dealing with divorce - Page 6

How are businesses dealt with during divorce.
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How are Businesses Dealt with During Divorce?

Published on
Jane Tenquist
Jane Tenquist
Partner and Head of the Family Law Team
Myerson Solicitors

In the context of marriage, a business’s worth and its revenue are regarded as a potential asset.

However, this does not imply that the court will mandate the sale of the business. The court acknowledges that the business generates income and losing it could have disastrous consequences.

During family court proceedings, a forensic accountant, appointed jointly by the solicitors representing each spouse, usually assesses the business’s value.

The accountant provides guidance on various matters, including the business’s after-tax value, whether there is any cash available that can be extracted, and the associated tax implications.

Additionally, the accountant determines what the business earner can reasonably earn from the business now and in the future.

Typically, the court evaluates the value of a shareholding in the business based on its actual market value. It seeks a valuation that a willing buyer would pay to a willing seller for that particular shareholding.

When to value a business?

The valuation of businesses arises when either or both spouses hold an interest in the business.

Such businesses can be valuable as a source of income, but they may also be valuable capital assets in their own regard.

How to value a business on Divorce? 

Forensic accountants use many methods:

The Capitalised Future Maintainable Earnings Method 

The capitalised future maintainable earnings approach is employed when assessing majority shareholdings.

The approach aims to determine the amount of earnings, in the form of turnover and EBITDA (earnings before interest, tax, depreciation, and amortisation), that a company can sustain over the foreseeable future.

The resulting figure is then multiplied by a factor, known as the price/earnings ratio, which represents the number of future years’ earnings a potential purchaser might consider acquiring.

To establish the price/earnings ratio, earnings from similar businesses with a known market value are compared with an investor’s required return, and a multiple of the representative earnings is applied.

Adjustments are made afterward to account for any unusual transactions in a fluctuating market.

Net Assets Method 

Net assets approach determines a company’s worth by considering the realisable values of its net assets minus its liabilities.

Modifications are made to account for goodwill and potential unrecorded liabilities, such as deferred tax on property sales or break fees on loan facilities.

This technique is typically utilised when evaluating firms that possess property portfolios.

Dividend Yield Method

Valuation of minority shareholdings commonly involves the dividend yield method, but it is seldom used for private companies.

The approach is founded on the amount of profit the company generates for its proprietors.

How is a business split in a divorce?

The court has considerable flexibility in handling a business during a divorce and can issue any of the following directives:

  • Transfer of shares
  • Repurchase of shares by the company
  • Payment of a lump sum to the non-business-owning spouse from the business’s available funds
  • Allocation of other liquid funds from the marriage to the non-business-owning spouse
  • Sale of the business
  • A decree for spousal periodic payments

Is any discount to the value of a business made on Divorce?

The worth of a business can fluctuate significantly, depending on market fluctuations and economic conditions.

The family court acknowledges that the value of a business cannot be easily quantified like more secure assets, such as the net proceeds from the sale of a house.

However, the court may not necessarily apply a discount as the risk factor of the business would have already been factored in during the valuation conducted by the single joint expert forensic accountant.

In some cases, a discount may be applied to the businesses valuation if one spouse receives a greater cash share. Generally, the court strives to balance the riskier assets against the more secure assets to ensure that each spouse bears a proportionate risk.

About Jane Tenquist

Jane Tenquist is a Partner and Head of the Family Law Team at Myerson Solicitors.  She set up the Family department at Myerson in September 2012.

Jane’s work focus is in matrimonial finance, particularly involving complex issues relating to trusts and offshore assets.  Jane has enjoyed success in tracing hidden assets and obtaining freezing orders to prevent assets being diverted during matrimonial proceedings.

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Five Ways Co-Parents Can Improve Their Communication
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Five Ways Co-Parents Can Improve Their Communication

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Reduce your stress levels and work as a high functioning team.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

– H.Jackson Brown Jr

My ex-husband was the poster boy for staying cool, calm, and collected. It always seemed like nothing could rattle him. In fifteen years of knowing him, I’d only ever seen him really angry once.

In fact, he used to tell me that I had a temper and would belittle me if I ever got angry or upset. That’s the way they were in his family. It wasn’t acceptable to show anything other than a polite smile.

So when I saw him completely lose control and throw a bowl through our bay window during the last months of our marriage, I was shocked.

It highlighted to me just how much stress the end of a relationship will put people under, even those who are very good at hiding their emotions.

Conflict is inevitable when you’re going through a separation, especially when you throw co-parenting into the mix. Our ex knows us inside and out, and they know exactly how to trigger the hurt in us, whether intentionally or by accident.

Nothing brings out our stress and fear more than the thought that our kids might be caught in the middle of something that isn’t good for their emotional well-being.

If your marriage is ending, there’s a high chance you were experiencing a communication breakdown and could not make each other see what you needed. With separation and co-parenting, the need to become a better communicator is even more critical.

Each couple is unique in terms of their communication skills. There may be one person who is level-headed and can keep their cool. One of you may find it easier to rise above the need to be right over keeping the peace.

Whatever you’re dealing with, wherever you are starting from, there is always room to improve your communication skills and make it easier on yourself, your kids, and your ex-spouse.

The primary goal of any communication should be to hear what your ex is saying and find outcomes that are in the best interests of everyone, including you.

Making sacrifices shouldn’t fall on the shoulders of one person. It’s a team effort.

Why is good communication so important?

Think about it. Once you separate from your spouse, you are now in a working relationship. The role is to parent your children the best way that you can.

Imagine a workplace where the employees didn’t talk, or they started getting upset or yelling every time they spoke. They’d be unlikely to produce good ‘results’. In this case, confident, settled children.

If you’re wanting to improve communication with your ex-spouse, here are five ways you can make working together more effective:

  1. Choose your timing

Fatigue is the enemy of good communication. Effective communication requires a lot of brain power, and emotional energy saps our bodies. If you feel exhausted after an intense talk, you’re not alone. It’s completely normal to feel that way.

I remember when my ex-husband and I went to couples therapy, and I would come out feeling absolutely drained. Just the look on his face made me want to crawl into bed and sleep for days.

Talking about things your partner may not receive well takes a lot of energy. Ditto having to hear some harsh truths from their end as well.

There are always good and bad times to try and have a challenging conversation. If you’ve just walked in the door from a hard day at work or been struggling with one of your kids about something, that’s not the best time to contact your ex.

If you’ve been out the night before and are feeling worse for wear, I would avoid all contact with your ex under those circumstances if possible.

  1. Put the phone down

These days most communication is done through instant messaging or texting. The issue with this is an immediate response is right at our fingertips. The fingers fly when we are feeling attacked, hurt, or self-righteous.

Arguing through texts is never a great idea. Context can very quickly get lost, and reactions are instant.

If you find yourself emotionally triggered by something you’ve read in a text, try putting your phone down and walking away. Find something you can do for 15–30 minutes. Set a timer on your phone, and commit to not responding until the timer has gone off.

  1. Is it urgent?

Ask yourself if you need to respond immediately. Many times we react to something purely because someone has sent us something. We don’t stop to ask ourselves, ‘Do I need to answer this text/email/voice message straight away?’.

If not, give yourself time to mull over the message and how you would like to respond.

  1. Speak quietly

There is power in speaking quietly. Your instinct might be to raise your voice when you feel like you aren’t being heard. It feels counter-intuitive, but talking loudly reduces the chances that you’ll get your point across effectively.

Once you start to raise your voice during a discussion, you have lost the willingness of your audience to listen. All your ex hears is someone yelling at them, and their cortisol levels rise. When cortisol increases, the brain loses the ability to process what is being heard properly.

When you think of it that way, you realize that yelling is pointless.

If you get to a point where you feel like you have to raise your voice to be heard, take a time out. Reschedule the conversation for another time.

  1. Use digital communication

Face-to-face interactions can be far more challenging than digital communication. Each mode has pros and cons.

However, the main benefit of emailing is that you get to take stock and think about your reply before sending it. You can then re-read your writing and tweak it if you need to. Take out any unnecessary information and stick solely to the subject.

Take things one day at a time

Treat each interaction like a data-gathering exercise in the first months of co-parenting. Learn what methods of communication work best for you and for your ex-spouse. Make it a priority to become a co-parent who can be an open, curious team player.

There will always be those times when Murphy’s Law kicks in, and anything that can go wrong will go wrong. You’ll find yourself in a conversation that ambushes you out of nowhere and end up in an argument.

This happened to me recently after ten years of great communication. My ex and I started to disagree about holiday plans for the kids over text. I told him that I would give him a call in an hour to talk about it in person.

When I got hold of him, he had calmed down and we managed to sort it out rationally without arguing.

In the past, I would have entered into a back-and-forth with my own reasons about why I felt I was right, but these days I trust my ability to stay calm and talk it through assertively. I can hear my ex out and, at the same time, stand my ground where I need to.

It’s a delicate balance and one that comes with time and practice.

Takeaway

Quality communication is an essential part of successful co-parenting. Learning effective ways to interact with your ex strengthens the working relationship and reduces your stress levels.

Less stress means you’ll be able to function at a higher level and show up consistently for your kids, career, friends, and family, and most importantly, yourself.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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How do I find the right family mediator for my divorce?
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How Do I Find the Right Family Mediator for my Divorce?

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Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

If you opt to settle your divorce through mediation rather than a drawn out, expensive and contentious Court settlement, choosing the right mediator is vital.

Here are some guidelines to help ensure the best possible outcome for you, your ex, and – most importantly – any children involved in your relationship breakdown.

Who chooses the mediator?

The first step if for each of you separately to attend a confidential Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM) with a qualified mediator who should  be approved by the Family Mediation Council (FMC).

You can appoint your own mediator through the FMC register which lists mediators near where you live.

At the MIAM you both discuss with the mediator key issues that need resolving. If you have children, the mediator should explain to you how your children’s voice can be heard within the process.

The mediator will explain the mediation  process and consider with you alternative ways of resolving the issues between you.  At the end of the session, you and the Mediator will come to a decision together as to whether you think mediation is suitable for you.

Why should the mediator have to be approved by the FMC?

Anyone with no training or qualifications can claim to be a family mediator.

FMC approval gives you the confidence that the mediator entrusted with this crucial role has been trained – and is qualified, and fully insured.

What is the mediator’s role after the MIAM?

If mediation is the way forward, the mediator who conducted your MIAM will set up a joint meeting with the two of you

Your chosen mediator will help you both work out key issues such as children contact and support along with dividing assets, property, pensions, and debts.

It can be very helpful in disputes relating to financial issues for you to use an FMC accredited mediator who is also a family lawyer. Although they will remain impartial in the process, they will be able to give you very useful legal information in the mediation, providing explanations as to how the legal process works and the options available to you around your properties, debt, pension, and income.

Where there is a need for you to take your own legal advice, this will be flagged up by the mediator.

Giving couples control over their divorce, mediation can be completed in as few or as many meetings as you need.  These can take place over a few months or, in some cases, weeks.  Depending on the issues, some couples are able to come to agreed proposals in just one meeting.

Findings from the Family Mediation Council highlight that agreements are reached in over 70% of cases of couples undergoing mediation.

I have seen repeatedly how mediation helps separating couples to find an agreed way forward in a constructive, positive manner which avoids going to Court, prioritises children’s well-being – and supports the long-term interests of all those involved.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Nicki Mitchell

Nicki is a partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors. With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

Skilled in mediation and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki is also a Child Inclusive Mediator which enables her to meet with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

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Will Compulsory Mediation Protect Children from Courtroom Conflict?
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Will Compulsory Mediation Protect Children from Courtroom Conflict?

Published on
Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

Thousands of children could avoid seeing their parents embroiled in bitter, lengthy, and costly courtroom conflicts following a proposal to make mediation compulsory for separating couples.     

We wholeheartedly welcome the Government’s plan for separating couples to undertake mediation with a qualified mediator like myself to agree key issues such as arrangements for children and financial settlements.

The proposal, which aims to overhaul the family justice system, would apply to all suitable low-level family court cases. It would not include cases involving claims of, or a history of, domestic violence. 

Going to Court would be a last resort if parents are unable to agree a way forward.  

We have witnessed time and again the detrimental, and sometimes long-lasting, impact that contentious courtroom disputes among warring parents can have on children’s physical and mental well-being.

Mediation can help separating couples to find an agreed way forward in a constructive, positive manner which prioritises children’s well-being and helps the long-term interests of all those involved in the break-up.  

A qualified Mediator helps couples to discuss issues confidentially and find workable agreements more quickly and cost effectively. Giving couples control over their divorce, mediation can be completed in several meetings over a few months or, in some case, weeks.     

Going to court is entirely different. If separating couples are unable to reach an agreement, a judge, who doesn’t know them or their children, will decide how their financial assets will be divided. The judge – or Magistrates – will also determine how much time each parent spend with their children and that decision is legally binding.

The compulsory mediation proposal is undergoing a 12-week consultation. More information can be accessed here.  

Another positive move for separating couples sees the Government extending the Family Mediation Voucher Scheme until April 2025.  

Since being launched in March 2021 in response to Covid-19, over 15,000 families have benefited from the publicity funded initiative which gives them vouchers worth £500 for mediation to help resolve their disputes. 

To find out if you qualify for the scheme, visit  Family Mediation Voucher Scheme – GOV.UK (www.gov.uk).

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Nicki Mitchell

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements. 

A skilled mediator and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki has recently further enhanced her extensive expertise by becoming a child-inclusive mediator. The accreditation enables her to who meets with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

About Jones Myers

Jones Myers is a niche, multi award-winning family law firm based in Leeds, Harrogate, and York

The practice, founded in 1992, has retained its Family Law Firm of the Year North title in the Family Law Awards across 2020-2022 for its outstanding quality of service to clients.

For over two decades the firm has been consistently ranked in a joint Top Tier position by the Legal 500 and Chambers guides alongside national practices.

The Financial Remedies Department acts for clients on divorces, pensions issues, trust work and pre-and post-nuptial agreements.

The Children’s Department delivers every aspect of public and private children law. Managing national and international issues, it specialises in private residence and contact disputes, care proceedings, adoption work, special guardianships, relocations, and education matters.

Jones Myers lawyers are acknowledged leaders in their field and include mediators, collaborative experts, and an in-house barrister.

Email: info@jonesmyers.co.uk 

Locations: 

York

The Quadrant, Bootham Row YO30 7BP, Tel: 01904 202550

Leeds

8 St Pauls Street, Leeds, Leeds, LS1 2LE, Tel: 0113 246 0055

Harrogate 

5 Victoria Avenue, Harrogate, HG1 2PW, Tel: 01423 276104

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Divorce Retreats and the 3 Top Tips for Coping with Divorce

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Sue Atkins
Sue Atkins
Parenting Expert

In this interview, Sue Atkins, author and parenting expert, not only shares her 3 top tips for coping with divorce, and the initial stages of divorce but she also discusses what role divorce retreats play in helping those going through divorce cope with the divorce process from  legal, financial and emotional perspectives.

Just as people will invest and gain in attending weekend marriage retreats, so may others gain plenty in participating in divorce retreats.

Beginnings and endings can play such pivotal roles in our lives and the directions we take, that seeking support, clarity and understanding can help shape what a life after divorce will look like.

Find out more about the value of divorce retreats in the interview below.

Sue Atkins is a Parenting Expert, Writer, Speaker, Broadcaster and Parenting Coach & Mum as well as the author of the Amazon best selling books “Parenting Made Easy – How to Raise Happy Children” & ‘Raising Happy Children for Dummies’ one in the famous black and yellow series as well as the author of the highly acclaimed Parenting Made Easy MP3s and CDs and Workbooks.

Sue Atkins also regularly appear on the flagship award winning “This Morning” Show on ITV  with Holly Willoughby and Philip Scofield, BBC Breakfast television, The Jeremy Vine Show on BBC Radio 2  and she has her own regular “Ask Sue” Parenting  Q & A phone- in on BBC Radio Surrey and Sussex once a month.

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How to Deal with Divorce in the Workplace – A Divorce Story

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Charis Rooks
Charis Rooks
Author and Speaker

I have divorced twice and in that I have had two totally different experiences.

After my first divorce I remember going into my boss’s office with my supervisor and a couple other staff members to ask for a few days to recoup. In that meeting I was informed that what I shared in that room would stay in that room, so I opened completely up and told everything and I mean every little detail.

Well a couple days later when I returned I was bombarded with questions of what happened, am I ok, awkward stares, glances that resembled a look of pity, and of course gossip. I remember that day wishing that there was another way I could have gone to my supervisors unidentified to ask for time off to recoup.

I was now humiliated and my trust now for those in that room at my job was broken along with my life that was already feeling broken.

Can you imagine going through a divorce and now having such a humiliated feeling that you decide to leave your job?

Well that happened to me  I had to leave because that feeling sickened me daily as if I was so powerless over my life I had to have a pity party thrown by people every day who really didn’t know me outside of work.

Don’t get me started on the gossip, it was so out of hand I became severely depressed.  The best way I can describe how I felt after these two life changing events was like two unstable molecules ready to react at a moment’s notice.

My advice to you is use wisdom and discernment in what you share especially those who are not close to you.

Your job is your professional workplace and the best advice I can give you is this.

If you are uncomfortable with a stranger at work finding out intimate details about your divorce do not do as I did and sit with multiple people to share these details at work.

Do not underestimate the destructive havoc that gossip can impose on your life in the workplace setting.

ABOUT CHARIS

After her second divorce, Charis decided that it was time to do something not only for herself but also for other women going through similar struggles.

As a survivor of divorce, Charis knows all about the lies and confusion that come with divorce. Though divorce does eventually end, the emotional scars and stress that come with a difficult divorce do not.

Charis is passionate about speaking the truth to women who are caught in the endless cycle of struggle after divorce and she encourages them to share their stories to help provide not only counseling for themselves but also support for others.

Charis does not limit her time to Draw for Women but also reaches out in other ways.

She is an accomplished and published author, having penned God Rarest Diamonds: A Proverbs Life after Divorce Devotional for women and Coming Soon- The 30 Day Life after Divorce Prayer Challenge for Women, which provides encouragement, support, and spiritual enlightenment to those who are struggling, helping readers bring peace to their life journeys. In addition to Draw for Women and writing,

Charis has a personal life that is as full as her professional life.

Charis is married to a wonderful man and is the mother of two talented and beautiful daughters.

Charis earned her Bachelor’s Degree in Business Technical Management with a concentration in Small Business and Entrepreneurship- Magna Cum Laude in Spring of 2016 and is currently pursuing her MBA.

When she is not working or studying, Charis loves to read, write, and travel. Charis is a dedicated individual who wants nothing more than to share her ideas, experiences, and knowledge to help other women who are struggling with divorce to become comfortable with themselves and with the state of their lives again. 

Facebook: http://facebook.com/draw4women

Twitter: Charis Rooks @draw4women

Instagram: Draw4Women

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What is the Role of the Family Mediator in Dealing with Indifference?

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Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford – Civil Mediator and Tribunal Judge

“The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.”

This very insightful sentence, written by the renowned philosopher and academic, Elie Wiesel, essentially explains why so many partnerships and marriages flounder or fail.

In some instances, the split that is announced to friends comes as a surprise.  Neither they nor even the parties to the relationship themselves ever saw this coming.

After all the friends say, “neither of them of them was unfaithful and there was never any suggestion of abuse or nastiness”.

Some of these indifferent couples may get counselling or guidance but others may simply decide that enough is enough and take steps to formally terminate their relationship.

Some may end up in a room with a family mediator giving financial disclosure and discussing what arrangements should be made for their children. It may be that instead of one or either of the parties making what some would see as explicit or unrealistic demands, the mediator is confronted by a party who cannot be bothered.

An example of this would be one party not maintaining adequate levels of contact with the children of the relationship even where there is no objection to him or her doing so.

Family mediation is a voluntary as well as a flexible, confidential process that allows for the possibility of reconciliation.

In the course of separation one of the parties to a relationship, or indeed both, could decide to try and salvage the relationship. If they are in mediation their mediator will explain to them that they can either withdraw completely or else suspend the process for a fixed or even an indeterminate period. This might give them time to consider their options, possibly to try to regain what they once had and to  begin to build up trust in one another.

In these circumstances, is there a role for the mediator particularly as he or she must not adopt the mantle of counsellor or therapist?

Role of the Family Mediator in Dealing with IndifferenceThe couple who are thinking of reconciling may either not go back to living with one another straightaway or have not yet reached the point that they feel able to discuss matters without some external input. If they decide to retain separate households, even in the short term, there may still be financial matters such as maintenance and child related issues such as contact to be resolved.

It might be that the initial split was caused by a couple’s disagreement about the best way to discipline and care for their children and they might benefit from the drawing up of a parenting plan.

Alternatively they may conceivably be in dispute about the running of a family business or the status of an extension built to accommodate a relative. One of the parties to the relationship may be in dire financial difficulty and irrespective of any wish to try and reconcile, may consider it necessary to take steps in order to protect him/herself and their children. Moreover, a couple’s therapist or counsellor may have advised that progress cannot be made until some legal issues are resolved and it well may be that skilful and timely input from a mediator saves the day.

In such cases, the family mediator has a vital role to play. He or she will very possibly change emphasis and no longer specifically use terms such as “divorce” or “clean break,” but the process of a mediator helping to facilitate an agreement may still be required.

What if it really is too late for a reconciliation and one or both parties simply decides that there is no point in considering reconciliation and opt to forge ahead?

In such circumstances, if the parties decide that that is what they want, the mediator may simply carry on with “plan A” and in the fullness of time a mutually acceptable settlement may be reached.

In the face of indifference from one or both parties part of the role of the family mediator is to accentuate the positives so as to help them to communicate better. In so doing the mediator will be able to help a couple to foster an improved level of trust that will enable them to reach an agreement and to behave towards each other in a more civilised manner.

Without this input which family mediators routinely provide and which helps disputing parties to overcome indifference in addition to  enmity or dislike, any negotiations or discussions may fail. If so there may be less likelihood of a divorced or separated couple communicating effectively with one another, perhaps for years to come.

About the Author

Paul Sandford ( http://www.albertsquaremediation.co.uk/ ) is an accredited civil mediator and Tribunal Judge. He is also an associate of a Birmingham-based firm of solicitors, My Business Counsel.

He mediates for a leading UK charity and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training .

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

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divorce online dispute resolution
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UK to Get Online Dispute Resolution in Spring

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Terrence_Trainor_-_Fletcher_Day
Terrence Trainor – Head of Family Law at Fletcher Day.

This spring is set to see the launch of the UK’s first online dispute resolution (ODR) service.

The service is being launched by Relate, one of the UK’s largest support providers for those experiencing relationship issues.

The system will be aimed at couples who are going through divorce or separation, and will aim to offer them a new way of resolving their disputes.

As well as offering the convenience and efficiency of an online service, Relate’s new ODR system aims to be less confrontational and adversarial than traditional methods of resolving a dispute during a divorce.

Modria, a specialist in ODR systems based in the USA, has developed the platform. Modria previously built a similar system for use in the Netherlands, the Rechtwijzer, which was the first dispute resolution platform of its kind anywhere in Europe.

The Rechtwijzer provides couples with easy access to legal advice and support along with tools for “self-help” in negotiating a settlement.

The platform ultimately leads couples to a valid, legally-binding agreement with minimal need for professional intervention. The system has currently been in operation for around a year, and has been praised for its considerable success in relieving pressure on the legal system while offering couples an accessible and practical alternative dispute resolution method.

online dispute resolution
Online dispute resolution – less confrontational

The system that Modria has created for Relate will be similar in many ways to the Dutch system but, unlike the Rechtwijzer, has not benefited from any government funding. Rather, Relate has raised the money necessary to develop the system through a number of different channels, and continue to seek additional funding in order to improve the system in the future with additional features and functionality. In particular, Relate hopes to make the system one that can be safely accessed and used by children.

The new ODR platform, which has also received input from prominent family law organisation Resolution, is described by Relate as a “single point of access for information and support for all families before, during, and after separation.” Joe Korner, Relate’s Director of Policy and Communications, also described the system as “a one-stop shop for people going through separation.”

In particular, Korner pointed to the fact that “there is nothing in the system which actually requires the involvement of mediators or lawyers – it is a technology-facilitated negotiation process.” However, he also went on to point out that couples will also have access to legal advice and support, including trained mediators, either online or offline if they have trouble settling things entirely through the use of the automated system.

Currently, Resolution plans to initially carry out a “soft” roll-out of the system in the spring. This will then be followed by twelve months of continued development and improvement, after which it is hoped the software will be ready to be made “available to everyone.”

This article was contributed by Terrence Trainor, Head of Family Law at Fletcher Day.

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The one that got away

Divorce – The One that Got Away

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Most of us have stories about “The One That Got Away.”

He might have been a high school crush or the lovely woman from a previous job.

When we hit a bumpy road in life, such as with divorce, we wonder “What would have happened if we…?”

You still may be dealing with a broken heart and your friends have a glazed look when he is the topic of conversation for the hundredth time. The cliché “Time heals wounds” does not seem to working for you.

Understanding what the one who got away represents, gives clarity in determining what is lacking in your life now.

That relationship may remind you of happier, carefree days. You were younger without all of the current burdens and responsibilities.

When we feel overwhelmed, it is natural for our minds to drift off into fantasyland of what might have been. Does that relationship conjure up fun and excitement that seems to have vanished with divorce?

It does not always mean that you want the actual person back, but rather the circumstance surrounding that former relationship. When a few friends talked about the one who got away, it seemed like they were missing the social clique and parties more than the boyfriend.

What did you learn from that relationship which can be brought into new ones?

the one that got away
That relationship may remind you of happier, carefree days.

Perhaps it is having a sense of fun or someone who treats you respectfully. Examine the specific behaviour or action that caused this break up.

If she left you for someone else, then her interest level plummeted and it was over. If you drifted apart – analyse that situation so you can gain closure. We look at the past through rose coloured glasses which can affect our sense of reality regarding a former relationship.

If you had a holiday fling and wonder if it could have been made permanent, rethink this situation. If it was meant to be, then there would have been communication between you two when the holiday was over.

If stuck in the past and having difficulty letting it go, consider seeing a divorce coach to get you back on track.

A way to avoid dealing with present problems is to stay rooted in the past.

A friend did cyber stalking on her former flame who is happily married with a suitable spouse. Both are high powered solicitors who are on the party circuit.

Discussing how his current life choices are so different from hers, was the wakeup call for my friend to move on. She was having difficulty in her marriage which prompted this reminiscence. Going through a divorce stirs up emotions and a longing for pleasanter times from the past.

There are cases where people have reconnected many years later and got married. There are also ones where the same problems from before, sabotaged their relationships again.

Consider relationship counselling if tempted to reunite with the one who got away. Divorce can leave one vulnerable, so do not jump right back into another relationship.

Working on getting a more fulfilling life, diminishes daydreaming about a past love during or after divorce. Enlarging one’s social and professional networks brings interesting people into one’s sphere.

Connecting with others helps to lessen loneliness and gives a sense of community. Understanding why a relationship has continued to haunt us, is the key to exorcizing it for good.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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Coping with Divorce and the Lessons Learned

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

I have been divorced for seven years and have learned a few lessons along the way.

When I first got divorced most things seemed monumental. I had to learn when to step back and when to charge ahead. I sometimes felt like I was in a fog and relied too much on others.

When visitation deteriorated post-divorce, I listened to my mum and other well-meaning people about just letting it go on as scheduled. Instead of filing a motion with the court to suspend it, my younger son was particularly traumatized by going to visitation a year longer than necessary.

He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which may have been less had I heeded his demand not to go anymore.

Neither son has contact with their father or his parents. The point is to listen to your gut feeling and push for a resolution to a problem sooner than later. One is vulnerable and is prone to put too much weight on other people’s opinions.

Instead of reacting, take a break from the situation to come up with a response.  Reactions are hot-headed and responding is taking in the facts and making an informed decision about what to do.

One does not have to make quick decisions in a panic, but can say, “Let me get back to you.”

This also applies to family members, work colleagues, or anyone who may try to enlist your time and energy when you are running on empty.

It is not only okay to run away, but even therapeutic.

Go to Cornwall or Brighton and enjoy the sea. Or go to more far-flung places to heal and rejuvenate yourself. Getting away from a stressful divorce situation was the balm to soothe our emotional wounds.

For my sons and I meandering down lanes in Palermo increased our bonding and feeling that we can get through anything.

My sons and I were allowed to go on an already-scheduled cruise during my divorce. The other passengers were fabulous and shared their getting through adversity stories. Walking through the souk in Tunis and

Our batteries were recharged during this journey.

I discovered how important family is during a crisis like divorce.

There was a month gap during my divorce before I could get some funds released to me and when I had to make a down payment on the house I was purchasing. My cousin provided the short-term loan of £13,200 so that I could close on my house before I received some divorce assets. I would have lost this sanctuary without my cousin’s kindness.

On the flip side, a well-to-do family member (not related to him), refused to do a short-term loan so that I could get my house. She stated that I did not know how to negotiate. You may be surprised by what family members come through for you and those that do not.

Divorce taught me to appreciate the smaller pleasures in life; hummingbirds hovering around my zinnias, a perfect latte, and the bliss of a pedicure.

When I was enduring a bad marriage, I was focused on survival, not bits of joy. Consider thinking of several things a day for which you are thankful. This helps to not take kindness for granted. Pay attention to what increases your happiness and plan these regularly into your schedule. Fun and laughter have health benefits and decrease my headaches. Meeting friends is a necessity and not an indulgence.

Divorce teaches assertiveness. I stand up to people whom I think are taking advantage of me or someone else.

When a former boss put a false allegation into my yearly review I went to the Human Resources Department to lodge a rebuttal. I sent the boss a polite note pointing out her error. I did get input from a few colleagues first, to make sure that I was on target and not overreacting.

When a garage botched a co-worker’s car repair, I called them and demanded that they fix it (they did).

Going through a divorce has increased my social and professional networks. At first the pool of friends shrinks, but then expands as we meet new people. Post-divorce is an adventure with many twists and turns.

Follow Wendi on Twitter

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, and hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK.

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clean break

Coping with Divorce Anger

Published on

Suzy Miller www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukIn this interview by Suzy Miller, Counsellor and Psychotherapist Paula Farson of Cedar Counselling explains why it makes sense to get psychological support earlier rather than later when navigating divorce or family separation.

“Many clients come to counselling in crisis but realise it would have been life enhancing to invest in their wellbeing earlier.

We often carry the belief that it is disloyal to our family members to discuss our lives with a counsellor when in reality the reverse is true.  What we really need is to be able to express ourselves openly and feel completely un-judged – and not be afraid of upsetting anyone by expressing our pain or our rage.  So a counsellor we don’t know socially is much more useful to us than someone we are friends with.

When we work on our psychological well being the positive changes in us are picked up by people close to us, often leading to a healthy ripple effect.

Happy parents lead to happy children, relaxed adult children bring about contented older parents and an accepting relationship with one’s ex is a relief to all parties!

In Psychotherapy, there is no prescribed number of sessions and the process is different for every individual and tailored to their needs.

Counselling and psychotherapy provides a confidential, non-judgmental environment to be ourselves without masks or filters.  And the sooner we use it to release withheld anger and emotional suffering, the healthier it is for us and for our families and friends and – most of all – for our children.”

 

Interview by Suzy Miller of The Alternative Divorce

Follow Suzy on Twitter, Google+, Facebook

 

 

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Divorce Humour

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Top 6 quotes to show some divorce humour.

Enjoy!

 

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