Dr Soila Sindiyo

go get a job

Divorce Judge Tells Millionaire’s Wife – Go Get a Job!

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Claire O Finn
Claire is a consultant in Keystone Law’s Family team

The ex-wife of a millionaire racehorse surgeon has been told by Lord Justice Pitchford to get a job as she has no right to be financially supported for life by her former husband – all whilst living mortgage free in a £450,000 home.

Mother of two Mrs W, was told by the judge that divorcees with children aged over seven should at least try to work for a living.

Substantial payments being made by Mr W – who claims he is worried that he won’t be able to afford them when he retires at 65 – will now gradually reduce over five years before stopping completely.

In addition the Judge added that the payments were never intended to provide Mrs W with a lifelong income in the first place.

Keystone’s Family and Matrimonial lawyer Claire O’ Flinn commented,

“This ruling is ground-breaking for divorcing husbands and wives alike and reflects a serious change in outlook on mothers being expected to return to work after divorce.

For many years the courts have been ordering husbands to pay spousal maintenance to their former wives for long after the husbands have retired and whilst the wives show no willingness to work or provide for themselves financially, often when they have an earning capacity.

Lord Justice Pitchford has said that ‘it is possible to find work that fits in with childcare responsibilities’ and criticised the wife for not updating her skills and for not seeking work because she expected to be supported by her former husband.

Husbands will rejoice in the judgment and wives may feel vulnerable but as each case is unique in its facts, divorcing clients should always seek specialist family law advice before agreeing to any settlement with their spouses.”

For more information get in touch with Claire O’ Flinn or your usual Keystone contact.

Claire is a consultant in Keystone Law’s Family team.

She is a highly experienced family solicitor who has specific expertise in resolving complex financial consequences of relationship breakdown whether based in this country or internationally.

Claire has particular experience in advising on private children issues; she advises on contact and residence disputes issues including the making and defending applications to remove children from the jurisdiction.

Above all, Claire is committed to helping couples part with dignity and to minimise the impact on the family. Claire provides clients with practical advice and workable solutions.  She is a trained collaborative lawyer and also a contributor to published family law journals.

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Our 10 Fab Famous Divorce Quotes

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Here are our 10 fab famous divorce quotes.

Enjoy them and check out our Pinterest page too. There are more famous divorce quotes on there as well as those about children of divorce and inspirational quotes.

 

 

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shared parenting

Who has Parental Responsibility?

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angela-lally
Family Solicitor Angela Lally at Simpson Sissons & Brooke LLP

What is parental responsibility?

Parental responsibility defines the legal rights and responsibilities you have as a parent. It is defined by law as “all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property”.

Who has parental responsibility?

The mother of the child automatically has parental responsibility for any child born to them.

A father usually has parental responsibility either:

  • if he is married to the child’s mother, or
  • if he is named as father on the birth certificate (for any children born after 1st December 2003).

If they are not named on the birth certificate or they are named on the birth certificate but it pre-dates the change to the law in 1st December 2003 then they do not automatically have parental responsibility.

Same sex couples who are in a civil partnership or married at the date of the child’s birth will both have parental responsibility. For same sex partners who are not civil partners or married, it is possible for the second parent to obtain parental responsibility.

How do you obtain parental responsibility if you do not have it automatically?

It can be obtained either by:

  • entering into a parental responsibility agreement with the mother, or
  • applying for a parental responsibility order from the Court.
  • Entering into a parental responsibility agreement with the mother is the quickest way to obtain parental responsibility. Form (PRA1) can be downloaded from the Court website and completed by both parents. There are certain forms of identification required. The form must be signed in front of an officer of the Court so that the easiest way to do this is to make an appointment to take it to the Court office. The form does not have to be signed at the same time by mother and father so it would be possible for example the mother to sign and then provide the form to the father and for the father to sign subsequently. It must then be filed with the Principle Registry of the Family Division. There is no fee payable for filing this agreement. It will then confer parental responsibility on the father.
  • If it is not possible to reach an agreement with the mother to confer parental responsibility on the father, the father can make an application to the Court under the Children Act. There is a Court fee which is currently £215.00 although if the applicant is on a low income or in receipt of benefits then there may be a reduction in the Court fee or an exemption from paying it. Form C1 should be completed and sent to the Court together with the Court fee (or fee remission application if applicable). The Court will then return paperwork to the applicant to arrange for it to be served on the mother. It is likely that the application will be listed for a short hearing called a directions hearing and there may also be involvement of Cafcass. If at the first directions hearing the mother agrees to the parental responsibility, then an order can probably be made at that time. Otherwise, it will be listed for a hearing when the Court will actually decide whether parental responsibility should be granted or a Cafcass Officer will be ordered to file a report recommending what is in the best interest of the child in accordance with the welfare checklist.

How does parental responsibility affect child maintenance?

Child maintenance, otherwise known as child support, is a payment made to the parent with main care of the child by the non-resident parent. If, for example, the child lives with the mother, the father will be required to pay child maintenance to the mother to cover the cost of raising the child. Child maintenance is payable regardless of whether the father has parental responsibility. If there is a dispute over paternity then this can be raised with the child maintenance service.

Angela Lally – www.simpsonsissonsandbrooke.co.uk

Originally from the Sheffield area, Angela studied for her law degree at the University of Liverpool and her post-graduate qualification at the University of Sheffield, qualifying as a Solicitor in 2002. Angela has specialised in family law since qualifying and enjoys the mixture of client interaction and court work which is part and parcel of being a family solicitor.

Before joining SSB in 2009, Angela worked for two large local firms of solicitors, gaining an extensive range of skills in all aspects of family law and developing a particular interest in dealing with the financial aspects of divorce and separation. Whilst at SSB Angela qualified as a Resolution Accredited specialist, recognising her knowledge of family law matters.

Angela has a busy life outside of work, looking after 3 young children as well as regularly attending a number of fitness classes such as Zumba and Fight FX and also enjoys running. When the opportunity to relax arises, family driving holidays to France are a favourite.

 

 

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love letter to my son's stepmom

A Love Letter to My Son’s Stepmom

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Shelley Wetton
Shelley Wetton

When I learned you were going to be part of my son’s life, I couldn’t breathe.

I expected you to despise me, the ex-wife, in the way so many women do. And I worried you’d see my little boy as a nuisance, someone to be tolerated because he was a reminder of me.

Would Connor annoy you when he had a tantrum or needed to be consoled? When he spilled juice, would you be angry? Young children affect vacation plans, dinners, quiet time. Would you grow to resent him the way so many stepmoms do? And would my little boy end-up broken and confused because he didn’t feel loved?

When Connor was with you and his dad, I’d slip into his bedroom at my house and lay among his blankets, wondering where he was and what he was doing at that exact moment.

How was I going to exist in a world where my child had a life without me. He still had so many firsts, so many pictures to draw, movies to see, pets to love, a bike to ride.

He was only three.

And, so, the hum of a prayer weaved through my thoughts and I’ll never forget the feeling that accompanied my plea with the entire universe:   Please let her love my child. Please, please let her love my little boy.

And you did.

And in doing so, you showed me the greatest kindness of my life. You also ensured I wouldn’t miss a thing.

You invited me to stay the night so I’d be near Connor after his tonsil surgery. You invited me over when the training wheels came off his bike. And I’ll never forget the time you led me through your house so I could see Connor’s bedroom which brought me comfort, so much comfort, to know where he slept when he wasn’t with me. I looked around his room, at fluffy pillows , cozy blankets, books, toys, artwork…and framed pictures of me.

Over the years we’ve raised Connor from toddler to teenager. We’ve consulted each other on everything, from what shoes to buy him to what summer program suited him best. We’ve celebrated his accomplishments and shared heart ache at times of struggle.

Of course, we’ve also been upset with each other and disagreed. Remember when you believed Connor was old enough to ride his bike to school, while I didn’t?  As it turns-out, he was more than capable. And you knew this because you knew him. You paid attention to him, guided him, mothered him.  You helped me let him spread his wings in the way he simply needed to.

blended family 2Since the very beginning, you’ve loved him with the selflessness and intensity I prayed for, as if he were your own. And he is.

You kissed bruises, bandaged skinned knees and wiped Connor’s tears when he was little. You made sure he had extra blankets in the winter, was pool safe in the summer. You’ve made his birthday cakes, Valentine’s Day cards and took snacks to school on his birthday. You remember every little detail.

Recently, you ensured Connor’s safety on a family vacation to Mexico. You allayed my concerns when he took surf lessons and promised he’d always be within your line of vision. You even made sure Connor called me just so I could hear his voice.

As he grows, we may not be kissing bruised knees, but I know you’ll console the inevitable moment his ego is bruised, when life’s disappointment creeps into the fabric of his teenage life. He’ll need me and he’ll need you. Our son has the unique advantage of having opinions from two moms who may not always agree, but who share a concern for his well-being.

In this way, you’ve helped me guide him and influence the person he’s become – you’ve informed his perspective of the world, his sense of right and wrong, his respect for authority and women.

You’ve encouraged him to be assertive, to listen to his own voice, to trust his heart.   And what’s more, you’ve respected and mirrored my thoughts on everything from bedtime routines to discipline, and in this way, you’ve honored me. Just as our son has grown, so have we.

I’m so proud to have attended mass, parent-teacher conferences, football and basketball games and hours-long swim meets, with you. Together, we’ve met with school Principals and Deans, not because Connor was in trouble, but because we felt strongly about his education and safety. Together, we’ve shared so very much, from volunteering in the snack shack to a much-needed glass of wine.

I trust you with Connor’s life, and in so doing, trust you with the most precious part of myself.

Our son is on the honor roll.  He’s polite, shows compassion for others, can laugh at himself, and is considered a joy by his teachers, coaches and the parents of his friends.

I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, take full credit for any of our son’s accomplishments. He is the sweet soul we’ve raised between two homes. So, thank you. Thank you, Jill, for being patient and tolerant as we navigated this life we didn’t expect – a life that included each other. Above all else, thank you for selflessly loving and mothering our son.

Shelley Wetton is a writer who works in corporate branding. She’s also a wife, ex-wife, mother and stepmother who’s co-parented for over a decade while advocating for blended families. Her work has been published by The Huffington Post, Mamalode and iVillage Australia, among others. Shelley was a single mother for many years and writes about finding beauty in life (despite divorce) on her blog www.peoniesandtumbleweeds.com.

Shelley can also be found on Facebook (Peonies and Tumbleweeds), Instagram (peoniesandtumbleweedsblog) and Twitter (@peoniesblog).

She lives in California and holds a BA and MA in English.

 

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Dr Phil on Children of Divorce and their Parents

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I often watch and seek out videos that help in one way or other when it comes to issues around divorce and especially those around children and divorce.

Many have written on the effects of divorce on children and why children need both parents.

I have to say that if you read or watch just one thing around this topic please make it the video below by Dr Phil on children of divorce. It just really encapsulates what children of divorce need to make sure they do the best they can in their new life and chapter.

Children of divorce need as much help in coping with divorce. Many parents who are making it difficult for children to continue having a relationship with the other parent, either through parental alienation or by simply making it as difficult as possible for them to see one another, are often parenting from hurt, pain, anger and from a place of vengeance.

If this is you, realise that you may indeed be a toxic parent.

Children of divorce find themselves stuck in a situation chosen and created by parents. They are often confused, angry and lost.

The main and probably only people who can make it better for them are their parents.

If you are co-parenting with an angry ex or one who is uncooperative then sadly, it just means you’ve got more work to do in making sure your children’s fears and anxieties are contained. And if that container needs to be you then the best thing you can do is find and create your own support system that could include friends and extended family.

 

The children are picking up the tab for you running an emotional agenda and they will resent you for that in the long run. You may think you’re winning because you have the children and they’re clinging on to you and he’s on the outside looking in the day will come when they will look at you and say why did I have to grow up without my daddy?  I promise you this will backlash on you and you will remember the day that I said that to you if things don’t change here.

Dr Phil

 

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divorced dads and their children

Divorced Dads and their Children

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I write this post a bit annoyed following an experience this week, where a certain person is denying the father of her daughter any type of contact because she felt that she, the daughter aged 5, needed time to get used to the divorce??

This is a statement that she kept repeating which frankly doesn’t make any sense because by keeping her away from her father, not only is she suffering yet another sudden loss in her life (aside from the break-up of her family) but another shock will be awaiting her when daddy, is then “reintroduced” in her life at a later stage.

Backstory: Dad left them, not for another woman, but he felt because he needed to.

It remains quite obvious that this lady was now parenting from hurt, anger and vengeance than from anywhere that would mean putting her daughter’s wellbeing first.

I’m annoyed that in this day and age, there are still children out there that have to watch helplessly as their relationship with their father is disrupted, interfered with or even permanently severed just because someone is angry, resentful and vengeful.

Yes, I know there are situations and circumstances where it’s better for a child not to be with his/her father just as there are situations and circumstances where a mother shouldn’t be in the children’s lives.

These are not the cases I am talking about here when I speak of divorced dads and their children.

The ones I’m talking about are those where choices are made by some parents to dismiss or interrupt the father-child relationship, with no real or valid reason except because the divorce has been acrimonious and emotions are running very high.

Divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship. Your ex-partner didn’t turn into a monster of a father within 24 hours.

That your ex-partner, the mother of your children, is giving you hell each time you go round to see or pick up the children is not a good enough reason to stop seeing them just to keep the peace. Whose peace are you keeping? And while you’re keeping it, what happens to your children now and in the future? It doesn’t have to be this way, there are ways and means around this.

That you live in a far away country doesn’t mean that you don’t keep up good, in fact very good, communication with your children. Not with the likes of skype, viber and whatsapp – all free – to help you along the way. Of course it’s not the best way but if it’s the only way then why not use it as much as possible?

Denying your child their father or removing yourself from their lives is like slowly, gradually wiping away their opportunities to better chances in life.

When it comes to Divorced Dads and their Children did you know:

• In a longitudinal study, Flouri and Buchanan (2002-2004), found that a father’s involvement with his child before the age of seven was linked to a good parent-child relationship in both adolescence and into adulthood.

divorced dads and their children• Children who had a good relationship with their father were less likely to get into trouble with the police (same study).

• Children whose fathers were involved in their upbringing had a better chance of attaining higher educational qualifications than those who didn’t (same study)

• Another two-year study by J. Dunn et al., concluded that:”More frequent and more regular contact (which included communication by telephone) was associated with closer, more intense relationships with non-resident fathers (relationships that were both more positive and more conflicted), and fewer adjustment problems in the children.”

• Wallerstein et al. (2002) found that those children who’s fathers were involved tended to make faster progress in their cognitive and social development as they went about exploring the world together

• 5 year old children, followed over a 25 year period, who were closely involved with their fathers were found to be more “empathic as adults and were happier as husbands and as parents than those who had not experienced close relationships with their own fathers a quarter of a century earlier – M. E. Lamb (ed.) (1997) and in K. Pruett(2000)

• Daughters who, over several years, managed to have a good and loving relationship with their husbands, came from homes where they had a “healthy, loving relationship with their fathers as children” – J. S Wallerstein and S. Blakeslee (1995)

So as you go about your divorce and separation, as you go about creating your co-parenting plan, don’t do what has been done so many times before and still continues; don’t overlook or underestimate those afternoons spent in the park with daddy and those days spent just talking, playing and walking because it is these moments that will have a positive influence on your child in so many ways today and in his or her future life.

If you’re struggling with creating a parenting plan, do get in touch.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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The Benefits of Solitude

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the benefits of solitude
Professor Stephen Joseph. Professor in Psychology, Health and Social Care at the University of Nottingham,

I cam across this post on “The Benefits of Solitude” by Prof Stephen Joseph recently and thought it really appropriate in letting us know that being alone is not only all right but can indeed be necessary for our welfare and wellbeing.

Humanistic and positive psychologists talk about the importance of relationships in fostering good mental health. Relationships that are unconditional, genuine, and empathic help to bring the best out in us. In such relationships we flourish.

Not surprisingly, as psychologists we tend to promote the idea that people need to develop their relationships as a way to find happiness in life.

What is rarely pointed out however is the scarcity of such relationships. The fact is that on a day to day basis most of our relationships are controlling, false and lack understanding.

Be they family relationships or those we have at work, the stark reality of what most of us have to contend with are relationships that we only too glad to escape from. It might be the relief at leaving home to get to work or the relief of leaving work to get home, or sadly for many of us, the in between ground of the car when we have the solitude of being alone.

The point is that we might deeply desire positive relationships in which we are accepted for who we are and able to be ourselves but it is not what we always have.

My worry is that as psychologists we induce guilt and shame with our message that relationships are the path to happiness. Let us not also forget that relationships are the path to misery. It is when we we are in relationships that are controlling, inauthentic and which lack empathic understanding that we are at our worst.

Sometimes, being on our own is the best and most healthy option we have at that moment in time.

We should strive to be unconditionally accepting, genuine and empathic in our relationships with others and we might hope that we get the same back. But if we don’t get it back, then it is okay to walk away.

Positive relationships are worth striving for, but surely solitude is better than relationships that make us feel ill? It is in solitude that we can begin to find ourselves and the new directions in life that will take us to better relationships.

Stephen Joseph is Professor in Psychology, Health and Social Care at the University of Nottingham, a senior practitioner member of the British Psychological Societies register of psychologists who specialise in psychotherapy, and an HCPC registered health and counselling psychologist.

He is the author of “What Doesn’t Kill Us.”

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Why Lying to Children of Divorce is a Time Bomb

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I recently spoke to a divorced dad friend of mine who lives in the States and whom I have known for over 20 years.

My discussion with him is what prompted this article because it was not the first time that I have come across lies we tell our children as we go through divorce.

He and his ex-wife divorced when their daughter was just turning 1 and from then on all contact with his child became a hellish journey comprised of last minute cancellations and changes in pre-arranged visitation dates and times as well as wasted journeys where he would be met with a no-show from ex-partner and child.

Well, one day he went over as planned and they were not home. It was the neighbour who informed him that the “the lady who lived there” had moved back to her country of origin which was in a very distant continent.

He had not been consulted, not been told and had no idea.

He eventually managed to track them down and in the last 10 years, has managed to see his daughter twice.

Last year, his now 14 year old daughter sent him an email asking if she could go live with him and his family. She explained that it was her mum’s suggestion as she had lost her job and home and was finding it difficult to look after her.

My friend and his current wife, were happy to have her, despite the fact that they too were and still are struggling financially.

So he replied to his daughter and told her this, adding that while they were making the necessary arrangements, her mother, his ex-partner, would need to write to the authorities concerned to inform them of the new arrangement so that the child maintenance cheques can stop.

Thing to understand here is that the State in which he lives does not mess about when it comes to child support. If you fail to pay a couple of times, they will come for you and you can explain the rest to the judge! So whether my friend liked it or not, child support was on thing he wasn’t about to play around with.

His daughter replied with the words, “What child support.  Mum told me you’ve never paid any child support.”

The truth is now beginning to unravel like a ball of wool. As is sometimes said, “today is the tomorrow you feared yesterday.”

Here is a child who will slowly, in one way or other, begin to understand that not everything her mum told her about her father is true.Divorce and the lies we tell our children

Forget about how this will affect the mother/daughter relationship and think about how this will affect the way this girl will begin to see her own life and the guilt she might feel for having resented or hated her father for so long for something he never did.

If her mother could lie about something so fundamental and so easy to prove untrue, what else could she have lied about to her daughter regarding her father?

My questions to you are the following:

What is the point of telling our children untruths about their other parent while going through a divorce?

How does that benefit them?

What is the point of alienating them from the other parent? Again, how does that benefit them? Do we not realise that one day, this child will grow up, that he/she will meet up with his/her alienated parent and the truth will come out?

Are we really that short-sighted?

Do we not realise that these children will grow and in time the truth will emerge?

Do we not understand that by lying to them, we are indeed planting a time bomb on our own relationship with them and when the “boom” happens, because it will, they, our children, will resent us for the longest time possible. Are we really that fatuous?

In my line of work, I have heard of lies much more serious and damaging than this.

As a parent, aren’t we supposed to make sure our children are alright no matter what that costs us?

Why do we lie to them about someone so significant in their life, someone whom they are part of?

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Divorce a Career Killer?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Recently, my ex and I along with 2 other couples appeared in The Times Magazine on divorce in your 40s.  What was interesting about this piece was that each one of the ladies had gone on to work in the area of divorce in one capacity or other.

I continue my work as a Child Therapist but eventually founded The Divorce Magazine, while Nevine Bentley went on to do law and train as a Family Mediator and Suzy Miller created a few products including The Alternative Divorce Directory.

Well, you’ve heard it said once, you’re heard it said twice and I will say it here again – divorce is like a death.

Just like a marriage and becoming a parent, you cannot plan your divorce nor know how it feels or how you will cope (or not) until you weather that storm.

When you go through divorce that’s when you get to know exactly what you are capable off, the good and the bad and the just plain ugly.

You get to see what others have been through and realise that there are indeed something things in life that are very capable of knocking you sideways and propelling you into a land that you never had any intention of visiting let alone residing in.

Yet here you are. In the land of inner pain, anger, resentment with a touch of relief and anticipation for what the future holds. A place where concentration, sleep disturbance and appetite attack are all names of avenues, street and roads.

Welcome to the land of “The Divorced Working Mum.”

20 years later and I still recall how one of my daughter’s nursery teachers came to school one Monday morning looking tired, worn out and red-eyed.

I can tell you that we all noticed because she was always the best groomed teacher of them all. As it turned out, her husband had just left her and the children (2 children under 9) that weekend. She was not the I-am-in-control teacher whom we used to see. That one had left.

Divorce a career killer?
Is your divorce steering you towards a different career?

Mrs A, let’s call her, stayed on for another couple of weeks but eventually had to leave and take a much needed break. She went to see her parents…and never came back.

So what happens when you find yourself divorced and the main carer of your children? How does that affect your career or work prospects?

For me personally, my divorce experiences steered me to working in a totally different way than I had anticipated. I had two children and no family around to help. I had to drop out of courses during divorce number one and had to quit one job during divorce number two and opt for a part-time position that was paying me not only a fraction of my previous salary but that was also mind-numbingly dull.

In the meantime, my ex-husbands, had the support and help from their work places. They could work long hours if they wanted to because they didn’t have to get home in time to pick up their children from school and look after them.

They were encouraged to take time off if they needed to and they both chose not to opting instead to keep busy, as busy as they could.

But without taking that break and accepting that help, they both ended up burned out and with great difficulty performing at work. Both eventually changed jobs. They too, were steered into another direction by their painful experiences of divorce.

I recently read this quote in Oprah Magazine, an article by Martha Beck:

“If you’ve had a run of horrible luck, you can tell yourself you’re being tortured or punished. Or you can decide you’re being steered.”

So did my two divorces kill my career?

That’s the story I held for a long time. That’s the belief that I carried with me for a long while until one day, I realised that, the divorces shifted me to where I am today, doing what I love.

Remember that mind-numbingly dull job I ended up in? Well if it wasn’t for that job and it’s dreariness, I wouldn’t have taken the huge risk of resigning and working for myself.  I had to do something.  I just couldn’t stay there.

I am now working with children and families affected by divorce, trauma and loss and I am pursing my other love and passion, which is writing. I work for myself. I control my days and hours. That is what has worked for my children and I.

So is divorce a career killer?  Will it be yours?

Divorce will affect the way you work and perform, at least initially.

As already mentioned, there are many parts of your inner world and being that no longer function as you knew them to namely your concentration which can be affected by your emotions which are affected by your thoughts which then play a role in determining your actions.

The one piece of advice I could give anyone going through divorce to do is to take time off.  Do ask for help and take it and accept it when it is offered.  Ok, that’s more than one but they are all important.

Only when you take care of yourself will you be able to see things clearly as you will be creating the space to do so. This is no time to be warrior woman or warrior man.

If you are employed then speak with your boss, let someone in the office know what is going on in your personal life. If you are now the main carer of your children, find out what work options there are for you.

Divorce encourages you to reassess your current situation to find and discover very creative ways to get time with your children, earn some money and look after yourself.

It’s not easy. We love spending time with our little ones but bills need to be paid.

But here you are. The change has come. You are being steered. Which way will you go? What will you do? What can you do? Know your options and take it from there.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Embracing Change (when you’d rather hide away)

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Mary-Work-your-way
Business Mentor, Coach and Founder of Work your Way

It’s a brand new year. An ideal opportunity to set new goals and plan ahead for exciting new projects.

But if last year was a challenging, or even distressing one for you, you might feel yourself teetering towards a new turning point in your life.

Almost like coming to a crossroads.

I actually think it’s a little scary when you reach a crossroads in your life. Unchartered territory stretched out before you.

Which path will you take?

There’s that fleeting moment, or two, when you run through little scenarios in your mind.

When you worry about taking the wrong path.

Worry about screwing it all up.

Not being able to make things right again afterwards.

And then having to explain it all away, when you’ve got egg on your face and feel a complete and utter idiot.

All so emotionally draining.

I remember that feeling only too well, back in 2005.

I was a couple of months into my maternity leave, having just had my second child, when one day I picked up a call from a colleague.

Had I heard the news? We were all in for the chop!

The whole department – considered a boutique and surplus to requirements – was going to be disbanded.

I went from looking forward to ‘a little time off’ to bond with my new born, secure in the knowledge that I’d return to my cushy little marketing job, to wondering where on earth I’d filed the latest copy of my resumé.

Where would I find work now? Would I have to take a pay cut? How would I afford the nursery fees?

Sudden and unexpected change, can be momentarily disorienting.

But as scary as it can be, you can start  embracing change and even learn to enjoy it.

Here’s how.

Small steps in the right direction

I think it’s important to realise that when you venture out into a new direction, the answers don’t have to come to you all at once.

Embracing change
Make the most out of this year before you.

“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” Old Chinese Proverb

I love that proverb.

To me, the ‘right direction’ doesn’t necessarily mean a definite destination point. It can simply mean the right decision for you at that moment in time.

There doesn’t even have to be a right or wrong answer, you can enjoy the process of learning, uncovering and discovering along the way.

When I finally decided that redundancy could be a blessing in disguise and to give self-employment a go, I identified what I thought were my most transferrable skills at the time – writing, presentation design, marketing, people skills, to name just a few.

But for a long time afterwards, I honestly didn’t know what to do with them or how best to use them – much less make money with them.

It was a process of taking lots of little steps and following my inkling – testing things out, giving it a go, poking around forums, asking questions, networking, learning new skills on the fly, adapting them, honing them.

I’ve ended up with a business that bears little resemblance to the one I started out with.

But that’s okay.

I’ve learnt so much along the way, and able to serve others far better because of it.

When you tell yourself you’ll take it one small step at a time, there’s no pressure to ‘succeed’.

Make that first step a trip to your local bookshop to treat yourself to a beautiful journal.

The second step, an afternoon to yourself where you can explore your thoughts and jot down some ideas. Not plans. Just ideas. Dig out some magazines, newspaper cuttings, watch a movie – anything that helps to lift your mood and inspire you.

Give yourself time. You’ll get there.

Don’t write off mistakes as a #fail

We’re made to feel uncomfortable with the idea of failure, and so we try to avoid making mistakes at all costs.

But Tim Harford, in his new book ‘Adapt: Why Success Always Starts with a Failure”, argues a strong case for leveraging trial and error to better equip us for success.

In fact, he believes that we need failure in order to succeed.

“Accepting trial and error means accepting error. It means taking problems in our stride when a decision doesn’t work out, whether through luck or misjudgment. And that is not something human brains seem to be able to do without a struggle.”

There are well document examples of the world’s most successful people who have failed, at times more than once.

So failure needn’t be something to be ashamed of at all.

It’s what you choose to do afterwards – or perhaps in spite of it – that counts.

It could lead to something remarkable.

 Draw upon others for help and support

It’s not a sign of weakness if you recognise that you need support with where you want to be in life.

There are many situations in everyday life where we readily accept that we need an expert’s help or opinion – from the mundane (a plumber) to something far more serious (our GP).

Yet when it comes to a crisis in our personal life, our place of employment or our business, we battle alone valiantly, because we feel we should be able to cope.

Who can you call upon for help, to support you, to gee you up when you feel you’re flagging, to hold you accountable when you want to achieve something specific.

Whether it’s a friend, mentor or coach, it can be so reassuring to know that you have someone there by your side, who wants you to be the very best you can be.

Make the most out of this year before you.

It CAN be your year.

It can be a wonderful year.

Mary Cummings is an entrepreneur, business mentor, coach and founder of Mary Cummings Services dedicated to helping people create work that they love – whether it’s starting a business from scratch or monetising a hobby – her aim is to help them do it successfully and profitably.

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parental alienation

10 Signs of Parental Alienation

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10 Signs of Parental Alienation

“You don’t want to turn this over to the courts. You don’t want to go in there and file a motion and turn the destiny of your family over to a stranger. You want to work this out yourselves if you can.”Dr Phil

signs of parental alienation - www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Linda Gottlieb and Dad

The child is programmed to believe that her/his other parent is: worthless, selfish, unloving, malevolent, undeserving, and dangerous, etc.

The effective result is that the children become convinced they will be happier, healthier, and better adjusted if their targeted parent is eradicated from their lives.

Some examples of the denigrating behaviour are listed below:

1)  Sabotaging and interfering with visits or not permitting visits at all.

2)  Depriving the targeted parent of important information about the child, including but not limited to medical, educational, and social activities.

3)  Not informing and excluding the targeted parent from the child’s activities, parent/teacher conferences, birthdays, religious events, graduations, etc.

4)  Programming the child against the targeted parent by belittling, criticizing, and deprecating the targeted parent in the child’s presence.

5)  Removing the targeted pictures of the targeted parent from the child’s awareness.

6)  Interference with and not being supportive of contact between the targeted parent and the child. This contact includes the telephone, text messaging, e-mailing, skype, or other methods.

7)  Making unilateral decisions in major areas regarding the child.

8)  Verbally and physically abusing the targeted parent by the child and/or alienating parent.

9)  Defying the targeted parent’s supervision and authority.

10)  Rejection of the targeted parent’s gifts, cards, vacations, and other offers of help.

by Linda Gottlieb, LMFT, LCSW

If you would like to know more about Linda please do visit her website  -www.endparentalalienation.com

Click on the link below to get Linda’s book from Amazon

linda gottlieb -Book Cover

www.amazon.co.uk/Parental-Alienation-Syndrome-Collaborative-Amelioration/

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Can Couple Counselling Help after an Affair?

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after an affairWe recently had an article by Wayfarer of  Infidelity Help Group  on 10 Steps to Coping with Infidelity and it is from this article that the following post emerges.

There was one point that I needed clarifying – point number 6 “Avoid Marital Therapy” and this was Wayfarer’s response:

Yes, I would actively discourage marital therapy in the immediate aftermath of an affair.

You didn’t cause the affair – so why are you in therapy learning how to ‘prevent’ another one?  The marriage didn’t cause the affair – so how can marital therapy fix it? Poor communication didn’t cause the affair – so how does learning improved communication in marital therapy stop another one from happening?

Marital counselling presupposes that the issues being addressed are ‘couple issues’.

Infidelity is NOT a shared issue – it is owned entirely by the cheater.

Yes, there may have been issues within the marriage, but the affair was caused by the cheater’s internal issues, not any imperfections in the marriage.

If affairs were caused by imperfect marriages and/or spouses, you would both be having affairs!

It’s important to understand that cheating is a mindset of entitlement, self satisfaction and unethical behaviour. Cheaters feel entitled to continue to deceive and manipulate (trickle truth is a common post-affair problem) to preserve their lifestyle despite their behaviour and to avoid any material consequence to their choices.

Marital therapy with a cheater who has not made changes to their world view and personal narrative can essentially teach the cheater what to say and do to keep their faithful spouse firmly in place, hushed up and ‘getting over it’. What it doesn’t do is address the internal non-marital thinking that the cheater employed to give themselves permission to cheat in the first place.

It’s worth nothing that marital therapy is a business that requires dysfunctional relationships in order to survive.

Neither the cheater nor the faithful spouse are encouraged to identify or pursue alternatives to the marital relationship, because the industry requires that fear and convention keep people trying to work though dysfunction.

It is rare for a marital therapist to encourage either party to pursue their personal goals and dreams for themselves if those goals and dreams potentially lead them away from the marriage, and the therapist’s service.

If a cheater requires guidance to help them address their own issues, I would recommend that they seek individual psychotherapy.

The faithful spouse can use this time to observe if there is authentic, clear, and sustained change in the cheater’s fundamental thinking and ethical framework. Only when the cheater has addressed this can there be any meaningful work on the marriage – so marital therapy is an option for much later on in the process.

You asked if it was possible for marital therapy to help in some cases. I would agree that marital therapy can help encourage a Divorce Avoidance Plan.

In our experience, Divorce Avoidance Plans always result in an unfulfilled, miserable, and distrustful faithful spouse who feels that:
  • The cheater hasn’t really changed.  This is because the cheater hasn’t changed at their core because at its core, marital therapy isn’t about the cheater.
  • The cheater hasn’t truly held themselves accountable and hasn’t personally driven marital repair.

Unfortunately, marital therapy seeks to ‘share’ blame and responsibility for repair between the cheater, the marriage, and the faithful spouse. It can be inferred from this and the very suggestion that marital therapy is necessary that the cheater is somewhat relieved of sole accountability for their affair.

For the cheater, post-infidelity marital therapy is externally directed and prescriptive i.e. it is the therapist and the faithful partner who generally drive any ‘recovery’, not the cheater’s inner-directed actions and intent.

We typically see faithful spouses in Divorce Avoidance Plans frustrated and confused, desperate for marital therapy to work. They might limp along in a dissatisfying marriage for years, applying more plasters to the cracks, even when they become chasms. Many hold their fundamental deal breaker as another affair – when the real deal breaker should be the cheater’s lack of change.

Discontinuing marital therapy feels counter-intuitive, I know. Many hope that therapy can keep their marriage together, which it might well do for a time. That hope, fuelled by fear of change and strong emotional ties to the cheater can result in a desperate investment in and commitment to marital therapy.

I want better for you than a Divorce Avoidance Plan – but I also understand that removing marital support exposes the cheater’s real thinking and lack of personal motivation to change – and that’s when things get risky.

I wish you well through this process.

~ Wayfarer

Infidelity Help Group offers free support and education for those whose lives have been affected by infidelity. We are secular advocates of self-esteem, self-worth, personal goals, and self-empowerment.

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