children of divorce - Page 5

The Pros and Cons of Nesting
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The Pros and Cons of Nesting

Published on
Connie Atkinson
Connie Atkinson
Partner
Kingsley Napley
Rachel Freeman
Rachel Freeman
Partner
Kingsley Napley

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The recent news that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his wife Sophie are separating after 18 years of marriage hit the headlines not only because they are a high profile couple on the political world stage but because they intend to opt for a nesting pattern of co-parenting their three children from here on – an approach which is also growing in popularity on this side of the pond. In this article Kingsley Napley Family Law partners Connie Atkinson and Rachel Freeman explore the pros and cons of nesting arrangements for separating couples.

What is a nesting arrangement?

It is an arrangement which sees children remain in the family home while the parents take it in turns to leave and live elsewhere for short periods. A second, usually smaller, property is rented or purchased and each parent stays there when they are not in the family home with the children.  In some families, where finances permit, each parent has their own separate property where they live when they are not in the family home.

What are the pros for children?

In the right circumstances, birdnesting gives children and parents time to adjust to a separation without significant changes being imposed immediately. Children often crave stability when parents decide to split and being able to remain in their home while navigating their feelings around their parents’ separation can be helpful.

If children remain in the family home, they can maintain their routines and local friendships and remain at the same school, clubs and activities.  Children avoid having to shuttle between two homes and retain the familiar and safe space in their bedroom with all their belongings in one place.

What are the cons for children?

In reality birdnesting is only likely to work for a small number of families and in many cases only for a short period of time. Children need to adjust to the reality of their parents’ separation which includes a new home and bedroom with the other parent. In some cases the former family home is going to be sold at some point and so there will be a change of environment for children in any event. If birdnesting is attempted in unsuitable cases, it can risk creating (or sustaining) a toxic environment for children in what is supposed to be their safe space.

What are the pros for parents?

In the right circumstances birdnesting gives parents time to adjust to the separation too and avoid the need for numerous moves before buying a new home. It can also help remove the pressure of agreeing arrangements for the children immediately upon separation.

Parents might feel strongly about minimising disruption to their children, particularly if they themselves have unhappy memories of moving between two homes on divorce in their youth.

Birdnesting can save costs, avoiding the need, for example, to buy two sets of bedroom furniture, clothes, toys and books.  It might offer a solution where the parents cannot afford two family homes upon divorce; with a nesting arrangement they only need one home big enough for a parent and the children and the other property can be much smaller.

What are the cons for parents?

In reality, birdnesting is unlikely to work long term. People move on at different paces following separation and it is not unusual for the parents’ views and priorities to take different directions as time moves on, which can make birdnesting more difficult. Birdnesting also becomes much more difficult if new partners are involved or when the separated spouses find a new relationship.

A downside of birdnesting is that it does not allow parents to move on and live independent lives. This is relevant in the context of the court’s usual approach on divorce which is to achieve a clean break between the parties where possible. Birdnesting means still running one, or even two, households together with all the costs, bills, food, cleaning, chores, maintenance and other admin that that entails. There are likely to be constant reminders of a former partner, seeing their belongings around or evidence of their daily routine and habits. Depending on the size of the property, parents might also have to use the same bedroom and bathroom as their former partner which can feel uncomfortable.

Birdnesting requires a lot of communication and organisation, particularly at the beginning when emotions can be very raw.

What practical tips might help to make nesting work?

  • Explore whether birdnesting will work by discussing your intentions and the practicalities in an appropriate forum such as mediation.
  • Parents need to have maintained a positive relationship on separation and be good at communicating with one another.
  • Agree a set of household rules and responsibilities, including how to deal with food shopping, bills, repairs, and who else can be in the home.
  • Have regular meetings to consider what is working well with the nesting arrangement and whether anything needs to be changed.
  • Employ a cleaner, especially for handover days.
  • Consider how personal belongings and communications will be dealt with to ensure each parent can maintain some privacy.

According to recent research by Coop Legal Services some 11% of divorced or separated parents in the UK have tried birdnesting and in the current economic climate it may well appeal to more separating couples, to avoid the costs of running two homes large enough for the children or if the family home cannot be sold.  Every family is different and the family’s individual circumstances and dynamics will dictate whether birdnesting works for the parents and their children and for the long or short term.

Read more articles by Kingsley Napley Family Law here.

About Connie Atkinson and Rachel Freeman

Connie is a Partner in the family team and has experience of dealing with all aspects of private family work relating to both finances and children. She is recognised as a Rising Star Legal 500 UK for Family: Mediation and ranked in Chambers UK as up and coming in Family/Matrimonial. Connie also won family lawyer of the year and national private client lawyer of the year at the Private Client Modern Law Awards 2023.

Rachel is a partner in Kingsley Napley’s family and divorce team. She specialises in dealing with financial settlements and the arrangements for children arising upon the breakdown of a relationship. Rachel is recognised in the Legal 500 and the Citywealth Leaders and Powerwomen Leaders lists.

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Our Successful Nesting Co-Parenting Arrangement Benefited From a Team of Professionals.
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Helping Children Cope with Divorce: 6 Essential Steps

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Psychologist and Founding Editor
TDM

Divorce happens. And as soon as the children know about it, that moment, can become a watershed moment for your child or children. However, as much as divorce is important, what is even more crucial is how it’s handled.

The divorce process is already physically, emotionally and mentally challenging making it extremely hard to play the good, attentive and caring parent as much you would like to.

You will make mistakes no doubt. You will say things and do things with your child in the room that you wish you hadn’t. Then you will spend time worrying that you have somehow permanently damaged your child.

“Crazy” moments like these, that are not consistent and repetitive, are quickly and easily mended with an acknowledgement from you to them that it shouldn’t have happened followed by a genuine apology.

Divorce being the delicate, confusing and life-changing time that it is, here are some important things to keep in mind when looking after your children:

  • Don’t go it alone! Get yourself some support. This is said so often yet it’s amazing how so many don’t do it and continue walking around like some sort of warrior person. You see without support, good, strong and objective support, you will crack. And when you do, the people closest to you will be the first to be affected and those people are very likely going to be your children. So put your own support system in place.
  • Don’t assume that your children understand why your marriage ended, especially the younger ones. You know why and your partner knows why too but for children, splitting up the family to make life better may not make any sense and if it doesn’t make sense then they cannot cope with it all. So do, pay attention to the questions they ask and try and answer them in the best way possible without painting their other parent as the horrid, evil villain – even if it’s true. Remember as Haim Ginott says, children never ask questions to which they know the answer
  • Avoid making promises that you know you won’t or cannot keep. Don’t say things on the spur of the moment just to make them feel better knowing that in time, the truth will reveal itself and they will be left feeling crushed. For instance don’t promise that you will get back together or that you will see them every weekend if you know that that will never be the case. If you don’t know what will happen, tell them exactly that.
  • Create parenting plans that are child centred and appropriate for their age as opposed to what works just for you. An 18-month toddler cannot build a good and loving relationship if he only sees his father once a month for one day. A parenting plan created for a three-yea-old is unlikely to work the same way on a 13 year old. So be prepared to adjust the plan as your child grows.
  • Do let your child’s school know what’s going on. Don’t ask your children to keep affairs of the home secret. It’s not fair. You school-aged child spends most of his/her/their waking time at school so they will need looking after there as much as at home.
  • A stitch in time saves nine. If you are concerned about your child’s changes in behaviour, then do contact a professional as soon as possible.This person can help you continue parenting your child as you would like. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing this, on the contrary, it means that you are continuing to look after your child by getting you and him/her help so as to make them feel better as they rebuild their lives.

Divorce is a watershed moment in the life of any child, no matter how amicable the whole process is.

Having said this, divorce needn’t be a trauma that permanently changes who your child is. Handle it well and it will be something your child went through at some point in his/her life as opposed to something that now and forever defines who they are.

Read more articles by Soila.

About Soila

Soila is a child development psychologist and the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine. She is known for easing the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and has been working with children and families for almost two decades.  Soila holds a BSc (Hons) in psychology from the Open University and an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London). She is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and very recently completed her professional doctoral training in Counselling Psychology and is awaiting registration.

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When children of divorce become caregivers.
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When Children of Divorce Become Caregivers

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Psychologist and Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I often say that it’s ok for children of divorce or separation to see you upset, distressed, and crying when going through the process.

It is important for them to know that you too are hurting because by knowing this and by showing your emotions, you are inadvertently giving them permission to feel the pain and hurt that the divorce process gives rise to and just to show them that you are indeed human after all.

It’s usually very difficult for children of divorce, especially a sensitive one, to watch their parent fall apart and not do anything about it or feel that they are somehow responsible for the sadness or breakdown. They will very often do their best to rectify the situation by taking care of you, in the best way that they know; asking you if you’re all right, if they can get you something or do something to make you feel better.

This is a very normal reaction to a specific situation but allow it to become the norm or go on for too long and you’re changing your child’s life trajectory. When a child becomes a caregiver they become your advisor, your mentor, the person looking after you. This set-up is definitely not conducive to helping children cope with divorce.

When a parent makes a statement like, “Sophia takes care of me. She doesn’t like to see me sad and will sometimes just come and put her arms around to make me feel better,” the first question that comes to my mind is, “And whom does Sophia turn to? What does Kimani do with his own feelings and thoughts of fear, confusion, and loss?

The answer to this is most likely that they suppress them or blocks them because there is nowhere else to take them. There is no adult container for their adverse and undesirable thoughts and feelings.

“When a child turned caregiver tries to attend to her own needs and wishes, she feels guilty and undeserving…When a child forfeits her childhood and adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent, her capacity to enjoy her life as a young person, develop close friendships and cultivate shared interests is sacrificed…it is an overburdening that seriously inhibits the child’s freedom to separate normally and to lead a healthy adolescence…”[1]

So, it is okay for your child to see you cry, be distressed, and upset because fact is that the divorce process is a difficult journey for all to be on.

It is beneficial and advantageous for them to know that you are hurting too but, hard as it maybe, we need to continue being the parents and the adults in the room, the container and processor of your child’s feelings of anxiety, fear and confusion in seeing the family unit he once knew disintegrate into something unfamiliar and foreign.

[1] Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J., and Blakeslee, S.,(2002), ‘The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study.’

Read more articles by Soila

About Soila

 Soila is a child development psychologist and the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine. She is known for easing the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and has been working with children and families for almost two decades

Soila holds a BSc (Hons) in psychology from the Open University and an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London). She is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and very recently completed her professional doctoral training in Counselling Psychology and is awaiting registration.

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Is There Any Way of 'Forcing' a Non-Residential Parent to See His/Her Children?
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Is There Any Way of ‘Forcing’ a Non-Residential Parent to See His/Her Children?

Published on
Megan Bennie
Megan Bennie
Family Law Solicitor
Furley Page

For many co-parents, one of the most challenging aspects of separated parenting is when one parent does not choose to spend as much time with their child as the other parent thinks they ought to.   In some cases, a parent may not see their child at all, whether through choice or circumstance.

The short answer to the question of whether a parent can be forced to spend time with their child, which I know will be disappointing for a lot of parents, is no.  If a parent will not spend time with their child, then they cannot be forced to do so.   The courts are not prepared to make orders forcing contact, and it is difficult to see if and how such an order could be enforced, or whether such an order would be beneficial or productive.

It is worth remembering that even if one parent chooses not to see their child, they will still have a responsibility to make child maintenance payments and an application can be made to the Child Maintenance Service if it cannot be agreed directly.

However, where there is already an arrangement in place, by virtue of agreement or a court order, if the arrangement falters, there are steps that can be taken.

There will inevitably be circumstances in which contact does not take place for a period.  For example, illness, holidays, or other life circumstances. Where the change to the contact arrangement is tackled in a way that is sensitive to a child’s needs and courteous to the other parent, this need not be a major issue.

However, in circumstances where the withdrawal from contact/the relationship is for a prolonged period or comes suddenly with no explanation, it can leave children feeling let down, confused and as if they are not a priority.

It can also be distressing for the parent trying to facilitate the contact to see their child upset, and they may feel their efforts are not appreciated, leading to further breakdown in the relationship between the parents.  In such circumstances it may be more appropriate to look at how contact is structured and assess whether a different arrangement might benefit the child and promote contact, allowing for greater consistency.

There are many process options available for these discussions. For example, this could be addressed directly with the other parent, at mediation, by instructing a solicitor or, if all else fails, by making an application to the court:

  • What level is contact set at? The court will bear in mind what is going to be achievable for parents and children.  A parent who struggles to maintain a relationship with very regular contact sessions might be able to achieve less frequent contact, but if that contact is better quality – or actually takes place rather than being cancelled – it could be better for the child involved.
  • By what means is contact taking place? The parent-child relationship may be better maintained by means other than direct face-to-face contact time. Telephone or video calls could bridge the gap, or a parent in difficult circumstances might be able to accommodate those where spending time together in person simply isn’t possible.

For children who might have faced disappointment in the past through repeated or last-minute cancellations, calls or letters might fit more easily into their existing routine and limit the disruption they face, while still maintaining a relationship with the parent they don’t live with.

The age and capability of a child, as well as the effect and perception of any previous issues with contact, are important factors to consider.  What suits one child and promotes positive contact in a particular set of circumstances may not be suitable for another child or another set of circumstances.

If all else fails, the threat that future contact could be reduced can be a ‘stick rather than carrot’ approach to ensuring contact does go ahead.  The court can threaten to or even actually reduce contact, sometimes quite significantly, if it is apparent such a change is in the best interests of the child in question.  However, it would be exceedingly rare to have an order for no contact at all: the court tends to leave a door open for a parent/child relationship to continue except in the most severe of circumstances.

If you have questions about any aspects of child arrangements, whatever your situation, please do feel free to get in touch so one of the team of family law experts at Furley Page can help.

Contact Megan Bennie, Associate Solicitor in Furley Page’s family law team on 01227 763939 or email MEB@furleypage.co.uk.

Read more articles by Furley Page.

About Megan Bennie

Megan Bennie is an Associate in the family law team Furley Page.

Megan joined the team in 2021, having gained valuable previous experience at specialist family law firms featured in the Legal 500 directory.

Megan advises on all aspects of relationship breakdown, whether divorce or separation, including in relation to civil partnerships, dealing with issues such as the appropriate division of finances.

Megan also assists couples seeking to formalise arrangements through pre and post nuptial agreements and cohabitation (or living together) agreements. She can also assist with legal issues arising when cohabitation comes to an end whether there is a cohabitation agreement in place or not.

Megan can provide legal advice on a wide range of areas relating to children including arrangements for contact and who a child lives with, where a child lives (including relocation to another jurisdiction) and in relation to special guardianship and adoption.

Megan is primarily based at the Chatham office but is also available for meetings at either the Canterbury or Whitstable office.

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No Fault divorce is a good start - but what more can be done to support children whose parents are separating?
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No Fault Divorce is a Good Start – But What More Can Be Done to Support Children Whose Parents are Separating?

Published on
Matt Buttery
Matt Buttery
CEO
Triple P UK & Ireland Ltd

Before 2021, couples seeking divorce risked getting caught up in a blame game, unable to separate unless one party was deemed to be at fault. Now, through ‘no- fault’ divorce, the first major reform to divorce since 1970, couples are able to separate more amicably, without finger pointing and conflict.

The implications of this for families, and in particular children, are significant. In a 2018 YouGov poll, 79% of respondents agreed that conflict arising from divorce negatively affects children’s mental health. By allowing parents to admit the marriage has simply run its course, children feel less torn between the two, without the pressure of taking sides with the parent who has been ‘wronged’.

But the legal system is still not perfect for families, and support for the children of separating parents continues to fall short.

With half of all children coming from separated households, and the effects of divorce on children well cited, it is crucial that we ensure the system works in the best way possible to help children grow up happy and healthy.

Recently, the Government suggested that mediation becomes mandatory in all suitable low level family court cases, excluding, of course, those including allegations or a history of domestic violence. This, alongside the current MoJ consultation, will help the legal system improve to better protect children from witnessing their parents work out family disputes in court. But there is still more that can be done to diffuse proceedings and reduce the conflict involved.

One of the biggest changes we all need to address is in language. Language matters – 99% of family professionals said small changes in language used in the divorce proceedings could make a big difference to a child’s experience.

This is because lots of the vocabulary used currently furthers the animosity between parents by pitting them against each other. Words such as ‘battles’, ‘versus’, ‘fight’, ‘opponent’, ‘dispute’ and impersonal references to ‘the child’ are not conducive to nurturing collaborative solutions.

Making the language softer, by using first names for example, shifts the discussions towards finding a joint solution that is best for the whole family. This is something the Family Solutions Group have been calling for, a campaign we are firmly supporting.

At Triple P, this is something we are conscious of too – our programme to support parents going through separation and/or divorce is purposefully named ‘Family Transitions’, helping the couple understand their divorce as a familial change, and not as a fracture.

Language and communication are of course important between family members as well. It is imperative for the way children process a separation, that parents are offered support. This is an upsetting time for the couple and it can be hard for them to know how to communicate what is happening with their family. Evidence-based parenting programmes that focus on family communication and co-parenting help parents develop the skills to resolve conflicts with former partners, as well as supporting their child(ren) and helping to build a new family identity.

By helping children understand as much as possible about what is happening, you help them process the situation and reassure them they are still important and loved. Not only this, a strong relationship between parents post-divorce will help them co-parent effectively after the separation.

Programmes such as Family Transitions work, and support better outcomes for families.  The challenge is how to make them accessible to the number of families that might benefit.  Current investment by the Department of Work and Pensions into the Reducing Parental Conflict programme has gone some way towards this. However, we need more scalable routes such as remote and self-directed online versions of these programmes – and at the end of the day they all cost money to access.

One thought is to widen the scope of the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme to allow these vouchers to be spent on parenting programmes. We believe in the importance of mediation, but also know the emotional readiness to engage is critical to its success. Expanding the scope of the voucher scheme to allow attendance at an evidence-based co-parenting programme alongside mediation, will help to support parents, allowing them to better engage with the separation process. By making these vouchers accessible prior to the filing of the C100 too, mediation and parenting programmes will be genuinely helpful, rather than becoming a tick-box on the way to court.

The family courts are moving in the right direction, with the no-fault divorce and the shift to mandatory mediation being the latest successes for parents and children. But there are still changes that need to be made. For any child, the separation of their parents can be tough. We need to ensure that the process affects them as little as possible by taking the ‘battle’ out of it, and ensuring parents are supported with proven tools so that everyone is given the best chance to understand and adapt to the new family situation.

About Matt Buttery

Matt is the CEO of Triple P UK & Ireland and holds responsibility for the dissemination of the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program® across the UK and Ireland. He is a passionate advocate of using evidence-based practice to help families and communities develop strong, healthy relationships and resilience.

Matt has held various senior roles in the voluntary, statutory and private sectors. He has influenced and implemented health and social care policy across government and held senior positions in charities. He is an Honorary Associate Professor in Family and Parenting Practice and Policy at the University of Warwick, Chair of the Island of Ireland Parenting Network, and is a spokesperson on children and family issues, appearing in national and local media.

Matt previously fostered for over 10 years, and is a former Trustee of the UK National Academy for Parenting Practitioners (NAPP).

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parental alienation example

Parental Alienation – The Example we Should all Learn from   

Published on
STACEY NEVIN
Stacey Nevin
Associate with
Kingsley Napley LLP

Occasionally, as a family solicitor, I come across a case that makes my heart sink.

That feeling overwhelmed me when I read the recent judgment of the case Q and R (Intractable Contact), which can only be described as an extreme example of the serious issue of parental alienation.

Parental alienation is a concept recognised by an increasing number of lawyers and psychologists. In simplest terms it arises when a parent manipulates the child to show unwarranted fear, disrespect or hostility towards the other parent.  Not only does it damage a child’s relationship with the other parent, it can have a detrimental to a child’s mental health in the longer term.

For an estranged parent undergoing separation or post-divorce, it might be tempting to seek to turn a child against their ex. The acrimony from a split can so easily spill into the parenting arena, over parenting styles, behaviour and influences.

The danger zone is reached when the criticism is so repeated and effective that the child starts to believe and take as their own the negative images of that parent and in turn becomes self-sabotaging of that relationship.

There are a number of reported cases that have dealt with complaints about parental alienation, where the alienated party seeks to restore their relationship with the child. 

Whilst most judgments recognise the importance of the child having a healthy relationship with both parents, there is no statutory principle that protects this.  Sometimes the damage has already been done, as was the case in Q and R.

Q and R had the unfortunate effect of vindicating the mother who, it seems clear, was the engineer of her children’s wrecked relationship with their father.

Historically there had been a violent attack on the mother by the father, and it is of course possible that this motivated some of her actions later on. 

Yet despite psychologists finding that the father had dealt with his anger issues and that the children would benefit from contact with him, the mother did not accept those experts’ views, even after contact had taken place successfully.

She flouted court contact orders repeatedly and influenced the children to such an extent that they no longer wished to see their father and actively feared him.

In the end the judge reluctantly made an order for indirect contact only, stating this was in the children’s best interests. She justified her decision as the better course than inflicting a further cycle of litigation on the family and because the children would have rejected anything else.

To have ordered contact between the children and their father would have caused them anxiety and distress, such was the false belief system imposed upon them by the mother. 

The judge described this as a “running into the road case”; where the children expressed such strong views that they did not wish to be with their father, they might put themselves in harm’s way if made to see him against their wishes.

We can only hope this is a one off and not a precedent setting case.  Certainly parents guilty of alienating should not take it condoning this behaviour – the judge was highly critical of the mother – or of establishing a new norm.  

The overriding lesson is that those parents who feel they are on the receiving end of sabotaging behaviour should act early to avoid things getting to an impossible stage.

Bold and drastic measures in the early stages of a contact dispute can feel unreasonable and disproportionate, however this case demonstrates that the longer circumstances to on, the more difficult it can be to get things back on track.

For parents who can’t help but criticise their ex in front of their children, this case is a stark reminder to do better. 

Both parents have one common denominator; a child or children stuck in the middle whose present and future welfare lies in the balance.

About Stacey Nevin

The author is Stacey Nevin, an associate in the Family Law team at Kingsley Napley LLP. She works on cases involving all aspects of family law including private children cases and relocation cases.

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invitation oriah mountain dreamer

Poem – The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

The beauty of poetry is not just the words, rhythm and images evoked in one’s mind.  What I love about it is  the difference in interpretation from one person to another, the disparate emotions it stirs in people (or not at all) and the discussions that arise from almost each one.

Below is a poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, that helped me in my post-divorce life.  It made me decide to get better. I had to take look fixedly at the pain and hurt, acknowledge and wade through it then I had to see beyond that and keep moving.  That was then.

Today, for me, it reads as though it’s a child of divorce writing or speaking to a parent.

For children, the career of a parent, the achievements of a mum or dad rarely ever take precedence over the care, support and containment that children require so much.  All they ever want … is a parent.

A poem from a child to a parent.

 

The Invitation – Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

It doesn’t interest me

what you do for a living.

I want to know

what you ache for

and if you dare to dream

of meeting your heart’s longing.

 

It doesn’t interest me

how old you are.

I want to know

if you will risk

looking like a fool for love

for your dream

for the adventure of being alive.

 

It doesn’t interest me

what planets are

squaring your moon…

I want to know

if you have touched

the centre of your own sorrow

if you have been opened

by life’s betrayals

or have become shrivelled and closed

from fear of further pain.

 

I want to know

if you can sit with pain

mine or your own

without moving to hide it

or fade it

or fix it.

 

I want to know

if you can be with joy

mine or your own

if you can dance with wildness

and let the ecstasy fill you

to the tips of your fingers and toes

without cautioning us

to be careful

to be realistic

to remember the limitations

of being human.

 

It doesn’t interest me

if the story you are telling me

is true.

I want to know if you can

disappoint another

to be true to yourself.

If you can bear

the accusation of betrayal

and not betray your own soul.

If you can be faithless

and therefore trustworthy.

 

I want to know if you can see Beauty

even when it is not pretty

every day.

And if you can source your own life

from its presence.

 

I want to know

if you can live with failure

yours and mine,

and still stand at the edge of the lake

and shout to the silver of the full moon,

“Yes.”

 

It doesn’t interest me

to know where you live

or how much money you have.

I want to know if you can get up

after the night of grief and despair

weary and bruised to the bone

and do what needs to be done

to feed the children.

 

It doesn’t interest me

who you know

or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand

in the centre of the fire

with me

and not shrink back.

 

It doesn’t interest me

where or what or with whom

you have studied.

I want to know

what sustains you

from the inside

when all else falls away.

 

I want to know

if you can be alone

with yourself

and if you truly like

the company you keep

in the empty moments.

 

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,

from the book The Invitation

published by HarperONE, San Francisco,

1999 All rights reserved

http://www.oriahmountaindreamer.com/

 

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Arguing Causes More Damage than Divorce in Children

Arguing Causes More Damage than Divorce in Children, New Study Reveals

Published on
Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

In the lead up to a divorce, those parents who argue are causing their child to develop at a slower rate in comparison to the actual divorce according to new research.

It has been found that a lot of the damage caused to children as a result of divorce is down to the arguing that occurs before the parents separate.

The research, carried out by the University of Yorkshire studied the data of 19,000 children who were born in 2000 and it identified that there are behavioural problems, hyperactivity and emotional development in those children of divorced parents who argued prior to the divorce being finalised.

Therefore, the research identified that children of divorced parents have reduced cognitive and non-cognitive skills when compared to those children who are not exposed to divorcing parents although the divorce itself is not the main reason for this.

A lot of the damage is caused by the circumstances prior to the divorce as well as the characteristics linked to the family. This could be down to many of those families having a lower education as well as struggling financially or they could have regular conflicts. The conflicts between parents could therefore, harm the development of a child more than the separation itself.

Those children that have separated parents have behavioural development problems that are 30% worse than those children who come from families that remain intact.

In England and Wales, the number of divorces occurring is on the increase. The majority of these divorces involve children who are below the age of 16 while 66% of them include children under the age of 11.

When it comes to helping children who are involved in a divorce, there are a number of things that parents can do to ensure they are affected as little as possible. Children are simply children and so, they do not need to see any conflict or discussions. These should take place at a time when the children are not around.

Children also benefit from a routine, this means it is important to keep any routine that they may have.

Any disruption can cause them problems so continue to take them to school or pick them up at the same time, visit grandparents in the way they do and if they take part in an activity during the week, continue the arrangement.

In addition to this, negativity can also have a detrimental impact on their development. They do not need to see or feel the negativity from the parents as this will also impact them.

Regardless of any problems between parents, the children still need them as parents so it is important that they continue to be involved in their lives.

It is now believed that the research could assist Government interventions in a positive way so that parents can be educated in a way that will allow them to understand how they could be having a negative influence on the way in which their child develops.

The results show that those interventions that are intended to enhance co-operation as well as those interventions that ensure parents are aware of how negative conflict can be could help to reduce the number of divorces which will help to improve the non-cognitive skills of children.

About Kerry

Kerry Smith is the head of family law at K J Smith Solicitors, a specialist family law firm who deal with a wide range of issues including divorce, domestic violence, civil partnerships and prenuptial agreements.

 

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How to Make Divorce Easier on Children

Published on
Vanessa Fox
Partner and Head of
Family Law
hlw Keeble Hawson

I have often thought that we should take research into the effects of divorce on children with a pinch of salt and concentrate on common sense, practical measures to reduce the impact.

The latest study to grab headlines has concluded that a quick divorce is worse for children than an acrimonious one and that they are less likely to succeed in life as a result.

In my extensive experience no divorce is easy – emotionally, financially or legally and nobody enters into the process because they think it is. Even amicable separations are hard on children – but if both parents work to safeguard them, there is no reason why they should not grow up to achieve fulfilled lives.

Below are some tips on how estranged couples can make their split easier on their children:

  • If possible, sit down together to tell your children about a separation or divorce. Keep explanations simple and don’t blame each other.

 

  • Always put your children’s welfare, not your own, first and avoid unnecessary squabbles. Strive to remain cordial despite feelings of hurt with your ex.

 

  • Try to reach a quick and easy financial outcome – it is better to collaborate and to compromise than fight over minor issues.

 

  • Strive to be fair and flexible with each other about children issues – avoiding disruption with last minute changes of plan. Routine is always helpful for children but it doesn’t have to be a straitjacket.

 

  • Explain in simple terms how their lives will change, particularly major decisions such as where they will live and how often they will see each parent. Both parents are urged to be flexible over planned routines if children, particularly teenagers, want to alter them.

 

  • Agree some parenting ground rules with your ex and have monthly coffee meetings to discuss how things are going with the children.

 

  • Avoid getting into a blaming situation with your ex – a spirit of cooperation will go a long way.

 

  • Regularly reassure your offspring that you love them – they, in turn, are entitled to continue to love both parents.

 

  • Encourage them to talk about their feelings and give them time to get used to the new situation. Don’t rush them into meeting any new partner.

 

  • Consider family therapy as an option – it works well in many cases.

Ultimately, divorce has been easier to obtain for the last 50 years in the UK. Previously, people were locked into loveless and abusive relationships – however, there is no research available on how this affected children. The number of young people undergoing higher education since the 1970s has also rocketed despite divorce numbers rising more than six fold between 1955 and 1985.

This seems to contradict the claims in the latest study that young adults in the 1970s were far less likely to go to university than those in the 1940s and 50s, when access to divorce was harder.

I strongly urge all separating couples to do everything they can to ensure their split is as non-confrontational as possible. They can work with professional advisers to resolve family disputes constructively and invest in one of the collaborative routes to divorce.

About Vanessa

hlw Keeble Hawson partner, Vanessa Fox, marked 25 years as head of the firm’s family law department in 2016.

Collaboratively trained and a qualified mediator, she has modernised South Yorkshire Resolution since becoming chair in 2013 and is also a member of the Law Society’s Family Law Panel and the Children Panel.

She can be contacted on 0114 290 6232 or at vanessafox@hlwkeeblehawson.co.uk.

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Boosting Children’s Self-Esteem in Divorce

Boosting Children’s Self-Esteem in Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce affects children in many ways, including changes in their lifestyles and schedules.

It can also impact their self-esteem, especially if the youngsters felt they were the cause of their parents’ separation. Reassure them that they are not to blame.

Talk to your kids and correct any misconceptions tied to divorce such as, “If I was better, my parents would still be together.” Discover the root cause of a lower self-esteem in order to know how to help.

After my parents’ divorce as a small child, my self-esteem dipped.

Although this coincided with the divorce, it was not related. My father found out it was because I was one of the last to be picked for a team in physical education class, due to my poor batting skills. On Sunday afternoons, my father had me practice both hitting and catching a baseball. With this vast improvement, I was wanted for teams and my self-esteem got back to normal.

A key way to boost self-esteem is by giving children opportunities to build up their strengths and talents. If they are athletic, sign them up for sports. If artsy, then for classes. When children become proficient in their hobby, new skill or interest, this increases confidence. Confidence in one area spills over into others and raises their self-esteem.

Having a healthy self-esteem comes from within and is not dependent upon a cheering squad to pile on compliments. The trick is to help the child feel good about themselves and not be reliant upon others to give them validation.

My sons increased their feeling of self-worth by volunteering. Both helped out at an animal rescue charity. If a kid is feeling unlovable, giving back to others will change this gloomy outlook. My boys felt appreciated by both the affectionate animals and other volunteers. Volunteering enables them to feel that they have some power to make a difference in the world.

There is a trend to boost self-esteem by telling each child that they are “special.” There are seven billion people in the world, so I make it a point to inform my sons that they are NOT special.

Merriam Webster dictionary’s definition of special is “distinguished by some unusual quality” which is more in line with Winston Churchill, Mother Teresa and David Bowie. Each person has talents and characteristics which are unique, same as fingerprints are unique.

The new generation of “special” teens and twenties is becoming a nightmare in the workplace, which is the topic of conversations between my sons and their friends.

These special people do not want to clean the loo, take out the trash or do menial chores that are perceived beneath them. They do not handle feedback or job evaluations well either, since they were bombarded with praise as kids.

It is a rude awakening for these “special” young people later in life, that the world does not owe them anything. Special implies special treatment, often with a sense of entitlement. I witness this over and over in the schools. A teacher told me that the children who are told they are special, are the ones who baulk at doing classroom chores. Another said youngsters can get used to receiving “unspecified praise.” Instead, praise them after a hard-earned accomplishment, as in winning a regional championship or a well-done performance.

Nurture your children during divorce with cuddles and attention. Do family activities together and have fun. Children feel more secure and know what to expect when boundaries are clear.

Our job as parents is to help kids feel good about themselves without a sense of entitlement and to respect others.

Ask kids periodically how they are feeling and if there are any issues. If you are sensing that their self-esteem is low or they are not adjusting to your divorce, consider having them see a child coach or therapist to help set them on the right path.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Relocation, Relocation, Relocation – Can I Move Away with my Child after Divorce UK

Published on
James Thornton and Frank Arndt
James Thornton and Frank Arndt
Founders
Paradigm Family Law

As Henry Ford says, “If everyone is moving forward together, then success takes care of itself.” 

Moving forward or relocating to a different country is sometimes difficult, especially when the parent left behind does not want a distance relationship with the children.

Attempting to understand the principles to be applied in internal relocation cases has been one of the most difficult tasks in family law.

The court has invariably been placed in the position of seeking to balance on the one hand the weight to be given to the desire of a primary carer to relocate within the United Kingdom against, on the other, the effect of a move on the relationship of the child with the left-behind parent, particularly where the distance involved is considerable. Establishing the true position is very fact specific in each case.

The Welfare of the Child is Paramount

However, there is only one principle in relocation cases and that is that the welfare of the child is paramount; there are no presumptions and any guidance is exactly that, guidance, and as such is designed to be of assistance (or not) depending on the circumstances of the case.

Quick Summary of Relocation Cases

After a period of uncertainty as to how the so called Payne guidance (Payne v Payne [2001] EWCA Civ 166; [2001] 1 FLR 1052) should be applied in relocation cases, the matter has been clarified in K v K (Relocation) (Shared Care Arrangement) [2011] EWCA Civ 793; [2013] 2 FLR 880 and thereafter re-emphasised by the President in Re F (Relocation) [2012] EWCA Civ 1364. The judge, having cited parts of K v K, reminded himself that the Payne guidance is not a presumption but that “that does not mean that Payne v Payne is not helpful in terms of the guidance that it does provide.”

K v K tracks the law back as far as Poel v Poel [1970] 1 WLR 1469. For the purposes of his argument, Mr Geekie traces through to more recent authorities the observations made in the well-known passage from the judgment of Griffiths LJ from Chamberlain v de la Mere (1983) 4 FLR 434 where he said:

“The welfare of young children is best served by bringing them up in a happy secure family atmosphere. When, after divorce, the parent who has custody of the children remarries, those children then join and become members of a new family and it is the happiness and security of that new family on which their welfare will depend…..

If a step-father for the purposes of his career, is required to live elsewhere the natural thing would be that he will wish to take his family, which now includes his step-children, with him, and if the court refuses to allow him to take the step-children with him he is faced with the alternative of going and leaving the family behind which is a very disruptive state of affairs and likely to be damaging to those step-children, or alternatively he may gave to throw up his career prospects and remain in this country.

If he has to do that he would be less than human if he did not feel a sense of frustration and, do what he may, that may well spill over into a sense of resentment against the step-children who have so interfered with his future career prospects.

If that happens it must reflect upon the happiness and possibly even the stability of this second marriage. It was to that effect that the court was pointing in the decisions of Poel v Poel [1970] 1 WLR 1469 and Nash v Nash [ 1973] 2 All ER 704 and it was stressing that it was a factor that had to be given great weight when weighing up the various factors that arise when a judge has to decide whether or not to give leave to take the children out of the jurisdiction.”

This in turn was incorporated as an important feature by Dame Elizabeth Butler-Sloss P in Payne as was summarised by Black LJ in K V K:

“[125] She analysed the guidance to be derived from the earlier cases. In paragraph 83, she focused on the impact on a child’s welfare of the frustration of reasonable plans made for relocation, culminating in the observation that:

“If the arrangements are sensible and the proposals are genuinely important to the applicant parent and the effect of refusal of the application would be seriously adverse to the new family, e.g. mother and child, or the mother, stepfather and child, then this would be, as Griffiths LJ said, a factor that had to be given great weight when weighing up the various factors in the balancing exercise.”

[126] In paragraph 84, she turned to the other considerations that would be relevant in the following terms:

“84. The strength of the relationship with the other parent, usually the father, and the paternal family will be a highly relevant factor, see MH v GP (Child: Emigration) [1995] 2 FLR 106. The ability of the other parent to continue contact with the child and the financial implications need to be explored…..”

Black LJ, looking back over what is now nearly 40 years of jurisprudence in this area of family, [140] came to several conclusions in her judgment in K v K:

“[141] The first point that is quite clear is that, as I have said already, the principle – the only authentic principle – that runs through the entire line of relocation authorities is that the welfare of the child is the court’s paramount consideration. Everything that is considered by the court in reaching its determination is put into the balance with a view to measuring its impact on the child.

[142] Whilst this is the only truly inescapable principle in the jurisprudence, that does not mean that everything else – the valuable guidance – can be ignored. It must be heeded for all the reasons that Moore-Bick LJ gives but as guidance not as rigid principle or so as to dictate a particular outcome in a sphere of law where the facts of individual cases are so infinitely variable.

[143] Furthermore, the effect of the guidance must not be overstated. Even where the case concerns a true primary carer, there is no presumption that the reasonable relocation plans of that carer will be facilitated unless there is some compelling reason to the contrary, nor any similar presumption however it may be expressed.

Thorpe LJ said so in terms in Payne and it is not appropriate, therefore, to isolate other sentences from his judgment, such as the final sentence of paragraph 26 (“Therefore her application to relocate will be granted unless the court concludes that it is incompatible with the welfare of the children”) for re-elevation to a status akin to that of a determinative presumption.

It is doubly inappropriate when one bears in mind that the judgments in Payne must be read as a whole, with proper weight given to what the then President said. She said that she wished to reformulate the principles since they may have been expressed from time to time in too rigid terms with the word ‘presumption’ over-emphasising one element of the approach (paragraph 82) whereas the criteria in s 1 Children Act govern the application (paragraph 83) and there is no presumption in favour of the applicant (paragraph 84).

Dame Elizabeth referred, of course, to the effect on the parent with residence (paragraphs 83 and 84) but she also stressed that the relationship with the other parent is highly relevant and that there are many other factors which may arise in an individual case (paragraph 84).

I detect in her discussion of the factors and in her summary at paragraph 85 no weighting in favour of any particular factor. She said that the reasonable proposals of the parent with a residence order wishing to live abroad carry “great weight” whereas the effect on the child of denying contact with the other parent is “very important” but I do not infer from that phraseology any loading in favour of the reasonable proposals as opposed to the effect of the loss of contact.

[144] Payne v Payne therefore identifies a number of factors which will or may be relevant in a relocation case, explains their importance to the welfare of the child, and suggests helpful disciplines to ensure that the proper matters are considered in reaching a decision but it does not dictate the outcome of a case.”

In Re F ( Relocation) [2012] EWCA Civ 1364; [2013] 1 FLR 645, Munby LJ (as he then was) said:

“[37] …..There can be no presumptions in a case governed by section 1 of the Children Act 1989. From beginning to end the child’s welfare is paramount, and the evaluation of where the child’s best interests truly lie is to be determined having regard to the ‘welfare checklist’ in section 1(3).”

Safeguarding

As a practical point, don’t forget the safeguarding provision and insurance as set out in the latest Court of Appeal decision in  M (Children), Re [2016] EWCA Civ 1059at [66] to [70].

 

ABOUT JAMES AND FRANK

James Thornton and Frank Arndt, matrimonial experts, founded  Paradigm Family Law in 2014. It is a niche practice specialising in family law advice and the first family law firm to offer services on the basis of BESPOKE FIXED FEES tailored to clients’ particular needs and requirements.

James and Frank have over 30 years’ experience in the field of family law, and provide specialist legal advice for family matters including international family disputes.

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Family Law Mediation – “But what about the Children?”

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

In family cases involving children, the law is clear-the welfare of the child is the paramount consideration.

However, the adversarial UK court system that people so often use is such that even in the best run of cases, this all-important principle can be overlooked.

All too often separating couples and other relatives confuse what is in the child’s best interest with what they want and not uncommonly their lawyers end up writing tit-for-tat letters to one another which invariably include inflammatory and very hurtful contentions.

In all of this, the children can be forgotten. Their day-to-day lives suffer, their schoolwork suffers and the disruption in their routines can literally turn their lives upside down.

In some instances their long-term development can suffer. Non resident parents and their children can be separated for months!

Mediating child related disputes means that whilst bitterness and recrimination cannot be completely ignored, they are put in perspective.

Family mediators ensure that the disputing parties focus on what is important and help them to find common ground and forge a new found relationship that will help them work together in the future.

Going to mediation means that it is much more likely that a non resident parent will see his/her children more quickly and more often. For the children’s sake mediate!

ABOUT PAUL

Paul Sandford (www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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