Dr Soila Sindiyo

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Income and Divorce

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Income and Divorce
Paul Gorman
Principal Partner
Beaufort Planning

Aviva’s Winter 2013 report explores the growing diversity among UK families fuelled by trends in cohabitation, separation/divorce and remarriage.

Past relationships are teaching families valuable lessons about managing money yet Aviva’s latest Family Finances Report also paints a worrying picture of unprotected incomes and outdated policies.

The Report reveals:

  • Nearly half of adults who live as part of a modern family have experienced at least one previous committed relationship (involving marriage or cohabitation) prior to their current family set-up.
  • More than one in six have had two or more past committed relationships, with 5% having had three or more.
  • More than one in three marriages is a remarriage for at least one partner, with 15% involving a remarriage for both parties.
  • Almost a third of two-parent UK families include one or more children from a previous relationship.

Income and Divorce – Financial arrangements in the modern family context can be stretched and complex:

One in three families with children from past relationships in December 2013 received financial support from an ex-partner. This includes almost one quarter who get a regular income from this source and 10% who receive occasional payments.

Regular monthly payments received range from less than £50 per child to more than £1,500, averaging out at £254 per child, per month. One in three who receive financial support rely on it to make ends meet, while another 38% would need to make major cutbacks to manage without this income.

With this is mind, it is worrying to read from the report that only one in four knows for definite that their former partner has financial protection – such as life insurance, income protection or critical illness cover – in place, that could be invaluable in helping secure maintain these regular payments in the event of ill health, incapacity or death.

Disturbingly, almost one in five know that their ex-partner’s finances are definitely not covered, another 30% fear this may be the case.

With many adults experiencing more than one committed relationship, any change in family circumstances can have a significant impact on financial arrangements.

Updating bank accounts and mortgage/rent agreements seem to take priority when a relationship ends, with Aviva findings suggesting that only 6% of affected adults fail to make such changes following a separation.

In contrast, almost one in five fail to update their will, potentially leading to future complications.

It is very much understandable that housing and a place a live is the main concern, this is an immediate need that requires action and attention.

Yet, it is also really important to look at and consider your all round finances during divorce and as hard as it is consider not just immediate and short term needs, but also your needs over the medium and long term.

Paul Gorman

www.beaufortplanning-westmidlands.co.uk

 

Sources: www.aviva.co.uk

 

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Become Wealthy
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A Man is Not a Financial Plan: 7 Steps to Become Wealthy

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Here are the 7 steps to how to become wealthy:

financial plan
Mary Waring
Independent Financial Advisor and The Wealthy Woman: A Man is Not a Financial Plan: A Woman’s Guide to Achieving Financial

1. Calculate your starting point

Until you calculate a starting point you have no way of knowing whether you’ve improved your wealth or by how much.

So work out the value of everything you own, (your house, car, investments, pensions etc) and deduct the value of everything you owe (your mortgage, credit card balances, HP etc.). The difference is your net worth. Set a target for what you want this to increase to over the next 6 months or 12 months

 

2. Control your debt

If you have large balances on your credit card and only pay off the minimum each month you are paying a huge amount of interest.

If you only pay off the minimum balance each month it could take 47 years to repay your balance and cost 3-4 times the initial balance. So before you put a purchase on your credit card consider how much it will cost you to pay it back in total, rather than how much you pay back each month.

 

3. Save before you spend

Don’t plan to save what balance you have left in your bank account at the end of the month, because invariably there won’t be anything left. Instead have a standing order each month that goes out of your account as soon as your income comes in. That way your savings will be taken care of.

Over time it will be easier to increase the amount of the standing order, as you see your savings grow.

 

what mortgage can I afford
It’s easy to think that a small amount isn’t worth saving.

4. Save regularly even if it’s only a small amount

It’s easy to think that a small amount isn’t worth saving, but over the long term you’d be surprised how much it can grow. For example, if you were to invest your child benefit from the day your child is born until they are aged 18 and get a 10% return, at the age of 18 that would be worth over £53,000.

Enough to fund university,  provide a deposit on a property, fund a gap year etc. However, if instead of giving this sum to your son or daughter at age 18 you left it invested continuing to earn 10% return each year it would be worth over £4.6 Million when they are aged 65.

That’s based on investing £20.30 per week- or £2.90 a day. A similar price to an upmarket cup of coffee!

 

5. Monitor your spending

If you think you don’t have enough money to save keep a detailed record of all that you spend over a 3 month period- including everything you spend in cash. Then review each item on the list and consider “how can I reduce it?” Is it possible to eat out less often, eat out in a cheaper spot, or have friends round instead of eating out?  You may be surprised at where your money’s going, and the options to reduce your costs.

 

6 Review everything regularly

Doing the above exercises is not a one off. Over time bad habits can creep back in. So do all this on a regular basis to ensure your money is working hard for you.

 

7. Enjoy your money 

Don’t be fearful of dealing with your finances. If you approach each of the exercise with the attitude it won’t work or you’ll hate doing it, then that’s exactly what you’ll get. Follow the steps to improve your financial position in the knowledge that small steps on a regular basis can lead to a significant increase in your wealth

Mary Waring

www.mary-waring.co.uk

Author of  The Wealthy Woman: A Man is Not a Financial Plan: A Woman’s Guide to Achieving Financial Security 

 

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Weird Divorce Stories

Some Weird Divorce Stories

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I remember during my first divorce, my solicitor and I were having a general discussion on why couples split up.

He told me how he had one lady explain to him that she just couldn’t take the way he squeezed the toothpaste out of the tube from the wrong end!  She preferred that he gets the paste out from bottom up as opposed to just squashing it from wherever his hand happened to land.  That, right there, was her basis for divorce citing “irreconcilable differences” or something to the effect.

Anyway, so here are some other weird divorce stories:

courtesy of www.cracked.com
courtesy of www.cracked.com

 

In this Cambodian divorce, the husband got fed up of his wife’s alleged affair with a local policeman – and after going through the divorce etc, he decided to indeed split the assets with the help of his relatives!

A man in Germany did the same thing!

 

 

kidney

  I want my kidney back.

A woman who donated one of her kidneys to her now ex-husband now wants it back.  Samantha Lamb donated the kidney to her ill husband only for him to leave her once he had recovered.  Her journey was documented on bbc.co.uk.

 

 

 

wedding metal couple-287152_640

   Ageism?

A woman married her husband while aged “24” or so she said.

Ten year later he learns what her real age is and calls it quits.

What’s that they say about the truth always catching up with you:-)

 

 

Guantanamo_detention_camp_Guard_Tower_Septembe_12_2007

 

Did you just call me Guantanamo? Really?

Once upon a time, a woman in Saudi Arabia wanted to speak with her husband.  She decided to call him on his mobile phone.  Unfortunately or fortunately, he had forgotten his phone at home which she only realised when it started ringing in the house.  She went to fetch it only to find that he had put her name down as Guantanamo – after the detention camp!  She divorced him.

 

crime-murder

 

Phantom Killer

A woman in Chicago wanted to divorce her husband so badly that she decided to fake her own death and frame him for it.  But all this backfired as the time the murder was supposed to have happened, her now ex-husband was out of town.  After her “murder” she disappeared for a while but ended up reappearing when her ex and her family became embroiled in a legal bitter custody battle for the children.

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Changing Your Name After Divorce

Changing Your Name After Divorce

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Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

Keeping your family name or changing your name after divorce?

What about you, did you take on your husband’s name when you got married? Did you keep your family name? Or did the whole family take on your name?

Now that you’re going through or have gone through a divorce, what do you think you’ll do? Will you take back your maiden name?  Would you rather keep your married name?  What feels right for you?

 

Getting Married

I hope by sharing my story I can give you some more insights.

When I got married, I took on my husband’s name. I became Caroline Cameron.

I was happy. I never thought it could be any other way. I know of countries and cultures where the women keep their family name but I had the choice and I chose to take on my husband’s name.

I wanted to be called the same as my future children and I also wanted to make it official that I was now married. Yes of course I loved that name, it had a foreign feel to it, and some in Switzerland, where I am from, had trouble pronouncing it, which made it even more fun.

I especially loved, that I was CC (Caroline Cameron). Looking back, I think I never really put much thought into it at all. I just followed the normal rules, and took on my husband’s name.

 

15 years later.

We’re now separated.

I’m seated with my three children at the table, and my youngest, then 5 years old, starts to cry, saying ‘But Mom, when you get a divorce, then you will have a different name to us!’ He was so upset.

To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about this at all, for me it was clear, I am Caroline Cameron, and I will stay that way.

Again, I had the choice – do I to take my maiden name back or keep my married name. At that stage, I was sure I would keep my family name. I still wanted to have the same name as my children and I liked the name, even though I don’t have a crooked nose (Cameron means crooked nose in Gaelic).

 

Another 5 years later

Changing Your Name After Divorce
What’s your name?

While doing some Pranic healing on myself, I realized that I was calling myself Caroline Palmy. It was so spontaneous and so sudden and felt so true, that it got me thinking.

Where does this come from? Why now? Why me?

I took a deep breath and listened within, and called myself Caroline Cameron, and I realized, this is not true anymore, this does not sound true. I realized that I had outgrown my married name and I was ready to go back to my birth name of Caroline Palmy.

Thinking about this, I got this picture of myself unzipping a tight grey neo-preen like dress, and getting out of it, and feeling free, colourful and dancing, and I realized, that with this change of name I can really free myself. I felt happy and at peace, I have finally found myself or rather re-found myself.

I spoke to my children again, and asked them, how they would feel if I took on my maiden name again.

The oldest said, “Mom that was clear, I always knew you would do that.”

My girl was happy for me, and said she would love me either way and my youngest, who cried 5 years earlier at the thought of me changing my name, was smiling and said, that is very much ok so. He knows I am his Mom, no matter what. We have all grown so much.

 

Making it official

Changing the name officially was easy all I needed was to sign a paper at the official place followed by filling in endless forms of changing it everywhere and on everything else. It was worth it.

I was glad, I had 5 years to let this idea grow, and I didn’t make any rash decision. For me it is right to have gone back to my birth name. There are situations for each one of us, and we all have to decide for ourselves.

 

Do what is right for YOU

My only advice to you is to only do what feels right for you.  Don’t let yourself be pushed either way.

It might sound like a tiny part of it all, and maybe it is, alas when I signed my documents to go back to my maiden name, I really made a step out there, and realized the impact such a decision can have and is having.

Wishing you all the best

Proudly,

Caroline Palmy

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Abusive Relationship Stories

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Uploaded on youtube in 12 Jun 2009, the video below is about Nina and Zoe stories describing their experiences of domestic abuse or domestic violence as it used to be referred to.  

It’s about how they found the strength to support to leave their situation.

Hope it helps you in one way or other if you are in or just left an abusive relationship.

For help or advice call the 24 hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247

Read more about the facts about domestic violence:

 

 

You may also find the following helpful:

punch-316605_640
JACKSON KATZ: VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN — IT’S A MEN’S ISSUE

Violence Against  Women 

 

Why Domestic Violence Victims Don't Leave
WHY ABUSE VICTIMS STAY

 

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Stepmums
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Author of My Stepmum and Me, Kathryn Maile

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  • How did you come up with the idea?  What was the trigger?
Kathryn Maile - www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Kathryn Maile Author of My Stepmum and Me

I always make up stories and rhymes with and for the children, which they love.

The trigger was the attitude I sometimes faced from other parents when collecting the children from their friends parties etc. So I reviewed the rhymes and stories in an attempt to have them published, as not all Stepmums are wicked.

 

  • You’re a step-mum today, were you a bit apprehensive when you realised what it was that you were getting into?

No, as my husband and I have a very strong relationship which was built over a very long period of time as friends. We are very united and supportive of each other, so I had no reason to worry or be apprehensive.

 

  • Did you, yourself, ever think of step-mothers as bad and evil?

The one stepmother who stuck in my mind from childhood was snow white’s. But that was just a fairy tale and I don’t think anyone who is truly willing to take on another persons child(ren) can be evil.

 

  • I have met both men and women who say that they wouldn’t want to be step-parents – what would you say to them?

I would say because of that mind set they are missing out, hugely.

 

  • What advice would you give a woman who is about to become a stepmum?

Be united as a couple and as a Stepmum open minded toward the children. It will be a learning curve for all involved so patience and understanding is key.

 

  • Stepmum - www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukHow do you manage your step mum role regarding discipline for instance?

Not differently than if they were my own children.

 

  • I’m assuming, maybe wrongly, that you and your husband’s ex-wife do get on well.  If so, how did you manage to achieve this?

Despite my great relationship with the children I have no relationship with their mother.

 

  • What advice would you give a step-mum vis-a-vis her relationship with his ex-partner?  

If you can all get on that has to be of benefit to the children. If this is clearly not possible keep her respectfully at arms length to avoid any issues within your own relationship.

There has to be a mutual respect from both parties for the role they each play in the children’s life’s.

 

  • Do you also attend school functions such as parent’s evenings,sports days etc?

Yes, when possible my husband and I attend the children’s parents evening, school plays etc. In fact the children’s father has made a huge effort to be involved in the children’s school which sadly is not easy being a divorced Dad. The children have benefited massively from this effort as they are over the moon when we attend their plays / recitals / school fairs etc and even more so when their little brother gets to come too as they like to show him off!

 

About Kathryn:

Originally from Ireland I moved to London over 20 years ago and worked in the Finance Industry in the City. I became a Stepmum in 2006 to 3 lovely children and became a mum to a wonderful son in 2012. The children adore each other which is just wonderful to see and experience, I now spend my time with my husband and children between our homes in Ireland and London. 

Book 2, A Boy’s Tale, is currently underway with more books to follow.

 

Signed copies (while stocks last) direct from the author, just email me on:

Mystepmumandme@outlook.com,  Direct from the publisher (Penpress)

The book will also be available shortly from Amazon and Waterstones on line

In store (date to be confirmed)

 

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Divorce, Children and Family Mediation Process

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The Divorce Magazine speaks with Collaborative Lawyer and Family Mediator Austin Chessell about divorce, children and family mediation process.

If you’re wondering how to get to divorced and are not sure what might work for you, then listen to this interview on children of divorce and how the family mediation process works and helps.

 

  •  What are the common children issues parents want to resolve in mediation?
  • What type of contact should parents think about before coming to mediation if they want to prepare?
  • Can people other than parents be involved in family mediation process e.g. grandparents?
  • Can the children themselves be part of the family mediation process?
  • Is there special training you need to do to work with children?
  • Is what is proposed in mediation for children matters legally binding?
  • Can we return to mediation when the children are older if we want to review what was previously agreed?
  • You used to volunteer and work at a children contacts centre. Did the experiences there help shape you as a family mediator?
  • Can you use mediation to discuss which religion a child should follow and also can it be discussed in mediation if a name change should take place for the child?
  • Does the age of the child impact on how the childcare and living arrangements will work?

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single parents on holiday

Single Parents on Holiday

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Dreading your first holiday alone with the kids? Travelling as a single parent doesn’t have to be a chore!

Single Parent Holidays
Andrea and Sandra
Founders of
Single Parent Holidays

Holidaying on your own with your children can be difficult and lonely, especially the first time around.

The last thing you need after the breakdown of your relationship is finding yourself surrounded by happy two-parent families in a large, impersonal hotel complex.

Instead of relaxing and having a good time, you end up trying to be entertainer, squabble breaker and waitress (think food buffet), slapping on sun tan lotion and developing eyes in the back of your head!

You can’t read your book by the pool for fear of losing sight of your children and spend the evenings alone at the hotel bar.

So how do you get to enjoy the holiday, too? There are so many factors to consider: Destination, climate, safety, accommodation, things to do – to name but a few. Ask yourself what would make your family holiday successful and prioritise accordingly.

Keeping the kids happy. Most single parents will immediately respond that first and foremost they want their children to have a good time. So a holiday with friends or a group holiday where the kids have ‘instant’ friends of a similar age might be the answer. The bonus is that you get to spend quality time with your kids, yet can also relax and have conversations with adults whilst they are playing with their friends!

Destination. When you have kids, the destination becomes somewhat secondary. Most kids love routine. It gives them a sense of security so they want to go to the same place year after year.

If this is the case and you fancy exploring new places, involve them in the planning, show them brochures and tell them about things to do in the hotel or country you fancy visiting. They will soon become excited!

Some of my favourite destinations are the Canaries and Austria – both safe, all-year round destinations with a mild climate in the summer and offering a huge amount of attractions and activities for parents and children alike.

Single Parent beach holidays
So how do you get to enjoy your single parent beach holiday?

Price. Booking early can save you as much money as booking last minute but the former is certainly the safer option when you are restricted to the school holidays and might need to negotiate with work and an ex-partner.

It also means that you can pay in instalments of your choice and have something to look forward to!

Good value-for-money destinations in Europe are Spain, Portugal, Greece and Austria. They offer a good standard of accommodation and are very family friendly.

Italy, France and Croatia although very popular with English holidaymakers offer a lot less for your hard earned money and to get a reasonable standard of accommodation, cuisine and facilities there, you need to dig a little deeper into your purse.

There are so many destinations and holidays out there suitable for single parent holidays.

Think outside the box of standard package holidays. Try a small family hotel where you and the kids will be made to feel at home, a cycling holiday with your teens or a family adventure holiday.

If adult company and playmates for your kids are important to you, you could consider a single parent group holiday with a specialist travel company. Remember, travelling as a single parent doesn’t have to be a chore. It just requires a tiny bit more planning.

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divorced dads

How to Avoid Parental Alienation

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Andrew Ford www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Andrew Ford

Andrew Ford separated from the mother of his youngest daughter when she was only a year old.

During the past 5 years, it has been a challenge to get to see her regularly.  He also has a 13-year-old daughter from an earlier marriage.

Although he now has fairly regular access to his youngest, it remains difficult at times.

Andrew is not alone.

National statistics show that Britain has the highest proportion of fatherless families (2 million) of any major European country, and 1 in 3 children – nearly 4 million in total – live without their father. Of those children, 1 in 3 will lose contact with their dads permanently, according to the Centre for Social Justice.

Andrew shares some tips for estranged and divorced dads to help them maintain and improve contact with their children and avoid parental alienation.

How to Avoid Parental Alienation

1.   Formalise the contact: Secure a formal contact arrangement with your children by talking to their mother and getting a contact order through the courts. This should cover holidays, weekends and drop-off / collection arrangements. Such a schedule provides a basis for quality time together throughout the year.

2.   Plan your year: Buy a calendar to note and plan all the arranged contacts and key dates throughout the year. A methodical approach will make the exercise more manageable, and enjoyable. Also plan early for special dates such as weddings, anniversaries and funerals – I recently needed to do this for my daughters to attend my parents’ – their grandparents’- 50th wedding anniversary.

parental alienation www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Get online: There are many ways to avoid parental alienation

3.   Get online: Modern technology is crucial to maintain contact with your children. E-mail is great for ongoing communication – either directly with an older child, or to confirm arrangements with the child’s mother.

I CC my mother, older daughter, the grandmother of my youngest, and my new partner, Dawn, in on such e-mails, as it’s a good way of reinforcing contact details and dates, which often involve the extended family.

4.   Get smart: A good way to stay in touch with your older child on a daily basis is via the free Smart phone apps WhatsApp and Viber, as this is how they’re having conversations with their friends today.

I chat to my older daughter on WhatsApp every day, sharing photos and other updates – such as what’s happening at their other home, when I’m travelling or just popping to do some shopping. It keeps her close and involved even if she’s not in the same location.

5.   Store your memories in an online memory bank:  My daughters want to see my face, expression and mannerisms not just read a text or listen to my disembodied voice! To feel like I am there, even when I am not there and for that I use an online memory bank which allows me to video record and store all sorts of information for my daughters in a secure digital memory bank.  This includes stories about my childhood and family facts and even some advice.

Our time together is limited, this way they can get information when they are away from me, answers to questions they don’t know to ask and which we can chat about when we are together.   Lifestorybank is the one I use but you can check online for other online memory banks.

Andrew Ford is a dad of two girls and an independent marketing consultant.

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How to be Happy Alone

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We speak with Rebecca Norrington – the Happiness Specialist.

Coping with divorce or dealing with divorce can be hard but it can be done and you can be happy again.  So many of us are constantly in pursuit of happiness and Rebecca shares with us in these three videos how we can achieve happiness again.

The founder of The Divorce Magazine, Soila and Rebecca share some of their own personal experiences of divorce, anger and shame.

  • How do we deal with a conflictual ex-partner, friends and family? (Video 1)
  • How do we deal with anger? (Video 1 and 2)
  • Do I keep playing the blame game with all that happens around me? (Video 2)
  • What about forgiveness?  How to Forgive and How to Forgive Yourself (video 3)
  • How does self-awareness help you when in pursuit of happiness?
  • How to be Happy Alone
  • How to be happy always

Divorce and failure go together and throw in shame too and it can be hard to cope and move on from that broken relationship. Unsuccessful marriages are common but you don’t have to carry it with you forever.

Having inspiring thoughts that uplift can help. Negative thoughts hold you back and keep you low. Acceptance is the key. It has happened and that’s just how it is.

How to be Happy Alone

Follow Rebecca Norrington – Twitter  | Facebook | YouTube

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Mediation for Divorce: Is Family Mediation any Good?

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Austin Chessell is a qualified Collaborative Solicitor, Child and Family Mediator and regular contributor to The Divorce Magazine.

When it comes to divorce and family separation does the family court have to get involved?

Is it part of the family court decisions that a couple should attend family mediation or go for mediation for divorce?

Here Austin answers your questions on family mediation and how it can help in finding mediation solutions during divorce and family separation.

Mediation for Divorce?

  • How can family mediation help?
  • Is the agreement reached in family mediation legally binding?
  • Can children participate in the family mediation process?
  • Is family mediation for you?
  • How can you ensure that your mediation process has a positive outcome?

If you would like to speak more with Austin about family mediation you can contact him here:

Tel: +44(0) 7920 445832

Twitter: FamilyLawLondon

Linkedin: austin-chessell

 

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Jackson Katz: Violence Against Women — it’s a Men’s Issue

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Domestic violence and sexual abuse are often called “women’s issues.” But in this bold, blunt talk, Jackson Katz points out that these are intrinsically men’s issues — and shows how these violent behaviours are tied to definitions of manhood.

A clarion call for us all — women and men — to call out unacceptable behaviour and be leaders of change.

Biography courtesy of TEDTALK.COM:

Jackson Katz is an educator, author, filmmaker and cultural theorist who is a pioneer in the fields of gender violence prevention education and media literacy.

He is co-founder of Mentors in Violence Prevention (MVP), which enlists men in the struggle to prevent men’s violence against women. Celebrating its 20th anniversary this year, MVP has become a widely used sexual and domestic violence prevention initiative in college and professional athletics across North America. Katz and his MVP colleagues have also worked extensively with schools, youth sports associations and community organizations, as well as with all major branches of the U.S. military.

Katz is the creator of popular educational videos including Tough Guise: Violence, Media and the Crisis in Masculinity. He is the author of The Macho Paradox: Why Some Men Hurt Women and How All Men Can Help and Leading Men: Presidential Campaigns and the Politics of Manhood. He has also appeared in several documentaries, including Hip Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes andMissRepresentation.

Related Posts:

If you believe you’re in a abusive situation and need help please find below some free services helplines and websites:

  • 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247
  • Lesbian and Gay Helpline -0300 330 0630

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