Dr Soila Sindiyo

Finances After Divorce

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Finances after Divorce
Mary Waring
Independent Financial Advisor

In an ideal world you will receive sufficient settlement from the divorce to ensure you can achieve all that you want to achieve after divorce, lead the life you want to lead and not run out of money.

When there are sufficient funds available there’s no reason why this wouldn’t be the case.

But what happens if there isn’t sufficient funds for this?

Various settlement options will be looked at as part of your divorce negotiations and it’s important to choose the option which is best for your circumstances.

My experience is that frequently the wife wants to stay in the family home and the husband wants to keep his pension intact. He views the pension as “his” money compensating him for the hours he’s put in at the office.

Staying in the family home can often be an easier option for the wife. In a period of extreme upheaval and uncertainty it can be really comforting to have some stability, and it causes the least disruption for the children.

Accepting the home in the settlement also solves an immediate need whereas pension income seems a long way off and therefore much lower down the list or priorities.

However, before you decide this is the outcome you want, you must consider the wider implications of being awarded the home and therefore potentially receiving no pension share.

If you do not work outside the home, or you are in a part time role for child care reasons, you may have very little pension income in your own right.  What will you live on when you get to retirement age?

Basic state pension is currently £5,727.80 each year, which only comes to £477 per month. The government is currently proposing an increase to the state pension to £144 per week. But that is still only £624 per month.

country house
Accepting the home in the settlement also solves an immediate need

Once you have paid all your utilities (gas, electric, water, council tax etc) and bought your food there is likely to be very little left. Therefore it’s very important to take this into account at the negotiation stage.

Don’t wait until you are close to state pension age to consider it. The closer you get to state pension age the less time there is to plan and take corrective action if you are unlikely to have sufficient retirement income.

Women will often work on the basis that there is an option to downsize the house. But do you know how much that is likely to raise? Emotionally it can often be difficult to downsize the family home at this stage since you have memories of happy family times there. You’ve also probably got used to having the children/grandchildren come to stay and having their own rooms.

The time to look at your options for when you retire are during the divorce negotiations themselves, even though retirement may be many years in the future. Retirement will often seem such a long way off that it’s pushed to the back of your mind.

Decisions about your divorce settlement are more than just what share of the joint assets will be awarded to you. It also then comes down to a decision as to what assets you will receive to make up that share. Don’t assume that splitting your assets 50:50 and you getting the house will automatically be the same outcome as splitting your assets 50:50 and you downsizing now and taking a pension share too.

Work with your financial adviser to see which option allows the funds to last the longest. This will then be financially the route which is most appropriate for you. Now of course, there are emotional issues at stake at this time and so decisions won’t just be made based on logic.

The figures may show that your money will last longer if you downsize now, but it’s not emotionally something you feel up to at the minute. If so, revisit this decision in say a year’s time. Maybe at that stage you will be feeling emotionally stronger and ready to take this step.

The important thing is that when you make the decision about your financial settlement, you are making it based on all available knowledge. You may still choose to make your decision based on your emotional response. But at least you know this, and then address the issue again at a later stage.

Mary Waring

www.mary-waring.co.uk

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What is Reiki – Reiki London

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Here’s a wonderful “poem” that I found on the Reiki in London website:

Just for today, I will not worry
Just for today, I will not be angry
Just for today, I will give thanks for my many blessings
Just for today, I will do my work honestly
Just for today, I will be kind to every living thing

What is Reiki? 

Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I didn’t know what to expect from my session with Dr Aarti Anhal.

I had never had any type of healing let alone Reiki and the only other time anyone has placed their hands on my body was either during a massage session, which was at least 3 years ago, during surgery (keyhole for my knees) or during some other intimate affair:-)

So here I was, lying facedown on my yoga mat on my living room floor with Aarti ready to begin the session.  I wondered out loud how long it would take and when she responded an hour, I remember thinking, “That’s forever!”

Well!  As soon as the session started, the moment Aarti placed her hands on my head and over my eyes, I realised this was going to be a very, very different experience from what I expected.

Her hands were so warm that I could feel the heat inside my eyes!  It was the strangest yet most comfortable feeling.

Her hands felt like those heat pads things people use in winter, only much more gentle. To be honest, whatever happened next is a bit of a dreamy blur.

My body and mind seemed to just melt into some place, that I cannot describe.

I wasn’t in control because I had been able to relinquish that to another place, don’t know where but it felt wonderful.

After a while, Aarti asked me to turn onto my back and as I did this, my body felt as though I was lifting from a good heavy sleep.

The session continued and my mind wondered in and out of some sort of sleep but not really.  Aarti’s hands were still warm and as

What is reiki www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Dr Aarti Anhal – Reiki Practitioner

she progressed down to my legs and feet, they seemed to cool down or maybe I was getting used to the warm sensation? I was loving this.  I was gone.

So when Aarti informed me that it was time to stop my first question in a very sleepy voice was, “How long was that?”  It had been 55 mins!  She went and got me a glass of water while I gradually returned to this earth.

That night, my sleep, was quite disturbed.

I didn’t sleep well at all.  I was tossed and turned all night and couldn’t understand why and as you can imagine, very frustrating.

I spoke with Aarti the next day and she said that there seemed to be some issues that were resurfacing or that need looking into.  Or maybe something was shifting within me. The next night was better and after a few days, my sleep got back to normal.

However, and this is something that I have now shared with Aarti, something had indeed shifted.  

There was indeed an issue, that I had suppressed for a very long time.  A matter that I had not wanted to face nor speak about because of fear.  Actually there were two.

How do I even begin to talk about this when I don’t have the words ? All I can say is that it feels like a light has been shone within me, like I have achieved clarity with regards to my current living situation and with regards to my plans about where I would eventually end up.

So, what is Reiki?  For me it was a revelatory experience.

I didn’t even think I had to deal with those issues, so far down had they been suppressed.  Now that they are here and that I have and still am working on them, I feel better, much better, much lighter.

So, if you or someone you know has been through divorce or separation, and would like to work through anything that is disturbing you or lingering then do get in touch with Aarti.  You will love it.

But be prepared for shifts and changes within you.

Aarit, or should I say Reiki, maybe both, have worked for me in one session!  I do plan on having more with Aarti. If you are interested in finding out more or getting in touch with Aarti, then you can do so by emailing her aarti@aarti-anhal.co.uk.

What has been your experience with healing?  Would you recommend it?

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Parental alienation

Dealing with Parental Alienation

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Unfortunately, during the divorce process or even after it’s all over,  a child may not only take sides but may slowly, gradually begin behaving hatefully towards one parent as a show of support for the other, usually known as the alienating parent.

Unfortunately this behaviour may not be of their choice but may be resulting from “coaching” being freely provided by the alienating parent.

I have had clients whose children have turned from the kind 5 year old they once knew to the most hate-filled 6 year old they had ever met.

But what the alienating parent seems to miss is that when their children behave this way towards their other parent, is not only hurts them to do this but it is terribly, terribly confusing.

How do I know? I’ll tell you in a minute.

Well not only do I know that, I also know that it takes a hell of a lot for a child to earnestly, honestly hate the other parent.

Why are they doing it then? Because they are being loyal to you, the alienating parent.  They don’t know any different.

They don’t have the maturity to see exactly what game you are playing…they don’t now, but they will one day, that I promise you.

The campaign of denigration you have been working on has been a good, strong and successful one. .

Each time you tell your child something horrible and negative about the other parent, each time you interfere and disrupt their relationship, your child is hurting deep down inside because you are hating on the only other parent they have.

Unfortunately however, at some point, the way you see and talk about your ex, will become the way your child sees and talks about their other parent.

So how do I know that each time they say something ghastly to the other parent it’s killing them inside?

Because I worked for several years as a Child Trauma Therapist at Victim Support Lambeth and some of the children I worked with were there as a result of the actions of one of their parents.

Dealing with Parental AlienationThe crimes included fire bombing a house while the children were inside with the real intention of killing them, a vicious attack on a mother, in front of the children, that put her in a coma and the premeditated killing of one parent by another.

The crimes that these parents had committed and put their children through were truly horrific but you know what, in the quiet of the therapy room, in the safety of those four walls, I never once met one of these children who didn’t want to see the perpetrator parent.

It was in this place that they would say that they miss them, that they would like to go visit them in prison and that they love them because, “He’s my dad.” Or “But she’s my mum.”

So as you go along your campaign of alienation, vilification and denigration, ask yourself

  • Whose agenda you’re working with?
  • What is your desired effect?
  • Are you running an agenda at the expense of your child?

And as you become successful in your crusade and war, and your child begins to resent, hate and detest the other parent, just keeping knowing that your children’s growth is not stunted and they are growing into teens, young adults and one day, they will know and learn what a disturbing game plan you had all along and they will feel ample bitterness towards you.

As Dr Phil so clearly puts it:

“Right now, you may think you’re winning because you have the children and they’re clinging on to you and he’s on the outside looking in the day will come when they will look at you and say why did I have to grow up without my daddy?”

Change your direction today.  Start dealing with parental alienation today.  If you don’t know how ask. Call me, call someone but do it for your child’s sake.

As parents, we so often say, I will do anything for my child, can you do this? Can you allow your child to have a healthy relationship with the other parent? Can you give him that? Can you allow that to happen for their own sake, health and wellbeing?

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

 

photo credit: NYC13 #02 via photopin (license)

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grandparents rights

Children of Divorce and Grandparents Rights UK – A Living Bereavement

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Grandparents rights
Jane and Mark

Jane Jackson runs a grandparents support group based in Bristol for those who have been denied contact with their grandchildren due to family breakdown.

Her son went through a separation and divorce and for a while everything was ok.  He was able to see his daughter regularly when overnight, all contact was cut for him and then consequently for Jane and her husband.

At first, Jane believed that it was something they could put right, that it was a temporary thing.  She had no idea that it would go on for several years.

Unfortunately this recording is no longer available

When Jane realised that this was something that was going to continue and didn’t have any idea what to do about it, she also learned that there were over 1m children being denied contact with their grandparents within the UK.

So Jane thought that there must be some grandparents local to her, who were going through the same thing so the question was how to reach them and once she did found a way, Bristol Grandparents Support Group came to be.

It was hard and took about 18 months to get off the ground.  Grandparents who have contacted Jane call it a living bereavement.

For Jane, it’s about the children as opposed to talking about grandparents rights.  Children get caught up in family conflict which is absolutely nothing to do with them whatsoever and its totally out of their control.

Jane doesn’t believe that a grandparent should ever have rights above those of the parents.  The parents come first and hopefully the rest will follow.  The support group is very much child focused and it’s about being the voice of the children.

What Jane has come to see and learn from other grandparents is that when the children get to about the age of 14 and 15, they then start asking pertinent questions for themselves.

They are at that stage when things are changing for them and the world around them and it seems like that’s when the realisation sets in, that they do no longer see their grandparents, they soon begin to realise that the story that they may have been given by the resident parent does not ring true anymore.

And what may happen then is that they will turn against the resident parent.  So there are really no winners in this situation.  You have a child who feels that the adult in their lives have let them down and then you have an adult who for whatever reason has alienated, the other partner and everybody just falls apart.

So it is a no-win game – for more, much more, on grandparent alienation and grandparents rights UK listen to the interview.  

If you would like to contact Jane Jackson, you could do so here – www.bristolgrandparentssupportgroup.co.uk

 

photo credit: DSC_0046 via photopin (license)

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dating after divorce
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Dating After Divorce with Vena Ramphal

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Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal
THE Passion Coach

This was my second interview with the fabulous Passion Coach Vena Ramphal.  Our first was on flirting – very informative, fun interview.  I’m almost certain each one of you will find something in both interviews that you could put into practice when dating after divorce!

Vena tells us that dating after divorce can be a very rich phase for creating a consciously fulfilling love life. 

She helps you think through what it is that you really want because, as she explains,  that’s a skill set that we don’t generally have.  We’re not really taught to think, “What is the relationship that I really want?  What does that look like?”

It’s very easy to go into a default mode and think, “Well, I want what everyone else wants.”

I asked Vena several questions and here’s some of what she had to say on the topic of dating after divorce, but I tell you now, you will need to listen to the rest of the interview to get the full benefit of Vena’s knowledge.  She’s not called the Passion Coach for nothing!

My first question, sent in previously by a reader of The Divorce Magazine, was:

What are the top 5 things one should do when they go on a date?

It’s not a question of having a set stock of things that everybody does.

Dating is a very personal thing and so the first thing I would say is to think about what you’re comfortable with in terms of your behaviour and how you want to come across.  Thing about what it is that you want to get out of that date. 

Having said that, as a general approach, remember that last week I said that flirting was about self-confidence as opposed to just getting the other person interested, well this time I’m going to say that dating is about having fun. 

So don’t worry about the 5 things, dating is really about having fun and that really means having fun in the moment, especially in the beginning, rather than thinking about planning the next stage or wondering if this person is the next one or whatever it is.

Unfortunately this recording is no longer available

The most successful serious relationships are built on a foundation of fun. 

Fun is very attractive but some people have a bad reaction to the word fun because it sounds really frivolous and do you want to come across as frivolous.  I would say be frivolous, be fun, don’t take it seriously, don’t take yourself too seriously or the other person too seriously and that’s really the main thing. 

Beyond that just make sure that you look and feel as confident as you can in that moment. More for yourself than anything else.

Does your stage in life matter as to how you view dating?  What if you’re really looking for that one person to have children with and get married to?

There are two things here. 

Firstly there’s the attitude.  The attitude you want is to just have fun in the moment and enjoy for the moment. 

The second thing is to be clear on your intention.  So if you are looking for a long term partner, I think it’s very important to be clear on your intention.  Clarity of intention is very important. 

This may sound like a contradiction but actually it’s not.  It’s a dynamic between 2 opposing poles and the dynamics is between having fun in the moment just for the moment and being clear on what it is that you want. 

And there’s a difference between stating your intention clearly and confidently and coming across as desperate and needy.

Find out what that difference is and much, much more when you listen to the rest of the interview on dating after divorce! 

I repeat, Vena knows her stuff!

Good luck!  And don’t forget – HAVE FUN!

About Vena

VENA RAMPHAL IS THE PASSION COACH SPECIALISING IN ROMANCE AND EROTIC PLEASURE.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

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what is flirting

What is Flirting and How to Work it

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Vena Ramphal
THE Passion Coach

What is flirting?  

Passion Coach, Vena Ramphal, answers this question and many more in this fun, informative and exciting interview.  

Vena is know to help people create the love life that they want to and make good clear decision that work in their lives.

Unfortunately this recording is no longer available

Here’s some of what Vena says in the interview.  You will need to listen to it in its entirety to get the full “story”:

Flirting is very exciting and it makes life more juicy, more fun and more pleasurable and personally I think everyone should be flirting more.

What is flirting?

Good question!

There’s a difference between flirting with a potential date or with someone whom you are just starting to date as opposed to flirting in an established relationship.

If you’re in an established relationship, then flirting is the promise of something more.

If you are just starting to date or flirting with people who are potential dates, it is absolutely not the promise of something more.    In other words it’s certainly isn’t a promise for sex and it’s not an invitation to sex.  That’s something that is important for people to be comfortable with and to realise because I suspect that is one of the inhabitants that prevent people from flirting.

So if you’re speaking to a potential date or someone you’re just starting to date, flirting is really only an expression of interest in the other person in that moment.

And the key thing I would say, is that it’s a statement of confidence and an enjoyment of yourself.

How do you know when someone is flirting with you?

There’s a sliding scale between someone being fun and self-expressive and interpreting that as a specific flirtation.   There is indeed a grey area and the truth is flirting does sit in the grey area.

How do you know if someone is interested in you?

That is something that you would need to find out either by asking a specific question or by giving that person the space to express specifically whether or not they are interested. 

In other words enjoy the interaction in the moment but don’t rush to put a meaning onto it because the moment you do that then it’s easy to get tense and  starting wondering where this this is going.  Just relax and then you get comfortable sitting in that grey area. 

And if it comes to it and you do need clarification in whether or not that person is actually interested in going on a date with you then you will ned to either invite a question or ask a question specifically.

Flirting works best when it is spontaneous and it’s free and there is no agenda because really just needs to be an expression of your spirit and expression of yourself and that’s very attractive.

There’s much more in the interview so go ahead, listen, enjoy and learn.

Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal
THE Passion Coach

VENA RAMPHAL IS THE PASSION COACH SPECIALISING IN ROMANCE AND EROTIC PLEASURE.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

 

photo credit: Black and White – Out of Focus via photopin (license)

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families going through divorce

Helping Children Cope with Divorce by Co-parenting Successfully

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co-parenting successfully
Deesha Philyaw and Michael D Thomas
Authors of Co-Parenting 101

Co-parenting successfully, one of the most important interviews that I have ever done!

What’s amazing about this book is the fact that Deesha and Michael were once a married couple.

One of the questions they get all the time is that they must have had a very amicable break-up to have been able to sit down and not only co-author a book but do what some couples find really hard to do together: co-parent successfully.

But they did have those hard feelings and so do understand just what it means to work together for the sake of the children despite how you may feel about your partner.

For co-parenting to work well, there needs to be some level of trust.  Trust that the other person has the best interest of the children in their heart just as much as you do.

As I usually say, the divorce itself is an important occurrence in your child’s life, but what is even more important is how you manage this transition and the life after divorce.

  • How do you manage school functions, Christmas and other important dates and anniversaries?
  • How do you introduce a new partner to your children and to your current co-parenting arrangement?
  • How important is it to honour your child’s relationship with his or her other parent?
  • How do you help your children thrive between two households?
  • What would they advice a mother who is holding her child hostage due to lack of child support payments?
  • What about a divorced father who chooses not to see his child for whatever reason?
  • How do you go about introducing a new partner into your life and that of your children?

There is so much more in this interview.

Deesha Philyaw and Michael D. Thomas wrote this book on co-parenting as a means of helping divorced parents or separated parents to manage their co-parenting successfully.

After their divorce, they managed to work together to continue being a family and parents to their children.  They have so successfully done it that after numerous requests to “write a book” it is finally here:  Co-Parenting 101: Helping your kids thrive in two households after divorce. Practical Advice from a formerly married couple.
They are candid and practical about what it means to co-parent, how to do it and how to continue looking after and nurturing your children from two homes.

As it is often said, divorce ends your marriage but not your family.

Thank you Deesha and Michael!

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why do people have affairs

Why do People Have Affairs

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Danielle Barbereau
Danielle Barbereau
Personal Crisis Coach

Here’s another interview with Personal Crisis Coach Danielle Barbereau where she answers the question, “Why do people have affairs?” among others.

Here are some of her answers but there’s more on the video below:

Why do people have affairs?

99% of my clients are at the receiving end of an affair.  So not only do they need to cope with the divorce process itself but other emotions such as humiliation and jealously.

To the question, “Why do people have affairs?”, Danielle explains that this can be due to:

  • opportunity – they may do so believing that they will not get caught
  • not considering the repercussions of their act and thinking that it’s just a fling  
  • ageing and feeling and wanting more from life
  • lack of communication between the partners and one may feel no longer valued

Can a relationship survive an affair?

It really depends on the people or the person.  It can be very hard for it to survive an affair as good, strong relationships are based on communication, respect and trust and affairs are the opposite of respect and trust and rebuilding this is can be hard. Not impossible but hard.

Once a cheater always a cheater?

This is often the case unless the reasons for cheating have been really worked through and the other partner is able to truly, truly forgive and not mention the affair all the time.

Should you take your partner back?

Again very personal situation.  Take your own counsel. The decision has to be right for you.  Sometimes an affair can serve as a wake up call.  If you’re able to really look at what happened in that instance and work through this it might be possible to resolve the situation. Communication, real communication, needs to be established and the one at the end of the affair needs to be ready to forgive and the one who had the affair needs to be very understanding about where the other partner is and what they are going through.

Would you recommend couple counselling?

Yes, especially if you’ve been married for a long time.  But you just have to accept that it might not work because couple counselling is also about clarity.  Clarity in that it may help you understand that it is indeed time to go your separate ways.

Danielle is a Personal Crisis Coach  and the author of “After the Split.”

She trained with Barefoot Coaching who are renowned for providing University accredited, rigorously validated qualifications and coaches.  

She is a member of and volunteer organiser for the Association for Coaching, a leading independent, and not-for-profit professional body dedicated to promoting best practice and raising the awareness and standards of coaching, worldwide.

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how to tell the kids about divorce

How to Tell the Kids about Divorce

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

How to tell the kids about divorce will firstly depend on their age.  But the answer to the question whether you should tell them at all when they appear too young to understand is yes.

Do tell them, talk to them, even when you believe they will not get it.

Then over the next few weeks or even month, just keep an eye on your child to make sure that he is coping as well as possible.

If you see any changes in behaviour don’t be afraid to mention it to them.  Remember some children won’t have the vocabulary nor the maturity to express themselves so they may need you to do it for them.

Tell her that you have noticed that she is finding it difficult to fall asleep ever since daddy moved out.

Acknowledging this is an easy and quick way to not only open the door for some conversation around the divorce, but will also most likely normalise his behaviour or feelings which in turn may help alleviate their concerns and worries.

If your children are at an age where they are likely to recall the moment you told about the divorce, then you need to keep this in mind and be ever more careful in the way that you handle it.

Please avoid putting the blame on either parent, even if it’s their fault in one way or the other. It may help you and make you feel vindicated and like the good parent but it really doesn’t help your child at all.

So here are some point on How to Tell the Kids about Divorce, each one is discussed further in the video below.

  • Choose the right time and place to tell them but avoid bedtimes or a couple of hours before bedtime. It would be best to tell them at a time of day where you can go on to spend the rest of the day with them so that they can ask questions if need be and begin to digest the news with you in the room or in the vicinity.
  • Choose a place that they’re familiar with e.g. at home. Avoid making it a special occasion or special new venue.
  • Don’t assume that the children know why you’re separating. Tell them why but avoid going into the nitty gritty details no matter what age.  Remember you’re the parents, the adults in the room and it’s towards you that they will turn for comfort, care and as a container for their anxieties, fears and sadness.  That’s why it’s absolutely crucial to look after yourself and get yourself a good support system.
  • Tell them together if at all possible. If not then let the other parent know when you are going to tell the kids about divorce. If you tell them without the other parent then let him/her know that you have told the children.  This is not for your ex’s benefit but for your children.
  • Again, if possible, agree on what exactly you’re going to tell them.  You will need, for their sake, to keep a united a front as much as possible.  This just helps them feel more secure and taken care off as opposed to being fed different stories from each parent.  This is very hard to do especially if you’re the one who has been left – but it’s not impossible.
  • Tell them it’s not their fault. There’s nothing they could have done to stop you both from beginning the divorce process just as there’s nothing they can do to fix it.  This may need to be repeated several times over a long period of time for the younger ones who are still at the developmental stage of their lives where they see the world from an egocentric point of view.
  • Remind them that they are loved by both parents and the separation is not because of them.  Sounds very cliched but you will be surprised how often this is not done and how parents assume that the children know this.
  • Acknowledge, verbally, the pain that they are going thorough. If you’ve experienced divorce yourself, tell them but at a later date when they will be able to hear what you’re saying.  If you tell them at the same time as you’re telling them about your own divorce, it becomes about you.  This is not the time.  They will be much more receptive later.
  • Be honest with the children. Don’t give them false hope. If you’re not getting back together, let them know. Don’t make promises that you cannot keep. Better to say, “I don’t know. I don’t have an answer to that now,” than promise them that you will see them everyday when you know that won’t be possible.  Be honest and as open as you can.
  • Don’t be be afraid of showing them that you are upset too, within reason of course, it gives them permission to be know that it’s ok to be upset.  But please don’t allow them to become your carers, especially as you go through the divorce process or divorce proceedings.  Don’t turn them into little adults that need to make sure that mummy is ok or that daddy has had dinner.  It’s not their place to do that.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five-star-rated  online course – Parenting after Separation

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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do i qualify for legal aid

As a Stay-at-Home Mum, Do I Qualify for Legal Aid to pay for Family Mediation?

Published on
Legal Aid UK
Glynne Davies
Family Mediator

In this short interview, which was a carry on from the earlier one on Legal Aid UK, I asked Glynne Davies if stay-at-home mums with no income and whose husbands are high earners, were eligible for legal aid for family mediation?

This was part of her response but you can listen to the entire interview (less than 5 mins) below:

Likelihood is that they wouldn’t qualify for legal aid because they would fall foul of the capital threshold test.

Although there are generous allowances for mortgages and for what’s called the  allowance, it’s unlikely that if you’ve got a property worth £1m or more that you’re going to qualify because the allowances are capped at £100k.

So if you’ve got a property worth a million and a mortgage worth £500k, the most they will allow on that mortgage is £100k.

If the property is in the sole name of the husband, that’s a different matter. But if it’s held in joint names then the party at that point will fall foul of the capital threshold.

If for any reason they pass the capital threshold, for instance if the property is in the sole name of the husband, then you could go on to look at their situation regarding the income. If for instance if she has access to the joint account would preclude her under the income threshold.

Glynne Davies has been a fully accredited Family Mediator since 2004. She became a Professional Practice Consultant in 2009, and a member of the Local Family Justice board since 2010.

 

Feature photo – photo credit: Filius via photopin (license)

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Can I get Legal aid for family mediation
/

Can I get Legal Aid to cover Family Mediation Costs?

Published on
Legal Aid UK
Glynne Davies Family Mediator

In this interview (scroll down), Family Mediator Glynne Davies, speaks of the divorce process UK and how legal aid can help those unable to afford the costs of the divorce proceedings.

When wondering how to get a divorce, you may want to consider family mediation.

Glynne answers the following questions:

  • Is legal aid still available for family mediation when going through a divorce?

Yes.   It is but not subject to any domestic abuse criteria. It’s simply a question of whether someone is financially eligible for legal aid.

  • At what point does one become eligible for legal aid?

There are two thresholds:

Capital threshold and Income threshold.

Capital threshold takes into account the value of equity in the family home as well as savings and valuable possessions. If you pass that capital threshold then you go on to look at the income threshold which includes looking at any benefits you may get getting.  If you are on what’s called a passported benefit – which is income related, job seekers allowance, ESA or guaranteed pension credit, then provided you’ve passed the capital threshold, you are passported through and will automatically make you eligible for legal aid.

If you are not on a passported benefit, then there needs to be a calculation done of your gross monthly income, any allowances that you might have that can be deducted from that, such as housing costs, children’s dependent allowances and the magical figure that you’re looking for is £733 at the end of that.

  • Does it cover both financial issues and children issues?

It covers both aspects. It covers anything that could be made into an application to the court under a family law remit.

  • What is legal aid?

For the purposes of mediation, it covers all costs that would be associated with the mediation process. Family mediators get a pot of money from the legal aid agency that covers the Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM), the mediation sessions and the preparation of documents as an outcome of that mediation

  • What if only one of you is eligible?

If the eligible person comes in first, so that when you see the second person for a MIAM, you already know that one person is eligible or if they come in together, and you assess the first person as eligible, then the other person, gets the MIAM meeting totally free of charge and also gets the first session totally free of charge.

This can be very helpful when talking about children’s issues or arrangements for the children because although most financial or all issues mediations take several sessions, it’s quite common for children’s issues mediation to be resolved or largely resolved in that first session.

So you could end up with a person that’s not eligible, they could even be a multi-millionaire, they would still qualify for that free first session and that could mean that both parties would have free mediation that could possibly be resolved in that first session. A big caveat, that’s relating to children’s issues only.

Other questions answered include:

  • What proof do I need to bring to show that your entitled to legal aid?
  • What is a MIAM and what role does it play in family mediation?
  • What do I need to bring to the MIAMS meeting?

Glynne Davies has been a fully accredited Family Mediator since 2004. She became a Professional Practice Consultant in 2009, and a member of the Local Family Justice board since 2010.

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dating after divorce

What I learned From My Divorce – Vena Ramphal

Published on
Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal – THE Passion Coach

2003 was the most challenging year of my life.

I had married a wonderful man in 2000 – someone I’d met at university a few years before. I meant my wedding vows; in my mind, this relationship was for life. But by 2003 I felt trapped. However, I was determined not to give up. So I didn’t.

By autumn 2004 it was clear that ‘not giving up’ was killing me internally. I felt like my soul was dying. I knew that I could choose to stay in the marriage and that my zest for life would shrivel up, or I could get a divorce.

The first made me feel numb. The second made my heart pound, my mouth go dry and my palms sweat. I chose the second – it felt stressful but a pounding heart at least told me I was alive.

Numbness was deadness. Before taking any action I took the time to take wise counsel from a couple of professionals, and to talk with my husband. Over the course of a few months my next step became clear.

At the end of February 2005 I moved out of my marital home. So began the most rollercoaster year of my life. There was exhilaration, grief, uncertainty, freedom, new adventures and the unknown territory of the divorce process. All of this made for full, bittersweet, exhausting and deeply fulfilling year.

The thing about divorce is that the deep, emotional upheaval is accompanied by disruption of your daily life. There were moments when it felt like I had nothing to hold on to. I remember one day walking down the street to my new home and suddenly everything felt surreal. For a moment I wasn’t sure whether I really lived there – I wasn’t sure if I was awake or dreaming.

To keep myself grounded and put these surreal moments into perspective I put in place a few ‘anchors’ – small things that brought stability to my daily reality.

This was my favourite. I had a colourful, luxurious shawl that was a gift from a dear friend. The first night that I slept in my new home I draped the shawl on my pillow. I did this with the express intention that when my head touched the pillow each night I would sink into a feeling of warm, indulged security. It worked. I suggest you do something similar to create an anchor for yourself at this time of transition.

 

Solo Responsibility

When you’re married you share household responsibilities. Suddenly being solo, you have to learn or re-learn the things that your ex-partner used to look after.

Household responsibilities are the boring but essential details of life – such as paying council tax or taking out the recycling. I remember feeling annoyed at this aspect of being single.

What I learned from my divorce
Don’t be embarrassed. Ask for help from trusted friends.

It was an added irritation at a time when I could have done without yet another thing to learn. I remember calling a friend and asking her to help me by talking me through some of these dull but important mechanics of the daily running of a household.

When I coach people who are newly separated I notice that many of them feel embarrassed to ask for this sort of help.

Don’t be embarrassed. Ask for help from trusted friends. Divorce is a big deal and getting help with these details will lighten the load on your mind and heart, as well as saving you time and energy you would waste trying to figure it all out yourself.

 

Telling Friends and Family

I told friends and family in my own time. I told some straightaway, and I waited months to tell others. I had an experience very early on that taught me an important lesson. I called a friend – someone who I felt very close to – to say that I was splitting up with my husband and was looking for somewhere to live.

Her response was disapproving and distant. This took me completely by surprise.

I was in ‘fast learning’ mode and decided there and then to pace myself in sharing my news. I realised that I just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with everyone’s response to my divorce. My own emotions were taking up most of my energy. I let go of any sense of obligation to tell people about my relationship status before I was ready to do so. I was pretty sure that some people would react negatively so I waited until I was settled in my new life before I told them. The result was that I was able to handle their reaction constructively.

Whether it was you or your partner who initiated the divorce, you won’t always be able to predict how people will respond. Remember that people often have strong feelings about divorce because the ‘happily ever after’ fairytale is so embedded in our social psyche. If you’re caught off guard and get a negative response when you were expecting a supportive one, close the conversation quickly and politely. Avoid getting defensive or explaining yourself.

 

datingDating

One of the best things about 2005 was dating. I had a fantastic time.

I was unapologetic in my no-strings-attached, I-want-to-have-fun approach to dating. I relished the heartful messiness of romance and sex. Each connection glimmered with soulful sensuality and playfulness.

I know that my unabashed ‘I want to have fun’ approach won’t suit everyone. The point is that you should be unapologetically yourself in dating after divorce. Date in a style that suits you, whatever anyone else thinks.

 

Committing to my own happiness

When I embarked on my new single life I came home to myself in a way that I never had before. Having tasted the misery of feeling trapped as I did in the last two years of my marriage, I was determined to settle for nothing less than happiness in all aspects of my life.

So, as well as negotiating the territory of divorce I also decided to shake things up in my work life. I had enjoyed a wonderful career as a classical Indian dancer and choreographer. But it was time for something new, although I didn’t know what that was. So I decided to enter a transition period, continuing to work in the world of dance while I explored new possibilities. That exploration and retraining lasted a couple of years and gave rise to my new career as a relationship coach and mentor.

Its not unusual for newly separated or divorced people to feel the desire for new things and new freedoms – to express themselves in new ways. This is a good time to commit – or re-commit – to your own happiness.

Vena Ramphal – Follow Vena on Twitter

 

Vena Ramphal is THE Passion Coach specialising in romance and erotic pleasure.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

 

 

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