Dr Soila Sindiyo

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Why Abuse Victims Stay

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Leslie Morgan Steiner was in “crazy love” — that is, madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life.

Steiner tells the dark story of her relationship, correcting misconceptions many people hold about victims of domestic violence, and explaining how we can all help break the silence. (Filmed at TEDxRainier.)

Leslie lived for several years in an abusive relationship.  Why did she stay so long?  Why did she not just leave? Why Abuse Victims Stay

What are the stages in any domestic violence relationship?

  • Seduce and charm the victim
  • Isolate the victim
  • Introduce the threat of violence

This may even be your own story…

Biography courtesy of TEDTALK.COM

Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about her marriage to a man who routinely abused and threatened her. In it she describes the harrowing details that unfolded unexpectedly — from the moment she met a warm, loving, infatuated man on the subway, to the moment he first laid a hand on her, when he grabbed her neck just days before their wedding. Steiner also edited Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families, a collection of essays by women struggling to balance motherhood and their careers.

Steiner received her MBA in marketing from Wharton School of Business and worked in marketing for Johnson & Johnson before transitioning to writing, as General Manager of the Washington Post Magazine. Steiner writes a weekly column called “Two Cents on Modern Motherhood,” for the website Mommy Track’d, and she has just finished her third book, on the effect of fertility treatments on modern motherhood.

Related Posts:

 

If you believe you’re in a abusive situation and need help please find below some free services helplines and websites:

  • 24 hr National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247
  • Lesbian and Gay Helpline -0300 330 0630

 

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Your Pelvic Floor – Your Wellbeing

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Pelvic floor health is such an important part of our anatomy that we need to look after it as much as we do our hair, nails and other muscles in our bodies.

In this first video, we speak with the founder of PelFix, Livia Nemeth, a biologist with an MSc in Molecular Biology & Biochemistry and extensively educated in human anatomy and physiology with  a diploma in pelvic floor education, as she speaks advices us on how to keep strong and healthy.

Today Livia, teaches both men and women how to exercise their pelvic floor muscles.

Livia is the founder of PelFix®

In this video, Livia talks about men’s health too.

  • Does stopping mid-flow help in strengthening the pelvic floor muscles?
  • How long does the course take and what does it entail?
  • What if I had a c-section or have never given birth, do I still need to exercise my pelvic floor?
  • How often should you do the exercises?
  • What’s the best position to adopt in order to benefit most from the pelvic floor exercises?

 Livia tells us her story about how she came to work in this field.

  • A weak pelvic floor muscle doesn’t only cause stress in continence but if you suffer from haemorrhoids, did you know that this could be due to a weak pelvic floor muscle?
  • What are the everyday habits that we perform that can contribute to a weak pelvic floor muscle?
  • It’s not just about exercising but about making it part of your lifestyle.
  • How many sessions are needed and what does it involve?
  •  What are the signs of a weak pelvic floor? 

Twitter: @pelvicfitness

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The Top Five Myths About Pelvic Floor Exercises

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Livia is the founder of PelFix®

Talking to many women – and men – about pelvic floor exercises I hear many reasons why people think they don’t need to do them or won’t benefit from them.

Here are the most common myths and misconceptions I hear regarding pelvic floor exercises. 

Myth 1:  A quick clench can do it

There’s a common view that if you quickly clench your muscles whilst standing at the bus stop, sitting in the car, or waiting for the kettle to boil, that’s all you have to do.  Although my technique for exercising the pelvic floor is fairly easy, it isn’t that easy! There’s more to it than a quick clench.

Leaving aside the question of whether or not you are clenching the right muscles, and how often these exercises should be repeated, a key problem with the ‘quick clench’ approach is the idea that it can be done in a vertical position: either standing or sitting.

Vertical positions are NOT recommended when doing pelvic floor exercises.

Standing or sitting impedes the flow of blood in the lower abdominal area. If blood pools up in the pelvic veins this can lead to haemorrhoids and/ or varicose veins:  in the vagina or vulva in women, the penis or testicles in men.

Also, when you are in a vertical pose the weight of your abdominal organs puts pressure on the pelvic floor muscles. This means you can’t contract your muscles as much as you could in a horizontal pose; plus muscle relaxation will not be as effective.

Myth 2. I do Pilates/ I practice yoga

Pilates and yoga do involve the pelvic floor muscles, but not to any great extent.

To really get the benefits of pelvic floor exercises it’s worth doing a complete PF education programme. This will teach you everything from the basics of anatomy and physiology to a detailed PF exercise routine; all with a clear focus.

I believe it is vital to understand exactly what pelvic floor exercises are all about.

In my PelFix sessions I carefully explain how the pelvic floor muscles work, where they are located and what their function is. Then I teach a series of exercises, starting with simple movements and gradually moving on to more complex and challenging movements and combinations of movements.

This is the best way to get people to truly understand and experience what the pelvic floor muscles are capable of. Yoga and pilates sessions have many excellent benefits but they are very unlikely to cover pelvic floor exercises in this level of detail.

 Myth 3.  I know to stop the flow

People with continence issues may be advised to see if they can stop their flow of urine when they are on the loo.

The reason for this advice is often misunderstood.

Stopping mid flow is a useful way of identifying your pelvic floor muscles, and measuring their effectiveness, but it is NOT an exercise.

If you repeatedly stop yourself mid flow you can increase the risk of urinary tract infections and you might find you can no longer completely empty your bladder.

Myth 4. I’ve got an vaginal exerciser to do it for me

Some people use vaginal exercisers/vaginal cones/vaginal weights.

These were popular a few years ago when we were first becoming aware of our pelvic floor muscles. But we now know much more about the PF muscles and the best way of exercising them.

Like all muscles PF muscles need to be warmed up before strength training and stretched afterwards. When you use weights or other instruments you miss these important steps. You can end up with shortened and tight pelvic floor muscles that lack flexibility. 

Myth 5. I’ll do it after childbirth

Pregnant women often say this. In fact, childbirth is a lot easier if the muscles are appropriately prepared.

Strong and flexible muscles can expand more, so tears are less likely to occur. Also, exercising may help prevent pelvic organ prolapse, vaginal laxity (and the flatulence that accompanies it), stress incontinence and haemorrhoids.

If you are pregnant you are likely to be fully focused on the baby but it’s important to care about your own body too. PF exercises only take a few minutes a day, so don’t put it off.

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Boudoir Poses

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Boudoir Poses
Sharon Simpson
Boudoir Photographer

To celebrate the upcoming holiday Mother’s Day we thought about some gifts we mums could give ourselves or request from others:-)

So we begin with BOUDOIR PHOTOGRAPHY and we had the pleasure of speaking with Sharon a wonderful boudoir photographer about boudoir photography and the joys of it all.  But be careful, you may just become a boudoir diva in the process!

You probably ask, “What is boudoir photography and artistic photography?” Well Sharon will tell you all about it.

Sharon is one of the best photographers in the world of boudoir photography with a wonderful boudoir gallery on her website.

Her work includes:

  • black and white photography
  • plus size boudoir photography
  • boudoir ideas
  • boudoir wedding photography
  • boudoir poses and boudoir photography poses

“If I could create an experience for women to feel beautiful, sexy, sensual and valued I would, but I don’t have to because it already exists in boudoir photography.” – Sharon Simpson

Her work includes some amazing boudoir images.

You can follow Sharon here Twitter

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Heartbroken Quotes and Story

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Emma Gibbs is a writer, producer, organiser and storyteller.

“Emma Gibbs is a writer, producer, organiser and storyteller.From dystopian futures and undersea adventures to marriage equality and other matters of the heart, Emma’s passion is to tell truly great stories across all platforms.” Tedx

Here’s hoping that Emma Gibbs’ talk will help!

How Being Heartbroken was the Best Thing to Ever Happen to Me.

5 heartbroken quotes for you:

 

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. — Mark Twain

 

The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…– Nicholas Sparks

I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today – Charlotte Eriksson

 

Think about any attachments that are depleting your emotional reserves. Consider letting them go – Oprah Winfrey

I’ve been on the floor and I’ve been heartbroken. I didn’t know how I was going to stand up. But I just gave it time – Sandra Bullock

 

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Broken Homes, Broken Children?

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Dealing with Divorce Pain
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I recently read the above title somewhere cannot recall where.  It was a piece on divorce and children and the effects of divorce on children.

I have to say that the title did upset me somewhat because I’m so tired of hearing how divorce almost definitely messes children up.  I know it can mess children up, I write about it and work in that whole area, but I am here to say that divorce doesn’t necessarily have to end up with broken children.

The way I look at it is that divorce doesn’t necessarily have to bring about everlasting damage to children.  Yes, I know it can but it doesn’t have to. As I often say, the divorce is not the point to focus on it’s how it’s handled.

To those people who are totally convinced that it can do so much harm that they would rather stay in an unhappy, abusive relationship than put their children through the experience of divorce with the possible end result of them having a more peaceful existence please do think again.

I am not advocating for divorce and I am not here to encourage you to end your relationship.  I am here to ask, if your situation is unbearable to you , imagine what it is like for your little ones.

To this day my two exes and I are good friends.  Our children see each other and celebrate birthdays and have sleepovers together.  They know each other and we, the adults, respect each other.

Broken homes
While taking the guidance into account, the court’s paramount concern will always be the child’s welfare.

The divorce process with my first marriage was hard and acrimonious but despite what we felt for one another be it anger, hate or sheer resentment, our daughter stayed our focus.

We would still attend school functions together and communicate anything to do with school and extra-curricular activities.

Yes, the divorce was hard on her but it was handled in a way where the “could-have-been” permanent repercussions were either eliminated or eased by the way we handled the whole process between us.

So yes, divorce can bring on broken children but broken homes can also be found in places where there is one home where everyone lives under the same roof.

You can have two very happy intact homes for the children to return to time and time again or you can have one very unhappy home that the children dread living in.

Divorce, if handled properly and with the children in mind doesn’t have to mean broken children.

That has been my experience (twice).  What has yours been?

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Divorce and Anger – Don’t Make Decisions While the Engine is Hot!

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Dealing with Divorce Pain
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

That’s what I heard my dad telling one of his friends one time, I think I might have been in my early teens and it just stuck with me.  I didn’t understand it then, but I do now.

When you find yourself convulsing with anger, don’t make any decisions.  NONE, especially where children are involved.  Because chances are that that decision will not only be a wrong and specious one but it will be one that will end with negative repercussions that your children may have to live with for the rest of their lives.  

Divorce and anger go hand in hand – that’s a fact.  

As Benjamin Franklin said,

“Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”

One of the things that can be badly damaged by decisions made in anger during divorce include the ability to reach a co-parenting plan that will have the children in mind and that will be conducive to their welfare and development.

You might find that you are so angry with your ex or your future-ex-to-be that you want to do nothing more than punish him/her by limiting of flat out denying the him/her contact with the children.

Having said this it is also important to keep in mind that the origins of anger are  hurt, fear and a reaction to threats.

What is the origin of your anger?  Know it and you will most likely be able to take more control of it.

The answers to the following questions might be able to help you:

  • What is the origin of your anger?  The answer to this could be anything relating personally to you.  But one thing I would like to point out here is very much related a form of therapy called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

Very simply put, your thoughts, feelings and behaviour are all linked.  You cannot have one without the other.  So what you think will definitely have an effect on how you feel and what you do.  Try it and see.  The next time you get angry or you feel yourself getting angry check what your thought was just before this emotion began to rise in you.Divorce and anger

  • How do you know that you are getting angry?  The answer to this question is usually related to physical symptoms.  Some people feel their palms getting sweaty, their temples begin to throb or they feel it in their belly.  Once you know how to detect your anger rising, then you are on the way to being able to control it other than it controlling you.
  • How do you behave when you are angry?  What do you say or do?
  • And of course the usual talk it through with someone who cares about you enough not to fan your flames of anger.  Someone who will keep you calm and objective – and no, that doesn’t include your children, no matter how old they are.

Being able to answer these questions is much easier than it seems.  What is hard is to put your “new” knowledge into practice but if you can just keep going at it, checking your thoughts and recognising the rise of anger within you, then it will become standard practice in time.

So before you make that decision or you say those words, stop, sleep on it and then come back to it when the engine is not hot – when you are in a better, much calmer place.

Remember again – “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”

Warm hugs,

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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we pay attention to each partner’s parental couple as an internal object,

Counselling for Life after Separation

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Jonny Sibbring
Jonny Sibbring  Counsellor and Member of the BACP

Separation has become increasingly common and unfortunately people are usually unprepared for the consequences. The end of a relationship can be a very painful experience for all concerned.

There are many possible causes for the breakdown in relationships, and sometimes going your separate ways feels like the only option.

If you have arrived at this point, things can look very bleak. Knowing you can’t go on being with someone but not knowing how to live without them can be a very overwhelming situation to be in.

It might feel like you have dug yourself into a hole that you can’t get out of. Often, the decision to divorce or separate is not a joint one, and one person is left behind. In this case the feelings of abandonment and loss can feel quite crippling.

If you are experiencing divorce, I would argue that you are dealing with grief. Usually with added feelings of rejection and heartbreak. You might wish that you could swiftly brush all these feelings away, but by taking away all the pain you would miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing.

Understanding the reasons for the break-down, addressing the loss and other negative feelings is crucial in the journey of ‘moving on’. It’s ok to give yourself time to work through this. You should allow yourself the space to pick up the pieces and think about future.

If you are experiencing rejection you may be angry. Anger can help motivate you to work on improving your life. However, if it continues it can cause you to fall into the trap of bitterness. Working through your anger will be essential in order to grow and move past the resentment.

For many people experiencing a separation the question becomes, “now what?”  It is not the end of the road. It may not be what you would have chosen, but there are still positive choices you can make as you deal with your new situation.

How counselling can help

broken heart with plaster
Counselling for Life after Separation

Seeking counselling at this point can be a huge step in the right direction. Counselling offers a chance to try and make sense of what has happened. Self-reflection will be encouraged; this can bring about positive change and a fresh perspective.

Many people perceive a separation as a personal failure. Therapy can help you to work through those feelings and make sense of the end of a relationship. It can be an opportunity to grow and become a stronger person. This will help you in future relationships. It’s about tackling the issues that are troubling you the most and taking control of your life.

Impact on Children

Therapy can also be critically important for children experiencing a divorce situation. When their parents are separating children may feel guilt, loss, and overwhelming confusion. They may struggle with loyalty and worry that they are the cause of the divorce. Children should receive support for all of the issues that arise as a result of a divorce in order to process their emotions and move forward in a healthy and constructive way.

How to find a counsellor

Counselling may be available for free on NHS through your GP, as well as registered charities such as Mind. However, there may be long waiting lists to access these services. Many counsellors are self-employed and work with clients privately. There’s a cost involved with this; however, there will be advantages.

Private Counsellors are likely to have more flexibility with appointment times. They’ll also be able to offer an open-ended amount of sessions, so you can finish counselling when you feel good and ready. Many private practice counsellors are well aware of the financial constraints faced by students and are happy to negotiate a lower fee, making counselling much more affordable.

The best place to look for self-employed counsellors is on the internet. Most will have websites, as well as profiles on directories specifically for counsellors and psychotherapists. These include:

Counselling Directory

It’s Good To Talk

Pink Therapy (For LGBTQ people)

These directories require the counsellors on their list to be registered with an accrediting counselling body and provide details of their qualifications and insurance. It will be on the counsellor’s profile pages where they’ll state if they offer a reduced price for students and low-income earners.

If you’re interested in having counselling it may be a good idea to get in touch with a few counsellors and/or services to enquire about price, location, availability and experience, as well as asking questions you might have about counselling in order to see which is the best fit is for you.

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Children of Divorce – Conflict and its Effects

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Arguing or disagreeing with your partner is not unusual, it’s a normal part of life.

It happens and will continue to happen as long as you’re together. Yes, I know there are some of you out there who say you “never” have disagreements.  Not sure how you do it but there you go…

Your children will see this happen but they will also see you make up and continue with your life and love as you wish.

These arguments, disagreements and make-up sessions teach your children a lot including that not only do people disagree and argue but they can also make up and continue with their day.  Such is life really.

But when we speak of conflict, where things get nasty and personal, where it’s not just words that are used as weapons but bodies and objects as well, then we wreak havoc in the lives of our little ones.

And in case you’re wondering, stonewalling or giving each other the silent treatment is no better way of dealing with these situations.  It is still very distressing.  As most people know by now, even little babies can feel the tension in the atmosphere.

When children are struggling and don’t quite get what is going they very often will show their distress in behaviour rather than words.

Whether you’re living together or not, doesn’t matter.  If you know that your child is growing up in an environment where conflict is part of his/her regular life then below is a list of behaviours that you might need to be aware of:

Children of Divorce:

  • Increased clinginess
  • Increased fears and insecurities
  • Low self-esteem
  • A lack of belonging, feeling lost
  • No impulse control – so whereas he/she was dry before, they have now started to wet themselves be it in the night or in the day
  • Feelings of helplessness
  • Exhibiting aggressive behaviour
  • Yelling at other kids  – trouble at school including performance
  • Feeling fearful, unsure of the future
  • Embarrassed to bring friends over
  • Physical symptoms such as stomach aches
  • Loss of or increased appetite
  • Trouble sleeping or remaining asleep
  • Increased restlessness

Thing is when children grow up seeing and experiencing conflict it does change who they are, it does change their world and the way they see it and relate to it.

If you’re going through divorce and it’s proving to be a high conflict one then find ways of protecting your children from as much pain and hurt as possible.

If you are concerned that your child has been negatively affected by the on-going or past conflict, then begin by acknowledging this with them.  Tell them that you understand it has been hard on them and that you wish it had never happened.

There is so much power in words and acknowledging their pain can ease so much of that burden that the carry.  Then find other ways to keep the conflict at bay.

If you think they need to work it through with someone then do find someone who can help.  This person could be at school or a peer who’s been through the same situation or a professional.

Handled properly, they can overcome this experience, handled badly they will be one of those children whom way into adulthood, continue to live with the repercussions of their parents’ divorce. – see here – helpingchildrencope.co.uk

I always say, it’s not the divorce that counts, it’s how it’s handled.

Hugs,

Soila

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society and Affiliate member of Resolution.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Successful Co-Parenting A Child’s View

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The Successful Co-Parenting program was created by Ohio State University Extension for parents going through divorce. It aims to teach parents how to co-parent together cooperatively for the benefit of their child. This video was created to use with the program to help show parents some of the feelings their child may be going through during this time. 

Youtube – Ohio State University.

 

It would be great to know what you think of this video.

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How to Deal with Divorce on different levels over and over again – Part II

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Cont’d from part one – www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk – How to Deal with Divorce

Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

And I finally understood, why he was suffering from anxiety. Why he could not bear to be alone anywhere in the house, he always needed someone with him. I finally got the depth of his fear, even though it annoyed me, having him follow me every step of the way, like a baby. He always needed that reassurance.

All he wanted, was a MAN in the house. Someone to protect him, someone to be strong, someone to be around. I could give him love and care, all wonderful female energies, alas I am no man and never intend to be, and he so missed that male side. Yes he has an older brother, but this is not the same, and also not fair on the oldest child to play Dad.

This whole argument was never about his Dad per se, but about a male role model in his life. Preferably one that lives in his house too. His Mom being single, there was no prospect in sight, so he hoped his Dad would come to his rescue.

Also of course the only wish kids of divorced parents have, is that their parents are getting back together. That wish never really goes away. The happy family dream is deep down within all of us. And kids try anything to bring that wish to fruition.

I also learnt, that we all learn the same lesson again, over and over, maybe on a new level.

So when my little one was 5, and we split up, he learnt the lesson of living life as a child of divorced parents on the level of a 5 year old.

While I wrongly assumed a lesson learnt is a lesson learnt…., he learnt to live the life of a child of divorced parents anew when he was 9 years old, on the level and understanding of a 9 year old.

I know, that there will be more levels, he and I need to sail through in the future.

This time around I might be prepared, and less annoyed with life and myself. I know, that this is just a part of development, and I will be proud of my child having developed again. I am relieved, he was happy to share this all with me, it is a sign of trust, and of the relationship we have built and share.

Dealing with divorce
Dealing with Divorce on different levels over and over again

Yes of course it would be nice, if his father would be more involved, or more of an emotional help. Alas this is not the case, and I have accepted this, and enjoy the freedom this brings also. Yes I am fully responsible; alas I don’t have to always get an ok either. Very liberating.

So dear Reader, please know, that certain things can come round and round, don’t be devastated, this is natural, and just shows progress. Imagine how we each climb up on a spiral, and that each time we come to a certain point, we get to work on the same problem again, alas on a higher level. Be happy in the trust your children show in you, believe in your endless ability of patience and love, and all will be well in the end. Enjoy the ride, and cling on to each other, when the boat rocks, you will find smoother water soon enough again.

Never mind the fact that all of my three kids tell me, that they never want to get married. This is also a fact of life, and they are still young, and we will see, whatever works for them. Right now they might be disillusioned, alas later on, they might be more realistic about the while marriage myth, when they do enter marriage, if that is ever up for them.

I am proud of what we became, and how my kids deal with it all, despite of or because of an absent Dad.

I fully trust, that we are all on a deep learning curve, and all will be well, and that all is the way it is supposed to right now.

Wishing you the trust in your life and the certainty, that all is well.

Remember, you are at the right place at the right time.

warm hugs

Caroline

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Dealing with Divorce on Different Levels Over and Over Again

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Life doesn’t always go the way you want or plan that it will go. It moves at its own pace, which is usually faster or slower than you would like it to. It moves in its own direction. That’s life! You can try to make life move, or you can move in the flow of life.

Iyanla Vanzant

 

Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

It was my youngest 9th birthday. We’ve been separated for over 3 years by then. I was confident all my children had dealt with the issues, and that all was well. I felt like we have come through the worst, and that it was only smooth sailing from then on, that we have all accepted the new situation and could move on.

He hasn’t seen his Dad in over a year, and he was overjoyed to go out for dinner with him, to celebrate his 9th birthday. I was very happy for my son, that he will see his Dad again, and knew he will have a great time. Dad picked him up after school and took him to his office, where they were hanging around till Dinner time. What a great excitement for my little son.

When he returned home that evening he was very excited, and shared his new toys, and brought home left over Pizza ‘Mom the very best Pizza ever’ he exclaimed. I was so happy for him, and so glad it all went well with his Dad. Good, finally a start to a new father-son relationship, I hoped.

Then my little boy started to talk ‘crazy’

‘Mom, there are pictures of you all over in Dad’s office’

‘Mom, Dad really cares about you’

‘Mom, Daddy still loves you’

‘Mom when will you and Daddy be back together?’

And on and on he went in his full excitement. I couldn’t believe my ears. Where did this all come from? I was devastated, I was exhausted, and I was disappointed, yes I was. I felt like we went through hell and back for nothing, as we are right back there, all over again.

I was heartbroken, seeing the sparkles in my son’s eyes, knowing, I will be the one to burn all his hope. I wasn’t sure what really happened, and I just knew, I had to bring my son back to hard reality, I had to be very blunt and absolutely truthful.

I was angry, I admit, at my Ex for not being honest, for being too afraid to burst this dream. Once again, I was left with delivering the bad news. I wished once in my life, I would get some kind of support, alas not this time.

I took my son, who was over excited, over sugared, hyped up on Coca Cola and too happy to ride his fantasy to have his deepest wish become true. I felt his pain, I could see the old wound, I could feel his loss, and I knew, I have to be absolutely honest and truthful. How awful to devastate his dreams, but it had to be done.

I held him close, I looked into his eyes, and I told him ‘Son, I know, how much you miss your Dad, I know how much you want a happy family, and I understand that, and I wish it would be different too, BUT Mom and Dad will never ever be together again’

dealing with divorceHe looked at me, I saw his eyes turn, I saw the tears and I felt the anger come up, and I dealt with the blow, his sorrow and his hurt. I listened to his accusations, his pain and his anger.

I knew deep down, that he was just hurt, and he was only angry at me, for blowing his dream, he didn’t really mean what he was saying then, it was just all coming out of him.

I just sat there and let it all wash over me, and then I let him run off to his room, I didn’t mind him banging the door, and I let him cry it out, get it out of his system. I knew, when he was ready he would come down again. I learnt from other experiences, that he needs his time on his own, and that after the storm there is time for a hug.

When he finally came down, he climbed onto my lap, we had a very very long hug, and we just were, deeply understanding and loving, and I was very grateful for my children, that I was part of their life, and that they were around me all the time.

I was thinking of all the mothers out there, who could not do so, and I was humbled and happy and very very grateful. Yes I had to deal with all the pain and I had to be the one explaining things, and yes sometimes I got tired of my 24/7/365 job, but deep down, I knew, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

I wanted to be here for my kids, and if that meant to take the blow, if life isn’t going the way the kids want, then I take it. If it means that my 9 year old is acting like a terrible two again, that is ok. We are all humans, and I am so grateful I am part of their life.

We talked again, and I told him, I understand how much he misses his Dad, and that I wish it would be different, but that I can’t change it. He cried some more, and on and on

We watched a TV series, where he commented on several male actors, how they would be a great dad, and later he said

‘Mom, I just wish I had A dad’

 The 2nd part of Caroline’s story can be found here – Dealing with Divorce Part 2

Caroline Palmy

Find more articles by Caroline here – Caroline at The Divorce Magazine

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