wendi schuller - The Divorce Magazine

Single Parent Holidays – Cruising with Kids

Published on April 12, 2015September 14, 2019

Women and Divorce — Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A holiday on a cruise ship can be just the way to tick all of the boxes for fun, adventure, and family time while keeping to a strict budget.

I started cruising when my sons were two and six and we have been hooked ever since.

There are different types of ships for different tastes – so doing a little research before booking is prudent. I am not a fan of the mega ships – but some friends like the vast array of activities, such as rock climbing and ice skating.

The big draw on ships is the kids’ clubs, which have separate age groups. My sons met kids from around the world and especially enjoyed the sea days when they could spend more time there.

Most ships’ clubs are for those between three and seventeen.

Cunard allows babies from six months in the play area with parental supervision. They also have a night nursery for those between twelve and twenty-three months until 11 pm so a parent can enjoy adult company and take in a show.

Carnival, P & O, and Norwegian Cruise Lines start their kids’ clubs at age two.

Most of the cruise lines offer a babysitting service for a fee. Celebrity Cruises includes science and nature with their kids programs and has slumber parties. Most cruise lines, including Costa and Disney, have year round children’s programs. Fred Olsen’s Black Watch and Balmoral only have them during school holidays although the Braemar has a dedicated playroom.

My sons particularly enjoyed the teens’ hangout on the Holland American ships. When we sailed around the Hawaiian Islands the children’s program included Polynesian culture. They learned songs, dances, vocabulary, and fun facts about these islands.

The nannies on the QE2 ship threw a fabulous 7^th birthday party for my son with an alligator cake and party favours for the other little passengers. My sons were upset when they reached eighteen and were not in a club anymore. Some ships, like on Cunard’s Queen Elizabeth, had a group for those in their twenties.

My son is still in touch with some of those young people and catches up with them when back in London.

Make your expectations clear so you and the kids are on the same page. My rule for lunch and dinner is that we meet in the cabin and go to either the dining room or cafeteria together. I mandate their company for at least one afternoon tea each cruise. I give clear instructions about what time and where we are meeting for shore excursions.

I enjoy my boys’ company, but also my alone time reading or snoozing in a deck chair.

Cruises give us relaxing time to bond without the stress that comes with divorce and the diversion of jobs and commitments.

We concentrate on fun and strengthening our relationships with each other. My mum often joined us and cruising is a way to vacation that keeps three generations happy.

Tips for keeping within your budget when cruising with kids :

I do not buy either the alcoholic or non-alcoholic drink packages, instead we drink the free water, tea or coffee.

We enjoy a latte or beer in an atmospheric place on shore as part of the local culture.

We are judicious with shore excursions and choose the ones that are extraordinary. These included a day trip to Lapland to meet Father Christmas, visiting the villages in Cinque de Terre, going to the archaeological sites on Kirkwall, and a day trip to Albania.

In Oslo, we did a city tour for a fraction of the ship’s excursion price once we got off the ship. In other places such as Croatia, we walked on the city wall and soaked up the culture without a formal tour.

If you enjoy your cruise, consider booking another one while still on board for an additional discount.

We stick to mainly two cruise lines for the perks of being in a loyalty program. The discounts are larger and after a long haul flight, I enjoy being able to board a little earlier.

The beauty of ships’ loyalty programs as opposed to airlines’ ones, is that you keep your status. One you have sailed a certain amount of days, you never lose it, but only go up in the program.

With the airlines, your status is dependent upon how many miles you accrued the year before, and ships are what you have sailed during your life, not past the year.

There are specialist cruise booking sites that compare prices and give good deals. I book with cruise lines directly and get their e-mails regarding specials.

Travel agents can look out for cruise sales and last minute price reductions. I book early and get the best fares. Having a third or fourth person in a cabin brings their fares down drastically. I book early for 2 for the price of one specials, such as on the river cruises.

Two single women I met live in the vicinity of Southampton. They keep a bag packed and call the various cruise lines every few days for a last minute cancellation. They cruise for next to nothing. What a life!

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Children of Divorce

Speak Up for Supervised Visitation

Published on April 10, 2015November 11, 2018

Trust your gut instinct when negotiating shared care. If supervised visitation is warranted – then speak up.

Your child’s safety is paramount, especially when there is a narcissistic parent who is focused on themselves.

An eminent psychologist told me that narcissism was the main personality disorder that needs supervised visitation.

Janice was in an acrimonious court battle over the custody of their five-year-old. The father would attempt to get at Janice through their daughter, such as buying the five year old inappropriate clothing geared more towards the exotic dancer profession.

The judge was at wits end saying the case was more about “he said, she said” which made getting at the truth difficult. Janice insisted that there should be supervised visitation, but that was not heeded. She ran out of money midway through the proceedings and was assigned an inexperienced legal defender after her solicitor stepped down.

Janice also expressed her fear of having the girl around her father’s construction business.

Little Ellie was a victim of parental alienation and would tell her mum that dad said she was a liar. In a quiet moment when she, Ellie and the cat were cuddling, Janice said this is what safety and truth is. Feel it in your heart. When something does not feel this way, it is an untruth.

Parental alienation started to fade after Ellie learned this technique. She later told her mum that dad said something bad about her, but she knew it was not true since it did not feel right in her heart.

Ellie had a premonition of her death. She confided in an adult family friend that she would not be here much longer. Janice had bought Ellie a look-alike American Girl doll for Christmas. The daughter asked if that was so she would have something that looked like her after she was gone.

Although Ellie’s talk of death was disturbing, the mother had stopped asking about having supervised visitation. Soon after, the father accidentally ran over Ellie with a bulldozer on the construction site.

He refused to take responsibility for the girl’s fatality and told the distraught mother that Ellie “had committed suicide.”

He insisted upon an open casket funeral and demanded that the undertaker patch up the body parts.

Janice has this advice to share with others.

Be the squeaky wheel that gets results – keep demanding supervised visitation when the co-parent is a narcissist. Narcissists are so focused on themselves and projected image, that they often do not pay much attention to others in their vicinity.

Narcissistic parents parade kids around their job sites to play the good daddy/mummy role and then may lose interest in them.

Another example is of two boys who confided that they were dumped in the doctors’ lounge for hours after their father marched them around the hospital to garner accolades for being a great parent.

Not paying attention to his daughter’s whereabouts cost Ellie her life.

In other cases, the narcissistic parent’s inattention to their kids, resulted in a concussion, broken bones and stitches.

These parents were too busy being in the limelight to do adequate childcare.

Janice does not know if listening to her daughter’s premonition regarding her death would have saved her, but feels that supervised visitation would have done so. Pay attention to your intuition if something does not feel right.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Moving On

Thinking of Getting Back with Your Ex

Published on April 7, 2015November 11, 2018

It is so easy nowadays to reconnect with a long ago love.

There are various online sites from social media to searching for classmates, which facilitate getting in touch again. What starts out as curiosity regarding the one who got away can end up as an affair that rips families apart.

It may be innocence or nativity that views exchanging a few updates as no big deal.

If rekindling a relationship with a former flame cannot be discussed with a spouse, then it falls into the danger zone. In the majority of these cases, at least one spouse is married.

When the old sweethearts meet up again, it has been described as being like a vacation in Disneyland.

There are no mundane tasks or bills, just fun activities. The reunion may have already budgeted expenses, so the day to day juggling of finances is not present.

This situation is similar to episodes of bachelor/bachelorette television shows filmed in an exotic locale. The people stay in a five star hotel, with great meals and amenities. There are exciting diversions without the stresses of daily life.

When getting back with your ex, this new relationship is built upon the quicksand of fantasy without a firm foundation. No wonder these relationships have a higher rate of divorce or not making it to the alter.

This true story echoes so many of the other ones that were shared with me.

Jerry’s wife decided to go online and discover whatever happened to her college boyfriend.

He was single and just seeing his photo brought back happy memories. They decided to get together for a weekend. Soon after this initial meeting, Carol decided on a divorce and left Jerry. Carol and this college flame got married, but this relationship did not work out, so she got divorced again.

Getting back with an ex, having a whirlwind courtship all while getting a divorce, did not give a realistic picture for this new relationship. It is not just about picking up where both parties left off over a decade ago.

People searching for old flames do so for different reasons, such as being bored in their marriages. They may want to relive their youth or now have that middle age itch.

There may be something lacking in their lives now, so they feel if they had married their former fling, they would have been fulfilled. They are not taking responsibility for a void and think a past love could fill it. They want excitement, or say they are hooking up just as friends.

If you are married – do not look up former boy/girlfriends. If you are single and do –please respect the other person’s marital status by not contacting them if they are married.

If you both are unattached, then consider giving this a go. The relationships that seem to be most successful are the ones that broke up due to parents’ interference or because they were too young. There have been reunions which led to successful marriages, but both were single and did not leave marriages to reunite. If one’s marriage is unhappy, go for counselling to fix it or end it, before pursuing a former partner.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Coping with Divorce

Helping Divorcing Friends

Published on March 18, 2015November 11, 2018

Your good friend down the street just told you that she and her husband are divorcing. You want to give her all of your wisdom and advice. That would really help her….or would it?

The first thing to do is just listen. Really listen.

It is not the time to scare her with what went wrong in your divorce or to bombard your friend with what she ought to do.

Your friend may be numb with shock and wants you as a sounding board so that she can process her emotions.

Respect your friend’s privacy and do not ask him/her for the gory details to satisfy your curiosity.

They may have had a picture perfect marriage on the outside, but what went on behind closed doors was personal. Instead, just be there even if sitting in silence. Let your pal know that you are there for them in whatever way is supportive.

Gently ask if they could use some divorce resources.

The Divorce Magazine’s web site has a tab to click on for resources and mention the informative articles. MeetUp.com has divorce groups in London and in other parts of the UK. MeetUp.com has men’s and women’s groups which can provide camaraderie and interesting activities.

There are various divorce support groups, retreats, and workshops in the UK and elsewhere which can be beneficial. Perhaps check for these online and report back to your friend. I sometimes stumbled around in a fog during divorce and could have used help from friends sourcing this type of support.

divorced friends — Gently ask if they could use some divorce resources.

I had a birthday during the middle of my divorce and people queued up to help me celebrate it. Perhaps have a group celebration for their birthday in the midst of an acrimonious divorce.

Small treats are great, such as a bag of Thornton’s decadent chocolates or a gift card for something fun. Are their kids with the other parent for the first time on a major bank holiday? Invite them over for a festive diversion.

People shared what helped them in their divorces.

When they saw I was about to make a huge mistake, they tactfully told about similar experiences where that potential action just did not work.

Refrain from using the word “should” and use other ones, such as “have you considered…?”

Telling true stories about your own or someone else’s divorce is guidance, not preaching what you think you friend has to do. Be aware of how you come across to a divorcing friend, because dispensing advice can be construed as judgemental of how they are handling things.

I share what supplements, including homeopathic ones, helped me through my divorce and beyond. I let people know about a particular protein drink that helps me when under stress. I bring up the topic of supplements, including nutrition, since I am a nurse. People can take it or leave it. Someone in a different specialty, such as fitness, might bring up beneficial aspects of exercise which can help in divorce.

If your friend expresses frustration or that they feel stuck, ask them if they might consider going to a life or divorce coach. This coach can help them to see where they are stuck and devise strategies to deal with stress and have a smoother divorce. The coach can help a person learn how to face divorce issues and cope with being separated from children part-time.

Help your friend realize that they are not alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Coping with Divorce

Losing Friends after Divorce

Published on February 16, 2015September 17, 2024

Divorce weeds out superficial people and reveals true friends.

People whom you consider your exclusive pals – may latch onto your spouse if he/she is the more valuable commodity.

I had two friends whom I met up with regularly. One completely dropped me when my divorce commenced because my husband was helping her with a small business problem.

The other one contacted my husband in the midst of our divorce to write a letter of recommendation but did it in a sneaky way. It was safer to cut ties with her since she had a tendency not to respect confidences.

Divorce forces one to take stock of friendships and if one does not seem right, then to disengage from it.

Midway through Tess’s acrimonious divorce, her long-time friend, Rhonda stopped taking calls and initiating contact. This was quite puzzling to Tess until her sons later found out during visitation, that their father and Rhonda had become a couple.

Rhonda had decided to go after the vacant position of doctor’s wife and they got married a bit after the divorce was finalized. Tess claimed she felt grateful that she was not going to be spending more time and energy on someone who did not deserve it.

Have you been hanging onto friends out of habit?

We often take relationships for granted and divorce has a way of shaking them up. Evaluate whom you want to have in your life and who is draining your energy. The diva and drama queen may not be worth your limited time and attention. If they are not giving you support in this traumatic transition, consider distancing yourself. Gently say you are currently unavailable in this divorce situation.

Losing Friends after Divorce — The friends that were supportive during my divorce have become more important.

When you have shared details of abuse in your marriage, and these friends still voice “I love you both”, cut ties – or at least let the friendship peter out on its own.

This is hurtful and disrespectful to what you endured. When people have links to your soon-to-be ex or his family, personal information could reach their ears.

You do not want this to throw a spanner in the works when deep in divorce negotiations.

The friends that were supportive during my divorce have become more important. Our relationships have grown closer either due to their kindness or by having more time after letting go of the energy vampires in my life. I have joined MeetUp.com and met new acquaintances who bring laughter and joy post-divorce.

Expect to mourn friends that you have lost or have distanced themselves from you as a result of divorce. It is disconcerting to discover that people whom you thought were permanent fixtures in your life – are not anymore. Realize that grief has various stages including anger, which eventually leads to acceptance.

Sometimes friends hover on the side lines not knowing what to do or say. This may come across as uncaring, when in reality is just being clueless about how to be supportive. It is okay to ask for help and give these people something specific, such as let’s get together bi-weekly for lattes.

On the flip side, if friends are too intrusive or judgemental, explain that you are not up to discussing that issue. You do not owe anyone an explanation and feel free to walk away and remove yourself from that situation. I found that there is balance in life. I lost some friends, but gained closer relationships with the ones that remained.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK.

Coping with Divorce

10 Things to Know About Divorce

Published on February 16, 2015November 11, 2018

Divorce is a life transition that generates permanent changes.

One can never go back – only forward. Divorce affects finances, relationships and career choices.

It can be a positive catalyst for a metamorphosis.

Divorce is not a linear process, one can back track, hit a speed bump or nearly get derailed. My husband and I were in the collaborative process and he suddenly dropped out when it did not go as he expected. We had to start over with new solicitors for litigation. Then he decided to return to collaborative and luckily our original solicitors let us pick up where we left off from before.

Divorce does not have to mean only negative changes –but can push people in a positive direction. Maribel was a stay-at-home mum who was bored out of her mind and felt unfulfilled. Getting a divorce forced her back into the working world. She opted for a lesser paying job in retail and is ecstatic about life. Maribel is much more vibrant now, than I ever observed in her marriage. Two co-workers lead busy, fulfilled lives now that they are divorced.

Divorce has an end point. My maintenance and child support have finished which means contact with my ex is 100% in the past. I will be moving and can totally close that chapter of my life. Other people’s end point may be when their divorce is finalized, especially when there is a Clean Break. The divorce process seemed endless at the time, but it helped when folks said that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Get centred, clear your mind and think through your choices and decisions. I made stupid missteps in a panic – rather than stating “Let me think about it and get back to you.” An issue can be tabled until the next mediation/collaborative session – or you could send an e-mail the following day with your decision. Reacting quickly, instead of mulling it over can haunt you in the future.

Get the necessary experts on the divorce team. If it seems as if some assets are missing, then get a forensic accountant
Hidden strength will bubble up and get you through tough negotiations.

on board. In an acrimonious divorce, a custody evaluator may be brought in to do an extensive study to determine the percentage of shared care between parents.

There are support groups available to enable you to make it through the arduous divorce process. The Divorce Magazine has a link to helpful resources including parenting ones, on the web site. Conduct your own online search to discover ones in your locale. Talking to others going through divorces gave me support and I felt less alone.

It is normal to feel that you cannot take much more stress without exploding. People interviewed expressed that they were surprised that they got through divorce without a nervous breakdown. In our crazy divorce, the two solicitors mandated that we each see a designated life coach for at least one session. My husband brought his to one collaborative session and that made for a smoother meeting with less tension for all of us.

You will discover traits that you did not realize that you possessed. Hidden strength will bubble up and get you through tough negotiations. You will discover your resilience which helps you to be flexible and bend like a pine tree rather than being rigid like the mighty oak and breaking in a storm.

A Family Law solicitor said if one party is pleased in the divorce – then something is not fair. When both people are unhappy about the asset division, then it is fair. I made sure I got the few things that I really desired, the water colour painting of our deceased cat, plus several other items. I refused to get in a battle over our joint personal property which resulted in my husband letting me have a bit more. Hold out for what you really want in the personal property division and do not haggle over every little thing. Not worth the time, increased legal fees and anxiety.

You may be at loggerheads with each other during divorce, but may like each other down the road. Some former couples are friends and even have get-togethers with the new spouses. This is really lovely for the children during the holidays when this happens. Memory has the trick of glossing over the unpleasant parts and this is helpful after divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Your Divorce Stories

Jay’s Divorce Story

Published on February 12, 2015November 11, 2018

When Jay met Katharine it was though he met his soul mate but as you may have guessed already, this is their divorce story.

Although they were opposites – she is fiery and he is quite laid back – they seemed to click. Katharine is a go-getter and Jay is more introspective. They met each other’s friends and family and did not see the need for an extended courtship.

Jay’s long-term friends warned him that they were mismatched and they should not get married. They were concerned that he was being guided by lust and had taken leave of his senses.

Jay now admits his buddies were right and wishes that he had paid heed to their warning. Katherine is a Type A personality and Jay is a definite Type B. This mismatch started to cause numerous problems in their daily lives from where to vacation to how to spend a weekend at home. Katharine is intense and has to be around other people and Jay enjoys quieter pursuits.

Jay owned a small business before he met Katharine. It made no sense to bring Katharine into this company as an employee when they were barely getting along at home. Not surprisingly their work styles were quite different as well.

Being with each other 24/7 led to a breaking point. The work environment deteriorated and loyal employees were becoming frustrated.

Jay filed for divorce and they are going through an acrimonious one at present but he is confident that he will be able to keep his business in the divorce since he had taken precautions with having “legal work” done before and during marriage. Jay remains vague regarding if the legal work is considered a pre-nup.

The income derived from the business during marriage is considered marital property,though. He claims he legally made sure that Katharine was considered an employee and not an owner.

Although Jay has a realtor’s licence, Katharine is insisting that he not be allowed to handle their house sale. She moved across country and is attempting to dictate the day to day minutia.

Today, Jay tells his employees Type A people should marry another one and the same with Type B. He claims the two ought not to marry each other. He tells people to listen to old friends’ warnings when they consistently say someone is not right for you. Another piece of advice is to protect your pre-marital assets legally to ensure that you keep them if divorced.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Author of The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce

Children of Divorce

Divorce Through Children’s Eyes

Published on February 9, 2015November 11, 2018

Parents may feel that they are sailing through divorce, yet children can view it quite differently.

As a part-time school nurse, I have listened to many children who end up in my nurse’s office with stress induced health issues.

Here is what kids wish their parents knew:

• We are not property that has to be divided equally. One youngster developed an eye twitch after his parents’ divorce.

They tried to be fair splitting assets and this carried over to shared care 50/50. The boy did not like the frequent switches to each parent’s home.

I spoke to the mother about this boy’s concern. The parents were able to negotiate that he would spend 75% at his mum’s and 25% with dad. His dad would be able to pick Aiden up at his mum’s for an activity and return him there afterwards. The twitch went away with this new arrangement and Aiden enjoyed time with each parent.

• Do not march into battle over us. It may be appropriate in a Victorian novel to fight over a loved one, but not in this era. I had one student who spent all morning in my nurse’s office while his parents went to war in court over custody that day. His teacher sent this lad to me, since he was incapable of learning in the classroom. Reassure the child that his custody wishes will be taken into consideration. Keep kids out of the divorce drama and do not share details with them.

• We want to know that there will be some continuity in our lives. Let the kids know that while divorce details are still being decided, the main points in their lives will remain the same. The children will attend their current schools and maintain contact with friends. They will still go to sports practices, dance classes, scouting, or whatever activities they participate in now.

• We want some say in our lives. Loss of control equals ending up in my nurse’s office with headaches or stomach aches. While kids do not set boundaries or make the rules – they certainly can have some input. Let them help with family decisions, such as do we want a summer holiday, or spread treats out during the year and have a staycation? Ask what their priorities are and work on a strategy together on how to reach them.

• Listen to us when we try and get your attention. Do not let a small problem turn into a big one because you are barely able to keep your head above water. I have seen a few kids develop eating disorders after parents’ divorces.

Check in with your children at least weekly to let them air their concerns.

Some do this at family meetings to discuss issues and go over the weekly schedule and upcoming events. Kids who feel lost in the shuffle may turn to the comfort of drugs and alcohol. When busy, doing parallel activities side by side with the kids still counts as spending time with them.

• Please do not talk to me about the other parent or your frustrations with them. Kids know our strengths and weaknesses and do not require having them pointed out by the other parent. I just tell my son that both of his parents have made mistakes and he can see what worked and use that when he becomes a parent.

• Do not make excuses about the absent parent which gets our hopes up and confuses us about reality. If a parent does not pick up the child for visitation or carries through on a promise, do not defend them. That can prolong agony or give false expectations when one parent wants to step out of the picture. You do not know what is going on in the absent parent’s heart or mind, so do not give reassurances. Instead focus on the child.

Acknowledge the child’s feelings, saying that you can see she is disappointed/frustrated. Perhaps introduce a diversion, such as suggesting she call a friend now for a pizza sleepover.

If you feel that your children are not adjusting to the divorce situation, then consider taking them to meet with a divorce coach or therapist.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

divorce papers when dealing with divorce

Coping with Divorce

I want a Divorce!

Published on February 9, 2015November 11, 2018

Hearing your spouse utter the words, “I want a divorce,” is unbelievable. What to do when you are informed that your spouse is leaving you. If you think you did not correctly hear what was said, ask for it to be repeated.

Banish the impulse to throw the nearest piece of furniture at his head. An assault charge will not help your situation.

My spouse’s female acquaintance suggested that I take all of his clothes and have a big bonfire in the backyard. Friends had more drastic ideas.

Resist doing something in a rage, because that may impact your divorce proceedings.

Try to act calmly and feel free to ask the questions that pop into your head. “When did you decide upon this? Could we discuss this with a marriage counsellor first? Why did you not mention that you were unhappy? Are you seeing someone else and how long has it been?”

If your spouse asks you to move out of the marital home, refuse (except in an abuse situation).

Check first with your solicitor about this, especially when children are involved.

I stayed in our house through most of the divorce and my husband was required to pay the mortgage and I only paid the utilities. Your rent or monthly mortgage may be paid as part of the interim support. The person with a job or high income pays interim support in most cases.

If your spouse walks right out the door, go to the bank and withdraw some cash (no more than half) out of your joint account and save the receipt. You will require money for living expenses before meeting with a solicitor or mediator. Hopefully you have a credit card in your own name, because your spouse may promptly drop you as a co-signer on his card.

Ask around for an experienced family law solicitor/mediator and check online for more information regarding the person you select. This professional can get joint assets frozen if your spouse is apt to plunder funds.

You are in shock. Some people described this period as having an out of body experience. It was as if they were in a calm place not feeling any emotions, while their bodies were on autopilot doing necessary tasks. You may want to temporarily stay at your parents’ or friend’s place. Or after you spouse departs have someone stay with you, particularly when there are children and pets at home.

I stumbled around Disneyland mumbling to strangers that my husband left me. Luckily these kind people were supportive to me in my zombie-like state. My sons and I later met with my friend’s family and I was showered with spa products. That gave me the nudge to nurture and pamper myself in this turbulent time. Allow people to do the same for you and accept their generosity. Gather your support system around you.

Be sure to click on the Resources link on The Divorce Magazine’s web site for organizations who can provide immediate help and guidance. I asked divorced friends right away about how to survive the divorce process. I put their great advice and tips in a book.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Coping with Divorce

Divorcing Passive-Aggressive Men and Women

Published on January 10, 2015November 2, 2018

Divorce with a passive-aggressive partner can be particularly aggravating.

They seeming are going along with the whole process, yet are sabotaging it.

They agree to check on their pension plan or to bring paperwork to the divorce sessions, but “forget.” The use of the word “forget” may be frequent as a way of avoiding responsibilities or tasks that they do not wish to perform.

Passive-aggressive people can prolong divorce hearings by purposely not following through with something as a way to get back at you. This retaliation bumps up legal costs.

They avoid confrontations and do not directly express intense emotions.

They have a calm demeanour which hides the hostility lurking beneath the surface. Actions are ruled by anger since they do not voice it out loud. They may refuse to sign the divorce papers or at the last minute disagree with how assets are divided, instead of stating objections earlier. It is difficult to know what they are thinking and if they are amenable to negotiations, since the silent treatment is their specialty. Ask what is wrong and a curt “nothing” may be the reply.

They do not communicate well, so give and take is difficult. They are not expressing opinions which complicates divorce arrangements.

www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk — He or she may “forget” about a visitation,

Co-parenting with a passive-aggressive ex is challenging. They play the blame game and may hold you as the villain, who ruined their life.

The divorce was caused 100% by you and now you will be punished, indirectly of course.

You might receive maintenance on time, but in the wrong amount. It is wise to have maintenance and child support sent directly from his bank account to yours, to leave him out of the loop.

Then one does not have GFY (Go F*** Yourself) written in the check memos as one woman did.

He or she may “forget” about a visitation, or pick up the kids late when you have a date. Having the pickup and drop off at a neutral location is prudent. One former couple has theirs at the paternal grandparents’ house, so his being late or forgetting is not an issue. The children have fun and the mother is not stressed.

Have a detailed Parenting Plan to lessen complications post-divorce when the passive-aggressive parent may try to get back at you through the children.

Have shared time clearly stated and clarify holiday arrangements. The passive-aggressive person sees themselves as the victim in life and you want to avoid this drama.

There are various online calendar sites where parents can mark activities and events so the kids’ schedules are available to both parents. This reduces accusations that the other parent was not informed of happenings in their youngsters’ lives.

When communicating with the passive-aggressive parent avoid emotions, particularly anger.

Ignore their subtle putdowns and just state the facts. Keep e-mails business like and to the point. Passive-aggressive people often have low self-esteem and may attempt to build themselves up by tearing you down.

Have someone available for the kids to talk with, because the other parent may be making mean “jokes” or offhand comments about you. The least interactions that you can have with this difficult ex-spouse, the better.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Relationship in Trouble

Divorcing a Narcissit vs Divorcing a Sociopath

Published on January 7, 2015November 2, 2018

Both the Narcissist and Sociopath (anti-social personality disorder) are toxic people who are difficult to deal with during divorce.

There are subtle differences between these two types of characters and what it means when divorcing a narcissist vs divorcing a sociopath.

The main point is a Narcissist craves attention and adoration. She has to be the star, whereas that is not the case with a Sociopath.

A Narcissist will specifically seek out publicity and a Sociopath wants power over others.

A Narcissist will have a position in a charity organization that is in the spotlight such as managing director. The Sociopath is more likely to be the one embezzling funds.

The Narcissist desires being in the news and the Sociopath is flying under the radar avoiding that in order to carry out nefarious deeds.

Sociopaths do not have a conscience and their moral code is “do not get caught.”

At a young age a Sociopath is apt to torture animals and torment those weaker than him. This child is charming to adults with exaggerated good manners as a smoke screen to disguise his true nature. They have a sense of entitlement and do not hesitate to trample upon anyone who gets in their way. Some of the financial executives who do inside trading and other illegal acts told the press that they did nothing wrong. In their eyes, this is correct.

Both manipulate others for their gain. They blame others when they make mistakes or life is not going as planned. They can ignore family or belittle spouses. Narcissists especially do not like it if a spouse rises up the career ladder and has a more important position. They do not want to share the spotlight.

Sociopaths can have a volatile temper which is unpredictable and is especially scary for children.

Sociopaths may have their children join in their immoral or illegal activities. They watch pornography with their sons. Criminal families may bring the kids into the business at a young age. The youngsters participate in a shoplifting or burglary ring. In my area recently, three generations of several families were plying the drug trade together.

Narcissists use their kids as a way to garner more attention to themselves.

They play the good parent role and march the children around the office to get praise. They see the kids as an extension of themselves and may insist that their kids follow in their footsteps. A former dancer may demand that her daughter does ballet.

These parents want to bask in the admiration that surrounds their child. They want others to comment that the offspring is like their talented, beautiful, etc. parent.

In divorce, both personality disorders are capable of using the kids to get back at their other parent in retaliation. Since the Sociopath feels no remorse, they may be the more dangerous adversary.

Be cautious of safety issues especially with a sociopath co-parent. Neither are good at negotiating since they want the whole pie.

The Narcissists get through the divorce process better with lots of compliments and letting them feel like they are the star. With a Sociopath, emphasize maintenance and child support formulas to make it more impersonal. More drama and emotions can prolong divorce hearings. Having a divorce coach or therapist at least periodically check in with the children is prudent.

Both Narcissists and Sociopaths may act like they are the victim and you are the villain. They may charm your family members and end up with a few in their camp post-divorce. They are attempting to hurt you.

My sons and I have said good riddance to the ones who sided with their father. Sociopaths particularly excel in power plays and want to dominate others. Consider avoiding doing battle with these people and stay out of their way if possible.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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