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Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine
It goes without saying that going through divorce is an emotionally charged process or journey.
So what can you do when someone tells you their marriage is over?
Here are the dos when helping a friend going through divorce:
- Just listen. You don’t need to come up with any solutions. You don’t need to offer any advice. You don’t need to do anything else other than listen. Be ready for those long telephone conversations and repetition about incidents and things that the spouse has done/said.
- Take the initiative. Go see your friend, be with him, call her. Sometimes people going through divorce feel, for various reasons, that they cannot approach others for help. Don’t leave it up to your friend to ask for help. Offer it and keep doing so.
- Do continue to invite her out for social events. It’s amazing how once you become single, the dinner parties and social events invites become thin on the ground. Get him out of the house as much as possible, keeping in mind that there will be times when your friend may prefer to be on his own which is fine too.
- If they are going through solicitors, attend the meetings with her and take a notebook/pad to take notes.
- Encourage your friend to keep the long view in mind, especially where children are concerned. We make strange and weird decisions when in anger.
- Do offer practical help e.g. cooking or looking after the children
And here are the don’ts.
- Don’t take sides. Remember that no matter what, the ex-spouse was/is someone whom your friend loved enough to marry and have children with. Also, you never know, they might just come back together. If you would like to continue being friends with both of them, then let them know.
- Don’t fan the flames of anger and resentment. Don’t share in his anger as a means of showing support. It’s not your anger to have and to hold. Divorce can be resolved with dignity. Yes it can.
- Don’t push your experiences onto them. If you have been through divorce yourself, by all means share your experiences but allow her to make his own legal decisions. Your experience was yours and each case is different. If you have information that can be beneficial, offer it but expect that it might not be the best one for her.
- Don’t rush them through the coping process but instead allow them to really feel the emotions and live through them. It’s all about processing what has happened and/or what is happening.
- Don’t start planning and organising blind dates for them. Let them find their way. Under the same breath, if they seem too eager to start dating almost immediately, speak with them about this as it might just be a means of getting away from the pain and loneliness.
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
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- She isn’t playing house with your child and your ex-husband.
Stepmoms are trying to build their own family, a very real family that includes their husband, and children who aren’t theirs.
Some of them will grow to love their stepchildren and some won’t, but they’re doing their best to ensure the child still grows up feeling happy and loved.
They’re nurturing a marriage and trying to figure out their role in the stepchild’s life. And while you knew your place in your child’s life from day one, stepmoms can spend years trying to find theirs.
- It’s not about YOU.
A stepmom’s priority is her marriage. When she does something for her stepchild, often the motivation has nothing to do with you. It’s not about trying to make you look bad or make you feel “less than.”
The motivation is the safety and happiness of her stepchild. The motivation is the love she has for her husband.
She’s trying to do the right thing.
Similarly, when she supports her husband, the intention is not to go “against” you. In fact, there are times when stepmoms actually side with mom, although — unless you have a decent relationship with the stepmom in your situation — you’d never know it.
- Stepmoms often feel powerless and alone.
Stepmoms have no legal rights with their stepchild. They understand this; their stepchild already has a mom and a dad. But it gets difficult when they’re turned away for trying to obtain something as simple as a library card for their stepson or stepdaughter. Or when the doctor’s office won’t give them any information, even though they will be the one driving the child to the appointment and giving them their medication.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, especially for stepmoms who have taken care of their stepchildren since they were very small.
It can make a woman feel unimportant and insignificant. It’s a feeling only a fellow stepmom could understand.
In addition, stepmoms are often powerless when it comes to their stepchild’s behavior. This is a struggle, because they are greatly affected by the unwanted behavior, but they don’t have the authority to do anything about it. If they’re lucky, their husband will be supportive and listen to their concerns, but this isn’t always the case.
- When you contact their household, it often feels weird and disruptive. Stepmoms know you have the right to call your children as often as you’d like. And they understand you need to talk to your ex occasionally about parenting issues. But it can still feel like an intrusion.
Stepmoms are constantly struggling to find ways to bond with their stepchildren. And when you call, it interrupts the activity in the house and their stepchildren are immediately distracted. Any bonding that was going on is gone.
Stepmoms may feel as though you’ve crept into every aspect of their lives. And your calling their house is another painful reminder of that.
- Stepmoms don’t cross your boundaries on purpose, they just can’t see them.
Many moms complain that the stepmom is trying to “parent” their child. But a fundamental problem seems to be, what moms consider “parenting,” stepmoms consider “being responsible” or “supporting their husbands.”
Remember, many stepmoms aren’t sure of their role.
They’re stumbling along, figuring it out as they go. And it’s difficult to try and do the ‘right thing’ only to realize you’ve just caused mom a coronary. It’s not intentional.
Stepmoms wish there was a rule book. They wish the situations were black and white. They wish they could be on the same page as mom and dad, and know how to handle every situation.
But they don’t.
This is where neutral, open communication would be to everyone’s advantage.
Unfortunately, for many stepmoms, their first experience of mom is an emotionally-charged phone call, email or text telling her she has “no right” to do whatever it is she did. To a stepmom, this feels like you’re kicking her when she’s already down. It comes as a shock — because again — her primary intention was to help her husband and care for her stepchild.
- A stepmom’s marriage has a 60-70 percent chance of failing. And one Boston study reported that 75% of the women who were surveyed said if they had it to do all over, they would NOT marry a man with children. That says a lot about the difficulties stepmoms face.
This may not mean much to you personally, but it means your children will have to experience the prolonged process of a second divorce and deal with the aftermath.
- Stepmoms are often disrespected or ignored by their stepchildren. There are various reasons for this, chief among them understandable and agonizing loyalty conflicts for the child, but regardless — it still hurts. Stepmoms are only human.
Life isn’t always flowers and butterflies at the other household. Many children feel weird about having a stepmom. They don’t know what it means or what to do with it, so they act out or just ignore the stepmom, which is awkward for everyone.
And most stepmoms don’t have “unconditional love” to fall back on. When a child misbehaves, wreaks havoc, or throws a tantrum, parents may get angry and frustrated, but their unconditional love makes it bearable.
Stepmoms aren’t so lucky. There’s no unconditional love coming to rescue them from wanting to scream at their stepchild or run the other way, sob somewhere private, and never look back. All they have are difficult feelings and nowhere to put them.
But they do come back, day after day, because they believe their marriage and their stepfamily are worth it.
- A simple “thank you” can go a long way.
Stepmoms wish you’d give them even the smallest acknowledgement. For a lot of women, being a stepmom is one of the hardest things they’ve ever done. Often, their needs and wants come last, their schedules aren’t their own, and they’re affected by a situation they didn’t create.
Many stepmoms take excellent care of their stepchild, with little or no reward. They get no thank you, no love from the child, and no appreciation from anyone but their husband — if they’re lucky.
They make many sacrifices in order to be with the man they love. So to only be referenced as “she” (or even worse), or to be completely ignored by you, can hurt them deeply. What they wouldn’t give for a simple “thank you” or a nod in their direction.
I believe that kind of recognition can heal wounds.
Do stepmoms ever act from ego or a sense of competition with the ex-wife?
Sure, just as some moms do.
But it’s important to grasp the implications of a bigger context here: being a stepmom is uniquely difficult and confusing. If you’re a mom, could you see yourself struggling in her shoes?
Perhaps, one day, with a better understanding of each other, the mom/stepmom relationship will be one of championing the other, instead of automatic conflict.
Jenna Korf is the leading stepmom coach in Upstate New York. She is co-author of the book, “Skirts At War: Beyond Divorced Mom/Stepmom Conflict” (read a free chapter here), a Certified Stepfamily coach, an RCI Certified Relationship coach, a Registered Nurse, a continuing education provider for therapists (License #PCE 5195), a stepmom and a stepchild!
In addition to coaching stepmoms and couples around the globe, Jenna offers a certification course in stepfamily dynamics through Stepfamily-Help.com. She was also a contributing writer for StepMom Magazine (2011-8/2015), a blogger for The Huffington Post and has been featured on CNN.com, parenting.com and care.com. She was also the stepmom voice on the (now defunct) blog No One’s the Bitch.
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I have been working with children and families for over 12 years now specialising in the area of trauma, loss and bereavement and what I have found is that, what has happened is important, but what is even more crucial is how it’s handled.
When parents go through divorce, it can affect children in various ways depending very much on the process itself and the after care.
The divorce process is already hard enough, physically, emotionally and mentally. Parents will at times not be able to care for their little ones as they wish to because they are just not emotionally and mentally available or they may behave in a way that they believe is conducive to their child’s well being but in honest truth it’s only beneficial to them.
The most important things to remember when helping children cope with divorce are the following:
- Get yourself some support. Put your own support system in place that will look after you by being objective as opposed to one that will fan the flames of your anger or negative emotions. Use the people you have chosen or who have offered you assistance to vent your emotions, look after the children while you rest or get on with whatever you need to do and who will even be happy to accompany you to various appointments e.g. your solicitor if need be. Don’t go it alone and please don’t be afraid to ask.
Pay attention to the questions your children ask about what has happened or what is happening. It’s easy to assume that they understand why the divorce is happening while in most cases they don’t really get it and this applies to teenagers too. So do answer their questions as best as possible and as honestly as possible.
- Avoid making promises that you know are out of your control. For instance don’t promise that you and daddy or mummy will eventually get back together, that it’s just a temporary separation or that you will see them every weekend if you know that that has not been agreed to yet.
- Create parenting plans that are appropriate for their age. A parenting plan created for a 3 year old is unlikely to work on a 10 year old. Also be prepared to adjust the plan as your child grows. In teenage years for instance, they will wish to spend more time with their friends than you and the family. That is absolutely developmental appropriate and expected.
- If at all possible, trying using a family mediator or a Mackenzie friend to help you through the divorce process. They are not only much cheaper than going through solicitors and the courts, but, and more importantly, play a vital role in keeping you and your ex-partner focused on what needs to be done while making sure you don’t stray due to emotions running high. Creating a parenting plan and sorting out the finances can be done in only a few sessions.
- Do let your child’s school know what is going on. You child spends a lot of his/her waking time at school so he/she will need looking after there as much as at home. Also school will let you know of any behavioural changes that they may have noticed since the divorce.
- If you are concerned about your child’s experience and changes in behaviour, then do contact a professional who can help you continue parenting your child as you would like. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing this, on the contrary, it means that you are continuing to look after your child by getting you and him/her help so as to make them feel better.
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
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If 10 years ago you told me that at the age of 32 I would be divorced, I would have probably laughed so hard in your face.
Never in my entire life had that thought ever crossed my mind.
I clearly remember just after I got married and I went to visit one of my relatives and my uncle said to me: ‘’Well, wishing you all the best. Keep in mind that children from divorced families always end up getting divorced’’.
This came as a complete shock to me, especially coming from a blood relative, but that statement somehow always lingered behind my sub conscious.
Fast forward 2012 when my ex and I parted ways. Nobody really prepares you for this part of your life. Forget about the conversations and agreeing on going separate ways; the hardest part is actually walking away from it all, from what has been your life and love for years. Nobody can prepare you enough for that!
But once you are out, when you have the balls to actually move out, then you are ready for the next step.
Finding a place to live in a foreign country with a foreign language is extremely hard, especially when you are not conversant with the language.
That was my biggest struggle, but thanks to Google translate, I was able to understand part of documents that I was signing.
Hard part was when I had to move! I did it all alone! The day I actually drove back and forth between my ‘new home’ and what was soon to become my ‘old home’ made me realize how people live such isolated lives in the West.
I missed my friends and family back home so much it hurt. I remember crying all the way to my new apartment and all the way back.
I had never felt so alone in my entire life! I was going through so much emotion at some point I got numb from it all. At that point I realized that I was in a foreign country all alone and I could either crumble down from my pain or actually be strong and get moving! I decided to get moving!
Then came the pain….when I was all alone in my new apartment, with just walls around me…pin drop silence…just me and my thoughts.
When I was forced to face my emotions and what I was going through head on. I cried for hours!
It felt so good to be able to cry. I realized just how much I had died inside. I numbed my emotions for years in order to avoid the pain, but here was I all alone and the reality hit me so hard that tears came down freely. I needed to do that. I needed to water my soul again after such numbness for years! And boy didn’t I drown my soul!
After that night, it was one step at a time. The meeting with the lawyer, drawing up the divorce covenant, separating accounts etc.
Signing the papers with the lawyer was such a relief!
I felt like a heavy burden had been lifted off my shoulder!
I knew I had my life back and I was determined to live it to the fullest! That included finding love, and this time I was determined to find love that would help me grow as an individual, love that would be unconditional, love that would have respect and trust, love that would bring friendship before anything else.
Love that would let me be myself and not a shadow of someone else, love that would set my sprit free. And I found it!
6 months after my divorce! I have never been this happy as I am at this moment in my life!
I can honestly say that the divorce was a good thing for me. I have no regrets about my previous marriage, it was part of life that I needed to go through to cave me into this wonderful person I am today.
I know 100% for sure that I would not be half the person I am today if I hadn’t gone through the life I did in my previous marriage and through the divorce. There are so many things I could have done different, but I wouldn’t change anything because the experiences made me.
I should have walked out sooner for sure, but I wouldn’t change my past. I learnt so much about myself in the whole process.
- I learnt that I am responsible for my own happiness, nobody is and that is the truth and the naked truth. I owned my happiness and it was my responsibility to take charge of it, nobody was going to hand it to me on a silver platter.
- I learnt that if you suppress one emotion you suppress ALL emotions. You can never fool your subconscious! For many years I suppressed my anger and pain so much, in the process I killed love, laughter and joy. I got numb from everything, a mistake I will never make again.
- I learnt that if you don’t speak up or stand up for yourself, people will walk all over you and trust me they will! Being brought up in a typical African culture, I was taught to never really say exactly what I was feeling. I was so passive. This meant that I let people walk all over me all the time including my ex husband.
- I learnt that the mind, soul and heart will always adjust to any situation: bad or good. Take one step from your emotions and make a decision using your brain rather than your heart. Everything else will adjust later on.
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Yes, there is light at the end of the tunnel I learnt that I am ‘Society’ and I could make my own rules and live my life the way “society’ wanted me to live. I was my own “Society” and I made my own rules. I stopped worrying so much about what the rest of the ‘Society’ viewed divorce and decided that the rest would just have to adjust to my choice. This included my friends and family.
- I learnt that friendship has levels and purposes. Some friends are only meant to be in your life for a specific period and nothing else, some friends are meant to come into your life to solely help you get past something and move on, some friends are meant to only love with you, some friends are meant to cry with you, some friends are meant to lift you up emotionally and spiritually, while some friends need you to lift them instead. Once a friendship has served it’s full purpose, it’s best to let it go. Holding on to it, when it’s purpose is complete will only cause pain to friends. With that in mind , I have been able to let go of friendship that don’t serve any purpose and been able to make amazing new friendship, temporary and permanent!
- I learnt that there is so much love out there! There is someone who is ready and open to love you! There is someone whose heart and yours are waiting to connect. There is someone who is waiting for you to get into their life, either temporary or permanently! There is so much love in this world, you just need to open your heart!
- The best I learnt was that I am an amazing soul..a wonderful sister,a great colleague, a good daughter, a beautiful friend. I am a strong woman who is not afraid to get in touch with her emotions. I am a strong women who is not afraid to take chances! I am no longer afraid to stand up for myself and to speak when I need to. I am no longer ready to live behind the shadow! I am no longer afraid to be vulnerable; to take chances on love; to let people in and out of my life; to be comfortable in my own skin! I am no longer afraid to be me!
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Parenting Practitioner
Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine
As a person who works with parents going through divorce, the tough part is seeing how a parent’s anger and need for vengeance takes precedence over her children’s wellbeing or his child’s welfare.
There will never, ever be a time in a child’s life where it will be ok to put them in situations where mental anguish and emotional distress become part of his or her day.
Yet you would be surprised how many divorcing parents do this to their children over and over again because they have lost focus, become distracted and blinded by anger, hurt and revenge so much so that they begin running an agenda at the expense of their child who is then left to pick up the tab.
Losing Focus of the Children During Divorce? Let me Count the Ways
- When you hate your ex more than you love your children so expose them to anything and everything that will purportedly hurt him/her with your children being taken as collateral damage.
- When you chose to interrupt your child’s relationship with the other parent by keeping the two apart, sometimes, very, sadly for the rest of their childhood forgetting that one day, one day, this little child is going to grow up and you will have to answer to them and explain why they had to grow up without a daddy. You’d better have a really good response.
If this is something you’re doing at the moment, you may think you’re winning because you have the children and that you’re succeeding in hurting him, but keep in mind that your children will resent you for that one day. The backlash on you is definitely looming.
- When you involve your children in adult matters that they neither have the ability to comprehend nor do anything about. Children who are sent to school, dropped off at the gate and told to have a good day, after being informed that on that very day, there was going to be a court hearing to decide who his/her is going to live with. Or the child who knows exactly how much money is being paid towards maintenance and when this isn’t forthcoming they not only hear about it over and over again, but they live through it and suffer the consequences of something they really have no business knowing.
We wouldn’t allow anyone to inflict harm on our children, in fact, I know many parents who would rather die or be imprisoned than watch their children being harmed, mentally, emotionally or physically, yet, here they are doing the same thing to their children because…they are angry with the ex!
- When your insidious curiosity about what is going on in the other home drags your children into the role of spy and reporter. “Who was there? What did you do? How long did they stay?”
- When your unwillingness to communicate with your partner turns your children into messengers and go betweeners, commonly seen when it comes to telephone conversations. You child picks up the phone and says, “Daddy would like to speak with you.” You don’t want to so you say, “Ask him what he wants.” And on it goes. During this time, all your child is feeling is fear, frustration and anxiety. He doesn’t want to be there but you have both put him there. Or you drop off your child with a message for your ex, “Tell mummy I can’t make it next weekend. I’m going out of town.” And off you drive, leaving your child to pass on a charged message. Right there you’ve used your child as a buffer.
- When your unwillingness to get on and communicate turns your child into the mediator and all they do is try to appease the situation between the two adults in the room.
- When you decide that the stress you’re going through right now with visitation and contact is more important than seeing your own children so you decide you “cannot take it anymore” and you cut off contact without explanation, notice nor reason. Many years down the line, you try and explain to your child that you couldn’t take the stress and then listen to him telling you what it was like growing up without a father or mother.
- When you allow for your child to become your carer. That they look after you, make sure that you are ok. When you turn to them to tell them of your woes, worries and suffering since their other parent left. When you tell them, in not so many words, that you cannot cope when they are not there, when they have gone off with their other parent which in turn means that even when they are away, they are concerned about you instead of just being children.
Divorce is hard. I know that. I have been through it twice so I do know and understand, but like I said right at the beginning, there will never, ever be a time when your own needs preceed those of your children’s wellbeing, welfare and happiness.
If it means putting up with your ex to make sure that your children are thriving between two households then so be it.
If you’re finding it hard to cope because your ex is determined to make your life hell, then find or create your own support system, see a therapist if that’s what it takes. She or he will be able to provide you with coping skills that can help you now and in the long run.
About Soila
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
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Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine
No, unfortunatly it doesn’t. Anger doesn’t end with divorce.
For so many going through divorce, the crossing of the threshold to a new life seems to be the eagerly anticipated sound of the decree absolute landing on the doormat.
We believe in earnest that once the divorce is over, then we can get on with our lives allowing for a good life after divorce without the ex that we are dying to get rid off.
We have divorce parties to celebrate with well thought out and decorated divorce cakes to go with it or we go out for celebratory drinks and meals with friends because the divorce papers have been signed, divorce process is over and now all that is left is to look forward to moving on and eventually start dating again. It’s done and dusted and there’s no looking back.
And for some it is.
For me, the arrival of the decree absolute was such an anticlimax!
Truth is though that anger doesn’t end with divorce.
If the divorce process was shrouded in hostility, bitterness and animosity then it’s safe to assume that these emotions will not simply dissipate now that the marriage is over. You still have to parent your children together and you will still need to communicate at some level or other.
A good friend of mine firmly stated the other day, that she would not be attending her son’s graduation ceremony if he’s going to be there. She was justifiably annoyed by something her ex had done and/or said a couple of weeks prior.
Thing is, and I’m sure most of you will agree with me, it’s not just the graduation, there will be loads and loads of other ceremonies where you and your ex are bound to meet. Think, school events, graduation ceremonies, birthdays, weddings, christenings and all the other ceremonies in between and beyond. What will happen then?
So unfortunately, anger doesn’t end with divorce because anger is indeed the culmination of a myriad of other emotions including hurt and fear.
So this is what I suggest to you, if you have had a truly acrimonious divorce, if you continue and continue to feel angry about the whole process or for whatever reason – be honest – then do something about it. Deal with it, see someone and learn how to cope with your ex because your life together is not over yet.
Best pieces of advice I ever got –
- Don’t take it personally. He would have been behaving the same way he is with someone else. It just happens to be you.
- It is what it is.
- When in an argument – look from the outside in. Remove yourself and become an onlooker. This helps to disengage with the process and you actually see things differently – comes with practice and works in soooo many other situations.
So, if you’re going through the divorce process now and you have children between you, I hate to be the one to tell you this but, you’re not done with your spouse or the parent of your child, so find a system that will help you cope with life as a co-parent and remember, as someone once said, your ex is not your child’s ex so keep them out of your clashes, bickering and quarrels.
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
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How much of the compensation received by one party to a marriage or civil partnership for personal injuries they’ve suffered should be given to the other party on divorce or dissolution?
This is a question that is currently being considered by a Court in a divorce case between a former soldier severely injured whilst serving in Afghanistan and his wife.
Corporal Simon Vaughan suffered catastrophic injuries in 2008 as a result of the explosion of a roadside bomb in Helmand Province whilst he was serving with the Army and was not expected to survive.
Corporal Vaughan has been left with brain damage and is a wheelchair user who types into an electronic device in order to communicate with others. He received approximately £1.1 million compensation for his injuries from the MOD and some private insurance policies. Those funds were expected to cover the costs of his medical care and health needs for the rest of his life.
Sadly, in February 2013 his wife, Donna, left him and Simon is now living in the bungalow which was bought and adapted to his needs at great expense and reportedly only £200,000 of the compensation is now left in cash to fund his care.
The Court is hearing evidence from Donna and Simon as to what proportion of the compensation should be paid to her to help her bring up the two children of the marriage. Some reports even suggest that the bungalow will have to be sold to help fund the divorce settlement.
Many people don’t realise that compensation for injuries suffered can be and is taken into account when considering a financial settlement on divorce or dissolution of a civil partnership.
However, the ongoing needs of both parties to the separation and their children are also relevant factors when determining how much, if any, of that compensation should be paid to the uninjured spouse or partner.
It will be interesting to see how the Judge in this case deals with the competing claims and balances Simon’s considerable needs with those of Donna and the children.
Kirpal Bidmead is a Partner and Head of Family Law at Flint Bishop. She has almost 20 years of experience as a solicitor is recommended by The Legal 500
Kirpal Bidmead is also an accredited member of Resolution, where her specialist subjects are Advanced Financial Provision and Advocacy.
She handles cases involving complex financial issues and matters involving arrangements for the children of the family and specialises in protecting the interests of high net worth clients on a daily basis.
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Head of Family at
K J Smith Solicitors
London courts are increasingly getting a reputation for being more generous when it comes to divorce payouts.
This is creating something of a North/South divide when it comes to divorce, as more and more wives seek to have their cases settled in the South in the hope of achieving a more favourable settlement.
Family law firms across the country have reported observing this trend, with some even suggesting that there could be a “maintenance map” illustrating likely size of divorce payouts and length of maintenance arrangement terms across different areas of the UK.
London judges, in particular, are generally perceived as being more likely to favour settlements that will see spouses supported financially in the longer term, as opposed to shorter fixed-term maintenance orders.
Courts not just in London but in the wider South East region if not the South as a whole also have a reputation of favouring the wife when it comes to divorce.
By contrast, Northern courts are perceived as less “pro-wife” and more in favour of the husband when it comes to settlements. Even within a region, however, there is a lot of variation from court to court and from town to town.
Some courts favour an equal split in assets with no ongoing maintenance arrangement in order to give both spouses a clean break. Others favour long-term, regular maintenance payments from the more financially independent spouse to their former partner.
Traditionally, wives (who have most commonly been the financially dependent half of a marriage in the past) could expect such support payments to last until they remarried, but maintenance arrangements are now increasingly becoming fixed-term affairs. Once again, there is a lot of variation between different courts, towns and regions as to how long these tend to last.
The divorce system is designed to reach settlements on a case-by-case basis, supposedly delivering an appropriate outcome for each case based on the needs of each individual involved. Nonetheless, research suggests that the idea that wives can receive better payouts from London courts than they could elsewhere in the country is more than just perception.
Compared to the North, it seems those having their cases heard in London are more likely to successfully secure marital assets as well as ongoing financial support payments from their former partners.
According to Nigel Shepherd, formerly chairman of family law organisation Resolution, divorce rulings can be something of a “lottery.”
“The upside of our discretionary system,” Shepherd said, “is that it is designed to be flexible so judges can tailor the outcome to the needs of the parties. The downside of that is the lack of consistency or certainty as to outcome. It varies tremendously.”
Some people are essentially shopping around to find the most favourable place to have their divorce cases heard. However, this may prove counter-intuitive, as the process of looking around and having the case heard elsewhere can increase costs and cause delays.
This article was contributed by Kerry Smith, Head of Family at K J Smith Solicitors, specialists in family law, with offices in Henley-on-Thames, Windsor, Reading, Basingstoke , London and Guildford.
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Every change, big or small, has some impact. Arm yourself with this eight-point guide.
No matter how safe, secure, predictable and stable your life is, you will still have to cope with change at points along the way. Change is a normal and essential part of life, yet, ironically, when we’re in the middle of it, it feels anything but normal.
Changes can be enormous – a marriage, new home, baby, new job, divorce, bereavement.
Everyone knows that these levels of change can be very stressful and difficult to cope with. But small changes can have a big impact too, though they are often underestimated. Things like a new routine in your day, losing or gaining weight, cutting your hair short, changing a room around, not seeing a familiar face any more, can affect you for some time.
It doesn’t make any difference whether you’ve chosen the change or not, it will still have an impact on you. Imagine deciding on something as small as sleeping without a pillow.
At first it would feel odd, you wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, you’d wake up in the night with a sense of loss, and wonder whether you’d ever get used to it. It might be a couple of months before sleeping without a pillow felt normal to you. And that’s the real point: change can’t be rushed. It’s about the transition from one set of circumstances to another, and that takes time.
Some people love change and make changes in their lives often. Too often, though, and there’s a danger of becoming bored too easily and getting hooked on the new. Others dread change and agonise through it. But most of us are somewhere in the middle, enjoying a certain amount of change, but not too much.
The trouble with change is that it has a cluster effect. One change often seems to be followed by several more, and it can feel as though your whole world is changing. So here’s my guide to coping with change as easily as possible:
1) Expect a reaction – People often say: ‘I don’t know why it’s affected me so much’, and criticise themselves for crying, laughing, or feeling moody. All these, and every other emotion, are normal in the face of change – any change.
2) Let yourself grieve – Change, no matter how good it is, means loss. When something in your life changes you lose the old way of being or the old set of circumstances. And loss means grief and nostalgia.
3) Go with the flow – Resist and be rigid in the face of change and it will be a lot more painful. The secret is to be flexible and you can ride it out more easily. Think of yourself like a boat in a storm. Turn against the waves and they’ll crush you, go with them and they’ll carry you home.
4) Hang onto the familiar – If the change is big then keep up many familiar things as you can – and remind yourself of how much in your life isn’t changing. Stick to your usual routines, see people you normally see, and reassure yourself that not everything has to change just because some things have.
5) Get support – Don’t try to cope alone or keep your feelings to yourself. Talk about it, have a hug, a laugh, a cup of tea and a bit of reassurance. Being brave doesn’t always mean managing alone, it may mean finding the courage to ask for help.
6) Divide it up – When possible, divide bigger changes into smaller steps. For instance, a house move, a wedding or a divorce involves several stages. When you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the change, concentrate on the step you’ve reached, rather than the bigger picture.
7) Find the good in it – Some changes feel awful – death, illness, financial loss and many others can feel like the end of the world. Sometimes you have to look very hard to find the blessing in such changes, but there always is one. It’s through change that we grow wiser and stronger and learn to make better decisions.
8) Know that it will end – All change comes to an end when the new circumstances are in place and become familiar to you. Every change, no matter how big, will end and you’ll return to a feeling of normality. Keep this in mind when you feel as though you’re in the middle of a bumpy ride.
If you have found the above helpful and are interested in receiving my ‘7 Tips for How To Deal With Change’ please email me at info@catseyecoaching.com.
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Family Law Associate with Flint Bishop
I was prompted to write this brief article after reading an interesting piece by Sue Atkins on how to help your children deal with boy band One Direction splitting up.
Whilst I care little for One Direction’s decision to separate, it did make me think about the role of a Family Solicitor instructed following a marriage or relationship breakdown, and more so the importance of sound advice when there are children involved.
Whilst we must adhere to our client’s instructions, in such an emotive area of law, we must be able to assess and advise on the impact of separation on the client’s circumstances, but also the impact on their children.
Sue’s article made me think about how fragile a child’s emotions can be and how important it is to make sure they do not lose trust in their parents.
I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve heard clients berate their ex in the ‘heat of the moment’ or shortly after separation, when emotions are still high and the effects of the relationship breakdown are still being felt.
However, this makes the role of a Family Solicitor crucial, not only for our clients, but for the children.
As a member of Resolution (an organisation committed to a constructive, non-confrontational approach to family law matters), I subscribe to the Code of Guidance, which amongst other things, states that children matters should be kept separate from divorce/relationship breakdown and financial matters.
This is hugely important, but we must bear in mind that our advice in relation to how a client should deal with the divorce or relationship breakdown, or what a fair financial settlement is, will inevitably impact the children.
For example, if a parent wishes to deal with separation in a bullying or confrontational way, this will obviously cause further tension between parents which may spill out in front of the children in an argument.
Will the child be affected by seeing their parents arguing; or hearing them blame each other for where they are or who caused the relationship to breakdown?
Finding an amicable and fair way through the myriad of issues created when parents separate is not easy but it is essential.
If, as Family Solicitors, we are not advising our clients to try and maintain at the very least a working parental relationship, the impact on the children may be felt both in the immediate aftermath of separation and throughout their lives; at birthday parties, school assemblies and graduations.
What will the impact be on a child if only one of their parents attends? Will this cause a child to lose some of their respect and trust for one or both of their parents? More importantly, is it a risk worth taking?
I am sure that you will agree that it is not a risk worth taking. For that reason, amongst others, it is incredibly important that we are able to offer honest and practical advice to clients, giving consideration not only to what our client wants, but also pointing out that what they decide will inevitably impact on their children.
The consequences of separation and how this is dealt with, however unintended, can have detrimental impacts on children ranging from low self-esteem, parental mistrust or alienation.
As a Family Solicitor, the impact on the children must be considered when giving legal advice.
The best advice that I can offer is to take a step back. We have all been guilty of making a rash decision when angry or annoyed and often regret it shortly after.
As a Family Solicitor, it is important to maintain a calm approach and look to resolve the matter without getting your client embroiled in arguments or issues, which can be avoided. Unfortunately, there may be no way of undoing the damage caused to a child’s relationship with their parent if you do not maintain such an approach.
If you have any further questions or wish to discuss anything in this article, please do not hesitate to contact me on 01332 226185.
Ben Lawson is a Family Law Associate Solicitor with Flint Bishop and chair of the Derby Junior Lawyers and an active member of the Derby and District Law Society Social Committee.
He is also a Resolution member and mentor students studying law at the University of Derby.
In 2015 Ben was nominated for ‘Family Law Young Solicitor of the Year’.
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Founder of The Divorce Magazine
There is little else more difficult than providing a caring environment for your children while going through the divorce process yourself.
It’s easy from time to time to slip and behave in a way that is hurtful to them at that moment and when this happens, guilt is the strong emotion that swiftly ensues.
I’ve put together a short list of what you could keep in mind when going through the divorce process as well as for your life after divorce so as to make sure the children are all right:
Check list for Children of Divorce – Providing a Caring Environment
- Unless there are major issues of concern in terms of safety, do help your child keep in regular contact with the other parent. There are several ways that this can be done;g. by phone, Skype, letter, audio and videotapes, email, etc.
- Keep predictable schedules, as this helps create a sense of security for your child. Just as it’s important for you to know what is happening in your own life from one day to the next, so it is for your child.
- When you start a new relationship, avoid introducing your child to him/her too soon. Also avoid exposing your child to your world of dating.
- Avoid any arguments during exchanges and transitions, as this will only create a sense of anxiety in your child, especially if this often happens. Try to imagine the amount of anxiety your child has to endure, knowing that you both will be coming face to face soon. Understand that it also takes a while for your child’s anxiety levels to come down again. Make transitions as quick and as smooth as possible.
- Despite how you feel about the other parent, do help your child create and nurture a relationship with her other parent. For instance, help her choose a gift for Fathers’ Day or Mothers’ Day as well as birthdays, and remind them to call Daddy/M
- During transitions and exchanges, you may find that your child wants to carry something from one home to another, e.g. a favourite toy, book or photos. This is very normal, and creates a sense of continuation for them. One divorced couple I know, although not generally on good terms, had a routine of starting to read a story in one home and finishing it in the other to provide continuity.
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Providing a Caring Environment – Avoid introducing your child to your world of dating. I can never say this enough – avoid involving your child in adult matters. These may include detailed reasons for why the divorce happened, financial problems and how Mummy cheated on Daddy with “Uncle Peter” last summer or vice versa with “Auntie Sophie”.
- As far as possible, do try to create similar routines in both homes for such daily and routine activities as mealtimes, bedtimes and homework times.
- Handle rules and discipline in similar ways, as this gives your child a sense of where the boundaries lie and how far they can push them. They should soon realise that they cannot play one parent off against the other. My daughter once asked me to buy her something from the supermarket which she is usually not allowed to have. When I declined, she very politely said, “Don’t worry, M I’ll ask Daddy. He’ll get it for me.” Needless to say, I “reported” this conversation back to her father and she was immediately informed, “it doesn’t work like that here.”
- Just as you help maintain contact with your child’s other parent, remember she also has relationships with members of her extended family, such as grandparents, cousins and step-parents, so do help support these relationships too so that your child doesn’t suffer any unnecessary relationship loss
- For the sake of your child’s development and happiness, be as flexible as possible with your schedules so that she does not miss out on any special family occasions. Allowing children of divorced parents to attend such events only enhances their sense of identity, wellbeing and relationships with extended family members.
- When travelling abroad or away from home for a prolonged period of time, do remember to provide the other parent with your travel itinerary and any other information they may need, regarding your child’s holiday away. Thank goodness for Skype! When my daughters are away, I not only get to speak with them, but I get to see them too, and them me. It’s a super communication tool.
- I know this isn’t always easy, but do try to keep communications with your ex-partner as civil and respectful as possible. If this is not possible, do use other means of communicating so that your child is not exposed to any conflict between the two of you. One lady I know asked a friend of hers to read all emails from her ex-partner. This friend would then relate back what the email said, omitting anything rude or inflammatory, that would upset her friend.
Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce
She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.
Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.
Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.
You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
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