Dr Soila Sindiyo

define mediation
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Define Mediation as a Divorce Process

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Johnathan Pease Accredited Family Mediator and PPC
Johnathan Pease
Accredited Family Mediator
and PPC

In this interview, we speak with FMC accredited Johnathan Pease of New Landscape Mediation about what exactly family mediation is as well as what it is not.

Johnathan goes on to answer further questions that help define mediation as a divorce process including:

  • Can mediation work for high net-worth individuals?
  • Is family mediation about bringing the couple back together?
  • What about confidentiality?
  • Does working with a family mediator preclude working with a family solicitor?

So if you’re going through divorce or trying to deal with what you imagine is likely to be a difficult and challenging divorce, you may want to hear what Johnathan says about this particular divorce process.

Here’s part of what he had to say when asked to define mediation.

…When going through divorce, a family mediator will do is to take you through the process, in much the same way as a solicitor would in terms of the finances because there are certain legal things that have to happen when separating your finances but a mediator will do it for you in a much more streamlined fashion.

We do sit down with couples, and together organise the finances by looking at what the situation right now, what they both need to achieve going forward and we work out a way of dividing up their assets so that both parties are able to be content with the solution that they come up with. (Cont’d below)

We take that solution and put it together in a proper outcome document that can then be presented to the court for ratification in a consent order.

We do the same thing with the children. We sit down together, we work out, where the children will live, how they’ll move back and forth between the two parents, what’s going to happen over Christmas, what’s going to happen during half terms, holidays and all those sorts of things.

My goal is always to have parents feel that they are able to dance at their children’s wedding 10 years from now as opposed to dragging each other through the courts.

So mediation is a divorce process that helps you to achieve those very simple tasks while keeping your dignity and most of your finances intact.

What is family mediation NOT?

It is not a process where you sit down and get told what is right for you and what isn’t right for you.

It’s not a process where the family mediator sits there and makes a determination that you’re ex-partner has to be punished because he or she has behaved appallingly.

Family mediation is not a process where get specific legal advice but where you get a great deal of legal information. I can tell you for example if a court is likely to ratify and agreement or not. Everybody’s situation is different and our job is to make sure that you’re both content with whatever arrangement you come up with that is available to you within your resources.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Johnathan Pease, of New Landscape Mediation, is a highly experienced family mediator with over 20 years of experience working in family conflict resolution both as a mediator and Family Consultant.

A fully accredited BACP psychotherapist, Johnathan holds several qualifications with ADRg – including Direct Child Consultant (DCC). He is an accredited Civil/Commercial mediator, a member of the UK College of Mediators, and an affiliate member of Resolution.

Johnathan’s flexible and pragmatic approach to mediation makes the most of his understanding of interpersonal dynamics for the benefit of all concerned.

As a father of 2 children, and having experienced a family breakdown himself, Johnathan recognises that there are often many layers to the end of a marriage hindering a successful settlement than first meets the eye. Johnathan applies his varied training and life experience to the time sensitive and practical needs of family mediation with consistent success.

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Coping with Divorce in 5 Simple Steps

Coping with Divorce in 5 Simple Steps

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Adele Theron Speaker, Author and Founder of The Naked Divorce
Adele Theron
Speaker, Author and Founder of
The Naked Divorce

Adele Theron is the founder of The Naked Divorce that has a 21 Day program on helping people in coping and dealing with divorce.

Today she gives us tips on coping with divorce in 5 simple steps.

Understanding that we are very likely not to feel brilliant and happy all the time; that there will indeed be moments shrouded by unhappiness, anger or sadness is just one of the first steps you can take in coping and dealing with your divorce and divorce process.

The critical thing is not invalidating those emotions but accepting that that is how you’re feeling and then dealing with them as opposed to suppressing them.

Name that emotion. What is it? Is it anger? Is it frustration, sadness or an overwhelming feeling of vengeance.  This is an important step to moving on from a broken relationship.

We need to remember that we cannot control the arrival of an emotion and by using language to conceptualise it in a way that you describe what it is, it just gives you that release.  That may explain why, when you do open up to someone about how you’re truly feeling, you actually feel better afterwards.

Listen, learn, enjoy and use the tips that Adele shares with you in Coping with Divorce in 5 Simple Steps

ABOUT ADELE

Adele (www.nakeddivorce.com) is an author, executive coach and change management specialist who has spent the past 19 years helping people cope with change and overcome trauma.

Adele has worked within large international corporate programmes so this is why she and her team are so results driven.

She has worked with over 6,500 people to achieve rapid transformation and has published several books and articles and has been featured in nearly a hundred publications across the globe.

Adele works globally and as your Divorce Angel, you can count on her to handle anything complex. With the hundreds of people she has counselled through divorce there isn’t a situation she have not seen or encountered.

Adele specialises in family issues, multiple traumas, PTSD treatments and divorce planning. She runs all the Naked Divorce Retreats in Thailand, the Miracle programmes and runs Group sessions.  

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eft technique

Eft Technique for Coping with Divorce

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Susie Johns
Susie Johns
Intuitive Counsellor and Life Strategist

Coping with divorce can be a long, arduous and emotionally charged journey that requires plenty of help and support along the way.

Here at The Divorce Magazine, we always encourage those going through divorce to not only seek help but also to find ways that will help you in coping and dealing with divorce, the whole divorce process and beyond.

So we interviewed Susie Johns, an expert in EFT and Tapping techniques, for you.

“Divorce, separation, split, whatever the word, whatever that means to you, is an awful thing to go through for those that go through it…and that means something to you, I want to help you” says Susie.

And she does.

In the second part of the “Coping with divorce – EFT Tapping,” Susie Johns gives you a way to help alleviate and manage the stresses and emotional pains that come with the divorce process.

Click here for Part 1 – What is EFT Tapping and How can it Help you?

Do avoid going through divorce on your own. Make sure you have a good strong support system and find healthy ways that will help you deal  with the journey. It will come to pass but as Maya Angelou said, “Nothing works unless you do.”

You may also enjoy these other posts by Susie Johns –

How to Use your Business Intuition

Starve your Fears Feed you Intuition

Susie Johns is an internationally acclaimed Psychic, Intuitive Counsellor, and Life Strategist; Her classes, workshops, articles, books, and private sessions empower people everywhere through self-awareness.

Her goal is to help you gain insight into the bigger picture of your life so that you can face your demons, develop a plan of action, and overcome negative patterns to achieve true fulfilment.

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Coping with Divorce – Stress Relieving Foods

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Stress Relieving Foods
Jess Scott – Nutritionist & Creator of
Jessipes

We asked Nutritional Therapist Jess Scott what foods were best to eat and/or avoid when going through divorce and separation.  

The write up below is just a small snippet of the interview.  Jess had plenty of good advice so click play, watch and listen to all of it!

What stress relieving foods would you suggest we take when going through divorce?

Food habits do change when you’re going through changes and moments of heightened stress.

Having more nutrient dense food that gives you more bang for you buck is really important.

Jess is not calorie focused at all and she promotes that with every single one of her clients. So when going through stress do ditch the whole calorie thing because it’s really just one more thing to be stressed about and instead focus on what foods make you feel really good.

For a lot of people it’s really about eating loads of plant foods, fruit and vegetables and don’t forget the non-farmed fish and the lean meats if you do eat meat.

Try avocado on toast in the morning or make food in a batch as that will also reduce the stress of thinking, what to cook in the evening.  Doing this may help clear some head space which in turn could play a role in your decision making during this time of stress. 

Doing this also means that you don’t have to keep putting your will power to the test. Once you have the foods ready to defrost and eat, your chances of snacking on other unhealthy foods is minimised

What foods should we avoid during this time of stress?

Jess focuses on what to include as opposed to what to avoid because most people know what foods aren’t good for them. 

For breakfast for instance, when you are in a rush to get things done and to get the children ready for school, smoothies are a really good way to go.  Then you have 5 fruit and vegetables in there already!

Jess is a nutritionist & creator of all the recipes you find on her website – jessipes.co.uk  .

Jess works with clients from all over the world but predominantly in London as that is where she her two clinics are based.  

Jess also consult for a few food and fitness companies such as Graze.com, Daylesford Organic & Fitbit and write health articles for Men’s Health, LOOK magazine and FHM.

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Children of Divorce – Sharing Birthdays after Divorce

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I recently overheard a conversation at the school playground this morning which I thought I would share with you.

A boy, whose parents are currently going through divorce (I know this as one of  the parents has talked to me about their situation) was telling another child about his birthday.

He explained that on the day itself, he had half the day with his mother and then went over to his dad’s for the rest of the day and he hated it – the split that is.

He said he wished he would have stayed with one of them on this day and then go to the other’s another day.  He is 9 years old.

Splitting the day in two didn’t work for him and to be honest many children just don’t like changing gears, especially on special occasions.

There’s nothing more difficult than putting your own wishes and desires aside for the sake of the children than when going through divorce.  Both parents obviously wanted to spend the day with their child.  That’s what they wanted and that’s what they got.

That’s not what he wanted but that’s what he got.

If they keep this type of arrangement for the rest of their divorced life, you can imagine how much this boy will not be looking forward to his birthday for a few years to come.

Birthdays are not about you, they really aren’t.  They are about swallowing your pride, your vengeful thoughts, your anger and hurt and making this day, all about your children.

Big deal if you don’t get to spend the day he was born with your child. Celebrate it with her or him when you next see them.  You won’t like it but they will still love it.  They will still enjoy it.

Alternate if you need to – one year you have your child on her birthday, the next the other parent does.

There are so  many options as to how to handle birthdays and holidays and what works for one family might not for another but the easiest way to figure out what to do, is to literally keep your child in mind.  What is it that will make them happy, comfortable and free from conflict and tension?  Now go and do it.

I’m finding it hard to imagine a greater gift.

If you have a system that has worked really well for you and your family, share it with others here.

If your struggling with any aspect of your co-parenting arrangement, let me know – 07850 85 60 66.

About the Author

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Parental Alienation

The Beginning of the End: What Parental Alienation Looks Like in Adult Children of Divorce

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What Parental Alienation Looks Like
What Parental Alienation means for children of divorce

I was 18 when my first boyfriend pointed out how odd my home life was. 

Until this point having friends round was a rare and stage managed production. So the world I lived in was very small.

Don’t get me wrong outside of the house we were active in the church, local community and I would have generally been described as a bubbly child.  

More importantly I thought everyone lived the way we did. I could see that other families had more people in their cohort and I longed for brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles.

I became a very self sufficient child and I was very close to the person that it would turn out was doing me the most harm.

Mine is not just a story of parental alienation, there was sibling alienation (half siblings), grand parental alienation, aunts, uncles and cousin’s, there was even a set of grandparent’s who were totally unaware of my existence.  Anyone who questioned our situation was gone, never to be forgiven and never to be readmitted.

At first the exit’s were subtle. Friends that didn’t tow the line or questioned things were removed and replaced by like-minded fellow souls who reinforced the norm until they themselves were rejected.

At three my parents divorced and I was taken away to a completely different city (with or without my dads permission I never found out).  

He followed and for a few years we had weekly meetings where he would diligently hand over an envelope filled with maintenance. 

It was a dripping tap of comments from there, refusals to open the door and demands that the all important envelope be posted through the letterbox.

Weeks would pass without seeing them, then months and even years.

parental alienation story
What parental alienation looks like

Eventually one fateful day in my 18th year the aforementioned boyfriend made a passing comment that made me look at things very differently.

Over a period of weeks the person that had set me apart from the world had started to realise that they were loosing the carefully constructed control they exercised over me, they pushed before they were exposed, and I was asked to leave and was forced to make my own fateful exit. 

Scared I went to the only place that I thought I could dad’s, despite having not spoken for two years, I prayed that he would:

a. answer the door and

b. let me find my bearings.

They did and a new cycle began.

Having been on the receiving end of this situation for all those years they now exacted a non-invasive revenge.  Non invasive is the key word, they didn’t let the dust settle and encourage a reconciliation, they did nothing.

The shoe was very firmly on the other foot now.

Scared, rejected and distracted by having to make my own way in the world I assumed that the situation would resolve itself. They were the adults, you asked me to leave, I deserved the apology.

Years turned into decades, graduations, marriages, births, deaths all those major events slipped by.

PASAwareness celebrates 10 years of raising awareness today and I wish it and the internet were around all those years ago.

I have a new family now. Not through choice it is one that is devoid of any blood relatives. Which as I write this I still find very upsetting.

What would I say to my 18 year old self?

To my mum who started the cycle and my dad that ended it.

No one wins.

Everyone losses.

I have lost 7 members of my family as a result of alienation.

I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. 

Anon.

Thank you divorcebox.com for sharing this powerful article with us.

photo credit: J*U*L*E*S ☺ via photopin (license)
photo credit: Teen Angst via photopin (license)

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Kids with Problems

Kids with Problems – A Stitch in Time

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Don’t wait until there’s a crisis to try and fix it.

Brief video urging parents to act as soon as you become consistently concerned about your child’s behaviour.

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Difference Between Arbitration and Mediation

Which Divorce Process? Difference Between Arbitration and Mediation

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Charmaine Hast - Wedlake Bell
Charmaine Hast
Partner and
Head of Family Team

TDM speaks with Charmaine Hast, Partner and Head of Family Team at Wedlake Bell – on Family arbitration as a divorce process.

If you’re going through divorce and are wondering which divorce process to use for your divorce proceedings, you may want to listen to this.

Charmaine Hast talks about family arbitration and the difference between arbitration and mediation.

Questions asked and answered include:

What is Family Arbitration?

Instead of going to court, family arbitration is an easy quick method of trying to cut down on time and legal costs.  You don’t have to wait for a judge to fit your case in his/her list of other cases to adjudicate on a particular day because with arbitration, you choose your judge and you choose your timetable.

What is the Difference between Arbitration and Mediation?

Family Mediation is where the parties work out the terms upon which they’re prepared to agree, whether it’s children matters or  financial matters.  It’s by negotiation and there’s a mediator helping the parties reach a decision.

What you’ve got with arbitration, is that you’ve got two parties who say they’re happy to use the arbitration system, rather than the court system, and what happens is that the arbitrator is actually the person who says to parties, you’ve signed up to arbitration, this is my judgement.

What are the Benefits of Family Arbitration?

Speed!  You don’t have to wait for a court process,  If you issue proceedings today for children matters, you’re first hearing maybe in 2 weeks time or in 3 weeks time.

Is an Award Legally Binding?

Before you enter into arbitration, you’re actually signing a document, which is a standard form, set by the Chartered Institute of Arbitration. 

Both parties sign up to it and you’ll be bound by the arbitrator’s decision. 

The advantage of that is, the arbitrator’s decision is then binding on you, as the parties. Not only will you get a decision which is an arbitrator’s decision, you will also get a decision which is a court order.

Who are Arbitrators and what Credentials do they Have?

There’re retired high court judges, retired district judges, mainly barristers and a few solicitors.

 

Other questions in the interview include:

 Do I still need a Lawyer to Work with me During the Divorce Process?

How does it Work? What does the Process Entail?

Charmaine is regarded as an expert in English Family Law.  She is also a Family Solicitor Arbitrator.

She has particular experience in advising on big-money and big-name divorces. She is able to advise on cross-border money matters and has a particular interest in trusts and pensions.

Charmaine’s practice covers divorce, separation, civil partnerships, pre- and post-nuptial agreements, co-habitation agreements, children issues, abductions and international law.

Contact – wedlakebell.com

 

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the Parenting Plan Right
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Children and Divorce – Getting the Parenting Plan Right for your Child’s Sake

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Parents often say that they will do anything for their children, yet when it comes to divorce, there are many who do the exact opposite.

If you and your ex-partner are struggling with your parenting plan, do contact me by emailing me soila@helpingchildrencope.co.uk.

They fail to see how their actions and reactions affect their children. They increase chances of ther being negative effects of divorce on their children.

Helping children cope with divorce means providing them with a caring environment; one that will allow them to thrive between two homes.

Children of divorce need more than just roofs over their heads, they need attention, love and acknowledgment from their divorced or divorcing parents.

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Becoming a family mediator
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How Does Family Mediation Work? What is Family Mediation?

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Family Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

This is a question, among others, that The Divorce Magazine posed to Family Mediator Paul Sanford of Albert Square Mediation.  

Paul explained that family mediation is an informal process for those going through divorce or any other a family dispute.  

How does Family Mediation Work?

The parties meet informally and through the mediator (or sometimes two mediators), they can work through their differences and hopefully, reach an agreement that can be put in writing. 

As a divorce process family mediation remains a voluntary process.  This means it’s not compulsory to go through the mediation process in order for you to complete the divorce process.

As a divorce process, family mediation remains cheaper, quicker and the pressures that go with court litigation are simply not there.  It does give the parties the opportunity to focus on what matters and what needs to be resolved.

By the end of the process, people are very pleasantly surprised by A) the bill and B) the length of time that it takes to complete.

How to Prepare for the First Family Mediation Session?

The first session would be a pre-meditation session which would probably be a meeting held with each party.  The only “paperwork” that you will be required to show or bring with you at the first meeting is two items of proof of identity.  

Other than that, Paul suggest that before the meeting you,  A) think things through and B) prepare for what you would like the future to look like.

Also when it comes to completing the divorce papers, it is so vital that you are complete them properly,  openly and as thoroughly as possible.  This done well, saves time and money.

Mediators are committed to giving good value money but they cannot do this without your full participation.

Family mediation isn’t a magic wand that you wave and all falls into place.  You have to be ready to work for you to reach that agreement that suits you both.  You need to come prepared to be flexible and ready to compromise, especially when it comes to the children and contact issues.

Do Family Mediators and Family Solicitors Collaborate?

They do but one major difference is that family mediators are completely impartial and cannot be seen to give advice as solicitors can.

Is the Agreement Reached Legally Binding?

The agreement of Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) can indeed be made legally binding by having the lawyers slightly redraft, if need be, and having it reproduced as a consent order by the court. 

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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Holidays triggering Divorce

How to Pick a Good Divorce Lawyer?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Parenting Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Recently, a couple of mums and a dad at my daughter’s school separately asked if they could speak with me in confidence.

All three are going through divorce and are in the first stages of the divorce process.

All three needed to know if I could recommend  a divorce solicitor.

Their stories were different but two of them asked me the same question; “What makes a good divorce lawyer?”

This, I must say, is a very easy question to answer.

Firstly a good divorce lawyer is one who specialises in divorce law, preferably one who only works in this field.  If you have children, as each of the parents in this case had, I would go further and say find one that has great experience in divorce law where children are concerned.

A good divorce lawyer will not be one who fans the flames of your anger or even one who starts a fire where there is none.

When I was going through my divorce, I had a meeting with a lawyer who, in all honesty, remains the worst lawyer I have met in my life!  All she wanted was blood, despite my telling her that’s not what I wanted.  I only went to her because she was very local to me and I was thinking about the convenience.  I never did work with her.

Years later, I needed a notary, so returned to the same firm believing that my previous not-so-good experience was only due to the particular lawyer I had spoken to.  The person whom I spoke with over the phone was very condescending and patronising and they were going to charge me over £100 more than the other firms I spoke with.  I had heard all I needed.

Anyway, I digress.

A good divorce solicitor will know how to manage your feelings of vengeance and hurt.  They will not allow them to come into the picture in shape or form as that will only cause war between you and your soon-to-be-ex.

 

A good divorce solicitor will not mind you asking any questions that are important for you to get answers to, as “ridiculous” as some of them may be.  They will know and understand that the next few months are indeed going to determine how your life after divorce turns out and they will have a major role to play in it.

  • How long have you practiced family law?
  • Do you have past clients I can speak with?
  • What are your fees and what should I be aware off in terms of other (hidden) costs?
  • What do you think about family mediation?
  • What do I need to do to make the divorce process as smooth as possible?
  • What if I decided to change solicitors, what would that mean for me?

Finally, do trust your gut.  Always trust your gut.  Meet with at least 3 solicitors before making up your mind. Most solicitors offer an free consultation. Use it.

Good luck!

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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how to organize your room
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Life after Divorce – How to Organize your Room or your House

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Ingrid Jansen
Ingrid Jansen
Founder
Organise your House

Ingrid Jansen – www.organise-your-house.co.uk –  is a professional house organiser and declutterer a job she has been doing for 6 years now –  helping people create wonderful living environments for themselves and their families.

Coping with divorce is already hard enough, but when the divorce agreement entails selling your family home, then things get that much more challenging especially when this sale needs to happen as soon as possible.  So what advice would Ingrid give to a couple looking to sell the family home fast?

You need to work together as much as possible because it’s not just the inside of the house that needs looking into, there’s also the outside, the inside of the cupboards, the loft and your own attitude towards the sale.

Potential buyers will always ask why you’re selling so agree on how to handle this question.

In this interview Ingrid talks to us about:

  • how to organize your house
  • how to organize your room
  • dealing with a cluttered house
  • the importance of house organization
  • ways to organize your room
  • how to declutter your room


Remember all floor space needs to be cleared.  If the entrance of the home is taken up by shoes and the loft is filled to the rafters, then it’s important to do a big tidy.

Ingrid’s main tip is never underestimate how long this big tidy takes.

It’s absolutely crucial to get those cupboards empty and know how to declutter your room, your home and organise whatever is left.  Get some temporary storage if need be.

Ingrid gives a brilliant example of a client who increased the sale price by up to 10k just by decluttering her home!  So a cluttered house can cost you.

One thing is clear, Ingrid is not here to tell you how to organize your home, she doesn’t tell her clients what to keep or what’s important; what she does is help them think through which items they wish to retain.  She goes through the home with her clients, locates the most crucial pain points, where space can be created for stuff that actually needs to be retained.

Decluttering is a work in progress.

With wardrobes for instance, instead of asking her clients what they don’t wear anymore, she turns the question around and asks them to pick out 10 items they wear all the time.

Everyone’s clutter is different so Ingrid makes it a point to keep an open mind when helping clients.

How to organize your house or how to organize your room or your children’s room is still in your control, in your hands.  Ingrid is there to work through the process of house organization with you.

 

 

 

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