children of divorce - Page 7

There are loads of things children of divorce need and don’t need when going through divorce but I’ll name just three of the main ones in this post.

If parents are able to follow just these three then it’s very likely that all else will fall into place and hence any chances of long or short term negative effects of divorce on children maybe reduced.

They are not easy to follow and neither is raising children while going through the divorce process but we need to do what we can to make sure that our children’s divorce experience isn’t one that will stay with them for the rest of their lives.

This experience can be one that they are able to live through and remember it as something that happened not as something that is still going on in their adult lives.

When raising children of divorce they need to be excluded from all adult matters.  A dear friend of mine who works as a nurse in a primary school sees, first hand, the effects of divorce on children both in their behaviour and academic performance.

She has told the story of a boy who once spent most of the day in her office in tears and in self-isolation, as he waited to hear from his parents as to whether he was going to live with his mother or father.

He was only 7 years old and knew the ins and outs of the divorce process and all of the legal goings on between the parents.

Another mum explained how she was surprised when her daughter asked if “daddy had paid the money,” because she wanted to know if she will then be able to see him.

She hadn’t realised that her daughter was indeed paying great attention each time she said to her that daddy wasn’t paying her any money and so he didn’t deserve to spend time with her.

There are things that children don’t need to know.  They don’t need to be involved in adult matters.  Children of divorce need to be left to continue being children, as much as possible.  And only you as the parents can do this for them.

You are your child’s trustee and that responsibility goes a long, long way including when you are filled with resentment towards the other parent – that’s when your parenting capablities are truly tested.  Will you make the grade or are you the toxic parent?

The best gift you can give your child during and after the filing for divorce and the divorce process is over, is to get on with their other parent, for your child’s sake.

If you’re finding it hard to do, seek help, create a support system around you that can hold you up when things get rough.  It’s probably going to be a long, hard slog but I promise you,for your child’s sake, it will be worth it.

Soila

Part 2 – click here and Part 3 here 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

For part 1 (Raising Children of divorce – The need to be excluded from adult matters) and part 3 (Raising Children of divorce – The need both parents).

This is part 2 Raising Children of Divorce – Conflict Free Environment – where we talk about providing children of divorce with a conflict free environment.

Let’s keep it real though.  Even in “happy” homes there will be moments and times where disagreements will happen.  There will be occasions where parents will get into a proper heated argument that the children will not like hearing.  It happens.

Let’s also remember that if there was no conflict, however subtle or understated, then you most likely may still be together.

So conflict is indeed expected at some level but three things will determine just what effect it will have on your children – the frequency of the conflict, it’s intensity as well as how it’s resolved, I’m not talking resolved with the other parent in conflict but how it’s resolved with the children or in their eyes.

The first two points are self-explanatory I would assume, but let me explain the third.

Providing your child with an opportunity to talk about what happened between daddy and mummy equates with providing them with a chance to package their anxieties and worries and hand them over to someone else to deal with.  This then allows them to carry on, as best as possible, with their lives and feel that they are being taken care off.

If you are not able to carry their emotions then find someone who will; a family member, a friend of yours or a professional.  But do, do something for them.

If they are unable to talk or discuss what is going on or what happened, then being left with all the ensuing emotions, thoughts and beliefs inside them will only aid in enhancing their insecurities, sense of fear of it happening again.  They don’t have the maturity to manage a pack of negative emotions.  You do.

The best gift you can give your child during and after the filing for divorce and the divorce process is over, is to get on with their other parent, for your child’s sake.

If you’re finding it hard to do, seek help, create a support system around you that can hold you up when things get rough.  It’s probably going to be a long, hard slog but I promise you,for your child’s sake, it will be worth it.

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

This is the final part of a three part post.  Click here for part 1 (Raising Children of Divorce – Need to be excluded from divorce matters) and Part 2 (Children of divorce need a conflict free environment).

Finally, children of divorce need both parents, unless of course there are real issues around their safety and wellbeing, in which case, using a contact centre may be the best way forward.

The love that a child has for a parent, is truly inexplicable.  I say this because it was something that I saw over and over again when I worked as a child trauma therapist at Vicitm Support Lambeth.

There were children who came into my session room whose fathers or mothers had commited really horrific crimes against someone else or them directly but they, these children, in the safety of the therapy room, would say that they missed the parent, still loved them and wanted to see them.

They wouldn’t however say this to the other parent as they didn’t want to hurt them.  They would at times also say terrible things about the other parent to the resident parent, so as to show that they were on their side – just as children of divorce tend to do when their loyalties are split.

Young children don’t understand that their father or mother is a narcissit, not at first anyway, that will come with age, but you do and you can learn what to do when divorcing a narcissit or a sociopath.

So with this in mind, try and imagine, removing the other parent from your child’s life because you are angry, resentful and just feeling vindictive. How is your child supposed to deal with this change in circumstance or this internal vacant space left in their lives?

How are they supposed to go from loving daddy, (generally speaking) and seeing him everyday or every week to not seeing him at all?  Are you, as the mother, aware of what the repercussions of your act will be in your child’s life?  Do you truly understand the role a father plays in a child’s life?

When they turn around in later life and ask you, “Why did you keep me away from my mum/dad?” I wonder what the answer will be?

The best gift you can give your child during and after the filing for divorce and the divorce process is over, is to get on with their other parent, for your child’s sake.

If you’re finding it hard to do, seek help, create a support system around you that can hold you up when things get rough.  It’s probably going to be a long, hard slog but I promise you, for your child’s sake, it will be worth it.

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

Trust your gut instinct when negotiating shared care.  If supervised visitation is warranted – then speak up.

Your child’s safety is paramount, especially when there is a narcissistic parent who is focused on themselves.

An eminent psychologist told me that narcissism was the main personality disorder that needs supervised visitation.

Janice was in an acrimonious court battle over the custody of their five-year-old.  The father would attempt to get at Janice through their daughter, such as buying the five year old inappropriate clothing geared more towards the exotic dancer profession.

The judge was at wits end saying the case was more about “he said, she said” which made getting at the truth difficult. Janice insisted that there should be supervised visitation, but that was not heeded. She ran out of money midway through the proceedings and was assigned an inexperienced legal defender after her solicitor stepped down.

Janice also expressed her fear of having the girl around her father’s construction business.

Little Ellie was a victim of parental alienation and would tell her mum that dad said she was a liar. In a quiet moment when she, Ellie and the cat were cuddling, Janice said this is what safety and truth is. Feel it in your heart. When something does not feel this way, it is an untruth.

Parental alienation started to fade after Ellie learned this technique. She later told her mum that dad said something bad about her, but she knew it was not true since it did not feel right in her heart.

Ellie had a premonition of her death. She confided in an adult family friend that she would not be here much longer. Janice had bought Ellie a look-alike American Girl doll for Christmas. The daughter asked if that was so she would have something that looked like her after she was gone.

Although Ellie’s talk of death was disturbing, the mother had stopped asking about having supervised visitation. Soon after, the father accidentally ran over Ellie with a bulldozer on the construction site.

He refused to take responsibility for the girl’s fatality and told the distraught mother that Ellie “had committed suicide.”

He insisted upon an open casket funeral and demanded that the undertaker patch up the body parts.

Janice has this advice to share with others.

Be the squeaky wheel that gets results – keep demanding supervised visitation when the co-parent is a narcissist. Narcissists are so focused on themselves and projected image, that they often do not pay much attention to others in their vicinity.

Narcissistic parents parade kids around their job sites to play the good daddy/mummy role and then may lose interest in them.

Another example is of two boys who confided that they were dumped in the doctors’ lounge for hours after their father marched them around the hospital to garner accolades for being a great parent.

Not paying attention to his daughter’s whereabouts cost Ellie her life.

In other cases, the narcissistic parent’s inattention to their kids, resulted in a concussion, broken bones and stitches.

These parents were too busy being in the limelight to do adequate childcare.

Janice does not know if listening to her daughter’s premonition regarding her death would have saved her, but feels that supervised visitation would have done so. Pay attention to your intuition if something does not feel right.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.