moving on after divorce - Page 8

My journey with the noble divorce magazine has so far been as liberating as the publishing of my book has been!

You’re probably wondering what next right?

I do enjoy sharing my divorce related stuffs with you all and what happened in the most ‘darkest’ of avenues, and all!

I wanted to share with you a few conversations I recently had with my ex husband, which l wish we had had then. But that’s life!

A quick re-cap?

Hm, I got married for all the wrong reasons and love wasn’t one of them.  All I was looking for was a refuge!

He wasn’t kind to me but I too, did a lot of damage.  I was an adulterous wife,  a ‘shameful and disgraceful” trophy to own but one that needs to be spoken about.

Now to this post.

My ex-husband was an abusive man. He barely ‘discussed’ anything with me. We were not partners, best friends, lovers or anything. Oh no, we were like ‘Master and Servant’. He barked orders and instructions. He was not physically abusive but he was mentally.  He knew I loved conversations and he chose to withhold those from me.

When we were with friends or family, we would converse as a group and even with each other.  Yet, when it was just the two of us, there was no communication.  No discussion.  No conversation.

And so it was for the six years we were married – minimum conversations with my ex.

We started off by barely spending time alone either always on the go or there were other people around whenever he was home. Either side of the family often paid us announced or unannounced visits.  Friends, mostly his, did the same and often stayed on till I went to bed.

I will never forget the day I gave birth to our second son and he came to see our baby more than six hours after I had called him to say I had given birth. When he finally turned up, he was with friends, which was fine, but when they finally decided to leave, my ex-husband said he was going to see them off and only returned around 11 pm. I was distraught.

The next day, it was my cousin and my first son who came to pick me from the hospital.  We had to hire a cab because my ex had gone on a trip.

Anyway, by that time, I had made up my mind to leave the marriage and was just thinking of what to do with my sons.

We never discussed as normal couples would, what to do about the kids’ education, or whatever. No.  We never had Christmas trees nor gifts unless I bought them. We just fought. Simple!

I remember trying to tell him I was fed up and that I was cheating on him.  All I received from him was a good slap and claims that I was possessed. I guess he didn’t care since he was probably also having some extra marital liaisons too. Buy that’s his story to tell if he wishes.

I arranged for us to go for counselling but only survived the first session. We tried family mediation but this didn’t work either.  Only his family and my father were present.  My mother did not attend nor did she care to listen to me.

Then one day, I left. That almost ruined his ego and status he had built for himself as a good son-in-law, husband, father and all!  He refused to talk to me nor let me have any contact my sons for 8 months. I had left them because I couldn’t take them, not having any real source of income.

It has taken two and a half years for us to truly start talking to each.

He did the asking this time around by sending me a Facebook request which I accepted. We started chatting first about the kids and their Christmas and vacations and then about ‘what happened’. I am past any reconciliation or moving back together drama but I am happy to talk to and with him.

One good conversation we had, was about why he had behaved the way he had as a husband. He told me that is what he learnt from his father. His parents are still together though so maybe his mother was more submissive than I was?

Another time we talked about my infidelity.  I told him I needed that consolation and warmth and was sorry to have done it.

Recently we spoke about coping, facing reality and moving on. We discussed the impact of our relationship on our health, life and children and at the end of that conversation, I wished him well.

I will visit my kids in June and will probably have a drink or coffee with him.  Such is life.

Dear readers, I have come to understand, at least somewhat, how people who couldn’t stand each other as couples, could someday become best friends.

We are far from there, but it is much more civilised now than ever and this to me is also part of divorce, Adversity and Growth.  A lot of emotions are always and will always be involved, yet for our own well being, we must move forward.

Marie Abanga

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