children of divorce

Pets Help Children Get Through Divorce

Published on June 2, 2016December 11, 2017

Women and Divorce — Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Pets can play a big role in helping children get through their parents’ divorces.

While parents do give unconditional love, a pet is a more neutral family member who listens to complaints and confidences.

Children can pour out their problems to the cat or dog and not have to worry about adding an additional burden to their already stressed out parents. Various studies have indicated that being around a pet has health benefits, such as reducing stress and lowering cortisol.

There is ongoing research studying how pets boost the owner’s immune system. Divorce is a turbulent time for the whole family and helping kids to be less stressed is a plus.

Pets give their undivided attention and are fully present in the moment with the little humans. They can sit in silence and not need to fill a void with conversation.

I was with my sons, but rooting around records trying to find a specific financial statement or figuring out my average monthly expenditures to give our financial advisor during collaborative divorce. The cats fully focused on the boys, while my attention wavered.

A big, friendly orange cat got my youngest through our acrimonious divorce. He listened, and did not lecture. He purred instead of giving advice. A tuxedo feline listened to my older son. Cats and dogs do not criticise the other parent or burst into tears. Kids may require extra physical contact during divorce and pets are ready to give this type of support. Our cats cuddled the boys and stayed with them as they drifted off to dreamland every night.

Children get through divorce Pets help foster a sense of responsibility.

Kids are pushed around by adults and having to do pet care gets them grounded. Being responsible for someone else’s welfare and well-being gives meaning to their lives. Taking care of animals takes the focus off their own problems and puts it on to nurturing someone else. Being responsible for the cats was a welcome distraction from the chaotic atmosphere of our divorce.

Divorce dramatically alters the kids’ schedules and the routine of pet care gives constancy to their lives. It makes life more predictable when their world is topsy-turvy. The kids may get up in the morning, feed the animals, walk the dog or throw around a cat’s toy mouse. Then there is a routine for after school with the pets. Kids feel more settled when they know what to expect and have some routines.

Animals play a part in helping humans feel more connected to others.

There are resident cats in nursing homes who interact with the patients. Some libraries and schools have a program where struggling students read books to dogs.

The youngsters are more relaxed and the canines are non-judgemental. If you do not have a pet, let your kids spend time with your mum’s cat or your friend’s dog. These animals can be nurturing and be the recipient of hearing your children’s woes. Turtles, hamsters, fish and so forth can also be beneficial to kids with divorce.

Children may have a favourite stuffed animal friend who goes with them between the parental homes. Animals can enable the divorce process to be a little easier for the children.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certied in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

Her other book is The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce. Web site is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce/Divorce Videos and Interviews

Children and Divorce – Getting the Parenting Plan Right for your Child’s Sake

Published on April 13, 2016September 14, 2019

Parents often say that they will do anything for their children, yet when it comes to divorce, there are many who do the exact opposite.

If you and your ex-partner are struggling with your parenting plan, do contact me by emailing me soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk.

They fail to see how their actions and reactions affect their children. They increase chances of ther being negative effects of divorce on their children.

Helping children cope with divorce means providing them with a caring environment; one that will allow them to thrive between two homes.

Children of divorce need more than just roofs over their heads, they need attention, love and acknowledgment from their divorced or divorcing parents.

Children of Divorce/Your Divorce Stories

Divorce Story – The Music of Missing Me

Published on March 1, 2016November 10, 2018

My mouth is dry and my heart is thumping in my chest.

I know he feels the same way because I can feel his rapid heartbeat from two feet away. Jaw clenched as he is chews on his lower lip and his eyes are glazed off into the distance.

He wants me here for this, yet he has a protective barrier surrounding him demanding silence. In our silence we both remember. Two separate stories formed from the pain of missing one another.

I watch him take a deep breath as he prepares to confront his nerves and fears. He looks taller and sturdier in his shoes every time I see him. The sparkle of life has returned to his eyes after a long period of hibernation.

He grabbed his guitar with confidence and determination as he took the stage. I am filling my lungs with as much air as they can hold as I pull my shoulders back and try to follow the example has just been set for me. I hold my head up and stand tall as I walk to my seat.

His cheeks have a rosy glow, and I am the only one who knows this is a symptom of his nerves. Yet he holds himself steady while he takes focused control of his environment on the stage.

He appears remarkably calm compared to the way I am feeling with my tight chest bursting with emotions that desperately need to be released.

He is playing the guitar on a stage with a group of critical eyes examining his every move and assessing his technique. His fingers are moving with quick precision and skill acquired from the endless hours of practicing in his room alone.

His eyes begin to move into that magical land where true genius can emerge and masterpieces are made. He is allowing his soul and the music to dance opening the angelic door where miracles have permission to manifest.

The Music of Missing Me — He is playing Jimmy Hendrix like a true rock star

I can no longer hold back the tears, I don’t have a tissue, and I don’t care.

I can feel every minute of him playing and practicing in his room alone while he was missing me and wondering what happened to his family. He would bleed his pain into each strum of the strings and this is how he found a way to continue another day without me.

In every note and every chord the music of missing me fills the room with harmony. The judges tap their feet and nod their heads to the beat as the music gently touches their souls.

As he plays he is shedding his pain and is opening the door to receive love and joy in his heart once again.

He is playing Jimi Hendrix like a true rock star, he is playing with his heart and the joy of music fills the air. He has a gift, he is strong, and he is embracing this moment. He doesn’t know how good he is, but he has faced his fears and he has found a way to overcome his pain.

He is spectacular, and he is my son.

The guitar that held my sons pain has given him the miracle of beautiful music. It is the music of missing me.

There he stood before me Looking taller and stronger as he took the stage His cheeks tinted with a rosy glow A sign of nerves only I would know

The painful places that led to today Alone in his room he learned to play The chords and notes navigated his way Teaching him how to live without me one more day.

With every note a tear became a tune In his pain and loss, standing alone He is playing the music of missing me The harmony and medley Of what his family used to be.

The crowd tapped their feet In the space where genius and tragedy meet. A masterpiece is made As the pain of yesterday begins to fade.

His soul and music danced Giving a miracle a chance Opening the angelic door

To let go of what was before.

The music of missing me Danced on the stage for the judges to see Healing had finally begun. For myself and for my son.

This is the music of missing me. This is the song of me missing my son.

Lisa Boeck-Jenkins is a mother, photographer, artist,(BFA from the University of Utah),writer, speaker, and founder of an organization that works to bring awareness and assist victims of digital domestic abuse and cyber stalking.

She found herself when she lost everything and works to encourage and inspire others. She believes in the power of the story. Every story is a miracle that someone has been waiting to receive.

www.facebook.com/ssofamerica

www.soulsistersofamerica.wix.com/soulsistersofamerica

Children of Divorce/Divorce Videos and Interviews

Helping Children of Divorce cope with Divorce

Published on February 8, 2016December 11, 2017

Stacey Hart and Emma Cohn run a support program in London for children going through divorce.

In this interview Stacey talks to us about children and divorce explaining how divorced parents can help children in coping with divorce and what it takes for them to have a good enough life after divorce.

What is the impact of divorce on children?

Stacey explains that the main issue they found with children of divorce is a reaction that is very similar to the grieving process.

Dealing with divorce and the divorce process is like going through a bereavement; the shock, sadness, denial and angry about what has happened to them is very real. They are also frightened and experience some anxiety too.

What can parents to do help their children during and after the divorce process?

Be honest with the children and keep telling them that they are still loved
Remind that that the divorce wasn’t their fault
Stick to the boundaries that you had before
Provide them with as much support as possible
What parents can do to help
Have the same routine every week as this can play a role in helping lessen anxiety
Avoid heated conversations in front of the children
Try and make transitions between homes as smooth as possible
Avoid making promises that you cannot keep

Should children have a say in where they live?

Yes. They should have a voice. They should not have to make major decisions though but they need to be able to communicate to their parents what it is that they want.

Stacey Hart is an experienced counsellor who has been working with children, young people and adults for the last 10 years.

More recently she has been working in the field of child bereavement-facilitating, devising and delivering workshops.

Stacey is a member of the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists.

For more information about A Kids Space click here – akidspace.co.uk

Children of Divorce

School Children of Divorce – What they Have Told a School Nurse

Published on February 1, 2016November 11, 2018

Parents’ divorces and dating lives have spilled over into their children’s schools.

It does not matter who is right or who is wrong, when youngsters are drawn into adult matters.

When parents are out for revenge, the kids are affected by the divorce drama. Parents seem to assume that their offspring have told classmates of the divorce. Many have not.

Kids talk more in terms of activities – “I saw Star Wars with Dad” or “Mum took me ice skating” rather than “this is my week at Mum’s.” Classmates who see those parents (sometimes separately) at school have no clue they are not still married. It can be awkward when one parent starts bringing a date when they drop by school.

Public displays of parental affection often are embarrassing to kids. It is more mortifying when Mum smooches her new beau at school and some are not aware she is divorced.

Have a sense of decorum around the kid’s friends. One divorced mother happily announced at school that she was picking the kids up early so that they could accompany her and Tony for their weekend away in a nearby city. Her son cringed and looked at his shoes until they departed with his sister.

People will want to give you support during your divorce. They will inquire how things are with you. Either walk them outside of the school building before answering or say something vague.

Your child may not be within ear shot, but their classmates are around. Kids are gossips and will tell your youngster what they overheard. Please do not trash talk the other parent in front of your child. This happens at school, but there is no way the staff is going to take sides in that battle. Our job is to be of support to the students.

School Children of Divorce One mum said at school that she did not feel respected by her husband so was divorcing him in order to be a good example for her kids. I wondered how her children would know that she wanted “to be a good example” since personal information like that is not their business.

Parents are to state that they are separating without putting down their spouse. When feeling betrayed or angry, express those emotions to a friend or therapist.

Good communication between co-parents, school, and children is the key to making life smoother for the kids.

Make it clear that you each want a copy of reports and advise the staff of your family situation.

I did a vision test on a young student who was going to need glasses. I gave her a written recommendation for follow up with an eye doctor. She asked which parent was to receive it. I quickly made another copy for her. She then told me that her parents were separating. This uncomfortable moment could have been avoided if the parents had given us an update.

Another problem is when each parent assumes that the other one got needed items for a project. I had to call a divorced dad for a crying child who lacked something crucial for the science fair which was starting in one half hour. Do not assume that the co-parent got school supplies or specially needed materials.

Sometimes students are sent to my office because they are lethargic in class. When assessing them, I discover that one parent does not have a set bedtime for them and they were up late. Kids need routines, whether it is for meals or bedtimes. They cannot do well in school when their lives are so inconsistent from each home and getting sleep is not a priority.

A school kid getting caught up in the parent’s maelstrom can be deadly.

A child was stuck between two warring parents who were on their way to divorce.

One afternoon at school, their eleven year old reached a breaking point and threatened to kill himself. He was escorted to my office where I did an assessment and made an appointment for that day at the crisis centre. His stunned parents were summoned to pick him up and they signed a form promising to take him to that appointment.

Kids cannot live in a long-term angry, hostile environment.

The majority of students adjust to their parents’ divorces and going back and forth between homes. Co-parenting usually gets easier with time. I see divorced parents happily greeting each other in the school halls and doing a quick catch up regarding each other’s lives.

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certied in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

Divorce Law UK/Financial and Legal Advice

Are you Considering International Relocation after Divorce?

Published on January 31, 2016February 3, 2016

The following considerations are likely to be important in considering the vast majority of international relocation cases:

the motivation of the applicant parent, in particular whether her motivation is to disrupt the child’s relationship with the respondent parent;

the motivation of the respondent parent, in particular whether his motivation is to exert control over the applicant rather than having a focus on the child’s welfare;

the level of planning which the applicant has put into the proposals for relocation, bearing in mind that more planning can be expected when the application involves a leap into the unknown than when the parent is proposing to return to a place that she knows well;

conversely, the court will need to ask about the respondent’s alternative plan if he puts one forward, perhaps bearing in mind that he may have had rather less time than the applicant to think through his proposals, depending how quickly the case has developed;

the proposals that each parent puts forward for promoting the continued involvement of the other parent in the child’s life if their plan is accepted by the court, bearing in mind practicalities like cost and time for travel, together with factors relevant because of the child’s age (such as with you’re children whether they can fly unaccompanied, or with older children whether they are likely to want to spend all their holidays with their parent rather than with friends);

the child’s own wishes and feelings, which will naturally take on more importance as the child gets older, though bearing in mind that many children do not want to choose between their parents and may not want the burden of responsibility;

Dr Rob George is a leading expert on international family law, particularly in relation to relocation disputes, child abduction, jurisdiction, and international and domestic surrogacy cases. He has published numerous books and papers on these subjects, and been involved with many cases in related areas.

The new edition of his book, Relocation: A Practical Guide will be out in March.

Children of Divorce

How to Tell the Kids about Divorce

Published on January 19, 2016December 17, 2017

Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine — Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

How to tell the kids about divorce will firstly depend on their age. But the answer to the question whether you should tell them at all when they appear too young to understand is yes.

Do tell them, talk to them, even when you believe they will not get it.

Then over the next few weeks or even month, just keep an eye on your child to make sure that he is coping as well as possible.

If you see any changes in behaviour don’t be afraid to mention it to them. Remember some children won’t have the vocabulary nor the maturity to express themselves so they may need you to do it for them.

Tell her that you have noticed that she is finding it difficult to fall asleep ever since daddy moved out.

Acknowledging this is an easy and quick way to not only open the door for some conversation around the divorce, but will also most likely normalise his behaviour or feelings which in turn may help alleviate their concerns and worries.

If your children are at an age where they are likely to recall the moment you told about the divorce, then you need to keep this in mind and be ever more careful in the way that you handle it.

Please avoid putting the blame on either parent, even if it’s their fault in one way or the other. It may help you and make you feel vindicated and like the good parent but it really doesn’t help your child at all.

So here are some point on How to Tell the Kids about Divorce, each one is discussed further in the video below.

Choose the right time and place to tell them but avoid bedtimes or a couple of hours before bedtime. It would be best to tell them at a time of day where you can go on to spend the rest of the day with them so that they can ask questions if need be and begin to digest the news with you in the room or in the vicinity.

Choose a place that they’re familiar with e.g. at home. Avoid making it a special occasion or special new venue.

Don’t assume that the children know why you’re separating. Tell them why but avoid going into the nitty gritty details no matter what age. Remember you’re the parents, the adults in the room and it’s towards you that they will turn for comfort, care and as a container for their anxieties, fears and sadness. That’s why it’s absolutely crucial to look after yourself and get yourself a good support system.

Tell them together if at all possible. If not then let the other parent know when you are going to tell the kids about divorce. If you tell them without the other parent then let him/her know that you have told the children. This is not for your ex’s benefit but for your children.

Again, if possible, agree on what exactly you’re going to tell them. You will need, for their sake, to keep a united a front as much as possible. This just helps them feel more secure and taken care off as opposed to being fed different stories from each parent. This is very hard to do especially if you’re the one who has been left – but it’s not impossible.

Tell them it’s not their fault. There’s nothing they could have done to stop you both from beginning the divorce process just as there’s nothing they can do to fix it. This may need to be repeated several times over a long period of time for the younger ones who are still at the developmental stage of their lives where they see the world from an egocentric point of view.

Remind them that they are loved by both parents and the separation is not because of them. Sounds very cliched but you will be surprised how often this is not done and how parents assume that the children know this.

Acknowledge, verbally, the pain that they are going thorough. If you’ve experienced divorce yourself, tell them but at a later date when they will be able to hear what you’re saying. If you tell them at the same time as you’re telling them about your own divorce, it becomes about you. This is not the time. They will be much more receptive later.

Be honest with the children. Don’t give them false hope. If you’re not getting back together, let them know. Don’t make promises that you cannot keep. Better to say, “I don’t know. I don’t have an answer to that now,” than promise them that you will see them everyday when you know that won’t be possible. Be honest and as open as you can.

Don’t be be afraid of showing them that you are upset too, within reason of course, it gives them permission to be know that it’s ok to be upset. But please don’t allow them to become your carers, especially as you go through the divorce process or divorce proceedings. Don’t turn them into little adults that need to make sure that mummy is ok or that daddy has had dinner. It’s not their place to do that.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated online course – Parenting after Separation

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

photo credit: Sad via photopin (license)

Your Divorce Stories

What Leaving my Kids Meant and Did to Me!

Published on December 17, 2015November 11, 2018

I don’t know how many women leave a marriage and leave their children behind. I still don’t know how many openly talk about it to help and heal more.

I remember a comment Soila once made probably on a previous post of mine when she said she didn’t know many women would chose to leave their kids in that same ‘jail’ they were escaping from.

What I would admit even before proceeding, is the fact that guilt has a lot to do with ‘our shutting up’.

You see, society had long considered it more probable and even acceptable that the man should be the one leaving when a marriage sinks irretrievably. It was also and still is more probable and acceptable that the woman stays with the kids or in the ‘extreme or abnormal of divorces’, she leaves with her kids.

Well, a lot about me is unconventional and that is a whole book to be published soon.

Now, if I had money, if I knew what next, if I knew where next, or if I had a who next, I would have left with those I fondly call “The Real Men in my Life.”

But, I did not want to take all three back to my Mother’s. The eldest one, the one I brought to that marriage, could return to my mother’s but the other two were better off in the ‘jail’ I was escaping from.

It wasn’t a jail for them and to fast forward a bit, he even takes them on vacations now and buys them christmas gifts.

As I planned my escape, I talked with my men (in spite of their tender ages of 7, 5 and 2 as of when I left them in 2011), and painfully and tearfully explained to them what was at stake.

Yes it was and still is not easy. We miss each other so much, cry sometimes, laugh other times, write each other poems, emails, draw pictures and talk on the phone like once a week.

I still remember that famous May 26th when I packed them off to my Mother’s with letters already sealed for my parents and my ex.

Drawing from one of my sons after leaving my kids.

I wanted them to go stay there a while before their father came to collect his own because I wasn’t sure how often he would let even my mother see them once he knew I had ‘vanished’.

If he had been there when I sent them off, he would have noticed something was wrong. He would have noticed how many things I sent them off with and how many times I hugged each of them and took pictures.

Now, making and taking the decision to leave my kids behind, is to me the ultimate sacrifice. I have lost two other children but I got over those loses pretty quick. I had my first, lost a second, had a third, lost a fourth, then had a fifth so in between each lose there was ‘a spare and a quick, so to say, replacement’ that followed.

Therefore, you would understand that leaving my kids behind meant I was leaving my all behind. It took me six months to finally go after I had spoken with them. It took me eight months to even get to speak with them thereafter because their father wouldn’t let me speak to them nor let anyone give me their house number and all.

I would had no one to turn to and got no support from my family then because to them I was ‘literally lost in mind and body’.

Leaving my kids meant I was now on my own and for a moment, I believed that I could live just for me.

But no, leaving my kids, jolted me to further action.

Simply put, as Les Brown my primo motivational speaker puts it, I became ‘Armed and Dangerous’. I spared no opportunity I could to get out there and do better. I dared to get those jobs I so wanted no matter what.

Leaving my kids behind did so much for me in the sense that it tried my pain and hurt to the max. The tears in my eyes pushed me to maturity but eventually that well ran dry. It forced me loose any extra kilos left from my previous 115 kg self. Above all, as from that day, I stopped even thinking of ill health. A former patient like myself, who had already sort of abandoned the drives to the hospital, became one very healthy woman.

When I think of my kids, I know I don’t have any lame excuse to give not to sleep just four hours a day if that’s what it takes. When I think of my kids, which is 24/7 and all the seconds in there, I can go without food just so that one day they can come over and live with me and have the life l would have loved to have as a teen.

Yes, all I have now are the mails, some lucky skype calls with the one at my mother’s when she’s home like this morning or some poorly connected phone conversations when the weather is at its best either here or over there.

For the other other two, who remained with their father, it’s been two weeks since we spoke. I heard this morning that ‘David my Shephard’ (one of my children) was sick but that it wasn’t serious. Even if it were, what can I do?

I miss their events and I’m sure you can list all else that I’m missing. Hey, I am even sure some will be judging me good bad or ugly and wishing they could…

Afterall, I have been called a witch back home and at some point their dad told them I was dead.

I once read a blog where another woman tried to explain why she left her children and I was amazed at how many judges were in the single courtroom for a case they all knew nothing about.

Well, one other thing leaving my kids behind did to me, was to enforce this ‘spirit’ I have in me of ‘doing my thing’.

I am soon publishing my memoir and it was just approved by CreateSpace this morning.

That book thrills even me because it is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I keep saying I hope it helps and heals more than it hurts.

As for me, I probably left behind guilt, shame, self pity and that feeling of wanting to be ‘conventional’ or tow along in life, when I left my Kids behind.

Dear Reader of The Divorce Magazine, do you have similar experiences, comments or remarks you may want to share?

Marie Abanga

Twitter: @marieA2013

Feature photo credit: Sad via photopin (license)

Children of Divorce

6 Essential Steps to Helping Children Cope with Divorce

Published on October 29, 2015November 6, 2022

I have been working with children and families for over 12 years now specialising in the area of trauma, loss and bereavement and what I have found is that, what has happened is important, but what is even more crucial is how it’s handled.

When parents go through divorce, it can affect children in various ways depending very much on the process itself and the after care.

The divorce process is already hard enough, physically, emotionally and mentally. Parents will at times not be able to care for their little ones as they wish to because they are just not emotionally and mentally available or they may behave in a way that they believe is conducive to their child’s well being but in honest truth it’s only beneficial to them.

The most important things to remember when helping children cope with divorce are the following:

Get yourself some support. Put your own support system in place that will look after you by being objective as opposed to one that will fan the flames of your anger or negative emotions. Use the people you have chosen or who have offered you assistance to vent your emotions, look after the children while you rest or get on with whatever you need to do and who will even be happy to accompany you to various appointments e.g. your solicitor if need be. Don’t go it alone and please don’t be afraid to ask.

Pay attention to the questions your children ask about what has happened or what is happening. It’s easy to assume that they understand why the divorce is happening while in most cases they don’t really get it and this applies to teenagers too. So do answer their questions as best as possible and as honestly as possible.

Avoid making promises that you know are out of your control. For instance don’t promise that you and daddy or mummy will eventually get back together, that it’s just a temporary separation or that you will see them every weekend if you know that that has not been agreed to yet.

Create parenting plans that are appropriate for their age. A parenting plan created for a 3 year old is unlikely to work on a 10 year old. Also be prepared to adjust the plan as your child grows. In teenage years for instance, they will wish to spend more time with their friends than you and the family. That is absolutely developmental appropriate and expected.

If at all possible, trying using a family mediator or a Mackenzie friend to help you through the divorce process. They are not only much cheaper than going through solicitors and the courts, but, and more importantly, play a vital role in keeping you and your ex-partner focused on what needs to be done while making sure you don’t stray due to emotions running high. Creating a parenting plan and sorting out the finances can be done in only a few sessions.

Do let your child’s school know what is going on. You child spends a lot of his/her waking time at school so he/she will need looking after there as much as at home. Also school will let you know of any behavioural changes that they may have noticed since the divorce.

If you are concerned about your child’s experience and changes in behaviour, then do contact a professional who can help you continue parenting your child as you would like. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing this, on the contrary, it means that you are continuing to look after your child by getting you and him/her help so as to make them feel better.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

Children of Divorce

Nurturing Children after Divorce

Published on September 10, 2015November 11, 2018

Small gestures make a big difference to children with helping them adjust to divorce.

The overwhelming response from kids of divorce was routines make life more enjoyable. Their world is drastically changing and now they are dealing with loss. Divorce itself changes people’s schedules and turns lives upside down. A weekly routine puts constancy and lightness back into their environment.

Several boys mentioned getting an ice cream regularly with their parent brought predictability and gave them something to anticipate. This is easy enough to do with a youngster, perhaps every Friday after school nip into a shop on the way home for this luscious treat.

A little girl goes to a bakery and sips hot chocolate piled high with whipped cream, while she chats to mum about her week. Yes, she could say this at home, but this time is free from distraction and she gets undivided attention.

One boy said about once a month his mum took him to the cinema at the mall and they each got a slice of pizza.

What actions may seem trivial to you can mean a great deal to the child.

NURTURING CHILDREN AFTER DIVORCE — Several boys mentioned getting an ice cream regularly with their parent.

It is time spent with children rather than buying them trinkets and gadgets that is most important, as was explained by one boy. Memories of playing board games and picnics in the park got him through his parents’ acrimonious divorce, not more junk.

It can be tempting to try to make up for sadness that comes with divorce, by giving kids a bounty of material goods. What youngsters crave is your attention.

My son works in a restaurant and witnesses on a daily basis parents glued to their smartphones and totally ignoring the kids. Of course then kids act up for attention and get yelled at. Do not spoil these lovely routines with the little ones, by paying more attention to whomever you are texting then you do to them.

Once a month, my mother took me out to breakfast at a beautiful downtown hotel near my school. We feasted on freshly squeezed orange juice and other delectables while gazing out into their lovely garden. I cherished this kind act of my divorced mother.

Seems like most of the rituals that divorce families enjoy revolve around food. Some have weekly spaghetti nights or pizza in with a movie. Small, but much appreciated gestures to kids, are routinely watching boxed sets, such as “Breaking Bad.” It does not take up much time out of a busy schedule to do these little things with the children.

Some people do a yearly ritual, such as a long weekend at the seaside.

There are some great deals in the UK as well as on the continent. Others pick a particular time each year and go back home to visit family and friends. The kids enjoy this annual holiday and keeping in touch with others.

I used to take my sons to an amusement park yearly and knowing we would have this fun, made it easier to get through some visitation issues. My sons enjoyed going to a coffee shop on bank holidays when there was no school.

Ask your kids what they would enjoy on a regular basis. Divorce and the aftermath can be difficult and building scheduled fun into your lives is a big stress buster. Think of these treats and time spent together as a necessary way to improve family ties, well-being and health.

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ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce/Divorce News/Financial and Legal Advice

Family Solicitors, their Clients and Children of Divorce

Published on August 28, 2015August 28, 2015

Ben Lawson
Family Law Associate with Flint Bishop

I was prompted to write this brief article after reading an interesting piece by Sue Atkins on how to help your children deal with boy band One Direction splitting up.

Whilst I care little for One Direction’s decision to separate, it did make me think about the role of a Family Solicitor instructed following a marriage or relationship breakdown, and more so the importance of sound advice when there are children involved.

Whilst we must adhere to our client’s instructions, in such an emotive area of law, we must be able to assess and advise on the impact of separation on the client’s circumstances, but also the impact on their children.

Sue’s article made me think about how fragile a child’s emotions can be and how important it is to make sure they do not lose trust in their parents.

I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve heard clients berate their ex in the ‘heat of the moment’ or shortly after separation, when emotions are still high and the effects of the relationship breakdown are still being felt.

However, this makes the role of a Family Solicitor crucial, not only for our clients, but for the children.

As a member of Resolution (an organisation committed to a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family law matters), I subscribe to the Code of Guidance, which amongst other things, states that children matters should be kept separate from divorce/relationship breakdown and financial matters.

siblings and divorce — Our role as Family Solicitors is crucial, not only for our clients, but for the children.

This is hugely important, but we must bear in mind that our advice in relation to how a client should deal with the divorce or relationship breakdown, or what a fair financial settlement is, will inevitably impact the children.

For example, if a parent wishes to deal with separation in a bullying or confrontational way, this will obviously cause further tension between parents which may spill out in front of the children in an argument.

Will the child be affected by seeing their parents arguing; or hearing them blame each other for where they are or who caused the relationship to breakdown?

Finding an amicable and fair way through the myriad of issues created when parents separate is not easy but it is essential.

If, as Family Solicitors, we are not advising our clients to try and maintain at the very least a working parental relationship, the impact on the children may be felt both in the immediate aftermath of separation and throughout their lives; at birthday parties, school assemblies and graduations.

What will the impact be on a child if only one of their parents attends? Will this cause a child to lose some of their respect and trust for one or both of their parents? More importantly, is it a risk worth taking?

I am sure that you will agree that it is not a risk worth taking. For that reason, amongst others, it is incredibly important that we are able to offer honest and practical advice to clients, giving consideration not only to what our client wants, but also pointing out that what they decide will inevitably impact on their children.

The consequences of separation and how this is dealt with, however unintended, can have detrimental impacts on children ranging from low self-esteem, parental mistrust or alienation.

As a Family Solicitor, the impact on the children must be considered when giving legal advice.

The best advice that I can offer is to take a step back. We have all been guilty of making a rash decision when angry or annoyed and often regret it shortly after.

As a Family Solicitor, it is important to maintain a calm approach and look to resolve the matter without getting your client embroiled in arguments or issues, which can be avoided. Unfortunately, there may be no way of undoing the damage caused to a child’s relationship with their parent if you do not maintain such an approach.

If you have any further questions or wish to discuss anything in this article, please do not hesitate to contact me on 01332 226185.

Ben Lawson is a Family Law Associate Solicitor with Flint Bishop and chair of the Derby Junior Lawyers and an active member of the Derby and District Law Society Social Committee.

He is also a Resolution member and mentor students studying law at the University of Derby.

In 2015 Ben was nominated for ‘Family Law Young Solicitor of the Year’.

Children of Divorce