life after divorce - Page 10

Losing Friends after Divorce

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce weeds out superficial people and reveals true friends.

People whom you consider your exclusive pals – may latch onto your spouse if he/she is the more valuable commodity.

I had two friends whom I met up with regularly. One completely dropped me when my divorce commenced because my husband was helping her with a small business problem.

The other one contacted my husband in the midst of our divorce to write a letter of recommendation but did it in a sneaky way. It was safer to cut ties with her since she had a tendency not to respect confidences.

Divorce forces one to take stock of friendships and if one does not seem right, then to disengage from it.

Midway through Tess’s acrimonious divorce, her long-time friend, Rhonda stopped taking calls and initiating contact. This was quite puzzling to Tess until her sons later found out during visitation, that their father and Rhonda had become a couple.

Rhonda had decided to go after the vacant position of doctor’s wife and they got married a bit after the divorce was finalized. Tess claimed she felt grateful that she was not going to be spending more time and energy on someone who did not deserve it.

Have you been hanging onto friends out of habit?

We often take relationships for granted and divorce has a way of shaking them up. Evaluate whom you want to have in your life and who is draining your energy. The diva and drama queen may not be worth your limited time and attention. If they are not giving you support in this traumatic transition, consider distancing yourself. Gently say you are currently unavailable in this divorce situation.

Losing Friends after Divorce
The friends that were supportive during my divorce have become more important.

When you have shared details of abuse in your marriage, and these friends still voice “I love you both”, cut ties – or at least let the friendship peter out on its own.

This is hurtful and disrespectful to what you endured. When people have links to your soon-to-be ex or his family, personal information could reach their ears.

You do not want this to throw a spanner in the works when deep in divorce negotiations.

The friends that were supportive during my divorce have become more important. Our relationships have grown closer either due to their kindness or by having more time after letting go of the energy vampires in my life. I have joined MeetUp.com and met new acquaintances who bring laughter and joy post-divorce.

Expect to mourn friends that you have lost or have distanced themselves from you as a result of divorce. It is disconcerting to discover that people whom you thought were permanent fixtures in your life – are not anymore. Realize that grief has various stages including anger, which eventually leads to acceptance.

Sometimes friends hover on the side lines not knowing what to do or say. This may come across as uncaring, when in reality is just being clueless about how to be supportive. It is okay to ask for help and give these people something specific, such as let’s get together bi-weekly for lattes.

On the flip side, if friends are too intrusive or judgemental, explain that you are not up to discussing that issue. You do not owe anyone an explanation and feel free to walk away and remove yourself from that situation. I found that there is balance in life. I lost some friends, but gained closer relationships with the ones that remained.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK.

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divorced dads and their children

Divorced Dads and their Children

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I write this post a bit annoyed following an experience this week, where a certain person is denying the father of her daughter any type of contact because she felt that she, the daughter aged 5, needed time to get used to the divorce??

This is a statement that she kept repeating which frankly doesn’t make any sense because by keeping her away from her father, not only is she suffering yet another sudden loss in her life (aside from the break-up of her family) but another shock will be awaiting her when daddy, is then “reintroduced” in her life at a later stage.

Backstory: Dad left them, not for another woman, but he felt because he needed to.

It remains quite obvious that this lady was now parenting from hurt, anger and vengeance than from anywhere that would mean putting her daughter’s wellbeing first.

I’m annoyed that in this day and age, there are still children out there that have to watch helplessly as their relationship with their father is disrupted, interfered with or even permanently severed just because someone is angry, resentful and vengeful.

Yes, I know there are situations and circumstances where it’s better for a child not to be with his/her father just as there are situations and circumstances where a mother shouldn’t be in the children’s lives.

These are not the cases I am talking about here when I speak of divorced dads and their children.

The ones I’m talking about are those where choices are made by some parents to dismiss or interrupt the father-child relationship, with no real or valid reason except because the divorce has been acrimonious and emotions are running very high.

Divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship. Your ex-partner didn’t turn into a monster of a father within 24 hours.

That your ex-partner, the mother of your children, is giving you hell each time you go round to see or pick up the children is not a good enough reason to stop seeing them just to keep the peace. Whose peace are you keeping? And while you’re keeping it, what happens to your children now and in the future? It doesn’t have to be this way, there are ways and means around this.

That you live in a far away country doesn’t mean that you don’t keep up good, in fact very good, communication with your children. Not with the likes of skype, viber and whatsapp – all free – to help you along the way. Of course it’s not the best way but if it’s the only way then why not use it as much as possible?

Denying your child their father or removing yourself from their lives is like slowly, gradually wiping away their opportunities to better chances in life.

When it comes to Divorced Dads and their Children did you know:

• In a longitudinal study, Flouri and Buchanan (2002-2004), found that a father’s involvement with his child before the age of seven was linked to a good parent-child relationship in both adolescence and into adulthood.

divorced dads and their children• Children who had a good relationship with their father were less likely to get into trouble with the police (same study).

• Children whose fathers were involved in their upbringing had a better chance of attaining higher educational qualifications than those who didn’t (same study)

• Another two-year study by J. Dunn et al., concluded that:”More frequent and more regular contact (which included communication by telephone) was associated with closer, more intense relationships with non-resident fathers (relationships that were both more positive and more conflicted), and fewer adjustment problems in the children.”

• Wallerstein et al. (2002) found that those children who’s fathers were involved tended to make faster progress in their cognitive and social development as they went about exploring the world together

• 5 year old children, followed over a 25 year period, who were closely involved with their fathers were found to be more “empathic as adults and were happier as husbands and as parents than those who had not experienced close relationships with their own fathers a quarter of a century earlier – M. E. Lamb (ed.) (1997) and in K. Pruett(2000)

• Daughters who, over several years, managed to have a good and loving relationship with their husbands, came from homes where they had a “healthy, loving relationship with their fathers as children” – J. S Wallerstein and S. Blakeslee (1995)

So as you go about your divorce and separation, as you go about creating your co-parenting plan, don’t do what has been done so many times before and still continues; don’t overlook or underestimate those afternoons spent in the park with daddy and those days spent just talking, playing and walking because it is these moments that will have a positive influence on your child in so many ways today and in his or her future life.

If you’re struggling with creating a parenting plan, do get in touch.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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A divorce story

Jay’s Divorce Story

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

When Jay met Katharine it was though he met his soul mate but as you may have guessed already, this is their divorce story.

Although they were opposites – she is fiery and he is quite laid back – they seemed to click. Katharine is a go-getter and Jay is more introspective. They met each other’s friends and family and did not see the need for an extended courtship.

Jay’s long-term friends warned him that they were mismatched and they should not get married. They were concerned that he was being guided by lust and had taken leave of his senses.

Jay now admits his buddies were right and wishes that he had paid heed to their warning. Katherine is a Type A personality and Jay is a definite Type B. This mismatch started to cause numerous problems in their daily lives from where to vacation to how to spend a weekend at home. Katharine is intense and has to be around other people and Jay enjoys quieter pursuits.

Jay owned a small business before he met Katharine. It made no sense to bring Katharine into this company as an employee when they were barely getting along at home. Not surprisingly their work styles were quite different as well.

Being with each other 24/7 led to a breaking point. The work environment deteriorated and loyal employees were becoming frustrated.

Jay filed for divorce and they are going through an acrimonious one at present but he is confident that he will be able to keep his business in the divorce since he had taken precautions with having “legal work” done before and during marriage. Jay remains vague regarding if the legal work is considered a pre-nup.

The income derived from the business during marriage is considered marital property,though. He claims he legally made sure that Katharine was considered an employee and not an owner.

Although Jay has a realtor’s licence, Katharine is insisting that he not be allowed to handle their house sale. She moved across country and is attempting to dictate the day to day minutia.

Today, Jay tells his employees Type A people should marry another one and the same with Type B. He claims the two ought not to marry each other. He tells people to listen to old friends’ warnings when they consistently say someone is not right for you. Another piece of advice is to protect your pre-marital assets legally to ensure that you keep them if divorced.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Author of The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce 

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The Benefits of Solitude

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the benefits of solitude
Professor Stephen Joseph. Professor in Psychology, Health and Social Care at the University of Nottingham,

I cam across this post on “The Benefits of Solitude” by Prof Stephen Joseph recently and thought it really appropriate in letting us know that being alone is not only all right but can indeed be necessary for our welfare and wellbeing.

Humanistic and positive psychologists talk about the importance of relationships in fostering good mental health. Relationships that are unconditional, genuine, and empathic help to bring the best out in us. In such relationships we flourish.

Not surprisingly, as psychologists we tend to promote the idea that people need to develop their relationships as a way to find happiness in life.

What is rarely pointed out however is the scarcity of such relationships. The fact is that on a day to day basis most of our relationships are controlling, false and lack understanding.

Be they family relationships or those we have at work, the stark reality of what most of us have to contend with are relationships that we only too glad to escape from. It might be the relief at leaving home to get to work or the relief of leaving work to get home, or sadly for many of us, the in between ground of the car when we have the solitude of being alone.

The point is that we might deeply desire positive relationships in which we are accepted for who we are and able to be ourselves but it is not what we always have.

My worry is that as psychologists we induce guilt and shame with our message that relationships are the path to happiness. Let us not also forget that relationships are the path to misery. It is when we we are in relationships that are controlling, inauthentic and which lack empathic understanding that we are at our worst.

Sometimes, being on our own is the best and most healthy option we have at that moment in time.

We should strive to be unconditionally accepting, genuine and empathic in our relationships with others and we might hope that we get the same back. But if we don’t get it back, then it is okay to walk away.

Positive relationships are worth striving for, but surely solitude is better than relationships that make us feel ill? It is in solitude that we can begin to find ourselves and the new directions in life that will take us to better relationships.

Stephen Joseph is Professor in Psychology, Health and Social Care at the University of Nottingham, a senior practitioner member of the British Psychological Societies register of psychologists who specialise in psychotherapy, and an HCPC registered health and counselling psychologist.

He is the author of “What Doesn’t Kill Us.”

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Embracing Change (when you’d rather hide away)

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Mary-Work-your-way
Business Mentor, Coach and Founder of Work your Way

It’s a brand new year. An ideal opportunity to set new goals and plan ahead for exciting new projects.

But if last year was a challenging, or even distressing one for you, you might feel yourself teetering towards a new turning point in your life.

Almost like coming to a crossroads.

I actually think it’s a little scary when you reach a crossroads in your life. Unchartered territory stretched out before you.

Which path will you take?

There’s that fleeting moment, or two, when you run through little scenarios in your mind.

When you worry about taking the wrong path.

Worry about screwing it all up.

Not being able to make things right again afterwards.

And then having to explain it all away, when you’ve got egg on your face and feel a complete and utter idiot.

All so emotionally draining.

I remember that feeling only too well, back in 2005.

I was a couple of months into my maternity leave, having just had my second child, when one day I picked up a call from a colleague.

Had I heard the news? We were all in for the chop!

The whole department – considered a boutique and surplus to requirements – was going to be disbanded.

I went from looking forward to ‘a little time off’ to bond with my new born, secure in the knowledge that I’d return to my cushy little marketing job, to wondering where on earth I’d filed the latest copy of my resumé.

Where would I find work now? Would I have to take a pay cut? How would I afford the nursery fees?

Sudden and unexpected change, can be momentarily disorienting.

But as scary as it can be, you can start  embracing change and even learn to enjoy it.

Here’s how.

Small steps in the right direction

I think it’s important to realise that when you venture out into a new direction, the answers don’t have to come to you all at once.

Embracing change
Make the most out of this year before you.

“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” Old Chinese Proverb

I love that proverb.

To me, the ‘right direction’ doesn’t necessarily mean a definite destination point. It can simply mean the right decision for you at that moment in time.

There doesn’t even have to be a right or wrong answer, you can enjoy the process of learning, uncovering and discovering along the way.

When I finally decided that redundancy could be a blessing in disguise and to give self-employment a go, I identified what I thought were my most transferrable skills at the time – writing, presentation design, marketing, people skills, to name just a few.

But for a long time afterwards, I honestly didn’t know what to do with them or how best to use them – much less make money with them.

It was a process of taking lots of little steps and following my inkling – testing things out, giving it a go, poking around forums, asking questions, networking, learning new skills on the fly, adapting them, honing them.

I’ve ended up with a business that bears little resemblance to the one I started out with.

But that’s okay.

I’ve learnt so much along the way, and able to serve others far better because of it.

When you tell yourself you’ll take it one small step at a time, there’s no pressure to ‘succeed’.

Make that first step a trip to your local bookshop to treat yourself to a beautiful journal.

The second step, an afternoon to yourself where you can explore your thoughts and jot down some ideas. Not plans. Just ideas. Dig out some magazines, newspaper cuttings, watch a movie – anything that helps to lift your mood and inspire you.

Give yourself time. You’ll get there.

Don’t write off mistakes as a #fail

We’re made to feel uncomfortable with the idea of failure, and so we try to avoid making mistakes at all costs.

But Tim Harford, in his new book ‘Adapt: Why Success Always Starts with a Failure”, argues a strong case for leveraging trial and error to better equip us for success.

In fact, he believes that we need failure in order to succeed.

“Accepting trial and error means accepting error. It means taking problems in our stride when a decision doesn’t work out, whether through luck or misjudgment. And that is not something human brains seem to be able to do without a struggle.”

There are well document examples of the world’s most successful people who have failed, at times more than once.

So failure needn’t be something to be ashamed of at all.

It’s what you choose to do afterwards – or perhaps in spite of it – that counts.

It could lead to something remarkable.

 Draw upon others for help and support

It’s not a sign of weakness if you recognise that you need support with where you want to be in life.

There are many situations in everyday life where we readily accept that we need an expert’s help or opinion – from the mundane (a plumber) to something far more serious (our GP).

Yet when it comes to a crisis in our personal life, our place of employment or our business, we battle alone valiantly, because we feel we should be able to cope.

Who can you call upon for help, to support you, to gee you up when you feel you’re flagging, to hold you accountable when you want to achieve something specific.

Whether it’s a friend, mentor or coach, it can be so reassuring to know that you have someone there by your side, who wants you to be the very best you can be.

Make the most out of this year before you.

It CAN be your year.

It can be a wonderful year.

Mary Cummings is an entrepreneur, business mentor, coach and founder of Mary Cummings Services dedicated to helping people create work that they love – whether it’s starting a business from scratch or monetising a hobby – her aim is to help them do it successfully and profitably.

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Get back on your feet

The Best Way to Get Back On Your Feet After Divorce

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

How do some people manage to bounce back after their divorce?

One reason may be that they have had time to get used to the idea, they perhaps even instigated proceedings, knew where they would be going, what they would be doing next.

Some people though, do seem better equipped to cope with negative experiences. How do they do that? Are they doing something differently?

What is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce?

– Consider your perspective on life.

Two people can share the same everyday experience like a meal out or a cinema visit, yet have very different opinions afterwards.

Look at how you generally react to experiences. Do you tend to take things personally? Would you benefit from a more positive, resilient attitude?

– Treat setbacks as valuable lessons, ways to do things differently, perhaps even better than before. Look at how and why your relationship failed; there are often lessons to be learned by both parties, after all, you loved each other once, didn’t you?

Hurt, disappointment, rejection can teach us important lessons, allow for the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, clarify what we want and don’t want from relationships and work on our own failings and insecurities.

– Value what you have in life.

Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.

Before they divorce many people discover that the loneliest place on earth is to be in a loveless marriage where they feel increasingly unhappy. They discover that they’re much better off in a small rented place that is home than in a grand mansion where they feel unwanted and alone.

After a breakup many of us learn who are real friends are, who cares about us, who is loyal and in our corner.

– Give yourself credit as you pick up the pieces of your life. Start small, making new friends, learning how to manage on your own.

In many relationships some jobs are yours, some your partner’s. Praise yourself when you make that difficult phone call, finish something you were dreading, learn something new. Value the small successes each day and credit yourself with each accomplishment.

– Surround yourself with positive people and things. Accept offers of help and spend as much time as you can with supportive people, with people who understand how you’re feeling, want to help and yet are prepared to nudge you along

get back on your feet
Surround yourself with positive people and things

occasionally if they suspect you need it.

– Find time for reflective interests. Learn to use your free time well.

If you live alone or have shared custody of children spend some of your alone time constructively; maybe reading a book, painting, spending time in the garden, walking in the countryside. Yes, catch up on chores but commit some time to yourself as well.

– Spend time on your home. After a divorce it can be important to inject your personality into your surroundings, even if they’re only temporary or you’ve no spare money.

Use colour and textures to ensure it’s cozy, warm and welcoming. Invite people round for a coffee or supper and make your place feel homely and safe. It’s important to feel good about you home, for it to be a place you’re happy to spend time in, to be comfortable about returning to.

– Schedule things ahead so you have something to look forward to.  Art galleries and museums often have shows that are free to attend, book clubs are often looking for new members, or simply take the initiative and invite friends round for an evening, a games night, a film viewing or supper.

Dark evenings especially can seem long and devoid of fun so get on mailing lists and organize trips with friends or colleagues.

– Volunteering, charitable work, helping others can help you feel good, especially if you live on your own and find you have too much time on your hands. Simple things can help to turn your focus away from yourself, like learning to smile as you walk by, saying ‘hello’ to people first, interacting with other people, even if it feels alien and awkward to start with. Small steps all help to improve your mood.

– Accept invitations, say ‘yes’ to opportunities and gradually have a go. This is a new start for you so after a period of healing, maybe therapy where you work on your confidence, negative patterns or demons, start to step out of your comfort zone. Being receptive to new ideas and opportunities adds potential for new direction to your life.

Use your divorce as an opportunity, a new beginning, a time to rediscover yourself. There is a saying that the ultimate revenge is indifference. As you become more positive about yourself and your new life you’ll find yourself increasingly indifferent to your ex. Your new found enthusiasm and quality of life is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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A Divorce Story – Tim

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A Divorce Story

Tim was adopted by a couple who already had a seven year old daughter and a nine year old son.

The parents were loving, however Tim never really connected to his siblings due to the age differences.

When Tim was thirty, he met a twenty year old woman and they married a year later. This couple had different life experiences and expectations.

Tim said that he felt set in his ways in his early thirties and his wife was more of a free spirit and wanted to have fun. She was more tolerant of the differences in people and Tim was more comfortable with familiar people and settings.

Tim knew early on that this union was a big mistake, but he thought that he would stick it out.

Their marriage lasted for several years.  He claims that his being rigid led to their divorce along with his young wife’s flitting around like a butterfly.

In his small town in Wisconsin, there were no formal support groups for divorcing people. There were generic women’s groups, but nothing for the fellows. He was not close to his siblings, so did not get the support that he needed. Tim felt that divorce was such a lonely and frustrating time.

Post-divorce he went to San Francisco to meet like-minded people. Tim felt like a stranger and encountered folks who seemed superficial. Running away did not work out for him.

Tim now lives in a medium size city in Wyoming and is happier with his life. Tim dates women closer to his age and with similar backgrounds.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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life after divorce for men
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Life After Divorce for Men – Pierre’s Story

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Pierre, a talented pastry chef, lived outside of Paris and when he was thirty-five, he immigrated to America.

He opened a large bakery in San Francisco which was a tremendous success and he eventually hired a team of pastry chefs to do most of the hands on work. He developed recipes and was quite proud of his ten pastry cases.

He opened a large bakery in San Francisco which was a tremendous success.
He opened a large bakery in San Francisco which was a tremendous success.

After twelve years Pierre married a French Polynesian who was twenty-three years younger than him. He sold this successful bakery after several years of marriage, to try a new venture and he and his wife, Palila, moved to a small city in Colorado where Pierre opened a bakery/café.

Palila has a fiery temperament and Pierre is laid back. Palila is drama and Pierre is one who likes calmness. At first Pierre attributed their opposite ways of approaching life, to their age difference. They had a daughter and motherhood did not mellow Palila. Pierre could not deal with Palila’s intense energy and they clashed.

They had different views on how to run the restaurant and the tense atmosphere affected their business. Years down the road, there were less customers and the business was losing money. They closed it, got a divorce and Pierre retired.

Pierre was restless during retirement and longed to be in a commercial kitchen again. After several years of retirement, Pierre applied at a French café and was quickly hired as the pastry chef. Life was good again until Palila also started working at the same French café. Pierre thought they could work together since they were no longer married.

Drama followed Palila and she ordered the staff around as if she owned the place.  After six months, Palila was fired.

Pierre now shares his divorce wisdom with the young male staff:

  • Marry someone in your age group, not a person young enough to be your offspring. The vast age difference did not work in his circumstance.
  • Pick a partner that shares a similar temperament. Sometimes fire and water do not mix.
  • Just because you both share the same first language, that does not ensure a lasting union.
  • Choose someone that you really enjoy being with and have some common interests.
  • Pierre adds that working with an ex-spouse may not be the best idea.

Pierre is well liked at the café and has a following of devoted customers.

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Divorce Recovery and Starting Out on Your Own Again

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

Whether or not we’re in agreement with the divorce starting out on our own again can be tough.

We may have become immune to the situation at home, the long periods of silence, the bickering, the disappearing acts and even though the eventual split often comes as a relief it can still be distressing.

Divorce recovery or starting out on our own often causes significant upheaval. It can require finding a new home, adapting our existing home, reorganising our finances, sourcing a job, arranging childcare.

Many things may need to be dealt with at a time when we’re already feeling quite low.

Here are a few tips to help if in your journey through divorce recovery and when you’re starting out on your own again:

  • Introduce your personality, some personal touches and put your mark on your home. Even if you’re renting or sharing with friends be sure you have somewhere you can call your own. Introduce colour, pictures, bright fabrics so that you have your own oasis of peace and calm. These things don’t need to cost a lot of money; throws, cushions, lovely textures and scented candles can be sourced at local markets and thrift stores but can add important touches of cosy comfort.

 

  • If you’re remaining in the family home consider rearranging the furniture, altering your bedroom so that the place has a rather different feel. You may have let some possessions go due to the divorce settlement so use this as an opportunity to change things around and add your own flair and personal style. If you’re moving with children try to include them in the process by letting them discuss some of the decisions that affect them.

 

  • There may be times when you find yourself on your own, lonely and wondering what to do. It may be tempting to bury yourself in work, domestic chores or hibernate at home for a while, but try to introduce good habits from the start. Invite friends to your place so that it starts to feel more homely. Friends will be happy to help out and contribute food or a bottle of wine if that’s a consideration for you. Have a pamper evening on your own with a pleasant supper, a leisurely bath or
    time with a film or a good book. Plan to enjoy your alone times.
divorce recovery
For divorce recovery – Plan to enjoy your alone times.

 

  • You may find that you have a lot more responsibility now that you’re on your own. If you have children ask them to start helping a little. Even young children can help a little with chores, setting the table, tidying up and it can be important for them to feel that they’re contributing to the new family dynamic.

 

  • Provide children with regular opportunities to talk. Let them know that it’s okay to contact their absent parent whenever they wish and provide times when you’re available to listen, answer any questions they may have and provide reassurance. Grandparents can be a valuable resource at these times, often able to provide children with loving support, wisdom, and plenty of time.

 

  • You may need to make an effort to bring new friends of either gender or new interests into your life. Consider the value of going to places on a regular basis.  Walking the dog, going to the gym, attending a weekly class, even shopping at the supermarket may provide opportunities for you to smile as you recognise regular faces, then gradually say hello, begin a conversation and perhaps agree to meet for coffee.

 

  • Accept invitations that you know are safe. Even unlikely invitations can open new doors for you and introduce you to people and activities you may not have previously thought about. If you have to consider childcare make the effort to befriend other parents so that you can share the responsibility and alternate lifts, sleepovers and after school care.

 

  • Be gentle with yourself. There may well be times, even when you’re with family or friends, that you feel lonely and alone. Avoid the temptation to make rash, hasty decisions and bide your time, letting yourself grieve, heal and work through your issues. Some people find that therapy can offer valuable support at this time, enabling lessons to be learned from the breakup, but whatever you decide to do, take your time, be gentle with yourself and begin to look forward to starting out on
    your own again.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Divorce is not a License to Destroy

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Amicable divorces are not the norm but this doesn’t mean that life after divorce need be one that’s burdened with the same emotions that you carried through the process.

Moving on from a breakup or moving on from divorce doesn’t mean you have to destroy to feel whole again.

Judging by the emails we receive from time to time, long running anger and resentment is pretty common even after several years of living and being apart.

Couples long divorced who won’t attend their grandchildren’s christening if the ex is going to be present.

And the ones who refuse to be part of their children’s wedding if their ex spouse is coming with his/her new partner.

There are a whole lot of powerfully negative emotions associated with divorce.  There’s anger, there’s hate, and all the ones associated with grief and loss.

But anger seems to be the most prevalent especially during the divorce process.  And, as it’s well known, the source of anger is usually hurt.  Someone gets hurt and wants to hurt back.

But despite all this, divorce is not a license to destroy.

Here’s why:

  • Because, if anything, you both played a role in the final breakdown of your marriage.  If you don’t agree, ask yourself these questions.  Did you say yes to marrying him/her?  Did you ignore signs, hints and/or red flags around you at the time of dating?  Do you believe that you are absolutely not responsible in any, any way for the end of your marriage?  What could you have done different?
  • Because, where children are concerned, it stops being about you and your anger.  Of course you can express it as you please because it’s vital for the healing process that you do so, but don’t involve the children, don’t use them as messengers, advocates or spies and don’t involve them in adult issues.  What they really need right now is the adult in the room to provide them with security and affection so that their already shattered world is not destroyed beyond repair.   And that adult is you.
  • Because, unless there’s cause for concern, the relationship that the children have with the other parent is their relationship alone.   Divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship between the children and the other parent by holding them hostage because you’re not happy or due to lack of child support payments and increasing any negative effects of divorce on children.  Don’t be the one whom the children grow up to resent and begrudge because you arrested and broke a relationship that was so dear and critical to them.
  • Because anger is toxic.  Anger eats you up, not the person that it’s directed towards and holding on to it will not help you along your journey of living with or coping with divorce.  You operate with high levels of adrenaline and cortisol which affect your immune and cardiovascular systems.  Release the anger and you free yourself.  Yes, easier said than done but it’s definitely not impossible.  As Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”
  • Because the emotions of divorce cause you to hold yourself hostage to a past and a person you wish to rid yourself off.  Those emotions become you, you carry them and identify with them.  Then here on, those whom you meet along your way only get to know the person whose mind and soul carry anger and resentment.
  • Because no one can make you do anything you don’t want to.  This means that we are totally responsible for our actions, unless of course there’s a gun or some sort of threat involved.  But when we make decisions to behave a certain way, or do something destructive then that simply falls on our shoulders.  It’s all about taking responsibility.

Divorce is tough and can be ugly.  Destructive emotions run high, very high sometimes.

But it’s very possible to contain those feelings and stopping yourself from becoming either verbally or physically destructive.

There are so many ways.  It’s just a matter of finding what works for you and making your life after divorce as happy as you can get it to be.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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forgive and forget

Can you Forgive and Forget?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

So here’s the story…

My really good friend, Samantha (definitely not her real name) has been divorced for almost 7 years now but if you met her today, you would think it all happened 15 days ago. 

She goes on and on about her useless, lying, cheating ex-husband!

I don’t think Sam has one friend who has  not tried to encourage her to move on.  

“I have moved on!  Of course I’ve moved on!  Otherwise I wouldn’t be dating would I?”  She sings, “I have forgiven him but I will never, ever forget!”  That statement right there has become her line of defence, the  soundtrack to her life. 

In your own situation, have you been able to forgive and forget?

“I will forgive but I never forget” is one of those phrases that we use all the time.

Thing is such a phrase doesn’t actually mean anything.  So you can say what you like but the big question is this: At the end of the day do you have emotional closure?” Answer is no.  You see if you never forget it means that you keep remembering and when the memory hits you, your emotions are affected, especially when you are determined never to forget.

By not forgiving –

  • You have chosen to hold yourself hostage to your own past.  You have given up the power to not only create a new happy future but also surrendered the ability to enjoy the here and now.  No one else is doing this to you but you.  Like some once said, “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”  Try it and see.
  • forgive and forget
    “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”

    While you continue on your unforgiving route, you carry other emotions that can be so pervasive that they consume you and affect the way you are with others including friends, partners and your children.   To be unforgiving brings in anger and resentment, emotions that affect your heart and your mind.  Thing is, if you really want to “teach” your ex a lesson then forgive him/her.  Like Oscar Wilde said  “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

  • Did you know that there are physiological benefits to forgiveness? Very briefly, here’s how:  when you carry a negative laden emotion such as being in the state of unforgiving (which carries other emotions such as anger and hurt), your body will continue to release such hormones as adrenaline and cortisol.  These will then affect both your immune and cardiovascular systems which can then make you vulnerable to illness and diseases. But when let go off those emotions then your body settles down and starts to return to self-regulation or self-healing.  What does forgiveness really mean?  Why is it so important to our wellbeing?  If you would like to know more watch Deepak Chopra’s video here on “How Does Forgiveness Heal” and read more here.

In the meantime, Sam’s ex has remarried, has a new family and has moved to a new city.  As for my dear friend any man who comes her way – “Not interested.  They are all the same” she sings.

Forgiving is not easy and maybe you need to learn how to forgive yourself first before you begin with anyone else.  Learn to forgive?  That’s freedom!  That’s a gift you give to yourself.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you is soul-destroying.
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Shame you’re Divorced

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What is Reiki www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Ever since launching The Divorce Magazine, one thing has become clear and obvious: being divorced is something to be ashamed off, it’s something that you want to hide as much as possible and it’s not a status you want to own or be associated with.

This has been indicated in two ways.

Firstly, I have been asked, over and over again why I chose to call this magazine, The Divorce Magazine.  Could I not find something more…gentle, nicer?

At a recent networking event one of the attendees informed me that she had been thinking of launching a magazine about divorce.

She went on to explain that she was still planning on doing so but she was going to call it something different, “something really lovely.  I find using the word divorce in the title a bit too harsh.  I wouldn’t want to be seen reading it.”

Secondly in the business world of Linkedin, some friends and acquaintances have said that they would rather not be connected to me because they didn’t want anything to do with Divorce to be seen as being part of their connections.  “People would begin to wonder what was going on in my marriage.” Or, “I don’t want potential employers or clients to see that I am connected to those working in divorce or separation.  It just doesn’t look good”

Finally and which is very closely tied to the previous point, is to do with Facebook.

my marriage
Being divorced is something to be ashamed off,

Facebook is more of a social site unlike Linkedin which is about business connections – you don’t talk about what you had for lunch here.

This is where you get personal and tell all that you want to all that are interested or not.  You show off your holiday photos and like and unlike other members posts, photos and videos.  And where Facebook is used for business purposes, the messages and posts are also more emotion based, intimate and friendly.

People see you and what you get up to and it is for this reason, as in the Linkedin point, that people have said they are reluctant to like the page because, again, “People will wonder what they have been up to what is going on in their lives.”

While I totally understand this, it just goes to show just how strong and negative a stigma divorce still holds in our lives, communities and society, so much so that your decision to hire someone or not will be based on her Linkedin connection to some who founded a magazine called “The Divorce Magazine.”

I recently wrote an article for the Huffington Post on a very similar subject but from a personal angle.

I find that unless we begin to look at divorce as part of our life’s journey, as something that happened but that doesn’t define us who we we are, then we will continue to hold it in darkness, in shame and in guilt.

We will continue to whisper about it and beat ourselves up when we go through it and label ourselves as “failed” in one of the biggest areas of our lives.

Unfortunately divorce is here and doesn’t seem to be going away.

Fortunately divorce is here so we have a means to right a wrong that would otherwise condemn some of us to lives of misery and sorrow for the sake of keeping up appearances.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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