We can go cruising through divorce and all of a sudden hit a speed bump and become stuck.
This can come as a surprise when everything seemed to be going quite well.
We do not move at an even pace on the continuum of the divorce process, so may be lingering in one part of it a bit longer. One may not realize that they are stuck and not moving on until receiving feedback from others.
A clue is when people start to avoid you, change the subject quickly or get a glazed look in their eyes.
Children are more blunt when a parent is stuck, stating “Dad, can’t you talk about something else?” or “Mummy why do you keep harping on your maintenance?”
If particularly having only one topic of conversation (a former spouse for example), then that can be a symptom of being stuck.
When stuck, get some sound advice from people who are experts in the area of your specific problem. If stuck in the division of assets – get your own financial advisor to guide you in what is best for your needs.
If you both are at loggerheads over the amount of shared care time split between you, consider bringing a custody evaluator on board. Our custody evaluator did a battery of personality tests for all four of us and interviewed us separately. My spouse and I signed a binding agreement that we would abide by her decision regarding custody. This also took the pressure off our collaborative solicitors in this contentious divorce.
Our marital house had to be renovated before it could be sold during our divorce. The problem was that my sons and I were still living there, because the financial institution that I had used for two decades, turned me down for a mortgage and I could not move house.
Realizing that I was stuck in a bad situation which was delaying our divorce, I sought out advice from the real estate agent.
He then sent me to a friend who dealt with finding a mortgage company for home buyers. The glitch was that mortgage companies did not want to take a perceived risk when they did not know what my alimony would be post-divorce.
Our divorce financial advisor worked with him and finally a mortgage company agreed to a loan. I sought assistance from the right person (realtor). While the life coach was invaluable for coming up with strategies to reduce my stress, she was not the person to loan me money or get me a house. Pick who is best to help you for each situation. Some people visualize the solution and work backwards to achieve it.
Some folks get stuck in grief for ending their partnership and former way of life. Being single was not on their agenda and the loneliness is overwhelming to them.
They may become clinically depressed and that hinders them from reaching out to others. Therapy or grief counselling can be a way to crawl out of this black hole and start to enjoy life again.
Others are stuck in old patterns which may have included entertaining as a duo and socializing with other couples.
A divorce coach can help break these patterns and form new ones, such as how to expand one’s social network.
Being stuck is a temporary state, not a permanent address.
Wendi Schuller is a published author who has conducted classes on various subjects. She draws upon her knowledge as a nurse, Neuro-Linguistic Programmer (NLP), and hypnotherapist, providing a blueprint to guide women through this difficult transition. Schuller hired an attorney for a court divorce, but decided to go the collaborative route instead and has worked with a mediator post-divorce.
Author of The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce