I won’t say much about this video as it truly speaks for itself.
Children need both parents and here’s why:
One major effect of divorce is the decline in spending power.
Holidays in foreign lands may have become rarer as the purse strings are tightened which means that a day at London Zoo may feel like an evening at the Opera when you have to consider transport, lunch and entrance tickets.
But that doesn’t mean that an outing is out of the question and simply impossible. There are actually plenty of things you can do in and around London that will cost you next to nothing or the price of a bus ticket.
Of course you will need lunch which you can always take from home along with some water – much cheaper than stopping on the way to buy sandwiches and fruit.
commons, heaths and forests. Pick one, heck, pick two, pack a lunch, walking shoes and go explore or just take your picnic rug and go sit and enjoy the view, people and various free events that are being held there.
So enjoying a staycation in your city doesn’t have to be long and boring or cost an arm and a leg.
Whatever you choose to do – enjoy to the fullest!
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk today
When it comes to going on holiday as a single parent and for the first time, it may feel quite different, daunting and unfamiliar.
You may even find yourself looking over at other families and for a brief moment envying them for being “intact” and wanting “one of those.” All very normal reactions.
I remember the first time I went on holiday with my girls, just us, no one else. It was a self-catering holiday in Corsica.
It was fun, exciting but I did get extremely tired as all planning, looking after and decision making lay on my shoulders. There was no one there to ask, “What do you think?” or “Where shall we eat tonight?” That was hard.
But at the end of the day, when I lay my head on my pillow, I could only smile and feel happy, glad and grateful that I managed to do this and that my girls were having a good time. It was truly worth it.
Those were also the moments where I would ask, “would I want to go back “there” and be married to him?” I would imagine if him with us right now and an uneasy feeling would immediately wash over me and I knew what the answer was.
I would acknowledge the challenges but be grateful for the opportunities of a new life that I alone can create and write.
If you’re going on holiday for the first time this year as a single parent here are some things you might want to keep in mind:
You will find it awkward not being with your ex-partner at times but that’s normal and that’s ok. Remember that one time it was you, as a family, where the other people are around you are, but you were unhappy. Would you want to go back there? Not for anything I would assume. Isn’t it funny how you notice other families on holiday much more now than when you were married?Single parent holidays can be fun if you keep your child’s age and interests in mind. So enjoy, have fun and don’t feel too bad if at times you wish you had stayed at home and that you really don’t like your children and wonder, out loud, why you even bothered!
It’s normal, very normal because at the end of the day, we are only human!
Enjoy!
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Fabulous interview with a great woman!
I was really pleased to get the chance to interview author, coach and confidence expert Annie Ashdown.
There’s so much to be said about gaining your confidence back but how much better is it to know this from a woman who has had one of the roughest life journeys you may ever have heard of?
Here is the first interview recorded in 3 parts for your convenience.
Click on the links below to get listen.
Annie Ashdown – Part 1
Some of the questions answered include:
Read Annie’s bio here
Follow Annie – twitter, facebook, plus.google, youtube, pinterest, linkedin
Author of – The Confidence Factor, Doormat nor Diva Be
What they are saying.
Anybody can call themselves a “life coach” but it takes somebody unique like Annie to actually put the theory into practice and help people help themselves. Jeremy Kyle
Annie is full of passion, humility and a wealth of experience. Jo Hemming’s, Best Selling Author, Psychologist, ITV This Morning.
Annie Ashdown is at the credible end of coaching, her talent for engaging with people allowing her warmth and integrity to create a rapport is second to none. She is respected and gorgeous on the inside and out. I cannot recommend Annie highly enough. She is the without a doubt, the very best. Jessica Huie, Adviser to Prime Minister – Enterprise Britain. Worked under the wing of Simon Cowell 2001-2009.
Thank you Annie, you are an absolutely brilliant coach. Meg Matthews.
Annie has a practical, down to earth approach. Mica Paris
Annie is one of the best and if you seriously want to make changes, and take your life to the next level, Annie is the person to go to. Lynne Franks, PR Guru.
There are so many positives to co-parenting that I remain amazed at why people resist it so much that they would rather go to court and allow for a judge, a perfect stranger to the children, to decide where they will live, with whom and for how long.
Most parents are very, very capable of creating a parenting plan that’s just right for them and their little ones yet, they choose to be blinded by the anger and resentment that they feel towards their exes. They choose to allow these emotions to rule over the lives and destinies of their children
To be fair, it’s not easy to tame those hugely negative emotions and thoughts long enough to allow for a parenting plan to be created and it’s contents put in motion but it’s not impossible and it’s crucial to do so.
– A parenting plan means that you don’t have to go down the parenting route alone. There’s a reason why single parents long for “just 5 mins” to themselves. I love my girls dearly, but I still do long for “my” weekends and “my” holidays where I get time alone while they are with someone whom I know will give them the time of their lives because, whether I like it or not, he too loves them just as much as I do.
– Most things school are shared. Whatever issues, concerns and trouble come up, you don’t have to deal with on your own. Think of those huge school projects which your child can do with his other parent over the weekend.
– Best of all, co-parenting ensures that I will never have to answer any questions about daddy. They will grow up knowing him well. A parenting plan that is created with the children in mind allows for everyone to be happy.
If you don’t want to come face to face with your ex, then arrange for the exchange and transition to happen at school. You drop them off and he picks them up at the end of the day and vice versa.
Your divorce has happened. You have children. You both love them dearly and want to spend time with them. Well, unless there’s an issue around safety then creating a parenting plan can allow for this to happen.
If your mission is to make is as hard as possible for your ex to see the children for no other reason other than the fact that you hate him/her then realise that you are not doing your children any favours. Put yourself in their situation and for one minute try and imagine what they might be feeling or going through.
It may not be easy create that parenting agreement right now but it’s not impossible and can be massively, massively rewarding for all concerned, especially your little ones.
Make it easier on you and your children. Create that parenting plan and learn to embrace it, enjoy it and live it!
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
If your thinking of moving in together then this video is for you.
Not everyone wants to get married but loads do want to live together.
Luckily there are things that you can do to make sure that you and your partner are ok should anything happen to either of you in the eyes of the law.
Lots of people believe that marriage is just a piece of paper.
This might be so, literally, but it’s a very heavy piece of paper.
Watch this video with Austin Chessell a family mediator and solicitor with Feltons Solicitor and if you’re not planning on walking down the aisle then at least put some safeguarding measures for you and your partner in place.
Is marriage just a piece of paper?
Do marriage certificate matter much?
What is a cohabitation agreement?
Can children be included in the cohabitation agreement?
What happens after separation or death if there isn’t an agreement in place?
Where can I get a cohabitation agreement?
What about inheritance rights during cohabitation?
Is my partner protected in the event of my death?
What types of protection, for my partner and I, can I get if we decided not to get married?
Marriages fail, but what happens when one partner is adamant that a marriage should go on?
How do you deal with an ex-partner who is unable to accept that the relationship is over?
”It’s that easy’’ he said in a threatening voice. ‘’To be here; Waiting for you.’’
‘’Mum’’ I shouted ’’call the police.’’
I had returned home from work that afternoon, picking my mum up along the way for safety, fearing that my estranged husband was going to cause of trouble. But I had never imagined that he would do this.
Simon had bombarded me with threatening, angry calls and texts for most of the day and eventually I had switched my phone off and asked colleagues to tell him I was unavailable when he called my desk phone. I knew that this would make him angrier but I didn’t know what else to do.
Consequently I had been expecting him to be waiting for me somewhere, maybe near the river where I walked the dogs or outside the children’s nursery.
But inside the house; that had taken me completely by surprise and it scared me. I knew that I could no longer handle his behaviour alone. I needed to involve the police. I had tried speaking with his family but judging by his actions, they too were powerless to help him.
Mum and I had entered my home, still jointly owned by Simon and I, in total oblivion to the fact that he was there. His car hadn’t been outside; the door had still been locked and despite the dimming daylight there had been no lights on. Although Simon and I still owned the house together, the children and I were living there alone after he had eventually agreed to move out a few months previous.
I still don’t know why, but as I walked down the hallway I had an overwhelming urge to check inside the lounge. Nothing looked outwardly different but I felt uneasy.
Everything was fine; I was just being silly. But then, as my eyes finished running the full length of the sofa, I saw him; my husband, sat very calmly, directly behind the now fully opened door.
And that’s when he said those words that chilled me. The words that brought me to my senses and made me realise that I had to make this stop.
Ever since we had separated 5 months previous, Simon had struggled to accept it.
At first, he had just been a nuisance; phoning and texting continuously, regardless of the time of the day or night. I had tried to remain patient, hopeful that he would eventually wear himself out and accept that the relationship was over.
I knew that Simon did not want the marriage to end but I had stopped loving him and I couldn’t continue pretending any longer. For me, our separation was a relief, the start of a new beginning. For Simon it was a shock and the end of everything.
Very soon his behaviours escalated.
One morning I rushed out of the children’s nursery, jumped in my car and before I could start the engine Simon had got into the passenger seat.
‘’I really can’t talk now, I need to get to work” I said pleadingly.
Nothing I said could persuade Simon to return to his own car. Until, eventually, twenty minutes later, he got out.
Looking back I should have sounded the horn. The nursery car park was remote but staff inside would have heard me. But if I’m honest I didn’t really want to attract attention. As much as I wanted Simon out of my car I didn’t want everyone else knowing what was going on and I dreaded a scene.
Incidents like that continued. I started to constantly check behind me and I dreaded the sound of my phone. I tried doing things his way and I tried not. I tried being nice and I tried being blunt. Nothing seemed to work. If I did what he wanted, he expected more; if I didn’t do what he wanted he would make threats and pester until he got his own way.
I just wanted him to stop; to accept that the marriage was over and I blamed myself for not making him understand. His behaviour embarrassed me.
When you are stalked by someone that you know intimately, you feel responsible. You feel that you are to blame and you forget that they are accountable for themselves
‘’Just tell him to stop calling’’ friends would advise. ‘’Don’t give in to him’’
It wasn’t that easy though. Simon would use the children as bait. On evenings when he was picking them up from nursery he would turn up at my home.
‘’Lucy needs the toilet’’ he would shout through the letterbox ‘’She’s bursting.’’
At first I would let them in, unable to bear the thought of my children’s discomfort but of course once inside, Simon would refuse to leave. I would be stuck, trying to pretend that everything was okay for the children whilst desperately trying to persuade Simon to leave.
And after he had eventually left, the phone would start to ring. If I ignored the calls, he would return, banging at the door and shouting through the letterbox; a torrent of excuses. I would lock the doors from the inside to stop him gaining access but in reality, the property also belonged to him and I had little ground to stand on.
Looking back now I am absolutely amazed that I never consider myself a victim of stalking. I just alleged it to be a ‘difficult’ separation.
I wasn’t sure where love ended and stalking began; or how much time was fair of me to give him, or how many excuses I should offer for his actions?
Until that day.
And then something snapped and I knew that this was never going to stop unless I made it.
Simon wasn’t acting out of love. This was all about him. He felt entitled to my affection and entitled to be part of my life, regardless as to whether I wanted him to be or not.
The criminal justice system has worked hard over the last few years to help victims of harassment and stalking. New legislation has been introduced and Police Officers have been re-trained.
In 2008 things weren’t as straightforward. The first officers that attended the house said there wasn’t anything they could do; Simon was allowed inside his own property.
However, the following day when Simon again started to constantly phone me at work I re-contacted the police and this time they took action.
Furthermore, whilst they were conducting their investigation, things escalated.
Simon’s family had persuaded him to see a mental health professional. The doctor had become so concerned by Simon’s standpoint that he decided to break confidentiality in the interest of safety, and he too contacted the police.
Simon was arrested the following day and my situation was placed in the hands of the criminal system. I was protected by bail conditions, a home link alarm and, following a court case, a restraining order.
By the time the restraining order had expired the joint property had been sold and the children’s contact with Simon had been made subject to a court order.
I have been lucky.
The criminal justice system worked for me. Home Office statistics deem that 2 people are killed every week by a partner or ex-partner. My abuse was stopped before I was ever physically hurt or worse.
Names have been changed to protect the identities of the people involved.
Alli-Jayne is a divorced mother of 2, freelance writer and blogger who loves juggling raising children, keeping a home and most importantly, having fun.
She researches and writes news stories for local newspapers and is a regular contributor to the lifestyle sections of the national newspapers and magazines, both in print and online.
I came across this wonderful piece by Linda Gottlieb while browsing the internet. I was so touched by it because I know a few of my own friends who are still living through this period of parental alienation.
They long for the day that they will be able to do something as simple as help their children with homework.
I’m sure there are many other parental alienation success stories and I will keep looking for them so that we can share them with you.
To My Daddy
July 18, 2012 (Happy Birthday, Dad!)
So, Daddy, on your 92nd birthday, let us celebrate it by my telling all my Facebook friends how we reconnected.
I came to live with you in the Bronx after graduating Teaneck high School, New Jersey, in order to attend college at CCNY, which required New York City residency and was the only college plan available to me.
I moved in with you feeling great anxiety because I had been brainwashed to hate you.
I can remember that feeling as if it were yesterday. But I also remember that the hatred evaporated virtually overnight when you enveloped me with your love, your passion, your commitment, and your support.
Because of the PAS, my concentration and focus had unquestionably been compromised on my studies throughout middle school and high school.
As a result, my cognitive (and emotional) abilities were underdeveloped. Quite frankly, I do not know how I had been accepted into CCNY. But, Daddy, you quickly compensated for those deficits. You became my freshman tutor, and I believe we negotiated my freshman coursework together!
You inspired me, encouraged me, tweaked some of my work here and there, and refused to accept my insecurities.
What I particularly remember, as if it had also occurred yesterday, was my freshman English 101 class: for the first assignment, I had to write a composition about what I hoped to gain from the class.
You wrote the last sentence of that composition (the statue of limitations on cheating for that course has long passed!) as follows:
“Dear Professor, my goal for this class is therefore to avoid meeting you on the battlefield of the split infinitive, dangling participle, and misplaced modifier.”
I did not have the foggiest idea what those concepts meant! But in your infinite wisdom, Daddy, you recognized that it was imperative to teach me the meanings as you were sure my professor would question me about it.
And that is exactly what happened: he returned the composition stating that he had had a good chuckle upon reading it, and then stated that the class deserved to appreciate and chuckle about the composition as well.
He directed me to read the paper allowed to my classmates and then explain the meaning of the closing sentence.
Daddy, you became so enthusiastically supportive of my education in my freshman, that when I expected receipt of a grade on a paper, you would greet me at the front door upon my returning home, and you would ask me, “What did WE get?”
I would trade a year off my life for just one more composition to write together. I love you more today than yesterday. Happy Birthday, your appreciative daughter, Linda.
If you would like to know more about Linda please do visit her website – www.endparentalalienation.com
Click on the link below to get Linda’s book from Amazon
www.amazon.co.uk/Parental-Alienation-Syndrome-Collaborative-Amelioration/
With the wedding season approaching, many of us will find our social calendars brimming with vows for the remainder of the summer months, not to mention the investment in wedding attire, presents and supportive pre wedding celebrations.
As a family lawyer, I can’t help but wonder whether many of the happy couples have given a great deal of thought to what marriage means to them from a legal perspective.
Why would they?
Every couple enters into marriage with the absolute belief that marriage is for life – “until death do us part”. It’s always the last thing on most newlyweds’ minds to even consider the possibility of their relationship breaking down and the financial impact that may have in years to come?
The Law Commission have recently issued a report recommending that more information is provided to couples before they get married so they are aware the financial implications marriage can have.
It is a sad reality that modern day Britain sees a very large proportion of marriages ending in divorce. And with rates on the rise as a society, we do not appear to be getting any better at staying together.
Recent studies suggest that married couples who make it to their 10th wedding anniversary are more likely to avoid separation. But conversely figures are rising for the so called ‘silver separators’ who are experiencing an increase in divorce following retirement.
People divorce for many different reasons but the one thing all divorcing couples have in common is that on their wedding day they had usually have very little knowledge, if any, about the legal implication of their commitment.
So, what if, the unthinkable happens and separation is contemplated?
After pooling together resources, sharing a life together and often raising a family, the idea of dividing the hard earned assets built up during a marriage is an emotional and daunting exercise for many separated couples.
What was the family home often becomes a major point of dispute. Suddenly the inheritance received by one or other of the couple during the marriage becomes an asset to protect as do the pre-owned item and chattels which one or both might have brought with them.
What about the family business – how will that be affected? How can the ‘pot’ be split?
The answers to many of these questions will depend upon the extent of the financial resources at their disposal: the first step towards a fair outcome has to be for each spouse to tell the other what they have, what it is all worth and what they each earn.
The question is then how it could and should be shared. This is usually where an experienced family lawyer will ensure a fair arrangement is agreed in a constructive and amicable way.
If you have any reservations about the financial implications of marriage and the impact of a potential divorce, it is important to speak to a family lawyer and deal with any assets which you may wish to protect, such as family inheritance or a business.
It may be appropriate to enter into pre-nuptial agreements which are becoming a popular solution for many couples as they are now recognised in the English Courts.
So should we all know more about what we are entering into when getting married? Saying that there should be some legal guidance on this issue sounds very unromantic and I don’t want to put people off getting married, but I do think it’s important to know the implications of whatever endeavour we undertake so we can make informed decisions.
I have no doubt that for many of us marriage will continue to form the basis of our family units regardless of the legal implications.
But without wishing to give “something blue” to every marrying couple, would it not be better for everyone to know where they stand before saying “I do”?
Rachel is a Senior Associate in the Family Law Service at the city law firm Charles Russell LLP, based in the firm’s Guildford Office.
Charles Russell’s family team is within the magic circle of family lawyers and advise on domestic and international family law. Rachel specialises exclusively in family law and advises on all matters including divorce, civil partnership dissolution, pre-nuptial agreements, cohabitation and matters involving children.
Rachel has particular experience with high net worth financial cases, enforcement of matrimonial orders, cross jurisdictional maintenance disputes and appeals against the Child Maintenance Service.
Email: rachel.donald@charlesrussell.co.uk
Direct tel: 01483 252548
Let me tell you a story about someone I know personally.
He is a good dad, separated from his wife but sees his son as often as possible or when mum permits it.
His son, let’s call him Sammy, is now 10 years old. His parents separated when he was a toddler.
Sammy has never had a sleep over at his dad’s who lives less than an hour away and they have never been on holiday together. Mum always tags along.
She, however, can go on holiday without as much of a word to my friend and explain to Sammy that “Daddy said he doesn’t want to come.”
Since the separation, my friend he has been painted as the disciplinarian, the mean one, the one who is capable of abducting him.
When he is called over to fix the computer or put up shelves etc, my friend will rush over because he knows he will get to see his son.
It’s the comments from mum, while he is there, that really get to him. “Daddy does try to fix things but he really isn’t that good is he Sammy?”
“Look, daddy’s late again. He is always late. When will you make it on time just so that your son doesn’t have to be kept waiting?”
My friend receives calls from his ex-wife when their son misbehaves and needs to be disciplined.
He only gets to see his son when mum says it’s ok and for only a few hours because she is convinced and has managed to convince Sammy too, that my friend will abduct him.
She has even given her son skills on “how to get away from daddy incase he tries to take you away by force” and warned him against making daddy angry because he can get really mad!
My friend rarely knows what’s happening at school in terms of performances, sports days etc which means he is usually unable to attend. – “Daddy was busy.”
My friend has now taken to speaking with the school directly to get the information for himself.
On and on goes the “brainwashing” so it was no wonder that for the longest time Sammy very rarely looked forward to seeing daddy and spending anytime with him. Most of the time he would insist that mummy comes too – obviously as a means for him to feel safe.
Interesting thing is that, Sammy is now able to voice his feelings and ask questions that are bugging him. With the answers he is getting, the picture that his mother has painted for him all this time is beginning to look a little dubious and questionable.
Sammy is growing up.
How will his mother explain her actions and words to him. She interfered with their relationship and created a monster in Sammy’s eyes.
Before long, he will realise just what type of person she really is.
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Another one of Dr Phil’s videos here and this one is about parental alienation and you as the parent. It’s short but gets to the point.
What is the gift that you are giving your children today?
Some of the questions he asks include:
What is Parental Alienation Syndrome?
The Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is the systematic denigration by one parent by the other with the intent of alienating the child against the other parent. The purpose of the alienation is usually to gain or retain custody without the involvement of the father. The alienation usually extends to the father’s family and friends as well.
