Loss
– By Wendy Cope –
The day he moved out was terrible —
That evening she went through hell.
His absence wasn’t a problem
But the corkscrew had gone as well.
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Someone once said, that you know you have moved on when you can laugh at some of the things that made you mad in the past.
So we collected a bunch of divorce quotes which we think are (almost) funny for you.
Hope you enjoy (some of ) them
- My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never. ~ Jack Benny
- Ah, yes, divorce . . . from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.~ Robin Williams
- You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they’re worth it. ~ Henny Youngman
- What is the main cause of divorce? Marriage
- In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of the publicity. ~ Lauren Bacall
- Getting divorced just because you don’t love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. ~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
- My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That’s what happens when you haven’t been home in eighteen years. ~ Lee Trevino
- Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That’s scary. If the smartest guy in the world can’t figure out women, we’re screwed. ~ Jay Leno
- A friend of mine recently divorced his wife after 37 years. He said he was looking for a some-sex relationship. ~ Greg Tamblyn
- Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left. ~ Jean Kerr
- It’s tough. After five years of marriage, it’s difficult to lose the one with the good credit rating. ~ Rich Voss
- One of the hardest things in the world is pretending to be surprised that a friend is getting divorced. ~ Julius Sharpe @juliussharpe
- Maturity is recalling the outrageous things your former spouse did to upset you, then turning over and going to sleep. ~ Eileen Dight
- An open marriage is nature’s way of telling you that you need a divorce ~ Ann Landers
- “What happened? Satan was busy?” ~ Sam Kinison on finding out his wife had hired lawyer Marvin Mitchelson to represent her in her divorce case against him.
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I have worked with children and families for several years now.
Lately, most of my clients have been parents going through divorce; some are concerned about their children’s change in behaviour while others have been court ordered to attend the Triple P (Positive Parenting Program) course which I run.
There are also those parents who are about to embark on the divorce process, or separation, who want to know how to handle the “announcement” for the children’s sake.
The 7 parent practices that I mention below are for any parents going through divorce or separation.
You may be right at the start of the divorce process or right bang in the middle, either way these are some crucial tips that will play a role in helping children cope with divorce… and ultimately, you too.
Don’t alienate the other parent from the children. Don’t become the toxic parent. However much you feel enraged by what your ex did, didn’t do or is doing to you, don’t interrupt his or her relationship with the children.
It doesn’t help your children in any way. All it does is aggravate the already demanding emotional and mental journey that they are living through.
Most parents are happy to say, “I will do anything for my children.”
So can you do this? Can you allow them to continue having a relationship with their other parent despite how you feel? Can you give them that?
Don’t project a personal agenda onto your child. Don’t use your children to get something from your ex.
Completely keep your children out of your divorce or separation plans and goals. Don’t use them as messengers, spies or mediators so that you can get more information that will then work in your favour.
They don’t like this and when you question them when they come back home after spending time with their other parent, they know what you’re doing and it puts them in a very, very difficult position.
If you don’t want your ex-partner to know something about you and your new personal life, then keep it away from your children. Don’t tell them, show them etc and then ask them to keep it a secret from daddy or mummy. Exactly where are they supposed to put it except inside they minds, hearts and thoughts. Then what?
That’s not fair on them at all. It may work for you, but it hurts them. You don’t want anyone else to hurt your children, then don’t it yourself.
When parents make their children feel guilty for having fun with the other parent, your children may begin dreading coming home to you as they won’t be able to share their day’s fun with you. They know it will only hurt you so they don’t talk about it.
Or what they may do, is tell you how horrid it was or how bored they were with the hope of making you feel better or good that they missed you or whatever and it may work for a bit until they learn that you brought up their “terrible” experience when you spoke with your solicitor and tried to use it as a means of limiting the amount of time your ex spends with the children.
Truth is, unless you avoid projecting a personal agenda onto your children, they will definitely be left picking up the tab for you running an emotional agenda. Is this what you want for them if it means you get what you want?
Don’t tell your children about the legal details. They really don’t need to know how much child maintenance your ex is paying you for instance.
How does that information help them? If they ask, then be the parent and tell them that, that is something between you and their mum or dad.
I’ve worked with parents who provide their children with so much legal information and then they wonder why their child’s behaviour toward the other parent is changing for the worse or why they are unable to concentrate in school.
I recall the story of a child who would sit in class with his blazer on ready to leave because anytime the house would be sold and they would need to move far away.
Or the one who would frequent the school nurse’s office with frequent stomach pains. The school nurse soon realised that these visits coincided with court dates. The child was always informed when his parents where going to court something he didn’t need to know about. All it did was make him sick, literally, with worry and anxiety. His parents had made it clear that it was the judge who was going to decide whom he was to live with.
Don’t tell your children about your spouses secrets. Again, what would be the reason for doing this other than try and score points with your children and get back at your ex?
How do you think they feel when you tell them something so deep about their mother or father. Do you believe that it washes off them like water off a duck’s back or do you imagine that it sinks in and just unsettles their inner being for a very long time?
Of course doing so will hurt and anger your ex to no end – and I can only imagine that would be your goal – but truth is it will hurt, confuse, embarrass and cause unnecessary suffering to your children and for what?
Don’t denigrate your child’s other parent in your child’s presence or within her earshot. Avoid, at all costs, making negative comments about your ex as a means of earning your child’s support or proving a point.
It may work for you while they are little but they do grow up and they will see for themselves what game you were playing. What will you say then?
Avoid marital conflict in front of your child. Of course this is easier said than done because at times, you just want to scream, swear and yell back and then slam the door shut or throw the phone out of a moving car!
And it will happen. And when it does, it’s really ok to apologise to your child for having put them through that experience. Acknowledge that you did wrong. That goes a long way in making them feel safe again.
But if it’s the order of the day, if conflict is a certainty at practically every exchange or transition, then you will need to find an alternative. Arguing and fighting in front of your children changes who they are.
Can you imagine how anxious they begin to feel just at the thought that you and your ex are about to come face to face at the exchange?
One parent told me how his 7 year old had started insisting that she be dropped off at the end of road so she can walk to her mother’s alone. This little girl was willing to fight her own fear of walking alone so as to avoid seeing her parents in conflict.
If you constantly argue and fight, once it’s over and you each go your own way, try and think how your child is feeling before, during and even hours after it’s over. If it’s close to bedtime, how will this affect their sleep. Now realise that they feel like that at every exchange at every thought of his parents meeting up.
Don’t use child as your support system. I’m unable to count the number of times I have heard parents tell me that if it wasn’t for the support they get from their child, they don’t know what they would do.
Coping with divorce and separation is your job as the adult. Helping children cope with divorce and separation is your job as the parent.
This is the time that you as a parent needs to show up. You need to provide a secure and caring environment for your child so that he or she can continue being the child that she is by you being the parent that you need to be.
Your children need the space to grieve the loss of their family (and more) as they knew it. They need to know that when they come home or when you come home, they can lean on you, ask you questions, cry if they need to and demonstrate their anger and frustration when they feel like it.
They need to do all this so that they can move on emotionally and mentally.
So find your own support system. Find people whom you can call on to be there for you, be they family, friends or professionals. Look after you and you will be able to look after your little ones at this time when they need you most.
ABOUT SOILA
Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Practitioner, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.
Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.
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That you and your ex are going through a breakup is a huge deal for your children no matter what age including infants and toddlers.
One thing you need to know about infants is that not only are they extremely sensitive to their environment but they are also very much aware when someone, whom they have been seeing frequently, is no longer available or present. (There is plenty to say about the 0 – 3 year olds and divorce but that’s a whole other article).
The thing with divorce or separation is that it is one of those times when your parenting skills and abilities are tested to the limit!
Here you are busy going through a hellish, challenging time that is possibly preoccupying your every thought and time of your day, while simultaneously being expected to be the best parent you can ever be because your children need you to show up even more.
Here’s how you can do that in 5 essential steps:
Listen, understand and love: One of the first important elements of divorce or separation is to acknowledge and accept that the break-up will affect your child. How much will depend on how you and the other parent deal with it and with each other.
Really listen to your children when they speak. Are there any recurring themes that they are not directly asking or talking to you about? Is there a particular game that your young child plays over and over again that might be divorce-related?
One six-year-old would dress her dolls up ready to go out when their dad came to pick them up. He never showed.
It is ok and actually recommended that you tell them that you understand that this is not an easy time for them and keep telling them that you love them and that you are there for them.
Show them love as often as possible. This doesn’t mean spending long blocks of time with them, a hug here and there, kind words and positive attention can go a long, long way.
Communicate: Answer their questions. During the divorce process, children will have questions about the divorce or separation. They will want to know how it will affect their lives. What is going to change?
Speak frankly and honestly with them but avoid involving them in adult matters or providing them with unnecessary hurtful details.
Without answers, children will allow their imagination to provide them with explanations and interpretations that they so need and we all know who imaginative children can be. If they ask you a question that you have no answer to, then tell them so.
Self-observe: This is a tough time that you are all going through. You will make parenting mistakes, not one but a few.
Being aware of your feelings, thoughts, words and actions can help you deal with and react to most things that come your way. Are you alienating the other parent by what you say and do while the children are present? Are you being civil with the other parent or able to put your own feelings aside for the sake of the children?
Did you know that your thoughts affect your feelings which then affect your behaviour? These three parts of you are so intertwined that not feeling a certain way due to a thought you have had is almost impossible which then means that you will behave or react to that thought in a way that correlates with the thought.
So be mindful of your feelings, thoughts and actions – in what you say and what you – do especially if your children are present or within earshot.
Seek professional help and support: When you are not sure, ask. Ask a professional for support and guidance. This is definitely not the time to try and do things yourself. Have a psychotherapist or counsellor work with you and if you are struggling with behavioural problems with your child, work with a parenting practitioner to help you continue parenting your child positively through this time.
Be your child’s compass: Remember that you are not your child’s only influence so you better be the best. As mentioned earlier, this is the time that your children will need you the most – someone to guide them and keep their lives as steady as possible.
Keep them in the fold and bring them back with they wander off – very common with teenagers. They will look to you for what’s right and if they cannot find it, they might look elsewhere.
As I often say, divorce or separation will always be an important time in your child’s life, but what is even more crucial is how you and your ex handle the divorce process and your lives after separation. Let it be an experience they went through at some point in their lives. Don’t allow it to become an experience that defines them and their future adult relationships.
ABOUT SOILA
Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, a Parenting Practitioner, an accredited Triple P practitioner, a Certified Trauma Specialist and a trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.
Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.
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Here are some quotes that we hope will help you in coping with divorce.
One that we haven’t included but remains a favourite with us here at TDM is from the incredible and formidable Maya Angelou:
“Nothing works unless you do”
When all is said and done, at some point, you do have to decide to get better and to really do so you will need to work at it in one way or the other.
Here are our quotes:
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Parenting Expert
In this interview, Sue Atkins, author and parenting expert, not only shares her 3 top tips for coping with divorce, and the initial stages of divorce but she also discusses what role divorce retreats play in helping those going through divorce cope with the divorce process from legal, financial and emotional perspectives.
Just as people will invest and gain in attending weekend marriage retreats, so may others gain plenty in participating in divorce retreats.
Beginnings and endings can play such pivotal roles in our lives and the directions we take, that seeking support, clarity and understanding can help shape what a life after divorce will look like.
Find out more about the value of divorce retreats in the interview below.
Sue Atkins is a Parenting Expert, Writer, Speaker, Broadcaster and Parenting Coach & Mum as well as the author of the Amazon best selling books “Parenting Made Easy – How to Raise Happy Children” & ‘Raising Happy Children for Dummies’ one in the famous black and yellow series as well as the author of the highly acclaimed Parenting Made Easy MP3s and CDs and Workbooks.
Sue Atkins also regularly appear on the flagship award winning “This Morning” Show on ITV with Holly Willoughby and Philip Scofield, BBC Breakfast television, The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2 and she has her own regular “Ask Sue” Parenting Q & A phone- in on BBC Radio Surrey and Sussex once a month.
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Parenting Therapist
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine
I have gone through divorce twice; the first one was 20 years ago and the second 12 years ago.
Truth is going through divorce is never an easy process however amicable. It will hurt greatly at some point during the process both financially and emotionally but it doesn’t have to define who you are for the rest of your life.
You will get through it. You will be ok but you will have to work hard to be so.
If you’re truly uncertain if divorce is the right way for you to go, I would personally suggest not doing anything for the moment. Wait and see how you feel later on, maybe next, month or even later.
Ask yourself if you have done all that you can to keep your marriage. If not, what more can you do? Do all that you can.
If you’re considering divorce here are some FAQs with responses but you will find a lot more articles, authored by divorce professionals, on The Divorce Magazine to help you through your divorce process.
Do I need a divorce lawyer?
Yes. This should be one of the first and wisest things to do. I would suggest that you speak with at least 3 divorce lawyers because just as you would get, at the very minimum, 3 different estimations for your kitchen extension, you really should do the same with your divorce lawyer before settling on one.
Why do I need a lawyer?
Simply put, for legal advice. You need to know that whatever steps you’re taking or planning on taking are not only legal and possible but that you’re being realistic and fair to you and your soon-to-be-ex.
How much will a divorce cost?
Very popular question indeed but the simple answer is, it depends on many factors including what divorce process you pick.
There are divorce lawyers who will offer what I would call package deals which are great in giving you some indication of how much the process is likely to cost. When you speak with the various lawyers, then ask about this. In fact, do be afraid of asking as many questions as you can think off regarding cost.
As a divorce process, family mediation, for instance, tends to work out much cheaper than working through the whole divorce process solely via lawyers.
The more you and your soon-to-be-ex can agree on together the less expensive your divorce costs are likely to be.
Here’s an article on How to Reduce the Cost of Divorce that can give you even more information.
What other divorce processes are there?
Fortunately, there are many other ways of dealing with your divorce process other than the “traditional” lawyer/client fashion. Here are some:
- Collaborative Divorce
- Divorce Lawyer
- Family Arbitration
- Online Divorce
- Going directly through court (DIY – this is usually possible for certain situations)
With the first three divorce processes, you will be working directly with divorce lawyers. With the other two, don’t forget to seek legal advice before agreeing to any divorce settlement.
What about the children, can I get full custody (sole residency)?
This is extremely difficult to get as the courts always seek to do what is right for your children and unless there are major safety issues for instance, they will try and ensure that your children remain in good contact with both parents as much as possible.
Here’s an article that would best answer any questions you have on full custody.
My advice, regarding the children, is to continuously and persistently keep in mind that it benefits them greatly if you can provide them with the space and time where they can see both parents as much as possible by creating an age appropriate parenting plan.
They will be suffering many losses as you go through the divorce and will need both of you to make sure they are ok.
What about child maintenance or child support? How do I know how much to expect or to pay out?
Our article on Free Child Maintenance Calculator will tell you what factors are taken into consideration regarding child support payments, how to calculate child maintenance as well as how to apply for child maintenance.
If you decide to go ahead and start the divorce process, talk.
Talk to people you trust and talk to your children’s school. Surround yourself with people whom you know will be supportive and objective and don’t use your lawyer as a counsellor, therapist it’s only likely to cost you and they need to focus on the legal side of your divorce.
Brace yourself for a journey that is likely to get quite emotionally, physically and mentally draining but like I said at the start, you will get over it, you will be ok, you just have to work at getting there because like Maya Angelou once said, “nothing works unless you do”.
If you have even more questions to which you would like some answers then don’t hesitate to contact any of the divorce lawyers who feature in The Divorce Magazine and speak with them.
If your main issue is to do with your children before, during and after divorce, including creating age appropriate parenting plans, you can contact me on +44 (0)7850 85 60 66 or email me soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk.
ABOUT SOILA
Soila is a graduate member of the British Psychological Society, Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine.
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Christmas is only but a few days away which means that some of you divorcing or separating parents have got your future parenting plans or co-parenting plans firmly in place.
But if you don’t yet have your parenting plan in place and are still struggling to set one up or have a temporary one in place, then here are some Christmas parenting plan examples that you may want to consider for you and your children:
Full Christmas Alternate: This is the one my exes and I have used for the past 20 years or so. As we all like to travel with the children over the holidays, they get to spend the entire Christmas and New Year period with one parent and then with the other parent the year after.
Of course, I miss my girls when they are away just as I’m sure their dads miss them when they are with me but one thing we always do is make our own plans so that we aren’t too lonely or sad without them.
This Christmas parenting plan example can work well for older children, maybe 6+ years, as they are better able to handle long blocks of time away from you or the other parents. Skype, Facetime, WhatsApp etc. help plenty in keeping in touch with each other during your time apart.
Half Christmas Alternate: This is where one parent has the children over the Christmas period and the other over the New Year Period and then you alternate the year after meaning the children get to spend Christmas day itself with each parent at some point. It can work well for parents who like to travel but have younger children but maybe not for the under 3-year-olds unless the “absent” parent can get an opportunity to physically touch base with them at some point during the week that they are with the other parent.
Christmas Day Share: I once met a young lady, who was in her twenties, who spoke fondly of how she and her siblings would spend Christmas morning with one parent and then go over to the other parent’s later on in the day. She said it worked brilliantly for them as they would then see both parents and get to open all their presents on the same day!
This Christmas parenting plan example can be a tricky one as children having fun, especially toddlers, may not want to change gears and up and leave. It may also cause conflict if one parent is running late. So I would suggest that should you opt for this option, that the children are given as much information as possible so that they know what is going on.
Whom are they spending the first half of the day with? Who will be there? What time are they going to the next home? Who will be there? How are they getting there? When and where will they see the other parent again? All these details may be inconvenient for you, but they are important for your child. They need to know where they stand.
These are just 3 Christmas parenting plan examples but there are many others.
One thing I frequently tell parents is that divorce and/or separation is an important time for your children but what is even more important is how well, or not, their life after divorce is managed by you because handled badly, that could be the primary trauma for them.
Each of the parenting plans above has the children firmly in mind. You may not like not being with your children on Christmas day but frankly, they are just happy to have a fab time whatever day you choose to celebrate Christmas.
You can create your own traditions.
If my children are travelling over the Christmas period, I make sure we have our Christmas dinner the day before they fly out. We sit around the table, wish one another a Merry Christmas, talk about all kinds of stuff, open our gifts just as though it was 25th and just enjoy the time together. And it works.
It doesn’t mean that we don’t miss one another nor does it mean that I am not sad not to be with them, but what it does mean is that we all end up having a good time and we all know what the plans are, with whom and when and that right there not only grants our children a good sense of security but it also gives them assurance and peace which is precisely what they need.
ABOUT SOILA
Soila is a Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.
Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.
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For children of divorce, spending Christmas with parents in conflict is like you winning an all-paid-for holiday to an amazing destination to stay in one of the most fabulous 5 star hotels…that is under going extensive renovations.
Everything is great about the whole idea, except that you will certainly not find peace and tranquility and that defeats the whole purpose.
Forget about lying by the pool for hours on end, with your cocktails, books and magazines; it’s shut.
There will be early morning drilling sounds, trucks all over the place and limited use of the great facilities that the place usually has to offer. Before you know it, you want to spend the rest of your holiday, outside the hotel, only returning to go to bed.
That’s what it’s like for children whose parents are going through an acrimonious divorce and/or separation during this time of year.
They will get the most fabulous presents that you can afford but their joy, excitement and delight will be short lived and blanketed in worry, uncertainty and uneasiness. And if they are anything like some clients I have worked with, some gifts will act as reminders of the very difficult Christmases they lived through in their childhood for years to come.
If this is your first Christmas as divorcing or separating parents, there’s one thing your children could greatly do with and benefit from.
Peace.
And this you can gift them by:
- letting them be. Let them wake up and sleep through these holidays stress free. Yes, it’s not easy for you as the divorcing or separating parents to do, but it’s not impossible either. You can do it for them, if you really want to. Allow them to enjoy their holidays without conflict, anxieties and worries.
- creating a good structured plan that you can share with them so that they know where they will be, with whom and for how long. One father in mediation recently agreed for his ex-wife to have the children from 23th – 27th December. He explained his decision by saying that it really didn’t matter which day you spend Christmas with your children; all they need is to be with you at some point and on that day, at that time, you can celebrate Christmas, as you choose and wish, in peace. They don’t care if you do it on 25th or on 30th. He’s absolutely correct. They don’t care.
- sticking to the plan and should you need to change the plans for good, legitimate and genuine reasons, not just because you’re angry and riddled with vengeful thoughts and emotions, then tell them in advance and acknowledge any feelings of disappointment they may have or show. Be the adult in the room that they need you to be. Because after all, they only have you two as parents. Which one of you will ensure that their holidays go as smoothly as possible?
Clients I have worked with, have often asked me what my co-parenting plan over the Christmas period looks like.
We chose to make it really simple for the children and ourselves. We alternate every year from 23rd to the new year. This means that each year either one of us has the children for a good block of time which allows us to travel abroad if we choose to.
During the time that they are away, the children get to speak with the “absent” parent almost everyday, over Skype, phone, whatsapp or Facetime. We share stories of what we have done and our plans for the next few days.
This means that our children know exactly what they are doing, with whom, where and for how long. This structure has remained in place since my eldest daughter was 6 and she is now 25. It just works.
Of course it’s not easy for the parent without the children.
You will miss them but all you have to do is plan out your time. If you feel that you will be lonely, sad and upset without them. Then you will really need to deal with that without sharing it with the children. They don’t need to be worrying about you. Let them be. You do you.
If you’re stuck with how to manage these holidays for you and your little ones, then do contact me and let’s take it from there. It really needn’t be hell.
ABOUT SOILA
Soila is a Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.
Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.
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The Divorce Magazine spoke with Paul Sandford, the Principal Director of Albert Square Mediation about unmarried couples, separation and property issues.
A cohabitation agreement for unmarried partners is something that couples choosing to live together really need.
People often say that a prenup or a cohabitation agreement is quite “unromantic”. But as someone ones said, “there is nothing as romantic as a prenup or a cohabitation agreement. It shows that you care enough about that person to make sure that if anything happens to either of you, including a divorce of separation, that your spouse is taken care off or that your choice to go separate ways is much made that much easier.”
A cohabitation agreement really does signify a commitment.
What provision is there for the unmarried spouse whose partner falls terribly ill and loses all capacity for the rest of his life. What does his unmarried spouse do if his relatives come knocking on the door?
So what does Paul suggest unmarried couples do when they chose to purchase a property together?
When the unmarried couple sign the necessary documents and handover the money on completion, they should sign a deed of trust that says something along the lines of, “this house, is bought by (insert names) and we have a 50/50 interest in it”, for instance.
It should also, for the benefits of the lawyers listening to the interview, specify, tenants in common or joint tenants and if possible specify what circumstances would trigger the employment of the “clause” or deed of trust.
What would happen if, one partner is deceased, and there are children? You cannot cover every eventuality, it’s true, but it still remains vital to have such a clause, for lack of a better word.
It’s a bit like making a will! It really doesn’t have to be a big deal.
It can be incredibly simple.
It is legally binding? Yes it is, it’s effectively a deed of trust and you can change it if need be.
You can reach Paul at http://www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk/
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Is it just me or are family lawyers becoming progressively aware of the real impact they have on separating parents and their children?
I often say that family solicitors are the first emergency service when it comes to divorce and separation.
Since launching The Divorce Magazine, I have noticed how an increasing number of solicitors are submitting content that leans towards encouraging parents to think about their children as they go through the divorce process and do the right thing by them.
More recently, I have met solicitors who have taken up counselling courses with the sole purpose of acquiring softer skills which they believe will not only make them more aware of the emotions that their clients are going through, but they will also obtain knowledge and skills on how to manage and work with these powerful emotions.
When I went through my divorce, I experienced the “not-very-nice” solicitor and the “very-happy-to-recommend-anytime” solicitor.
All what the first solicitor wanted was blood and money. My wishes and wants didn’t matter so much unless they involved some sort of conflict. I can tell you, that this firm could extract and generate conflict in Utopia if necessary! They wouldn’t even need an army to do so.
After just a couple of very uncomfortable meetings with this firm, which left me feeling so emotionally, physically and mentally drained, I decided to move on.
The tactic that this new firm employed, was gentle yet firm and assertive! They never once fanned the flames of my anger and resentment. They listened as I spoke about how horrible I thought I my ex had been but focused on what was important, the divorce and my daughter.
If I suggested going down a route that was only going to cause more aggravation to the already volatile situation, they would not only discourage me from doing so, but they would come up with a different solution to the same problem that would be less confrontational.
This new movement by family lawyers towards people awareness, as slow as it is, will definitely, definitely play a role in how families living separately turn out. This then means that there will be children out there whose lives will be less affected by the outcome because their parents’ solicitor treated them more like people going through a major change in their lives than a case number that will help finance their lifestyle.
Family solicitors should be the voice of the child not in the room; the people whom, in the midst of heavy bombardment of adverse words and actions, the children can indirectly rely upon to make sure that despite their parents’ war, someone is looking out for them and wants to make sure they will continue to see both parents and that they will not be used as pawns in this life-changing game.
As Ben Lawson so aptly puts it, “For that reason, amongst others, it is incredibly important that we are able to offer honest and practical advice to clients, giving consideration not only to what our client wants, but also pointing out that what they decide will inevitably impact on their children.”
About Soila
Soila is a Parenting Therapist, accredited Triple P practitioner, Certified Trauma Specialist and trained Family Mediator. She works in private practice mainly, but not exclusively, with families going through divorce and separation.
Soila is the founder of The Davis Centre and The Divorce Magazine.
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THE Passion Coach
Vena is a relationship and erotic wellbeing mentor who believes that Eros and erotic pleasure is core of any romantic relationship.
When we look after our erotic wellbeing we start to look after our all aspects of our wellbeing.
If you haven’t met Vena Ramphal before then you probably want to listen to or watch previous interviews with her on dating and flirting after divorce and separation.
You can also find her on Channel 5’s Sexpod, a down to earth practical sex education show.
In this interview, we are talking about Mantras.
Vena has found that working with powerful mantras or affirmations is a very effective way of moving through life transitions such as divorce and start afresh.
What does Mantra Mean? Vena defines a mantra as a “short precise arrangement of words that is designed to shift your state of being.”
She goes on to give us a short list of mantras and meaning e.g. “I won’t squeeze myself into a relationship; if it doesn’t fit, I don’t wear it.”
How do you tell if a mantra is right for you?
If you feel it land in your body. When you use your personal mantra, you will notice your response to it when you hear the words.
When you hear the words and it feels like it doesn’t relate to you, either it’s not right for you or it’s speaking a deep truth in your that you don’t want to deal with or face it.
If it feels just neutral, then it’s not for you.
Mantras work on the principle of resonance. Words are a vibration. The meaning literally carries a vibration. You can have something that is very uplifting or even something that is very clarifying.
Another example of a powerful mantra that is suitable for those going through divorce or coping with divorce is – “Healthy break-up. I let go off this relationship with gratitude. I take time to heal my broken heart.”
The first line for instance – “Healthy breakup” sets the tone of that mantra. It sets the core intention and intention is very important when it comes to mantras because that’s what makes the difference between just a string of words and a mantra. You want to feel the words run through your body.
How and when would you use a mantra?
When you are coming out of sleep or about to go into sleep because this is when your subconscious mind is most alert. Using a mantra at this time, means that you start to reprogram your belief.
Do listen to the rest of this very informative and valuable interview with Vena Ramphal on the power of mantras and how to create your own mantra.
About Vena
Vena is specialises in romance and erotic pleasure. She has experienced divorce and shares her story here – www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/my-divorce-vena-ramphal
She helps people make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether it’s ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.
Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.
As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.
You can find out more about Vena’s work here – www.venaramphal.com
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