Dr Soila Sindiyo

separation advice

Separation Advice from Gingerbread

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Separation Advice
Rebekah Barry
Information Manager at Gingerbread

As January typically sees a rise in couples taking the difficult decision to end their relationship,here is some vital separation advice from Gingerbread.

It can be a tough time and it brings a lot of change, especially when you have children.

With decisions to make and lots to organise it can be hard to work out what you need to do and when.

However, there are some things that should be a priority.

Housing

One of the most pressing practical issues is working out where you and your children are going to live.  This is always a tough decision to make and may indeed be the biggest change in your lives.

You maybe able to remain in your current home but if you cannot do this and need to leave and find somewhere else, our factsheet on “Housing Options for Single Parents” explains what’s possible depending on your circumstances, whether it’s social housing or getting support with the rent.

Deciding on arrangements for your children when it comes to your ex-partner is a vital part of the process, our factsheet Making Arrangements for your Children can help you sort out where your children will live, and when they spend time with each parent.

Your finances

How you’ll cope financially is usually one of the biggest worries after a separation, and thinking about how you’ll manage on your own can be daunting. For most single parents financial support is available, so make sure you get all the help you can for you and your family.

separation advice
Working out where you and your children are going to live

If you weren’t entitled to tax credits before, you may be now. You can use the Turn2us online benefit calculator to check what benefits and tax credits you’re entitled to, and you’ll need to let the tax credits helpline know that you’ve separated. You need to do this within a month. If your household income has gone down it’s likely that you’ll be entitled to more tax credits, so the sooner you let them know, the better.

You’ll also need to let the child benefit office know that you’ve separated – you can report this online through the gov.uk website.

Remember if you’re now the only adult in the household, let your local council know. You should get a discount on your council tax, and you might be eligible for a council tax reduction – contact your local council to find out.

If you’re renting, the council can also check whether you’re entitled to housing benefit to help towards your rent.

Do think about arranging child maintenance with your child’s other parent. All parents have a legal responsibility to support their child financially and it can make a real difference. 

Getting support for yourself and your children

It’s not all about the practicalities; separation is of course a time of huge emotional upheaval for you and your children.

You’re not alone. There is lots of support out there if you need it.

You might want to share your experiences and get support from friends or other single parents who have been through the same situation. Joining a support group can be helpful. 

There are organisations that can support you and give you practical suggestions on looking after yourself and coping with any emotional difficulties following a separation. Relate offers a wide range of online support, including a parent’s guide to separation. They also offer counselling services for both adults and children.

Deciding to separate is never an easy decision, but taking care of the practicalities, working out your next steps and knowing where you can turn for help if you need it can make things much easier.

 

Rebekah has been part of Gingerbread’s advice and information team for five years. She now specialises in creating Gingerbread’s online advice for single parents on anything from child maintenance to heading back to work.

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Vital Living Together Advice

Vital Living Together Advice

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Suzy Miller of Alternative Divorce Guide

“Well it’s the same as being married” was a phrase I heard over and over again but which eventually proved to be a lie.  

For ten years, my husband and I lived with our three children as an unmarried couple and when the relationship abruptly ended I quickly learned all that was wrong with that simple phrase.

You can believe, think and tell yourself that while you are together, but don’t be foolish enough to think it’s the same when you are splitting up.

Will you get some of his pension? – Nope. You are not eligible for any of it.

My career was put aside to look after the kids so now he has a pension. I have none. The pension that was going to support both of us became just his. But, had we been married, I would have had claim to half of it, as it stands today, I get nothing. And it’s hard to create a secure pension from scratch at 40 with no job and three small children to look after.

Surely half the house goes to me. Not if your name is not on the deeds.  

You may be able to go on living in the “matrimonial” home if you have dependent children but probably only until they reach the age of 16 years at which point you yourself becomes homeless, with no property, unless you’ve been able to save up for one whilst bringing up the kids.

Vital Living Together Advice
Surely half the house goes to me.

In my case, I couldn’t continue living in the home with the children as it had to be sold to cover the debts I didn’t know he had amassed.

My name was not on the deeds despite the fact that I had financially contributed to the running of the household whilst he paid the mortgage.

There was one positive thing about not being legally married  I wasn’t liable for his debts – one benefit at least.

Don’t count on spousal maintenance either because you are not a spouse.

Thank god for Working Family Tax Credit to top up your income and help cover childcare costs when you get a part-time job It is true that a percentage of his gross salary (minus his pension payments) will be provided but only as a contribution for the children’s needs – child support.   You yourself get nothing.  No spousal maintenance. That new pair of shoes that you need,  you need to go out and earn it.

‘Common Law Marriage’ is a myth.

51% of the British population still think that common law marriage exists in law, according to a British Social Attitudes survey!  Those surveyed believe that cohabiting couples are protected by ‘common law marriage’.  But that is not the case I’m afraid.

“There is no such thing as a Common Law wife and cohabiting couples can be extremely vulnerable on separation because many people cohabit without realising the legal implications.” Kim Beatson, Anthony Gold Solicitors

So what can you do if you’re not married and financially dependent on your partner, with children to care for?

Well, there are now plenty of married of couples who thought it was too unromantic to get a prenup, are later on seeing the light and getting themselves a postnup.

If you’re living together and not planning on getting married anytime soon, you can create a Cohabitation Agreement at any point. It may not have the full strength under the pressure of litigation as a marriage license, but should the need arise and it’s put to the test, it will be taken seriously by any reasonable judge.

But the whole point is that you shouldn’t have to end up fighting about who gets what if the relationship ends, or how much is needed to bring up your family, because you have already sat down and worked it all out in advance.

Suzy Miller

Alternative Divorce Guide

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coping with divorce
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Coping with Divorce from the Start

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

So divorce has come knocking at your door and has finally come in.

If you’re certain that this is what you want then read on.  Coping with divorce from the start can help reduce much of the pain, hurt and stress that comes with dealing with divorce and the whole divorce process.

There are fights and arguments so terrible that you feel like you will never forgive this person.

You cannot believer the words that are coming out of his mouth and you cannot believe that she could be so vulgar and nasty!

There are financial issues so huge that you believe you will never overcome them.

Your level of mistrust is high, and for probably for good reason, so you need to be vigilant and aware that right now, it’s every man for himself.  You don’t want to be cheated off anything that is rightfully yours and neither does your partner.

That’s what divorce is about – but it doesn’t have to remain that way from here onwards.

You will need to start putting some things into place to make sure that this divorce doesn’t totally overwhelm you and your children.

As Maya Angelou put it:

Nothing works unless you do.

So here are some tips to help you through this time and beyond.  Just keep them in mind as you go:

  • The divorce is not you. Avoid looking at the divorce as part of you. Instead look at it as something that is happening outside of you. Don’t attach yourself to it despite all the emotions and pain. Look at it from the outside in.
  • Your partner’s determination to hurt you is part of the process, unfortunately so don’t take it personally. People fight back when “attacked.” You are fighting back too. If you can learn to accept that your partner is reacting in a way that is normal given the circumstances then you learn how not to take it personally which in turn helps with dealing with the journey with less hurt and malice and do so instead in a more practical way.
  • Moving on from Divorce
    Shelley Whitehead – one of the best divorce coaches I know.

    Accept what is going on. It is happening and there is no turning back. This helps deal with the whole thing more objectively and practically. It is what it is.

  • Accept and acknowledge that you too played a role in the break-up of your marriage. You absolutely need to accept this because if you don’t then you will very, very likely repeat the same mistakes that you in the your next relationship and the next and the next.  There’s power in being self-aware.
  • Always, always, always make sure that the children are as all right as possible. If you’re finding it hard to cope then get someone to help you along the way; a friend, relative or a good and reputable divorce coach like the wonderful Shelley Whitehead.
  • You have to decide to get better. You need to have that determination that you will get over this without believing that “getting over this” equates jumping into the next relationship as fast and as quick as possible. Get over this while single, work on yourself, know and understand why this marriage ended and how you helped it get there.
  • Don’t go out there like a warrior.  If you’re hurting, hurt away.  If you want to cry and lock yourself in a world where no one else can enter – apart from the children – then do so.  Feel those emotions, go through them as much as you need but don’t stay with them for the rest of your life. Deal, feel and move on.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Getting A Divorce? Then Prepare Yourself for the Ride.

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

If you and your partner have very recently decided to go your separate ways, the one thing I can tell you right now is that you will be all right. It may not seem like it but you will.

Having been through the process twice, I know that these next few weeks or months will be very likely shrouded in anger and hurt and accompanied by a seemingly bottomless bucket of resentment.

When getting a divorce, you will discover a side of you that you didn’t know existed such as your ability to be creative in how many ways you can hurt your ex emotionally and mentally and feel nothing.

If you’re not the one who initiated the divorce, you will find yourself a couple of steps behind your soon-to-be-ex-spouse in terms of accepting that the relationship is indeed over which will in turn hurt you or confuse you even more as you wonder, how come they are managing so well.

Well, the reason for that is that they have already done the processing while still married to you. There was a time they were where you are now.

You will do certain things believing deeply that they are in the best interest of the children like telling them that it’s really your partner’s fault that the family is breaking up and you would never do that to them.

You will discover what it means to have very long sleepless nights night after night, week after week, only to wake in the morning feeling not only exhausted but also even more determined to get your ex.

If you’re going through solicitors, you will at some point, confuse them for a therapist and pour your heart out to them not caring that you’re then, at that moment, paying them for a service they are not qualified to handle.

getting a divorce
Friends will fall away

If you have lived for months in denial that this day will come, accepting that it’s here, that it is what it is, feels impossible to do. You go through moments of thinking, “I’m sure I can rescue this,” only to realise that you can’t which immediately makes you jump back on the ever rotating wheel of very powerful negative emotions.

When it comes to the children, you swear that you will get full custody of them because suddenly, in the space of what seems like 24 hours, your soon-to-be ex has become the most incompetent parent you have ever seen! Even when someone explains to you that there is no such thing as full custody in the UK, you believe deeply that that is not fair and you will change the law if need be to “protect your children.”

When it comes to friends and relatives, you prefer to consult with the ones who will not only listen attentively to everything you say, but that they also back you up so much that they don’t realise that they are only fanning the flames of your anger, hurt and resentment. Who wants to speak with the objective, sensible ones?

This is war and you don’t have the time to be either logical, practical nor fair because as far as you’re concerned at this time, those are all characteristics of a loser.

Also watch how friends will fall away especially the ones whom you believed would be there for you. When this happens, don’t worry too much about it, you will deal with it later on down the line, for now, just know that they would have fallen away anyway at a later date in time divorce or not.

You’re probably beginning to think about all the meaningless sex you’re going to have with everyone and everybody because you haven’t had it for such a long time.

You begin to hope that the guy who works on second floor will finally ask you out because now you can say yes, skip dinner, coffee and straight to his.  Or you start planning how you will finally get to tell Susanna in Planning Department how much you’re hurting in the hope that she will take you home and look after you.

If you have recently decided to separate, you will be going through this and a whole other lot of emotions including fear, shock and a whole lot of loss of actual memory, which is quickly replaced by a whole lot of selective memory.

The next few weeks, months or even couple of years will not be easy but I promise you that you will get through this tunnel.

Divorce, unfortunately for some of us, is truly part of our life’s journey. You’re going through it now but it doesn’t need to define who you are just like being laid off work, which also brings on fear, shock and a sense of loss, doesn’t define who you are for the rest of your life.

You will find love again.

You will laugh again.

Your children will be fine again.

And your life will go on again.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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should I get divorced
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Should I get Divorced?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Should I get divorced?

For those of us who are divorced, it’s very likely that that question escaped your lips at some point or other.

Having been divorced twice and founding The Divorce Magazine, it is not unusual for people to ask me if they should remain in their current relationships or if they should leave and file for a divorce.

My answer is usually the same – it’s not a decision that I nor anyone else can make for you.

Having said this, I believe that you should do everything you can to try and make your marriage or relationship work.  Don’t leave any stone unturned, especially if you have children.

Thinking of couple therapy as a means to reconcile is one way of looking at it but in reality it can work both ways.  It can serve to help you and your partner work things through but it can also help you and/or your partner realise that leaving is what you really want and prepare you for this process.

So, please, before you file for divorce, here are some things that you may want to ask yourself or to consider:

  • Are you leaving due to anger and hurt?  If you are then you still have unfinished emotional issues that you will need to work through.  We very, very rarely think things through rationally when we are angry and hurt.  How can you deal with these feelings right now?  Simply by providing yourself with adequate and objective support – surround yourself with someone or people whom you can trust to keep you in mind and not play a part in fanning the flames of your anger.

One lady I know, whose husband cheated on her is still carrying the feelings of anger and betrayal 6/7 years later.  This then means that she makes it next to impossible for him to spend time with their son hence playing a role, inadvertently perhaps, of disrupting and interrupting a very dear part of her child’s life.

  • Do you still love your partner?  If so, then is this really the way you want to go right now?  Have you looked at all the options available to help you work things through?  In my work with children and families of divorce, I have come across couples who after a period of separation, have come to the realisation that they want to remain together. Have you considered this option?  What about couple’s therapy.
  • Are you unsure that this is the right way to go – do you have any doubts?  It has often been said that any doubt means
    Should I get a divorce
    Do you have any doubts

    no. Sometimes stepping back and looking at your marriage or relationship from a different perspective may help. Remember what your marriage was like when it worked?  Is what you are leaving over, worth the permanent breakup of your marriage or relationship?  What role are you or have you played in getting your relationship to where it is now? What “complaints” does your partner make about you?  Are they in any way legitimate?  Where are the origins of your doubt?

  • Are you ready to create a new way of life for you and your children?  Divorce and separation means that you no longer live with your partner.  Are you ready to get into a co-parenting relationship where your children share their time between two households in a way that will be conducive to your children’s wellbeing and development?
  • How would you feel when, not if,  your partner starts a new relationship?  Would you be ok with it or would you want to murder both of them preferably at the same time?  What would it mean for you to have your child be part of another person’s life?

A very dear friend of mine, who initiated their divorce once found herself literally hiding behind a bush, watching as her ex-husband, their son and new partner were having a picnic one summer.  It wasn’t that she wanted him back, it was that her son, her only child, was now part of another family unit.

Divorce can be hard.  So before you go down that route make sure you know all that you need to know.  Do your research, know all that you need to know.  Plan and prepare yourself legally for the divorce and for the tough emotional, mental and physical exhaustion that accompanies this process.

Don’t do it unless your sure.  Are you sure this is the way to go for you?  Only you can answer that question.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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parenting after divorce

Parenting after Divorce with children

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Parenting after divorce divorce with children
Making childcare arrangements was particularly hard

Making the leap from being married or in a committed relationship to life as a single parent takes a lot of bravery. Getting a divorce with children involved in the equation is certainly not an easy step, but one that needs to be taken for the wellbeing of both parents and children. This is what Barb decided to do after 14 years married to the father of her child.

After a long period of unhappiness in her relationship, North London-based mother of one Barb summoned up the courage to separate from her husband.

‘The decision to split was made in March 2011 and we were officially separated by June,’ says Barb. Shortly after they sold the family home and it was at this point that Barbara broke the news to her son, then aged 13.

‘I was the one who told my son, his father was in the room as well but he didn’t speak,’ Barb recalls. ‘Our son knew that his dad and I’s relationship wasn’t brilliant, he knew it was going to happen. There was a big build up.

‘I told him that the house had been sold and we would be moving. Shortly after, my son and I moved into rented accommodation.’

Once the dust had settled, Barb and her ex-husband still found it difficult to get along. ‘There is still friction between me and him.’

Making childcare arrangements was particularly hard as Barb’s ex-husband would only go through their son to make plans. ‘He would only text my son to make arrangements, but certain things needed to be discussed between us – the parents – first.

‘I felt like he was putting too much responsibility on our son. I don’t agree with this way of doing things as it puts a strain on communication.’

Money was another big issue for Barb: ‘I had to fight for £5 a week for child maintenance. Occasionally he would contribute towards school uniform but as time went on he got worse and worse.’

Face-to-face mediation sessions seemed like a great opportunity to iron-out the childcare issues, but as Barb points out, getting her ex-husband to agree to a session is easier said than done: ‘He doesn’t like the thought of any kind of authority being involved. He thinks he can sort out everything himself.’

When visiting The Parent Connection, Barb found that all the issues she was facing as a separated parent were covered in the articles section: ‘I found articles on housing issues and meeting new partners, which were all appropriate for me,’ says Barb. ‘But the how to manage disagreements article was the most helpful, given my situation with my ex.’

If you are going through a situation similar to Barb’s, you can obtain more resources and support on theParentConnection.org.uk

By Calum Ross, editor, theParentConnection.org.uk

The Parent Connection is a free information & advice service for separated parents, run by relationship support charity. In addition, The Parent Connection offers two free online programmes: Getting It Right For Children and Splitting Up? Put Kids First which help parents to deal with conflict without putting the children in the middle and create an online co-parenting plan.

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Tips on Co-parenting over Christmas – Part 1

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

If you are reading this, then chances are that this is your first Christmas as a divorced or separated parent and co-parenting, as it stands can be quite tricky at the best of times.

Here are some tips that will help in co-parenting over Christmas:

  • Make the arrangements together, i.e. you and your ex, whenever possible. Whatever plans you have for your little ones, let the other person know.  It makes it easier, not only you, but more importantly for the children because they will know what is happening when, where and how.  This gives them a sense of security.
  • You both can have a celebration with your children during the time that they are with you.  What do I mean by this?  Well, if the children are with you on Christmas day for example, it’s easy for you to do all the Christmasy stuff that you usually do or create your your own Christmas rituals if need be.  If, on the other hand, you are the parent who isn’t with the children on the 25th, then you can still do the Christmasy things.  I don’t think there are any Christmas police out there…yet:-)
  • Do respect the time that your ex has with the children.  That is their time and you will have  your time. Don’t call them every 5 minutes to make sure that all is well or ask how the children are doing as this may just cause a lot of unnecessary  frustration and bother for you both.
  • This is really not the time to introduce your new partner.  Holidays are usually emotional anyway, divorce increases that emotions then to add a new partner to the mix might work for you but not for your children.  Do chose another time.
  • Realise that they will miss the other parent and might actually be concerned about the parent “left behind”.  You might find that your children want to call mummy/daddy over the holidays for whatever reason and it’s good to realise that it’s not about you, but about them and their emotions.  Let them call.

Holidays are here to stay and so is your divorce – understand that, accept that and allow your children to have fun, relax and enjoy.

Warm hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce

Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce

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Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

For children of divorce coping with divorce can be a long, long journey in terms of accepting the new family situation.

It is really very common that children try and bring the parents back together after a divorce or separation especially for those aged under 10 years.

It is their way of repairing their world and bringing it back to the way they knew it – familiarity brings on security.

They can be very creative in ways of doing this.  They can, for example, create situations where the parents end up spending extra time together.

I know a child who would send lovely text messages from the dad’s phone to mum’s and she was only 7 at the time while  another  would tell mummy that daddy said he loves her.

For others where a new partner comes into the picture, especially very soon after the break-up, separation or divorce, they can spend a lot of time attempting to sabotage the new relationship sometimes with success.

This is very normal but can be heartbreaking for the parents and the question I have often been asked is how to deal with this.

First of all, don’t panic.  It really is very common.

Thing is this “phase”  can last for a while and unless addressed it can cause a lot of long lasting pain and stress within the family.  The need and wish to bring the parents back together doesn’t happen one day and then they are done – it can be a sustained effort.

But here’s how you can deal with it:

  • Don’t  give them false hope that you might come back together even where this is your wish too.  I knew of a man who
    Children of Divorce Coping with Divorce
    It is really very common that children try and bring the parents back together.

    would “empathise” with his son and say things like, “I know, me too, I would like mummy and I to get back together and maybe one day it will happen.  Let’s just see how mummy gets on.”  This not only made him think that there is a possibility that the reunion will happen but also makes mummy look like the villain who is breaking and keeping the family apart.

  • Acknowledge their efforts to bringing you two back together.  When you see and realise that this is what is happening just mention it to them by saying something like, “Sweetie, I can see that you really want daddy/mummy and I to get back together.  It must be hard for you and I know that because I can see how much you are trying to bring us back together.  I promise you, it will be ok.  Mummy/daddy and I will not be getting back together but I can promise you that we still love you dearly. None of that has or will ever change.“
  • Acknowledge their need and wish to see you two back together.  If your are from “broken” home then just share with your child how you felt and that you too wished it never happened.  Let them know that you too wanted your mum and dad to get back together as much he/she wants that for you and your ex-spouse.
  • Acknowledge that their world has changed and you are sorry about this – it was never part of the plan but sometimes things happen that we didn’t plan and we need to keep moving on.  Again do let them know that you love them and add that it is not their fault in anyway.  You might have to repeat the later over and over again for a period of time.

When in doubt about how to handle this type of situation, try and see it from your child’s perspective, not always easy to do but not impossible, then you will have the correct answer.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Children of Divorce First Christmas

Children of Divorce First Christmas

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Children of Divorce First Christmas
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Christmas is soon upon us and from speaking with people it seems to be very much like Marmite – you either love it or hate it.

But when you are going through a divorce or have just been through one, it can be one of the most difficult and challenging holidays you will have and for your children, one of the most confusing times too.

So here are somethings that you could do to make sure that they are all right, to make sure that they enjoy this time as much as possible.

  •  Let them know exactly what the plans are during the festive season, i.e. who they are spending the holidays with, where and how.  If they are spending time with your ex and you don’t know what the plans are for them, then let them know this too but if you can get this information for them then do so and pass it on to them.  It’s all about alleviating any anxieties and worries they may have at this time by preparing them in advance.
  • You could arrange for the children to have an “early” Christmas with the parent with whom they will not be spending their holiday time with.  They could replicate what they would have done were they to be together including opening presents etc.  Rituals are important practices to mark occasions and giving the children this time with the other parent provides them with a time to practice this ritual and with both parents too albeit at different times and different locations.
  • Not the best time to introduce a new partner.  That you are now divorced or separated and it’s their first Christmas living in this new world, will mean that your children will need time to adjust to this new life without the added complication of adjusting to a new person in their life.
  • Prepare yourself to hear that one of their wishes is to have mummy and daddy back together if only for a day and prepare yourself for them to make efforts to achieve this goal see here
  • Don’t make the children worry about you or feel guilty that they are not with you over Christmas by telling them how lonely you will be.  Look after them by telling them that you will be fine and that you have plans etc. If you don’t have plans then make some.  By all means do tell them that you will miss them not that you will be lonely without them.

If you are worried that your child is or has been affected by the divorce or separation then do contact me on +44(0)7850 85 60 66.

Warm hugs,

Soila

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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why work with a divorce lawyer
Divorces are extremely stressful and they can be further complicated when children are involved.
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Why Work with a Divorce Lawyer

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C&W LeeMarston
Lee Marston, Partner at Clough & Willis.

 

The doing away with Legal Aid has courted much controversy in the media, across the legal community and for those people who have been affected by its demise.

This has been coupled with a government sponsored push to drive compulsory Mediation Information Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) for those who are involved in a family dispute such as a divorce or a child custody case.

On the face of it, this is a typical – and sweeping – government tick-box exercise:

 

 
~ Cut the Legal Aid Bill? TICK

~ Push people towards taking up mediation in order to de-clutter the crowded court system? TICK

~ The only losers are the lawyers, so no public sympathy there? TICK

Well, no…. the reality isn’t the above as life isn’t as simple as the cosseted few who sit in the Westminster Village think it is.

In terms of non criminal or immigration Legal Aid work,  the governments’ spend was small potatoes – especially as a significant sum was recovered by getting a charge on property or receiving back costs from cash recovered/ preserved by the assisted person.

In children cases this was not the norm; but, like in financial claims, the application for public funding was still subject to a merits and means test. That way, the deserving and vulnerable received help and could be represented.

Before an application can be made to court for a divorce or child custody case, clients are now required to attend a MIAM.

The aim of the meeting is to see if mediation could be used to resolve their difficulties, rather than going straight to court.

Despite MIAMs being compulsory, there has been a dramatic reduction in take up – mainly because clients have not seen a lawyer who can make them aware of their choices.

The government’s new approach and its focus on mediation assumes:

~ That every person in a relationship is equal in strength and knowledge

why work with a divorce lawyer
Why work with a divorce lawyer? Divorces are extremely stressful and they can be further complicated when children are involved.

~ That there will be no problem establishing true disclosure for an informed decision

~ That there will be no problems agreeing the value of properties or shares

~ That there will be a reasonable approach to the financial need of the financially weaker party

~ That everyone knows the likely reaction of an existing mortgagee to a proposed agreement

~ That the implications of everyone tied to an existing mortgage are the same

~ That a mediator is someone who can give sound information as to the likely realms of a settlement

I would question every one of the above as I am increasingly coming across what I feel are under settled potential agreements. The fact of the matter is that people require the strength and expertise of a specialist family lawyer on their team.

Solicitors ensure full and frank disclosure and provide expert advice on settlement. By having that knowledge and experience on side, clients can make an informed decision; especially as all advice is tailored by a cost/ benefit analysis. That is, at each stage, comparing likely court imposed settlement to an offer made and balancing that with what further legal costs might be incurred.

Mediation can, of course, work if everyone involved is open, honest and trustworthy and as long as one party is not able to pressurise or browbeat the other.

However, the onus is now on the stretched Judiciary to mediate and impose its views, but this isn’t feasible due to the time it has available and the increasing number of litigants in person (an individual, company or organisation that is not represented in court by a solicitor or barrister) it deals with. These factors can result is many adjournments and it’s hard to be sure if there has been appropriate disclosure from both sides.

To sum up, divorces are extremely stressful and they can be further complicated when children are involved.

I passionately believe that clients shouldn’t go it alone as having a real person on their side who can guide them through the process, challenge where necessary and advise on their own set of circumstances will give them the best chance of securing a fair and just agreement.

www.clough-willis.co.uk

Lee Marston, became a partner in 2001 and heads up the Family Law team at Clough & Willis.

He is a Resolution Accredited Specialist in the financial side of divorce and children disputes. He was a founding member of the Family Law Panel in 2005 and has practised solely in Family Law for over fifteen years. He is particularly known for his vigour in pursuing his clients’ rights, especially when dealing with financial and parental issues.

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taking advantage of your divorce

Taking Advantage of your Divorce

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Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Of course divorce is a difficult process.  It’s more often than not shrouded in anger, animosity and resentment. Children get caught in the middle of it all and families and friends are split at times forever.

Yet despite all this, divorce has it’s benefits and advantages, whether you grab them or not is a different matter.

Divorce has its hidden treasures and gifts.

Each time I say this, I’m met with either a raise of eyebrows or a barrage of questions, some a tiny bit on the angry side. How dare I put the words treasure and divorce in the same sentence?

Well I can and I do and here’s why.

It is so very possible to use your divorce as a catalyst to reconnect with life and love.   I should know, I have been divorced twice.

Of course and as in most things, there are cases where this taking charge of your new life is terrifyingly difficult as in the cases where children and parents are separated or abducted.  I have no answer to this as I cannot imagine anything more difficult than not being with my girls.

However, where it’s a “straightforward” divorce and both parents are in contact with their children, here are 6 treasures that divorce has for you, if only you can start taking advantage of your divorce:

  • No matter how acrimonious it is or was, divorce provides you with a new life –   you can either embrace it or reject it the choice is entirely yours. You cannot live both in the past and in the present – one of them will rule and affect the other. Pick the present and you will find a whole new life and world before you, one that might be difficult in the beginning but as you continue on this new path your journey becomes easier and more fulfilling. The first step in doing this requires that you accept that your marriage is over. Really truly accepting that it’s done and that’s that and start writing your new chapter!
  • As the saying goes, “it takes two”. When a marriage ends, it’s never due to the fault of one person. It may not be equal
    Taking advantage of your Divorce
    What’s the title of this new chapter in your life? Go ahead and start writing it.

    blame but we all do play a role in the creation and breakup of relationships. If you can take responsibility for your own role in the demise of your marriage and accepting it completely, chances are that you will not repeat them in your next relationship nor in others be they platonic, business or otherwise. I have yet to meet someone who is and remains totally adamant that they had absolutely nothing at all to do with the break-up.

    Once you look at your divorce as being partly your doing, then you give your next relationship a much, much better rate of survival. There is truly a reason why the rate of divorce in second marriages is much higher than the first.

  • By knowing and understanding why you picked the person that you married then you will know what to avoid next time. The chances of getting involved with the same person albeit in a different from, will be eliminated. Are you attracted to the needy type, the controlling type or the one who is just unavailable.
  • Being able to handle what divorce throws your way and moving on means that you realise your abilities, capabilities and power and this can give you that oomph you need to venture out there and try new things because you can do it! And should divorce come knocking on your door again, you know that you will be fine.
  • When you realise all these things, the biggest and best thing that happens is that you learn to listen to yourself again. Your instinct shines through because you have taken the time to work through the divorce and it’s repercussions, discarding what you want and keeping a hold of what works for you. You have made and created space for this to happen and this gut feeling, this instinct, whatever it is that you want to call it, never means you any harm.

As Maya Angelou so aptly put it, “Nothing works unless you do.”

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@parentinglives.co.uk

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Getting Divorced using Family Mediation.

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We had the pleasure of interviewing Family Mediator Nevine Bentley of Facilitate Family Mediation – a family mediation service based in Farnham Surrey – on why family mediation is a great alternative divorce process.

If you are about to file for divorce, then please do consider family mediation.

Nevine Bentley moved from being a successful family lawyer to focusing on Family Mediation with the sole aim of helping couples getting divorced be able to do so in a more civil, less acrimonious and less financially destabilising manner.

  • What is family mediation?
  • Is family mediation the same as counselling?
  • What role do family mediators play?
  • How do they differ from divorce lawyers?
  • When getting divorced, is family mediation for everyone?
  • When is family mediation not suitable in marriage separation?
  • What does the process involve when filing for divorce?
  • It is a known fact that the cost of divorce can be extremely high, how does family mediation differ in this area?

Family mediation is just one way on how to end a marriage but it remains one of the least confrontational and quicker ways to go about it.

Getting Divorced using Family Mediation – Part 1

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Getting Divorced using Family Mediation – Part 2

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Nevine is a Resolution trained family mediator and runs her own dedicated mediation practice in Farnham. Nevine brings both this training and a background in law to give fair and balanced assistance to both partners in all aspects of divorce and separation including arrangements for children and finances.

Nevine is able to sensitively bring down barriers and encourage effective communication between separating couples and navigate them to explore options to find mutually acceptable solutions to the issues which remain unresolved between them.

Nevine is qualified to undertake Mediation Information Assessment Meetings (MIAMs)

Nevine is able to offer out of hours appointments seven days a week. She is a member of Resolution and The Family Mediation Council and The Collaborative Family Law Group (http://collaborativelawgroup.co.uk/content/group)

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