life after divorce - Page 9

Divorce for Men

Finding Happiness after Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Happiness may have alluded one during marriage and finding it after divorce is high on the list.

What exactly is happiness?

It is a transient feeling which requires frequent boosters. Planning an exotic getaway, buying designer shoes on sale, or a day at the spa bring on happiness temporarily.

Once the boost is over then one looks for another fix. We are born with a set point for happiness and various studies put it between 33% to 50%. This means that how happy we are is partly due to genetics and we can control the rest.

Some people seem to be born cheerful and others more morose, as I have witnessed in the school setting.

Andrew Carnegie, the American philanthropist born in Scotland, said “If you want to be happy – set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes.”

During divorce, just surviving and getting through it may be the goal. After divorce come up with long-term ones such as exploring the world, a better financial situation or balancing family and work.  Cultivating a positive outlook helps one to view the world as a friendlier, safer place. If one expects to be treated badly, then they perceive normal interactions with others as negative.

In one study on happiness, people were asked to think about a memory. The happier folks thought of happy ones. The test subjects who were depressed gravitated towards sad or unhappy remanences.

finding happiness after divorceWhat is the secret to happiness?

Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert states “The quality of connections with people is the biggest predictor of happiness.” This message is echoed in a 75 year study by Harvard of 268 men in regards to life satisfaction and happiness. Psychiatrist George Valliant was one of the researchers who found that “The only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.”

Post-divorce focus on the quality of the connection with other people. Having several close friends brings more happiness than 500 ones on social media. What is important is engaging with others. Strengthen your ties to friends post-divorce. American psychologist Jaime Kurtz has done much research on happiness in the field of positive psychology.

To sustain happiness is to have meaning and purpose in life.

Ask yourself these questions. What inspires you? What is your passion? What drives you? If you are drifting along and not sure what you want to do after divorce, map out a life plan.

Where do you see yourself next year, in five years, in ten? Giving back to others, whether volunteering, doing pro bono work, or mentoring helps give meaning to life.

It is easy to be self-absorbed and reaching out to others creates healthy connections. Some people post-divorce started practicing gratitude, where they learned on a regular basis to appreciate the good happenings in their lives. Stop and notice the little things.

If you were on your deathbed now looking back over your life – did you accomplish all that you set out to do? What would any regrets be? What would you have left unfinished and do you have a legacy to pass on to family and friends? This is a good starting place to examine what you want to still accomplish.

People that I talked to on their deathbeds, wished they had spent more time with others or had travelled to specific destinations. Let this guide you into have a more fulfilling life which brings happiness. Schedule fun activities with friends and family. Since these only affect happiness on a short-term basis, fill your calendar with these events.

This may be the time to adopt a pet who showers you with unconditional affection. It takes time to heal after divorce, however if feeling like you cannot climb out of a black pit, then seek some help.

Wendi Schuller - Global Guide to Divorce

 

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certied in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

Her other book is The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce. Web site is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

 

photo credit: ‘Happy’, United States, New York, New York City, Noho via photopin (license)

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What is a Freelancer
/

Back to Work – What is a Freelancer?

Published on
Griselda Kumordzie Togobo
Griselda Kumordzie Togobo Owner of Forward Ladies

Being self-employed is a decision that isn’t taken lightly by most people.

The legal structure you choose to operate your business with should be taken just as seriously as the initial decision to go self-employed. This is because the legal structure impacts the potential risks, compliance issues, financial and tax implications that you will face as a self employed business owner.

Lets assume that as a first step into self-employment, you decide to trade your skills as a professional freelancer.

Freelancing and contracting tend to be used interchangeably however the main difference is with the number of clients you work with at any given time.

Whilst freelancers tend to work with several clients at a given time, contractors tend to be contracted to work with just one client over a fixed period of time. Whether you call yourself a freelancer or contractor is irrelevant to Her Majesty Revenue and Customs (HMRC), you still need to make sure that you pay the right tax on time.

HMRC are very keen on investigating “employees” disguised as limited companies in order to pay a lower corporation tax rate. This is called the IR35 status which every freelancer or contractor needs to be aware of. This can potentially create fines and huge tax charges accumulated as a result of being taxed at a lower limited company rate.

Freelancers enjoy flexibility, independence and freedom as a result of being their own boss. As a freelancer, you have the option of operating your freelance business as a sole trader, limited company, partnerships or limited liability partnerships or through a PAYE umbrella company.

What is a freelancer?  Each will be described briefly but it is always worth speaking to an accountant to decide the best structure for you.

Sole trader

A sole trader is simply someone who runs a business without registering it separately as a different entity.

This is the simplest and least cumbersome way of starting and running a business. All you need to do is inform the Inland Revenue within 3 months of starting to trade that you are now a sole trader.

The downside of being a sole trader is that you are personally liable and responsible for any debts run up by your business. This effectively means that your personal assets may be recovered to pay off any debts that your business racks up! A sole trader pays income tax and national insurance contributions on their earnings.

what is a freelancerLimited company

When you operate your freelance business through a limited company, you become a director who is responsible for managing the affairs of the business (which is considered to be separate from you).

Having a limited company offers some protection when things go wrong.

Your personal assets are protected in case the company has to be liquidated or dissolved which usually happens when the company is unable to meet its financial commitments.

You are personally protected from bankruptcy arising from business losses. This makes it easier to recover from any business failures and to try again. There are also tax advantages in the form of lower tax rates and deductible expenses for limited companies. Directors of limited companies pay both Income Tax and NICs on their director’s earnings.

 

Partnerships (ordinary or limited)

Partnerships are business where two or more persons, the partners set up a business and share the risks, costs and responsibilities of being in business.

Partners can be individuals, businesses or other partnerships. Ordinary partnerships are unincorporated businesses (the business has no separate identity from the partners). An ordinary partnership is the simplest form of partnership much like a sole trader.

With limited partnerships or limited liability partnerships the business is registered as a separate entity therefore the personal assets of the partners are protected when things go wrong, similar to a private limited company.

Each partner in any partnership needs to pay tax on their share of the profits and gains, and make National Insurance contributions on their earnings.

The main issues with incorporation (for both partnerships and limited companies) are the burden and cost of compliance. If you are however serious about running a freelance business then you shouldn’t be discouraged by the extra administration. In most cases, the benefits of incorporation far outweigh the disadvantages.

PAYE Umbrella companies

Freelancing through an umbrella company is a hustle free way of freelancing because you effectively outsource the invoicing and administrative aspect of being in business to the umbrella company who act as your employers.

The umbrella company acts as an agency and contracts you to various organisations.

The umbrella company pays you a salary through PAYE so you don’t need to worry about tax and NIC contributions but you potentially earn less than the other structures because you directly or indirectly pay for the service.

As a final word, starting any business venture is exciting but you must be certain there is a market and demand for your expertise.

Without demand, it can be stressful and an uphill struggle getting clients, which defeats the whole purpose of freelancing in the first place.

 

Griselda Kumordzie Togobo is a business consultant, speaker and coach dedicated to helping business owners increase their profits and productivity. She is a chartered accountant and holds an MPhil in Industrial Systems, Manufacture and Management from Wolfson College, Cambridge University.

I’m also an Enterprise Ambassador at Leeds University and guest lecture on entrepreneurship.

I founded AWOVI Consulting after a career with an international professional services firm where I provided business advisory services to small and medium sized Enterprises, Charities, The NHS and blue-chip companies.

I also own and run Forward Ladies where I am on a mission to make a difference in the lives of entrepreneurs as well as career women. Check it out.

 

 

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starve your fears
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Life After Divorce – Starve Your Fears: Feed Your Confidence

Published on
Susie Johns
Susie Johns
Intuitive Counsellor and Life Strategist

Language is potent. Think about it; Starve – Feed.

Most women have had or continue to have, an uneasy relationship with being healthily fed; physically and emotionally.

We diet, even starve ourselves, we lose weight and we put it back on. In order to maintain a healthy weight we have to feed our healthy emotions and starve our negative fears relating to our body image. Otherwise all we are doing is transferring the obsession from eating to not eating.

Similarly, in feeding a confidence that sustains, we have to analyse the emotional source and patterns behind our fears in order to release them.

We know that going on a starvation diet just does not work, so that is why, to build up your confidence we need to think less about starving our fears but about feeding our confidence.

We are human and therefore, flawed and it’s normal to feel irrational fears; it’s completely unrealistic to eliminate fear … it’s an important part of our flight or fight mechanism, an integral part of our psyche.

Sometimes we can starve our fears to death but mostly, we need to think more about harnessing them and working with them; understanding their source; why they come to the surface at this particular time and how to safely work it through to arrive at a more confident, experienced you. It’s a little like managing a child, in fact, your inner child.

On a wider scale, fear is used in society to control the masses.  Fear cripples us and keeps us in our place; but what place? A place chosen by society.

By that I mean your birth, your talents, your limitations that allow you to have so much ‘success’ but we will cripple you if you try to go beyond your given ‘box’.

After years of patterning, we then take up the mantle of control and limitation and do it to ourselves. We become experts at feeding our fears and giving reasons not excuses for being stuck. We no longer need an outside voice to restrict our aspirations and our achievements. We give our fears a banquet!

Do not despair. You can change – we all can.

starve your fears
starve your fears and moving on after divorce. Coping with divorce and life after divorce

Firstly, identify your main fear. With many of my clients, for example, it boils down to a constant struggle between fear of success/fear of failure.

Attaining your goal and sustaining your success can be as daunting as failure. Failure can be a familiar, oddly ‘comforting’ emotion. UNDERSTAND your fear; know its origins; look at all the situations since that time which have reinforced and fed that fear. Now you can recognise the fear each time it enters your head.

Secondly, BELIEVE that you can change and transform the fear by feeding it a powerful rather than a fearful response.

Stella, was back in the workplace after being a mum for 7 years. She had acquired a great job based on her past credentials but she was so afraid that she would blow it in her first week.

I told her to remember a moment in her life when she felt on top of her career; to visualise the scene, to feel that emotion in her body and almost be there again; that every time she felt panic, she had to starve those feelings and feed herself with the positive visualisation. She had to find other moments of success and feed them to her brain before she went to sleep and before she got up.

So we come to ‘feeling’ those moments of success in every cell of our bodies. These FEELINGS of success begin to join up and there comes a critical mass that feeds itself and thus the fear is starved.

By continuously feeding our cells with ‘success’, there is no room for sensations of ‘failure’ and this is how it will wither away.

Remember, you have been feeding yourself incorrectly for years so don’t give up if things don’t change in a week. We have to keep doing it to succeed. Your confidence will grow and grow.

The key is to work on feeding your confidence, otherwise the doing centre keeps getting fed the old messages and will, at best, do a watered down version of it. If you find yourself feeling an old fear rising, replace it with a positive feeling. Then just breathe all this in and DO it. Think of this reprogramming as a continuous part of life. Practice really does make perfect.

Breathing is a simple and powerful technique that can feed your confidence. They say everything from the blood is fed into the cells on the Out breath. So, learn to breathe in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 8 – smooth even breaths. You’ll find your heart rate calming and your body relaxing and rebalancing quickly if you focus solely on your breath.

In my line of work, the Solar Plexus Chakra (energy centre) – is seen as our seat of self-confidence. It is here that we can feel our doubts and fears when under duress.

We slouch or fold our arms across it to instinctively protect this area. So, visualise a beautiful halo of yellow light around your midriff. See if you can feel the heat radiating from within. Feel this heat melting the fear.

So, to recap, identify and UNDERSTAND your main fear; be vigilant; watch when it shows itself.  BELIEVE you can transform it into positive energy that feeds your confidence and sense of self.  Put energy into FEELING differently about yourself and your situation.  Use practical methods to create new patterns of BEHAVIOUR based on your healthy feelings. It’s in this way that you starve your fears and feed your confidence.

Finally, remember, self-confidence is not about being perfect and always getting life right. Self-confidence is about feeling comfortable with who you are, flaws and all. It’s about trusting your integrity and experience to work things out and get to where you need to be.

We can all be a better realised person but our flaws give us compassion, humility, intuition and creativity. Make sure you feed this message to yourself as well as to others.

Susie Johns is an internationally acclaimed Psychic, Intuitive Counsellor, and Life Strategist; Her classes, workshops, articles, books, and private sessions empower people everywhere through self-awareness. Her goal is to help you gain insight into the bigger picture of your life so that you can face your demons, develop a plan of action, and overcome negative patterns to achieve true fulfilment.

 

 

 

photo credit: TEDTalksLive_20151102_RL15491_1920 via photopin (license)

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Work Life Balance -Nirvana or Reality? Life after Divorce

Published on
Elaine Halligan
Elaine Halligan
London Director of
The Parent Practice

Parents and working professionals often struggle to make room for and juggle the many conflicting demands of work and career on the one hand and children and home on the other.

In tough economic times where pressure to work, and be seen to be working, harder, is increasing and the real cost of living is on the rise, “Work-Life Balance” is now more than ever, an issue.

But is it achievable? What do we want from work? What is balance? How committed are we as parents to switching off in order to look after ourselves, our lives and our families?

Or it may be that you are making the leap back into work after a gap to have and bring up children, and this can be daunting.

The landscape is different, and after time at home many mums lose their self confidence and belief about what they are good at and how they will balance all aspects of life.

Ask them to organise the household and multiple people in it at any one time – no problem – but the thought of attending an interview, a business meeting or choosing what to do career wise when priorities are now so different can feel a daunting prospect.

This is no recent phenomena and the latest literacy offering from NY author Meg Wolitzer with “The Ten Year Nap” summarises the dilemma of returning to work beautifully. Is simply being a mother enough?

Is it possible or even desirable to have it all, to be an attentive mother, a loving wife and a successful professional? How do you re-enter the market place after the gap period?

In order to be an effective parent and prevent parental burnout you do need to look after yourself and your needs – think of yourself as a chequing account which if it is continually overdrawn will be always in the red. Your resources need to be replenished in order to be most effective and efficient as a parent.

The interesting thing is that when we start to look after ourselves, we become more able to put our parenting skills in place and be more in charge. For many parents continuing in or returning to the workplace is essential in order for them to value themselves in their multi faceted job description – mother; wife; chief entertainment officer; taxi service; cook; cleaner; laundress; banker; PA and whatever else comes with being a Mum!

If this means that after a period at home looking after the children the time has come to step out into the workplace, then questions like this may be running through your mind:

  • What am I good at?
  • What type of work do I really want to do?
  • Have I got the skills or do I need to retrain?
  • How will I juggle working with a busy family life and still feel a sense of balance?
  • Is it possible to find a role which fits with school times?
  • Do I set up my own business, and if so, how?
  • How can I carry on being the parent I want to be if I’m working?
  • Will I be failing my children if I’m not giving them all my attention?
  • How do I persuade my employer to take me back after maternity leave on terms that work for me?

If you feel returning to work is a Nirvana, maybe it can become a reality and the ever elusive work life balance can be achieved. However you need to be clear about where you priorities lie and perhaps accessing some life coaching may be of benefit.

No doubt when you have those precious limited times with your children you don’t want to be in the role of ‘sergeant major’, barking instructions and winding up in disputes.

We know that working parents often experience a lot of guilt about the time they’re able to spend with their kids so you want the time spent at home to be harmonious and your children to be happy, cooperative and thriving.

Whatever your position – either in the work place or thinking of returning to work, a work life balance can be achieved when you are clear about your priorities and have the tool kit of skills on hand to ensure children feel good about themselves so that their confidence, motivation and behaviour improve. Work life balance can be achieved if there is harmony at home.

The London director of The Parent Practice, Elaine has been a parenting facilitator since 2006, teaching parents in the Wimbledon and Clapham centres. 

She works in schools and nurseries, coordinates our corporate and business seminar programme and works with special educational needs such as dyslexia, dyspraxia and dyscalculia. 

Elaine sees many of our clients in private consultations.

Elaine came into parenting thinking she should instinctively know how to parent.   She sought parenting advice when she felt guilty when she thought she had done a ‘bad job’ and ashamed when she saw someone else parenting the way she wished she could. Being a parent is the most demanding job she has ever done but equally it is a role filled with joy.

Elaine has helped hundreds of families to understand their child’s unique temperament and motivates parents to bring out the best in children and teenagers to ensure they have the opportunity to lead fulfilling lives and be able to cope with life’s knocks.

 

 

 

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being friends with your ex

Being Friends with your Ex – Is it Possible?

Published on
Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh

Often after a breakup there’s considerable hurt and disappointment to process as well as the many practical considerations that require attention.

Some people say they feel a failure; they never envisaged that their relationship would end in divorce. They may feel partly to blame or that they are letting down family, friends.

In addition it may be a massive struggle to come to terms with the various upsetting things that have been said and done.

Time often eases the hurt, enables the rawness to subside, and eventually some people do succeed in having an amiable enough relationship with their ex. This is especially important if children are part of the equation.

 

With that in mind let’s look at some ways you could start being friends with your ex again:

It may have been that a couple initially got together when they were young and didn’t know what they wanted or fully appreciate what was expected from a long-term relationship. Then there may have been massive readjustment at leaving work to become a stay-at-home parent or juggling the responsibilities of becoming the major breadwinner. This can be overwhelming and introduce unexpected, ongoing stress and pressure into a relationship.

  • Relationship counselling can be helpful in managing the negative emotions, conflict and potential breakup of a relationship. Two people are often in very different places emotionally, especially when a relationship is falling apart. It may be that one person perceives the other as being unreasonable or over-reactive. Relationship counselling can help both parties listen, appreciate and understand each other’s point of view.

Counselling can help improve communications by providing a neutral, safe, supportive environment. Some people have even been known to reconcile as a direct consequence of their improved understanding of each other through relationship counselling.

  • If that’s not going to happen then successfully managing a breakup and staying friends with your ex can include addressing your own ‘demons’. Learning from what went wrong is an important part of the healing process. If one part of a couple comes from a difficult background where they, for example, witnessed an acrimonious divorce or experienced harsh treatment like bullying, abuse or betrayal, they may be especially sensitive to any hint of rejection or feeling disrespected. Their partner may not understand why they are so sensitive or defensive.

Personal counselling can be an important part of your individual recovery and help you avoid repeating negative patterns in any future relationships.

  • Collaborative law is often regarded as the humane way to divorce, but both parties have to be committed to the process. Sitting around a table with various experts, financial advisers, counsellors and lawyers can enable proceedings to work smoothly and avoid the need for expensive or contentious court hearings. Both parties have to agree to each stage of the process and it works by treating them both with a ‘we don’t want to be together but let’s separate with mutual respect and dignity’ approach. Collaborative divorce supports future communication and co-operation, especially when children are involved.
  • It’s important not to forget that your ex probably knows you better than anyone else. They know, or certainly knew about your day-to-day fears, issues, concerns and have shared and hopefully supported you throughout those times. You used to love each other, laugh together, share your hopes and dreams, were made to feel special; you planned on being together forever. When a split occurs it means the end of that intimate day-to-day relationship, but reflecting on elements of your shared history and connectivity may be possible and enable you to remain friends, if not lovers.
  • It’s not uncommon to find some couples who actually get on better after their divorce. The day-to-day arguments, niggles and irritations have been removed as they resume being two separate, independent individuals. Some people even find that they rediscover their original attraction once the pressure of living together has been relieved. Their familiar shared history and connection can be a powerful magnet. After understanding and talking through the underlying reasons for the split it may be possible to start again and build a stronger relationship than before. It’s important though to take time to reflect, discuss and address what went wrong.

Time apart can enable both of you to become independent and clearer about what’s right for you, what you need and don’t need from a relationship. These insights may support you becoming friends again, perhaps on a different, more relevant footing for the future.

 

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit www.lifestyletherapy.net

 

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going into business after divorce

Going into Business After Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce brings changes into one’s life with the opportunity to embark on a new career path.

You may decide to train for a different field which you are passionate about.

Plenty of people have opened cafes, boutiques or became entrepreneurs. The trick is not to jump into starting a business without doing the groundwork first, no matter how exciting your idea is.

  • Do market research to see how feasible your idea is and to determine your target group of consumers. Some hire a professional to analyse the competition and if the product will fulfil a need. They will look at demographics and suggest a location if it is to have a physical place.  Make sure you found a niche or are presenting something in a unique way, whether online or not. For example, if you dream of making cakes and the result of a market analysis shows there are already two shops selling them, do it differently. Perhaps produce luscious cupcakes and traditional European cookies in a coffee house setting for better sales.
  • Write a detailed business plan. This includes determining the cost of each unit, where it will be made and logistics, such as the shipping from a factory. Will you make a product yourself or hire staff?  Think about web site design, start-up costs, how you plan to market it and cover all aspects of your business.  Globally there are charities which help budding entrepreneurs write a business plan or mentor when getting started with a business. There are templates online to help one with this task. Banks will need to examine your business plan to decide whether to give a loan. Will you be selling online exclusively or is there a possibility of wanting a store?
  • Sort out your financial situation. Can you cover the start-up yourself or with loans from friends and family? Will you try to get funding such as with Go Fund Me or Crowdfunding?  Some charities make small loans when banks will not do so. You may want to keep you day job or at least go part time until some money starts trickling in. Talk to or hire an accountant. Start cutting your living expenses now.

Going into Business After DivorceThere are special considerations when going into business with a friend.  Sometimes a Type A and Type B may not get on well.

In one case two teachers were going into business together and started designing teaching materials to be sold online. They had the business plan done and were being mentored by some retired professionals. However the Type A demanded that the Type B keep a log of how many hours she worked and then insisted upon a bigger share than the 50/50 legally agreed upon split.

She also mandated that her friend take some college courses on social media and so forth. It was a spectacular blow up that ended their business partnership. Make sure that you can work with someone and can calmly discuss issues that are bound to come up in your business.

Have a solicitor draw up a business contract when going into business with someone else.

This will cover the eventuality that one wants to quit and how to have an exit plan. If one partner dies, how will the heirs get some compensation? It could be a nightmare if they try to step in and co-run your business.

The solicitor will put solutions into the contract with both of your input. Also they will handle legally setting up and registering your company to be in compliance with taxes. There may be a clause how to handle disputes, such as with arbitration.

Realistically, do you have the time for this new endeavour?

It can be easy to underestimate what a big chunk of your life it will be. Just take your time to think about things and not be in a rush as these two women were. They decided to sell upscale lunch bags and travel t-shirts online without a business plan.

The lunch bags are lovely, but more suitable for a shop where people could appreciate their quality. They did not check out the online competition which was significantly cheaper. When deciding to forgo online sales, the bags were not a good fit for their community in which most of the buyers would be tourists looking for Native American goods.

Know your target market to make sure your product will be appealing. Look at starting a new business as an adventure and expect a few bumps in the road. Having a sense of humour and taking some time out for yourself will make this new chapter in your life a bit easier.

 

Wendi Schuller - Global Guide to Divorce

 

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certied in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

 

 

 

photo credit: Women In Tech – 92 via photopin (license)

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Finances After Divorce

Published on
Finances after Divorce
Mary Waring
Independent Financial Advisor

In an ideal world you will receive sufficient settlement from the divorce to ensure you can achieve all that you want to achieve after divorce, lead the life you want to lead and not run out of money.

When there are sufficient funds available there’s no reason why this wouldn’t be the case.

But what happens if there isn’t sufficient funds for this?

Various settlement options will be looked at as part of your divorce negotiations and it’s important to choose the option which is best for your circumstances.

My experience is that frequently the wife wants to stay in the family home and the husband wants to keep his pension intact. He views the pension as “his” money compensating him for the hours he’s put in at the office.

Staying in the family home can often be an easier option for the wife. In a period of extreme upheaval and uncertainty it can be really comforting to have some stability, and it causes the least disruption for the children.

Accepting the home in the settlement also solves an immediate need whereas pension income seems a long way off and therefore much lower down the list or priorities.

However, before you decide this is the outcome you want, you must consider the wider implications of being awarded the home and therefore potentially receiving no pension share.

If you do not work outside the home, or you are in a part time role for child care reasons, you may have very little pension income in your own right.  What will you live on when you get to retirement age?

Basic state pension is currently £5,727.80 each year, which only comes to £477 per month. The government is currently proposing an increase to the state pension to £144 per week. But that is still only £624 per month.

country house
Accepting the home in the settlement also solves an immediate need

Once you have paid all your utilities (gas, electric, water, council tax etc) and bought your food there is likely to be very little left. Therefore it’s very important to take this into account at the negotiation stage.

Don’t wait until you are close to state pension age to consider it. The closer you get to state pension age the less time there is to plan and take corrective action if you are unlikely to have sufficient retirement income.

Women will often work on the basis that there is an option to downsize the house. But do you know how much that is likely to raise? Emotionally it can often be difficult to downsize the family home at this stage since you have memories of happy family times there. You’ve also probably got used to having the children/grandchildren come to stay and having their own rooms.

The time to look at your options for when you retire are during the divorce negotiations themselves, even though retirement may be many years in the future. Retirement will often seem such a long way off that it’s pushed to the back of your mind.

Decisions about your divorce settlement are more than just what share of the joint assets will be awarded to you. It also then comes down to a decision as to what assets you will receive to make up that share. Don’t assume that splitting your assets 50:50 and you getting the house will automatically be the same outcome as splitting your assets 50:50 and you downsizing now and taking a pension share too.

Work with your financial adviser to see which option allows the funds to last the longest. This will then be financially the route which is most appropriate for you. Now of course, there are emotional issues at stake at this time and so decisions won’t just be made based on logic.

The figures may show that your money will last longer if you downsize now, but it’s not emotionally something you feel up to at the minute. If so, revisit this decision in say a year’s time. Maybe at that stage you will be feeling emotionally stronger and ready to take this step.

The important thing is that when you make the decision about your financial settlement, you are making it based on all available knowledge. You may still choose to make your decision based on your emotional response. But at least you know this, and then address the issue again at a later stage.

Mary Waring

www.mary-waring.co.uk

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New Year's Eve Fun Post-Divorce

New Year’s Eve Fun Post-Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce is particularly challenging during the holiday season.

One is used to having a date for New Year’s Eve and now for the first time in several decades, one is alone.

Take stock of your situation and decide if you want to be with others or hole up at home.

It is nice when family members are nearby and would enjoy your company watching global festivities on the telly (as I did with my mum the first two New Year’s Eves post-divorce).

Get in your sister’s good graces by offering to watch your little nephews on that evening. Get the word out among friends and co-workers that you are available to babysit. Plan something fun to do with those extra pounds earned, maybe a spa treatment or two.

Near the end of my unhappy marriage, I did taxes one New Year’s Eve.  After my divorce, I knew any New Year’s Eves would top some of the ones I had while still married.

Putting my life in perspective helped me to move on and enjoy the holiday.

If you want to spend New Year’s Eve home alone, you can say that you already have plans, if asked. Otherwise, well-meaning friends may want to drag you along to some gatherings with their social circle. Save an exciting new novel for that evening.

Try out the pampering products that you received for Christmas. Catch up on that boxed set of DVDs with a New Year’s Eve marathon. Go to bed early if you do not care to ring in the new year right at midnight. Then wake up feeling refreshed rather than hung over, as when still married.

One friend hosted an incredibly fun New Year’s Eve party at her house.

She did not have to worry about having a date, and neither did we singletons. People brought booze or food and celebrated into the wee hours. That is an option, to have people over and not deal with dating before one is ready. Or get some pals together and have a dinner at one’s flat.

Now that you are divorced, see what your single friends are doing to get ideas or to join in their fun.

Post-divorce, I was on a cruise ship for two New Year’s Eves with my sons. There were extravagant decorations, much fanfare, not to mention the scrumptious nearly midnight buffet. The dance floor was so crowded, that a partner was not required. The festivities included a show, concerts, and a raffle on the second cruise.

I won the grand prize of a cruise for two, so my evening was ever so exciting.

Consider going away, as several other divorced friends have done. One went on a group tour to India, and she enjoyed the camaraderie of the other travellers. Another woman took her kids to Sri Lanka and the hotel was decorated beautifully and her kids learned how New Year’s is celebrated elsewhere. Closer to home are lovely country hotels with holiday packages and festivities.

My divorced mother used to work on New Year’s Eve as a nurse. She was around other people and the employees had a potluck party. The patients’ families remembered the staff with more goodies. Perhaps working is an option and then you can avoid this holiday when it is painful.

If New Year’s Eve is depressing consider doing your celebrating on New Year’s Day as we do.

My sons will be out and about on the Eve, and I will be with my cats.  We spend New Year’s Day together. My sons and I watch the telly during brunch, then get a latte out before seeing a film. We come home and have a delicious, but easy meal.

People are not paired up on New Year’s Day, as they are on the Eve, so this could be the time to celebrate with friends. If holidays seem unbearable, consider seeing a divorce coach to get you back on track. Distraction is a good method to get through this holiday when feeling lonely.

 

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Best European River Cruises

Best European River Cruises and Those Markets

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

My sons and I had wanted to do this for a decade and finally went on a Viking River Cruise last December originating in Budapest and terminating in Munich.

Although we had been to most of the places before, these cities are very different at this time of year with the incredible wooden stalls decked out in Christmas finery.

Pack for both Artic and spring like conditions as weather can be a bit unpredictable. Throw in a few smart outfits for the evenings, but nothing formal. The beauty of river cruises as opposed to ocean ones, is that they are docked in the centre of the city in the midst of the festivities.

The Christmas markets are usually about a ten minute walk from the ship, which is lovely for quick strolls after dinner. The wooden stalls full of toys, ornaments, food and much more are lit up like a fairyland in the evenings. What is nice about these markets is that one is buying directly from the artists, bakers and toymakers. The markets are often in the heart of the city near the shops, which makes ticking items off your holiday gift list quite easy.

Best European River Cruises
There are fab markets to visit during the European river cruises.

A Christmas river cruise is on a ship of around 100 to 150 passengers.

There is much mixing and interactions among the passengers. Meals are open seating with dinner at a specified time with beer and wine included. Activities take place in the lounge and this is a time to mingle with others.

One night we had a German Children’s Choir who sang carols in either German or English. They were adorable. There are a variety of lectures, concerts, folkloric dances, a cooking demonstration and so much more. There is an on board library with reference books and games. There are shelves of books that others can take and replace with one that they have read.

I really like the cappuccino/hot chocolate machine that is available round the clock. In the afternoons, local cookies and pastries are provided. The young European staff are amazing and the concierge will arrange for tickets, taxis, reservations or whatever is desired on shore. The holiday décor on the ship is exquisite.

The itinerary includes city excursions which may very slightly during the winter. In the summer we went to a marvellous organ concert in Passau, Germany. On we went to a gingerbread store that had been in the same family for generations instead. It was interesting learning about the different types of gingerbread and nibbling on the samples.

One Christmas market was a bit of a drive, and that was in lovely Salzburg. Fun to see where “The Sound of Music” was filmed. They had quite an extensive market and a very walkable city.

The markets in various cities have specialities. We got the potato dish in Bratislava and the cheese recolette in Salzburg, and Munich. Bratwurst was prevalent everywhere.

Hot mulled wine was available in all of the markets and even in the gingerbread shop in Passau. Budapest had unique baked goods as did the other markets. Viking gives handouts on what to buy, both in crafts and food at each market. They explain what is unique in the markets and cities being visited. Their history of the regions and maps are helpful.

This trip was my Christmas present to my sons and we arrived home on December 21st. I bought a few treats on the trip for Christmas morning. This river cruise to the Christmas markets was magical and is a worthwhile addition to anyone’s Bucket list.

 

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Children and Divorce

Cruising at Christmas Post-Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

One way to start new Christmas traditions is to get away from it all and wipe the slate clean after divorce.

No more “this was what we did when we were still married last Christmas Eve.”

One happily divorced woman who is now my friend, went on a Christmas/New Year’s cruise solo. She chose to surround herself with many people and felt the Christmas spirit. Not needing a date to dance the night away on New Year’s Eve was a bonus.

On cruises, there are often get-togethers for the single passengers of all ages. Beats moping around one’s flat when friends are occupied with their own holiday plans.

Both my sons and I did two holiday cruises on Cunard’s QE2 with my husband and mother. Then just the three of us did two post- divorce ones on Holland America.

What are holiday cruises like?

The anticipation starts months ahead of time when selecting the destinations. The cruises are a nice mix of exploring other cultures during the day and consuming scrumptious meals on board while possibly being serenaded by a string quartet. It was a unique experience hearing a steel band in the Caribbean playing carols and seeing Gibraltar decked out in Christmas decorations.

There are different types of entertainment – concerts, musicals, comedians, magic shows, plus much more. Other activities are lectures, cooking demonstrations, computer classes, quizzes, and bridge, just to mention a few. One can be sociable or chill out reading in a quiet corner. The kids are kept busy and the single parents get some alone time or to interact with other adults. The staff puts on a show and sings carols.

cruising after divorce The QE2 had a traditional British Christmas which included a hilarious pantomime. Holland America embraced its Dutch heritage with their special foods and celebrations.

I packed my sons’ Christmas stockings with several small gifts. I picked up something on the trip, a local t-shirt or souvenir, since the cruise is their present. Having just a few stocking stuffers to open gets the focus off material goods and puts the emphasis on shared experiences. At home we never attended so many holiday programs or ate such feasts as we did on board.

The ships were decorated exquisitely and not having to take down the tree and so forth is a gift in itself. The time we did not spend getting tasks done in the frenetic holiday season meant we could bond in a stress-free environment. A few singles told me that they tucked away presents from their families and looked forward to opening them on Christmas Day. If you enjoy a surprise, consider going to a shop with items you like (skin serum for me) and pay them to wrap up something you can have on Christmas day.

The adults seemed to enjoy Father Christmas’s appearance on Christmas almost as much as the children.

He and the elves gave out presents while the adults sipped their spiked egg nog. My twenty-two year old was excited that Father Christmas remembered the college kids on board too.

A priest conducted lovely Christmas Eve and Day masses (actually every day). Classic holiday movies are shown in the cinema and being on this type of cruise is truly magical.

Book early since the holiday ones sell out.

I bring two non-religious holiday cards and put a little cash in them. One is a present for our cabin steward and the other for the waiter and the assistant at our table.  The money I do not spend on gifts, decorating, entertainment and food pays a chunk of the cruise price. It is possible to get cruise ships out of Southampton and other UK ports which saves on transportation costs.

As a single mother it is easier to budget for a cruise holiday, since I know the costs up front. We drink water and do not have added fees, such as a beverage or alcohol package. We eat in the main dining room which is included, and forgo the pricey specialty restaurants which are not. Some cruise lines include shore excursions in their price and others alcohol with meals. Look carefully at what is included and do some comparison shopping.

I asked various singles if they felt lonely on a cruise over the holidays and their answers were a big “no.” On the various holiday and regular cruises, quite a few passengers are travelling on their own.

Bon Voyage!

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

life after divorce for men

Men Dealing with Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Several men stated that post-divorce is the opportunity for change and be can be the catalyst for trying something new.

They said when their divorced friends clung to the past they did not fare as well in the post-divorce period.  The past cannot be altered, but knowledge gained can be invaluable for moving on.

Terry was adamant that men have to do work on themselves after a bad break up before getting into a new relationship.

His buddies that got divorce number two did not pause to reflect upon their part which ended the marriage and what could be done differently the next time around.

He advises men not to rush into a new partnership too quickly and make sure they understand how to communicate more effectively. He had a session with a therapist and has been blissfully wedded to his second wife for fifteen years.

One man feels that he got a divorce too quickly and could have worked out differences with his wife.

He tells other men not to be in a rush for a divorce when hitting a bad patch during marriage. They did not have marital counselling which may have gotten their relationship back on track. He has a job which involves frequent travel and he misses his two young daughters.

He jumped into a new relationship right away and has doubts about being with this new girlfriend. This “what if” situation is keeping him in a holding pattern and he is not moving on. Be clear that a relationship is truly over before getting into another one.

Some men commented that some of their divorced peers were living on junk food. Dr Kawachi of the Harvard School of Public Health’s study of 30,000 men indicated this result.

Men Dealing with Divorce
Men Dealing with Divorce: Research shows a decrease in a healthy lifestyle.

Recently divorced men tended to have a decrease in a healthy lifestyle, partly due to eating less vegetables and consuming more fried food. Although this is changing, in many households, women were the main chefs during marriage. In the States, there is a trend for single men to take some basic cooking classes which then negates this issue of divorce.

The New England Research Institute’s research indicates that 62% of men relied on their wives as their principle social support. Studies by various universities correlate having friends and a good social network positively impacts the immune system in reducing the frequency of colds and the flu.

Others show the healthy effect of a wide social circle on longevity. For example, a study done at Flinders’ University in Australia found that 22% of 1500 older subjects who had many friends, outlived those who only had a few. Men that get out and meet new people or strengthen the bond already made with others, tend to have an easier time post-divorce, than their less connected peers.

Men that have routines felt that they had more control in their lives or knew what to expect in the turbulent divorce period. Some have specific routines with their children, such as a Saturday morning breakfast out or Sunday afternoon engaging in physical activities or sports. Some take the kids or go solo to their parents’ place for a weekly get-together. Others set up weekly meets at the pub with mates for darts. Building weekly fun or interactions into the schedule got some guys through the craziness of divorce.

Consider watching the hilarious film “The Odd Couple” with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. These two fellows navigate the post-divorce period with a lot of laughs and some mistakes. Great fun.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

south america tours with children

South America Tours with Children

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Travelling to South America is doable with youngsters, when staying in a central location and taking day trips.

My young sons and I stayed in Cuzco, Peru and took excursions to must-see attractions nearby. My travel agent arranged for a packaged trip with hotels, meet & greet at airports, and a personal guide with a car.

My kids were too young to be on a group tour – yet we got a great price with these services bundled together.

One day we took the train to the astounding Machu Picchu and did a guided tour in a group once there. Consider going to this site near the beginning of the trip in case the kids get burned out on Inca ruins, plus it is at a lower altitude than Cuzco.

Having our guide with a car meant that the boys could linger playing with llamas and spend less time hearing detailed histories of Inca sites when tired. We could tell the guide just to hit the highlights when our energy was flagging.

One day we passed a lovely inn in the Urubamba Valley and our guide said we would have lunch there a bit later. If the kids are hungry, let your guide know. Ours took us to the town of Ollantaytambo with spectacular ruins. I cut it short, informing the guide that we three were hungry and needed to eat. Clarify what “a bit later” really means and explain when the optimal lunch time is for your family.

The outdoor markets are colourful, full of activity, and a fun way to soak up culture. The Pisac market is on the itineraries and is full of hand knitted wares, musicians and good food. The prices were almost double of the one on the outskirts of Cuzco. Kids can blow off energy running around and looking at the enticing goods.

The altitude of Cuzco is 3400 meters, so have an easy day upon arrival to acclimate. Drink plenty of cocoa leaf tea to help ward off altitude sickness. I took Diamox before and during the trip to prevent altitude sickness. Cuzco is a lovely city with colonial buildings and beautiful churches with ornate décor.

The main plaza is a lively place but use your intuition if a situation does not seem right. Local children surrounded one son and wanted to “borrow” his Gameboy. When I stepped in and confiscated it, the children dispersed quickly. My son later said he was afraid of them. There are a variety of restaurants and we enjoyed cheese fondue at a Swiss one.

South America Tours with Children
South America Tours with Children – One day we took the train to the astounding Machu Picchu .

Buenos Aires is a family-friendly city with a European feel and a good subway system.

We have been here several times over a four day period in November. That is a good month to go, which is their spring with the jacaranda trees covered in lavender blooms.

On the first trip we went to a gaucho ranch in the countryside with horses. They had an elaborate lunch with a cultural show which was fun.

Most hotels have day trips such as this one, so no need to plan ahead. We mostly went to the fabulous Botanical Garden which contains 5000 species of plants, fountains and greenhouses.

The big draw for us are the cats, who many were former pets. They are well taken care of and fed in this paradise. We saw some familiar faces with subsequent trips, and happily others had been adopted. They are friendly and sat on our laps. Take some cat food with you when visiting this lovely place.

Nearby in this Palermo district is the exquisite Japanese Garden. My boys enjoyed wandering around and stopping for a snack in the Japanese Tea house. On another day, we would walk to the zoo after the Botanical Garden.

Every day we went to the Galerias Pacifico shopping mall which was originally a Beaux Arts Building. The cupola has lovely frescos and this beautiful place has interesting shops and cafes. We got great food and especially enjoyed the lemon meringue pie and coffees. In the pedestrian only area outside of the Galerias Pacifico, there are people performing the classic Argentine tango.

Near our hotel was a McDonalds which served Argentine beef burgers which is easy on the budget. We stayed a short walk away in the Plaza San Martin area with a park. Skip the tiny San Martin subway station where we witnessed a mugging. Instead, walk the ten minutes and use the larger one near Galerias Pacifico. Buenos Aires is a shopper’s paradise with well-priced leather goods, tinwork (I bought picture frames) and other fun stuff for kids.

A friend took her sons on a week cruise around the Galapagos Islands and they were thrilled with all of the wildlife on this adventure.

Two acquaintances from Brazil, go back almost yearly and have talked about how much their kids enjoy that country.

South America has reasonably priced hotels and meals which is wonderful when one’s finances may be tight post-divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

You might be interested in

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