life after divorce - Page 11

Divorce is not a License to Destroy

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Amicable divorces are not the norm but this doesn’t mean that life after divorce need be one that’s burdened with the same emotions that you carried through the process.

Moving on from a breakup or moving on from divorce doesn’t mean you have to destroy to feel whole again.

Judging by the emails we receive from time to time, long running anger and resentment is pretty common even after several years of living and being apart.

Couples long divorced who won’t attend their grandchildren’s christening if the ex is going to be present.

And the ones who refuse to be part of their children’s wedding if their ex spouse is coming with his/her new partner.

There are a whole lot of powerfully negative emotions associated with divorce.  There’s anger, there’s hate, and all the ones associated with grief and loss.

But anger seems to be the most prevalent especially during the divorce process.  And, as it’s well known, the source of anger is usually hurt.  Someone gets hurt and wants to hurt back.

But despite all this, divorce is not a license to destroy.

Here’s why:

  • Because, if anything, you both played a role in the final breakdown of your marriage.  If you don’t agree, ask yourself these questions.  Did you say yes to marrying him/her?  Did you ignore signs, hints and/or red flags around you at the time of dating?  Do you believe that you are absolutely not responsible in any, any way for the end of your marriage?  What could you have done different?
  • Because, where children are concerned, it stops being about you and your anger.  Of course you can express it as you please because it’s vital for the healing process that you do so, but don’t involve the children, don’t use them as messengers, advocates or spies and don’t involve them in adult issues.  What they really need right now is the adult in the room to provide them with security and affection so that their already shattered world is not destroyed beyond repair.   And that adult is you.
  • Because, unless there’s cause for concern, the relationship that the children have with the other parent is their relationship alone.   Divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship between the children and the other parent by holding them hostage because you’re not happy or due to lack of child support payments and increasing any negative effects of divorce on children.  Don’t be the one whom the children grow up to resent and begrudge because you arrested and broke a relationship that was so dear and critical to them.
  • Because anger is toxic.  Anger eats you up, not the person that it’s directed towards and holding on to it will not help you along your journey of living with or coping with divorce.  You operate with high levels of adrenaline and cortisol which affect your immune and cardiovascular systems.  Release the anger and you free yourself.  Yes, easier said than done but it’s definitely not impossible.  As Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”
  • Because the emotions of divorce cause you to hold yourself hostage to a past and a person you wish to rid yourself off.  Those emotions become you, you carry them and identify with them.  Then here on, those whom you meet along your way only get to know the person whose mind and soul carry anger and resentment.
  • Because no one can make you do anything you don’t want to.  This means that we are totally responsible for our actions, unless of course there’s a gun or some sort of threat involved.  But when we make decisions to behave a certain way, or do something destructive then that simply falls on our shoulders.  It’s all about taking responsibility.

Divorce is tough and can be ugly.  Destructive emotions run high, very high sometimes.

But it’s very possible to contain those feelings and stopping yourself from becoming either verbally or physically destructive.

There are so many ways.  It’s just a matter of finding what works for you and making your life after divorce as happy as you can get it to be.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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forgive and forget

Can you Forgive and Forget?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

So here’s the story…

My really good friend, Samantha (definitely not her real name) has been divorced for almost 7 years now but if you met her today, you would think it all happened 15 days ago. 

She goes on and on about her useless, lying, cheating ex-husband!

I don’t think Sam has one friend who has  not tried to encourage her to move on.  

“I have moved on!  Of course I’ve moved on!  Otherwise I wouldn’t be dating would I?”  She sings, “I have forgiven him but I will never, ever forget!”  That statement right there has become her line of defence, the  soundtrack to her life. 

In your own situation, have you been able to forgive and forget?

“I will forgive but I never forget” is one of those phrases that we use all the time.

Thing is such a phrase doesn’t actually mean anything.  So you can say what you like but the big question is this: At the end of the day do you have emotional closure?” Answer is no.  You see if you never forget it means that you keep remembering and when the memory hits you, your emotions are affected, especially when you are determined never to forget.

By not forgiving –

  • You have chosen to hold yourself hostage to your own past.  You have given up the power to not only create a new happy future but also surrendered the ability to enjoy the here and now.  No one else is doing this to you but you.  Like some once said, “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”  Try it and see.
  • forgive and forget
    “Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.”

    While you continue on your unforgiving route, you carry other emotions that can be so pervasive that they consume you and affect the way you are with others including friends, partners and your children.   To be unforgiving brings in anger and resentment, emotions that affect your heart and your mind.  Thing is, if you really want to “teach” your ex a lesson then forgive him/her.  Like Oscar Wilde said  “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”

  • Did you know that there are physiological benefits to forgiveness? Very briefly, here’s how:  when you carry a negative laden emotion such as being in the state of unforgiving (which carries other emotions such as anger and hurt), your body will continue to release such hormones as adrenaline and cortisol.  These will then affect both your immune and cardiovascular systems which can then make you vulnerable to illness and diseases. But when let go off those emotions then your body settles down and starts to return to self-regulation or self-healing.  What does forgiveness really mean?  Why is it so important to our wellbeing?  If you would like to know more watch Deepak Chopra’s video here on “How Does Forgiveness Heal” and read more here.

In the meantime, Sam’s ex has remarried, has a new family and has moved to a new city.  As for my dear friend any man who comes her way – “Not interested.  They are all the same” she sings.

Forgiving is not easy and maybe you need to learn how to forgive yourself first before you begin with anyone else.  Learn to forgive?  That’s freedom!  That’s a gift you give to yourself.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you is soul-destroying.
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Shame you’re Divorced

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What is Reiki www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Ever since launching The Divorce Magazine, one thing has become clear and obvious: being divorced is something to be ashamed off, it’s something that you want to hide as much as possible and it’s not a status you want to own or be associated with.

This has been indicated in two ways.

Firstly, I have been asked, over and over again why I chose to call this magazine, The Divorce Magazine.  Could I not find something more…gentle, nicer?

At a recent networking event one of the attendees informed me that she had been thinking of launching a magazine about divorce.

She went on to explain that she was still planning on doing so but she was going to call it something different, “something really lovely.  I find using the word divorce in the title a bit too harsh.  I wouldn’t want to be seen reading it.”

Secondly in the business world of Linkedin, some friends and acquaintances have said that they would rather not be connected to me because they didn’t want anything to do with Divorce to be seen as being part of their connections.  “People would begin to wonder what was going on in my marriage.” Or, “I don’t want potential employers or clients to see that I am connected to those working in divorce or separation.  It just doesn’t look good”

Finally and which is very closely tied to the previous point, is to do with Facebook.

my marriage
Being divorced is something to be ashamed off,

Facebook is more of a social site unlike Linkedin which is about business connections – you don’t talk about what you had for lunch here.

This is where you get personal and tell all that you want to all that are interested or not.  You show off your holiday photos and like and unlike other members posts, photos and videos.  And where Facebook is used for business purposes, the messages and posts are also more emotion based, intimate and friendly.

People see you and what you get up to and it is for this reason, as in the Linkedin point, that people have said they are reluctant to like the page because, again, “People will wonder what they have been up to what is going on in their lives.”

While I totally understand this, it just goes to show just how strong and negative a stigma divorce still holds in our lives, communities and society, so much so that your decision to hire someone or not will be based on her Linkedin connection to some who founded a magazine called “The Divorce Magazine.”

I recently wrote an article for the Huffington Post on a very similar subject but from a personal angle.

I find that unless we begin to look at divorce as part of our life’s journey, as something that happened but that doesn’t define us who we we are, then we will continue to hold it in darkness, in shame and in guilt.

We will continue to whisper about it and beat ourselves up when we go through it and label ourselves as “failed” in one of the biggest areas of our lives.

Unfortunately divorce is here and doesn’t seem to be going away.

Fortunately divorce is here so we have a means to right a wrong that would otherwise condemn some of us to lives of misery and sorrow for the sake of keeping up appearances.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Say What you Mean and Say It Well

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Author of “Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain.”

Sometimes it can be tempting to second-guess how others and especially our partner will react to a given situation.

This mindset can escalate if we have begun to feel uneasy about saying how we’re feeling or become apprehensive at voicing our requests. We may have hesitations or concerns as to how we will be treated if we do.

This attitude can put us at a disadvantage before we even open our mouths and cause unwarranted tension and stress in our relationship.

If we anticipate problems, setbacks and disapproval before anything has even been said, then we risk creating a false impression of the other person in our minds that can gradually translate into a hostile environment.

So, let’s look at those times when you’ve got something to say and find ways to say it well:

 – Avoid prejudging the other person’s responses and reactions as it can affect how we communicate with them.

We influence our attitude, vocabulary, tone of voice, body language when we’re feeling either positive or negative. It’s doing the other person a disservice if we assume how they are going to think, feel, or reply to us, especially if we’re anticipating that they’re going to be critical, negative or judgemental in tone.

– Ask for what you want, but phrase it positively.

Saying ‘I don’t suppose’ or ‘there’s no point in me asking’, ‘you won’t like this, but’ is setting the scene for failure.

Many of my clients are incredulous when I repeat back to them phrases and expressions that they have used. They don’t appreciate the way that they communicate, how they come across to others, what it reveals about their thinking. When we regularly think in either a positive or a negative way it becomes a habit; if we automatically expect to fail or be rejected then that becomes the scene.

– Seed in advance for success and a positive outcome.

This simply means dropping little hints into the conversation before the main request is made. Subtlety is the key. So referring to something that you want to receive/achieve/expect to happen or be allowed to do in a positive way sews the seed and prepares the way in advance so that the other person is primed.

– Present yourself in a positive way.

This includes words, body language, tone of voice. By nodding, smiling, reinforcing all the positive benefits you boost your message.

Pause when you speak, let your words take effect, don’t rush as that can signal panic, urgency or a lack of confidence and belief in what you are saying. Speaking slower indicates that you are feeling calm, in control, happy to take your time because you’re feeling positive.

– Be aware of any potential areas of controversy or concern and be prepared to acknowledge the other person’s point of view.

Anticipate any points that may be subject to question or debate and have positive answers readily thought through. Be respectful of differences of opinion, give them due consideration before you give your reply. By doing this you demonstrate good manners and show an appreciation of the other person’s concerns.

– Be prepared to give ground on the things that are unimportant to you.

Every good negotiation includes areas of compromise. If, for example, a young person wanted to go to a party they could compromise by agreeing to be dropped off or picked up at a certain time. This could mean that they get a lift there or back, are allowed to go to the party and their parents feel relieved that they know where their child is and that they are travelling safely.

– Letting the other person claim credit for good ideas can sometimes be a useful negotiation tactic.

Steering a discussion around to your point of view, interspersing clever ideas, hints or clues can sometimes result in them being adopted and suggested by the other person as if they’d thought of them. You get what you want and they feel good about their inspired suggestion. Win/win all round by being generous.

Being clear about your wishes and projecting yourself in a positive way demonstrates confidence in yourself and what you feel. When you take responsibility for your own happiness and feel good about your decisions everyone around you benefits.

By being calm and assertive we overcome objections, sometimes in advance of them being raised. We clarify our thoughts, overcome negative thinking and present ourselves as valuable, deserving and positive.

About Susan Leigh

Susan Leigh is the author “Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain.”

She is also a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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life after divorce
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Home Alone after Divorce

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Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

As I am sitting here, contemplating on how I feel, being home alone after divorce and with older children.

I remember, when the kids were little, how often I wished to have some quiet time, some ME time, some alone time. Yes Motherhood can be intense, especially when they are younger.

I have three kids, and there was always one or the other crying for me, or fighting with another.

When they are really young you need to keep them occupied, plan outings, you need to feed them on a regular basis, and I felt exhausted more often than not. I love being a mom, and always did.

Now that they are older it is easier.  They come down and ask, what’s for dinner or state, “I am hungry”, but they can usually get themselves a snack from the fridge, and are back in the room before I can even blink.

Yes when they were little, I longed for some alone time, and then when my marriage broke apart, all of a sudden I had every other weekend ALONE time, but that’s not what I wanted either, that’s not how I planed it not at all.

Early separation time

I remember, at the beginning of our separation, my Ex came into our house to spend the weekend with the kids, so I went away, it was winter, and I was desperate to do something worthwhile, I knew otherwise I would just sit around and cry.

I remembered how much I loved skiing, especially as a child and teen. So I went up to the mountains for some weekend ski fun. This was very healing and soothing, and helped me reconnect to who I am at the core. Fresh air, exercise and fun is all you need on your weekends alone, especially at the beginning.

Then my ex got his own flat, and as the first weekend when the kids would leave the house drew nearer, I realised I could not bare to stay alone in the house where everything was still so fresh, so I asked two girlfriends to come away with me a Spa Hotel.

We had so much fun, so much Champagne and it felt good!  I am eternally grateful for those two for keeping me company and making the transition so much smoother on one of the hardest weekends of my life, while I hoped my kids would be fine.

But  two weeks later, I had to face it all again.

This time I needed to face the empty house, there was no escaping. I braced myself.

I had been looking forward to the lie in, the silence, to just be able to do what I wanted. Unfortunately my Ex send me an email that Friday evening with worrying news about our financial state, and that brought me down into the fear state.

So instead of enjoying my alone time, I started worrying about life and my kids in general, and the weekend was gone.  I had done nothing with it apart from feeling isolated not just from my kids, but from life itself.

Sitting here now, five years later, I realize how that was a wasted weekend. How concentrating on your fears and worries doesn’t help, and how this ruined my alone time. Even if the money is tight (as you have two flats to pay etc.) there is always a way of making the most out of your precious ME time.

Go for it, you deserve it.

Getting used to it

Needless to say, I got used to my weekends alone.

I planed some fun outings with friends when I felt like it or I had a good book ready to start or a movie to watch.

I intentionally did NOT read any emails during the weekend, I knew if there was an emergency I would get a call.

I was partly planning my weekends, and partly seeing how I feel and go with the flow. I personally needed some planning, as otherwise I would have gotten into the dump, crying all weekend, and not enjoying my free time. Don’t get me wrong, crying is very important and very healing.  One has to let it all go and let the tears flow, clear out your heart and start healing.  Still I felt like I needed to have some joy while being free to do so.

Nowadays

Now I sit here, and feel very weird without any of my kids near by.

Home Alone After Divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Ask yourself what you would like to do. Treat this as if it was your evening out and you had hired a babysitter. Go do that now.

They haven’t visited their Dad for the last three years.  I hadn’t had a weekend on my own for three years. One child or the other was away on trips or outings, but there was always one or two around. The times I spent away on courses I do not count, as there I was busy, and not at home.

It’s the at home alone that hits me. I enjoy the peace and the quietness, alas now that they are older, 17, 14 and going onto 11, I do have a lot of free time. I don’t feel so tied down anymore.

I enjoy my freedom, while they are around. Yet having an empty house is really weird.

It is only for a couple of days, and then they will come home one after the other, and I know by the time I have adjusted to my alone time, they will start coming home.

Adjusting

It is an adjusting period, a learning period, a research trip.

If you like. I am sitting here, contemplating, on what do I want?  That is a new.

Usually my daily life is dictated by the needs and activities of my kids, now I can do what I want.  So what do I want?

What do I like to do? Maybe hiking!  It would be fun up onto the mountains. Yes that would be lovely, alas it is raining right now and not only am I a good weather hiker only, but also it is dangerous on slippery grounds.

So now, I can travel within, learn about my needs and likes, again, on a new level, and do some research into Caroline, myself, and my life.

This is a wonderful healing opportunity too; making peace with all that happened so far, enjoying the present and having a positive outlook on what is to come into my life. It’s a wonderful couple of days I can get a taste of what will be in a couple of years when the kids have left the house and I am starting another new life again. Isn’t it wonderful, that we have never fully learnt all about life. That life brings us wonderful new experiences, and that we can enjoy each day as it comes, and make the most out of it.

What to do

If you are new to separation, if you are facing the first couple of weekends without your kids, here are some thoughts:

  • Ask yourself what you would like to do. Treat this as if it was your evening out and you had hired a babysitter. Go do that now.
  • Also have some friends on call, in case you could do with a hug or a talk.  It’s ok to get overwhelmed and feeling alone.
  • Do you like sport?  Go do it, try it or try something new or just go for a walk.
  • Watch a movie or have a good laugh with a friend.

But try to have some free time, don’t plan excessively as you might just feel like you need to digest this new situation.

  • You could have a PJ day at home with breakfast in bed reading the newspaper. What bliss not having to get up and feed some hungry kids!  You can declare the kitchen closed and get take away.
  • If you like, cry, and let it all go, anything that you feel like is perfect for you at that time. Do what feels right for you.

You won’t believe me, but those weekends are over faster than you think!  You will have your kids back in your arms soon and there might be a moment or two you feel like, oh that was a quiet and peaceful weekend, maybe.

I wish you all the best on your new journey

It is an adventure and a wonderful opportunity.

Love, Laugh and have fun and most of all enjoy!

Caroline

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

Find more articles by Caroline here – Caroline at The Divorce Magazine

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Empty Nest Syndrome Post-Divorce

Facing Empty Nest Syndrome Post-Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

An Empty Nest is especially challenging for parents who face yet another loss after divorce.

People may be experiencing the different stages of grief with their divorce, and now also mourn what was and may never be again with their child.

One goes through anger and eventually moves on to acceptance in the cycle of grief, as time goes by. This is the period to reinvent yourself and discover long last passions.

Having a quiet house seemed to be one of the worst things for me.

I brought my stereo system out of hibernation and got some tiny new speakers. I joined the vinyl craze in the states and bought some new records. Listening to old favorites with my cats around, makes loneliness a thing of the past and both of my college age sons enjoy listening to these classics when they are home.

There are ways to make this transition a little easier and reduce the loneliness that may come with the empty nest syndrome:

  • Schedule something fun to do immediately after your child leaves for school. I had a facial a few hours after my youngest son left for uni and required this pampering. The kind therapist let me express my sadness as she massaged lovely aromatherapy oils on my skin. The next morning I had a latte with a pal, and a movie with another one later in the day. I met with friends for the first several days of this transition.
  • Get together with other Empty Nesters for support and fun. My friend Patti formed a group with her son’s classmates’ parents and they meet once a month. It used to be for tears, but now it is for laughter and camaraderie.
  • Delay doing big projects until after your child is gone. This is the time to organize your home office or tackle the mess in your garage. Being focused on a large task, decreases time to dwell on one’s new situation.
  • Expand your social or professional groups. I joined a MeetUp.com group and can go out weekly for lattes, lectures or other activities. I joined Toastmasters International to become a more effective speaker.
  • Join some groups and organizations. The Women’s Institute (WI) evolved from traditional activities during WW1, to empty nest syndromefencing, DIY classes and teaching other skills now. The WI is having a resurgence of new members with many in their 30’s. There is even a WI goth group in London and I have discovered many new Scandinavian authors from my book club.
  • Go back to school for pleasure classes or to advance your career. I took a computer class after my son left. An acquaintance obtained her teaching degree during her Empty Nest period. She was so busy with these courses that she barely had time to think about her kids that had flown the nest.
  • Get out of your comfort zone and build self-esteem. This is the time to climb up Kilimanjaro or find charity treks around the UK or far flung places. Expand your fitness level as you train for these endeavours or join an exercise class. I started Zumba and Tai Chi during this episode.
  • Consider hosting a foreign exchange student for a few weeks or a school year. You will have a student who needs care and advice in your home. You may end up with a new family member for life as some people have told me. These people enjoyed learning about other cultures and visiting their “kids.”
  • Take a trip to get away and be in a new environment. Visit old friends who may be going through the Empty Nest as well. Go overnight to a nearby spa for some pampering.
  • Volunteer and give something back to others. I love feeling needed with my weekly volunteering at a cat rescue group. The kitties purr with their appreciation. Consider adopting a new pet. If unable to commit, foster a cat or dog short-term.

There was a study released in the states that indicated a correlation with getting breast cancer around eighteen months after the last child left home.

When I thought about the people I know who had breast cancer, this was the time that they discovered it as well. A woman told me this week that her surgeon said there is a connection between strong sad emotions and the occurrence of some prostate and breast cancer.

This research of emotional states increasing the risk for cancer is in its early stages, but I am having as much fun as possible to decrease my chances for it.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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You can’t Blame your Ex for Everything

Published on
Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

It was getting towards the end of the month, and the money hadn’t come into my bank account yet.

Once again my Ex was late, I thought.  Last month he waited till the very last day, and I got into trouble, as my credit cards had already been debited, putting my account into the red.

Here we go again, I thought. Why does he still play this game? What’s the need, we are divorced now, finally. No need, to play silly games anymore. I was angry, and in fear.

My thoughts would go all over; what if he is challenging the divorce agreement, what if he doesn’t want to pay, ok this time around I do have a signature, unlike the last couple of times.

I realized that I was still in that fearful energy and I hadn’t properly healed from the last 5 1/2 years, where I never knew what would happen. Would he pay, how much would he pay? When would he pay? Did I need to involve the lawyers again?  It was a draining time, and I am glad to have that behind me,  a signature and an end to it all.

Still, I was sitting there with no money on my account, I waited till the beginning of the next month, giving him the benefit of the doubt, but still on the 1st there was no money, nor on the 2nd.

I sent him an email; just stating facts:  ‘Hi, it is the 2nd 9AM, my money has not yet arrived into my account. I expect it by 4PM today.’ I was pleased with myself.  Standing up for myself was still a new experience, and tried not to let my anger or fear interfere with my email.   I was especially proud for setting a time limit and putting a demand on it.  It was rightly mine anyway. So no need to bow.

It took less than half an hour for him to come back to me.  He explained that the amount had been deducted on 23rd, and the money must have been lost in transition.

WOW, ok, so there was indeed a technical glitch, just as my intuition told me.  So while I checked with my bank, he sent me the transfer documentation and that’s when we realized, that he had used my married name, and the old address (I had moved 3 years ago), so my bank had sent the money back.

I was relieved that I had my money, that it wasn’t a bad sign and  that the whole divorce ‘battle’ was really over.  I was also pleased that  that I stayed calm and factual when writing him this email. Can you imagine, what could have happened, had I let my emotions run wild, and sent him an aggressive letter?

So what did I learn from this experience?  I have to admit laughingly, that I can’t blame everything on my EX, as convenient as that might seem. And you shouldn’t either.

If you can, stay factual, no need to be falsely friendly, but at least leave the blame game out of anything when dealing with your Ex and see the humorous side of it all.

Have a good laugh every now and then and concentrate on your own life, let them go.

have a wonderful time

warm hugs

Caroline

 

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What Doesn’t Kill Us

Published on
What Doesn't Kill Us
Prof-Stephen-Joseph

When adversity strikes, people often feel that at least some part of them – be it their views of the world, their sense of themselves, their relationships – has been smashed.  Those who try to put their lives back together exactly as they were remain fractured and vulnerable.  But those who accept the breakage and build themselves anew become more resilient and open to new ways of living…

There is no doubt that adversity can lead to great psychological suffering.  We know that extremely frightening events can lead to very high levels of distress, which, in turn, can persist for many months, even years.  Not everyone experiences full-blown posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), but most people will develop some of the emotional turmoil of posttraumatic stress following adversity…

…trauma can have both negative and positive implication, and that the negative and the positive go hand in hand…posttraumatic stress is a natural and normal process of adaption to adversity that marks the beginning of a transformative journey.  Recovery from trauma consists of finding new meanings, creating new webs of understanding and finding reparative methods centered on the sharing of memories.  Viewed in this light, posttraumatic stress can be understood as a search for meaning in which the drive to revisit, remember and think about the trauma is a normal urge to make sense of a shocking experience, to grasp new realities and incorporate them into one’s own life story…

As human beings we are storytellers.  Trauma triggers within us the need to tell stories to make sense of what has happened. These stories may take the form of conversations with family, friends and colleagues.  And our conversations are influenced by what we read in newspapers and see on television, and by the books, songs and poetry that provide us with language that captures in words, music and images what we are experiencing.  Transformation arises through the stories we tell.

It is in the struggle to make sense of a traumatic event that growth can take hold.

What doesn't kill us - www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

 

 

This is an extract from Prof Joseph’s new book What Doesn’t Kill Us – The new psychology of posttraumatic growth.

www.profstephenjoseph.com

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Wisdom Gained Through Divorce

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce can be a horrific event to experience or can be the greatest life teacher. While no one I interviewed enjoyed it, many stated that they gained such wisdom from it.

As with other transitions, divorce can be a catalyst for a major life change or new career path. Some felt as if they were merely drifting through life and their divorce came as a big wake up call.

The overwhelming response to my interviews was that people discovered inner strength. Some felt like they would fall apart or have “A nervous breakdown” during divorce proceedings.

Post-divorce they are much stronger people. Hidden skills, talents and positive character traits emerged during this calmer period.

One woman retrained as florist and opened her own shop. Another women did not learn until her divorce that she is a world class mother. She is proud that she nurtures and passes along her newly found strength to her children.

Patience was another life lesson. Several quoted “This too shall pass” and continue saying it post-divorce when irritations and problems crop up with their exes. Instead of exploding or shutting down, as was done in the past, they face complications more calmly with patience. Ironically, when dealing with someone patiently, the situation is less likely to escalate. It takes two to Tango and two to fight.

Resilience. Some echoed my sentiments, “If I can make it through this divorce, I can make it through anything else that life throws at me.”

Instead of feeling like a victim, some are now thriving.

When my finances take a nose dive or my ex decides periodically to stop alimony early, I am confident that I will get through these disasters okay. Some reiterated that learning to manage their finances had an impact of being in control of all areas of their lives.

Wisdom Gained Through Divorce
Being able to make one’s own decisions is liberating

Annette said that divorce gave her the opportunity to learn how to forgive. She has forgiven her ex in order to move on and was surprised how useful forgiveness is in other situations too. When co-workers are catty or family members inconsiderate, she does not dwell on this. Annette does not agree with these actions, but forgives people so she keeps looking forward and not backwards.

Others contemplated their spirituality and turned to their faith or a Higher Power to get through divorce proceedings. Post-divorce, they get their spiritual “batteries” recharged on a regular basis.

Others felt inclined to learn imperative life skills, such as meditation, yoga, or mindfulness. They have mentioned how invaluable these are to their lives today. Several became yoga instructors, Nia teacher, massage therapist and cosmetologist and in other disciplines that were useful to them in this traumatic situation. Now they help so many others while enjoying the well-being from these new careers.

Independence. Being able to make one’s own decisions is liberating and some expressed that they did not realize how oppressed they were while still married. One woman was told by her spouse that visitors (including family) were severely restricted and had to leave by 7:30 pm. She was exhilarated post-divorce to entertain on her own schedule.

A few told me as soon as their spouse moved out during the divorce they redecorated or rearranged their bedrooms. Sometimes when we are trying to hang onto a marriage, our preferences go out the door to keep the peace.

Going through an especially dark period enables one to appreciate relationships on a deeper level. Friendships that were taken for granted can blossom. Family members that were supportive are valuable allies when post-divorce complications arise.

Many joined groups and expanded their social networks which upped their happiness on a long term basis.  Showing compassion for others, such as through volunteering, lessened the focus from them during divorce and enabled these folks to feel better in this turbulent time. Be open to the wisdom and life lessons learned as a result of divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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visitation and parenting after separation

Unplanned Solo Parenting

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It’s a January morning in 2003 and I can’t bring myself to take the kids to school. What will I say when someone asks me “How are you?” The answer, you see, is just not the stuff of polite conversation.

“W E L L… My partner of ten years has just dumped me.

“I was supposed to live with him into old age. I had no idea he wasn’t happy.

“I loved the bastard.

“But that was only the half of it – he has dumped me with three kids under seven.

“With not enough savings to build a realist future…..

“With no job.

“With a house that was going to be sold to pay off debts.

“With no pension.

“With a fortieth birthday coming up that year…..

“Fuckin’ hell.”

Its now almost a year later. I’ve been in the bath, listening to Alanis Morissette and her passionate angry lyrics, and trying to cry. This is one of my latest self-help ventures, a continuation of productive attempts to turn a major emotional disaster into a life enhancing success. Getting to where I am now has been an interesting process.

Alanis is singing it all for me – “I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone” (in my case it felt more like a machete job); “waiting for deliverance” (the “oh God somebody please come and rescue me” stage); “I don’t want to be a band-aid if the wound is not mine” (Jesus – how can he save me – he’s got more emotional baggage than I have!); “The cross I bare that you gave to me” (No-one can do that victim-thing better than a woman scorned).

Anger and pain that seemed to shred me from the inside out. A slow, crippling, crumbling of the core of my body that I didn’t even know existed within me. For me, this was my first taste of bereavement.

Obviously, after all that had happened, my shattered sense of self worth was screaming for a shag – but fortunately, the offers on hand were by people who seemed even more lost and confused than I was. I managed to steer clear – more by luck than judgement – through that first clichéd hurdle.

I went through the “oh, he’s bound to realise what he’s done and try to make another go of it” phase. But he didn’t. Meanwhile, I was experiencing the early stages of panic attacks, and a weird sensation that time was moving far more slowly than it ever had before.

It finally dawned on me – I was in grief. I had never had any one truly close to me die before, but this was the closest thing. I had lost a whole life – past and future. Gone in an incomprehensible instant. Always thinking it might reappear around the next corner – but gradually realising that that part of me was gone forever. So I did what my many wise friends were encouraging me to do – I got real.

I had the blessing of so many fantastic friends – friends I didn’t even know I had – who gave so much more than just emotional support and the time to listen.

They were brave enough to be honest with me – comments like “God, what’s happened to you is so awful I can’t help laughing” were strangely helpful.

I also loved the response from one dear friend, after the guilt I had been feeling of dumping such awful news on my family and friends. When I told her that I was now joining the club of single motherhood, she said with great passion and absolutely no tact – “FANTASTIC!”

But my friends also prevented my tackling of the mundane realities – possible financial holocaust; children torn out of school – from leaving me devoid of hope, and they helped me to believe that the world still had some good stuff waiting for me up ahead.

I was fighting. I moved out, got a place to rent, started panicking about my future.

But I was still the victim fighting against the odds – and the trouble with that is you just never get your act together, because it’s always someone else’s fault. It’s only when you face up to the horrifying reality of a situation that you can truly take it in hand – and own it.

You make it your own.

It’s no-one else’s fault or responsibility if you don’t make things work out. I looked the worse case scenarios of every aspect of my life right in the face – and made whatever provisions I could.

And somehow, by making that appointment with the loan parent advisor with my youngest child screaming throughout most of the interview (no toys provided or changing room), applying for State Benefits and enrolling the kids in schools I hadn’t previously wanted them to go to – took the fear away.

It didn’t mean “that was it” – it just meant I was taking back some control. And you know the amazing thing? Even though it took a real leap of faith, and a good helping of black humour, to really start taking control of my life, the more I did it, the more I believed it was going to work out somehow.

And the most amazing thing for me was, that other people seemed to be drawn in and they began to believe it too.

unplanned solo parenting
Applying for State Benefits and enrolling the kids in schools I hadn’t previously wanted them to go to – took the fear away

Strange as it may sound, but it was the children who helped the most, because they forced me to take back control of the present.

I didn’t have the luxury of descending into total emotional freefall. There were these very strong brave little people who needed me to make things work out for them. They kept me sane in other ways too.

When your partner has acted as if the past ten years was merely a passing of time without any emotional consequence, you really begin to question whether you have imagined the whole thing. But the children lie as physical evidence of something beautiful that no mid-life crisis can obliterate.

A good friend sent me off on an excellent motivational course. Boy was I ready for that. It was like someone had handed me a load of really useful tools to continue turning my life around even more dramatically than I already had done – and getting rid of all those stupid self-limiting beliefs that I didn’t know I had.

Now that I wasn’t a `mother of three in a stable relationship with a house and two cars”, I had the opportunity to become anything I wanted.

Of course, I could have done all that before, but oh, the children are so exhausting and the house has to be finished and the list of excuses for not thinking about my own personal growth were endless. People would ask me “how do you cope on your own”. But strangely, having one less adult to care for actually made my life easier.

Also, not having to bear the burden of someone else’s unhappiness that neither of us had really been able to acknowledge – well that was like a massif weight lifted from my shoulders. I got rid of all my excuses and allowed myself to dream of what I wanted with ambition instead of frustrated regret. I had become free. I had become myself again.

I did have one tricky problem for a while. No one tells you what to do with your ex-partner.

You’re supposed to hate and despise them – they are the reason behind every sorrow in your life. It was all so horribly negative, and somehow, the children took me from the bitterness of the usual break-up mentality and gave me every reason to fight for something better.

When you have a living reminder of unconditional love each day, it makes you question the quality of the love that you think has now broken your heart. And that was yet another revelation – it’s not `love’ that causes the pain. Love is a good thing. What causes the pain – and so many problems within relationships of all kinds – is being `needy’. That was not a person I wanted to be any longer.

After ten years of learning to live with someone in love, it seemed so crazy just to give it all up because I now wanted to find a new way to live with them – albeit separately.

I finally realised that posing ‘unanswerable questions’ and re-examining the past ad nauseum were clearly not getting me anywhere.

I decided to let the love that had kept us together for ten years be the guiding factor with keeping us healthily and positively apart. The children were a constant reminder that anger and self-pity and doubt and fear – in other words, parenthood – can all be balanced with, well, love.

I was lucky enough to be able to put down a deposit on a house and get out of the Benefit trap – thank god for interest-only mortgages. I make the house `work’ for me by taking in lodgers, though some of my friends are keeping a book out on how long each one will last.

I enrolled on a training course that takes up almost every Saturday for the next two years and THEN organised the childcare, knowing that was the only way I would make it happen. I am home schooling one of my kids and loving it.

I would not change anything in my life.

I never realised that being single was such a natural state, and the more I enjoy it, the more I know that I will end up eventually with someone who is happy and motivated and probably want to hang around for a while, because they will be with me because they want to be and not because they are afraid to be alone.

Meanwhile, I am enjoying a social life I would have felt was positively indulgent during my previous life as happy housewife. Of course I do sometimes miss man-cuddles, and I definitely miss sex. But God, if there wasn’t anything to miss everyone would stay single forever.

The kids and I had a drink at the pub today with their dad. And I played him at pool – and lost (but not badly). It was good. I still get those deep unremitting pains sometimes – especially when the first Christmas and New Year struck – but the pain starts to take on a familiarity that makes it somehow less debilitating.

I don’t know what the future might bring, but I know that at least the past is not going to fuck it up for me.

I’ve been lucky to have an ex-partner who has been financially supportive and taken on the role of fatherhood with an ever-increasing confidence and enthusiasm. Things could have been a lot worse for me and for some people they are.

I have learnt that being with three young children, either in or out of a relationship, is not a chore or a burden. Even though it is hard sometimes, it does not stop you from living your life to the full. Parenthood, in any form, is a gift.

So I’m sitting in the bath and I’ve finally managed to blubber a bit, and I’m wondering how to describe that odd feeling I have when I’m all alone in the house and the kids are quiet in their beds. A kind of familiar feeling that seems to be growing stronger all the time – that precious time that I have for myself. I think I can only describe it as – “Freedom”…

Suzy Miller is the creator of  Alternative Divorce Guide 

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Changing Your Name After Divorce

Changing Your Name After Divorce

Published on
Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

Keeping your family name or changing your name after divorce?

What about you, did you take on your husband’s name when you got married? Did you keep your family name? Or did the whole family take on your name?

Now that you’re going through or have gone through a divorce, what do you think you’ll do? Will you take back your maiden name?  Would you rather keep your married name?  What feels right for you?

 

Getting Married

I hope by sharing my story I can give you some more insights.

When I got married, I took on my husband’s name. I became Caroline Cameron.

I was happy. I never thought it could be any other way. I know of countries and cultures where the women keep their family name but I had the choice and I chose to take on my husband’s name.

I wanted to be called the same as my future children and I also wanted to make it official that I was now married. Yes of course I loved that name, it had a foreign feel to it, and some in Switzerland, where I am from, had trouble pronouncing it, which made it even more fun.

I especially loved, that I was CC (Caroline Cameron). Looking back, I think I never really put much thought into it at all. I just followed the normal rules, and took on my husband’s name.

 

15 years later.

We’re now separated.

I’m seated with my three children at the table, and my youngest, then 5 years old, starts to cry, saying ‘But Mom, when you get a divorce, then you will have a different name to us!’ He was so upset.

To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about this at all, for me it was clear, I am Caroline Cameron, and I will stay that way.

Again, I had the choice – do I to take my maiden name back or keep my married name. At that stage, I was sure I would keep my family name. I still wanted to have the same name as my children and I liked the name, even though I don’t have a crooked nose (Cameron means crooked nose in Gaelic).

 

Another 5 years later

Changing Your Name After Divorce
What’s your name?

While doing some Pranic healing on myself, I realized that I was calling myself Caroline Palmy. It was so spontaneous and so sudden and felt so true, that it got me thinking.

Where does this come from? Why now? Why me?

I took a deep breath and listened within, and called myself Caroline Cameron, and I realized, this is not true anymore, this does not sound true. I realized that I had outgrown my married name and I was ready to go back to my birth name of Caroline Palmy.

Thinking about this, I got this picture of myself unzipping a tight grey neo-preen like dress, and getting out of it, and feeling free, colourful and dancing, and I realized, that with this change of name I can really free myself. I felt happy and at peace, I have finally found myself or rather re-found myself.

I spoke to my children again, and asked them, how they would feel if I took on my maiden name again.

The oldest said, “Mom that was clear, I always knew you would do that.”

My girl was happy for me, and said she would love me either way and my youngest, who cried 5 years earlier at the thought of me changing my name, was smiling and said, that is very much ok so. He knows I am his Mom, no matter what. We have all grown so much.

 

Making it official

Changing the name officially was easy all I needed was to sign a paper at the official place followed by filling in endless forms of changing it everywhere and on everything else. It was worth it.

I was glad, I had 5 years to let this idea grow, and I didn’t make any rash decision. For me it is right to have gone back to my birth name. There are situations for each one of us, and we all have to decide for ourselves.

 

Do what is right for YOU

My only advice to you is to only do what feels right for you.  Don’t let yourself be pushed either way.

It might sound like a tiny part of it all, and maybe it is, alas when I signed my documents to go back to my maiden name, I really made a step out there, and realized the impact such a decision can have and is having.

Wishing you all the best

Proudly,

Caroline Palmy

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Healing after Divorce

Birthing a Divorce – Healing after Divorce

Published on
Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

Going through a separation and having a divorce feels very much like giving birth. You go through various phases of different sorts of labour pains, to finally giving birth to a baby called Divorce.

Congratulations on your new arrival, your new life. YOUR life.

I was in labour for 5 1/2 years. Ok, the first 2 1/2 years weren’t that bad considering what followed afterwards. I and the kids were still getting to terms with things and it was hard: the starting of a new life, a life without a father for the kids.

What followed was excruciating, the words that flew from lawyer to lawyer, the blackmails, no signature for passport renewals for the kids, the pressure, the shortage of money. I felt more often than not that we, me and my three kids, were going to drown .

Looking back, I have no idea, how I kept us afloat. It was a miracle. People stepped in and helped us at the right time and I am eternally grateful to all of them. I am humbled by the emotional support we all got and how we came through it nearly un-shattered.

PUSH!

Then I had 5 months of pushing.  Yes, that was the time when I heard that I was summoned to court by my Ex, and needed to prepare for my court appearance.

It was a very intense time; a time of healing physically, emotionally and mentally, as well as keeping my nervousness under control and letting it all out. And getting that, it felt like pushing a 25 pounds baby out!

Thankfully, appearing in court wasn’t as bad as I imagined. I was amazingly calm and trusted the outcome.

I did my work, and somehow I fully believed that whatever happens, we will be ok. My three kids and I are healthy and remain very close and somehow everything else seems to fade compared to the love I feel for my children.

I understood that whatever came out of my ex’s mouth was his guilt talking and it had nothing to do with whom I was. Strangely, he could not offend me and I did not take on any of his blame. I was done with him and his ways once and for all and it felt good realizing this.

Healing after Divorce
Healing after Divorce

We made it through.

We came to an agreement, it is not all I had hoped for but it’s not as bad as I feared either. It is something we can live on and I was just so happy to have it over and done with.  Happy that that huge baby was finally out and the pain was over.

I was absolutely high after court, I felt so happy, so at ease, so relieved and so glad and so were the kids.

I didn’t involve them much, but they were aware that I was going to court.  They were just all visibly relieved that I felt a bit guilty that they had gone through this as well.

How could I underestimate the pressure my kids were under?

Of course they had felt me being tense and nervous and yes I did stand up for them as well in court.  They understood that the outcome would influence their life too.

By trying to keep it away from them, I excluded them. Still it was the right thing and we are just all so relieved that the stress of the last 5 1/2 years can finally fall away. Yes it did, or still is.

Then came the baby blues.  I was hit hard, very hard that same very night.

I couldn’t fall asleep.  Every time I dozed off, I was woken up by another panic attack. ‘Oh no, we can’t live on that amount! ‘Oh no, stupid me, I should have asked for more!’ ‘Why did I not stand up for more?’ and on and on it went.

The next morning I got up completely exhausted and when my oldest son asked me, how I slept, I told him, that I didn’t sleep well, as I was worried that the money would not get us through, he looked at me, patted me on my shoulder, and just said ‘Mom, we will be ok!!!’ I cried. He is wise beyond his 17 years of age. He was so right, and yes that’s exactly what I needed to hear. ‘WE will be ok’, yes we will.

I am not alone out there, the kids and I are a team. It was also a huge relief to learn from friends, that going through this fears is absolutely NORMAL. I am not a freak, not more than anybody else anyway.

The Contractual After Birth and Healing after Divorce

Now comes the after birth, the time where we carefully check and recheck the contract, before it is signed and sent off. It’s important to give enough time and not pull that placenta out.  We have to make sure it comes out in one full piece and not leave anything in that would later cause an infection.

And I know, when I have the court document, that I am legally divorced, that’s when the milk will come in and I can fully nurse my new life.

Right now, I am still in healing, and need to tend to myself very gently and carefully. It was an intense birth, to say the least.

Please be gentle to yourself, nurse yourself and remember, you are going through a birthing period and it takes a lot of energy and might be painful.  For some it might be a walk in the park while for others it might be very hard.

It is also a profound time of healing.  Let it happen.

Release everything that no longer serves you. Look after yourself and let yourself be pampered.  Have some good ‘midwives’ around like I did with Maggie Kay and Bill Tucker. Good friends that come by with a cup of coffee or take you for a walk, animals to pet or a good book to read.

Remember you are worth it.

And birthing your baby Divorce really needs you at your best and strongest.

You will make it

Warmest of hugs,

Caroline

 

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