into your life again.

Incentives yes, you have children and family who were hurt very badly and are still struggling sometimes, possibly years later. It’s tough — But that is a good reason to make life after divorce work.

Let’s think; it is not important as to how people perceive you it’s how you perceive yourself.  My friends, you exist because of who you really are and your own guiding light is what you convey to all, as they witness your recovery. Be the biggest thing in the room of life, be a strong man, lead your family to a safer place away from the shattered pieces of a divorced man, and don’t let your broken relationship ruin who you are and what you can be after divorce.

Guy’s (and even Gals), remember this is first about healing not about bills, lawyers, child support and spousal support. It’s about you. You’ve got to start thinking about what’s important to you versus what’s just an obligation. After divorce your responsibility is to you and thus to your family.

Treat Divorce as a contract of responsibility. Swear by those vows of responsibility, become healthy, happy, cope, hope, and heal. It’s a binding commitment that will make for a better life.

When we make it work, all this societal pressure will dissipate and now you must do the absolute, the right thing. I tell you that Divorce can be a GOOD thing. When you allow happiness back into your life and make it the process that heals you again. I am James Brown and this is Divorce The Talk Show.

About James

James, grew up in San Francisco, and has lived in Salt Lake City, for over 25 plus, and is a second time divorcee with 4 children. 

With his diverse background in television, both in front and behind the camera, Mr. Brown is the driving force behind the highly innovative production of Divorce The Talk Show; A New Beginning, a multi-platform production which is led by new media engagement using digital, mobile as well as the legacy media (television) platform to reach a growing number of people who have gone through a radical change in life via divorce.

Mr. Brown has a background that makes him unique and perfect to support effort to make change in divorce. He has been at the center of development in corporate recruiting programs including Discover Card which focused on youth and minorities; developed diverse training seminars for corporations; created programs that provided scholarships for deserving, disadvan­taged students as well as building one of the finest film and television production studios (Salt Lake Studios) in the western U.S.A.

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Moving Home after Divorce? Consider Hiring a Self-Hire Vehicle Instead Of A Moving Company

Published on
Steve Marshall
Steve Marshall
Founder Self-Move

Moving home is an exciting yet challenging time for many people. The prospect of moving, for some, opens new doors to new career and life opportunities but moving all your items to the new home isn’t so much.

While many tend to hire a moving company to complete the task, this can run into a large expense which you may not have the money for.

The other option you have is moving the items yourself. For those who are about to move home, here’s the advantages of hiring a self-hire moving vehicle to complete the move yourself.

Benefits Of Moving Your Own Items

Saves You Money

One of the biggest advantages of moving your own items in a hired vehicle is you can save a lot of money. Unfortunately moving companies tend to charge exorbitant amounts depending on how far you’re moving. Self-hire moving vehicles, on the other hand, can be hired out at a cheaper rate which won’t break the budget. This enables for you to have more money to spend on other areas of the move.

You Can Take Your Time

Moving your own items allows you to take your time. There’s no rush, stress, or time reframes to complete the move in like you would have with a moving company. If you want to take two days to complete the move, you can. Hiring a self-hire vehicle allows you to work on your time and not anyone else’s.

You Don’t Have To Worry About Things Getting Lost Or Stolen

In some cases, items can go missing or get stolen when hiring a moving company which isn’t as professional as you’d like them to be. Moving the items yourself, allows for you to monitor your possessions without the risk of them going missing or getting stolen. You know where your items are at all times during the move.

More Vehicle Options To Choose From

Self-hire vehicles offer multiple vehicle options to choose from which can give you additional room to pack your items. Moving vans allow for many items to be packed in a confined space, reducing the risk of items falling out.

Utes on the other hand are great for packing furniture which may be oddly shaped or larger than expected. Either way you get to choose the vehicle you want and that suits your needs.

You Pay For However Long You Have The Vehicle For

Unlike moving companies, self-hire vehicles allow you to pay only for the time you have hired them for. If you get the move completed early, you can return the vehicle and save on money. This is great for those who won’t be taking long to move house.

Conclusion

Moving home is something that many people are about to embark on worldwide. Whether you’re moving across town or to another city, the option of a self-hire vehicle is something that you can consider. As you can see self-hire vehicles provide people with many advantages during their move. So are you going to hire a self-moving vehicle?

About Steve Marshall

Steve is businessman, author, adventurer, Land Rover enthusiast, educator and public speaker.

Steve earned his Bachelor of Science degree from the University of New South Wales while training as a Maritime Officer in the Royal Australian Navy. Following on from his naval career, Steve was the physics teacher at The Scots School in Bathurst for 14 years. He was also a House Master, the Promotion and Development Officer, President of the Old Boys Association, plus a teacher of Maths, Science and Geography.

His passion for Land Rovers saw him buy a business that would help fund his Land Rover passion and give him the opportunity to travel while being his own boss. He chose Self Move which, in 1996, consisted of just two utes and 38 trailers available for hire at petrol stations.

Today Self Move Hire is a leading ute and van hire company spanning the nation. 

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