This is the final part of a three part post. Click here for part 1 (Raising Children of Divorce – Need to be excluded from divorce matters) and Part 2 (Children of divorce need a conflict free environment).
Finally, children of divorce need both parents, unless of course there are real issues around their safety and wellbeing, in which case, using a contact centre may be the best way forward.
The love that a child has for a parent, is truly inexplicable. I say this because it was something that I saw over and over again when I worked as a child trauma therapist at Vicitm Support Lambeth.
There were children who came into my session room whose fathers or mothers had commited really horrific crimes against someone else or them directly but they, these children, in the safety of the therapy room, would say that they missed the parent, still loved them and wanted to see them.
They wouldn’t however say this to the other parent as they didn’t want to hurt them. They would at times also say terrible things about the other parent to the resident parent, so as to show that they were on their side – just as children of divorce tend to do when their loyalties are split.
Young children don’t understand that their father or mother is a narcissit, not at first anyway, that will come with age, but you do and you can learn what to do when divorcing a narcissit or a sociopath.
So with this in mind, try and imagine, removing the other parent from your child’s life because you are angry, resentful and just feeling vindictive. How is your child supposed to deal with this change in circumstance or this internal vacant space left in their lives?
How are they supposed to go from loving daddy, (generally speaking) and seeing him everyday or every week to not seeing him at all? Are you, as the mother, aware of what the repercussions of your act will be in your child’s life? Do you truly understand the role a father plays in a child’s life?
When they turn around in later life and ask you, “Why did you keep me away from my mum/dad?” I wonder what the answer will be?
The best gift you can give your child during and after the filing for divorce and the divorce process is over, is to get on with their other parent, for your child’s sake.
If you’re finding it hard to do, seek help, create a support system around you that can hold you up when things get rough. It’s probably going to be a long, hard slog but I promise you, for your child’s sake, it will be worth it.
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email email@example.com