Dr Soila Sindiyo

How to Become Financially Stable

Life after Divorce – How to Become Financially Stable

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

There’s something about divorce that forces out your creative side and teaches you how to become financially stable.

You learn how to cope with problems and manage to find the most amazing solutions to overcoming the hurdles that come your way.

There are many, both men and women, who find themselves in dire financial situations after the divorce process with little chance of either working full-time because of the children or getting good enough employment because it’s been a while since they worked for someone else.

What I see in divorce are the amazing opportunities that it presents people in creating something that works best for them.

I’m talking about finding a way to bear financial stability by retraining, starting your business or working for yourself in one form or other. Many have done it and many will continue doing it.

If you’re thinking of retraining and are not sure what you want to do or which direction you would like to go, I would suggest taking your time looking through the floodlight website, finding as many courses as you can that you may have even a slight interest in, list them and then shortlist further to a total of 5.  Then enrol on the first course.

If you fall in love with your first choice then great!  If not move on down to the second choice and so on and so forth.

I realise that floodlight only applies to Londoners but it shouldn’t prevent you from looking through the course list and then checking if your preferred courses are being offered in your own area.

start-upWhen it comes to starting your own business, best thing to do is first find out if there is indeed a need for the type of service or product you wish to launch.  Do your research.  Ask your family and friends what they think then get down to writing your business plan.

Avoid being inflexible and remain open to ideas and criticism, but never give up on your wish to be an entrepreneur!  If he first idea doesn’t seem all that good after all, then what else can you do?

Some people find franchising a good way of working for themselves while others feel that it prevents you from being as creative as you would like as you have to adhere to your franchisor’s rules and regulations.

I did it for a few years back in the early 90s, when I ran an after school French club for children and loved it.  I made money without having to create the products, all I had to do was find something that I knew I would enjoy selling and voila, everything fell into place.

Facing financial difficulties after divorce is so very common but it doesn’t mean that your situation has to remain the same in your life after divorce does it?

If you have the drive, the wish and the need, you will find a way.  Of course it’s not easy. Nothing good ever comes easy.  Free yourself from what you don’t want in your life after divorce.

We are so lucky to be living in an era where anything is possible including building your life by learning how to become financially stable.  To borrow a line from a known company, go on, “just do it.”

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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after the Affair
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How to Survive after the Affair – Dr Lori Bisbey

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I got the chance to interview Dr Bisbey on how to save your marriage after the affair or put it another way, can a marriage be saved after infidelity or adultery?

Dr Biseby is a Psychologist and Relationship Coach.

She works with those s in the midst of relationship and want to create a good vibrant relationship and those struggling within their relationships. Lori also works with those who are having issues and are looking to or are wondering if they should go their separate ways.

Can a marriage survive infidelity is more a question like should a marriage survive infidelity?, Says Lori.

The interview is in 5 short parts packed with vital information and advice on such topics as:

  • Can my marriage survive infidelity?
  • What is infidelity anyway.  Lori believes there are different types of infidelity and whether a marriage can survive after the affair or not, may depend on the type of infidelity involved.  “Not all infidelity is equal,”  says Lori.  An ongoing affair for instance is likely to have a far bigger impact than a one off occurrence.
  • What about emotional infidelity?  Where does that come in and how much damage can that cause?  What is so damaging about emotional infidelity anyway?  Lori explains that it comes down to the fact that the “cheater” was emotionally intimate with someone else and not with his/her partner.  That’s what so damaging.
  • “Sexual infidelity can be much easier to cope with and deal with but an emotional betrayal is much harder and takes more work to get over,” she explains.
  • Find out how emotional infidelity comes about in the first place?
  • What about the serial cheater? Is that considered to be long term infidelity?
  • Is it true once a cheat always a cheat?
  • How do you know when some is cheating?  Just the same as you know that someone is lying?
  • Infidelity is often a symptom. The infidelity is a clue that this is done. Like someone is saying “I’ve been unfaithful, I really need out of this relationship.”
  • Polyamorous realtionshiop and open relationships where do they come in?  Can we have multiple partners? If so what are the rules around that?
  • How can you avoid infidelity?
  • Can someone else truly make you cheat?  Is it at all possible that it’s someone else’s fault?  People find hard to take responsibility especially when it’s something that hurts another.
  •  Good sex, as time goes on, is largely a function of the ability to communicate. If you can be emotionally intimate, your sex becomes incredible. If you can share on all sorts of other levels, the sexual relationship can be amazing.
  • What’s physical intimacy really about?
  • What role does pornography play today?  Can it be used to grow physical intimacy?
  • What advice does Lori give to anyone who has just discovered infidelity?
  • Can you have a relationship with no trust?

 

How to get in touch with Lori:

Lori on – Linkedin, Yotango,

Phone: +44 7770 858219
(US cell upon request)

Email: Lori@wolfsfire.com

 Lori can conduct sessions over skype too.

If you’re interested in her couples retreats, please do contact Lori directly and she will be more than happy to let you know when and where the next ones are.

 

 

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Returning to Work
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Thinking Through the Return to Work

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Poornima Kirloskar-Saini Programme Director Women Like Us
Poornima Kirloskar-Saini
Programme Director
Women Like Us

Right now, as you read this sentence, as many as half a million women across the UK are thinking about going back to work, but simply don’t know where to begin.

Are you one of them?

“Preparing for that return is not easy” says Poornima Kirloskar-Saini, Programme Director at Women Like Us.”

There seems to be an endless stream of questions that you can’t quite answer.

‘What kind of job do I want’, ‘where can I find work to fit with family’ and ‘how do I sell myself as a candidate now?’ are the most common stumbling blocks. Sometimes, you just need a hand to help you get the process rolling.”

If you have been sitting at home, with the word ‘CV’ at the top of a blank piece of paper, unsure what direction your job search is going to take, here are some simple tips to help you get focused …

Tackling that CV

If you are really struggling to put pen to paper, forget format for the time being and get it all down in rough. Some of Women Like Us’ clients find it helpful to write a one-page life story in the first instance. Once you have the content, the structure can come later.

return to work
How to return to work? List your skills

List your skills

Once you have defined and grouped your skills, deciding what kind of job to go for will become much easier. Worried your list looks a bit thin on the ground? Then think about what you have learnt during your ‘gap’ from work.

Imagine you are being filmed going about your day. How might someone else view the tasks you do? Think how to present them so that they are relevant to the job you are applying for.

If you want a PA role, think about the last task you did that required mass organisation, e.g. when you last moved house – did you plan the move, research new locations, get removal quotes and secure the best deal? If you are looking to return to a role in human resources, as well as listing all the skills from your last job, don’t forget how your experience of looking after children involves the vital skills of negotiation and conflict resolution.

Show your potential employer you have the skills they need, however you gained them.

Talk about yourself !

To ease yourself into interview, start talking through your CV and achievements with family and friends. One of the hardest things to get used to, following a gap from work, is identifying your achievements and selling yourself.

Practice makes perfect – this will really help you to prepare for eventual interview.

Apply for fresh workplace experience

Refresher’ experience in a formal work environment will really help you to build confidence and gain a better picture of what jobs you do – and do not – want to apply for. Plus, it will give you a current project to talk about with enthusiasm on applications, and thus make your CV stand out to employers.

Get networking Tell everyone 

From your mother to the milkman – that you are looking for work, and what kind of job you are looking for. It’s amazing how many people find work simply by opening up their own personal networks.

But don’t just rely on that. Try searching on the internet for conferences and trade fairs relevant to your area of interest, start buying industry sector trade magazines, and if you feel confident enough online, join LinkedIn, the social network that allows you to search for and connect with former colleagues, and find groups specific to your work area of interest.

Women Like Us is a multi-award winning careers service that offers London parents advice and guidance to help them feel work-ready after a ‘break’.

It is part of Timewise, a business that is all about building flexible future of work. Timewise runs a jobsite for any and all jobs that are open to flexible working options.

More than 76,000 men and women are registered with the service

 

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The Impact of Divorce on Children

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The impact of divorce on children
Tamara Afifi
Professor in the Department of Communication at UCSB.

What is great about this video is that Tamara D. Afifi truly looks at the impact of divorce on children and in particular on the adolescents and young adults.

She covers a wide range of areas and answers those FAQs such as:

  • Should we stay together for the sake of the children?
  • What impact does divorce have on children?
  • What are the short and long term effects?
  • Is there a difference between children of divorce and non in later in life?
  • Does divorce really matter or is there something more that affects the children?
  • What role does parental conflict play in the life and development of children?
  • Apart from the psychological impact, how else are children affected?
  • How to co-parent with a partner who perpetually creates conflict

  

 

 

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do i qualify for legal aid

What I Learned about Being a Stepmom

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What Divorce Taught Me about "Me”
Jungle Diva

If you asked me a couple of years back what I thought about step-moms, I would have probably told you that they are a mystery.

My parents separated when I was nine years old. At that moment I didn’t really understand what it meant to us children. We were split in half: boys lived with my father and girls lived with the mother.

My dad quickly remarried, my mother never did. I remember being very resentful towards my step-mom. Not because she did anything at the beginning, but because everyone else said evil things about her. We didn’t have any relationship with her. I only got to see her when I visited by father for a couple of hours whenever I had the chance to.

I remember my mother being so cordial about it and my stepmom trying to show who run the household.

It’s only when I got older that I got to get a clue on what the situation really was all about. But that was just a clue. It’s only when I got together with a man with a daughter, that I finally understood why my stepmom acted the way she did. She was probably in the same age I am now: mid 30s.

Married to a man with 6 children! What a shocker it must have been for her. She tried, God knows she did. With all her flaws and shortcomings, she really tried her best. It comes as a surprise to me to always think back about my childhood and my interaction with my step-mom and try to compare my situation now: being a step-mom to a 9 year old and the actions she took.

I think back about how each action, word or silence made me feel as a child. Through my own experience, I put myself in my stepdaughter’s shoes and think back about when I was a child and based on that I am consciously aware that my words and actions will forever impact my stepdaughter.

With this consciousness also comes awareness that boundaries have to be drawn, expectations set, sometimes hearts broken, and tears shed; but at the end of it all it’s a learning curve and everyday brings in a new lesson that shapes the future of the relationship.

It took a while to get to where I am today; to mentally adjust my thoughts and expectations; to evaluate my balance; to learn to interact on a totally different level with my stepdaughter, her mother and mother’s family.

It was hard work and sometimes can be very overwhelming. If I was asked to do it again, I would be a stepmom without hesitation. Blended families are not for the faint hearted; but can also nurture some of the most extra ordinary relationships ever.

My mantra for sanity is:

1-You are not their mother: Regardless of the kind of relationship you build with your stepchildren; regardless of how loving and nurturing you may be; regardless of how many school events you attend; regardless of loving them with you all your heart: you will never be their real mother. But that is ok.

You don’t need to try fit into their real mother’s shoes. There is no competition, because you will not win.

Learn to accept and embrace this. Be ok to love your stepchild knowing that there is a chance they will reject you in future. But love them nonetheless.

And if you feel that you don’t have that beautiful loving feeling inside yourself; that is also totally ok. Just don’t mistreat your stepchildren. Be comfortable in your own shoes as a stepmom.

being a stepmom2-Draw boundaries: The sooner you do it the better. Draw boundaries with your stepchild; with your husband’s ex; with the ex’s family; with common friends your husband and the ex had and also with your husband. It is very important that you protect yourself.

You come into a broken relationship where resentment and pain come sometimes cause boundaries to be crossed. It is important that you let the parties involved: husband, ex wife and stepchild know what you can/cannot accept.

Without these, chances are people will walk over you.

3-You don’t need to say what you think all the time: Sometimes silence is more golden than voicing out your exact thoughts.

Remember that when it comes to your stepchild, you are an outsider regardless of how close you are to your stepchild. The thought of: you are not my parent always lingers on the back of children’s minds.

If you really think you should say something, find the right time to say it. Pick a moment where everyone is relaxed. Chances are you will be listened to more than during a heated moment. Sometimes you don’t even need to say anything, and that is also very ok.

4-Take a step back: You probably want the best for your stepchild. However, sometimes the real parents know what is best for their own child.  Know when it is the moment to take a step back and let your husband and the ex make a decision when it comes to their child.

This doesn’t mean that you are not involved; it simply means that you trust that they want the best for their child as you would. Trust them enough to take that step back.

5-Find a way to deal with the ex: You might be able to avoid the ex for weeks or months or even years, but at some point you will come face to face. Knowing how to deal with the ex in a way that protects you and creates respect between the two of you is the best thing to do. After all, you both play a very important role in your stepchild’s life.

How your stepchild sees you interacting with their mother creates permanent memories and images that can help the child or break the child. Find a way to interact with respect even when keeping your distance. Always remember that to her, she knows what is best for her child and not you the stranger.

Learn to make your point without losing your cool. Learn to draw the line and create boundaries of how you deal with each other.

6-Don’t ignore your marriage: Don’t let the fight between your stepchild and you come between you and your husband. Don’t let their fights come between your marriage. Don’t let decisions that your husband makes about his child that you don’t agree with come between your marriage. Don’t let how he lets his ex talk to him affect your marriage.

You were not part of their marriage; and neither were you part of their communication or lack of. Let your husband deal with his ex and trust him enough to know that he will deal with her in the best way he possibly can. Trust your husband to make decisions about his child; sometimes together with his ex.

Learn to communicate and let your husband know your opinion even though he might not take it into account. Learn to talk and share with your husband when you feel frustrated with your stepchild. But be prepared for situation that your husband might take his child’s side.

Whatever the situation, put your relationship on first priority and discuss and agree this with your husband. Children will grow, move out and move on; and it will be your husband and you to continue with your lives after that. Make sure you are both committed and on the same level when it comes to relationship priority.

7-Finding supporting groups: Blended families can be challenging even when they are rewarding. Find support groups where you can share with other people in blended families. Chances are many people will understand how you feel.

8-Take time for yourself: It is important to create time to do things as a family with your husband and stepchild. But it is also important that you create time to do things for you. Give yourself time to be with yourself and enjoy the things you enjoy on your own.

9-Learn to forgive yourself: This whole blended family thing is probably new to you. You are therefore going to make so many mistakes. You will be judged. You will judge yourself.

You will doubt yourself and sometimes you will feel totally overwhelmed by the whole situation of being in a blended family. You might even have doubts whether you made the right decision or not.

Learn to accept and embrace all these feelings. Learn to be ok with them, but most important learn to forgive yourself for not being perfect.

10- Don’t lose yourself: Whatever you do, it is very important that you stay true to yourself; your beliefs; your interests; your desires; your hobbies; your friends and everything that made you- you.

Don’t lose yourself in the whole stepmom thing that you totally neglect what really made you alive. Should you make such a mistake, you will build a lot of resentment towards your marriage and blended family without realising it. Make time to do the things that keep you alive.

Make time for your friends and your family. Pursue your career if it’s important to you. Go to the movies with your girlfriends every once in a while. Continue attending the women groups that you were involved with. Don’t leave your clubs. Whatever you do, don’t lose yourself or else you will lose your soul.

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how to deal with divorce

How to Deal with a Divorce – 7 Key Financial Tips for Women Going Through Divorce

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financial plan
Mary Waring
Independent Financial Advisor and The Wealthy Woman: A Man is Not a Financial Plan: A Woman’s Guide to Achieving Financial

Mary Waring is a Chartered Financial Planner who specialises in giving financial advice to women.

Her fabulous strap-line is “A Man’s not a Financial Plan”.  

In this interview, Mary gives some really sound financial advice for women and mums going through divorce.

When you meet with a financial planner, do get a fixed fee quote rather than an hourly rate.  They’ll tell you what you will get for your money and how much it’s going to cost.  You don’t need to have millions to seek advice.  

Here are Mary’s 7 financial tips for women on how to deal with a divorce:

Talk to a solicitor.

One thing you really need to know about is the financial order.  If and once you’re divorced, realise that either partner can still make a financial claim against the other.  It’s not just about the money at hand but it’s also about the monies that may come your way at a later date, such as an inheritance or where your earrings increase.

Even if you’ve drafted a financial agreement between yourselves, that you both agreed to, unless you’ve both had legal advice and have a full financial disclosure, that agreement will not be binding.

The financial claim can actually stay open indefinitely unless it’s been dismissed by a court order and it is for that reason, that Mary suggests you seek a solicitor’s advice.

Make a full disclosure of all your financial assets and income. 

It can be tempting to not disclose, everything, particularly if you think your husband may not be disclosing fully, but Mary warns that, chances are if you don’t make full discloser it will be discovered. And if you’re discovered you will have lost credibility and of course there will be extra costs.

Unfortunately this recording is no longer available

Keep in mind, not just what you want but actually what you need as a minimum.

If you’re in a large house, with the with children, chances are you will want to stay in the house because you want as little disruption as possible for the children.

However, you do have to consider, if indeed you can afford to run the house  if you stay in it and/or if the family finances sufficient for you to stay in the house.

If the family finances up till now have supported one house and the husband moves out, the husband still has to have accommodation somewhere, so it’s the same pot of money, paying for a separate property. 

If there is not enough money to cover that, you need to recognise that from the beginning.  There’s no point in saying, “I want to stay in the house and I’m not moving,” because if there’s not enough money for that, you’re not going to end up with it.  

What about stay at home mums? 

If this is you, you need to know, that if you’re at home with the children and have not been working, it doesn’t mean that you are entitled to a lower share of the assets than if you were out working.  Equal weight is given to both the domestic and financial contributions.

What about “common law wives”?  Would she have the same rights as a married woman? 

This is the most terrible myth!  It is widely believed, by a lot of women, that if they’re cohabiting, particularly if they’ve got children, that they will have the same rights as a spouse. 

The fact is, in law, there is no such thing as a common law wife and that’s regardless of how long you’ve been together, or if you have children or not.  The children will be looked after, yes, but the “common law wife” herself has no rights at all.  So for women in this situation, they will have to either consider marriage or a cohabitation agreement that is designed to give that partner some protection if the relationship does go wrong later down the road.

There’s more to the interview so do have a listen.

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Brené Brown on Toxic shame and Vulnerability

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The Power of Vulnerability
Brene Brown

I found the video below and couldn’t think of a better place to share it than on an online magazine that talks about divorce and the emotions that one can feel when going through divorce, the divorce process and at time in life after divorce.

“Vulnerability is not weakness.”  Brene Brown

Do you think vulnerability is weakness or do you think it’s pure courage?

After 12 years of doing research in this area, Brene Brown has been working in this field of vulnerability and shame and she has concluded that vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. – Brene Brown

When you want to change, when you want to grow and move away or forward to place where you have never been, your creativity kicks in to allow for this change to occur.  You become aware that by doing this, you will be seen. You will become visible and so will your vulnerability.

But what about shame?  Why do we have to talk about shame, an emotion referred to so aptly by Brene Brow as  the “swampland of the soul”?

Can you talk about divorce and not talk about shame or at least feel it?

Going through divorce will more often than not bring on the feelings of shame, whether you’re the leaver of the left.

So many a people have decided to stay in very difficult marriages and relationships for varied reasons.

But for the ones who leave, the ones who need to actually get out before their soul shrivels and dies, the feeling of shame and fear can be enormous.

How does shame affect you?

“When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door and you think I’m going in and I’m going to try this, shame is the gremlin who says, ‘uh, uh, you’re not good enough, you never finished that MBA, your wife left you…shame is that thing…Shame is not guilt.  Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behaviour…Secrecy, silence and judgement – the 3 ingredients to allow shame to grow.  But douse it with empathy and it cannot survive.”

 

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attraction and dating
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How to Get a Date in 28 Days (Part 4) – Practical Magic: A Guide to Attraction and Dating

Published on
Moving on after divorce or separation
Shelley Whitehead
Relationship Coach

This is the 4th part in our series on How to Get a Date in 28 Days.

In this interview Shelley Whitehead, certified life and relationship coach, talks about – Practical Magic: A guide to attraction and dating

You can listen to the previous interviews here:

Part 1 – Clearing your Space, Mind and Body 
Part 2 –  Removing Obstacles to Love
Part 3 – Living the Dream – Power, Passion and Purpose

Here’s some of what Shelley had to say in this interview on attraction and dating.

The dating world is a training ground for learning more about yourself.

If you’re coming out of a long term relationship, dating is foreign to you and there’s nothing better to get you on your way than getting out there and dating!

I encourage multi-dating.  This provides you with options and means that you are actively involved in the dating world.  This is one of the finest ways to increase your confidence, to learn about yourself and to learn how to handle men in a very authentic and vulnerable way.  Where you love your life.

When you are out there dating and multi-dating, remain honest and genuine that, that is what you are doing.

Let them know that you are out there having fun, looking to identify your ideal partner and you’re enjoying doing it!  This attitude to dating and life makes you even more attractive.

Here’s a great tip ladies on attraction and dating:

When you are out there, meeting someone new, when you ask questions be interested in the answers, be interested in his life.  Be complimentary about what is great about what he does.

Show interest and avoid talking about yourself all the time.  It can be quite off putting.  This is something you would like for yourself so do it for them too.

A woman who is working with high values, has boundaries.  She respects herself, she respects her time and she needs to put this across.

Listen, learn and enjoy the rest of this illuminating and helpful interview where Shelley talks about how and where to meet single men

Shelley is a Relationship Coach to Women ready to embrace a Second Chance at Finding Love. She works with individuals and groups of Divorced & Bereaved women, and those who have been disappointed in love – shelleyjwhitehead.com

photo credit: romantic evening via photopin (license)

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Living the Dream
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How to Get a Date in 28 Days (Part 3) – Living the Dream – Power, Passion and Purpose

Published on
Moving on after divorce or separation
Shelley Whitehead
Relationship Coach
This is the 3rd part in our series on How to Get a Date in 28 Days.

 

In this interview Shelley Whitehead, certified life and relationship coach, talks about Living the Dream – Power, Passion and Purpose.

 

Part 1 – Clearing your Space, Mind and Body 
Part 2 –  Removing Obstacles to Love

 

Here’s what she had to say on  Living the Dream – Power, Passion and Purpose:

What makes a woman most attractive to a man?

We know that men are visual so we need to take care of ourselves but always first for ourselves before we do it for anyone else.

 

But what really makes a woman attractive? I’ve broken that down into four qualities:
  • She’s confident.  Just as we love confident men, men find women who are confident about themselves, about what she is doing in life, about her feelings and her thoughts attractive.  She portrays a genuine confidence about where she’s going and what she loves.  Men love confident women.
  • She’s authentic.  This is about being very honest and genuine about what you think and what you feel without needing to compromise what you value.   It’s that fearless self expression without the desire to say or be anything purely to impress anybody or anyone.  It’s about being true to your own personality despite external pressures to conform to what the magazines, movies and media portray.  There’s just no room for lying when it comes to being authentic.  The more authentic you are the less fake you feel.

  • She’s vulnerable.  That vulnerable intimate self, makes a woman very attractive.  By being vulnerable I don’t mean being a victim or that you’re coming from a place of weakness.  Vulnerable is open to expressing what you feel, what makes you happy, joyful, what you love to do, it’s your passion.  It’s about the sadnesses, perhaps you had a dog that passed away and that really affected you, it’s about just speaking from you heart. Men connect to women emotionally, that’s what throws a man back in and wants to be with you.  It’s not about what you accomplish, what you do, who you are, it’s the emotional connection that he builds to you.
  • She loves her life!  She’s not looking to be rescued from a life that is dismal and that doesn’t work for her.  Her life works for her.  She loves it!  It’s full because she’s learned how to enhance her life and embrace her life.  She doesn’t need rescuing from her life by a prince charming and be taken into another life.  That’s very often the mistake women make; they’re looking for someone to rescue them from the ho humness of a life that isn’t working for them.

There’s no one who’s ever going to complete you.  Two halves don’t make a whole. Two halves make two halves!

Listen, learn and enjoy the rest of this absolutely informative interview with Shelley.

If you haven’t listened to Part 1 and 2 you can do so here – removing-obstacles-to-love and here-  removing-obstacles-to-love

 

Shelley is a Relationship Coach to Women ready to embrace a Second Chance at Finding Love. She works with individuals and groups of Divorced & Bereaved women, and those who have been disappointed in love – shelleyjwhitehead.com

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How to Get a Date In 28 Days (Part 2) – Removing Obstacles to Love

Published on
Moving on after divorce or separation
Shelley Whitehead
Relationship Coach

This interview is part 2 of  How to Get a Date In 28 Days.  You can listen to part 1 here –  Clearing your space, body and mind

Here’s some of what Shelley had to say in Part 2 – Removing Obstacles to Love

It really about exorcising, getting rid off in a very serious way, the beliefs and the behaviours that chase men away because these behaviours and beliefs are limiting the ones that hold us back in any area of life. 

They are what limits us or limits the ability to take action and live our dreams and generally that dream is, after experiencing the loss of a partner, it’s being able to cope with life and feel happy again.  It’s about being able to manifest and find the ideal partner.

We are wired for connection, that’s something that I absolutely do know and once women have gone through that clearing phase, life begins to take on an absolute new meaning.

Our outer world is merely a reflection of our inner world. 

What that means is that what you truly believe, deep inside yourself, you’ll start to manifest in your life and in your relationships.  Whatever’s been showing up in your life and in your relationships over time, is what you’ve been focusing your attention on.

A negative belief become a negative expectation.  We end up with a sabotaging behaviour, we get a negative outcome which confirms that negative belief.

That’s why I’m very clear about one thing; it’s about who we hang out with.  This is so very important when it comes to raising the bar in your life.  If you’re wanting to be happy, enjoy your job, manifest a great relationship, be a wonderful mum, it’s important that the people you hang out with believe and want the same thing as you do.

It’s the old expression that you can’t fly with eagles, if you hang out with turkeys.  It becomes very true when you’re looking for a new relationship.

Some limiting beliefs that I hear from women include:

  • I’m too old
  • I’m too fat
  • All the good men are taken
  • There aren’t any decent men around
  • I just meet the same kind of man over and over again
  • The dating sites don’t work, there’s just rubbish men on them

These beliefs often keep us in repetitive patterns because they build up a story based on past experiences and now stop love from coming in even if that’s our deepest desire.  They are going to continue until they clear and it all begins with our thoughts.

A thought has to be true for it to become a belief that’s why we need to start eliminating the negative thoughts so that they can begin to die.  And awareness is the key to all change.

Listen, learn and enjoy the rest of the interview with Shelley, to find out how to begin eliminating these negative thoughts and beliefs.

Look out for part 3 tomorrow – How to Get a Date in 28 Days (Part 3) – Living the Dream -Power, Passion and Purpose

Shelley is a Relationship Coach to Women ready to embrace a Second Chance at Finding Love. She works with individuals and groups of Divorced & Bereaved women, and those who have been disappointed in love – shelleyjwhitehead.com

 

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How Get a Date in 28 Days (Part 1) – Clearing: Your Space and Your Body

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Moving on after divorce or separation
Shelley Whitehead
Relationship Coach

Clearing your space and body is so vitally important before we begin dating.

Certified Life Coach and Relationship Coach,  Shelley talks about her own dating journey when she found herself alone following the passing of her first husband.

She shares the mistakes she made because she wasn’t sure what she was looking for.  When she felt ready to get back into the dating world, Shelley’s dating history included meeting a Mr Muller, Mr Triathlon all the way to Mr Cocaine.

For women who have been in long term relationships and now find themselves alone, dating can be a really tricky world to manoeuvre.  Being so used to being in a couple, they may find that their life has changed completely and part of their identity has been lost.

In this interview, the first of four, Shelley explains what the clearing phase entails – it’s about clearing the body, the mind and physical space.

When it comes to clearing the physical, Shelley advices the women to literally go through the home, from top to bottom and only keep those things that they find, valuable, useful and beautiful.  If it doesn’t fit in any three of these categories, then it’s time to get rid of it.

When it comes to clearing the body, it means looking at yourself and you decide what it is that you really like and appreciate about yourself.  Shelley has yet to meet a woman who really, really loves her body but it’s about working with what you really appreciate about yourself and enhancing it.

Men are visual creatures so we need to be in the best possible shape for ourselves because it, not only helps you as a person, but also makes you more comfortable when you do start dating.

When it comes to the mind and clearing the mind in preparation for our next relationship or in preparation for the dating world, it means getting rid of the attitudes and the beliefs and the behaviours, that don’t serve us.

It means really making sure that our mind is in a great space.  That this relationship we have with ourselves is in a really good space that we are able to embrace and welcome in a new partner.  The new partner that we will be able to identify in the dating world.

It’s about the behaviour and beliefs that we carry in our mind that do not serve us.

There’s so much more in this interview, so listen, learn and enjoy.

Look out for Part 2 tomorrow or you can listen to it here now – How to Get a Date In 28 Days (Part 2) Removing Obstacles to Love

Shelley is a Relationship Coach to Women ready to embrace a Second Chance at Finding Love. She works with individuals and groups of Divorced & Bereaved women, and those who have been disappointed in love.

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Helping Children of Divorce cope with Divorce

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Stacey Hart
Stacey Hart Co-founder A Kids Space

Stacey Hart and Emma Cohn run a support program in London for children going through divorce.    

In this interview Stacey talks to us about children and divorce explaining how divorced parents can help children in coping with divorce and what it takes for them to have a good enough life after divorce.

What is the impact of divorce on children?

Stacey explains that the main issue they found with children of divorce is a reaction that is very similar to the grieving process.  

Dealing with divorce and the divorce process is like going through a bereavement; the shock, sadness, denial and angry about what has happened to them is very real.  They are also frightened and experience some anxiety too.  

What can parents to do help their children during and after the divorce process?

  • Be honest with the children and keep telling them that they are still loved
  • Remind that that the divorce wasn’t their fault
  • Stick to the boundaries that you had before
  • Provide them with as much support as possible
  • What parents can do to help
  • Have the same routine every week as this can play a role in helping lessen anxiety
  • Avoid heated conversations in front of the children
  • Try and make transitions between homes as smooth as possible
  • Avoid making promises that you cannot keep

Should children have a say in where they live?

Yes.  They should have a voice.  They should not have to make major decisions though but they need to be able to communicate to their parents what it is that they want.

Stacey Hart is an experienced counsellor who has been working with children, young people and adults for the last 10 years.

More recently she has been working in the field of child bereavement-facilitating, devising and delivering workshops.

Stacey is a member of the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists.

For more information about A Kids Space click here – akidspace.co.uk

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