Dr Soila Sindiyo

I had the pleasure of interviewing Vena Ramphal, Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures, recently and it was one of the most open and candid interviews we have had on The Divorce Magazine.

Here is part of it. You can watch the entire interview by clicking here.

It was January 2005, freshly into a new year and her heart knew that the relationship was over but her head said different.

Vena paced around her living room knowing that she needed to do something and realising that she couldn’t do it on her own. She had spoken to some friends and family and they had indeed been supportive but she now she realised that what she needed most was  help from someone who was either a professional and/or someone who was neutral.

Vena did find the help and it was the best thing she could have done for herself at that time.  Asked today about what to do when going through divorce and one of the first things she’ll say is, “Don’t go through it alone.  It’s not worth it.”

My Marriage is Over.

She speaks warmly of the time they met.  They were students in University and very much in love.  So they got married and like most marriages, they were happy for a while.

“He was a good man,” she says but now they were on separate journeys.  They were growing apart. They were becoming very different people, who wanted very different lives and what became apparent was that somewhat they had very different values.

2003 and 2004 were tough years. The fact that she really, really meant her vows made it even more difficult.

Her choices were to stay in the marriage and just shrivel up and die on a soul level or she would need to complete the marriage and move on in order to continue to be herself.

“People say that people get divorced too easily nowadays but is it really the case?”  Vena asks.

“But isn’t your commitment to your own happiness one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself, to your (ex) partner and to your children too?”

With this statement I ask Vena what she would tell anyone who asks:

“Should I divorce my husband or should I divorce my wife? How do I know I’m ready for a divorce?”

“Wait a little bit,” is her advice, “Especially after long breaks or holidays where tensions rise and everything feels like a pressure cooker. You don’t want to be reacting to the holidays.”

At the same time time though, you don’t want to just sweep your feelings under the carpet for another year. Ask yourself, “Have I been here before? Is this something that I am starting to feel every year?”

Don’t be reactive but don’t kick those feelings and thoughts into the long grass.

Instead, do create the space, the mental and emotional for you to ask yourself the questions that are coming up for you. Do I want to complete this marriage or do I want to continue with it and maybe go to counselling with my partner or just speak with my partner. And work through the issues that we have?

How to create that emotional and mental space?

Take some time away from the conversation with your partner whether or not you’ve done it already but do spend time on a regular basis by yourself so you can create time to have a continuing conversation with yourself. This will help get some clarity.

During the interview, Vena shares a fabulous exercise that helps you hear your voice.

What has Vena learned from her divorce experience?

She’s so grateful and appreciative for the whole marriage, for the divorce and everything.

Losing that image of your future that you had of your life with your husband or wife can be terrifying.

But you cannot be your full self, you cannot be a loving, productive, useful human being, if you’re miserable in your marriage. You just can’t.

Of course Vena had her doubts and questions about ending her marriage. Her big one was not wanting to hurt other people or what will people think?

If you’re fearful about getting divorced, remember that you would not only be liberating yourself, but you give other people, the permission to liberate themselves as well.

Start to think of it, not as a failure, but as a success and in fact as a gift.

There is no question that divorce is a hurtful and bruising process but the choice is either to stay in this caged, small life, where you do slowly die on a soul level, or you can flourish and be yourself and actually bring more joy to everyone in your life.

When your marriage is over.

Think of divorce as a completion rather than as a splitting up. This completely changes the way we think about relationships, about endings, about going on to the next chapter of our lives and it changes the we think about marriage into a much, much healthier way.

Vena says that she started a journal and this has remained a big part in her life to this day.  When you start journaling, you will be surprised at how much wisdom you have.

Doing this was a real roller coaster and that’s why you need to be prepared for the journey and you need to have a robust support system.

The mature approach to divorce – it doesn’t have to be acrimonious, it can be done intelligently, that’s not to say that there aren’t emotions but the point is there are ways in which you can hold, honour and process your emotions so then you can make clear decisions.

When committed to happiness first then we are able to shine and give the best of ourselves.

Vena Ramphal is the Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

In this interview, Personal Crisis Coach Danielle Barbereau looks what life can be about when your spouse leaves you.  [There is a sound delay in the video.  If this is too much of a disturbance for you, you have the option of listening in audio which is just below the video].

It is often said that when couples are going through divorce, the experience of the leaver is very different from that of the left.

During the divorce process, being at the receiving end is tough, to say the least, especially for the ones who never saw it coming and realise that the partner had been planning this for a long time.

It can be especially challenging for those who never get an explanation as to why their partner chose to leave or even the truth surrounding their departure. Sometimes, the explanations given may be false, for instance when they fail to mention that there is someone else.

When you find yourself at the receiving end of this kind of treatment, the hurt can be immense, specially where you have been with the same partner for several years.  At the very least you deserve the respect of an honest explanation.

Some of Danielle’s clients have come back to her and said that their wife or husband leaving them was one of the toughest experiences but which turned out to be one of the best. To get here though, some work needs to be done.

As Maya Angelou put it, “Nothing works unless you do.”

Danielle is a Personal Crisis Coach (www.personalcrisis.co.uk) and the author of “After the Split.”

She trained with Barefoot Coaching who are renowned for providing University accredited, rigorously validated qualifications and coaches.  

She is a member of and volunteer organiser for the Association for Coaching, a leading independent, and not-for-profit professional body dedicated to promoting best practice and raising the awareness and standards of coaching, worldwide.

I had the pleasure of interviewing Rasheed Ogunlaru on divorce and how this introduces us to endings and beginnings and on the role accepting divorce plays in helping us move on.

It was an interview that was full of really valuable information on how to manage the emotions and stresses that accompany the divorce process.

Rasheed has worked with people for a while now and really understands what really goes on for people during their dark times. He has worked with all kinds of people, from those in the public eye to others who looking to move on with their lives and careers.

In this interview, we talked about endings and beginnings.

This is what Rasheed had to say:

What would you say to someone who is going through divorce right one who is considering divorce?

Our whole lives are built around relationships and it can be painful when any kind of relationship comes to an end. You can feel all sorts of emotions.  There’s so much pressure to be a certain way when in a relationship, including how long they should last.

Relationships are like train journeys. There are going to be some relationships where you go through the entire course of that journey together because you’re heading in the same direction.  While there are others where people would get off at different stops because you’re going on your life journey and they are going on their own life journey.

The one person whom you’re stuck with for the entire journey is you.

So you’ve got to take time out for yourself.  For very many people it may have taken them a very long time to even get to this point in their lives in accepting that their relationship isn’t working.

Realise and recognise that there are three things going on at the moment – there’s you, the other person and then there’s the relationship in between and the key thing is how can you honour all three.

How can you honour you?  What is it that you need?  Where are you at?  Is it time for you to move forward?  Are you ready to move on from this relationship?  How do you protect yourself because sometimes things may get very, very unpleasant?

Then there is the other person; and their life, letting them go and moving on without them.  And finally there’s the relationship that is ending.  What it means and how to go about it?  It’s very, very important to honour all three of those spaces.

There can be such huge pressures on what you should do and how you should feel but remember there is no script to follow so what you are feeling is uniquely you.

The divorce process and the divorce proceedings don’t need to be bitter. It is possible to have an amicable divorce today.  Going to court as a means of going through divorce or the divorce proceedings isn’t always the way.  There are other options including family mediation, collaborative law, working with a McKenzie Friend.

The narrative around divorce doesn’t need to be adversarial. Many couples decide and manage to sort out their divorce proceedings together and amicably.

What about the difference between leaver and the left?  The left who maybe in shock and full of anger?

Give yourself time and space. You may feel numb and unable to do things. Know that there is support out there. You don’t have to go through it alone. Good friends, counsellors,family, therapists but be mindful of the type of support you reach out for.

You may also feel guilt and blame. It’s easier to move forward when you don’t carry such emotions with you. Realise that these things just happen.  Which brings us on to acceptance.

What role does acceptance play?

First of all, acceptance is not about being passive.

Rasheed explains that this is one of the most powerful steps one can take in being able to positively deal with the divorce process and start their life after divorce and separation.

Understand that it is what it is.  That is acceptance.

That moment of acceptance is the beginning of being empowered.  It’s the beginning of thinking, “OK, where am I actually with this?  What help do I need?  What are the things I need to put in place?”

Realise that if it is over, if it is unresolvable, if people are going to go their own way, then you’re going to need to go on a journey.  That is inevitable.  Accept it.

Be mindful of the fact that there will be practical, financial and a lot of things that will need to be addressed, especially with regards to the children of divorce and others concerned but there’s going to be a moment where you are going to need to take care of yourself because you are going to need to address how you are, your own wellbeing, you cannot negate yourself.  And if there are others, you are going to need to be as strong as you can be, for their sake as well as your own.

Addressing things with a good heart and good intentions is something that would be good to do because that’s all part of looking after yourself and moving on because there is still life to be lived!

To finish off – How to deal with divorce?

When going through divorce there are three important elements to keep in mind.

Firstly, what practical support do I need?

Secondly, what issues need to be addressed e.g. the children, the house, and other assets?

Thirdly, how am I looking after my emotions, my spirit, my feelings? What’s the emotional stuff that needs to be addressed or honoured or acknowledged and the support that I need? How am are you feeling in your spirit? Because there may also be that dimension where you would be wrestling with what’s in your heart?

In your heart you might be someone of kindness, someone caring so what is it that’s going to nourish you? Whether that’s spending time in nature or if you someone of faith or a humanist, whatever that looks like for you how are you keeping that going because it is an important part of your life.

Remember that sometimes this can also be a beginning. You are at a new stage in your life. Nothing ever in life is lost.

All those experiences, all those memories they are still alive, they are still all very relevant and you might be able to see them within yourself, within the other, within the children, within the things that you have created.

As strange as it may sound right now, be very grateful for this gift of life and for this opportunity of moving on because it will make you stronger, it will make you wiser and know that you  be ready to love if you open your heart to being loving and kind.

Don’t let the divorce shut out your emotions towards yourself and others. Embrace life and life will embrace you and I wish all the best as you move forward in your life.

Thank you Rasheed.

Rasheed Ogunlaru is a leading life coach, motivational speaker and business / corporate coach.

His clients include entertainers, celebrities, entrepreneurs,  experts, Chief Executives, professionals, healers, therapists, organisations and the public. He specialises in helping people find lasting fulfilment in all areas of their lives, careers and relationships – from within.

Rasaru.com