Caroline Palmy

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What I Learned from Divorce – Caroline Palmy

Published on February 20, 2016November 11, 2018

“Many of us are unaware of the new life that is available to us after a breakup. For many of us, we’ve lost ourselves and our power in the process of breaking up, and sometimes much earlier in the relationship. Because we’ve been so wrapped up in the breakup, we often don’t realize that we’ve been handed a golden opportunity for a whole new life of freedom and the possibility of unprecedented happiness, fulfillment and love that’s on the other side of this passageway we’re navigating.”

~ Katherine Woodward Thomas

I found this quote on Facebook the other day, and I feel this wraps my story up so nicely. Yes I know, I wouldn’t have wanted to hear this 5 years ago neither.

It was December 31st 2008 when my marriage fell apart. I was shattered, I was devastated and I felt like the rug was just pulled away from underneath me.

Luckily I had my three kids (12, 8 and 5 years of age at that time) to look after, so I had a purpose, I couldn’t just fall apart.

I went into autopilot – holding it all together, far too well and far too long, till I neared a breakdown and a depression 2 years later. It was liberating!

I could finally let go, and my kids appreciated me showing feelings, and as much as they probably loved the stability at the beginning, they could relate much more to me going through the loss, than to the stoic Mum, I became after the separation.

So please look after yourself, you are the most important person in your life, and for the sake of your children, stay well. Get help, whenever possible, and get some down time on your own, you need it. You are suffering a loss, the loss of your marriage, and you need time to grief. Ask friends, family and neighbours, they are sure happy to help you, and assist you.

Don’t be shy and it is not a weakness to ask for help (I had to learn that myself), it is perfectly normal and it shows great strength indeed.

Here is what I learned from divorce.

You are enough

Please just be yourself, that is more than enough. I tried to be Mum and Dad for far too long, and then I tried to be a Super Mum, none of which really worked. Just be yourself, and look after yourself. You are more than enough just the way you are. Enjoy finding your own unique way with your kids, establish new routines, enjoy outings together. Just do whatever your heart tells you. Never forget, you are wonderful.

Simplify your life

I realized that when I, once in a while, chose to cook frozen veggies, because I had no time for chopping up fresh ones, my life was fuller with love. I had more time for my kids, I had more time for myself, and I felt more alive thanks to it.

Look at your daily chores, at your weekly to do list, where can you downsize, what is really necessary, and where can you sneak in some you time?

Enjoy reading a book, or chatting to a friend over the phone, having a bath, or just be, treasure those times, and make them a priority in your life, remember you are going through a major life changing event, a loss, you need time to mourn and heal.

Finding yourself

When my marriage broke apart, I woke up from a 20 year deep slumber. I was together with that man for half my life, and I had no idea, who I, as a person, was. I have been a wife and then later a mum for most of my life, and I have lost track of the woman I could be.

So I started a wonderful journey to discover myself. What did I like, what did I want? I always wanted to do Yoga, so beginning of 2009 seemed a very good time to start just that.

Is there anything you like to do, always wanted to do, except you never found the time nor courage to do? Go ahead do it now, discover yourself, do you fancy taking Art Classes, playing an instrument, singing, any kind of sport, go ahead, go for it, you deserve it. Explore yourself.

I soon found it very liberating just to be responsible for myself, not having to compromise anymore. Being in a marriage or any relationship it is always a compromise, I gave myself up far too easily, and to an unbelievable extend, that I had no idea, who I was, when I was on my own, fortunately the journey to myself was just more rewarding indeed.

What music do I like to listen to, where do I like to go, what do I like to cook/eat, and so on….,

Also with the children, I found an even bigger bond with them, and I could take things much easier; they didn’t have to be in bed, before Daddy was home, I was far more relaxed, and for that a much better mum.

Now looking at them, I am so proud of what we all have become, not only did I find myself, by doing so, I set a great role model for my kids, to find themselves also, they are more mature and more self assured, than they were years ago. We are a wonderful family, the four of us, and we have a tremendous bond, and truly value each other.

Accepting what is

One of my biggest lessons was to accept things the way they are, and not the way they are supposed to be. My ex husband was never much involved with the kids, so it came as no surprise, that when he was gone, that this won’t change.

I knew from books that it is supposed to be very important for the children to have regular contact with their father, and I really wanted the best for my kids, so I ‘enforced’ that, alas it didn’t work out that way, and I had to accept that every divorce is unique, and every mother and father is unique, as are the children and each situation.

Now my kids see their father 2 or 3 times a year for dinner, and that is ok. This is the best arrangement for us, especially for the children, and I really appreciate it this way. Please do whatever is best for your family situation, there is never a set course, go with your heart and enjoy what you have and accept the whatnots, and be flexible as to both of them.

Finding help

Not only is your marriage falling apart, but so is your former circle of friends.

Unfortunately that is the truth.

Find new friends, and you will also find people who are or were going through the same as you, and that is probably the best for you, so you can exchange stories, and feel moral and emotional support.

Let’s face it, only people who have gone through a divorce truly know, what you are going through, it’s like with kids, people without kids know theory, however, when it comes down to basics….., only people with kids can truly understand you.

Find friends to Support you Be wary of all the horror stories of divorce, yes it is a painful process, and yes it is hard, but it never has to end in drama, either just listen to the information, but if it wears you down, you probably have to stand away from Divorce Drama, and find other less dramatic people to spend time with.

It’s like when you were first pregnant, there were people telling you horrible painful stories of labour and birth, did you really want to hear this, being pregnant with your first? No, so this time, just say No thank you.

Also talk to your children’s teacher, so you and your kids get the support from the school, sometimes they have counselors, or talk to Soila, a wonderful divorce companion. Often it is wonderful to speak to an outsider, it is very liberating.

Taking one step after another

Yes I was tired, and exhausted and often wondered, whether I can go on, and whether this was all worth it. Yes you can, and yes it is, but get some rest whenever possible, and just remember putting one foot in front of the other, is all that is needed, one step at a time. Yes I know, looking forward and not seeing an end in sight is weary so look back and pat yourself on the shoulder for how far you have already come!

Sometimes we forget how far we have come already, and once we realize this and praise ourselves for it, it gets much easier to keep going. And YES believe me, YOU can do it!

I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart, and as hard as it is, see it as an experience, a life lesson to be learnt, and know, it will get better eventually

Warm hugs and much love

Caroline

Children of Divorce/Well-being/Your Divorce Stories

Home Alone after Divorce

Published on July 26, 2014August 25, 2015

As I am sitting here, contemplating on how I feel, being home alone after divorce and with older children.

I remember, when the kids were little, how often I wished to have some quiet time, some ME time, some alone time. Yes Motherhood can be intense, especially when they are younger.

I have three kids, and there was always one or the other crying for me, or fighting with another.

When they are really young you need to keep them occupied, plan outings, you need to feed them on a regular basis, and I felt exhausted more often than not. I love being a mom, and always did.

Now that they are older it is easier. They come down and ask, what’s for dinner or state, “I am hungry”, but they can usually get themselves a snack from the fridge, and are back in the room before I can even blink.

Yes when they were little, I longed for some alone time, and then when my marriage broke apart, all of a sudden I had every other weekend ALONE time, but that’s not what I wanted either, that’s not how I planed it not at all.

Early separation time

I remember, at the beginning of our separation, my Ex came into our house to spend the weekend with the kids, so I went away, it was winter, and I was desperate to do something worthwhile, I knew otherwise I would just sit around and cry.

I remembered how much I loved skiing, especially as a child and teen. So I went up to the mountains for some weekend ski fun. This was very healing and soothing, and helped me reconnect to who I am at the core. Fresh air, exercise and fun is all you need on your weekends alone, especially at the beginning.

Then my ex got his own flat, and as the first weekend when the kids would leave the house drew nearer, I realised I could not bare to stay alone in the house where everything was still so fresh, so I asked two girlfriends to come away with me a Spa Hotel.

We had so much fun, so much Champagne and it felt good! I am eternally grateful for those two for keeping me company and making the transition so much smoother on one of the hardest weekends of my life, while I hoped my kids would be fine.

But two weeks later, I had to face it all again.

This time I needed to face the empty house, there was no escaping. I braced myself.

I had been looking forward to the lie in, the silence, to just be able to do what I wanted. Unfortunately my Ex send me an email that Friday evening with worrying news about our financial state, and that brought me down into the fear state.

So instead of enjoying my alone time, I started worrying about life and my kids in general, and the weekend was gone. I had done nothing with it apart from feeling isolated not just from my kids, but from life itself.

Sitting here now, five years later, I realize how that was a wasted weekend. How concentrating on your fears and worries doesn’t help, and how this ruined my alone time. Even if the money is tight (as you have two flats to pay etc.) there is always a way of making the most out of your precious ME time.

Go for it, you deserve it.

Getting used to it

Needless to say, I got used to my weekends alone.

I planed some fun outings with friends when I felt like it or I had a good book ready to start or a movie to watch.

I intentionally did NOT read any emails during the weekend, I knew if there was an emergency I would get a call.

I was partly planning my weekends, and partly seeing how I feel and go with the flow. I personally needed some planning, as otherwise I would have gotten into the dump, crying all weekend, and not enjoying my free time. Don’t get me wrong, crying is very important and very healing. One has to let it all go and let the tears flow, clear out your heart and start healing. Still I felt like I needed to have some joy while being free to do so.

Nowadays

Now I sit here, and feel very weird without any of my kids near by.

Home Alone After Divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk — Ask yourself what you would like to do. Treat this as if it was your evening out and you had hired a babysitter. Go do that now.

They haven’t visited their Dad for the last three years. I hadn’t had a weekend on my own for three years. One child or the other was away on trips or outings, but there was always one or two around. The times I spent away on courses I do not count, as there I was busy, and not at home.

It’s the at home alone that hits me. I enjoy the peace and the quietness, alas now that they are older, 17, 14 and going onto 11, I do have a lot of free time. I don’t feel so tied down anymore.

I enjoy my freedom, while they are around. Yet having an empty house is really weird.

It is only for a couple of days, and then they will come home one after the other, and I know by the time I have adjusted to my alone time, they will start coming home.

Adjusting

It is an adjusting period, a learning period, a research trip.

If you like. I am sitting here, contemplating, on what do I want? That is a new.

Usually my daily life is dictated by the needs and activities of my kids, now I can do what I want. So what do I want?

What do I like to do? Maybe hiking! It would be fun up onto the mountains. Yes that would be lovely, alas it is raining right now and not only am I a good weather hiker only, but also it is dangerous on slippery grounds.

So now, I can travel within, learn about my needs and likes, again, on a new level, and do some research into Caroline, myself, and my life.

This is a wonderful healing opportunity too; making peace with all that happened so far, enjoying the present and having a positive outlook on what is to come into my life. It’s a wonderful couple of days I can get a taste of what will be in a couple of years when the kids have left the house and I am starting another new life again. Isn’t it wonderful, that we have never fully learnt all about life. That life brings us wonderful new experiences, and that we can enjoy each day as it comes, and make the most out of it.

What to do

If you are new to separation, if you are facing the first couple of weekends without your kids, here are some thoughts:

Ask yourself what you would like to do. Treat this as if it was your evening out and you had hired a babysitter. Go do that now.

Also have some friends on call, in case you could do with a hug or a talk. It’s ok to get overwhelmed and feeling alone.

Do you like sport? Go do it, try it or try something new or just go for a walk.

Watch a movie or have a good laugh with a friend.

But try to have some free time, don’t plan excessively as you might just feel like you need to digest this new situation.

You could have a PJ day at home with breakfast in bed reading the newspaper. What bliss not having to get up and feed some hungry kids! You can declare the kitchen closed and get take away.

If you like, cry, and let it all go, anything that you feel like is perfect for you at that time. Do what feels right for you.

You won’t believe me, but those weekends are over faster than you think! You will have your kids back in your arms soon and there might be a moment or two you feel like, oh that was a quiet and peaceful weekend, maybe.

I wish you all the best on your new journey

It is an adventure and a wonderful opportunity.

Love, Laugh and have fun and most of all enjoy!

Caroline

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Find more articles by Caroline here – Caroline at The Divorce Magazine

Your Divorce Stories

You can’t Blame your Ex for Everything

Published on June 11, 2014September 14, 2019

It was getting towards the end of the month, and the money hadn’t come into my bank account yet.

Once again my Ex was late, I thought. Last month he waited till the very last day, and I got into trouble, as my credit cards had already been debited, putting my account into the red.

Here we go again, I thought. Why does he still play this game? What’s the need, we are divorced now, finally. No need, to play silly games anymore. I was angry, and in fear.

My thoughts would go all over; what if he is challenging the divorce agreement, what if he doesn’t want to pay, ok this time around I do have a signature, unlike the last couple of times.

I realized that I was still in that fearful energy and I hadn’t properly healed from the last 5 1/2 years, where I never knew what would happen. Would he pay, how much would he pay? When would he pay? Did I need to involve the lawyers again? It was a draining time, and I am glad to have that behind me, a signature and an end to it all.

Still, I was sitting there with no money on my account, I waited till the beginning of the next month, giving him the benefit of the doubt, but still on the 1st there was no money, nor on the 2nd.

I sent him an email; just stating facts: ‘Hi, it is the 2nd 9AM, my money has not yet arrived into my account. I expect it by 4PM today.’ I was pleased with myself. Standing up for myself was still a new experience, and tried not to let my anger or fear interfere with my email. I was especially proud for setting a time limit and putting a demand on it. It was rightly mine anyway. So no need to bow.

It took less than half an hour for him to come back to me. He explained that the amount had been deducted on 23rd, and the money must have been lost in transition.

WOW, ok, so there was indeed a technical glitch, just as my intuition told me. So while I checked with my bank, he sent me the transfer documentation and that’s when we realized, that he had used my married name, and the old address (I had moved 3 years ago), so my bank had sent the money back.

I was relieved that I had my money, that it wasn’t a bad sign and that the whole divorce ‘battle’ was really over. I was also pleased that that I stayed calm and factual when writing him this email. Can you imagine, what could have happened, had I let my emotions run wild, and sent him an aggressive letter?

So what did I learn from this experience? I have to admit laughingly, that I can’t blame everything on my EX, as convenient as that might seem. And you shouldn’t either.

If you can, stay factual, no need to be falsely friendly, but at least leave the blame game out of anything when dealing with your Ex and see the humorous side of it all.

Have a good laugh every now and then and concentrate on your own life, let them go.

have a wonderful time

warm hugs

Caroline

Your Divorce Stories

Birthing a Divorce – Healing after Divorce

Published on April 4, 2014November 8, 2018

Going through a separation and having a divorce feels very much like giving birth. You go through various phases of different sorts of labour pains, to finally giving birth to a baby called Divorce.

Congratulations on your new arrival, your new life. YOUR life.

I was in labour for 5 1/2 years. Ok, the first 2 1/2 years weren’t that bad considering what followed afterwards. I and the kids were still getting to terms with things and it was hard: the starting of a new life, a life without a father for the kids.

What followed was excruciating, the words that flew from lawyer to lawyer, the blackmails, no signature for passport renewals for the kids, the pressure, the shortage of money. I felt more often than not that we, me and my three kids, were going to drown .

Looking back, I have no idea, how I kept us afloat. It was a miracle. People stepped in and helped us at the right time and I am eternally grateful to all of them. I am humbled by the emotional support we all got and how we came through it nearly un-shattered.

PUSH!

Then I had 5 months of pushing. Yes, that was the time when I heard that I was summoned to court by my Ex, and needed to prepare for my court appearance.

It was a very intense time; a time of healing physically, emotionally and mentally, as well as keeping my nervousness under control and letting it all out. And getting that, it felt like pushing a 25 pounds baby out!

Thankfully, appearing in court wasn’t as bad as I imagined. I was amazingly calm and trusted the outcome.

I did my work, and somehow I fully believed that whatever happens, we will be ok. My three kids and I are healthy and remain very close and somehow everything else seems to fade compared to the love I feel for my children.

I understood that whatever came out of my ex’s mouth was his guilt talking and it had nothing to do with whom I was. Strangely, he could not offend me and I did not take on any of his blame. I was done with him and his ways once and for all and it felt good realizing this.

We made it through.

We came to an agreement, it is not all I had hoped for but it’s not as bad as I feared either. It is something we can live on and I was just so happy to have it over and done with. Happy that that huge baby was finally out and the pain was over.

I was absolutely high after court, I felt so happy, so at ease, so relieved and so glad and so were the kids.

I didn’t involve them much, but they were aware that I was going to court. They were just all visibly relieved that I felt a bit guilty that they had gone through this as well.

How could I underestimate the pressure my kids were under?

Of course they had felt me being tense and nervous and yes I did stand up for them as well in court. They understood that the outcome would influence their life too.

By trying to keep it away from them, I excluded them. Still it was the right thing and we are just all so relieved that the stress of the last 5 1/2 years can finally fall away. Yes it did, or still is.

Then came the baby blues. I was hit hard, very hard that same very night.

I couldn’t fall asleep. Every time I dozed off, I was woken up by another panic attack. ‘Oh no, we can’t live on that amount! ‘Oh no, stupid me, I should have asked for more!’ ‘Why did I not stand up for more?’ and on and on it went.

The next morning I got up completely exhausted and when my oldest son asked me, how I slept, I told him, that I didn’t sleep well, as I was worried that the money would not get us through, he looked at me, patted me on my shoulder, and just said ‘Mom, we will be ok!!!’ I cried. He is wise beyond his 17 years of age. He was so right, and yes that’s exactly what I needed to hear. ‘WE will be ok’, yes we will.

I am not alone out there, the kids and I are a team. It was also a huge relief to learn from friends, that going through this fears is absolutely NORMAL. I am not a freak, not more than anybody else anyway.

The Contractual After Birth and Healing after Divorce

Now comes the after birth, the time where we carefully check and recheck the contract, before it is signed and sent off. It’s important to give enough time and not pull that placenta out. We have to make sure it comes out in one full piece and not leave anything in that would later cause an infection.

And I know, when I have the court document, that I am legally divorced, that’s when the milk will come in and I can fully nurse my new life.

Right now, I am still in healing, and need to tend to myself very gently and carefully. It was an intense birth, to say the least.

Please be gentle to yourself, nurse yourself and remember, you are going through a birthing period and it takes a lot of energy and might be painful. For some it might be a walk in the park while for others it might be very hard.

It is also a profound time of healing. Let it happen.

Release everything that no longer serves you. Look after yourself and let yourself be pampered. Have some good ‘midwives’ around like I did with Maggie Kay and Bill Tucker. Good friends that come by with a cup of coffee or take you for a walk, animals to pet or a good book to read.

Remember you are worth it.

And birthing your baby Divorce really needs you at your best and strongest.

You will make it

Warmest of hugs,

Caroline

Because so much is riding on your divorce