There are often many factors that influence why we start a relationship and with whom and some of those factors can be quite complex, maybe to do with reasons other than love and attraction.
Equally there can be many more reasons why we continue in a relationship that we know is not right for us.
Let’s reflect on some of the reasons why our relationship may not be right:
– He or she is not free. Dating and being with someone who has serious commitments elsewhere, who is married or partnered is a definite no go area for many people.
But there are other people who, for a variety of reasons, find themselves drawn into a relationship with someone who is not free.
They may have been unaware that the person was already involved with another, may have found the attraction too compelling to resist or may have actually preferred a relationship with someone who was unavailable, someone who would make few demands, who would only be available part-time and as such provide a relationship free from the usual considerations and constraints.
Over time though the dynamics of this relationship may change as emotions become increasingly involved, as times occur when you want your partner to be with you, to be able to introduce him or her to family and friends, to share times together and to feel reassured that they feel love and affection for you in return.
There can gradually emerge a sense of frustration that your relationship isn’t right and a wish that he or she had dealt with their previous situation before embarking on a new relationship with you.
– Your partner is too busy.
Many people are finding that in order to do well, to be successful in their chosen business or career they have to commit to working longer and longer hours, may frequently be required to work away from home with little free time left to connect with family and friends, do their chores, have a little personal time as well as invest in a serious relationship.
It can feel a little lonely dating someone who is too busy to see you.
For a relationship like this to survive there has to be a negotiation, a conversation where you discover whether there is enough space for you in his or her life.
Are you important enough to your partner, do you need to become less reliant and perhaps a little more independent and cultivate other interests and friends, is the involvement with work a short-term situation that can be tolerated for the duration?
Discuss where you fit in and decide whether that’s okay for you or whether the relationship is not right for you.
– I don’t fancy him or her anymore.
Relationships evolve over time and the heady mix of sexual excitement, chemistry, attraction and love can transform into a more settled and comfortable partnership where you’re both able to relax and be yourselves as you become more familiar and close to each other in different ways.
In some of those relationships people find that they have drifted apart over time.
It’s interesting how the very things that attracted us in the beginning can become a turn-off; that relaxed and laid back approach to life may start to be viewed as lazy or unambitious.
We may find that we become irritated, disinterested, perhaps even bored by them.
Relationship counselling may help to address any underlying issues and find common ground to work on towards improving your relationship’s chances of survival. But look at the reasons why you’ve stayed together if you really feel that your relationship’s not right for you.
Are you staying out of fear of the unknown, concern about the alternative, financial reasons, tradition, upsetting family or friends, fear of being alone or of not finding someone else?
Look at those reasons and decide if they are sufficiently compelling to enable you to focus on becoming more positively committed to the relationship again.
Could your relationship be retrieved through counselling and effort or is it time to move on and give each other time to recover and perhaps find someone new?
– He or she doesn’t fancy me anymore.
There are few things more soul-destroying than being in a relationship with someone whom you suspect finds you boring, tedious and who clearly doesn’t want to be with you.
You may suspect that they are staying because of the children, financial implications or guilt, but being with someone who feels that way can gradually impact on your confidence and self-esteem and make you perhaps start to behave in ways that are totally out of character for you.
Some people feel compelled to try harder and harder to win their partner’s love and affection, to please their partner but to no avail. They may become angry and bitter because they are hurt and upset at the rejection. They may start drinking more or start to take less care of themselves, all as a direct consequence of feeling hurt and discarded.
Relationship counselling may help to determine where the relationship is going, whether or not it can be healed. It can play an important role in helping both parties to move forward, either together or apart, depending on what you both want or feel is suitable as an appropriate outcome.
Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.
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