moving on after divorce - Page 6

Reasons People Stay in Unhappy Relationships

Top 5 Reasons People Stay in Unhappy Relationships

Published on
Sara Davison
Sara Davison
Divorce and Break-up Coach

“I’m scared to leave my relationship and that’s why I’ve stayed for so long” a recent client told me during a coaching session.

In fact I probably hear this at least 5 times a week for a variety of different reasons.

This particular client had been unhappy in her relationship for several years but she hadn’t felt able to leave because she had children who were both under 10 years old.

She explained part of her reason to stay was for the children and to give them a better upbringing.

One thing that I have learned since I opened my Divorce and Breakup Clinic is that every relationship is different and has its own unique dynamics. There is no one solution that fits every situation as there are so many factors to take into consideration.

There is certainly no right or wrong answer or set path to follow. The key to moving forward is get to clarity on your individual circumstances as this will empower you to make a better decision for you and your family.

The top 5 reasons for staying in an unhappy relationship that I hear from clients are:

  1. Kids: Some people stay as they believe it is better for the children to grow up with both parents under the same roof, no matter how dysfunctional the relationship is.
  1. Fear of future: Many people have a huge fear of what life would be like if they left. There are so many uncertainties for example where will they live, how will they cope without their partner and will they ever find love again. These uncertainties keep them in the relationship.
  1. Lack of confidence: Often if you have been in an unhappy relationship your confidence will be at rock bottom. I see many clients who have experienced emotionally abusive relationships and as a result their self-esteem and self-worth is so low they don’t think they could cope on their own.
  1. Feeling selfish: Some people feel that it would be selfish to leave as it would be causing pain to their family. They believe it is better to stay and be unhappy then to leave in search of happiness for themselves.
  1. Financial reasons: Many people are financially dependent on their partners and are worried what their quality of life would be like if they broke up. Breaking up means dividing the finances and this can mean a change in lifestyle. Funding two homes is more expensive than one and this can mean sacrifices at least in the short term.

All of these are good reasons to consider staying. In fact divorce is known as the second most traumatic life experience after death of a loved one so it shouldn’t be taken lightly, especially if children are involved too.

It is a painful process and it is definitely not the easy way. It should take a lot of careful consideration to decide to leave a marriage, it should not be taken lightly.

I recommend at least a period of 3 months of working hard on your relationship to do your best to save it if possible before you make a final decision to split up.

However there are also good reasons to leave an unhappy relationship that are often over looked:

  1. As a parent you are a role model for your children. They are watching and learning from everything you do. Be aware of what you are teaching them by staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Could it be that you are showing them that you should stay in a loveless marriage? That your feelings don’t matter? That a marriage is about arguing and being unkind to each other? Kids are more resilient than you think and can cope better than we sometimes give them credit for.
  1. It’s natural to be a little anxious of change however it can also be a really positive thing. If you are unhappy where you are then maybe the change will give you a chance to feel happy again. Think of a time when you changed something and it worked out well for you. It’s up to you to create the life you want to lead. If you stay where you are what will life be like in one years’ time? In 5 years’ time? In 10 years’ time? Is that what you want or is stepping up to make some changes what you need to get your life back on track?
  1. If your confidence has been eroded over a period of time it can be hard to summon up the courage to leave, even if you really want to. It’s important to remember that just because you have been told you are useless, unlovable, pathetic, incapable of surviving without your partner that doesn’t make it true. Connect back to a time when you felt good about yourself and think about all the things you have successfully achieved in your life however big or small. It’s amazing how many doors open and opportunities arise when you are out of a destructive or unhealthy relationship.
  1. Leaving an unhappy relationship is not selfish as if it’s not working for you it will not be the best relationship for your partner either. You both deserve the opportunity to be with someone who truly loves and cares for you and wants to be with you. By hanging onto them you are denying them the chance to be happy too. If you think the children will suffer if you leave then you need to consider how they are suffering by having two parents living together who don’t love each other too. There are always two sides to situation so make sure you are looking at all the angles.
  1. Financial reasons are a strong reason to stay put in an unhappy relationship as if breaking up will dramatically affect your standard of living then this will be a big factor. The best way to work through this is to get absolute clarity on your financial situation if you do leave. Take professional advice to work out what funds you would have and how this would affect your lifestyle. Many people avoid doing this as they don’t want to know. However clarity gives you power and even if it what you find out isn’t what you wanted to hear it gives you options. You can put a plan together to fill the gaps and find a way to make it work. Not knowing where you stand leaves you unable to make a good decision and keeps you stuck.

You only live once and it’s important to find happiness along the way. It’s important to know that leaving a marriage or long term relationship is not a failure.

Breakups and divorce are part of everyday life as people grow apart or fall out of love. You will have achieved so much during your time together such as some happy memories, your children and friendships.

You can still keep hold of the good times and the great memories and at the same time set yourself free to be happy again. By taking responsibility and grabbing back control of your life you can create the life you want to live.

ABOUT SARA

Sara Davison is a highly credible life and business expert whose own personal experience has led to her creating a unique divorce coaching programme designed to support individuals with the tools, techniques and advice needed to journey through divorce.

An NLP Master Practitioner, with 16 years’ coaching experience, Sara has successfully built and developed a global business and has worked with some of the top names in personal development such as ; Anthony Robbins, Paul McKenna, Barefoot Doctor and more.

With a wealth of experience helping others through challenging situations, as well as the experience of her own marriage breakdown, Sara was inspired to create a bespoke divorce coaching program that would help guide those battling through the process of divorce. The program offers tailored, practical advice and strategies to help people move forward.

Sara’s aim is to change the stigma associated with divorce in the UK. She wants to encourage people to ask for help, and teach people the skills to get from where they are to where they want to be.

For more information see saradavison.com for more details.

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How to Deal with Heartbreak after a Breakup
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How to Deal with Heartbreak after a Breakup

Published on
Sara Davison
Sara Davison
Divorce and Break-up Coach

How can I get over this heartbreak and recover from divorce and/or separation?

This is the question TDM put forward to Divorce Coach, Sara Davison.

According to Sara, when a relationship is over, you do go through a lot of very different and negative emotions, but she advices that, just for a minute,  do take off the rose-tinted glasses and really look at what was wrong with that relationship in the first place.  

Think about what it is that you don’t have to tolerate now that you had to live with before?

There have to be things that weren’t quite right and that person wasn’t the right partner for you because the ideal partner wouldn’t leave. 

She goes on: “tip that balance from looking into the past which is all about your story and retelling your story over and over again and and flipping that to the future, where you create a compelling future that you’re excited to get up and live.

So if someone has left your life and there’s a gap in your life, we need to put together some stepping stones, some activities that you can follow through that will fill that gap and slowly that heartbreak will dissipate as you tip those scales as you move towards something more exciting.“

You can hear more of Sara’s advice on how to deal with heartbreak after a breakup and information on her upcoming retreat in February 2017.

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Unresolved Former Relationship
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TV Request – Unresolved Former Relationship

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Unresolved Former RelationshipTwoFour Broadcast, the award-winning TV company behind programmes such as Educating Yorkshire, This Time Next Year and The Jump are working on a new TV series and are looking for people to take part.

The new show will explore past relationships, giving you the chance to approach your ex in a heartfelt and genuine way

The TwoFour casting team are looking to speak to you if you have an unresolved former relationship. You may want a second chance, the answer to specific questions or just to find some closure once and for all.

Aiming to create a positive experience for you and your ex, the team will reunite couples in a comfortable and relaxed space – a chance to honestly talk things through and move forward.

Once they have your blessing, the team will be the ones who would reach out to your ex to see if they’re interested.

Interested in taking part?

The filming will take place in London and you will be required to take part for two days in February 2017.

Cameras will be discreet and non-intrusive, so couples can feel relaxed in their own space without the presence of a crew.

All travel expenses will be covered, as well as dinner and accommodation.

How to apply:

If you’re interested, or know someone else who might be, then please get in touch with TwoFour today. Click here to register your interest or if you have any questions email relationships@twofour.co.uk, quoting The Divorce Magazine.

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How to move on from a relationship
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Wallow no More – How to Move on From a Relationship Break-up

Published on
Adele Theron Speaker, Author and Founder of The Naked Divorce
Adele Theron
Speaker, Author and Founder of
The Naked Divorce

I want to ask you something. And I want you to answer honestly.

How many times this week have you mentally replayed a fight that you had with your ex?

Maybe not an actual fight – maybe you pictured what you would, or should, have said to them? A confrontation you never had? The killer blow you wish you’d delivered at the time?

And now: how much of your life do think you spend like this? Trawling through negative memories? Reliving the things that make you feel angry and bitter?

Dissecting. Analysing. Obsessing.

Does any of it make you feel happy? Does it put you at peace?

Of course not.

Resentment is destructive. Resentment is the thing that keeps us rooted in a broken, ugly past.

And life is too short to start each day with the broken pieces of yesterday.

Your breakup was miserable enough the first time, right? If you could somehow go back and spare yourself all of that pain, wouldn’t you?

Then why do you inflict it on yourself time after time? Why are you voluntarily repeating those experiences every day of your life?

It doesn’t matter how many times you conduct that fight with the imagined version of your ex. The outcome will never be different. It doesn’t matter how much time you devote to dwelling in the past, the present is still the present.

And if you don’t stop wallowing and start living, you won’t just have lost out on yesterday – you’ll lose today, too.

Do you really want to give that to your ex?

After all, as the saying goes, resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

It’s time to stop drinking the poison.

It’s time to stop letting resentment rule your life.

It’s time to let go.

Easier said than done? Of course it is. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t practical things you can do.

Here Are 6 Powerful Steps to Take Today:

Declare an amnesty. Make the decision to stop waging a mental war with this person and with yourself. You need to recognise that enough is enough before you start to tackle your feelings.

how to move on from a relationshipAdmit to yourself that you’re an addict. Resentment gives you a rush. That intoxicating sense of letting your rage run wild, if only in your head. The buzz of taking the moral high ground, feeling yourself wronged – and righteous. It’s chemical. It’s a hit. That’s why you keep coming back. And you need to stop before your addiction gets out of hand.

Accept that your resentment is futile. No matter what happens in the confines of your mind, it will not change the past. Neither will it influence other people, past or present. It can’t stop them rejecting you or force them to give you the things you crave. The only person it controls is you.

Get to the bottom of it. Time to get it all out. In one column, list all the reasons that you resent your ex. Every tiny thing they did, or that irritates you about them. Don’t censor yourself: it doesn’t matter how small or stupid or irrational, write it down.

In the next column, write down exactly why you resent this thing. How does it make you feel? Why does it upset you? Why does it make you feel threatened? Is it possible you’re confusing the way this person makes you feel with how someone else made you feel in the past?

Finally, in the last column, be brutally honest. Is there any way in which you contributed to this problem? Ways in which you misread the slight or blew it out of proportion? Ways you could have managed the problem better? Did you tell them how this was affecting you? Did you stick up for yourself?

Forgive where you can. Forgive yourself. For any ways you might have let your past self down. Ways you secretly believe you were weak.

Next, forgive the object of your resentment for the things you can bear. Things they might not, really, have done out of malice. Things they simply messed up on. The things that upset you because they dragged up old feelings and insecurities, rather than because they were intrinsically cruel. Things that, ultimately, no longer matter.

Make an action plan. Resentment doesn’t make you stronger, but decisiveness does. Plan what you are going to do to stop yourself from getting hurt like this again. How will you respond assertively to nip things in the bud? This is where you will really take control. It’s where you’ll really start healing.

Getting over resentment won’t happen overnight. It’s a process. But it’s a journey you need to begin, and soon, if you want to avoid your past swallowing up your future, too.

Know someone who needs to hear this? Please share this post with them today.

About the Author

Adele (www.nakeddivorce.com) is an author, executive coach and change management specialist who has spent the past 19 years helping people cope with change and overcome trauma.

Adele has worked within large international corporate programmes so this is why she and her team are so results driven.

She has worked with over 6,500 people to achieve rapid transformation and has published several books and articles and has been featured in nearly a hundred publications across the globe.

Adele works globally and as your Divorce Angel, you can count on her to handle anything complex. With the hundreds of people she has counselled through divorce there isn’t a situation she have not seen or encountered.

Adele specialises in family issues, multiple traumas, PTSD treatments and divorce planning. She runs all the Naked Divorce Retreats in Thailand, the Miracle programmes and runs Group sessions.  

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How to Beat the Post-Divorce Blues

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

It is easy to feel overwhelmed when stress and loss mounts up in divorce.

Going through monumental changes and downgrading one’s lifestyle can result in feeling blue. There may be financial worries and the realization hits that one will see the children only part-time.

If a person is prone to depression all of this turmoil can be a trigger that pushes one down that slippery slope.

One way to stop melancholy moods is with distraction. When sadness is like a DVD playing over and over in your head, substituted it with happier ones. The blues may hit unexpectedly like a huge wave, and that is when I mentally insert a DVD of fun times on holiday.

Sometimes I can banish morose feelings when looking at our holiday photos and reminiscing about our adventures.

Many people have expressed being in nature rejuvenates them. This is as simple as eating lunch outside or taking a stroll in a leafy area to lift one’s mood. There are hundreds of studies that back up the physical and mental health benefits of being out in nature.

A study out of The Netherlands analysed records of 195 doctors with the focus of seeing if living near a green space was beneficial to well-being. They found that there were less “disease clusters” for those who lived within 1 kilometre of a green space.

This particularly held true for those with depression and mental illness.

University of Washington has on their web site a result from a study where some participants took a walk inside and the others did out in nature. 71% of the ones taking a walk outside had a decrease in their depression as opposed to 45% who were inside.

Breakfast_at_TiffanysProfessor Jules Pretty from University of Essex and other researchers analysed data from ten studies.  The common denominator was being out in nature improves “mental and physical health”. Even five minutes in the green is shown to improve health.

Do something special for yourself. One friend has a glass of her favourite pinot grigio wine and watches a classic movie. This week she laughed her way through “How to Marry a Millionaire” with Marilyn Monroe, Betty Grable and Lauren Bacall. Last week her treat was watching “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

A divorced acquaintance watches snooker when thoughts of his ex-wife occur. When I am feeling blue, I enjoy a hands on treatment, such as facial (Neal’s Yard) or a pedicure.

Get out of your flat. Moping inside only compounds the blues, so go to a coffee or tea shop. If you are feeling lonely, chatting with other at the community table may be just the ticket.

If not in a sociable mood, take your book or laptop and be surrounded by people, but not interacting with them. One elderly divorced woman made it to daily Mass with a treat afterwards. She was not auditioning for sainthood, but having somewhere to go every day was important to her emotional well-being.

Go to the cinema or theatre. Being engrossed in a thriller or comedy is a great temporary escape from the stress of divorce. Crying through a heart-breaking film releases pent up sadness and despondency and one can feel so much better afterwards. West End has so many choices for whatever mood you are in, and I feel comfortable going alone.

Be with animals. There is something about their unconditional love and acceptance that lifts one’s mood. Having someone whose existence is dependent upon you helps give meaning to your life. Volunteering takes the focus off you and puts it on to someone else.

I enjoy my morning each week helping out at a cat rescue charity, cuddling the kittens. Being appreciated by these homeless cats helps to banish the blues.

Take up a new hobby or get back to an old one. One acquaintance got back into riding again and opened up a small sanctuary for horses. This twice divorced women barely has time to be sad with operating an equine charity. Others started dabbling with painting or enrolled in dance classes and other fun pursuits. Some have used interests or hobbies as a springboard for new careers.

Take a fitness class. Exercise increases endorphins which helps one to feel better. Endorphins also act as analgesics which dampens perception of pain in the body.

Exercise is a release for anxiety and studies have indicated that it decreases depression. Regular exercise aids is getting better sleep and diminishes insomnia. Get your body moving whether in the gym or outdoors.

If you are feeling depressed and cannot snap out of this, consider going to a divorce or life coach. They will help you gain insight into your situations and strategies with how to deal with it.

Short-term therapy can be beneficial in helping you gain clarity and move on with your life.

Wendi Schuller - Global Guide to Divorce

 

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 100 published articles.

Her other book is The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce. Web site is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Follow Wendi on Twitter,  Facebook, google+

 

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when divorce happens

When Divorce Happens – New Life New Beginning

Published on
James Brown
James Brown – Founder and Creator Divorce The Talk Show

Divorce is that one word that everyone knows what it means and what it stands for, but I didn’t  imagine that it would come knocking at my door.

About (5) years ago, there stood “Mr. D” at my front door where I was both clueless and never dreamed I would be associated with that word; divorce.

It was like a nuclear bomb that came crashing down upon me and shattered my life into small pieces never to be seen again. The sleeping giant of confusion and disbelief was awaked in my heart and soul, coupled with the fact, the world as I knew it was no more!

You never think about divorce and what it is like before you go through one.

Television and movies make it appear as if once you’re divorce, it is like finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Except there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and for certain there is no rainbow.

That’s right, finding that road to another great and/or even a good relationship will be paved with many potholes along the way. 

The issues of divorce will continue to taunt you for a long time.  Like many, after my divorce I assumed that once again, I would experience the joys of being single. This life of Playboy’s Hugh Heffner would unfold and disperse with all the unpleasant residue that divorce left behind. That proposed “Playboy” life was a mirage.

Trust me, I gave it the old college try, but endless nights of fun, drinking and great care-free sex would evaporate by the morning. And in the morning like most divorcees, I was left with the (4) “D’s”, depression, despair, distress and doubt.

Well by now, my friends, you are getting the picture. Divorce is not fun and/or funny.

husband cheatedThere is not a quick fix to bring positive existence to the likes of financial ruin, and the (4) “D’s” mentioned earlier. It will follow you to your next relationship/s and in most cases; it will strike a disastrous blow to your self-worth.  It is not easy being a divorcee.

Divorce is a blistering journey of self-awareness and if you don’t pay attention, the divorce “boogie man” will get you and consume anything left of you and your spirit.  The process of divorce is one of those things that you can’t imagine when, where and how it will end. But it will as you stumble and fumble your way toward a new beginning.

Nearly 2 million Americans get divorce every year, thus the “divorce boogie-man” is very busy.

Coupled with similar numbers in other places around the globe, the divorce boogie-man is working overtime and hiring! Although, I continued to struggle to find out what did I do, why did she take our marriage down this road to divorce, I like many, have tossed around blame like pennies at an arcade game.

Through all the darkness and ability to keep the “4 D’s” in the closet most days, I have been blessed and inspired to start a new beginning. A new beginning that is filled with a new found joy and hope, which has served as the fuel for me to use my expertise and creatively as never before, www.divorcethetalkshow.com.

Do connect with us, join the movement as we figure out together how to overcome divorce and start a new beginning!

James, grew up in San Francisco, and has lived in Salt Lake City, for over 25 plus, and is a second time divorcee with 4 children. 

With his diverse background in television, both in front and behind the camera, Mr. Brown is the driving force behind the highly innovative production of Divorce The Talk Show; A New Beginning, a multi-platform production which is led by new media engagement using digital, mobile as well as the legacy media (television) platform to reach a growing number of people who have gone through a radical change in life via divorce.

Mr. Brown has a background that makes him unique and perfect to support effort to make change in divorce. He has been at the center of development in corporate recruiting programs including Discover Card which focused on youth and minorities; developed diverse training seminars for corporations; created programs that provided scholarships for deserving, disadvan­taged students as well as building one of the finest film and television production studios (Salt Lake Studios) in the western U.S.A.

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divorce at 50

Coping with Divorce at 50 and Beyond

Published on
Muna Saleem Associate Solicitor Crisp co
Muna Saleem
Associate Solicitor
Crisp & Co

You’re done with the hard graft of your 30s and 40s.

The kids have left home, the mortgage is more or less paid and, hopefully, you’re financially secure.

You finally have some time to re-evaluate life and focus on your own needs, and for an increasing number of people this has meant joining the ranks of the so-called ‘silver splitters’ – the mid-life divorcees.

In fact, while the Office for National Statistics has recorded that 2012-2013 (the most recent figures on public record) saw divorce rates drop to their lowest in 40 years, splits among the over-50s are steadily on the rise.

So what has inspired this middle-aged quirk?

Some commentators have pointed to the runaway success of ‘50 Shades of Grey’, empowering women to take control of lacklustre love lives and seek new adventures. Others have simply suggested that couples who married young may have run their course, drifting apart as life goes on, starting a new chapter once the responsibilities of parenthood take a backseat.

In fact, according to a recent survey by Resolution, the professional body of family lawyers in England and Wales, 82% of 14-22 year-olds said they would rather their parents divorced if they were unhappy than stay together just for the sake of the children.

Teenagers and older offspring are likely to understand the ways of the world and adapt to new situations if they can see that it’s in the best interests for you, so it’s advisable to be as open and honest with them as possible, while respecting their relationship with your partner. Don’t try to make them take sides, as this will cause unfair stress on their part.

Society accepts divorce much more so now than in past generations, and if you do decide to end your marriage, it’s important to make your financial and emotional well-being a priority so that you can fully enjoy your newfound independence.

Take Control of your Finances

If you’re looking at the prospect of becoming a ‘Sindy’ (Single Income, Now Divorced), what are the key financial hurdles you face?

  • Dividing your assets, liabilities and property can be complicated, particularly if you can’t come to an amicable agreement with your spouse, or if there are children/dependents involved. If required, get professional help from a solicitor that specialises in divorce.
  • Once you’ve settled the legal aspects, reviewing what you have left after a split is key. Do your investments and pension plans still fit with your goals for the future? Have your financial goals changed? Consider seeking some expert financial advice if you’re not sure.
  • You should also check in on your income vs. expenditure (your budget) to make sure you don’t fall into debt or overspend. Running a household on a single income can be tricky, especially if you’re used to two.

Live your Life to the Full, enjoy your Independence

Being a divorcee is no longer the social taboo that it once was and being newly divorced can be the perfect time to meet new people, gain friends, and seek out new experiences.

There’s always a wealth of opportunities to network, socialise and date, whatever your age or former marital status.

  • Take it slowly if you need to. Find a friend or family member who’s been through something similar, as they can help you get to grips with the dating scene.
  • Join a club, society or local group to meet new people; it can be a fun way to spend your free time even if you don’t meet the love of your life.
  • Make use of technology. As well as the good old-fashioned classifieds, you could try dating apps or websites, which can provide a great way to meet people outside of your normal social group. Dating in this way has lost its stigma and has become an increasingly popular way to find romance.

Take Care of Yourself

Divorce is undeniably one of the most stressful experiences life can throw up, even for the party that instigates proceedings, so it’s important to talk to friends, family and medical professionals if you feel at all anxious. Trouble sleeping and/or dramatic weight loss/gain are the outwardly obvious signs of stress, and depression can follow, so it’s important to open up about your feelings to close friends or trained professionals who can help you get back on track.

While things may sometimes feel tough as you readjust, it’s important to remember that many people overcome the emotional strains to successfully rebuild their lives, possibly finding a new love along the way.

For couples that can maintain effective communication during the separation, mediation can be a very productive alternative to Court battles. Mediators are totally impartial, do not take sides and only offer sound legal advice in order to facilitate ‘good’ divorces with minimal animosity.

There’s no denying that divorce can sometimes be traumatic and difficult, but getting out of an unhappy marriage can also be an empowering experience. A growing number of over-50s are untying the knot and taking bold steps to start new chapters, but it goes without saying that such decisions should not be taken lightly.

Muna Saleem is an expert in family law, and is an associate solicitor at Crisp & Co. and an accredited member of the Law Society’s Family Law Panel. You can connect with Crisp & Co on Facebook.

 

 

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Brené Brown on Toxic shame and Vulnerability

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The Power of Vulnerability
Brene Brown

I found the video below and couldn’t think of a better place to share it than on an online magazine that talks about divorce and the emotions that one can feel when going through divorce, the divorce process and at time in life after divorce.

“Vulnerability is not weakness.”  Brene Brown

Do you think vulnerability is weakness or do you think it’s pure courage?

After 12 years of doing research in this area, Brene Brown has been working in this field of vulnerability and shame and she has concluded that vulnerability is the most accurate measure of courage.

Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change. – Brene Brown

When you want to change, when you want to grow and move away or forward to place where you have never been, your creativity kicks in to allow for this change to occur.  You become aware that by doing this, you will be seen. You will become visible and so will your vulnerability.

But what about shame?  Why do we have to talk about shame, an emotion referred to so aptly by Brene Brow as  the “swampland of the soul”?

Can you talk about divorce and not talk about shame or at least feel it?

Going through divorce will more often than not bring on the feelings of shame, whether you’re the leaver of the left.

So many a people have decided to stay in very difficult marriages and relationships for varied reasons.

But for the ones who leave, the ones who need to actually get out before their soul shrivels and dies, the feeling of shame and fear can be enormous.

How does shame affect you?

“When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door and you think I’m going in and I’m going to try this, shame is the gremlin who says, ‘uh, uh, you’re not good enough, you never finished that MBA, your wife left you…shame is that thing…Shame is not guilt.  Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behaviour…Secrecy, silence and judgement – the 3 ingredients to allow shame to grow.  But douse it with empathy and it cannot survive.”

 

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Victim in Divorce

Playing the Role of Victim in Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Many people go through divorce playing the role of the victim and are oblivious to their part in the end of the marriage.

Casting oneself as the victim in this drama is putting the blame onto their spouse.  Blaming their spouse for what went wrong relieves them of any responsibility for a failed marriage.

These people may go through life being the victim in other settings, such as on the job.

One older man blamed his two ex-wives for his divorces and reduced finances. He was bitter and said his life was miserable because of them, even years after they had left him.

A former friend of mine kept talking about her divorce and how she was wronged by her spouse. It was all his fault. On the job her boss supposedly was out to get her and she claimed to be the victim of co-workers’ jealousy. This got old and we eventually parted ways.

Some seem to be comfortable in the role of victim and derive satisfaction from it.

They may take centre stage when telling tales of their divorce. It is like they are a leaf on the water, floating wherever the river takes them.

This fatalistic view has them drifting along and not exerting energy to make changes. Getting out of victim mentality requires introspection and a willingness to see both sides of issues.

Victim in DivorceFeeling like a victim can impact divorce proceedings. The situation will not be viewed realistically and the person may too passive. They may not be receptive to a fair distribution of assets if they interpret the divorce is 100% the other spouse’s doing.

What some solicitors and mediators do in this circumstance is mandate both spouses have at least one session with a life or divorce coach. The victim can have a reality check and get help with viewing the divorce from a different perspective. The spouse being blamed can get some support and strategies to deal with their soon to b ex.

Empowerment is the opposite of being a victim. This is taking control of one’s life and doing the necessary actions to stay on course.

Knowledge is a part of empowerment, whether it is learning about divorce law or emotionally supporting oneself. It is taking an active role in the divorce process and seeking advice on the most advantageous spit of assets.

Empowerment is taking classes to keep current in one’s career for better financial footing post-divorce. Empowerment is discovering strengths and talents in order to feel good and be fulfilled.

Avoid feeling like a victim by taking responsibility for your life. This is taking charge of yourself. When a person admits their mistakes, they learn from them and can move one.

Get out of childhood patterns of behaviour such as feeling you are a victim with the world out to get you. Break free from the past to ensure healthy relationships in the present. You are in the driver’s seat for your life, and not a passenger going along for the ride. If repeating old ways of interactions, consider seeking professional guidance to learn how to communicate more effectively.

Does feeling like a victim bring happiness? No. It is vacillating between being helpless and angry. The victim mentality can lead to depression when one feels powerless.

If you have a friend who blames their ex and many others for their problems, tread carefully. They may not be receptive to stepping out of the victim role. Gently give your point of view and let them vent. You may decide to put a time limit on discussing their divorce and ex.

This quote is from Nora Ephron: There are also a lot of divorced people who five years later are still walking around angry when they should be grateful. They love being victims.

You get to a certain point in life where if you were younger you’d say, ‘Think about getting a shrink.’ Then you get older and want to say, ‘Pull up your socks. Get over it.’”

 

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

photo credit: Sad Icelandic sculpture via photopin (license)

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Coping and dealing with divorce
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In Conversation with Vena Ramphal – Her Divorce Journey and Growing from Divorce

Published on
Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal

In this candid interview, Vena Ramphal, Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures, gives us insight into her own divorce journey.

She talks to us about her marriage, why it ended and what she learned from the whole divorce process and experience,

When it comes to divorce advice, Vena urges us to think of divorce as a completion rather than as a splitting up.

This completely changes the way we think about relationships, about endings, about going on to the next chapter of our lives and it changes the we think about marriage into a much, much healthier way.

When committed to happiness first then we are able to shine and give the best of ourselves.

As Vena speaks of her divorce experience, she blends in some really terrific divorce advice that may not only help you in coping with divorce and helping children cope with divorce, but also to probably find the answer to the question, “should I get a divorce?”

We won’t tell you more – just click play, listen and walk away with something you didn’t know or have before.

Vena Ramphal is the Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

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Empowerment in Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Being empowered in divorce is the opposite from viewing oneself as a victim.

It is the difference from being in a place of strength to feeling out of control during and post-divorce.

Assess what you can control and what is out of your hands. You may be surprised that you really do have more input in your proceedings and can take a more active role.

Speak to your solicitor or mediator about what you want to get out of the divorce, preferably also in writing for their future reference.

I know a few acquaintances that felt helpless and just went with the flow, instead of being assertive. They are kicking themselves now post-divorce.

Empower yourself with knowledge.

A great site that answers many divorce questions is www.gov.uk and gives a glimpse of what to expect. Look up on calculate-your-child-maintenance the calculator which indicates what to expect for child maintenance in your situation.

Knowing what to anticipate ahead of time lets you think about Plan B. If you will be the receiver, and the amount seems too low, have a list ready of what else could be thrown in – sports, camp fees or other activities to be included as child support.

If you are the payer, offer more in spousal maintenance which is a tax break for you, and less in child maintenance, which is not. Being empowered is having an idea what you are up against in divorce and forming plans on how to deal with it.

Empowerment in Divorce
Empowerment in Divorce – Take up painting again

One fellow who survived an acrimonious divorce suggests having a “victory garden.” Grow some vegetables – even in containers- to show the children that you are self-sufficient. Putting food on the table that you grew is another way to feel empowered. The added bonus is nurturing living things takes the focus off your problems and on to what is thriving in your care.

Uncertain financial footing can put someone in a tail spin.

One woman took her personal items, engagement ring, and family heirlooms to a business who sells goods online. She did this after her husband walked out and before she had hired a solicitor. She felt empowered going into the divorce, since cash would be coming soon.

Some solicitors advise their clients to get a job during divorce so that they feel more in control. Not only does this boost their self-esteem, but enables them to feel more secure during the proceedings when they know they have earning power.

Think about what your talents are and in what areas you excel.

Take up painting again as several divorce people did or get back into baking, sports, etc. Finding what you are good at and enjoying these endeavours, increases your self-worth and self-esteem.

One way another person tries to be in a place of power is by taking some else’s away and tearing them down. This is harder for them to do when you are recognizing and getting positive feedback on your strengths. Are you excellent in some of your roles? This may be as the star on your work team, being a great son, community volunteer, or parent. Visualize how well you are doing in these relationships when feeling helpless in divorce.

Be kind and nurture yourself to be in a position of strength.

Exercise, get plenty of sleep and eat nutritiously, even if it is healthy take-away. If you are sleep deprived, have low blood sugar, ready to cry or explode, this is going to hinder being empowered in divorce. Get centred, and take your time in responding, to keep yourself in a place of power during divorce and co-parenting.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Coping with Change

Coping with Change

Published on
Siobhan Fitzpatrick of Catseye Coaching
Siobhan Fitzpatrick of Catseye Coaching

Every change, big or small, has some impact. Arm yourself with this eight-point guide.

No matter how safe, secure, predictable and stable your life is, you will still have to cope with change at points along the way. Change is a normal and essential part of life, yet, ironically, when we’re in the middle of it, it feels anything but normal.

Changes can be enormous – a marriage, new home, baby, new job, divorce, bereavement.

Everyone knows that these levels of change can be very stressful and difficult to cope with. But small changes can have a big impact too, though they are often underestimated. Things like a new routine in your day, losing or gaining weight, cutting your hair short, changing a room around, not seeing a familiar face any more, can affect you for some time.

It doesn’t make any difference whether you’ve chosen the change or not, it will still have an impact on you. Imagine deciding on something as small as sleeping without a pillow.

At first it would feel odd, you wouldn’t be able to get to sleep, you’d wake up in the night with a sense of loss, and wonder whether you’d ever get used to it. It might be a couple of months before sleeping without a pillow felt normal to you. And that’s the real point: change can’t be rushed. It’s about the transition from one set of circumstances to another, and that takes time.

Some people love change and make changes in their lives often. Too often, though, and there’s a danger of becoming bored too easily and getting hooked on the new. Others dread change and agonise through it. But most of us are somewhere in the middle, enjoying a certain amount of change, but not too much.

The trouble with change is that it has a cluster effect. One change often seems to be followed by several more, and it can feel as though your whole world is changing. So here’s my guide to coping with change as easily as possible:

1) Expect a reaction – 
People often say: ‘I don’t know why it’s affected me so much’, and criticise themselves for crying, laughing, or feeling moody. All these, and every other emotion, are normal in the face of change – any change.

2) Let yourself grieve
 – Change, no matter how good it is, means loss. When something in your life changes you lose the old way of being or the old set of circumstances. And loss means grief and nostalgia.

3) Go with the flow
 – Resist and be rigid in the face of change and it will be a lot more painful. The secret is to be flexible and you can ride it out more easily. Think of yourself like a boat in a storm. Turn against the waves and they’ll crush you, go with them and they’ll carry you home.

Get support
Get support

4) Hang onto the familiar
 – If the change is big then keep up many familiar things as you can – and remind yourself of how much in your life isn’t changing. Stick to your usual routines, see people you normally see, and reassure yourself that not everything has to change just because some things have.

5) Get support
 – Don’t try to cope alone or keep your feelings to yourself. Talk about it, have a hug, a laugh, a cup of tea and a bit of reassurance. Being brave doesn’t always mean managing alone, it may mean finding the courage to ask for help.

6) Divide it up – 
When possible, divide bigger changes into smaller steps. For instance, a house move, a wedding or a divorce involves several stages. When you feel overwhelmed by the enormity of the change, concentrate on the step you’ve reached, rather than the bigger picture.

7) Find the good in it
 – Some changes feel awful – death, illness, financial loss and many others can feel like the end of the world. Sometimes you have to look very hard to find the blessing in such changes, but there always is one. It’s through change that we grow wiser and stronger and learn to make better decisions.

8) Know that it will end
 – All change comes to an end when the new circumstances are in place and become familiar to you. Every change, no matter how big, will end and you’ll return to a feeling of normality. Keep this in mind when you feel as though you’re in the middle of a bumpy ride.

If you have found the above helpful and are interested in receiving my ‘7 Tips for How To Deal With Change’ please email me at info@catseyecoaching.com.

 

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