children of divorce - Page 8

Coping with Divorce and the Lessons Learned

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

I have been divorced for seven years and have learned a few lessons along the way.

When I first got divorced most things seemed monumental. I had to learn when to step back and when to charge ahead. I sometimes felt like I was in a fog and relied too much on others.

When visitation deteriorated post-divorce, I listened to my mum and other well-meaning people about just letting it go on as scheduled. Instead of filing a motion with the court to suspend it, my younger son was particularly traumatized by going to visitation a year longer than necessary.

He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which may have been less had I heeded his demand not to go anymore.

Neither son has contact with their father or his parents. The point is to listen to your gut feeling and push for a resolution to a problem sooner than later. One is vulnerable and is prone to put too much weight on other people’s opinions.

Instead of reacting, take a break from the situation to come up with a response.  Reactions are hot-headed and responding is taking in the facts and making an informed decision about what to do.

One does not have to make quick decisions in a panic, but can say, “Let me get back to you.”

This also applies to family members, work colleagues, or anyone who may try to enlist your time and energy when you are running on empty.

It is not only okay to run away, but even therapeutic.

Go to Cornwall or Brighton and enjoy the sea. Or go to more far-flung places to heal and rejuvenate yourself. Getting away from a stressful divorce situation was the balm to soothe our emotional wounds.

For my sons and I meandering down lanes in Palermo increased our bonding and feeling that we can get through anything.

My sons and I were allowed to go on an already-scheduled cruise during my divorce. The other passengers were fabulous and shared their getting through adversity stories. Walking through the souk in Tunis and

Our batteries were recharged during this journey.

I discovered how important family is during a crisis like divorce.

There was a month gap during my divorce before I could get some funds released to me and when I had to make a down payment on the house I was purchasing. My cousin provided the short-term loan of £13,200 so that I could close on my house before I received some divorce assets. I would have lost this sanctuary without my cousin’s kindness.

On the flip side, a well-to-do family member (not related to him), refused to do a short-term loan so that I could get my house. She stated that I did not know how to negotiate. You may be surprised by what family members come through for you and those that do not.

Divorce taught me to appreciate the smaller pleasures in life; hummingbirds hovering around my zinnias, a perfect latte, and the bliss of a pedicure.

When I was enduring a bad marriage, I was focused on survival, not bits of joy. Consider thinking of several things a day for which you are thankful. This helps to not take kindness for granted. Pay attention to what increases your happiness and plan these regularly into your schedule. Fun and laughter have health benefits and decrease my headaches. Meeting friends is a necessity and not an indulgence.

Divorce teaches assertiveness. I stand up to people whom I think are taking advantage of me or someone else.

When a former boss put a false allegation into my yearly review I went to the Human Resources Department to lodge a rebuttal. I sent the boss a polite note pointing out her error. I did get input from a few colleagues first, to make sure that I was on target and not overreacting.

When a garage botched a co-worker’s car repair, I called them and demanded that they fix it (they did).

Going through a divorce has increased my social and professional networks. At first the pool of friends shrinks, but then expands as we meet new people. Post-divorce is an adventure with many twists and turns.

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CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, and hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK.

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A Guide for Blended Families

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Step-parents and children can thrive in blended families with little understanding of the process.

Merging begins with the Courting Phase, just as with dating.

People are on their best behaviour, showing their good side and hiding their less stellar points. They may be more giving than usual, saying “I’ll take your glass to the sink, just sit there darling.”

Then comes the Honeymoon Phase.

The newly blended family is having extra fun, going to amusement parks and keeping occupied with other enjoyable pursuits. Life is one big holiday and individuals are getting along so well.

Then day to day reality sets in. Not only is the sink pointed out to the child, but so is the mop and dust cloth. Chores materialize and the honeymoon is over. Disenchantment can set in on both sides.

The children may become sulky when life is no longer all fun and games. The step-parent wonders what happened to the sweet kids and who are these opinionated brats?

How to make blending go smoother?

Be your authentic self at all times. Be warm and kind, but not bending over backwards to fulfil the children’s every whim. From day one, let them know that there is no maid service, so everyone takes their glasses to the sink.

You are not their best friend and let them warm up to you on their own time schedule. Do not attempt to bribe them with presents to win them over. Even if they never come around completely, insist upon respect and good manners, not love. Let them know you are there for them, whenever they want help.

blended families www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
The newly blended family is having extra fun and keeping occupied with other enjoyable pursuits

Realize that people are on their best behaviour during the Courting Phase, so do not be blindsided when reality sets in. Children can be great, but have to let off steam. Do not take it personally when it happens.

Some of my friends have talked about their own step-mothers to their new step-children. They emphasize what great family friends they are and how they fill a special supportive role.

As a biological parent, consider having regular family meetings to air concerns and set up a rota for chores.

My step-mother gave me chores to do when I came over on the weekends and this helped me to feel a part of her family. I felt like I did my share and was not a guest.

Give expected behaviour guidelines, such as treating everyone with respect. Ask kids what special treats and fun they would like, but be clear that you are not getting a bank loan to do expensive activities every weekend. It was the little things that I enjoyed most with my step-mum, such as making paper dolls or baking brownies.

One step-dad was great at helping his step-son maintain his clunker of a car. It is the experiences that are so meaningful to step-kids.

Expect bumps in the road. Life may be going smoothly, then there is chaos. This can be a result of children turning into teens or other issues. The key is communication. Attempt to discuss what is going on. If things become more difficult, consider a session or two with a divorce coach to get everyone back on track. One may discover that there are issues with the other parent or difficulties at school.

With time, blended families grow to love, or at least like each other. It was wonderful for me to gain an instant extended family, since I am an only child. It helps when the biological parent is supportive of the new step-parent, as my mother was of my step-mum.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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Children Need Both Parents

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I won’t say much about this video as it truly speaks for itself.

Children need both parents and here’s why:

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Hidden Effects of Domestic Violence on Children

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Children may not be direct targets of abuse, however they can suffer the effects of it just the same.

Parents may not realize their verbal vitriol is like a slap on the face to kids.

In one case a boy was being seen by special services in school because he could not hold it together. When something happened at school it was enough to tip him over the edge, triggering tears or an outburst.

Turned out that his parents were yelling at each other most evenings and this lad would retreat to his room to read.

When asked, he revealed that his older brother put on head phones and played video games. The parent’s verbal abuse to each other impacted their sons’ stress levels and schooling.

Trauma through physical or sexual abuse may be a onetime event like rape, or prolonged repeated acts. Children may be threatened or coerced into cooperating with the abuser. The abuse is overwhelming and violates the child’s sense of security.

Ongoing abuse can develop into Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Children can have flashbacks, nightmares and are hypersensitive to triggers which remind them of the initial abuse.

Effects of Domestic Violence

Caleb was molested from age seven to eleven and had suppressed these memories until a year after his parents’ divorce.

His therapist had to intervene to stop visitations until they could be supervised or terminated. An authoritarian teacher reminded Caleb of his father and he became belligerent. Caleb had to improve his low marks and classroom behavior. Therapy has greatly helped Caleb to learn strategies in dealing with his PTSD and its triggers.

Caleb developed asthma around age seven at the onset of sexual abuse and this is a red flag for sexual or physical abuse.

Young children who cannot talk or older ones who are afraid, can manifest their stress physically as in bed-wetting or developing asthma.

Effects of Domestic Violence on children www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
The effects of abuse can last the child’s entire life.

Dr. Robyn T. Cohen and other researchers from Brigham and Women’s Hospital and from Harvard stated “Our findings highlight the importance of screening for asthma among victims of childhood abuse and to be aware of the possibility of physical or sexual abuse among children with asthma.”

In some cases a child may repeat the abuse that was done to her.

A single mother adopted a girl at age four and things went well. They bonded and developed a great relationship. Then the mother wanted to adopt two more children so she began the process by fostering. These two kids had pinch marks and scratches and an investigation commenced.

The adopted girl said the foster children were doing it to themselves but it was eventually determined that the daughter was hurting the other two children because she had been physically abused in her birth home. She did not want anyone else encroaching on her territory so lashed out in a physical manner.

The adoption of the other kids was denied. The original adopted daughter was left in the home and life went back to the way it was. As long as no other children were in the picture, things were okay.

Sometimes people mistakenly stay in a marriage “for the sake of the children.” Think carefully about this as kids pick up more than is expected and can repeat toxic patterns in their lives. The effects of abuse can last the child’s entire life.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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families going through divorce

Divorced Dads and Absent Fathers – Part II

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Susan Leigh www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

Click here for Part I of Susan’s article on Divorced Dads and Absent Fathers.

  •  Deciding to tell the children together enables the children to see their parents being respectful, behaving in a fair and reasonable way, trying to stay civil and manage the transition as well as possible.

It allows an opportunity to show that they’re co-operating, providing time to answer questions, presenting a united front.

It’s important for children to see that this was a joint decision, not a matter of Dad deciding to walk away and leave them. Personal issues between parents can be minimised at this time to avoid one parent being perceived by the children in a bad light. Children rarely need to be apprised of too much detail about the split.

  • Provide stability and routine and let children know how they will be affected by any changes to their living arrangements. If possible try to keep their routine as familiar as possible as children like to feel secure and settled.

Grandparents may be able to help if they have the time and patience to add extra support, good listening skills and a safe pair of hands. Inform teachers so that they can be attentive to any changes in the children’s behaviour and provide extra understanding and support if necessary.

  • absent fathers www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukChildren need to be reassured that they are loved and will be able to see their father regularly, will be able to communicate by phone or email whenever they want or need. Hopefully father will continue to live in the vicinity, otherwise seeing the children for a quick visit, taking them to school or attending parents evenings can prove difficult.
  • New partners can be a difficult area for ex-partners and for children.

Be sensitive to the children if there is a new girlfriend on the scene. Some men choose to live on their own for a while after the divorce to give their children time to settle and become accustomed to the new domestic arrangements.

It’s best to tentatively introduce the idea of a girlfriend to the children, letting them see her occasionally, for short periods until they get used to the idea.

Children are not stupid, they often understand far more than they admit, but being respectful of them and equally demonstrating respect for their mother allows children to become more accepting of everyone’s need to move on.

Divorce is often a time of huge disruption for children.

Over time they get used to tension between their parents, come to accept arguments as normal but this in no way means that it’s ok for them.

When parents decide to divorce it is important for them to be sensitive to their children’s needs and help them come to terms with the situation.

Take time to listen to what they say, how they behave and appreciate the impact that enforced changes and upheaval have upon their young lives.

About Susan Leigh

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Divorced Dads

Divorced Dads and Absent Fathers – Part I

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

These days we find that many children are being raised in single parent households or in households where the father figure is not their birth parent.

No matter how sensitive and understanding the step father may be, it can still be difficult for children; questioning how or why their father had to leave them and the family home, maybe worrying that they were somehow responsible.

Divorced Dads – Children may have several concerns at this time:

  • He wants to live his own life and forget about us.  Children may feel hurt and angry, be concerned that they became too much of a burden for their dad to continue supporting them.

They often need reassurance that they were not responsible for the decision for him to leave. They need to know that it was their parent’s relationship that failed, that     it was their parent’s decision to end the arguing, bad atmosphere, indifferent or destructive relationship. Even so children may question their father’s loyalty and   think that he is being selfish in leaving them.

  • Children tend to take things personally and can feel rejected and unloved as a consequence of their father leaving.

They may suspect that there was something about them, their behaviour, a flaw of some kind that prompted their father to decide that he couldn’t stay. Surely if they had been lovable enough he would have stayed, he wouldn’t have been able to bring himself to leave. They may even suspect that he was relieved to go, that he didn’t care enough to stay or that they were especially difficult or unworthy of him remaining.

  • Some children feel distressed that they weren’t asked where they would like to live, weren’t included in the arrangements about their lives.

It is often assumed that children will live with their mother, it’s often the more practical of options, but some children   have a better relationship with their father and would choose to live with him if they were allowed. Children may feel excluded, confused at what’s happening and may not fully understand or appreciate the reasoning behind certain decisions.

  • He prefers to be with someone else. Discovering that their father has another relationship can be difficult for children, especially if that woman has children of her own who live with her/them. They may feel that he prefers to be with his ‘new’ children, they’re a part of his new life. They may feel relegated to his old life, the life he has chosen to walk away from.

Click here for Part II 

About Susan Leigh

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Parental Alienation Success Stories

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Linda and Dad - courtesy of Linda Gottlieb

I came across this wonderful piece by Linda Gottlieb while browsing the internet.  I was so touched by it because I know a few of my own friends who are still living through this period of parental alienation.

They long for the day that they will be able to do something as simple as help their children with homework.

I’m sure there are many other parental alienation success stories and I will keep looking for them so that we can share them with you.

– Soila

To My Daddy

July 18, 2012 (Happy Birthday, Dad!)

So, Daddy, on your 92nd birthday, let us celebrate it by my telling all my Facebook friends how we reconnected.

I came to live with you in the Bronx after graduating Teaneck high School, New Jersey, in order to attend college at CCNY, which required New York City residency and was the only college plan available to me.

I moved in with you feeling great anxiety because I had been brainwashed to hate you.

I can remember that feeling as if it were yesterday. But I also remember that the hatred evaporated virtually overnight when you enveloped me with your love, your passion, your commitment, and your support.

Because of the PAS, my concentration and focus had unquestionably been compromised on my studies throughout middle school and high school.

As a result, my cognitive (and emotional) abilities were underdeveloped. Quite frankly, I do not know how I had been accepted into CCNY. But, Daddy, you quickly compensated for those deficits. You became my freshman tutor, and I believe we negotiated my freshman coursework together!

You inspired me, encouraged me, tweaked some of my work here and there, and refused to accept my insecurities.

Linda and her dad - www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Linda and her dad – courtesy of Linda Gottlieb

What I particularly remember, as if it had also occurred yesterday, was my freshman English 101 class: for the first assignment, I had to write a composition about what I hoped to gain from the class.

You wrote the last sentence of that composition (the statue of limitations on cheating for that course has long passed!) as follows:

“Dear Professor, my goal for this class is therefore to avoid meeting you on the battlefield of the split infinitive, dangling participle, and misplaced modifier.”

I did not have the foggiest idea what those concepts meant! But in your infinite wisdom, Daddy, you recognized that it was imperative to teach me the meanings as you were sure my professor would question me about it.

And that is exactly what happened: he returned the composition stating that he had had a good chuckle upon reading it, and then stated that the class deserved to appreciate and chuckle about the composition as well.

He directed me to read the paper allowed to my classmates and then explain the meaning of the closing sentence.

Daddy, you became so enthusiastically supportive of my education in my freshman, that when I expected receipt of a grade on a paper, you would greet me at the front door upon my returning home, and you would ask me, “What did WE get?”

I would trade a year off my life for just one more composition to write together. I love you more today than yesterday. Happy Birthday, your appreciative daughter, Linda.

If you would like to know more about Linda please do visit her website  – www.endparentalalienation.com

Click on the link below to get Linda’s book from Amazon

linda gottlieb -Book Cover

www.amazon.co.uk/Parental-Alienation-Syndrome-Collaborative-Amelioration/

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What is Parental Alienation?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

What is Parental Alienation?

Let me tell you a story about someone I know personally.

He is a good dad, separated from his wife but sees his son as often as possible or when mum permits it.

His son, let’s call him Sammy, is now 10 years old.  His parents separated when he was a toddler.

Sammy has never had a sleep over at his dad’s who lives less than an hour away and they have never been on holiday together. Mum always tags along.

She, however, can go on holiday without as much of a word to my friend and explain to Sammy that “Daddy said he doesn’t want to come.”

Since the separation, my friend  he has been painted as the disciplinarian, the mean one, the one who is capable of abducting him.

When he is called over to fix the computer or put up shelves etc, my friend will rush over because he knows he will get to see his son.

It’s the comments from mum, while he is there, that really get to him.  “Daddy does try to fix things but he really isn’t that good is he Sammy?”

“Look, daddy’s late again.  He is always late.  When will you make it on time just so that your son doesn’t have to be kept waiting?”

My friend receives calls from his ex-wife when their son  misbehaves and needs to be disciplined.

He only gets to see his son when mum says it’s ok and for only a few hours because she is convinced and has managed to convince Sammy too, that my friend will abduct him.

She has even given her son skills on “how to get away from daddy  incase he tries to take you away by force” and warned him against making daddy angry because he can get really mad!

My friend rarely knows what’s happening at school in terms of performances, sports days etc which means he is usually unable to attend.  –  “Daddy was busy.”

My friend has now taken to speaking with the school directly to get the information for himself.

On and on goes the “brainwashing” so it was no wonder that for the longest time Sammy  very rarely looked forward to seeing daddy and spending anytime with him. Most of the time he would insist that mummy comes too – obviously as a means for him to feel safe.

Interesting thing is that, Sammy is now able to voice his feelings and ask questions that are bugging him.  With the answers he is getting, the picture that his mother has painted for him all this time is beginning to look a little dubious and questionable.

Sammy is growing up.

How will his mother explain her actions and words to him.  She interfered with their relationship and created a monster in Sammy’s eyes.

Before long, he will realise just what type of person she really is.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Parental Alienation and You

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Another one of Dr Phil’s videos here and this one is about parental alienation and you as the parent.  It’s short but gets to the point.

What is the gift that you are giving your children today?

Strong powerful words from Dr Phil on Parental alienation and you and how you can deal with it.

Some of the questions he asks include:

  • Do you want to be angry or do you want to be successful?
  • What can you do so that your children can go to their birthday party and both mum and dad are there and they aren’t looking from left to right waiting for something to happen?
  • When does it get to be their birthday and they don’t have to worry about your crap?
  • When does it get to be Christmas and they don’t have to worry about your drama?

What is Parental Alienation Syndrome?

The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is the systematic denigration by one parent by the other with the intent of alienating the child against the other parent. The purpose of the alienation is usually to gain or retain custody without the involvement of the father. The alienation usually extends to the father’s family and friends as well. 

www.coeffic.demon.co.uk

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the importance of grandparents

The Importance of Grandparents

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

Grandparents are increasingly appreciated for the vital role they are able to play in the raising and support of their grandchildren. As the number of single-parent families increases grandparents are often called upon to help with finances, childcare and perhaps even provide a home for a time.

Grandparents are often uniquely placed to play a vital role in the family.

Let’s look at the importance of grandparents:

– They can provide a calm approach, given that there are few things they’re unlikely to have not seen before.

Having one’s first child is often a daunting experience, causing fear, concern, apprehension at the enormity of the responsibility that’s being shouldered. At the same time many parents continue to work, sometimes for long hours which result in them coming home guilty, stressed, over-tired and frustrated at the demands of their situation.

Grandparents are often happy to be in a position where they can offer support to their children and grandchildren. They may regard it as an opportunity to remedy mistakes they made with their own children, look forward to being able to spend quality time with their grandchildren and have another chance, a chance to do a better job this time.

– Grandparents can introduce a different perspective into parenting.

Parents may be focussed on giving their children what they see to be the best possible start in life, regardless of each child’s particular skills, aptitudes and interests. They often want them to have the best education, upbringing, connections and opportunities.

They may be prepared to over-commit themselves financially, working long hours to pay the bills, when the child may be better-suited to a less academic environment, surrounded by a loving family with whom they spend quality time.

Grandparents can often see the picture from both points of view. They may be in a position where they can influence decisions to support what’s best for the individual child, looking to nurture their future happiness and wellbeing.

– They can provide stability.

Parents often have to work and an increasing number of families consist of a single parent where the other has visitation rights.

In other families there may be step-parents and step or half brothers and sisters. A grandparent may be the reliable, consistent figure who acts as a go-between or mediator between parents and/or children.

They may provide a ready ear, dispense wisdom and advice and offer a calm, welcoming haven whenever required.Time and patience are often their biggest assets. Parents often find that they are stressed and pushed for time. Grandparents are often able and willing to bridge that gap and provide stability.

the Importance of Grandparents www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Grandparents are often uniquely placed to play a vital role in the family.

– The calm presence of a grandparent can offer reassurance to both adult children and grandchildren.

Knowing someone older and wiser is on their side can give a feeling of security, along with wisdom, experience and a levelling influence. A lifetime’s experience can bring a balanced perspective into situations and because they are often not directly involved in their children’s family matters, they can nevertheless bring authority and insight, tempered by love and concern as they help to arbitrate and resolve matters.

– A connection to the past is often important to young children.

They are fascinated with stories of the ‘olden days’, the days when their grandparents were the age they are now.

Photographs, mementoes and anecdotes are often relished and grandparents are often happy to repeat their stories to an enthusiastic audience. Children enjoy discovering about their past, enjoy the feeling of continuity and belonging, learning about their heritage. Grandparents are often more than happy to share these stories.

Grandparents are more important than ever in many families. As many families split up, become fractured with new partners and siblings, perhaps move home, grandparents are able to provide some sense of balance and reassurance. They can provide security, familiarity and a sense of belonging. Families need grandparents. They are often an important stabilising influence.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

T: 0161 928 7880
E: susan@lifestyletherapy.net 

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Parental Alienation Stories

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According to Wikipedia:

Parental alienation is a social dynamic when a child expresses unjustified hatred or unreasonably strong dislike of one parent, making access by the rejected parent difficult or impossible. These feelings may be influenced by negative comments by the other parent or grandparents, generally occurring due to divorce or separation. 

Parental Alienation www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Marie Abanga

The above definition makes my tale of parental alienation (at least in my own context), all the more interesting. My parents are divorced and, like a river that flows into an ocean, their divorce flew into the ocean of my life leading to my own divorce and ‘alienation’?

My personal parental alienation stories.

I was maybe 12/13 when my parents divorced but I had seen it coming despite their efforts in trying to hide their sustained disaccord.

When it happened, although I had heard of stories where mostly the Fathers alienated the Kids from their mothers, I did not expect my own father (who to me was a ‘refined’ man), to try keeping us away from our mum. It was simply terrible.

The more he made negative comments, corroborated by his ‘friends and family’, the more we longed for our mum.  I knew what he was trying to do and he did not care to see what it was actually doing to us.

Parental Alienation to me at the time simply meant daddy did not want us to see our mother. I was so hurt and I could understand why at some point my mother stopped trying to come by our house. It was so sad to see her insulted as she stood for hours in front of the gate while we were locked up in our rooms.

She wasn’t any danger to us, and I told my siblings we could not hate our mother no matter how our father tried. Yes, he got custody in court thanks to his money and power back at the time, and refused to respect the limited visitation rights accorded her.

Through sheer determination and continued demands from my siblings and I,  we eventually went to live with our mother again.  It was easier for my two sisters because the first was an adult and she just upped and left one day.  My kid sister was “saved” by ill health.   She was so unwell that the doctors advised she live with our mother. It is probably the trauma of that in between period and much more that followed that affects my brother and I so much that we each suffer from some form of ‘mental illness’ or the other.

My Self Alienation or what?

History would repeat itself in my own marriage.

brother and sister - parental alienation www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Who, in the end, is the victim of parental alienation?

Yes, I think I was just as abused as my mother  and at first found solace in other men.

When after six years I couldn’t take it anymore, I made the decision to leave that marriage and my children behind. Just like my mother did, after all neither one of us had any resources when we left. I could thus say I alienated myself from my children, right?

But did that mean I didn’t want to be the mother to those boys again? Hell no!

Yet it wasn’t to easy and still isn’t. I remember staying for 8 good months without being able to talk to my sons because their father and his family wouldn’t let me. Even when I went to their home and tried, they had moved house and my family, who had kept some contact with them, would help me trace them.

Eventually I got to meet my boys.  I keep comparing this reunion to Princess Diana’s  with her boys aboard the royal Britannia. Indeed, the eldest told me some of the nasty things his dad and family were feeding them about me and he even told me he would still love his mum even if any of those things were true.

My ex-husband’s pursuit of parental alienation.

I think his sustained effort in alienating me from my children stems from some ego problem and the desire for  revenge or whatever.  I can only see my boys when my ex-husband allows it and since disconnecting the landline, I call only reach them via him or his sister and success will depend on their being at home and their mood in general.

Even though the marriage has been dissolved, and I have the right to see my boys during the holidays, as l wrote on a post on divorce and property my African reflections, nothing is done to a man who ignores any so called divorce order. It’s so funny and sad because I am not even in the same country as my kids but I’m going over this weekend and I still have not been able to get hold of their father so as to communicate my schedule. He doesn’t answer his calls and seems to have shut down his email and facebook accounts.

Who, in the end, is the victim of parental alienation?

I am thinking that except in cases of great danger to the child concerned because of the other parent’s addiction and all, the real victim of parental alienation is that same child who is brainwashed to dislike the other. I know the story of a child who was been brainwashed to dislike his mother and even beat her up, who suffered a nervous break down and ended up killing that same father of his.

Dear readers, as always, I share my reflections drawn from my experience and hope it enlightens, helps and dare I say heal someone somewhere?

Marie Abanga – Follow Marie on Twitter

Author of My Unconventional Loves: My Hurts, My Adulteries, My Redemption

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How to Keep a Relationship – John Gottman

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How to Keep a Relationship with John Gottman

Brilliant talk by Dr Gottman – the man who can predict within 3 mins of watching a couple in a conflict discussion, he can predict 96% accuracy how the conversation will go and whether a couple will get divorced or not, how happy they’ll be.

He talks about how to keep a relationship by changing how you deal with conflict and what really is the cornerstone of a good relationship.

I think you will be surprised by most of the things you hear here.

What are the factors that contribute to the demise of a relationship?

Listen to this talk, broken down in four parts, and just try and see what it is that you may do in your own relationship.

If you have contempt in your relationship, you really need to listen to this!

What he talks about:

  • Relationships that stay together but remain unhappy? “People who stay together and are unhappy, eventually lead parallel lives.”
  • What about respect, where does it come in?
  • What is the one thing, the one ingredient that is important in making a relationship work?  You will be surprised by the answer you get.
  • Honouring the role of fathers.  “What is the secret of keeping dads involved with babies is to have low conflict with mum and more intimacy with her”

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