Dr Soila Sindiyo

For the Toxic Parents

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Do you find yourself doing any of the following?  If so then you are most likely the toxic parent in the shared parenting relationship and will need to change things.

  1. Try and make your children choose between your ex and you?
  2. Withhold access because child support has not been paid?  Basically, hold your child hostage?
  3. Ask your child questions about the other parent’s lifestyle, activities or relationships?  You may think they don’t realise what you’re doing but they do.  “I don’t like mummy/daddy asking me questions about daddy when I get home,” is a statement that has been uttered way too many times.
  4. Discuss your personal problems with your child or with someone else but in their presence?
  5. Make promises you don’t keep.  If you cannot make it, let them know.  If you cannot deliver, let them know.  That hurts much less than consistent disappointment.
  6. Argue with the other parent in front of your child?
  7. Put down the other parent in front of your child?
  8. Physically harm, hurt the other parent in front of your child?
  9. Use your child as a messenger or mediator?  Or rely on him/her to solve issues between you and your ex?

Well if you answered yes to any of the above questions then be aware that you are indeed not doing your child any good, to put it mildly.

Actually, I don’t know why I am trying to put it mildly, I will just say it as it is.  You, I’m afraid, are harming your child!

No one sets out to be the unreasonable or toxic parent.  I know that divorce can and does bring out the worst in people.

The problem is, when there are children and these super negative emotions override any common sense, empathy, sympathy etc that you may have previously held and you are consumed by thoughts of how to make your ex’s life hell, you are also hurting your little ones.

I’m an ardent believer in both parents remaining in their children’s lives post-divorce.  That right there is the greatest gift that you can give your children when you separate.  Unless of course, other serious underlying issues make it impossible or dangerous for the children to spend time with the other parent.

If you are doing any of the above, please stop.  It’s not fair on them and only you are benefiting from those actions, if at all.

Take advantage of my 30-minute complimentary session because, really, sometimes that’s all it takes.

How are you handling your co-parenting?  I would love to know.

Hugs.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is a Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Parental Alienation with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown

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If you have ever wondered what the effects are on fathers who lose contact with their children after divorce or separation then listen to this 15 min recording of Louis De Bernieres’ conversation with Yasmin Alibhai-Brown on the one-to-one show on BBC radio 4

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes – 15 mins

I (Soila) have met parents who completely believe that their children are better off without the other parent.  Are you that parent?  It would be great to hear from you as it would to hear from parents who have lost contact with their children.

Unfortunately it’s a very common problem and sharing your views and stories might indeed help someone else who is living through parental alienation.

  • If you’re going through a divorce at the moment, you might want to listen particularly to the part on family mediation
  • You may also want to listen to this very informative interview with Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas on co-parenting and how to have a successful and workable co-parenting plan.
  • And finally read this blog on Children Need Both Parents.

“Yasmin divorced over twenty years ago, and – although happily re-married – often contemplates the fall-out of divorce, and the resulting emotional ripples which inevitably reach further than the separating couple. 

Last week Yasmin spoke to a grandmother who hasn’t seen her granddaughter for four years, and this week she speaks to the author Louis de Bernieres. He talks from the position he holds as patron of the charity Families Need Fathers, but also from the very personal point of view of a father of two children, who has now separated from their mother.”  Taken from BBC Radio 4

Families Need Fathers Charity

“Parental divorce or separation should not mean that children lose the love and care of one of their parents.

Families Need Fathers seeks to obtain, for the children, the best possible blend of both parents in the lives of children; enough for the children to realise that both parents are fully involved in their lives. Legally, parents should be of equal status.”  Taken from Families Need Fathers and you can find out more by clicking here – http://www.fnf.org.uk/about-us

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the creator of the 4.6 rated online course Parenting after Separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

You might be interested in

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