Associate
Stowe Family Law
For parents facing separation, one of the hardest questions is what it will mean for their children. Many feel a deep sense of responsibility to keep the family together, and worry that separating will cause lasting harm.
Those feelings are entirely understandable. However, staying together at all costs is not always what is best for children. In some families two happier parents living apart can offer greater stability in the long term.
When parents do separate, there is no legal presumption that an equal split of care is best for the children – the arrangement needs to reflect the individual needs and circumstances of the child, whether it is made directly between parents or if mediation, or court intervention is needed.
How can parents share care after separation?
For many families, a 50/50 arrangement works very well. In practice, this usually means the children spend 7 nights with each parent over a 14-night cycle. However, some families alternate weeks, while others divide the school week and alternate weekends.
The right pattern depends on the children’s ages, school and extracurricular commitments, the distance between the two homes, each parent’s working arrangements and how well the parents can communicate and cooperate. What suits a teenager may unsettle a very young child, and what works now may need to change as the children grow.
The aim is an arrangement that fits the children, rather than expecting the children to fit around a rigid timetable.
Shared care does not have to mean equal 50/50 time
Some families find that an arrangement weighted towards the children spending more time with one parent provides greater continuity. This is often the case where parents had different roles before separating. For example, one parent may have worked part-time or from home and managed school runs and after-school care, while the other worked full-time, or had a long commute. Keeping a similar balance can give children a familiar routine amongst other changes.
For the parent who will spend less time with the children, this can be painful to accept, and it is natural to worry that fewer nights will mean a weaker bond. But the strength of a relationship is not measured in percentages. A parent who cares for the children 20% of the time during the week is no less important than one who cares for them for 80% of the week. What matters is the quality and consistency of that time, the emotional connection it builds and the children’s confidence that they are loved and safe.
Is 50/50 shared parenting always right for children?
The short answer is no. Equal time can work extremely well, but it is not always practical or in every child’s best interests. Some children live mainly with one parent and spend regular, meaningful time with the other. That does not make the arrangement any less successful, nor does it diminish either parent’s importance. What counts is stability, the children’s wellbeing and their ability to maintain positive relationships with both parents.
When distance makes equal time difficult
If one parent relocates, whether elsewhere in the UK or further afield, frequent travel between homes during term time can be tiring and disruptive for children. Longer stays during the school holidays, weekends where feasible, and regular telephone and video calls can help children stay close to the parent they see less often.
When there are safeguarding concerns
Shared care may not be appropriate where there are safeguarding concerns, including domestic abuse. Children may need to live mainly with one parent, with any time with the other carefully structured, and supervised if appropriate. These are difficult situations for everyone involved, and specialist legal advice can help a parent understand the options, including whether court proceedings are necessary, while keeping the children’s safety and wellbeing at the centre of decisions.
Difficulties in communication between parents do not, on their own, rule out shared care. However, where conflict or safeguarding concerns affect the children, arrangements must put their safety and needs first.
Can children live with both parents if time is not split equally?
Parents can agree that their children live with both of them even if the children spend more time in one home. Where a legal order is appropriate, a Child Arrangements Order can state that the children will live with both parents while directing, in practice, that they spend more time with one.
For example, a child might spend alternate weekends with one parent, plus two nights during the following school week, and the rest of the time with the other. This matters to many children, and to many parents: it acknowledges that the child has two homes, rather than a home and somewhere they visit. The wording of any order will depend on the circumstances of the case.
Reaching a parenting agreement after separation
Ideally, parents can reach an agreement between themselves. Where trust and communication are strong, some never need anything formal. Others find it helpful to draw up a Parenting Plan setting out the arrangements and key parenting decisions, and to update it as the children’s needs change. A Parenting Plan is not legally binding, but it encourages accountability and can, if necessary, evidence existing arrangements should a dispute reach court. Depending on their age, maturity and understanding, children can be involved in shaping it, so that they feel heard.
Where direct conversations are difficult, mediation is often the next step, and it is available to separating parents whether or not they are divorcing. Some mediators offer child-inclusive mediation, in which a trained professional speaks with the child, where age-appropriate, and conveys their wishes and feelings. Shuttle mediation, in which each parent takes part from a separate room, in person or remotely, can make the process feel more manageable and less confrontational. Before applying to court, parents are usually required to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM), although there are exemptions, including where there is evidence of domestic abuse.
Solicitors can negotiate on a parent’s behalf where communication has broken down. If agreement still cannot be reached, either parent may apply to the court for a Child Arrangements Order. The court will consider each parent’s position and, if no agreement is reached during the proceedings, make a decision focused on the children’s welfare. In doing so, it applies the welfare checklist from section 1 of the Children Act 1989, which includes the child’s physical, emotional and educational needs; their wishes and feelings, considered in light of their age and understanding; and the likely effect of any change in their circumstances.
Putting the children first
Separation is one of the hardest things a family can go through, and most parents simply want to get it right for their children. A 50/50 arrangement can be ideal for some families, but equal time should never become an end in itself. The right arrangement is the one that responds to the children’s needs, school, routines and relationships, and gives them what they need most: to feel safe, secure and loved by both parents.
Read more articles by Stowe Family Law.
About Francesca Sanderson
Francesca has a varied experience in family law. Francesca specialises in child arrangements, relocation applications and injunctions and can advise on divorce and financial settlements. Francesca also has previous experience advising and representing clients when social services have become involved with their children.
