moving on after divorce - Page 7

Coping and dealing with divorce
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In Conversation with Vena Ramphal – Her Divorce Journey and Growing from Divorce

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Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal

In this candid interview, Vena Ramphal, Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures, gives us insight into her own divorce journey.

She talks to us about her marriage, why it ended and what she learned from the whole divorce process and experience,

When it comes to divorce advice, Vena urges us to think of divorce as a completion rather than as a splitting up.

This completely changes the way we think about relationships, about endings, about going on to the next chapter of our lives and it changes the we think about marriage into a much, much healthier way.

When committed to happiness first then we are able to shine and give the best of ourselves.

As Vena speaks of her divorce experience, she blends in some really terrific divorce advice that may not only help you in coping with divorce and helping children cope with divorce, but also to probably find the answer to the question, “should I get a divorce?”

We won’t tell you more – just click play, listen and walk away with something you didn’t know or have before.

Vena Ramphal is the Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

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Empowerment in Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Being empowered in divorce is the opposite from viewing oneself as a victim.

It is the difference from being in a place of strength to feeling out of control during and post-divorce.

Assess what you can control and what is out of your hands. You may be surprised that you really do have more input in your proceedings and can take a more active role.

Speak to your solicitor or mediator about what you want to get out of the divorce, preferably also in writing for their future reference.

I know a few acquaintances that felt helpless and just went with the flow, instead of being assertive. They are kicking themselves now post-divorce.

Empower yourself with knowledge.

A great site that answers many divorce questions is www.gov.uk and gives a glimpse of what to expect. Look up on calculate-your-child-maintenance the calculator which indicates what to expect for child maintenance in your situation.

Knowing what to anticipate ahead of time lets you think about Plan B. If you will be the receiver, and the amount seems too low, have a list ready of what else could be thrown in – sports, camp fees or other activities to be included as child support.

If you are the payer, offer more in spousal maintenance which is a tax break for you, and less in child maintenance, which is not. Being empowered is having an idea what you are up against in divorce and forming plans on how to deal with it.

Empowerment in Divorce
Empowerment in Divorce – Take up painting again

One fellow who survived an acrimonious divorce suggests having a “victory garden.” Grow some vegetables – even in containers- to show the children that you are self-sufficient. Putting food on the table that you grew is another way to feel empowered. The added bonus is nurturing living things takes the focus off your problems and on to what is thriving in your care.

Uncertain financial footing can put someone in a tail spin.

One woman took her personal items, engagement ring, and family heirlooms to a business who sells goods online. She did this after her husband walked out and before she had hired a solicitor. She felt empowered going into the divorce, since cash would be coming soon.

Some solicitors advise their clients to get a job during divorce so that they feel more in control. Not only does this boost their self-esteem, but enables them to feel more secure during the proceedings when they know they have earning power.

Think about what your talents are and in what areas you excel.

Take up painting again as several divorce people did or get back into baking, sports, etc. Finding what you are good at and enjoying these endeavours, increases your self-worth and self-esteem.

One way another person tries to be in a place of power is by taking some else’s away and tearing them down. This is harder for them to do when you are recognizing and getting positive feedback on your strengths. Are you excellent in some of your roles? This may be as the star on your work team, being a great son, community volunteer, or parent. Visualize how well you are doing in these relationships when feeling helpless in divorce.

Be kind and nurture yourself to be in a position of strength.

Exercise, get plenty of sleep and eat nutritiously, even if it is healthy take-away. If you are sleep deprived, have low blood sugar, ready to cry or explode, this is going to hinder being empowered in divorce. Get centred, and take your time in responding, to keep yourself in a place of power during divorce and co-parenting.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Coping with Change

Coping with Change

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Siobhan Fitzpatrick of Catseye Coaching
Siobhan Fitzpatrick of Catseye Coaching

Every change, big or small, has some impact. Arm yourself with this eight-point guide.

No matter how safe, secure, predictable and stable your life is, you will still have to cope with change at points along the way. Change is a normal and essential part of life, yet, ironically, when we’re in the middle of it, it feels anything but normal.

Changes can be enormous – a marriage, new home, baby, new job, divorce, bereavement.

Everyone knows that these levels of change can be very stressful and difficult to cope with. But small changes can have a big impact too, though they are often underestimated. Things like a new routine in your day, losing or gaining weight, cutting your hair short, changing a room around, not seeing a familiar face any more, can affect you for some time.

It doesn’t make any difference whether you’ve chosen the change or not, it will still have an impact on you. Imagine deciding on something as small as sleeping without a pillow.

At first it would feel odd, you wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, you’d wake up in the night with a sense of loss, and wonder whether you’d ever get used to it. It might be a couple of months before sleeping without a pillow felt normal to you. And that’s the real point: change can’t be rushed. It’s about the transition from one set of circumstances to another, and that takes time.

Some people love change and make changes in their lives often. Too often, though, and there’s a danger of becoming bored too easily and getting hooked on the new. Others dread change and agonise through it. But most of us are somewhere in the middle, enjoying a certain amount of change, but not too much.

The trouble with change is that it has a cluster effect. One change often seems to be followed by several more, and it can feel as though your whole world is changing. So here’s my guide to coping with change as easily as possible:

1) Expect a reaction – 
People often say: ‘I don’t know why it’s affected me so much’, and criticise themselves for crying, laughing, or feeling moody. All these, and every other emotion, are normal in the face of change – any change.

2) Let yourself grieve
 – Change, no matter how good it is, means loss. When something in your life changes you lose the old way of being or the old set of circumstances. And loss means grief and nostalgia.

3) Go with the flow
 – Resist and be rigid in the face of change and it will be a lot more painful. The secret is to be flexible and you can ride it out more easily. Think of yourself like a boat in a storm. Turn against the waves and they’ll crush you, go with them and they’ll carry you home.

Get support
Get support

4) Hang onto the familiar
 – If the change is big then keep up many familiar things as you can – and remind yourself of how much in your life isn’t changing. Stick to your usual routines, see people you normally see, and reassure yourself that not everything has to change just because some things have.

5) Get support
 – Don’t try to cope alone or keep your feelings to yourself. Talk about it, have a hug, a laugh, a cup of tea and a bit of reassurance. Being brave doesn’t always mean managing alone, it may mean finding the courage to ask for help.

6) Divide it up – 
When possible, divide bigger changes into smaller steps. For instance, a house move, a wedding or a divorce involves several stages. When you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the change, concentrate on the step you’ve reached, rather than the bigger picture.

7) Find the good in it
 – Some changes feel awful – death, illness, financial loss and many others can feel like the end of the world. Sometimes you have to look very hard to find the blessing in such changes, but there always is one. It’s through change that we grow wiser and stronger and learn to make better decisions.

8) Know that it will end
 – All change comes to an end when the new circumstances are in place and become familiar to you. Every change, no matter how big, will end and you’ll return to a feeling of normality. Keep this in mind when you feel as though you’re in the middle of a bumpy ride.

If you have found the above helpful and are interested in receiving my ‘7 Tips for How To Deal With Change’ please email me at info@catseyecoaching.com.

 

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Leave Guilt Behind in Divorce
Leave Guilt Behind in Divorce

Feeling Stuck in Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

We can go cruising through divorce and all of a sudden hit a speed bump and become stuck.

This can come as a surprise when everything seemed to be going quite well.

We do not move at an even pace on the continuum of the divorce process, so may be lingering in one part of it a bit longer. One may not realize that they are stuck and not moving on until receiving feedback from others.

A clue is when people start to avoid you, change the subject quickly or get a glazed look in their eyes.

Children are more blunt when a parent is stuck, stating “Dad, can’t you talk about something else?” or “Mummy why do you keep harping on your maintenance?”

If particularly having only one topic of conversation (a former spouse for example), then that can be a symptom of being stuck.

When stuck, get some sound advice from people who are experts in the area of your specific problem. If stuck in the division of assets – get your own financial advisor to guide you in what is best for your needs.

If you both are at loggerheads over the amount of shared care time split between you, consider bringing a custody evaluator on board. Our custody evaluator did a battery of personality tests for all four of us and interviewed us separately. My spouse and I signed a binding agreement that we would abide by her decision regarding custody. This also took the pressure off our collaborative solicitors in this contentious divorce.

moving on after divorce
Feeling Stuck in Divorce

Our marital house had to be renovated before it could be sold during our divorce. The problem was that my sons and I were still living there, because the financial institution that I had used for two decades, turned me down for a mortgage and I could not move house.

Realizing that I was stuck in a bad situation which was delaying our divorce, I sought out advice from the real estate agent.

He then sent me to a friend who dealt with finding a mortgage company for home buyers. The glitch was that mortgage companies did not want to take a perceived risk when they did not know what my alimony would be post-divorce.

Our divorce financial advisor worked with him and finally a mortgage company agreed to a loan. I sought assistance from the right person (realtor). While the life coach was invaluable for coming up with strategies to reduce my stress, she was not the person to loan me money or get me a house. Pick who is best to help you for each situation. Some people visualize the solution and work backwards to achieve it.

Some folks get stuck in grief for ending their partnership and former way of life.  Being single was not on their agenda and the loneliness is overwhelming to them.

They may become clinically depressed and that hinders them from reaching out to others. Therapy or grief counselling can be a way to crawl out of this black hole and start to enjoy life again.

Others are stuck in old patterns which may have included entertaining as a duo and socializing with other couples.

A divorce coach can help break these patterns and form new ones, such as how to expand one’s social network.

Being stuck is a temporary state, not a permanent address.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Adopted and Divorced
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Adopted, Divorced and the Fear of Abandonment

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Adoption and Divorce
Elaine Pinkerton

I have abandonment issues.

My birth mother had to give me up when I was five years old.  Though I landed in a wonderful adoptive family, my adoptee status was never discussed.

The time: right after WWII, and closed adoptions were the rule.

My college professor Dad and my schoolteacher Mom decided that it was best not to talk about the circumstances of my first few years. I had memories enough to know that the foster care situation in which they found me was grim. You might say that I was born again, but I paid a price. I grew up feeling that I had to be perfect or that I would be sent back.

Never mind reality; I imagined that I had to pretend to be the “real” daughter.  Outwardly, I was an exemplary daughter, but inwardly, I feared being abandoned.

Fast forward to adulthood. The feelings returned after my husband of 15 years and I went our separate ways. Even though it has been over three decades since my divorce, I still feel the sting of splitting up.

Am I over the divorce? In most ways, yes. Does it still hurt? Definitely.

When I feel happy and successful, my abandonment fears are in remission. However, at other times, I feel that life has served me a double whammy. Twice trusting, twice abandoned.

For the past few years, I’ve focused on adoption recovery.

For the most part, I enjoy a sense of progress in my adoptee’s journey toward wholeness. Some days, however, I feel like Sysiphys, the character in Greek mythology who pushes a massive boulder uphill, reaching the top by sundown but the very next morning starting again at the bottom and pushing uphill all over again.

As I talk with friends about challenges they are facing, I realize that I am not alone. One does not have to be a divorcee or “recovering adoptee” to find life full of problems to be overcome and conundrums that seem to have no end.

And while I am blessed to have wonderful and compassionate friends who are never too busy to listen, the best solution I’ve found is to be my own best friend.

Having said that, I offer five ways to nurture and appreciate yourself:

  1. Let the past be the past. Do not hold grudges against yourself.
  1. Remember, when troubles seem to be ganging up against you, that “Mama said there’d be days like this.”
  1. Be true to YOU. As far as your self-definition is concerned, be an island. Quit comparing yourself unfavorably to others. Jealously isn’t called the “green-eyed monster” for nothing.
  1. Work on fine-tuning your sense of humor. Learn to laugh at yourself.
  1. Remember that YOU are not your thoughts.

Combined, adoption and divorce are potentially lethal.

In fighting the abandonment trap, I’ve decided to not let either throw me off course.

Life is like a river. We can either enjoy the journey, rowing gently down the stream, or we can let our emotions control our thoughts, feeling despair, a vague dissatisfaction and lack of contentment. One very powerful way to row gently down the stream is to treat yourself as you would a dear, cherished friend.

About Elaine

Based in Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA, Elaine Pinkerton is the author of seven books, including The Goodbye Baby, From Calcutta with Love, Beast of Bengal and Santa Fe Blogger.

She publishes a biweekly post for her website www.elainepinkerton.wordpress.com. You can follow her on Twitter @TheGoodbyeBaby. Her books are listed on Amazon uk.co under Elaine Pinkerton.

 

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What is Kindness ? The Magic of Kindness

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Domestic Violence Grounds for Divorce
Domestic Abuse – Ending the Paralysis of Shame

When divorce happens, we go through a myriad of emotions and thoughts.  One of the most common thoughts is the one to do with failure.

Anna Pinkerton author of How to Smile Again – a fabulous new book on helping people in public life recover from traumatic break down and founder of  The Magic of Kindness – Challenging brutality of thought & action, talks about the real meaning of kindness to ourselves and how that then permeates the rest of society.

How by starting with our deep thoughts and noticing our train of thoughts, we can then be able to show that same kindness that we cultivate within us to those around us.

Anna is also a clinician art psychotherapist working with people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

What is The Magic of Kindness or the meaning of kindness?

It’s about cultivating an atmosphere of consideration, care and companionship.

Without cultivating a kindness towards ourselves we cannot truly afford kindness towards others.

With The Magic of Kindness, we learn to build a relationship with ourselves by being gentle with our thoughts, our thought processes and our actions.

By doing this and being aware of our sad thoughts, our negative thoughts and deep thoughts for example, we don’t then breathe within us the need to be unkind to others or to elevate ourselves by diminishing and reducing those around us.

So by creating an atmosphere for ourselves that’s more kind and supportive, we produce it for others as well. So acts of kindness cannot truly have their power without there being the process of kindness of thought first.

What is kindness of thought?

You need to become aware of your own brutality of thought and where that brutality of thought comes from?

Kindness of thought is when you accept that you do have thoughts that are not conducive to your own wellbeing. Those “random” thoughts that affect the way we then treat ourselves and hence those around us.

When you become aware of those negative thoughts then you accept that we have had it and not beat ourselves up for having them.

You can change that train of thought by just noticing that that’s what you’ve done, that you have had a brutal thought towards yourself. Notice it without judgement. Then know how to give it up.

Anna Pinkerton talks about her Magic of Kindness workshop. How it came about and why it’s one of the most important journey’s anyone can go through today.

Here’s the interview.  Enjoy and do contact Anna on anna@annapinkerton.com Phone: 07899 688845.

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The one that got away

Divorce – The One that Got Away

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Most of us have stories about “The One That Got Away.”

He might have been a high school crush or the lovely woman from a previous job.

When we hit a bumpy road in life, such as with divorce, we wonder “What would have happened if we…?”

You still may be dealing with a broken heart and your friends have a glazed look when he is the topic of conversation for the hundredth time. The cliché “Time heals wounds” does not seem to working for you.

Understanding what the one who got away represents, gives clarity in determining what is lacking in your life now.

That relationship may remind you of happier, carefree days. You were younger without all of the current burdens and responsibilities.

When we feel overwhelmed, it is natural for our minds to drift off into fantasyland of what might have been. Does that relationship conjure up fun and excitement that seems to have vanished with divorce?

It does not always mean that you want the actual person back, but rather the circumstance surrounding that former relationship. When a few friends talked about the one who got away, it seemed like they were missing the social clique and parties more than the boyfriend.

What did you learn from that relationship which can be brought into new ones?

the one that got away
That relationship may remind you of happier, carefree days.

Perhaps it is having a sense of fun or someone who treats you respectfully. Examine the specific behaviour or action that caused this break up.

If she left you for someone else, then her interest level plummeted and it was over. If you drifted apart – analyse that situation so you can gain closure. We look at the past through rose coloured glasses which can affect our sense of reality regarding a former relationship.

If you had a holiday fling and wonder if it could have been made permanent, rethink this situation. If it was meant to be, then there would have been communication between you two when the holiday was over.

If stuck in the past and having difficulty letting it go, consider seeing a divorce coach to get you back on track.

A way to avoid dealing with present problems is to stay rooted in the past.

A friend did cyber stalking on her former flame who is happily married with a suitable spouse. Both are high powered solicitors who are on the party circuit.

Discussing how his current life choices are so different from hers, was the wakeup call for my friend to move on. She was having difficulty in her marriage which prompted this reminiscence. Going through a divorce stirs up emotions and a longing for pleasanter times from the past.

There are cases where people have reconnected many years later and got married. There are also ones where the same problems from before, sabotaged their relationships again.

Consider relationship counselling if tempted to reunite with the one who got away. Divorce can leave one vulnerable, so do not jump right back into another relationship.

Working on getting a more fulfilling life, diminishes daydreaming about a past love during or after divorce. Enlarging one’s social and professional networks brings interesting people into one’s sphere.

Connecting with others helps to lessen loneliness and gives a sense of community. Understanding why a relationship has continued to haunt us, is the key to exorcizing it for good.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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Divorce is not a License to Destroy

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Amicable divorces are not the norm but this doesn’t mean that life after divorce need be one that’s burdened with the same emotions that you carried through the process.

Moving on from a breakup or moving on from divorce doesn’t mean you have to destroy to feel whole again.

Judging by the emails we receive from time to time, long running anger and resentment is pretty common even after several years of living and being apart.

Couples long divorced who won’t attend their grandchildren’s christening if the ex is going to be present.

And the ones who refuse to be part of their children’s wedding if their ex spouse is coming with his/her new partner.

There are a whole lot of powerfully negative emotions associated with divorce.  There’s anger, there’s hate, and all the ones associated with grief and loss.

But anger seems to be the most prevalent especially during the divorce process.  And, as it’s well known, the source of anger is usually hurt.  Someone gets hurt and wants to hurt back.

But despite all this, divorce is not a license to destroy.

Here’s why:

  • Because, if anything, you both played a role in the final breakdown of your marriage.  If you don’t agree, ask yourself these questions.  Did you say yes to marrying him/her?  Did you ignore signs, hints and/or red flags around you at the time of dating?  Do you believe that you are absolutely not responsible in any, any way for the end of your marriage?  What could you have done different?
  • Because, where children are concerned, it stops being about you and your anger.  Of course you can express it as you please because it’s vital for the healing process that you do so, but don’t involve the children, don’t use them as messengers, advocates or spies and don’t involve them in adult issues.  What they really need right now is the adult in the room to provide them with security and affection so that their already shattered world is not destroyed beyond repair.   And that adult is you.
  • Because, unless there’s cause for concern, the relationship that the children have with the other parent is their relationship alone.   Divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship between the children and the other parent by holding them hostage because you’re not happy or due to lack of child support payments and increasing any negative effects of divorce on children.  Don’t be the one whom the children grow up to resent and begrudge because you arrested and broke a relationship that was so dear and critical to them.
  • Because anger is toxic.  Anger eats you up, not the person that it’s directed towards and holding on to it will not help you along your journey of living with or coping with divorce.  You operate with high levels of adrenaline and cortisol which affect your immune and cardiovascular systems.  Release the anger and you free yourself.  Yes, easier said than done but it’s definitely not impossible.  As Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”
  • Because the emotions of divorce cause you to hold yourself hostage to a past and a person you wish to rid yourself off.  Those emotions become you, you carry them and identify with them.  Then here on, those whom you meet along your way only get to know the person whose mind and soul carry anger and resentment.
  • Because no one can make you do anything you don’t want to.  This means that we are totally responsible for our actions, unless of course there’s a gun or some sort of threat involved.  But when we make decisions to behave a certain way, or do something destructive then that simply falls on our shoulders.  It’s all about taking responsibility.

Divorce is tough and can be ugly.  Destructive emotions run high, very high sometimes.

But it’s very possible to contain those feelings and stopping yourself from becoming either verbally or physically destructive.

There are so many ways.  It’s just a matter of finding what works for you and making your life after divorce as happy as you can get it to be.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you is soul-destroying.
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Shame you’re Divorced

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What is Reiki www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Ever since launching The Divorce Magazine, one thing has become clear and obvious: being divorced is something to be ashamed off, it’s something that you want to hide as much as possible and it’s not a status you want to own or be associated with.

This has been indicated in two ways.

Firstly, I have been asked, over and over again why I chose to call this magazine, The Divorce Magazine.  Could I not find something more…gentle, nicer?

At a recent networking event one of the attendees informed me that she had been thinking of launching a magazine about divorce.

She went on to explain that she was still planning on doing so but she was going to call it something different, “something really lovely.  I find using the word divorce in the title a bit too harsh.  I wouldn’t want to be seen reading it.”

Secondly in the business world of Linkedin, some friends and acquaintances have said that they would rather not be connected to me because they didn’t want anything to do with Divorce to be seen as being part of their connections.  “People would begin to wonder what was going on in my marriage.” Or, “I don’t want potential employers or clients to see that I am connected to those working in divorce or separation.  It just doesn’t look good”

Finally and which is very closely tied to the previous point, is to do with Facebook.

my marriage
Being divorced is something to be ashamed off,

Facebook is more of a social site unlike Linkedin which is about business connections – you don’t talk about what you had for lunch here.

This is where you get personal and tell all that you want to all that are interested or not.  You show off your holiday photos and like and unlike other members posts, photos and videos.  And where Facebook is used for business purposes, the messages and posts are also more emotion based, intimate and friendly.

People see you and what you get up to and it is for this reason, as in the Linkedin point, that people have said they are reluctant to like the page because, again, “People will wonder what they have been up to what is going on in their lives.”

While I totally understand this, it just goes to show just how strong and negative a stigma divorce still holds in our lives, communities and society, so much so that your decision to hire someone or not will be based on her Linkedin connection to some who founded a magazine called “The Divorce Magazine.”

I recently wrote an article for the Huffington Post on a very similar subject but from a personal angle.

I find that unless we begin to look at divorce as part of our life’s journey, as something that happened but that doesn’t define us who we we are, then we will continue to hold it in darkness, in shame and in guilt.

We will continue to whisper about it and beat ourselves up when we go through it and label ourselves as “failed” in one of the biggest areas of our lives.

Unfortunately divorce is here and doesn’t seem to be going away.

Fortunately divorce is here so we have a means to right a wrong that would otherwise condemn some of us to lives of misery and sorrow for the sake of keeping up appearances.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Self-hate fast! A journey back to love

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The Goddess Creator

During the blues you begin to see yourself as Quasimodo’s uglier sister, who will never find love again and everywhere we turn there is a new diet, an exercise video or some fast to get us back into our favourite pair of jeans and looking fabulous.

Which we, and when I say we I use it loosely because if you are anything like me, you will stick to it for two weeks feeling lousy and pungent before giving up to lay on the couch to eat your body weight in chocolate and hating yourself just a little more for giving up, for not trying. For being single again, for the hole in the ozone layer; during the blues there seems to be little reason not to practice some self-hate.

I had this crazy thought that among all the faddy diets and extreme fasts that we are going to be bombarded with, there was one we absolutely had to try – the Self-Hate fast!  In the year that has just gone by at one point or another, we were unduly unkind, unloving and darn right cruel to ourselves, withholding love, abundance, and the gift of self-care.

You are probably thinking how the heck do I know?

Well the answer to that question is simple; I had been very guilty of doing exactly the same thing. I have talked very badly about myself, been hyper-critical and unduly hard on me. Denying myself time to rest or appreciating where I was, I kept looking out and comparing me to others, which was just unkind, unloving and  just  wrong.

So to start 2014 I’m going on a Self-hate fast a 30 day journey back to love, to falling back in love with me.  I will love for you  to join me and  the very cool  thing about this fast is that you  don’t need to go hungry, eat weird  food  combos or drink anything that has the look and  smell of  pond water and you  can  be around company when you do it  😉 *hehehehehe*

Treat you like you are your best-friend.

To set up and follow this fast is simple.  Things you will need are a journal where you can capture all the things that come up for you in the next 30 days, create a self-loving list which is a list of the things you want to do for you, a speed-dial sister that will hold you accountable and share the journey with you.

You will need to be open to treating you like you are your best-friend or cherished loved one, be willing to give yourself the gift of love, self-care, focused attention, forgiveness, kindness and seeing yourself through loving eyes.

On the first day create space for you! Ask your husband, partner, ex, best bud or family to look after the kids for you as you prepare some space to see you the woman. Not the mother, the partner, wife or whatever setup you may have, not the daughter or sister. It’s time to see you, that neglected side of you that you have pushed to the backburner, while you took care of everyone and everything else.

As you unearth that thing you have always wanted to do for yourself and give it voice,  it could be taking up that  dance class you  had always wanted to do,  taking up aerial hops, the acting classes you promised yourself at 18, running away and joining the circus for the day.  Ask your 10 year old self what she really wanted to do when she grew up and give it a try. You have the option to decide if what you pick is still something you want to do. If it is put it as the first item on your self-loving list and spend the rest of the time enjoying your own company with some simple self-indulgence.

For the next 29 days give yourself the gift of kindness by saying something kind and loving to you, it may sound totally weird and odd to tell yourself how amazing you think you are but we have no issues with being mean and darn right hurtful to ourselves as we call ourselves stupid, unlovable, selfish, fat, unattractive, loser are you getting the drift?

So for the next 29 days trade it for you are loving, beautiful, enough, joyous, desirable, happy, you belong, you are loved, you are_____________ You fill in the gaps with what works for you.

Next is to look at the woman you are through loving eyes.  Look at yourself in the mirror with loving eyes so don’t look for the perceived flaws or stuff.  Look at one feature a day and say something loving and kind about that part, like you have the most amazing eyes, your skin is so even and beautiful……… Yes it will feel odd, uncomfortable and slightly weird but remember for the duration of the fast you have chosen to treat yourself like you are your own best friend or loved one.

Let me ask you this?

Do you not complement your friend on how great she looks and how fantastic she is?  Do you not tell your child that you loved them to the moon and back again? Now is the time to extend that courtesy to you, so for the next 30 days you have the permission to speak to yourself in loving ways. You get to add one item a day to your loving list of things you will do to and for you…. During the fast you give yourself the gift of forgiveness for all the decisions and choices that you have made in the past that may have not gone the way you wanted.

Are you beginning to get the picture?

The self-hate fast is about coming face to face with your most loving version of yourself the one you normally reserve for others in your life and turn her on you, so you can benefit from that love you direct outwards you get to share with you which will in turn fill up your love tank so you can be more loving with the people in your life. As the old adage goes charity begins at home for our purposes being loving starts with loving self-first!

Unbridled Joy and Brilliance,

Lillian Ogbogoh

Seduction Discovery Specialist

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Say What you Mean and Say It Well

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Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Author of “Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain.”

Sometimes it can be tempting to second-guess how others and especially our partner will react to a given situation.

This mindset can escalate if we have begun to feel uneasy about saying how we’re feeling or become apprehensive at voicing our requests. We may have hesitations or concerns as to how we will be treated if we do.

This attitude can put us at a disadvantage before we even open our mouths and cause unwarranted tension and stress in our relationship.

If we anticipate problems, setbacks and disapproval before anything has even been said, then we risk creating a false impression of the other person in our minds that can gradually translate into a hostile environment.

So, let’s look at those times when you’ve got something to say and find ways to say it well:

 – Avoid prejudging the other person’s responses and reactions as it can affect how we communicate with them.

We influence our attitude, vocabulary, tone of voice, body language when we’re feeling either positive or negative. It’s doing the other person a disservice if we assume how they are going to think, feel, or reply to us, especially if we’re anticipating that they’re going to be critical, negative or judgemental in tone.

– Ask for what you want, but phrase it positively.

Saying ‘I don’t suppose’ or ‘there’s no point in me asking’, ‘you won’t like this, but’ is setting the scene for failure.

Many of my clients are incredulous when I repeat back to them phrases and expressions that they have used. They don’t appreciate the way that they communicate, how they come across to others, what it reveals about their thinking. When we regularly think in either a positive or a negative way it becomes a habit; if we automatically expect to fail or be rejected then that becomes the scene.

– Seed in advance for success and a positive outcome.

This simply means dropping little hints into the conversation before the main request is made. Subtlety is the key. So referring to something that you want to receive/achieve/expect to happen or be allowed to do in a positive way sews the seed and prepares the way in advance so that the other person is primed.

– Present yourself in a positive way.

This includes words, body language, tone of voice. By nodding, smiling, reinforcing all the positive benefits you boost your message.

Pause when you speak, let your words take effect, don’t rush as that can signal panic, urgency or a lack of confidence and belief in what you are saying. Speaking slower indicates that you are feeling calm, in control, happy to take your time because you’re feeling positive.

– Be aware of any potential areas of controversy or concern and be prepared to acknowledge the other person’s point of view.

Anticipate any points that may be subject to question or debate and have positive answers readily thought through. Be respectful of differences of opinion, give them due consideration before you give your reply. By doing this you demonstrate good manners and show an appreciation of the other person’s concerns.

– Be prepared to give ground on the things that are unimportant to you.

Every good negotiation includes areas of compromise. If, for example, a young person wanted to go to a party they could compromise by agreeing to be dropped off or picked up at a certain time. This could mean that they get a lift there or back, are allowed to go to the party and their parents feel relieved that they know where their child is and that they are travelling safely.

– Letting the other person claim credit for good ideas can sometimes be a useful negotiation tactic.

Steering a discussion around to your point of view, interspersing clever ideas, hints or clues can sometimes result in them being adopted and suggested by the other person as if they’d thought of them. You get what you want and they feel good about their inspired suggestion. Win/win all round by being generous.

Being clear about your wishes and projecting yourself in a positive way demonstrates confidence in yourself and what you feel. When you take responsibility for your own happiness and feel good about your decisions everyone around you benefits.

By being calm and assertive we overcome objections, sometimes in advance of them being raised. We clarify our thoughts, overcome negative thinking and present ourselves as valuable, deserving and positive.

About Susan Leigh

Susan Leigh is the author “Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain.”

She is also a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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Monday Musing – Life Quote

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monday musing

 

For more quotes visit – thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/quotes

 

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