Dr Soila Sindiyo

dealing with divorce emotions

Dealing with Divorce Emotions whilst Looking after your Children

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Break ups are hard enough on us adults without children being involved while dealing with divorce emotions.

I have heard people say that they try and continue as though nothing has happened when the other spouse leaves the home.

But the one thing that I tell parents is not to pretend that everything is ok or that the relationship break-up is not serious as it seems.

It is serious and this moment in time, the breakup of the family unit, will always be a watershed moment in your child’s life, no matter what the reasons for divorce are.  So it’s vital that your child is provided with a safe and secure environment in which he can have a voice and be heard.

In the meantime, you as the parent are left with not only coping with divorce and all the emotions that that brings up in you but you are also expected to continue being that good, attentive and caring parent while inside you feel anything but.

You begin to worry about the effects of divorce on children while dealing with the whole divorce process or divorce procedure.  You have divorce papers to complete and submit while trying to deal with issues around your child’s wellbeing and welfare.

And when you get something “wrong”, as divorced parents often do because after all we are still human, you sit and wonder if this “mistake” will be that long-term effect of divorce on children you so often hear about.

I say, don’t be afraid of making mistakes.  You can try but If you feel upset and weepy, it is ok to let your children know and to let them see you upset.

Yes it is.  Why?  Because then you are telling them that it is ok for them too to be upset.  It is ok to feel bad about what is going on and not only show it but also talk about it.

By seeing you cry one minute and then getting on with what you have to the next, sends them the message that it is possible to feel upset, really upset at times because it will pass and life goes on because emotions are normal and they can be handle.

What is not ok though is to talk to children about what your ex partner has done to you. Don’t, in a fit of anger, slag off their father or mother no matter what.  It is not fair on them at all because after all he is still their father or she is still their mother.  No matter what.

If you are concerned about your little ones, do contact me.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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How to End a Marriage?

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Joan bishop has been a family mediator for the past 15 years.

She herself is from a fractured family, a process she still recalls vividly to this day, when she had to give evidence at her parents divorce at the age of 13 years.  Thankfully children of divorce don’t need to be involved in this way anymore during the divorce process.

Previously Joan worked with in the field of adoption and fostering where she picked up a lot of the skills and techniques she uses today in family mediation specifically, the importance of a positive ending and new beginnings.

Joan holds an MSc in Mediation and Conflict Resolution from the Institute of Family Therapy, University of London.

The interviews below are so important for those in the midst of divorce or those wondering how to end a marriage as amicably as possible.

Joan talks about how to establish a new way of communicating from here on, especially where there are children of divorce concerned and parents are trying to create parenting plans that will work for them and their children.  She encourages couples to keep in mind that whatever happened is now in the past.  Moving on to a better life after divorce and creating a positive and conducive environment for children of divorce will indeed help in reducing any negative and long term effects of divorce of children.  One of the things that needs to be done to move on to new beginnings is we need to acknowledge the pain and difficulty that each person is feeling.

Coping with divorce or coping and dealing with divorce is made more manageable a process when people understand certain things about how they came to be where they are, that everyone holds their own version of the truth and that the pain experienced by the leaver and the left are indeed quite different.

Joan’s process of how to end a marriage is strutured and was created on Future Focused therapy and narrative mediation

During the mediation process, Joan provides the couples space to talk about things they really know about, which is about their relationship, they become settled and able to talk about things they feel they need to and this then decreases their anxiety.

Joan is head of mediation at www.familypartnermediation.com – 07765 886 552  – info@familypartnermediation.co.uk

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why forgive and forget

Why Forgive and Forget?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Ok.  If you’re reading this then chances are that you are angry with someone somewhere on this mother earth planet of ours more specifically, your ex.

And maybe it’s not just your ex, there could be his/her family and friends too.  I once knew a man who was not only angry with his ex but his children too.  So irate he was with them that he swore never to speak with them again!

Now take a couple of minutes and just ask yourself, now that I have this anger and resentment in me towards this person, what is it doing to me?  How am I gaining from it?

And even more importantly, how is it hurting that person right now or ever?  Do they care that I have not forgiven them, that I am burning with anger towards them?  Or are they expecting it?

Now take another couple of minutes and ask yourself – “If I were to forgive them what would happen?”  “How would I feel?”  “How would it affect them?”

Very often we think that if we forgive then  the “perpetrator” or the person that has caused you offence then he/she has gotten away with whatever it is that they did to you.

We have sooooo often heard, “I can forgive but I won’t forget.”  But those are just words strung together to make a kind of pretty sentence – they doesn’t mean much.

But the question is “do you have emotional closure?”

And when you do remember whatever it is that the person did to you, because you will, how do you feel?  Does anger still rise up in you?  Most likely.  If so, do you still think you have forgiven?

Right now, you are probably thinking that you are justified to hate that ex spouse or partner.  And you probably are – but for how long?

And who is the hate, anger and resentment affecting?  Does the other person lose ANY sleep knowing that you hate them and the you will not forgive them.  I don’t think so.  They most likely don’t care at all – to put it mildly.

Truth is hate, anger and resentment, change you. They change who you are.

They change your heart and your mind to such an extent that if you stepped out and looked at yourself from another angle, you might not recognise yourself or the person that you have become.

why forgive and forgetNow why would you think that hate, anger and resentment wouldn’t affect your physically let alone emotionally?

When you harbour anger, hatred and resentment, your body’s chemical balance is dramatically disrupted.  Your “flight or fight” responses stay aroused twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.  That means that hatred, anger and resentment are absolutely incompatible with your peace, joy and relaxation.” Dr Phil

Apart from these emotions affecting you physically, emotionally and mentally then keep in mind, if you can, that because you are full of these negative and toxic emotions, then your behaviour will be affected so anyone you meet from here on, meets the angry, resentful person.

You can mask it all as much as you please but it will still come through in your actions and words, however subtle.

Ok, if you don’t believe me, how can you really truly give what you don’t have?  If someone you really cared about came over to you and asked, “Gosh I need a holiday.  Would you book one full-paid for me please?”  Most likely not, not because you don’t want to necessarily but because you don’t have the money to do it.

So, do think about it.  Why forgive and forget? Because by doing so you give yourself a new path to follow when you let go off the resentment, anger and hate.  Stop holding yourself hostage to the past by starting to forgive.

It is easier to start forgiving what happens today than what happened yesterday or a few years ago.

If someone cuts in front of you at the lights or something, let it go.  Tell him or her to go have their accident elsewhere.

Start forgiving what happens today, this very moment and what happened yesterday will start falling away too.

Warm hugs,

Soila

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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I Left my Children and my Adulterous Life Behind

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Parental Alienation
Marie Abanga

Here’s an interview with the outspoken author Marie Abanga (My Unconventional Loves) where she speaks frankly about her marriage, adulteries and how she managed to leave her children behind as she escaped her marriage.

Marie, herself an adult child of divorce, has so far led a very atypical life.

Before getting married, Marie got involved with a  Catholic priest in training, a relationship that lasted 2 years.  Marie talks about how the priest kept talking about leaving the seminary to be with her but when she realised that this was never going to happen, she decided to end the relationship.  Unbeknown to her she was already pregnant by him.

With a son and no job and no home of her own, Marie realised that she needed to do something.  Home life was hard so Marie found a man to marry, proposed to him and were soon married.

But from the start that relationship too was marred by in-laws and others and before she knew it, the affairs began.  She became the adulterous woman.

“I left my children behind because I had to.”  She explains something that many find hard to understand or to accept.

And the story goes on all the way to her divorce and beyond.  Marie talks about choosing to leave her children behind.

Marie speaks frankly about her divorce and children and her journey and beyond and where she is today

Marie Abanga author of My Unconventional Loves: My Hurts, My Adulteries, My Redemption

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Effect of Divorce on Children: Don’t Let them Lose Sleep!

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effect of divorce on children
If they are feeling worried or insecure, they may have trouble getting to sleep or sleeping through the night.

After a divorce or separation, one important thing to consider is the impact on your family’s sleeping patterns.

Getting a divorce with children may involve numerous hours of lost sleep.

To mark National Bed Month 2015, we’re looking at how a relationship breakdown can affect sleep and what you can do to make sure you’re all getting enough.

Getting enough good quality sleep is essential for your mind and body, keeping your immune system healthy and your mind alert.  Sleeping well can be particularly important during difficult times as your mental resilience is stronger when you are well rested, and a recent study showed that people going through a divorce may be more susceptible to high blood pressure following sleep disruptions. (Krietsch, Mason, & Sbarra, 2014)

When a relationship breaks down, the changes in living arrangements can disrupt your sleeping environment in a number of ways. You may find yourself sleeping in a new bed, or adjusting to sleeping alone in a bed you used to share. You may also have a lot on your mind, with financial and practical arrangements to sort out, and changes to reflect upon. All of this can disrupt your sleeping patterns and may put your health at risk if the disruption is prolonged.

Sleep and the Effect of Divorce on Children

If you have children, they may also be experiencing anxiety and uncertainty about the recent change in circumstances.

effect of divorce on children
Ask if there’s anything you can do to help.

If they are feeling worried or insecure, they may have trouble getting to sleep or sleeping through the night.

Depending on where you are with your childcare arrangements and what decisions you have made, your children may be adjusting to living in a new place, or spending their time across two different homes. They may even just be missing the parent who has moved out.

If you are concerned about your child’s sleep, first check in and see if there’s anything you might be doing to contribute to the disruption. If you’ve been allowing older children to stay up later, or letting younger children sleep in your bed, then you may be contributing to the problem.

Remember that, whatever you are going through, you still want your children to have a consistent and healthy routine, so ask yourself what you can do to get things back on track.

Next, have a think about what else might be causing your child to miss out on sleep.

Talk with them about the changes that are going on and how they’ve been feeling. Ask if there’s anything you can do to help. It may be something as simple as picking a few treasured items to have in their bedroom that makes it feel more like home.

Having a Routine

One of the best things you can do is to set a consistent bedtime routine and stick with it.

This may be particularly challenging if your child is living across two homes. Even if communication between you and your ex-partner is difficult, remind them that you both want the best for your child, and make a plan to agree on a bedtime routine that you can both stick to.

effect of divorce on children
Keep duplicates of favourite items, toys, or music to keep in each bedroom.

You may want to keep duplicates of favourite items, toys, or music to keep in each bedroom. This can help avoid the risk of forgetting important things that your child relies on.

Establish a routine that fits your child’s age and needs, such as going to bed at a certain time to read and unwind, and having lights off an hour later.

Or, if your child is younger, the routine might be having a bath, getting into pyjamas and sharing a bedtime story before lights off. Whatever you decide, agree with your ex-partner that you will both do your best to stick to the routine so that your child has consistency.

Once the routine is established and things have settled down a bit, check in to see if your child is starting to sleep a bit better. There may be a period of adjustment, so be prepared to give it a bit of time. If sleep problems persist, or if you are still worried, you can talk to your GP or paediatrician who may be able to refer you to a specialist sleep counsellor or support group.

Looking after yourself

Once your child’s sleep patterns are re-established, you may find it a little easier to get your own rest. Remember it’s important to look after yourself too, and do yourself the favour of having your own routine.

Try to avoid looking at electronic screens late at night, as the bright light can trick your brain into thinking it needs to stay awake. If you can, start going to bed at the same time every night, giving yourself a bit of time to settle so that you can get a solid eight hours in before you need to wake up.

Getting enough sleep can help keep you healthy, and feeling more alert for dealing with the stress and anxiety that you may be going through as you adjust to your new circumstances.

If you are going through a situation similar you can obtain more resources and support on theparentconnection.org.uk

If you want more help agreeing on arrangements with your ex-partner, OnePlusOne’s online parenting plan and support service is available for free at www.splittingup-putkidsfirst.org.uk

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Absent Fathers Lost Sons

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Soila Sindiyo
Accredited Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

In my previous article, I wrote about divorced fathers and their children.

I put across some really important research that helps you know and understand just how vital your presence, as a father is, in your child’s life now and way into the future.

I am writing this new post after watching an episode of Dr Phil in which he is dealing with a family where dad is…not being very nice to put it extremely mildly.

Dad, in this episode seems to be completely oblivious to what the role of a father truly entails.

His behaviour, words and actions are absolutely destroying his children and the sad thing is he doesn’t seem to see it.  He just doesn’t seem to know or realise what he is doing to his children.

In this episode, Dr Phil has invited Dr Zimbardo, a well known and very, very experienced psychologist and author of The Demise of Guys, onto the show and after listening and watching for a while this is what Dr Zimbardo had to say about our young men and boys following his research findings.

Very scary…

“One of the things we have discovered is that boys are failing. Boys are really dropping out of life. They are failing academically, socially and when they get to be men, they are failing sexually. And we have identified some of the reasons, some of the culprits:

  •  It’s excessive isolation of playing of video games. They become addictive.
  • It’s excessive isolation watching pornography online which is addictive 
  • The absence of fathers.
absent fathers
40 – 50% of all boys in America are growing up without a father

40 – 50% of all boys in America are growing up without a father, from divorce, from separation, from father’s being absent and boys need fathers more than girls need fathers. Girls get what they would need from mothers.

Boys need guidance, they need boundaries, they need motivation, they need role models…

To have an abusive father is worse than having no father.

To make somebody feel that he is worthless, to undercut his sense of mastery, of course he’s going to fail. You never, every undercut their sense of self-esteem…because what you’re doing is destructive. You are harming them psychologically and even physically.”

So if you make up part of the absent fathers statistics or an abusive one then know what it is that you are doing to your children.  You’re not just hurting them now, in this present moment, you are harming for them for life.  You are changing who they are and getting them to be who they shouldn’t be.

You can change that.  It’s never too late to repair the damage caused.  Start with the small things.  Become aware of how destructive your words and actions are and don’t feel too big to apologise and make it right.

Admitting that you didn’t do the right thing by your child or children is one of the first and most important steps you can take in this healing journey.

You, as the father may have had an abusive relationship with your own father or grew up as one of the many children who live experienced absent fathers lives.

You may have been a victim of hurtful and soul destroying words and actions and it’s true what they say, you cannot give what you don’t have.  But once you know that this had been your own journey, is it not time to fix it?

As Dr Phil puts it in the show:

“We have an old saying in Texas that sometimes you have to rise above your raising.

You maybe raised by people that aren’t doing a very good job but there’s a point in which you’ve got to rise above your raising. You’ve got to say, “you know what, that’s just something I’ve got to do.” That’s just something I’ve got to do on my own.

Sometimes, the sad fact is that we have to give ourselves what we wish we could get from somebody else.

And you may have assumed some kind of a role and you can sit around and say, “Well the guy that could have picked and lifted me up didn’t,” and I’m sorry that that’s your experience of him. But you are firstly approaching adulthood and you’ve got to give yourself permission to believe in who you are because the more you know who you are, the less vulnerable you are to what other people tell you who you are.”

So yes, know, accept and realise that that has been your journey into manhood.  Rise above it and get to know you who you are, who you truly are.

Do you?

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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How to Get Divorced – Where to get Divorce Papers?

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Which divorce forms and where to get divorce papers from?

We have so far looked at the importance of getting the financial order or financial agreement in place, how to get divorced and now we look at where to get divorce papers from.

The divorce forms are different for each basis or case and you can download the necessary divorce papers from here https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

What if we have nothing to “fight” about financially, we still need a financial order or a clean break order? Yes you do.

How long does the divorce process take? About 5 – 6 months if all is well.

What is the form E? Horrible form that’s a bit like an income tax form! It’s a form you have to complete in relation to financial proceedings. So if you’re going through financial proceedings relating to your divorce or ending of your civil partnership you have to provide full details in relations to your personal and financial circumstances and to provide lots of supporting financial documents that go with it.

Form E is completed during the family mediation process during the financial disclosure stage. At the end of the day, what the court will need is a summary of this information, i.e. each person’s full financial standing and this is required on what is called a D81 otherwise known as a Statement of information for a Financial Consent Remedy Order!

Completing this particular divorce form is crucial as it allows the divorce judge to look at the proposed order against that form and decide whether that order should be approved or not.

Without that background information he or she cannot make any decisions as to whether that financial order or financial agreement is correct.

Sometimes you won’t get your decree absolute until your finances have been sorted because by having your decree absolute you’re no longer husband and wife. This means that if there are pensions involved it’s important that until all of the finances have been resolved that you don’t have your decree absolute. So don’t rush into headlong finalising your divorce until you have sorted out your finances.

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

www.independentlegalservices.info

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How to Get Divorced – The Divorce Papers

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Following on from Caroline Saunders’ previous interview on the importance of getting a financial order in place, this interview focuses on the necessary divorce papers that you will need as you go about filing for divorce.

Caroline Saunders is a  Family lawyer and keen supporter of family mediation.  She is the founder of Independent Legal Services  where she helps couples complete their divorce papers and drafting the all important financial order agreement.

Couples can do their own divorce but after down loading the divorce forms online and do the actual divorce part Caroline will check them and most importantly will also draft their financial order which she does from Memorandum of Understanding that their family mediator will have prepared.

This document, the Memorandum of Understanding, sets out the background to their case and the details of the agreement that they have reached.


Caroline also drafts another very important document which is a financial document which is a summary of their financial and personal circumstances. Both documents are required by the court.

The making of the financial order is not a rubber stamping operation. It goes before a judge whose role is to be a judge and not just to stamp documents. This means that he or she will check through the draft of the financial order against the financial summary and personal summary to see whether in his or her opinion, that order is practical, workable and most importantly fair.

If the agreement seems unfair and/or the judge has some questions, the judge will contact the couple so that they can clarify any issues but should the agreement be clearly unworkable it will be rejected.

What are the grounds for divorce or the reasons for divorce? There’s only one which is that the marriage has irretrievably broken down but you have to substantiate that on the basis of one of the following further five reasons for divorce:

 

  1. Unreasonable behaviour
  2. Sexual relationship with someone else
  3. Lived apart for the period of two years and the other party consents
  4. Lived apart for a period of two years because the other party has left the marriage
  5. You’ve lived apart for 5 years

 

The divorce forms are different for each basis or case and you can download the necessary divorce papers from here https://www.gov.uk/divorce/overview

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

 

 

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How to File for Divorce: The Financial Order

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What is a financial order? It’s part of the divorce procedure. A financial order or a clean break order as it’s otherwise known, regulates such aspects of the financial agreement as spousal maintenance or alimony, payment for a capital sum or a lump sum, provide for a sale of a property or a transfer of a property and also a pension sharing order.

Caroline Saunders is the founder of Independent Legal Services which compliments family mediation. She takes the mystery out of the divorce process by helping you complete your divorce papers and make them legally binding.

When you have successfully gone through family mediation and you have a settlement agreement on all matters relating to finances, Caroline is there to help you formalise that agreement.

Unless you have a clean break order or financial consent order no matter how long you’ve been divorced, as seen in the Wyatt and Vince case, one or other of the parties can come back and ask to apply for a financial order.

Ideally when you go through your divorce process or end your civil partnership, as part of the settlement agreement you should have a financial order that deals with every aspect of the financial side of your marriage.

What happened to one of Caroline’s clients when they didn’t finalise their financial agreement? What happens when there is no court order?

A lot of couples assume that once there is a divorce that’s it but it’s is only the ending of the marriage it’s not the ending of the financial relationship between them.

How important is it to have your financial agreement. You must, must have that put into a court order.

 Independent Legal Services does this. When you have a couple that have reached agreement in relation to a divorce or civil partnership, I’m there effectively to help with all the form filling but most importantly to draft the financial order.

The financial order is what gives you a proper clean break.

If you reach an agreement together, you still will need somebody with specialised family law knowledge, preferably a family lawyer, to look at that agreement and say if it ‘s going to work in practice.

Caroline is a seasoned family lawyer and a member of Resolution which follows a strict code of practice and code of conduct so as to promote amicable and conciliatory divorce.  You can contact Caroline on:

cs.independentlegalservices@gmail.com

Phone: 07518178977

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What is Kindness ? The Magic of Kindness

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Domestic Violence Grounds for Divorce
Domestic Abuse – Ending the Paralysis of Shame

When divorce happens, we go through a myriad of emotions and thoughts.  One of the most common thoughts is the one to do with failure.

Anna Pinkerton author of How to Smile Again – a fabulous new book on helping people in public life recover from traumatic break down and founder of  The Magic of Kindness – Challenging brutality of thought & action, talks about the real meaning of kindness to ourselves and how that then permeates the rest of society.

How by starting with our deep thoughts and noticing our train of thoughts, we can then be able to show that same kindness that we cultivate within us to those around us.

Anna is also a clinician art psychotherapist working with people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

What is The Magic of Kindness or the meaning of kindness?

It’s about cultivating an atmosphere of consideration, care and companionship.

Without cultivating a kindness towards ourselves we cannot truly afford kindness towards others.

With The Magic of Kindness, we learn to build a relationship with ourselves by being gentle with our thoughts, our thought processes and our actions.

By doing this and being aware of our sad thoughts, our negative thoughts and deep thoughts for example, we don’t then breathe within us the need to be unkind to others or to elevate ourselves by diminishing and reducing those around us.

So by creating an atmosphere for ourselves that’s more kind and supportive, we produce it for others as well. So acts of kindness cannot truly have their power without there being the process of kindness of thought first.

What is kindness of thought?

You need to become aware of your own brutality of thought and where that brutality of thought comes from?

Kindness of thought is when you accept that you do have thoughts that are not conducive to your own wellbeing. Those “random” thoughts that affect the way we then treat ourselves and hence those around us.

When you become aware of those negative thoughts then you accept that we have had it and not beat ourselves up for having them.

You can change that train of thought by just noticing that that’s what you’ve done, that you have had a brutal thought towards yourself. Notice it without judgement. Then know how to give it up.

Anna Pinkerton talks about her Magic of Kindness workshop. How it came about and why it’s one of the most important journey’s anyone can go through today.

Here’s the interview.  Enjoy and do contact Anna on anna@annapinkerton.com Phone: 07899 688845.

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Co-parenting and Life after Divorce

Co-parenting and Life after Divorce – It’s Really not about you

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Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

There are so many stories from adult children of divorce who remember their parents’ divorce like it was yesterday.

Some talk about being let down over and over again by their fathers who would fail to turn up for scheduled visits.

Others will tell you about how their mothers brainwashed them into hating their other parent to the point where the false beliefs they held not only affected their spent time with their father but also took years to dispel.

You will find situations where the child’s life after divorce is indeed no better than when he lived with combative parents, the only difference now, is that she can sleep knowing that there will be no shouting matches to wake up to.  But every exchange time is almost a guarantee that an argument will erupt.

This then means that although your child is looking forward to seeing the other parent, the experience that precedes this union, is fraught with anxiety, fear and dread, emotions that can take a toll on your child over a period of time if persistently experienced.

It’s great when parents create a parenting plan that works for them and their little ones.  But, unfortunately, there are so many parents who believe that the creation of such a plan is enough to provide a secure and comfortable life for their children.

I wish it was but it isn’t enough.  The co-parenting plan is certainly a first step but in order for this to work successfully you have to continuously keep in mind that this plan is, first and foremost, for your child’s welfare and wellbeing.  It’s not about you.

All co-parenting arrangements are or should be about your children.

Co-parenting after divorce or separation needn’t be hell. No. It may not be easy but it needn’t be so.

If for one second you imagine the scenario from your child’s perspective, just take a moment and imagine what he is seeing and hearing, then you will learn just how terribly upsetting it is to hear the exchange of words, the doors slamming, the shouting, the name-calling etc.

co parenting
Just keep your child in mind no matter what.

If you, as the parent and adult, find yourself getting angry and emotional think what it might be doing to your child; same emotion, little body that doesn’t even have the maturity of managing difficult feelings and thoughts.

Children of divorced parents already have plenty to cope with, plenty to adjust to and at times plenty of emotions without the added anxiety gifted by their parents.

You are supposed to take that anxiety and fear away.  Not add to it.

You are supposed to help reconstruct the world for her. Not continue to disassemble it.

Co-parenting is such a wonderful thing. It is the best thing you can do for all children of divorce.  It’s shouldn’t be about point scoring. You can do that in other ways, in your own time and making yourself miserable if you must, without using your child as ammunition or holding him hostage.

When you arrive late to pick your daughter up or not turn up at all, what do you imagine she feels?  Surely she must feel something.  What do you think that is? If this happens over and over again, what do you imagine is going on for her?  What feelings or messages is she getting about how you feel about her?  Who do you imagine is hurting?  Why would you want to put her through that?  What’s so important that you decided not to turn up…again?  You?

When you take your son back at 8 o’clock on Sunday evening without having had any dinner and in dirty clothes, what do you think is going on in his mind?  He has been here before.

He knows mum is going to get angry and dad defensive.  Why? Because it’s Sunday evening, he has school tomorrow, but he will be going to bed at 9 or later after he has had a shower and dinner, preparation that you could have done for your child’s sake before taking him back home to start the week.

You’re child is not your priority at that time, you are.

Keep in mind that there is a physical reaction to every emotion and in a situation such as this, the physical reaction is not a positive one and you are the cause.

Joint custody can be hard. It can be extremely challenging especially where you are unfortunate enough to be co-parenting with a narcissist.

What I say to this is do your bit. Play your role as the supportive parent that you want to be. Have a support system where you can take your emotions, thoughts, anxieties and fears.

Just keep your child in mind no matter what. Create your own parenting plan that works for your family. Your child really has no one else.

Your marriage might be over yes, but your family isn’t. It has transformed, changed and it’s time to adjust to that and play along nicely.

About Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and Parenting Lives

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and the creator of the 4.6 rated online course Parenting after Separation

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

 

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Can you be Friends with Your Ex?

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Nevine Bentley of Facilitate Family Mediation
Nevine Bentley of Facilitate Family Mediation

In this two part interview, I speak with Nevine Bentley of  Facilitate Family Mediation in Farnham, Surrey about life after divorce and if you can be friends with an ex.

What is great about this interview is that Nevine who used to practice as a family lawyer speaks frankly and candidly about her divorce journey.  She shares her divorce story with us from start to life after divorce.

She and her ex-husband are now good friends but it wasn’t always that way and she admits that it was mainly due to her resentment and anger driven behaviour. Coping with divorce as a single parent wasn’t easy at all, something that most of us can indeed relate to.

Nevine and Roy were married for 22 years when the marriage ended but although it was her choice to leave, it took her 10 years to eventually gather her guts and courage to say it.  It was an extremely difficult time and had to have professional help just for her to bring herself to tell Roy it was over.

Once this was done, she then had to face her friends and family with the news.  Some reactions were indeed as expected but some not so and these unforeseen reactions came from the most unlikely source.

How and why did a 22 year marriage fall apart?  What were the reasons for divorce?

In part 2 of the video, Nevine talks about how she coped during those 10 years of waiting to leave and why she waited so long.  She also talks about how friends can be helped to cope and how they in turn can help you in coping with divorce.

There are two experiences that most divorced people experience.  The first is the social side of going out on your own as a newly single person.

Some of the comments that Nevine got both from male and female friends are indeed hilarious.

The other side of the experience is the whole stigma of divorce and how it plays a role in your social circle as well as personal life.

What has now become my favourite divorce quote is something Nevine says in part two of “Can you be Friends with your Ex?”:

“Even if I really didn’t like the way he behaved with me as my husband or he wasn’t the perfect choice for me anymore, it didn’t mean he wasn’t the perfect choice for the kids because for them he’s their only dad, he was their hero. They didn’t care whether he forgot their school shoes at his house or whatever, they just knew that they love dad.”

Nevine’s divorce story on coping with divorce and dealing with life after divorce is real, honest and straightforward.

Here are the interview videos on “Can you be Friends with your EX?”

So, can you be friends with your ex or are you friends with your ex?

Do you think being friends with your ex is possible or even a good thing?

Nevine is a Resolution trained family mediator and runs her own dedicated mediation practice in Farnham. Nevine brings both this training and a background in law to give fair and balanced assistance to both partners in all aspects of divorce and separation including arrangements for children and finances.

Nevine is able to sensitively bring down barriers and encourage effective communication between separating couples and navigate them to explore options to find mutually acceptable solutions to the issues which remain unresolved between them.

 Nevine is qualified to undertake Mediation Information Assessment Meetings (MIAMs)

 Nevine is able to offer out of hours appointments seven days a week. She is a member of Resolution and The Family Mediation Council and The Collaborative Family Law Group (http://collaborativelawgroup.co.uk/content/group)

 

 

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