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Children Need Both Parents in their Lives after Divorce

Published on July 10, 2015September 14, 2019

Women and Divorce — Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

It may be tempting to keep your children away from your ex when you are angry with her, or he is behind with child support.

Are your thwarting time with the other parent for the children’s sake, or for yours?

Be clear on the motivation behind your actions. A parent may think that they have good reasons to stop visitation, however youngsters need both parents in their lives.

One may be angry at what a jerk a former partner is, however they still have the right to maintain a parent-child relationship. There are even programs to help inmates maintain a positive relationship with their kids while they are incarcerated.

Kids are shrewd and will get it at some point that one parent is hampering contact with the absent one.

One young woman completely cut off ties with her father after realizing the wall he built between her and her mum was due to his lies and manipulations. A child did not feel close to her mother because of her frequent putdowns of her father and bursts of anger.

Interfering with a child’s relationship with the other parent can come back and bite you on the bum. Instead, model generosity in sharing them with their other parent and being flexible if plans need to be tweaked for special occasions.

Various studies have shown that kids who have both parents in their lives do better on cognitive tests and have less behavioural issues. The US Department of Health said children who have contact with both parents have stronger academic skills and more emotional control.

children of divorce need both parents — Kids are shrewd and will get it at some point that one parent is hampering contact with the absent one.

A Swedish study found that stress caused headaches, stomach aches and insomnia in kids. In two parent homes when children had close contact with both mum and dad, these health issues were reduced.

I have also seen kids with these aches in my school nurse’s office when co-parenting was confrontational or the other parent was not in the picture.

There are legal consequences to be faced when obstructing court mandated shared care. The other parent can haul you before a judge in contempt of court for violating the parenting plan and divorce decree.

A court order (amount of shared care) is a binding legal decree and not a suggestion.

A parent may lose custody or have a decrease in shared care time by hindering visitation.

Parental alienation is when one parent is trash talking the other one and persuading the child to turn against the absent parent. Slander is a serious charge and is when a person makes false allegations against someone else. This can end up as a law suit.

If there are legitimate concerns of abuse, neglect, or child endangerment, follow an appropriate course of action and not take the law into your own hands.

In an urgent situation, call the police. Otherwise, share concerns with the Cafcass officer, your solicitor/mediator, or domestic violence shelter. Document any perceived abuse. Inquire about setting up supervised visitation or having it at a Children’s Contact Centre. These are ways to keep your child safe, ease your anxiety, and foster a relationship with the co-parent.

People that make the news are not the parents that follow the directive of shared care, but the ones who do a runner with a kid or throw a spanner into the works of visitation.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Step-Parenting

A Divorced Parent’s Guide to Step-Parents

Published on July 8, 2015November 11, 2018

Parents often do not realize what a step-parent’s role is and cast them into other unwanted ones.

Two step-parents resented their assigned positions of negotiator and grief counsellor.

Some step-parents said that they are a family friend to the children and not a go-between for the parents.

Trevor married a woman with children, who had gone through a contentious divorce.

Dealing with her ex was challenging and she admitted to being impatient and losing her cool. Her mild-mannered second husband was drafted to be the intermediary between these two warring parents. Trevor was the unofficial negotiator trying to find a middle ground for co-parenting.

When I saw him, Trevor was suffering from low back pain as a result of this stressful circumstance. He had heard that emotional issues could also affect the back, with not feeling supported correlating with low back pain. Using that as a wakeup call, we devised strategies on how Trevor would inform his wife and her ex that he was vacating the position of negotiator. His role was husband – to be supportive of his wife and to enjoy his step-kids without managing their co-parents.

blended families — A step-parent is a loving, but more neutral party for receiving confidences.

Trevor convinced the former couple to work with a mediator and this was an effective solution to an unhappy situation.

No matter how well your new spouse gets along with your former one – allow them to be friends and not enlist your new partner as a messenger.

Find a professional for the negotiator role.

Angus and Katharine, both divorced, met at a conference and the attraction was powerful.

They got married and both had children who did well in this blended family, although only Katharine’s daughter Kim lived with them.

Katharine tried to be on good terms with her ex and he was invited over on holidays and family events. Angus and Edward became good friends and had similar interests. Kim would say how lucky she was to have two such great dads. Later when Kim turned twenty-three, she was killed in an auto accident. Understandably, Katharine and Edward had breakdowns and kept thanking Angus for his support and called him a rock.

Angus was crying when he asked me why they do not get that he had a ball of hurt inside and is grieving too. We discussed having Angus explain his grief to the parents and suggest that they meet with a grief counsellor since he could not continue this role.

Parents, please understand that a step-parent loves a child and is broken up by her catastrophic illness or death. They have to deal with their own grief and cannot be forced to take on other people’s as well.

Step-parents are great for lowering tension when an angry teen is annoyed at both parents.

At times mine seemed like aliens and my step-mum shared stories from her youth. Seems like her mum and dad did crazy things like mine did.

A step-parent is a loving, but more neutral party for receiving confidences. Step-parents may love their new children with an intensity that surprises even them.

In several cases both dads walked the young women down the aisle in their marriage ceremonies. If things are spiralling out of control, a life or divorce coach can help people get their lives back on track.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Coping with Divorce

Divorce and Pre-Divorce Strategies

Published on June 18, 2015November 11, 2018

What is done during separation may not hold up for divorce proceedings.

Get everything in writing even when happily married, since people can change their minds or show their true colours at a later date. This is particularly important if one’s parents are part of financial investments.

Kate married kind and thoughtful Edmund. Her parents gave her half of the price for their new home to use as their down payment. Edmund readily acknowledged that the parents owned half of the house. The mistake was not having the parents pay the financial institution directly and having their names put on the deed.

Years later Edmund became condescending and thought they ought to live as if in a permanent medieval festival.

He started dressing the part and eschewing modern conveniences. They parted ways and Edmund signed a separation agreement with one point admitting he owned twenty five percent of the home.

When it came time for a divorce, the separation agreement was not binding and Kate was forced to buy him out of his perceived fifty percent share, since there was no official record of the parental contribution.

She had opened a store and had to compensate Edmund for this enterprise as well.

pre-divorce strategies — Years later Edmund thought they ought to live as if in a permanent medieval festival.

Kate advises having a clean break and making sure that everything signed is final and one spouse cannot come back at a later date to try and get money out of the other one.

The one thing that made her divorce easier is that the children were in their early twenties and custody and co-parenting were not in the picture. She stated that their relationship with their father did not involve her.

Edmund wanted Kate to pay for the divorce, since she had initiated it.

In this situation, try to compromise with an angry spouse. She obtained a fixed price from her solicitor for an uncontested divorce and got Edmund to go along and pay for half.

Kate felt Edmund turned into someone quite nasty and the divorce was a relief, even though she struggled financially.

Sometimes people change and therapy is effective when someone is willing to work on themselves and the marriage. Edmund claimed everything was Kate’s fault and she was glad to escape this situation.

Kate did not realize how stressed and burdened she was until her staff and customers commented how radiant she had become. She jokes that she feels so much lighter since she lost two hundred pounds (Edmund).

What kept Kate’s sanity was having the routine and distraction of her store. She advises even in tough times, having a focus on something else (like her business) helps one to get through divorce and move on. Having a job and promoting her business kept her mind and time occupied so she did not dwell on the past.

Accept what you cannot change (divorce settlement) and get on with life. She has written a book on quilting, does an online program and invents quilting patterns. Teaching classes has expanded her business and she picks fun places, such as an upcoming two day course she will be presenting in Germany.

Reframe how you perceive a situation. Is it the end or an exciting new beginning? Your choice.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Men Dealing with Divorce

Published on June 15, 2015November 11, 2018

Several men stated that post-divorce is the opportunity for change and be can be the catalyst for trying something new.

They said when their divorced friends clung to the past they did not fare as well in the post-divorce period. The past cannot be altered, but knowledge gained can be invaluable for moving on.

Terry was adamant that men have to do work on themselves after a bad break up before getting into a new relationship.

His buddies that got divorce number two did not pause to reflect upon their part which ended the marriage and what could be done differently the next time around.

He advises men not to rush into a new partnership too quickly and make sure they understand how to communicate more effectively. He had a session with a therapist and has been blissfully wedded to his second wife for fifteen years.

One man feels that he got a divorce too quickly and could have worked out differences with his wife.

He tells other men not to be in a rush for a divorce when hitting a bad patch during marriage. They did not have marital counselling which may have gotten their relationship back on track. He has a job which involves frequent travel and he misses his two young daughters.

He jumped into a new relationship right away and has doubts about being with this new girlfriend. This “what if” situation is keeping him in a holding pattern and he is not moving on. Be clear that a relationship is truly over before getting into another one.

Some men commented that some of their divorced peers were living on junk food. Dr Kawachi of the Harvard School of Public Health’s study of 30,000 men indicated this result.

Men Dealing with Divorce: Research shows a decrease in a healthy lifestyle.

Recently divorced men tended to have a decrease in a healthy lifestyle, partly due to eating less vegetables and consuming more fried food. Although this is changing, in many households, women were the main chefs during marriage. In the States, there is a trend for single men to take some basic cooking classes which then negates this issue of divorce.

The New England Research Institute’s research indicates that 62% of men relied on their wives as their principle social support. Studies by various universities correlate having friends and a good social network positively impacts the immune system in reducing the frequency of colds and the flu.

Others show the healthy effect of a wide social circle on longevity. For example, a study done at Flinders’ University in Australia found that 22% of 1500 older subjects who had many friends, outlived those who only had a few. Men that get out and meet new people or strengthen the bond already made with others, tend to have an easier time post-divorce, than their less connected peers.

Men that have routines felt that they had more control in their lives or knew what to expect in the turbulent divorce period. Some have specific routines with their children, such as a Saturday morning breakfast out or Sunday afternoon engaging in physical activities or sports. Some take the kids or go solo to their parents’ place for a weekly get-together. Others set up weekly meets at the pub with mates for darts. Building weekly fun or interactions into the schedule got some guys through the craziness of divorce.

Consider watching the hilarious film “The Odd Couple” with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. These two fellows navigate the post-divorce period with a lot of laughs and some mistakes. Great fun.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Relationship in Trouble

When to Divorce?

Published on June 4, 2015November 11, 2018

Some people have said that they waited too long before divorcing, but I have yet to hear someone say they jumped the gun and initiated one too soon.

There are many factors involved in determining if and when a divorce ought to commence. A main one seems to be regarding children and their ages.

One man felt that he stayed seven years too long in his marriage, choosing to wait until the last child went off to uni. He stated that the love was gone and the marriage was dead – however he stayed because he wanted to see his kids every day.

In hindsight, he thinks it harmed his sons witnessing coldness and disinterest between a married couple.

Another stayed in an unhappy marriage since her husband was their sons’ Boy Scout troop leader. She thought the boys would feel more secure with both parents in the home. Eight years post-divorce her sons are still asking what took her so long to file for divorce.

When to Divorce

For those on the fence about whether to stay or go, The Divorce Magazine UK has a link to various resources that are invaluable in the pre-divorce period too.

Maypole Women has resources as well for women and children in a potential divorce situation. Relate and Retrouvaille do marital counselling to see if the relationship can be repaired.

There are instances when a line is crossed and one spouse chooses to exit the marriage quickly. For example, a lad let slip that his father was showing him and his brother internet porn. The woman confronted her husband who denied it, but she said that she was having it investigated. He left her right away and s he filed for divorce a week later. No amount of counselling could have changed her opinion to stay in this marriage.

Other times the admission of an affair brings on the death of a marriage. The betrayed spouse may not want to bestow another chance on the guilty party, so proceeds with filing for a divorce.

When there is abuse – get yourself, the youngsters and pets out of the house. That does not automatically mean a divorce is imminent – just that safety is the top priority. Sometimes with therapy and anger management classes, the abuser can be rehabilitated and the marriage is salvageable.

One criteria for deciding upon divorce is how much inappropriate behaviour is witnessed or directed at the children. When one parent is knocking around the other one – that is detrimental for the kids to see.

It is hard to watch a spouse self-destruct via alcohol or drugs. One may be supportive, but wonder when enough is enough.

Consider getting therapy or joining Al-Anon. “Al-Anon Family Groups provide support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking, regardless of whether that person is still drinking or not. For some of our members, the wounds still run deep, even if their loved one may no longer be a part of their lives or have died.”

Some people have included in the parenting plan that the impaired parent is not allowed to drive the children anywhere. Visitation can be at a relative’s or at a Children’s Contact Centre.

A couple can drift along in different directions and find themselves without much in common. This can happen when facing an Empty Nest.

What some couples have done was to take up a new project, such as buying a fixer-upper cottage in the UK or abroad. This injected a new vitality, passion and focus to their lives and relationship, plus gave them something to talk about.

Several couples took up a sport or hobby, such as golf. They hit the links at home as well as in exotic locales. Others discovered a shared interest and became certified in scuba diving or volunteered with EarthWatch.

When boundaries are violated or a spouse is disrespectful and belittling, that is I when have seen couples getting divorced. Relationships may limp along until one or both decide to put it out of its misery with a divorce.

The opposite of love is not hate, but rather it is indifference.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce

Co-Parenting Advice: The Hits and Misses

Published on May 29, 2015September 14, 2019

A relationship between two parents does not stop after the divorce papers and parenting plan are signed.

Recognize that the co-parenting relationship is a process which evolves into something different in the post-divorce period.

Serena is divorced with two young daughters and thought the relationship with their father would just fall into its own natural rhythm. She assumed that they would naturally know how to communicate and was surprised when this did not happen.

There were triggers that set them each off and she learned to go on and mistakes will happen. What improved communication was ceasing phone calls and doing most of it by text. Texting enabled it to be more impersonal and helped Serena to delete emotion from the content.

Understanding that males and females have different styles of communication, allows Serena to just present facts or a simple request without a long story. One time she wanted the girls returned two hours later, but gave a detailed reason why. Her ex was fine with the request itself, but became embroiled in the reason for it, and they had an argument.

Serena has tips for raising children in two households and being on the same page with their other parent.

Keep kids out of your dating/sex life.

When married, her four year old was the one who broke the news of her husband’s affair (Daddy loves your friend and she loves Daddy).

Post-divorce they agreed to wait at least three months before introducing a new love interest to the children. She was floored when this same child talked about Daddy’s new girlfriend that he met last week and what a great cat and dog she has. Then the father took the youngsters on a camping trip with Amy, a week or so later, during which the adults had some private time in their tent.

co-parenting advice — Co-parenting advice: Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Serena met Amy at her daughters’ school faire. Her ex put his hand down inside Amy’s trousers on her bum, in front of many children. At least at family and school events, Serena suggests having decorum.

School events are a time when both parents want to see their kids. Recognize your comfort zone and whether you want to sit together or not. Serena realized that the girls are happy to have their parents in the audience and their seating arrangement is unimportant.

Decide on the importance of school attendance. Serena got a call from school one day asking why her daughters were not there. Serena is a teacher and became very upset. Her ex had taken the girls camping over a bank holiday which happened to be on his birthday. He did not ask/inform Serena that he was keeping the girls from school for a day.

Have pick up/drop off in a neutral location, such as the kids’ school.

Serena allowed their father to come over on some mornings, fix the girls breakfast and get them off to school when he had visitation. Serena had to be at her school early before her daughters’ classes started, so it seemed like this was a good arrangement.

She was caught in the façade of “happy family” and this delayed getting over her ex and marriage. Her wounds were raw from her ex’s infidelity and seeing him moving around her house made them feel worse.

A clean break would have been the best for moving on.

When Serena instigated the school for the exchanges, it made such a difference for her.

Energetically the house feels 100% hers (previously the marital home), now that her ex no longer comes over there. For shared care, they have a large carrier bag that contains jackets and other items that go between houses. Otherwise, they have clothes at each house.

In the past, Serena and her former spouse got together on holidays with the girls. There was tension between them and friction with each other’s extended families. It helps that Serena is Christian and her ex is Jewish, so there are less compromises to make regarding the religious days.

Her daughters are asking to have more time with their mother and Serena rues that the mediator set up 50/50 shared time. She is going back to the mediator to work with their father to get a schedule with less transitions and more time at her house. Serena is happy that her girls have a close relationship with their father and feels that co-parenting is getting a little easier as time goes by.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Your Divorce Stories

Serial Dating after Divorce and You.

Published on May 19, 2015November 11, 2018

After divorce, take a breather before dating again. This especially holds true when one’s spouse had an affair and left them for someone else.

It may be tempting to jump into someone’s arms (or bed) right after a divorce to reaffirm that you are the sexy person you once were pre-marriage.

Resist that temptation. The ego is hurt after an affair and serial dating is not the cure. A one night stand is not the balm to heal the ego, but merely a temporary quick fix.

When Serial Dating after Divorce Happens

Serena’s husband left her for her friend.

It was such a shock to her ego that she wanted instant validation from other men. She was desperate to be reassured that she was sexy and desirable since her husband had been getting sex elsewhere during marriage.

Looking back, Serena said that the men attracted to her were not really available emotionally or by circumstance. She was dating similar men to her husband. None were willing to commit or contemplate being in a long-term relationship.

They were here just for the present and planning more than a week ahead was out of their comfort zone. These fellows (jerks as she now calls them), were repulsed when told that she had two young children. None of these relationships lasted over three months.

Serena thought she was doing better than she actually was – since she felt popular. She had so many short-terms relationships which she equated with popularity. Serena sought validation externally, instead of having it internally since her self-worth had taken a nose dive.

Dating so many people in a short-time is a distraction (as for Serena) which keeps one from addressing their own issues and work which needs to be done.

This type of distraction keeps the focus on partners and off introspection and what may be uncomfortable in oneself that prevents moving on.

After her husband’s betrayal, Serena did not feel valued and looked to dates to provide this.

Think twice before getting sexually involved with your ex.

Serena had poor boundaries post-divorce and wished she had said goodbye with a clean break – as she had done financially through mediation. She said it was not appropriate to have continued to have sex with her former husband and paid the price for it. It muddied the waters when she started dating again and was trying to move on.

Her ex parted ways with her friend and Serena had difficulty accepting his new girlfriends. Her therapist helped her to see this behaviour was not helpful to either of them.

Reaching out to others and forming new social connections lessened Serena’s need to get validation from dates. As she became more empowered through therapy, Serena no longer sought out validation as she discovered her own self-worth and strengths.

She recommends nurturing yourself, whether it is getting a latte, being in nature or doing other pleasurable pursuits. This self-nurturing is important for moving on and being fulfilled in life.

She started an exercise program, continued to meditate and ate more nutritious foods. When Serena no longer required a relationship to feel valued, she slowed down and took time getting to know people. Once Serena got out of thinking “poor little me”, realized that many others were also suffering and that she was not alone, her life turned around.

Serena is dating a wonderful fellow who loves and appreciates her.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Relationship in Trouble

Coping with Adultery and Divorce

Published on May 18, 2015November 11, 2018

A spouse’s reaction to suspected infidelity can leave one wondering if they are imagining things after being informed they are misinterpreting a casual friendship.

People may overlook tell-tale signs to keep the status quo, avoid acknowledging adultery and divorce or because they have been put down so many times, making it difficult to differentiate fact from fiction.

In Serena’s case, her philandering spouse put the blame on her, saying she was not trusting him.

Serena had a baby and a toddler and felt as if something was not quite right in her marriage.

Her husband John, was between jobs and Serena thought getting him some paid handyman work would be beneficial.

Her friend was opening a bookshop and required assistance in painting, putting up shelves and so forth. John later told his wife that her friend yelled at him and helping her was not a good experience. He became more distant and pursued activities late into the night, such as “skiing under a full moon” (five nights in a row). She asked if he was seeing someone and he accused her of being too controlling.

Then John asked for a short trip as his birthday present – by himself. He also wanted to take it a month before his birthday over Valentine’s Day weekend.

Being sleep deprived contributed to her not getting to the bottom of this bizarre behaviour.

Two months later John asked “How would you feel if I was interested in someone else? Could we still be married if I slept with her?”

Serena answered “No, that doesn’t work for me.” John said “okay.” Serena said she wondered why she did not take those questions as a clue.

The holy woman from India, Amma G, had been Serena’s spiritual guide for over a decade. Amma G did a blessing for the family and her husband felt badly and came clean. He had watched Serena going down a dark tunnel before this and told her about having an affair with her friend. A shocked Serena thanked her husband for revealing this and said “now I know what I have to do.”

Adultery and Divorce — She called this friend at her shop and said that she would be there soon.

She called this friend at her shop and said that she would be there soon. Her friend was giggly, nervous and refused to make eye contact. Serena told her that she knew about their affair and stated “I need you to leave my family alone. Don’t you ruin our lives.”

Serena learned through this experience to stand up for herself. She also took the high road and did not report the affair to the other woman’s husband.

Serena said that she felt betrayed by them both with this double whammy. The rug was pulled out from under her and she hit rock bottom.

She realized that she could lose her job if she did not get help. She went into survival mode and was not capable of doing all of the necessary daily tasks. Serena did not cook for months and took the kids to Whole Foods five days a week. Her therapist said not to feel bad because Serena was providing nutritious food. Serena said that she “feared so much” and did not want to show that mummy was struggling.

Serena found that having a therapist who gave unconditional support was critical for getting through divorce.

There was a period during the divorce when Serena was clinically depressed, but refused pharmaceuticals. After barely being above water, Serena gave anti-depressants a go and was amazed at the difference in her life. She was so grateful for this major positive change.

This was for short-term and she needed that boost to feel better. At a retreat, Serena went off the medication and still felt great. On her return, Serena called her doctor, who agreed to taper her off these pills.

Serena said that exercise helped her to feel so much better, including stabilizing her emotional state. She felt much depleted, so having good nutrition helped her get back on track.

She eventually started cooking again, especially comfort foods like chicken noodle soup. Having a close circle of friends was supportive, but they did not know what to do or say. Serena learned to make the first move and makes a meal now for friends who are in a trauma.

Serena was getting validation from others who told her that she was looking so much better. The outer world was seeing a composed Serena when internally she thought she was a mess. This enabled her to realize that she really was getting better. Serena said it is like building muscle – you do not notice it at first and then you feel it.

People reflected back to her that she seemed better, which was like building that muscle and she felt the positive change. Meditation was invaluable during this turbulent time even if for only ten minutes. She learned to honour herself and built treats into her schedule.

Two years after Serena confronted her former friend regarding the affair, she had a strong feeling to return. Serena told this woman that she forgave her. She also stated that she is a much stronger woman and her life is better now. Serena felt it was time to get this episode over completely and closed this chapter of her life.

Serena went from being withdrawn and sad to vivacious, and enjoying life.

(There’s an interivew with Dr Bisbey on “Can a marriage survive infidelity?” You can watch it here – after-the-affair)

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce

South America Tours with Children

Published on May 7, 2015September 14, 2019

Travelling to South America is doable with youngsters, when staying in a central location and taking day trips.

My young sons and I stayed in Cuzco, Peru and took excursions to must-see attractions nearby. My travel agent arranged for a packaged trip with hotels, meet & greet at airports, and a personal guide with a car.

My kids were too young to be on a group tour – yet we got a great price with these services bundled together.

One day we took the train to the astounding Machu Picchu and did a guided tour in a group once there. Consider going to this site near the beginning of the trip in case the kids get burned out on Inca ruins, plus it is at a lower altitude than Cuzco.

Having our guide with a car meant that the boys could linger playing with llamas and spend less time hearing detailed histories of Inca sites when tired. We could tell the guide just to hit the highlights when our energy was flagging.

One day we passed a lovely inn in the Urubamba Valley and our guide said we would have lunch there a bit later. If the kids are hungry, let your guide know. Ours took us to the town of Ollantaytambo with spectacular ruins. I cut it short, informing the guide that we three were hungry and needed to eat. Clarify what “a bit later” really means and explain when the optimal lunch time is for your family.

The outdoor markets are colourful, full of activity, and a fun way to soak up culture. The Pisac market is on the itineraries and is full of hand knitted wares, musicians and good food. The prices were almost double of the one on the outskirts of Cuzco. Kids can blow off energy running around and looking at the enticing goods.

The altitude of Cuzco is 3400 meters, so have an easy day upon arrival to acclimate. Drink plenty of cocoa leaf tea to help ward off altitude sickness. I took Diamox before and during the trip to prevent altitude sickness. Cuzco is a lovely city with colonial buildings and beautiful churches with ornate décor.

The main plaza is a lively place but use your intuition if a situation does not seem right. Local children surrounded one son and wanted to “borrow” his Gameboy. When I stepped in and confiscated it, the children dispersed quickly. My son later said he was afraid of them. There are a variety of restaurants and we enjoyed cheese fondue at a Swiss one.

Buenos Aires is a family-friendly city with a European feel and a good subway system.

We have been here several times over a four day period in November. That is a good month to go, which is their spring with the jacaranda trees covered in lavender blooms.

On the first trip we went to a gaucho ranch in the countryside with horses. They had an elaborate lunch with a cultural show which was fun.

Most hotels have day trips such as this one, so no need to plan ahead. We mostly went to the fabulous Botanical Garden which contains 5000 species of plants, fountains and greenhouses.

The big draw for us are the cats, who many were former pets. They are well taken care of and fed in this paradise. We saw some familiar faces with subsequent trips, and happily others had been adopted. They are friendly and sat on our laps. Take some cat food with you when visiting this lovely place.

Nearby in this Palermo district is the exquisite Japanese Garden. My boys enjoyed wandering around and stopping for a snack in the Japanese Tea house. On another day, we would walk to the zoo after the Botanical Garden.

Every day we went to the Galerias Pacifico shopping mall which was originally a Beaux Arts Building. The cupola has lovely frescos and this beautiful place has interesting shops and cafes. We got great food and especially enjoyed the lemon meringue pie and coffees. In the pedestrian only area outside of the Galerias Pacifico, there are people performing the classic Argentine tango.

Near our hotel was a McDonalds which served Argentine beef burgers which is easy on the budget. We stayed a short walk away in the Plaza San Martin area with a park. Skip the tiny San Martin subway station where we witnessed a mugging. Instead, walk the ten minutes and use the larger one near Galerias Pacifico. Buenos Aires is a shopper’s paradise with well-priced leather goods, tinwork (I bought picture frames) and other fun stuff for kids.

A friend took her sons on a week cruise around the Galapagos Islands and they were thrilled with all of the wildlife on this adventure.

Two acquaintances from Brazil, go back almost yearly and have talked about how much their kids enjoy that country.

South America has reasonably priced hotels and meals which is wonderful when one’s finances may be tight post-divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce

Single Parent Holidays – How to Travel Light with Children

Published on May 1, 2015September 14, 2019

There are tricks to packing for a holiday to make life easier, whether going alone or with the kids. My sons and I usually only have carry on, and in order to do this we have perfected a few practices.

We save socks and underwear with a hole in them for holidays, so they can be worn and thrown away on the trip. Trousers and shoes that still look okay but are getting a bit worn, are also packed and discarded too.

When my sons were little, I took almost outgrown clothes and left them behind in the hotels with a note.

I went to South Africa right after my divorce and the nice looking shirts that my ex had given me, were worn and donated to a local charity. I went to Egypt with a stuffed carry on and got rid of most of my clothes and had room for many souvenirs.

I do not take a handbag, but only a money pouch that can also hold a few other essentials like lip balm. I carry a small bag for books, snacks, an umbrella, etc around the city or while on tours which takes up no space in my suitcase. I take a larger tote bag as my personal item when travelling, that is roomier than a handbag.

Have a small travel wardrobe that washes well in a hotel or cabin’s sink and can be hung up to dry. This includes nice dresses in washable silk, for more formal affairs. I use the shampoo to wash clothes that is provided by the hotel or ship.

Magazines have foundation, lotion, and serum samples that I save for holidays. I get facials at Neal’s Yard and they are generous with trip size containers of their wonderful products.

How to Travel Light A pharmacy has special days where companies come in and hand out small promotional size goodies in their skin care lines. Stash these away for your next holiday, including the small tubes of toothpaste from your dentist.

I save small eye cream and lip balm containers and put my own creams and lotions into them to save space when packing toiletries.

Our local library has a rack where people leave their magazines and pick up other ones. I get some of these freebies for a trip. I read a book and often leave it in the ship or hotel’s library to lighten my load. Some people swear by the plastic bags that take the air out of clothes and squash them for more packing space, however I have not had much luck with these.

Business travellers often take apparel in just two or three colours to mix and match more easily, especially when they have both casual and formal functions.

When travelling with children, accept strangers’ help.

My toddler had a meltdown in an airport and I was losing my cool. I happily let a grandmother entertain him in his stroller with a new toy that she was giving her grandson. I had a newborn and a pre-schooler on a flight when the man sitting in front of us graciously got my stroller and kids’ luggage down from the overhead locker. Then Tiger Woods even insisted that we got off the plane before him.

Wrap up activity books, travel sized games and other entertaining small toys and dole them out on the trip. I gave my young sons medication for their ears on flights after consulting with their paediatrician, since the other remedies did not help their Eustachian tubes.

I took premeasured formula in a container that held three individual bottles’ worth and only had to put water in the bottle. I dumped in the right amount of powdered formula for each bottle given and this made travelling with a baby very easy. Of course carry extra snacks since there can be flight delays.

One doctor thought she would be smart and gave her young sons an anti-histamine on a long haul flight to get them to sleep most of the way. It was a trip from Hell. She said for the entire flight they screamed and cried like when they were on the verge of sleep at home, but were cranky and did not nap at all on the plane.

This is quoted by many folks, “Take twice the money and half of the clothes that you think that you will need on a trip.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce

How to Travel Around the World Post-Divorce and not Break the Bank

Published on April 27, 2015September 14, 2019

There are ways to explore exotic locales or places closer to home and not break the bank.

The Travel Bug is in our family’s DNA, so I had to learn some financial shortcuts to make this possible.

I am in a group who meets regularly to swap travel stories and tips. My sons claim it is really for travel addicts to get their travel fix.

I have been to over sixty countries and have a few tricks up my sleeve.

One major method for getting airline tickets is using my credit card through an airline. I rack up more miles by having an airline sponsored one, rather than a generic card through a bank, with miles used for various airlines.

My friends that have cash back cards do not get enough for the equivalent of free airline tickets. Usually I have enough miles for my two sons to go to another continent every year or so.

I skip the airline credit card with extra perks- such as several passes to the airport lounge – and get the one that accumulates the most miles with purchases. I put everything, and I mean everything on that card. I only get a haircut or pedicure with aestheticians who take plastic.

Any repair or tradespeople have to accept my visa, or I get someone else. I pay utilities, grocery, petrol, and school fees with my Visa.

Gov.UK charges a 1.4% fee for using a credit card to pay taxes. Even with a fee, it is still worthwhile for me to pay all of my taxes with my airline Visa card. I only charge what I can pay off in entirety each month, so do not accrue any interest charges.

My utility companies charge a nominal fee per transaction (not monthly) to use a credit card for payments. I pay ahead so only pay 3 to 4 transaction fees per year.

The big way to have money to travel is to live simply.

My sons do not have up to date electronics by choice. Cut down on costs in the home, such as keeping the thermostat low and most appliances and gadgets unplugged when not in use.

I buy classic clothes that last and have a small wardrobe specifically for travel.

It is easy to forgo new clothes when I can envision a trip to Asia with the savings.

Travel Around the World My girlfriends like to meet for lattes instead of a meal so they can add to their travel funds as well. When extra money comes my way, it immediately goes to the travel fund.

We have a bright teal canister from Marrakesh which contains coins found on the ground and any extra cash. It is amazing how throwing in coins and five pounds here and there adds up to a holiday.

I buy basic organic groceries, but skip pricier items including fizzy drinks. I have bought new designer clothes at charity shops. Go to free or nearly free concerts and events.

Scrutinize your expenditures to see what can go. Pare down your gift list and inform these recipients (who probably have been wanting to do this too). Some friends asked me to just take them out for a latte instead of exchanging presents.

See if your professional organization has trips or conferences in far flung places. There used to be a travel agency that had trips with daily meetings for four types of professionals and nursing was one of them.

I went to Kenya, Poland, Prague, China and so many other places for a much lower price. A friend recommended another travel agency with incredibly low fares and my sons and I went to India with them.

Ask around or do an online search for travel agencies with consistently great prices. I routinely find wonderful trips that are promotions in UK women’s magazines. Two of my travel agents (now retired) found travel specials that were affordable, including one to Fiji with my mum and little boys.

See how you can cut lodging costs when traveling. My mum took me on a trip to Washington D.C and we stayed in a dorm room and ate some meals there in Georgetown University’s cafeteria.

The American travel guru Rick Steves, recommends taking a packaged tour, but opting out on some of the city excursions. The price and convenience makes it worthwhile to forgo a few paid local tours and balance the trip with some alone time away from the group.

A few people have been pleased with doing house swaps with strangers for a few weeks. Make sure to do this through a reputable company. I went to several travel talks where people recommended doing volunteer work through organizations, such as EarthWatch.

Travel companies and cruise lines that I use, send me e-mails with their special promotions and savings. My former travel agents alerted me when there were specials. When I decide to act upon one of these promotions, such as our Viking River cruise to Christmas markets, I sell something. I have more items than I require, so I take goods, often from a trip, to a consignment shop.

Today I took a lovely hand painted box from Krakow and a wooden jewellery chest from Java to one. Sometimes I have opted for a little less cash and sold items outright to a shop downtown. Metal shops will take old battered sterling silverware or broken chains and give you some pounds for them.

Do you have family china that you do not really want? Sell them and cherish the travel experience in memory of your departed relative. Be creative in slashing costs and discovering fabulous travel deals.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce

Single Parent Holidays – Toddler and Baby Friendly Boltholes

Published on April 20, 2015September 14, 2019

It may not seem like a relaxing holiday with a baby in tow – but with a little pre-planning it can be rewarding for all.

Having a trip with a limited itinerary, such as a beach holiday worked well for us. My baby or toddler loved sitting in the sand playing with a plastic shovel and when older, making sand castles.

The sea creatures and birds added extra entertainment to lazing around at the shore. One parent suggests going to an area that also has a bay, cove or sound near the ocean which is calmer water for the little ones.

The South Pacific surrounding the Cook Islands, is like stepping into a warm, multi-coloured bathtub water – just perfect for tiny children. Taking my young sons to Na Trang, Vietnam required holding on to them in the large waves. Even beaches on the same island can be vastly different – a surfer’s dream or like a pond.

Many parents have stated that staying in a condo, cottage or villa was worth the extra expense. They liked having extra room, a kitchen and more seclusion for toddler tantrums.

The location, beach or mountains was more secondary as long as they had this bigger space than a hotel room.

Another choice is staying with friends or family who may have baby necessities and other kids. We visited my mother in my old home which still had some of my toys and book. My mother purchased a stroller, travel crib, high chair, and car seat which remained at her place. I just threw a few clothes and essentials in our suitcase for an easy trip. The little ones had lots of playtime with Gran and I vegged out with uninterrupted reading.

Selecting a destination with animals is a hit with youngsters, such as a farm stay or being near a zoo.

In northern Thailand, our hotel was across the street from a fabulous butterfly and orchid farm. Twice a day water buffalo were paraded around the hotel property and my sons petted or rode these gentle beasts. We also went to a nearby elephant sanctuary. Staying near a petting zoo or animal park are other options.

Schedule running around time into the itinerary to blow off toddler energy, such as going to nearby parks. My boys enjoyed meeting and playing with other children in these areas.

One holiday that did not work out well with a baby was going to Disneyworld.

It took too much time going to the different areas and he became fussy. Parking his stroller at different rides and venues became tedious. A small, more local amusement park would okay. My babies also enjoyed children’s museums.

Consider going to hotels that have kids clubs.

My sons’ favourite one was at the Four Seasons in Nevis. It was from ages 3-9, but my 19 month old was welcome with my supervision. They learned Caribbean culture, songs and had field trips around the beach and hotel property.

Most of the Four Seasons resorts have a complimentary kids club for either 3-9 or 4-12, with babies allowed under guardian supervision. All of their hotels have complementary cribs and other baby essentials.

Atlantis Paradise Island Resort in the Bahamas has kids clubs from ages one to seventeen.

Club Med is renowned for their kids clubs which include sports and circus training at no cost for those four and over. There is a fee for the Baby Club starting at six months and the petit club up to age four.

In the evenings, a Pyjama Club is available so parents can enjoy adult company with dinner and drinks. Club med provides free cribs and high chairs. My friend took her baby and pre-schooler to the Club Med in Thailand and all had such a fun holiday. The kids clubs at Club Med have specially trained youth counsellors and have a vast variety of activities for children.

There are various travel agencies that book holiday cottages, villas, hotels and trips for families with babies, whether in the UK or farther afield.

Thomas Cook has a list of Family World hotels and resorts globally which are geared towards kids as young as six months.

These hotels provide the necessary equipment such as cribs and potties. They have a baby service centre where parents can make bottles and special meals. There is a toddler program which includes time in the water in places such as Crete and Menorca.

Another one is Neilson Clubs which provide nannies in their different locations starting with the Starfish Club at four months (has a fee). The Sea Urchin Club for kids 2-4, plus clubs for older siblings are complimentary and includes supervised beach fun along with indoor activities. A mobile listening devise for parents is available. Some of these great clubs are in Turkey and Greece.

Sunsail’s Minnow Club is for those four months to two years and has a charge. Their other kids clubs are complimentary. The kids clubs and activities for parents can be as active as one likes and includes sailing lessons, wind surfing and water sports.

Besides swimming and canoeing, these youngsters can enjoy quieter pursuits, such as story time or games. Some of these destinations include Greece.

Holiday with Baby is a travel company that has baby friendly stays in the UK and abroad. Their UK Cottages are baby proofed with necessary baby equipment. They have listings for villas and hotels globally which are geared to the little ones.

Simpson Travel offers specials providing complimentary childcare particularly in their locations in Greece. Their Hatchlings Creche is for babies six months to three years. The Turtles Club is for 4-10. Twice a week parents can have an adult evening while the kids have fun in the kids club evening sessions.

When divorced, it is nice to have a balance of being with the kids and having some alone or mingling with other adults time too.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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