life after divorce - Page 10

How to travel light with children

Single Parent Holidays – How to Travel Light with Children

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There are tricks to packing for a holiday to make life easier, whether going alone or with the kids.  My sons and I usually only have carry on, and in order to do this we have perfected a few practices.

We save socks and underwear with a hole in them for holidays, so they can be worn and thrown away on the trip. Trousers and shoes that still look okay but are getting a bit worn, are also packed and discarded too.

When my sons were little, I took almost outgrown clothes and left them behind in the hotels with a note.

I went to South Africa right after my divorce and the nice looking shirts that my ex had given me, were worn and donated to a local charity. I went to Egypt with a stuffed carry on and got rid of most of my clothes and had room for many souvenirs.

I do not take a handbag, but only a money pouch that can also hold a few other essentials like lip balm. I carry a small bag for books, snacks, an umbrella, etc around the city or while on tours which takes up no space in my suitcase. I take a larger tote bag as my personal item when travelling, that is roomier than a handbag.

Have a small travel wardrobe that washes well in a hotel or cabin’s sink and can be hung up to dry. This includes nice dresses in washable silk, for more formal affairs. I use the shampoo to wash clothes that is provided by the hotel or ship.

Magazines have foundation, lotion, and serum samples that I save for holidays. I get facials at Neal’s Yard and they are generous with trip size containers of their wonderful products.

How to Travel Light A pharmacy has special days where companies come in and hand out small promotional size goodies in their skin care lines. Stash these away for your next holiday, including the small tubes of toothpaste from your dentist.

I save small eye cream and lip balm containers and put my own creams and lotions into them to save space when packing toiletries.

Our local library has a rack where people leave their magazines and pick up other ones. I get some of these freebies for a trip. I read a book and often leave it in the ship or hotel’s library to lighten my load. Some people swear by the plastic bags that take the air out of clothes and squash them for more packing space, however I have not had much luck with these.

Business travellers often take apparel in just two or three colours to mix and match more easily, especially when they have both casual and formal functions.

When travelling with children, accept strangers’ help.

My toddler had a meltdown in an airport and I was losing my cool. I happily let a grandmother entertain him in his stroller with a new toy that she was giving her grandson. I had a newborn and a pre-schooler on a flight when the man sitting in front of us graciously got my stroller and kids’ luggage down from the overhead locker. Then Tiger Woods even insisted that we got off the plane before him.

Wrap up activity books, travel sized games and other entertaining small toys and dole them out on the trip. I gave my young sons medication for their ears on flights after consulting with their paediatrician, since the other remedies did not help their Eustachian tubes.

I took premeasured formula in a container that held three individual bottles’ worth and only had to put water in the bottle. I dumped in the right amount of powdered formula for each bottle given and this made travelling with a baby very easy. Of course carry extra snacks since there can be flight delays.

One doctor thought she would be smart and gave her young sons an anti-histamine on a long haul flight to get them to sleep most of the way. It was a trip from Hell. She said for the entire flight they screamed and cried like when they were on the verge of sleep at home, but were cranky and did not nap at all on the plane.

This is quoted by many folks, “Take twice the money and half of the clothes that you think that you will need on a trip.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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How to Smile Again – Sponsored Story

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When the ‘pillars of our community’ breakdown

Many Are Suffering from Trauma and Don’t Even Know It

 ANNA PINKERTON PR

Many high achievers struggle to cope with life events such as divorce, bereavement, violence or sexual abuse because of the “get over it” culture of the corporate world, according to a leading psychotherapist.

Sometimes, they are suffering all the symptoms of trauma, but are unlikely to take time off work to recover. Instead they put on a brave face in public when in fact they are just days or weeks from breaking down. Sometimes they are struck out of life with no warning having devastating effect on all areas of their life.

Trauma specialist, Anna Pinkerton, details her findings in her new book,

How to Smile Again: Recovery for those in public life but in private pain.

 ANNA PINKERTON HOW TO SMILE AGAIN

How to Smile Again

“Professional people are so used to coping with whatever life throws at them. Their whole identity is bound up in coping and being successful. After shocking events outside of their control they can be filled with shame and despair; they wonder why they’re not coping better,” she says.

 

Anna 46 who is based in Derbyshire has devoted her professional life to treating patients suffering from post-traumatic stress disorders. Her approach is unique using simple images to help people understand what is happening to them, she shares these in her book.

 

She says trauma can be caused by one off shocking events and slow to build stresses over a long period of time. “It is not the severity of an incident, but the impact on the person that matters. Someone can have an accident, which seems to be minor, but it traumatises them because it triggers a connection with other unresolved experiences stored in their memory,” she explains.

 

Symptoms of trauma include:

  • Consistent difficulty with concentrating
  • Acute Anxiety
  • Binge drinking and binge eating
  • Having a ‘short fuse’
  • Insomnia
  • Trembling
  • Loss of appetite
  • Self harming
  • Short term memory loss
  • Depression

Anna, who is a mother of two, has devoted her professional life to helping hundreds of emotionally, psychologically and physically injured people to rebuild their lives. She has a thorough understanding, not only through dealing with clients but through personal experience. She was shocked when a violent assault by her partner in June 2011 left her with post traumatic stress.

“I’m living proof that it can happen to anyone. Even an expert can be crippled by trauma. You are at the mercy of your nervous system. Because of this I know it is possible to be struck out of life as you knew it, and I also know it is possible to repair yourself even if you feel utterly broken and are suffering in silence,” she says.

 

The Author:

Anna Pinkerton is an art psychotherapist, trauma practitioner and coach who has dedicated her career to understanding post-traumatic stress. Her therapy centre CHAPTERS is based in Derbyshire, though she has office in London and helps people all around the UK.

How to Smile Again: Recovery for those in public life but in private pain by Anna Pinkerton is available from bookshops from 11th June 2015

 

For a review copy, serialisation rights, extracts or to arrange an interview with the author, contact:

Anna Pinkerton

07899 688845 anna@annapinkerton.com

Anna is also available to write by-lined features and articles

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Helping Divorcing Friends

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Your good friend down the street just told you that she and her husband are divorcing.  You want to give her all of your wisdom and advice. That would really help her….or would it?

The first thing to do is just listen. Really listen.

It is not the time to scare her with what went wrong in your divorce or to bombard your friend with what she ought to do.

Your friend may be numb with shock and wants you as a sounding board so that she can process her emotions.

Respect your friend’s privacy and do not ask him/her for the gory details to satisfy your curiosity.

They may have had a picture perfect marriage on the outside, but what went on behind closed doors was personal. Instead, just be there even if sitting in silence. Let your pal know that you are there for them in whatever way is supportive.

Gently ask if they could use some divorce resources.

The Divorce Magazine’s web site has a tab to click on for resources and mention the informative articles. MeetUp.com has divorce groups in London and in other parts of the UK. MeetUp.com has men’s and women’s groups which can provide camaraderie and interesting activities.

There are various divorce support groups, retreats, and workshops in the UK and elsewhere which can be beneficial. Perhaps check for these online and report back to your friend. I sometimes stumbled around in a fog during divorce and could have used help from friends sourcing this type of support.

divorced friends
Gently ask if they could use some divorce resources.

I had a birthday during the middle of my divorce and people queued up to help me celebrate it. Perhaps have a group celebration for their birthday in the midst of an acrimonious divorce.

Small treats are great, such as a bag of Thornton’s decadent chocolates or a gift card for something fun. Are their kids with the other parent for the first time on a major bank holiday? Invite them over for a festive diversion.

People shared what helped them in their divorces.

When they saw I was about to make a huge mistake, they tactfully told about similar experiences where that potential action just did not work.

Refrain from using the word “should” and use other ones, such as “have you considered…?”

Telling true stories about your own or someone else’s divorce is guidance, not preaching what you think you friend has to do. Be aware of how you come across to a divorcing friend, because dispensing advice can be construed as judgemental of how they are handling things.

I share what supplements, including homeopathic ones, helped me through my divorce and beyond. I let people know about a particular protein drink that helps me when under stress. I bring up the topic of supplements, including nutrition, since I am a nurse. People can take it or leave it. Someone in a different specialty, such as fitness, might bring up beneficial aspects of exercise which can help in divorce.

If your friend expresses frustration or that they feel stuck, ask them if they might consider going to a life or divorce coach. This coach can help them to see where they are stuck and devise strategies to deal with stress and have a smoother divorce. The coach can help a person learn how to face divorce issues and cope with being separated from children part-time.

Help your friend realize that they are not alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Losing Friends after Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce weeds out superficial people and reveals true friends.

People whom you consider your exclusive pals – may latch onto your spouse if he/she is the more valuable commodity.

I had two friends whom I met up with regularly. One completely dropped me when my divorce commenced because my husband was helping her with a small business problem.

The other one contacted my husband in the midst of our divorce to write a letter of recommendation but did it in a sneaky way. It was safer to cut ties with her since she had a tendency not to respect confidences.

Divorce forces one to take stock of friendships and if one does not seem right, then to disengage from it.

Midway through Tess’s acrimonious divorce, her long-time friend, Rhonda stopped taking calls and initiating contact. This was quite puzzling to Tess until her sons later found out during visitation, that their father and Rhonda had become a couple.

Rhonda had decided to go after the vacant position of doctor’s wife and they got married a bit after the divorce was finalized. Tess claimed she felt grateful that she was not going to be spending more time and energy on someone who did not deserve it.

Have you been hanging onto friends out of habit?

We often take relationships for granted and divorce has a way of shaking them up. Evaluate whom you want to have in your life and who is draining your energy. The diva and drama queen may not be worth your limited time and attention. If they are not giving you support in this traumatic transition, consider distancing yourself. Gently say you are currently unavailable in this divorce situation.

Losing Friends after Divorce
The friends that were supportive during my divorce have become more important.

When you have shared details of abuse in your marriage, and these friends still voice “I love you both”, cut ties – or at least let the friendship peter out on its own.

This is hurtful and disrespectful to what you endured. When people have links to your soon-to-be ex or his family, personal information could reach their ears.

You do not want this to throw a spanner in the works when deep in divorce negotiations.

The friends that were supportive during my divorce have become more important. Our relationships have grown closer either due to their kindness or by having more time after letting go of the energy vampires in my life. I have joined MeetUp.com and met new acquaintances who bring laughter and joy post-divorce.

Expect to mourn friends that you have lost or have distanced themselves from you as a result of divorce. It is disconcerting to discover that people whom you thought were permanent fixtures in your life – are not anymore. Realize that grief has various stages including anger, which eventually leads to acceptance.

Sometimes friends hover on the side lines not knowing what to do or say. This may come across as uncaring, when in reality is just being clueless about how to be supportive. It is okay to ask for help and give these people something specific, such as let’s get together bi-weekly for lattes.

On the flip side, if friends are too intrusive or judgemental, explain that you are not up to discussing that issue. You do not owe anyone an explanation and feel free to walk away and remove yourself from that situation. I found that there is balance in life. I lost some friends, but gained closer relationships with the ones that remained.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK.

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divorced dads and their children

Divorced Dads and their Children

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

I write this post a bit annoyed following an experience this week, where a certain person is denying the father of her daughter any type of contact because she felt that she, the daughter aged 5, needed time to get used to the divorce??

This is a statement that she kept repeating which frankly doesn’t make any sense because by keeping her away from her father, not only is she suffering yet another sudden loss in her life (aside from the break-up of her family) but another shock will be awaiting her when daddy, is then “reintroduced” in her life at a later stage.

Backstory: Dad left them, not for another woman, but he felt because he needed to.

It remains quite obvious that this lady was now parenting from hurt, anger and vengeance than from anywhere that would mean putting her daughter’s wellbeing first.

I’m annoyed that in this day and age, there are still children out there that have to watch helplessly as their relationship with their father is disrupted, interfered with or even permanently severed just because someone is angry, resentful and vengeful.

Yes, I know there are situations and circumstances where it’s better for a child not to be with his/her father just as there are situations and circumstances where a mother shouldn’t be in the children’s lives.

These are not the cases I am talking about here when I speak of divorced dads and their children.

The ones I’m talking about are those where choices are made by some parents to dismiss or interrupt the father-child relationship, with no real or valid reason except because the divorce has been acrimonious and emotions are running very high.

Divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship. Your ex-partner didn’t turn into a monster of a father within 24 hours.

That your ex-partner, the mother of your children, is giving you hell each time you go round to see or pick up the children is not a good enough reason to stop seeing them just to keep the peace. Whose peace are you keeping? And while you’re keeping it, what happens to your children now and in the future? It doesn’t have to be this way, there are ways and means around this.

That you live in a far away country doesn’t mean that you don’t keep up good, in fact very good, communication with your children. Not with the likes of skype, viber and whatsapp – all free – to help you along the way. Of course it’s not the best way but if it’s the only way then why not use it as much as possible?

Denying your child their father or removing yourself from their lives is like slowly, gradually wiping away their opportunities to better chances in life.

When it comes to Divorced Dads and their Children did you know:

• In a longitudinal study, Flouri and Buchanan (2002-2004), found that a father’s involvement with his child before the age of seven was linked to a good parent-child relationship in both adolescence and into adulthood.

divorced dads and their children• Children who had a good relationship with their father were less likely to get into trouble with the police (same study).

• Children whose fathers were involved in their upbringing had a better chance of attaining higher educational qualifications than those who didn’t (same study)

• Another two-year study by J. Dunn et al., concluded that:”More frequent and more regular contact (which included communication by telephone) was associated with closer, more intense relationships with non-resident fathers (relationships that were both more positive and more conflicted), and fewer adjustment problems in the children.”

• Wallerstein et al. (2002) found that those children who’s fathers were involved tended to make faster progress in their cognitive and social development as they went about exploring the world together

• 5 year old children, followed over a 25 year period, who were closely involved with their fathers were found to be more “empathic as adults and were happier as husbands and as parents than those who had not experienced close relationships with their own fathers a quarter of a century earlier – M. E. Lamb (ed.) (1997) and in K. Pruett(2000)

• Daughters who, over several years, managed to have a good and loving relationship with their husbands, came from homes where they had a “healthy, loving relationship with their fathers as children” – J. S Wallerstein and S. Blakeslee (1995)

So as you go about your divorce and separation, as you go about creating your co-parenting plan, don’t do what has been done so many times before and still continues; don’t overlook or underestimate those afternoons spent in the park with daddy and those days spent just talking, playing and walking because it is these moments that will have a positive influence on your child in so many ways today and in his or her future life.

If you’re struggling with creating a parenting plan, do get in touch.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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A divorce story

Jay’s Divorce Story

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

When Jay met Katharine it was though he met his soul mate but as you may have guessed already, this is their divorce story.

Although they were opposites – she is fiery and he is quite laid back – they seemed to click. Katharine is a go-getter and Jay is more introspective. They met each other’s friends and family and did not see the need for an extended courtship.

Jay’s long-term friends warned him that they were mismatched and they should not get married. They were concerned that he was being guided by lust and had taken leave of his senses.

Jay now admits his buddies were right and wishes that he had paid heed to their warning. Katherine is a Type A personality and Jay is a definite Type B. This mismatch started to cause numerous problems in their daily lives from where to vacation to how to spend a weekend at home. Katharine is intense and has to be around other people and Jay enjoys quieter pursuits.

Jay owned a small business before he met Katharine. It made no sense to bring Katharine into this company as an employee when they were barely getting along at home. Not surprisingly their work styles were quite different as well.

Being with each other 24/7 led to a breaking point. The work environment deteriorated and loyal employees were becoming frustrated.

Jay filed for divorce and they are going through an acrimonious one at present but he is confident that he will be able to keep his business in the divorce since he had taken precautions with having “legal work” done before and during marriage. Jay remains vague regarding if the legal work is considered a pre-nup.

The income derived from the business during marriage is considered marital property,though. He claims he legally made sure that Katharine was considered an employee and not an owner.

Although Jay has a realtor’s licence, Katharine is insisting that he not be allowed to handle their house sale. She moved across country and is attempting to dictate the day to day minutia.

Today, Jay tells his employees Type A people should marry another one and the same with Type B. He claims the two ought not to marry each other. He tells people to listen to old friends’ warnings when they consistently say someone is not right for you. Another piece of advice is to protect your pre-marital assets legally to ensure that you keep them if divorced.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Author of The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce 

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The Benefits of Solitude

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the benefits of solitude
Professor Stephen Joseph. Professor in Psychology, Health and Social Care at the University of Nottingham,

I cam across this post on “The Benefits of Solitude” by Prof Stephen Joseph recently and thought it really appropriate in letting us know that being alone is not only all right but can indeed be necessary for our welfare and wellbeing.

Humanistic and positive psychologists talk about the importance of relationships in fostering good mental health. Relationships that are unconditional, genuine, and empathic help to bring the best out in us. In such relationships we flourish.

Not surprisingly, as psychologists we tend to promote the idea that people need to develop their relationships as a way to find happiness in life.

What is rarely pointed out however is the scarcity of such relationships. The fact is that on a day to day basis most of our relationships are controlling, false and lack understanding.

Be they family relationships or those we have at work, the stark reality of what most of us have to contend with are relationships that we only too glad to escape from. It might be the relief at leaving home to get to work or the relief of leaving work to get home, or sadly for many of us, the in between ground of the car when we have the solitude of being alone.

The point is that we might deeply desire positive relationships in which we are accepted for who we are and able to be ourselves but it is not what we always have.

My worry is that as psychologists we induce guilt and shame with our message that relationships are the path to happiness. Let us not also forget that relationships are the path to misery. It is when we we are in relationships that are controlling, inauthentic and which lack empathic understanding that we are at our worst.

Sometimes, being on our own is the best and most healthy option we have at that moment in time.

We should strive to be unconditionally accepting, genuine and empathic in our relationships with others and we might hope that we get the same back. But if we don’t get it back, then it is okay to walk away.

Positive relationships are worth striving for, but surely solitude is better than relationships that make us feel ill? It is in solitude that we can begin to find ourselves and the new directions in life that will take us to better relationships.

Stephen Joseph is Professor in Psychology, Health and Social Care at the University of Nottingham, a senior practitioner member of the British Psychological Societies register of psychologists who specialise in psychotherapy, and an HCPC registered health and counselling psychologist.

He is the author of “What Doesn’t Kill Us.”

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Embracing Change (when you’d rather hide away)

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Mary-Work-your-way
Business Mentor, Coach and Founder of Work your Way

It’s a brand new year. An ideal opportunity to set new goals and plan ahead for exciting new projects.

But if last year was a challenging, or even distressing one for you, you might feel yourself teetering towards a new turning point in your life.

Almost like coming to a crossroads.

I actually think it’s a little scary when you reach a crossroads in your life. Unchartered territory stretched out before you.

Which path will you take?

There’s that fleeting moment, or two, when you run through little scenarios in your mind.

When you worry about taking the wrong path.

Worry about screwing it all up.

Not being able to make things right again afterwards.

And then having to explain it all away, when you’ve got egg on your face and feel a complete and utter idiot.

All so emotionally draining.

I remember that feeling only too well, back in 2005.

I was a couple of months into my maternity leave, having just had my second child, when one day I picked up a call from a colleague.

Had I heard the news? We were all in for the chop!

The whole department – considered a boutique and surplus to requirements – was going to be disbanded.

I went from looking forward to ‘a little time off’ to bond with my new born, secure in the knowledge that I’d return to my cushy little marketing job, to wondering where on earth I’d filed the latest copy of my resumé.

Where would I find work now? Would I have to take a pay cut? How would I afford the nursery fees?

Sudden and unexpected change, can be momentarily disorienting.

But as scary as it can be, you can start  embracing change and even learn to enjoy it.

Here’s how.

Small steps in the right direction

I think it’s important to realise that when you venture out into a new direction, the answers don’t have to come to you all at once.

Embracing change
Make the most out of this year before you.

“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” Old Chinese Proverb

I love that proverb.

To me, the ‘right direction’ doesn’t necessarily mean a definite destination point. It can simply mean the right decision for you at that moment in time.

There doesn’t even have to be a right or wrong answer, you can enjoy the process of learning, uncovering and discovering along the way.

When I finally decided that redundancy could be a blessing in disguise and to give self-employment a go, I identified what I thought were my most transferrable skills at the time – writing, presentation design, marketing, people skills, to name just a few.

But for a long time afterwards, I honestly didn’t know what to do with them or how best to use them – much less make money with them.

It was a process of taking lots of little steps and following my inkling – testing things out, giving it a go, poking around forums, asking questions, networking, learning new skills on the fly, adapting them, honing them.

I’ve ended up with a business that bears little resemblance to the one I started out with.

But that’s okay.

I’ve learnt so much along the way, and able to serve others far better because of it.

When you tell yourself you’ll take it one small step at a time, there’s no pressure to ‘succeed’.

Make that first step a trip to your local bookshop to treat yourself to a beautiful journal.

The second step, an afternoon to yourself where you can explore your thoughts and jot down some ideas. Not plans. Just ideas. Dig out some magazines, newspaper cuttings, watch a movie – anything that helps to lift your mood and inspire you.

Give yourself time. You’ll get there.

Don’t write off mistakes as a #fail

We’re made to feel uncomfortable with the idea of failure, and so we try to avoid making mistakes at all costs.

But Tim Harford, in his new book ‘Adapt: Why Success Always Starts with a Failure”, argues a strong case for leveraging trial and error to better equip us for success.

In fact, he believes that we need failure in order to succeed.

“Accepting trial and error means accepting error. It means taking problems in our stride when a decision doesn’t work out, whether through luck or misjudgment. And that is not something human brains seem to be able to do without a struggle.”

There are well document examples of the world’s most successful people who have failed, at times more than once.

So failure needn’t be something to be ashamed of at all.

It’s what you choose to do afterwards – or perhaps in spite of it – that counts.

It could lead to something remarkable.

 Draw upon others for help and support

It’s not a sign of weakness if you recognise that you need support with where you want to be in life.

There are many situations in everyday life where we readily accept that we need an expert’s help or opinion – from the mundane (a plumber) to something far more serious (our GP).

Yet when it comes to a crisis in our personal life, our place of employment or our business, we battle alone valiantly, because we feel we should be able to cope.

Who can you call upon for help, to support you, to gee you up when you feel you’re flagging, to hold you accountable when you want to achieve something specific.

Whether it’s a friend, mentor or coach, it can be so reassuring to know that you have someone there by your side, who wants you to be the very best you can be.

Make the most out of this year before you.

It CAN be your year.

It can be a wonderful year.

Mary Cummings is an entrepreneur, business mentor, coach and founder of Mary Cummings Services dedicated to helping people create work that they love – whether it’s starting a business from scratch or monetising a hobby – her aim is to help them do it successfully and profitably.

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Get back on your feet

The Best Way to Get Back On Your Feet After Divorce

Published on
Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

How do some people manage to bounce back after their divorce?

One reason may be that they have had time to get used to the idea, they perhaps even instigated proceedings, knew where they would be going, what they would be doing next.

Some people though, do seem better equipped to cope with negative experiences. How do they do that? Are they doing something differently?

What is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce?

– Consider your perspective on life.

Two people can share the same everyday experience like a meal out or a cinema visit, yet have very different opinions afterwards.

Look at how you generally react to experiences. Do you tend to take things personally? Would you benefit from a more positive, resilient attitude?

– Treat setbacks as valuable lessons, ways to do things differently, perhaps even better than before. Look at how and why your relationship failed; there are often lessons to be learned by both parties, after all, you loved each other once, didn’t you?

Hurt, disappointment, rejection can teach us important lessons, allow for the opportunity to learn more about ourselves, clarify what we want and don’t want from relationships and work on our own failings and insecurities.

– Value what you have in life.

Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.

Before they divorce many people discover that the loneliest place on earth is to be in a loveless marriage where they feel increasingly unhappy. They discover that they’re much better off in a small rented place that is home than in a grand mansion where they feel unwanted and alone.

After a breakup many of us learn who are real friends are, who cares about us, who is loyal and in our corner.

– Give yourself credit as you pick up the pieces of your life. Start small, making new friends, learning how to manage on your own.

In many relationships some jobs are yours, some your partner’s. Praise yourself when you make that difficult phone call, finish something you were dreading, learn something new. Value the small successes each day and credit yourself with each accomplishment.

– Surround yourself with positive people and things. Accept offers of help and spend as much time as you can with supportive people, with people who understand how you’re feeling, want to help and yet are prepared to nudge you along

get back on your feet
Surround yourself with positive people and things

occasionally if they suspect you need it.

– Find time for reflective interests. Learn to use your free time well.

If you live alone or have shared custody of children spend some of your alone time constructively; maybe reading a book, painting, spending time in the garden, walking in the countryside. Yes, catch up on chores but commit some time to yourself as well.

– Spend time on your home. After a divorce it can be important to inject your personality into your surroundings, even if they’re only temporary or you’ve no spare money.

Use colour and textures to ensure it’s cozy, warm and welcoming. Invite people round for a coffee or supper and make your place feel homely and safe. It’s important to feel good about you home, for it to be a place you’re happy to spend time in, to be comfortable about returning to.

– Schedule things ahead so you have something to look forward to.  Art galleries and museums often have shows that are free to attend, book clubs are often looking for new members, or simply take the initiative and invite friends round for an evening, a games night, a film viewing or supper.

Dark evenings especially can seem long and devoid of fun so get on mailing lists and organize trips with friends or colleagues.

– Volunteering, charitable work, helping others can help you feel good, especially if you live on your own and find you have too much time on your hands. Simple things can help to turn your focus away from yourself, like learning to smile as you walk by, saying ‘hello’ to people first, interacting with other people, even if it feels alien and awkward to start with. Small steps all help to improve your mood.

– Accept invitations, say ‘yes’ to opportunities and gradually have a go. This is a new start for you so after a period of healing, maybe therapy where you work on your confidence, negative patterns or demons, start to step out of your comfort zone. Being receptive to new ideas and opportunities adds potential for new direction to your life.

Use your divorce as an opportunity, a new beginning, a time to rediscover yourself. There is a saying that the ultimate revenge is indifference. As you become more positive about yourself and your new life you’ll find yourself increasingly indifferent to your ex. Your new found enthusiasm and quality of life is the best way to get back on your feet after divorce.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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A Divorce Story – Tim

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A Divorce Story

Tim was adopted by a couple who already had a seven year old daughter and a nine year old son.

The parents were loving, however Tim never really connected to his siblings due to the age differences.

When Tim was thirty, he met a twenty year old woman and they married a year later. This couple had different life experiences and expectations.

Tim said that he felt set in his ways in his early thirties and his wife was more of a free spirit and wanted to have fun. She was more tolerant of the differences in people and Tim was more comfortable with familiar people and settings.

Tim knew early on that this union was a big mistake, but he thought that he would stick it out.

Their marriage lasted for several years.  He claims that his being rigid led to their divorce along with his young wife’s flitting around like a butterfly.

In his small town in Wisconsin, there were no formal support groups for divorcing people. There were generic women’s groups, but nothing for the fellows. He was not close to his siblings, so did not get the support that he needed. Tim felt that divorce was such a lonely and frustrating time.

Post-divorce he went to San Francisco to meet like-minded people. Tim felt like a stranger and encountered folks who seemed superficial. Running away did not work out for him.

Tim now lives in a medium size city in Wyoming and is happier with his life. Tim dates women closer to his age and with similar backgrounds.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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life after divorce for men
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Life After Divorce for Men – Pierre’s Story

Published on

Pierre, a talented pastry chef, lived outside of Paris and when he was thirty-five, he immigrated to America.

He opened a large bakery in San Francisco which was a tremendous success and he eventually hired a team of pastry chefs to do most of the hands on work. He developed recipes and was quite proud of his ten pastry cases.

He opened a large bakery in San Francisco which was a tremendous success.
He opened a large bakery in San Francisco which was a tremendous success.

After twelve years Pierre married a French Polynesian who was twenty-three years younger than him. He sold this successful bakery after several years of marriage, to try a new venture and he and his wife, Palila, moved to a small city in Colorado where Pierre opened a bakery/café.

Palila has a fiery temperament and Pierre is laid back. Palila is drama and Pierre is one who likes calmness. At first Pierre attributed their opposite ways of approaching life, to their age difference. They had a daughter and motherhood did not mellow Palila. Pierre could not deal with Palila’s intense energy and they clashed.

They had different views on how to run the restaurant and the tense atmosphere affected their business. Years down the road, there were less customers and the business was losing money. They closed it, got a divorce and Pierre retired.

Pierre was restless during retirement and longed to be in a commercial kitchen again. After several years of retirement, Pierre applied at a French café and was quickly hired as the pastry chef. Life was good again until Palila also started working at the same French café. Pierre thought they could work together since they were no longer married.

Drama followed Palila and she ordered the staff around as if she owned the place.  After six months, Palila was fired.

Pierre now shares his divorce wisdom with the young male staff:

  • Marry someone in your age group, not a person young enough to be your offspring. The vast age difference did not work in his circumstance.
  • Pick a partner that shares a similar temperament. Sometimes fire and water do not mix.
  • Just because you both share the same first language, that does not ensure a lasting union.
  • Choose someone that you really enjoy being with and have some common interests.
  • Pierre adds that working with an ex-spouse may not be the best idea.

Pierre is well liked at the café and has a following of devoted customers.

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Divorce Recovery and Starting Out on Your Own Again

Published on
Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

Whether or not we’re in agreement with the divorce starting out on our own again can be tough.

We may have become immune to the situation at home, the long periods of silence, the bickering, the disappearing acts and even though the eventual split often comes as a relief it can still be distressing.

Divorce recovery or starting out on our own often causes significant upheaval. It can require finding a new home, adapting our existing home, reorganising our finances, sourcing a job, arranging childcare.

Many things may need to be dealt with at a time when we’re already feeling quite low.

Here are a few tips to help if in your journey through divorce recovery and when you’re starting out on your own again:

  • Introduce your personality, some personal touches and put your mark on your home. Even if you’re renting or sharing with friends be sure you have somewhere you can call your own. Introduce colour, pictures, bright fabrics so that you have your own oasis of peace and calm. These things don’t need to cost a lot of money; throws, cushions, lovely textures and scented candles can be sourced at local markets and thrift stores but can add important touches of cosy comfort.

 

  • If you’re remaining in the family home consider rearranging the furniture, altering your bedroom so that the place has a rather different feel. You may have let some possessions go due to the divorce settlement so use this as an opportunity to change things around and add your own flair and personal style. If you’re moving with children try to include them in the process by letting them discuss some of the decisions that affect them.

 

  • There may be times when you find yourself on your own, lonely and wondering what to do. It may be tempting to bury yourself in work, domestic chores or hibernate at home for a while, but try to introduce good habits from the start. Invite friends to your place so that it starts to feel more homely. Friends will be happy to help out and contribute food or a bottle of wine if that’s a consideration for you. Have a pamper evening on your own with a pleasant supper, a leisurely bath or
    time with a film or a good book. Plan to enjoy your alone times.
divorce recovery
For divorce recovery – Plan to enjoy your alone times.

 

  • You may find that you have a lot more responsibility now that you’re on your own. If you have children ask them to start helping a little. Even young children can help a little with chores, setting the table, tidying up and it can be important for them to feel that they’re contributing to the new family dynamic.

 

  • Provide children with regular opportunities to talk. Let them know that it’s okay to contact their absent parent whenever they wish and provide times when you’re available to listen, answer any questions they may have and provide reassurance. Grandparents can be a valuable resource at these times, often able to provide children with loving support, wisdom, and plenty of time.

 

  • You may need to make an effort to bring new friends of either gender or new interests into your life. Consider the value of going to places on a regular basis.  Walking the dog, going to the gym, attending a weekly class, even shopping at the supermarket may provide opportunities for you to smile as you recognise regular faces, then gradually say hello, begin a conversation and perhaps agree to meet for coffee.

 

  • Accept invitations that you know are safe. Even unlikely invitations can open new doors for you and introduce you to people and activities you may not have previously thought about. If you have to consider childcare make the effort to befriend other parents so that you can share the responsibility and alternate lifts, sleepovers and after school care.

 

  • Be gentle with yourself. There may well be times, even when you’re with family or friends, that you feel lonely and alone. Avoid the temptation to make rash, hasty decisions and bide your time, letting yourself grieve, heal and work through your issues. Some people find that therapy can offer valuable support at this time, enabling lessons to be learned from the breakup, but whatever you decide to do, take your time, be gentle with yourself and begin to look forward to starting out on
    your own again.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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