dating after divorce - Page 2

Living the Dream
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How to Get a Date in 28 Days (Part 3) – Living the Dream – Power, Passion and Purpose

Published on
Moving on after divorce or separation
Shelley Whitehead
Relationship Coach
This is the 3rd part in our series on How to Get a Date in 28 Days.

 

In this interview Shelley Whitehead, certified life and relationship coach, talks about Living the Dream – Power, Passion and Purpose.

 

Part 1 – Clearing your Space, Mind and Body 
Part 2 –  Removing Obstacles to Love

 

Here’s what she had to say on  Living the Dream – Power, Passion and Purpose:

What makes a woman most attractive to a man?

We know that men are visual so we need to take care of ourselves but always first for ourselves before we do it for anyone else.

 

But what really makes a woman attractive? I’ve broken that down into four qualities:
  • She’s confident.  Just as we love confident men, men find women who are confident about themselves, about what she is doing in life, about her feelings and her thoughts attractive.  She portrays a genuine confidence about where she’s going and what she loves.  Men love confident women.
  • She’s authentic.  This is about being very honest and genuine about what you think and what you feel without needing to compromise what you value.   It’s that fearless self expression without the desire to say or be anything purely to impress anybody or anyone.  It’s about being true to your own personality despite external pressures to conform to what the magazines, movies and media portray.  There’s just no room for lying when it comes to being authentic.  The more authentic you are the less fake you feel.

  • She’s vulnerable.  That vulnerable intimate self, makes a woman very attractive.  By being vulnerable I don’t mean being a victim or that you’re coming from a place of weakness.  Vulnerable is open to expressing what you feel, what makes you happy, joyful, what you love to do, it’s your passion.  It’s about the sadnesses, perhaps you had a dog that passed away and that really affected you, it’s about just speaking from you heart. Men connect to women emotionally, that’s what throws a man back in and wants to be with you.  It’s not about what you accomplish, what you do, who you are, it’s the emotional connection that he builds to you.
  • She loves her life!  She’s not looking to be rescued from a life that is dismal and that doesn’t work for her.  Her life works for her.  She loves it!  It’s full because she’s learned how to enhance her life and embrace her life.  She doesn’t need rescuing from her life by a prince charming and be taken into another life.  That’s very often the mistake women make; they’re looking for someone to rescue them from the ho humness of a life that isn’t working for them.

There’s no one who’s ever going to complete you.  Two halves don’t make a whole. Two halves make two halves!

Listen, learn and enjoy the rest of this absolutely informative interview with Shelley.

If you haven’t listened to Part 1 and 2 you can do so here – removing-obstacles-to-love and here-  removing-obstacles-to-love

 

Shelley is a Relationship Coach to Women ready to embrace a Second Chance at Finding Love. She works with individuals and groups of Divorced & Bereaved women, and those who have been disappointed in love – shelleyjwhitehead.com

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How to Get a Date In 28 Days (Part 2) – Removing Obstacles to Love

Published on
Moving on after divorce or separation
Shelley Whitehead
Relationship Coach

This interview is part 2 of  How to Get a Date In 28 Days.  You can listen to part 1 here –  Clearing your space, body and mind

Here’s some of what Shelley had to say in Part 2 – Removing Obstacles to Love

It really about exorcising, getting rid off in a very serious way, the beliefs and the behaviours that chase men away because these behaviours and beliefs are limiting the ones that hold us back in any area of life. 

They are what limits us or limits the ability to take action and live our dreams and generally that dream is, after experiencing the loss of a partner, it’s being able to cope with life and feel happy again.  It’s about being able to manifest and find the ideal partner.

We are wired for connection, that’s something that I absolutely do know and once women have gone through that clearing phase, life begins to take on an absolute new meaning.

Our outer world is merely a reflection of our inner world. 

What that means is that what you truly believe, deep inside yourself, you’ll start to manifest in your life and in your relationships.  Whatever’s been showing up in your life and in your relationships over time, is what you’ve been focusing your attention on.

A negative belief become a negative expectation.  We end up with a sabotaging behaviour, we get a negative outcome which confirms that negative belief.

That’s why I’m very clear about one thing; it’s about who we hang out with.  This is so very important when it comes to raising the bar in your life.  If you’re wanting to be happy, enjoy your job, manifest a great relationship, be a wonderful mum, it’s important that the people you hang out with believe and want the same thing as you do.

It’s the old expression that you can’t fly with eagles, if you hang out with turkeys.  It becomes very true when you’re looking for a new relationship.

Some limiting beliefs that I hear from women include:

  • I’m too old
  • I’m too fat
  • All the good men are taken
  • There aren’t any decent men around
  • I just meet the same kind of man over and over again
  • The dating sites don’t work, there’s just rubbish men on them

These beliefs often keep us in repetitive patterns because they build up a story based on past experiences and now stop love from coming in even if that’s our deepest desire.  They are going to continue until they clear and it all begins with our thoughts.

A thought has to be true for it to become a belief that’s why we need to start eliminating the negative thoughts so that they can begin to die.  And awareness is the key to all change.

Listen, learn and enjoy the rest of the interview with Shelley, to find out how to begin eliminating these negative thoughts and beliefs.

Look out for part 3 tomorrow – How to Get a Date in 28 Days (Part 3) – Living the Dream -Power, Passion and Purpose

Shelley is a Relationship Coach to Women ready to embrace a Second Chance at Finding Love. She works with individuals and groups of Divorced & Bereaved women, and those who have been disappointed in love – shelleyjwhitehead.com

 

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Why do Opposits Attract
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How Get a Date in 28 Days (Part 1) – Clearing: Your Space and Your Body

Published on
Moving on after divorce or separation
Shelley Whitehead
Relationship Coach

Clearing your space and body is so vitally important before we begin dating.

Certified Life Coach and Relationship Coach,  Shelley talks about her own dating journey when she found herself alone following the passing of her first husband.

She shares the mistakes she made because she wasn’t sure what she was looking for.  When she felt ready to get back into the dating world, Shelley’s dating history included meeting a Mr Muller, Mr Triathlon all the way to Mr Cocaine.

For women who have been in long term relationships and now find themselves alone, dating can be a really tricky world to manoeuvre.  Being so used to being in a couple, they may find that their life has changed completely and part of their identity has been lost.

In this interview, the first of four, Shelley explains what the clearing phase entails – it’s about clearing the body, the mind and physical space.

When it comes to clearing the physical, Shelley advices the women to literally go through the home, from top to bottom and only keep those things that they find, valuable, useful and beautiful.  If it doesn’t fit in any three of these categories, then it’s time to get rid of it.

When it comes to clearing the body, it means looking at yourself and you decide what it is that you really like and appreciate about yourself.  Shelley has yet to meet a woman who really, really loves her body but it’s about working with what you really appreciate about yourself and enhancing it.

Men are visual creatures so we need to be in the best possible shape for ourselves because it, not only helps you as a person, but also makes you more comfortable when you do start dating.

When it comes to the mind and clearing the mind in preparation for our next relationship or in preparation for the dating world, it means getting rid of the attitudes and the beliefs and the behaviours, that don’t serve us.

It means really making sure that our mind is in a great space.  That this relationship we have with ourselves is in a really good space that we are able to embrace and welcome in a new partner.  The new partner that we will be able to identify in the dating world.

It’s about the behaviour and beliefs that we carry in our mind that do not serve us.

There’s so much more in this interview, so listen, learn and enjoy.

Look out for Part 2 tomorrow or you can listen to it here now – How to Get a Date In 28 Days (Part 2) Removing Obstacles to Love

Shelley is a Relationship Coach to Women ready to embrace a Second Chance at Finding Love. She works with individuals and groups of Divorced & Bereaved women, and those who have been disappointed in love.

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dating after divorce
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Dating After Divorce with Vena Ramphal

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Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal
THE Passion Coach

This was my second interview with the fabulous Passion Coach Vena Ramphal.  Our first was on flirting – very informative, fun interview.  I’m almost certain each one of you will find something in both interviews that you could put into practice when dating after divorce!

Vena tells us that dating after divorce can be a very rich phase for creating a consciously fulfilling love life. 

She helps you think through what it is that you really want because, as she explains,  that’s a skill set that we don’t generally have.  We’re not really taught to think, “What is the relationship that I really want?  What does that look like?”

It’s very easy to go into a default mode and think, “Well, I want what everyone else wants.”

I asked Vena several questions and here’s some of what she had to say on the topic of dating after divorce, but I tell you now, you will need to listen to the rest of the interview to get the full benefit of Vena’s knowledge.  She’s not called the Passion Coach for nothing!

My first question, sent in previously by a reader of The Divorce Magazine, was:

What are the top 5 things one should do when they go on a date?

It’s not a question of having a set stock of things that everybody does.

Dating is a very personal thing and so the first thing I would say is to think about what you’re comfortable with in terms of your behaviour and how you want to come across.  Thing about what it is that you want to get out of that date. 

Having said that, as a general approach, remember that last week I said that flirting was about self-confidence as opposed to just getting the other person interested, well this time I’m going to say that dating is about having fun. 

So don’t worry about the 5 things, dating is really about having fun and that really means having fun in the moment, especially in the beginning, rather than thinking about planning the next stage or wondering if this person is the next one or whatever it is.

Unfortunately this recording is no longer available

The most successful serious relationships are built on a foundation of fun. 

Fun is very attractive but some people have a bad reaction to the word fun because it sounds really frivolous and do you want to come across as frivolous.  I would say be frivolous, be fun, don’t take it seriously, don’t take yourself too seriously or the other person too seriously and that’s really the main thing. 

Beyond that just make sure that you look and feel as confident as you can in that moment. More for yourself than anything else.

Does your stage in life matter as to how you view dating?  What if you’re really looking for that one person to have children with and get married to?

There are two things here. 

Firstly there’s the attitude.  The attitude you want is to just have fun in the moment and enjoy for the moment. 

The second thing is to be clear on your intention.  So if you are looking for a long term partner, I think it’s very important to be clear on your intention.  Clarity of intention is very important. 

This may sound like a contradiction but actually it’s not.  It’s a dynamic between 2 opposing poles and the dynamics is between having fun in the moment just for the moment and being clear on what it is that you want. 

And there’s a difference between stating your intention clearly and confidently and coming across as desperate and needy.

Find out what that difference is and much, much more when you listen to the rest of the interview on dating after divorce! 

I repeat, Vena knows her stuff!

Good luck!  And don’t forget – HAVE FUN!

About Vena

VENA RAMPHAL IS THE PASSION COACH SPECIALISING IN ROMANCE AND EROTIC PLEASURE.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

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what is flirting

What is Flirting and How to Work it

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Vena Ramphal
THE Passion Coach

What is flirting?  

Passion Coach, Vena Ramphal, answers this question and many more in this fun, informative and exciting interview.  

Vena is know to help people create the love life that they want to and make good clear decision that work in their lives.

Unfortunately this recording is no longer available

Here’s some of what Vena says in the interview.  You will need to listen to it in its entirety to get the full “story”:

Flirting is very exciting and it makes life more juicy, more fun and more pleasurable and personally I think everyone should be flirting more.

What is flirting?

Good question!

There’s a difference between flirting with a potential date or with someone whom you are just starting to date as opposed to flirting in an established relationship.

If you’re in an established relationship, then flirting is the promise of something more.

If you are just starting to date or flirting with people who are potential dates, it is absolutely not the promise of something more.    In other words it’s certainly isn’t a promise for sex and it’s not an invitation to sex.  That’s something that is important for people to be comfortable with and to realise because I suspect that is one of the inhabitants that prevent people from flirting.

So if you’re speaking to a potential date or someone you’re just starting to date, flirting is really only an expression of interest in the other person in that moment.

And the key thing I would say, is that it’s a statement of confidence and an enjoyment of yourself.

How do you know when someone is flirting with you?

There’s a sliding scale between someone being fun and self-expressive and interpreting that as a specific flirtation.   There is indeed a grey area and the truth is flirting does sit in the grey area.

How do you know if someone is interested in you?

That is something that you would need to find out either by asking a specific question or by giving that person the space to express specifically whether or not they are interested. 

In other words enjoy the interaction in the moment but don’t rush to put a meaning onto it because the moment you do that then it’s easy to get tense and  starting wondering where this this is going.  Just relax and then you get comfortable sitting in that grey area. 

And if it comes to it and you do need clarification in whether or not that person is actually interested in going on a date with you then you will ned to either invite a question or ask a question specifically.

Flirting works best when it is spontaneous and it’s free and there is no agenda because really just needs to be an expression of your spirit and expression of yourself and that’s very attractive.

There’s much more in the interview so go ahead, listen, enjoy and learn.

Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal
THE Passion Coach

VENA RAMPHAL IS THE PASSION COACH SPECIALISING IN ROMANCE AND EROTIC PLEASURE.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

 

photo credit: Black and White – Out of Focus via photopin (license)

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Why do Opposits Attract

Dating After Divorce – Why do Opposites Attract?

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Sometimes dating one’s opposite adds spice to a relationship or in other cases, tears it apart.

The trick is knowing when someone is quirky vs. not the right match at all.

Lust or the heady feeling of being in love can blind some to potential problem spots. Having one’s head in the sand like an ostrich does not make problems go away, but rather delays dealing with them.

Whether it is being of different religions, ideology or life philosophies, issues need to be addressed before rushing to the alter.

An example of opposites working out differences and being happily married for fifty years is Violet and Terrence.

She is city girl who loathes camping out, doing long treks, or white water rafting. Her outdoorsy husband releases his inner mountain man by long hikes and sleeping rough in the wild. They cherish each other and learned to compromise. They bought a luxurious camper van with all mod cons including a cosy kitchen.

This couple takes short hikes together and she happily reads while Terrence does the arduous ones solo. I have joined his camping trips staying in tents for white water rafting adventures. Violet keeps busy with extended family while Terrance is away on these short jaunts. They both taught me to cross country ski. Violet is happy for the gentle nudge to enjoy being out in nature.

There are some fundamental issues that sometimes cannot be resolved.

A former co-worker of mine is an in-your-face vegetarian who had married a carnivore. She ended up getting a divorce and it had not helped their relationship by having hunters on his family tree.

Sometimes opposite temperaments and interests are the death knoll for relationships.

Why do Opposits Attract
Why do opposites attract – He liked trekking, she didn’t.

My former fiancé was an introvert and I am an extrovert. I love to dance and he would rather stick a pin in his hand than get up on the dance floor. His idea of a perfect evening was staying in and mine was socializing. Although this is not what broke us up, I realized that our opposite preferences would not have worked out well in the long run.

No one is going to tick all of the boxes on our wish list. However, being in alignment with ethics, values, interests helps.

If you sense that your dating partner may not want to be a vagabond and you are not a homebody, then a frank discussion is in order.

Pre-marital counselling is highly recommended for the second time around to ensure you understand each other’s positions. In the earlier phase of dating, if there is a sticky issue it can be helpful to discuss it with a neutral third party, whether a family friend, clergy or life coach.

If the issue is a deal breaker for each of you, it is better to discover that before putting in more time or energy into the relationship. Talking with friends can help give insight to your dating situation.

If something does not feel right when dating, then step back and analyse what is trying to grab your attention.

Still your mind through meditation, a walk through the woods or whatever grounds you. Maybe take a break and go away for a short holiday to think things over.

People in long-term marriages tend to have a sense of humour, compromise and respect the person even if they have an opposite viewpoint. Dating a person who is your opposite can expose you to exciting new adventures, however it is crucial to maintain good communication.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Serial Dating after Divorce

Serial Dating after Divorce and You.

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

After divorce, take a breather before dating again.  This especially holds true when one’s spouse had an affair and left them for someone else.

It may be tempting to jump into someone’s arms (or bed) right after a divorce to reaffirm that you are the sexy person you once were pre-marriage.

Resist that temptation. The ego is hurt after an affair and serial dating is not the cure. A one night stand is not the balm to heal the ego, but merely a temporary quick fix.

When Serial Dating after Divorce Happens

Serena’s husband left her for her friend.

It was such a shock to her ego that she wanted instant validation from other men. She was desperate to be reassured that she was sexy and desirable since her husband had been getting sex elsewhere during marriage.

Looking back, Serena said that the men attracted to her were not really available emotionally or by circumstance. She was dating similar men to her husband. None were willing to commit or contemplate being in a long-term relationship.

They were here just for the present and planning more than a week ahead was out of their comfort zone. These fellows (jerks as she now calls them), were repulsed when told that she had two young children. None of these relationships lasted over three months.

Serena thought she was doing better than she actually was – since she felt popular. She had so many short-terms relationships which she equated with popularity. Serena sought validation externally, instead of having it internally since her self-worth had taken a nose dive.

Serial Dating after Divorce
She started an exercise program, continued to meditate and ate more nutritious foods

Dating so many people in a short-time is a distraction (as for Serena) which keeps one from addressing their own issues and work which needs to be done.

This type of distraction keeps the focus on partners and off introspection and what may be uncomfortable in oneself that prevents moving on.

After her husband’s betrayal, Serena did not feel valued and looked to dates to provide this.

Think twice before getting sexually involved with your ex.

Serena had poor boundaries post-divorce and wished she had said goodbye with a clean break – as she had done financially through mediation. She said it was not appropriate to have continued to have sex with her former husband and paid the price for it. It muddied the waters when she started dating again and was trying to move on.

Her ex parted ways with her friend and Serena had difficulty accepting his new girlfriends. Her therapist helped her to see this behaviour was not helpful to either of them.

Reaching out to others and forming new social connections lessened Serena’s need to get validation from dates. As she became more empowered through therapy, Serena no longer sought out validation as she discovered her own self-worth and strengths.

She recommends nurturing yourself, whether it is getting a latte, being in nature or doing other pleasurable pursuits. This self-nurturing is important for moving on and being fulfilled in life.

She started an exercise program, continued to meditate and ate more nutritious foods. When Serena no longer required a relationship to feel valued, she slowed down and took time getting to know people. Once Serena got out of thinking “poor little me”, realized that many others were also suffering and that she was not alone, her life turned around.

Serena is dating a wonderful fellow who loves and appreciates her.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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dating after divorce

How to Start Dating after Divorce and Infidelity

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Wondering how to start dating after divorce and infidelity?

dating after divorce and infidelity
Gary Spivak Founder of Fidelity Dating

If you were cheated on and find yourself single again then how do you begin to trust and date again?

Infidelity survivors didn’t just divorce because they fell out of love or realized there were too many differences to continue with their marriage.

Infidelity survivors were betrayed and had their world turn upside down by a cheating spouse. Below you will see the KITTIE method to help you rejoin the dating pool after being cheated on:

  • Know other infidelity survivors found trust and love again. So there is light at the end of the tunnel or a rainbow after the storm. There are plenty of forums like www.women-scorned.co.uk/ that provide support and hope.
  • Investigate your new partner if that will help put your mind at ease. There are various websites that you can check to see if your potential date or current SO is a cheater.
  • Talk to your new partner about what you are feeling and why. It’s important that you communicate and are on the same page.
  • Together you both should create boundaries and rules. You may both agree to have access to each other’s emails or phones.
  • Innocent until proven guilty. Your new SO isn’t a reincarnation of your old one who cheated on you.
  • Explore options to find someone who is faithful and you can relate to. Someone who was previously cheated on may be a good companion because they are less likely to cheat because they know how much it hurts.

We hope the KITTIE method of rejoining the dating pool after being cheated on helps you find a faithful loving partner.

Gary Spivak is the Founder of FidelityDating, dating site for infidelity survivors

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Serial Dating after Divorce

Divorced Dating – Picky vs. Realistic

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

When interviewing both genders on the qualities they seek in a partner, men were more general and women tended to have a long shopping list of requirements.

Some of these seemed to still be rooted back to uni days, such as “he must be buff” or have “an awesome sports car.”

Now is the time to update your list of qualities for partners by your current age and not your younger self.

Divorced Dating – Too Picky?

Kathy is 5’8’’ and wears 3 1/2 to 4 inch heels and is only looking for a date who is 6’2’’.  She says this height is just perfect for her.

Reasoning with Kathy has not worked. Are you looking for a very specific type – like a key to a lock?

Do you feel that there is only one person who is right for you and bypass others who are nearly right? A clue this is happening is by having many dry spells between dates.

Brenda specifies that all people she dates must love doing day hikes. Even if guys are active in other ways, not doing day long hikes was the deal breaker for her. When asked why she could not hike and meet up with the guy afterwards, Brenda answered “no way.”

In contrast, Jerry is divorced and an outdoorsy type of fellow who swims almost daily. Although he is seeking an active woman, she does not have to even get in the water, much less go swimming. Jerry said that he could have a date with a girlfriend after he goes to the pool. If they go on vacation, he will swim in the ocean while she reads on the beach. He is more flexible and willing to compromise than Brenda is.

Having high standards with ethics and spirituality is not being too picky.

If marrying outside of your religion is non-negotiable, then date only members of it. There are specific dating sites, such as for Jewish singles or Mennonites, and online searches are easy.  If sex outside of wedlock is taboo then date only others who also share this belief.

Values that align with someone else’s is the basis for a long-term relationship.

What Do You Bring To The Table?

A few women stated that they were looking for handsome men to take them travelling on a long-term or permanent basis.

When asked “What do you bring to the table?” they went blank. When probed, what qualities do you possess that would specifically attract such a boyfriend they could only answer “Well, that is who I want to marry.”

dating post divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukFriends probably are not going to point out to these few that they lack charisma, charm and the ability to hold stimulating conversations on a variety of subjects with people of different cultures. Think about what great qualities you have that would attract the type of person you want to date.

Be exactly clear what you mean when using labels to categorize people.

Sandy is a hairdresser who states that she does not date doormats. She runs around with a biker crowd and has had some relationships post-divorce that teeter on the brink of abuse.

A fantastic, kind man came into Sandy’s life. He would sometimes drop by the salon with flowers for her. Sandy’s co-workers and customers adored him. Sandy kicked him to the curb. Why? Sandy’s faulty thinking confused being a nice, respectable guy with being a doormat.

Make a list of the qualities that you seek in a spouse by order of importance.

Look at the more trivial ones at the end to determine if they can be eliminated. Sometimes relationships develop slowly and grow with intensity over time. One may lose out on a great love if the first date lacked chemistry and there was not a second one. Of course be safe and if your gut feeling is screaming at you to bail, then do so.

You may be feeling something is greatly amiss on a subconscious level. Avoid  being too picky by dumping someone too quickly because they did not tick every box on your list.

Do you have your list?

Are you a picky or realistic dater?

Would love to know.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Online Dating Profiles and Tips

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Online dating statistics vary from 10% to 35% of marriages today are due to meeting one’s spouse from an online dating site.

The higher range is from studies that are sponsored from the various dating sites themselves. Regardless, many people are successfully using this method to meet their life partners.

  • Do expect some disappearing acts. One will meet wonderful, charismatic dates whom seem like candidates for long-term relationships. Then they utter the words reminiscent of uni days, “I’ll be in touch.” He or she does not call or answer any texts. If one is finally able to catch them, they are vague and say “no” to a future date. You never find out what happened.
  • Do not take a first date to your flat, or give out personal contact information. 29 year old Sharon Siermans met a man on a dating site in Australia, who seemed kind. They arranged to meet in a public area. After seeing him in the flesh, he gave her the creep and she did not want to be seen with him. Grabbing a quick cup of coffee and terminating the date would have been more prudent than bringing him back to her house for a quick snack. She avoided him and refused more dates, which angered this fellow. The news reported that he went back to Siermans’ house at a later date and murdered her. The extra sad part is that her four year old son, Aron, witnessed this horrific act. If you meet someone and your red flags go up – terminate the date quickly without mentioning personal information. One way to do this, is to nip into the loo and arrange for a friend to call you in ten minutes.
  • Do not expect a dating site to vet out undesirables. Jason Dinsley, who murdered Sharon Siermans, had been in jail for a vicious rape and that was why he had been absent from the dating scene. Before the internet, one met other people’s co-workers, neighbors, third cousins, and so forth. Then these dates came with a known background. When I online datingwas at uni, my pals and I were into recycling. When we went out with perfectly lovely guys – that just were not our type – we passed them along to worthy friends with recommendations.
  • Keep your online dating profiles realistic with a recent photo. Have a friend check out your profile before posting it, to make sure it seems to potentially attract the type of person you are seeking. Please keep cats out of your picture and most of your profile. It is okay to say that you do not date people allergic to cats or dogs.
  • You have met someone you really like. Some people then arrange for a double or group date with friends. Particularly get feedback from your pals’ partners. Men can spot a phony with other men and women can suss out a social climber.
  • Consider paying more and going to a match-making dating site. They spend much time interviewing people and finding the most compatible dates. They also do background checks so this lessens the chance of dating a criminal.
  • Have fun. One meets a variety of people who could wind up as friends, a future boss or a friend’s husband. So many people meet partners online and are happy with the process. The important thing is to listen to any warning bells and to take heed of them.
  • If you are having dry spells between dates, ask friends for help. Get their candid opinions on your hair style, make up, and clothes. Maybe your appearance needs a little updating. Many stores have a stylist who could do an assessment and bring you into the 21st century for clothes, accessories and style.
  • Consider going to a dating coach when you have been out of the dating scene for so long. They help one to sort out issues to see what is not working with dates. Are you revealing too much, too soon? Talking about your ex? Like many other things, once you get more experience with dating again, it gets easier.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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love is still in the air

Love is still in the air – yes even for ‘us’!

Published on

I think you should be wondering why the emphasis right? Who are the ‘us’ I am referring to?

My marriage
Maria Abanga

Ok, I am part of the ‘us’, us as in Divorced, separated and all the like.

You see, when we take that kind of hit, the kind which only those of ‘us’ who have taken it can feel the nerves, we may not want to breathe or even mention that word L again.

Let me rewind my story a little. My first article with the noble Divorce Magazine was on Marriage my Refuge which you could refresh on right here. Now, you would be thinking that I am probably still feeling those nerves of hurt, hate, shame, pity, and just add those kind of adjectives usually used on or for ‘us’.

So, now I fast forward to present day and that is exactly 2 years,9 months and 2 days since I left that marriage to join the ranks of the ‘us’.

I remember falling on this quote by the diva Oprah Winfrey as shared on her twitter page of Oprah World and on a Facebook page for women who can change the world:

“I want a man who loves me as I am, but somehow still inspires me to be a better person.”

I thought to myself, instead or hanging around any much longer in the miserable club of the like of ‘us’, why not reach out try to find a gentleman.

I had also come across this befitting quote of a gentleman and so of course I was dreaming to ha – maybe at last – find one!

After all, does missing the first, second or third and even further times mean we are doomed? That we will forever be bartenders in the ‘us’ club? Isn’t Love in the same air and sky above and around us all and why not even in us all living?

Hence, I took action. Enough was enough. I had changed countries, I had ‘lost everything’, I had left my sons (my all) behind, I was determined to move forward. Yes I need to feel and breathe from that same air and no longer with melancholy linger at the ‘us’ club. I didn’t think I deserved to be left out of any more Valentine day celebration because, it was only one day a year and there wasn’t another day for the likes of ‘us’ .

love is still in the airI subscribed to a dating site, for as you all surely know, out here in europe and probably in the USA and all, people don’t just talk to one another on the streets like we do a little bit more back home. Moreover, it seems once you start hanging around the ‘us’ club, you get some invisible ‘mark of the beast’ which sort of repels – if you see what I mean!

But, on those sites, you can write and say as much as you want, and tread as slowly or quickly as you can, and feel any way you do. There are many ‘us likes’ there too and so you just type in search criteria like you were looking for the latest ‘I gadget’ – you know the ipods, ipads, i-shoulders and all right?

So I say, I am looking for a man with a ‘story’, a man who wouldn’t mind my ‘story’ and a man who is willing for us to try moving on together.

Yes, I wanted to find and meet that kind of man Oprah was talking about. I wanted to find and meet that king of gentleman the quote I had come across talked about. I wanted to find and meet a man who would proof read my book and still love me so.

And here is what I found. Oh it wasn’t easy right. Let me not make it sound so sweet but hey Val’s day is tomorrow.

I found a man yes who had also just joined the ‘us’ club (his wife left him like five months ago) but who was so scared of suffocating in there that he wanted out!

I found a man who was still so fragile but who was determined to become a gentleman all over. Gosh, I even met a white man and for me that was a feat because I had never even dated one before and I used to toy at the idea of meeting some romantic french guy.

Love is in the airThis in a few words is my tribute to this man whom I have fondly call my Darling Darling:

“You may wonder if I am not repeating a word here, but yes I am and on purpose. You see, when we met, I told him I will call him my Darling Darling and my Super Super Hero because I had hitherto called so many darling that he deserved the twinning.

So, to those still lingering in that club, in the ‘us’ club where I used to serve the tables and got paid in tears and pain, it is in your power to decide you have over stayed your welcome.

You could decide that you will breathe the same air all others breathe. You could decide, you will still use the L word and even if it doesn’t get past your lips, it could linger in your heart until the time is right. You know, the L word has a twin meaning for ‘us’ (hm tricky for I since left the club haha), it means Love and Live or the other way round if you prefer.

Should you continue to deprive yourself so much and waste away so bad and be full of reprieve at yourself or towards the other ‘us’ member of your former household? Did you see your name on the label of that bottle of gin you wouldn’t leave alone or on that joint you desperately crave for? Why can’t you shut out those thoughts of suicide, revenge and much more which are commonly and maybe openly discussed at the ‘us’ club?

Well, as for me, I did just that and yes I left the club. Decided I wanted to keep the L word in my vocabulary after all and look what I found. I mean no kidding but my DD got me my first smart phone, a kindle and so much more. He introduced me to his warm family and they adopted me and are spoiling me so good. I am happy and I really think I am much much better.

You see, I can even share my tales and mix the narratives with sour and sweet!

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How Your Beliefs Affect Your Relationships

How Your Beliefs Affect Your Relationships

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Soulmate Experience
Mali and Joe
Authors of
The Soulmate Experience

What does what you believe have to do with the soulmate experience?

It’s difficult to have an extraordinary relationship when your mind is cluttered with less-than-extraordinary beliefs. If you believe in lack, you’ll see lack wherever you look. If you believe in abundance, you’ll see abundance.

Although it’s possible to have a relationship with any set of beliefs, every limiting belief and inflexible position we hold will reduce our potential for a soulmate experience.

Changing or letting go of beliefs and positions that aren’t working for you will go a long way toward making you available for the enlightened relationship you desire. This is true both before you enter a relationship and when you’re in one.

First, raising the quality of the beliefs you hold about yourself will automatically raise your sense of self-worth. This is especially important to understand before you get into a new relationship. People with low self-worth tend to attract partners who also have low self-worth—and possibly even partners who will eventually turn to abusive behavior in order to try to feel in control.

The more you raise your self-worth, the higher the quality of the potential partners you will attract.

Second, when you’re in a relationship, having flexibility about what you believe will be very useful when it comes to keeping your relationship vibrant and alive. Learning how to change or let go of your beliefs when they aren’t serving you and your relationship will enable you to respond fluidly to—and make the most of—the challenges you are bound to encounter.

from Mali Soul mate experience

Many of our beliefs directly affect our ability to form and maintain healthy, rewarding intimate relationships. Consider these:

• “Women are never satisfied.”

• “Men aren’t emotionally available.”

• “Women aren’t reliable.”

• “Men can’t be trusted.”

• “There’s no one I’m really compatible with.”

What are the chances of having a truly connected experience with another human being if we go around with beliefs like these?

As Michael Naumer, who taught thousands how to have more loving, connected relationships, put it, “If you believe men are jerks, it’s amazing how many jerks you will attract! And you’ll be able to gather overwhelming evidence for how men are jerks. ‘You’re just like the rest of them,’ you’ll say. ‘I knew it all along.’”

In fact, one way to identify your core beliefs about relationships is to look at the similarities among the relationships you’ve had in the past.

About Mali and Joe

Excerpted with permission from The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships by Mali Apple and Joe Dunn. This bestselling book won a 2012 International Book Awards gold medal and a 2012 Living Now Awards silver medal. Mali and Joe are currently deep in the creation process of the second book in “The Soulmate Experience” series, The Soulmate Lover.

 

 

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