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How to Know If It’s the Right Time for a Divorce
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How to Know If It’s the Right Time for a Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Deciding to end a marriage is one of life’s most challenging decisions. While there’s no universal “right time” for divorce – certain signs may indicate it’s time to consider this option. In this article we will explore key indicators and important considerations when contemplating divorce.

Signs Your Marriage May Be in Trouble

Persistent unhappiness is often the first sign that a marriage is in trouble. If you’ve been consistently unhappy for an extended period, despite efforts to improve the relationship – it may be time to reassess your marriage.

This feeling often goes hand-in-hand with a breakdown in communication. When attempts at meaningful dialogue consistently fail or lead to arguments – it can signal a fundamental issue in the relationship.

Infidelity is another major factor that can lead to divorce. Repeated unfaithfulness or an inability to rebuild trust after infidelity can be deal-breakers for many couples. Even more serious is the presence of abuse in a relationship. Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, like financial control, should never be tolerated and is a clear sign to seek help and consider leaving.

Sometimes, couples find themselves growing apart due to diverging values or goals. If you and your spouse have fundamentally different life aspirations or core values that can’t be reconciled, it may lead to irreconcilable differences.

Red Flags That Shouldn’t Be Ignored

A complete loss of intimacy, both physical and emotional – can indicate a deep disconnect between partners. This lack of closeness often signals that the relationship has moved from a romantic partnership to a mere cohabitation arrangement.

Addiction issues can also strain a relationship beyond repair. Untreated substance abuse or other addictive behaviours not only affect the individual but can have devastating effects on the entire family unit.

Financial problems, particularly financial infidelity or constant money stress – can erode trust and stability in a marriage. Persistent financial dishonesty or unresolvable conflicts over money management often lead couples to consider divorce.

Some couples stay together solely for the sake of their children. While considering children’s well-being is crucial – remaining in a dysfunctional marriage may not be in their best interest long-term. Children are perceptive and can often sense tension and unhappiness between their parents.

If you’ve exhausted all options – tried counselling, communication strategies, and other interventions without success – it might be time to consider separation or divorce.

Important Considerations Before Deciding

Before making a final decision about divorce, it’s crucial to seek professional help. Engage in marriage counselling to explore all possibilities for reconciliation. A trained therapist can provide valuable insights and tools to help you navigate your relationship challenges.

Consider a trial separation. A period of living apart can provide perspective and clarity on the relationship. It allows both partners to experience life without the other and can sometimes rekindle appreciation for the marriage or confirm that separation is the right choice.

Consulting a divorce solicitor is also an important step. Understanding the legal implications and potential outcomes of a divorce can help you make a more informed decision. A solicitor can explain your rights, potential financial impacts, and issues related to child custody if applicable.

Lastly, take time for self-reflection. Consider your own needs, well-being, and future goals. Think about what you want your life to look like in the coming years and whether your current relationship aligns with those aspirations.

Final Thoughts

The decision to divorce is deeply personal and should never be made hastily. If you’re consistently feeling that your marriage is beyond repair and is causing more harm than good – it may be time to seriously consider your options.

Remember, seeking professional guidance can help you navigate this difficult decision and its aftermath.

Whatever you decide, prioritise your well-being and that of any children involved. There’s no shame in ending a relationship that no longer serves you – just as there’s value in fighting for a marriage that still has the potential for happiness and growth.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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Divorce and Separation Checklist
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Divorce and Separation Checklist

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Since the changes to divorce law (in England and Wales) on 6th April 2022, it is now relatively straight forward for individuals to obtain a divorce on-line. The welcome changes have helped parties to navigate the divorce process in a more simplified way meaning individuals going through the divorce process no longer have to consult a divorce lawyer.

Whilst the new ‘fault free’ divorce law has been beneficial to divorcing couples in saving costs and reducing conflict, there are a worrying number of individuals who now take no legal advice whatsoever. This is concerning in relation to dividing the family finances as becoming divorced does not ‘close off’ financial matters and therefore financial claims are often left open, with the individuals blissfully unaware.

Therefore we would always advise individuals going through divorce to have at least one session of legal advice so they have full knowledge of the perils and pitfalls of divorce.  Below are some key points :

Seek early legal advice

It is important to seek legal advice early.  An initial consultation can be invaluable and is often much less daunting than one might think. Family lawyers are very ‘normal’ people who will listen and not judge.

Therapy/ counsellor

If there is a possibility of getting the relationship back on track, a joint marriage counsellor or therapist may be useful. If the relationship is over, an individual therapist or counsellor can help individuals to work through the issues surrounding the separation and to help to deal with the transition.

Try to keep things amicable

Try to be pragmatic and reasonable where possible as this will make the separation much easier to deal with. Try and work together, particularly where there are children involved. Arguing over minor issues and matters of principle will increase conflict, stress and costs, and is rarely productive.

Living arrangements

Consider where both parties will live. Will this be in the same house together?  Sometimes this will be a necessity and is another reason to try and minimise the tension.  Alternatively, if one person will leave then a plan should be put in place for who that will be, where will they go and how two households will be funded.

Arrangements for children

The initial arrangements for the care of the children will be a priority. Take time to consider when and where they will see each parent.  Having an agreed plan in place from the offset will ensure it is as stress-free as possible for the whole family.  A parenting plan could help – Parenting Plan – Cafcass – Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service

Reaching agreements

If a financial agreement is reached between the parties, ensure the agreement is formalised in writing, and embodied into a Financial Remedy Order. If the agreement is verbal or not formalised in the correct way, beware – it will not be a binding agreement.

Alternatives to court

There are many alternatives to Court which should be considered to avoid court and reduce the tension, particularly where there are children involved.

Do not forget about pensions

The sharing of pensions is just as important as the sharing of capital assets such as property and must not be overlooked.  A Pension on Divorce Expert may need to be involved.

Financial and tax advice

It may be useful to speak to an accountant in relation to capital gains tax issues, for example, if more than one property is owned or if one party moves out and lives elsewhere, there could be adverse tax consequences.

Wills

It is important to consider making or updating any Will previously made to ensure that those named to inherit are still correct. It is also worthwhile considering death in service benefits under any pension provision.

This article is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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A Guide for Parents - Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce
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A Guide for Parents – Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Going through a divorce can be emotionally and logistically challenging, especially for parents with children. While the decision to end a marriage may be difficult, it’s crucial to prioritise the well-being of the children throughout the process. One of the most important steps in this regard is devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising the divorce.

A well-crafted co-parenting plan not only sets the tone for a healthy co-parenting relationship post-divorce but also ensures that both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives. It provides a framework for effective communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution, ultimately minimising the impact of the divorce on the children.

By establishing clear guidelines and expectations from the outset, parents can foster a cooperative and supportive environment for their children, helping them navigate this transitional period with greater ease and stability.

Understanding the Concept of Co-Parenting

Co-parenting refers to the process of raising children collaboratively after a separation or divorce. It involves both parents actively participating in decision-making, sharing responsibilities, and maintaining a healthy relationship for the well-being of their children.

Successful co-parenting requires a commitment to putting aside personal differences and focusing on the children’s best interests. Key principles of effective co-parenting include:

  • Open and respectful communication
  • Consistency in parenting styles and rules
  • Flexibility and compromise
  • Avoiding conflict in front of the children
  • Maintaining a united front when addressing children’s needs and concerns

While co-parenting can be challenging, especially in the aftermath of a divorce, both parents need to work together and prioritise their children’s emotional and developmental needs. This often involves setting aside personal grievances and cultivating a cooperative and supportive dynamic.

Establishing a Parenting Schedule

One of the most crucial components of a co-parenting plan is establishing a fair and consistent parenting schedule. This schedule should outline the custody arrangements and visitation schedules, ensuring that both parents have ample time to be actively involved in their children’s lives.

When determining custody arrangements, parents can choose from various options, including:

  • Joint custody: Both parents share legal custody and decision-making responsibilities for the children.
  • Sole custody: One parent has primary legal and physical custody, while the other parent has visitation rights.
  • Shared physical custody: Children spend a significant amount of time living with each parent.

The parenting schedule should consider factors such as work schedules, children’s extracurricular activities, and living arrangements. It’s essential to create a schedule that minimises disruptions to the children’s routines and provides stability.

To ensure a smooth transition, the schedule should clearly outline the pickup and drop-off times, as well as any special arrangements for holidays, vacations, and other important events.

Handling Decisions Related to Children

In addition to establishing a parenting schedule, a co-parenting plan should outline how major decisions concerning the children will be made. These decisions may include matters related to education, healthcare, religion, and extracurricular activities.

It’s crucial to establish clear guidelines for communication and conflict resolution when making these decisions. Parents should agree on a process for discussing and resolving any disagreements that may arise, such as seeking the assistance of a mediator or counsellor if necessary.

The co-parenting plan should also address potential changes in circumstances, such as relocation, remarriage, or adjustments in financial situations. Having a framework in place for addressing these changes can help minimise conflicts and ensure that the children’s best interests remain the top priority.

Managing Finances and Child Support

Financial considerations are an essential part of a co-parenting plan, particularly when it comes to child support and shared expenses for the children’s needs.

The plan should clearly outline the child support obligations and payment arrangements – taking into account factors such as each parent’s income, the number of children, and any relevant legal guidelines or agreements.

In addition to child support, the co-parenting plan should address how expenses related to the children’s needs, such as clothing, extracurricular activities, educational costs, and medical expenses, will be divided between the parents. Establishing a fair and equitable system for sharing these costs can help prevent future conflicts and ensure that the children’s needs are met.

It’s also important to review any potential tax implications and benefits related to child support and shared expenses. Consulting with financial advisors or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance in navigating around financial assets.

Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

While co-parenting requires open communication and cooperation, it’s equally important to maintain healthy boundaries between the former spouses. The co-parenting plan should establish clear guidelines for interactions and communication, ensuring that each parent respects the other’s personal space and privacy.

One critical aspect is avoiding exposing children to parental conflicts or using them as messengers or go-betweens. Children should not be burdened with adult issues or placed in the middle of disagreements between their parents.

It’s also important to respect each other’s personal lives and relationships. The co-parenting plan should outline boundaries regarding introductions to new partners, attending events together, and maintaining appropriate behaviour in front of the children.

By establishing and adhering to these boundaries, parents can create a more harmonious and supportive environment for their children, minimising the potential for further emotional turmoil or confusion.

Involving Children in the Process

While devising a co-parenting plan, it’s essential to involve the children in an age-appropriate manner. This not only helps them understand the changes occurring in their family dynamic but also provides an opportunity for them to voice their concerns and fears.

Open communication with children is crucial throughout the process. Parents should strive to explain the situation in a clear and reassuring manner, emphasising that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will continue to love and support them.

Depending on the children’s ages, parents can consider involving them in discussions about certain aspects of the co-parenting plan, such as visitation schedules or living arrangements. This can help children feel heard and respected – ultimately easing their transition into the new family dynamic.

It’s also important to encourage children to express their feelings and concerns openly. Parents should be prepared to actively listen and address any worries or questions that may arise, seeking professional counselling if necessary.

By involving children in the process and fostering open communication, parents can help mitigate the potential emotional and psychological impacts of divorce – promoting a smoother transition for the entire family.

Final Thoughts

Devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising a divorce is essential for parents committed to prioritising the well-being of their children. By establishing clear guidelines for custody arrangements, decision-making processes, financial responsibilities, and communication, parents can create a supportive and stable environment for their children during this transitional period.

While co-parenting can be challenging, it is vital for both parents to put aside personal differences and cultivate a cooperative dynamic. Seeking professional assistance from mediators, counsellors, or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance and support throughout the process.

Ultimately, a well-crafted co-parenting plan serves as a foundation for a healthy and nurturing relationship between parents and children, helping to minimise the potential negative impacts of divorce and fostering a more positive and harmonious future for the entire family.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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How Do I Maintain Contact with My Grandchildren When Their Parents Separate?
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How Do I Maintain Contact with My Grandchildren When Their Parents Separate?

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Many grandparents whose adult children separate from their spouses or partners suffer anguish, distress and loss when, through no fault of their own, they lose precious time with their grandchild(ren).

During their adult children’s separation, grandparents, can find themselves relying upon their son or daughter to arrange a time to see the grandchild(ren).  Additionally, if their relationship with their son or daughter is estranged, they may not see them at all.

Arranging visitation with the grandchild(ren)

The best option in this scenario is to try to negotiate with the parent in dispute, emphasising the importance of their role in their grandchildren’s lives. If discussions breakdown, grandparents should consider Mediation. This is a process where they and the children’s parents meet with a trained Mediator to discuss their role in their grandchildren’s lives and to work towards a routine of spending time with their grandchildren.

If negotiations and Mediation have not resulted in an amicable agreement being reached, the grandparents could make an application to the Court.  However, due to the fact grandparents do not have automatic legal rights to spend time with their grandchildren they must first apply for “leave” or permission from a Judge to apply to the Court.

The application for contact will only be considered by a Judge when both parents’ views upon the grandparents seeing the grandchild(ren) have been fully investigated.  In some circumstances a Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) officer may be asked to provide a report to the Court.

Once the Judge has the views of both parents, possibly a Cafcass Report, the wishes and feelings of the child(ren) and has considered what they believe is in the child(ren)’s best interests, an Order for contact with the child(ren) may (or may not) be made.

In conclusion, informal agreements directly with the parents are the best option for grandparents. If not successful, then Mediation must be attempted before any Court Application is issued and Court Applications should be a last resort.

This article is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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Family Mediation and ‘MIAMs’: Recent Rule Changes. Young people sitting in a circle and having a group discussion.
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Family Mediation and ‘MIAMs’: Recent Rule Changes

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) have been compulsory in Family Court proceedings since 2014.

MIAMs – What are they?

‘Mediation’ is a method of resolving disputes through an independent third party, known as a mediator. Their purpose is to assist parties in negotiating a settlement.

MIAMs are a meeting which considers and explains the potential benefits of mediation and other non-court dispute resolution (NCDR) methods. During this meeting, the mediator will provide an indication as to the method that would be most suitable to resolve the prospective applicant’s particular dispute. If you are looking to apply to the court to settle your divorce or separation issues, it is a legal requirement that you first attend a MIAM.

The Rules – What’s changing?

  1. MIAM Exemptions:

The courts are looking to update their rules around the obligations to attend a MIAM, and, from 29th April 2024, they will be introducing various changes to reflect this.

If a MIAM exemption applies, then a prospective applicant will not be required to attend a MIAM.

Previously, an application for a MIAM exemption could be accepted in the absence of any supporting evidence. The new Rules, however, require said evidence to be attached to the application.

The courts will make an initial inquiry into whether the exemption is valid, and this will be subject to an ongoing review. If an exemption is deemed invalid, the court may direct parties to attend a MIAM, and possibly adjourn proceedings for that purpose.

In these circumstances, parties are encouraged to engage with the MIAMs because the court will take parties’ conduct into account when considering whether to make an order for costs in relation to the proceedings.

Why?

A stricter approach to the MIAM exemptions means that it will be harder to avoid a MIAM. You may be asking, what are the benefits of this? Well, by exploring NCDR at an early stage, you might be able to (amicably) reach an agreement, and avoid both the time and money involved in issuing court proceedings. Early resolution can also aid in preserving relationships; this may be particularly important in cases where co-parenting is involved.

What else?

April 2024 also brings with it a new MIAM exemption. If a prospective applicant can provide written evidence that they have attended a NCDR process within the 4 months prior the date of the court application (in relation to the same, or substantially the same, dispute to which the proposed court proceedings relate), then an exemption applies. This will ensure that prospective applicants are not unnecessarily directed to attend a NCDR. ‘Written evidence’ is obtained once a NCDR provider has confirmed that the applicant has attended.

  1. An insight into parties’ attitude:

From 28th April 2024, the court is introducing a new Rule for those commencing either financial remedy proceedings or private law proceedings related to children. Applicants who fall within the relevant criteria must now file with the court, and serve on all parties, a form setting out their views on using NCDR as a method of settling.

Why?

The court has introduced this requisite to monitor and identify whether NCDR is a suitable alternative for parties. Requiring parties to record their views about NCDR on paper will encourage them to think outside of the box (or indeed the court room) and consider whether a resolution can be achieved through other means; the benefits of which have been briefly discussed above.

What can divorce experts do?

As well as supporting you in your Family Court proceedings, divorce experts can refer you to accredited mediators that are recognised by Resolution and the Family Mediation Council, to ensure you have the best chance of success at mediating your dispute.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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Understanding Divorce Grief: 6 Key Insights
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Understanding Divorce Grief: 6 Key Insights

Published on

Can divorce be as tough as a death loss?

During my studies in thanatology, the subject of grief and loss, I encountered differing viewpoints on whether divorce can be as tough as a death loss for some people. As a certified thanatologist who has worked extensively with individuals facing both divorce and death loss, I avoid judging which of these emotional journeys is harder, as each holds its unique challenges and emotional impact. What I have come to recognise over time is that both experiences share definite similarities as life’s most significant stressors, particularly within the realm of grief. My practical experience in the grief field, having worked closely with individuals navigating through divorce and coping with death loss, enables me to empathise and connect deeply with the complexities of the divorce experience as well as the deep pain of a death loss. In both, there is the profound sense of loss, emotional upheaval, and the journey of healing that individuals may encounter, which in both cases is a unique and personal experience.

Divorce is a deeply emotional journey that can manifest in many ways

For some, the experience resembles a slow decline, similar to dealing with a lingering chronic illness that eventually reaches its end after years of struggle by one or both parties. On the other hand, some face the abrupt collapse of an unexpected divorce, leaving them bewildered by the sudden loss of what they ‘thought’ was a stable relationship, or even if they had an idea the marriage was not in great shape they had not thought their partner wanted a divorce. These diverse paths of divorce highlight the complexities of human relationships and the range of emotions individuals may encounter when navigating through the challenging process of untangling their lives from a once-shared bond. Understanding the profound impact of divorce on individuals and families is crucial, as it shapes the way we approach support, and have empathy for those going through this life-altering experience.

In divorce, the experience of grief varies for each individual

It is the death of a relationship, yet both parties continue living on. In the realm of grief, this is termed ‘ambiguous loss,’ denoting the person’s physical presence but lack of psychological or emotional connection. It can be challenging to process, as the person remains in your life but in a different role, often limited to co-parenting communication. This situation can be especially difficult for some divorcing couples who once relied on each other but now have minimal contact. Some may feel relief, while others may feel profound pain and difficulty. Both the initiators and the ones that were left do generally grieve, just at different times in the marriage and divorce process.

Divorce encompasses multiple losses

It is necessary to reorganise boundaries and establish new ways of communication with the former partner to name a few. These profound changes and layers of loss often go unnoticed or underestimated, making the process complex and delicate to navigate. Most divorcing people have to go through a lot on their own without much support. In the aftermath of a divorce, it’s crucial to acknowledge and understand the grief that accompanies this significant life change. Each person copes differently and may require support to process emotions and adapt to new circumstances. Practicing self-compassion and patience with oneself and your children during this challenging time can facilitate healing and growth as both individuals move forward with their lives apart from each other.

Another critical aspect of grieving during divorce is recognising that you are indeed grieving.

Many people have come to me, unsure if what they’re feeling qualifies as grief. They may be experiencing anger, not realising that anger can be a form of grief too. It can stem from feelings of loss of control over your life and the drastic changes happening. Grief can manifest in different ways.

Grief has physical, cultural, social, emotional, physiological, and behavioural aspects

Some symptoms can be digestive issues, sleep disturbances, weakened immune system, deep sadness, moments of relief, headaches, changes in behaviour, feelings of isolation, and even jealousy towards seemingly happy married couples. Understanding these various manifestations can help you identify and address your grief more effectively.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on  Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

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New Beginnings with Divorce
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New Beginnings with Divorce

Published on
Wendi Schuller
Wendi Schuller
Dating Coach
Author of The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce can be a catalyst for starting a new life – a chance to discover new interests and rediscover talents. Passions may have gotten put aside or buried in a turbulent marriage or divorce. Dust off the clarinet. Dig out your paint brushes. Get in touch with what you want to do with this new chapter in life.  For example, one recently divorced woman got back into her hobby of pottery. Now her lovely pieces are sold in various venues. Another person had dabbled in painting as a young adult. Post-divorce, she made this her full-time profession.  She is so happy and claims she owes this career change to her divorce.

Time to put yourself first

You may have put other people before you. Take care of yourself and do what you want to do. This means saying “No” to requests of your time and energy. No explanations are required. When you are over extended, you have less energy and your health can be affected. The stress of the divorce process is compounded when trying to live up to other’s expectations and doing too much. Nurture yourself during proceedings.  Set limits on your time in regards to helping others. It is harder to make a new beginning when bogged down with too many unnecessary obligations.

Take baby steps with change

Think about what you enjoyed in the past. What gives you pleasure now? How can you incorporate them into your life? Start by adding them into your schedule, the same as you do for appointments and work commitments. Put at least one fun or pampering activity in your calendar daily. Nurturing yourself helps lower your stress hormones, which makes it easier to try new endeavours .

Be open to opportunities

Consider taking a class which will benefit you professionally or personally. This can help initiate a new career path or different job. I took the opportunity to join Toastmasters when running into some of the members unexpectedly. This opened up doors to speaking internationally in fun locations.  Try new things when you have the opportunity. You broaden yourself and do not have to stick with anything for life. A friend offered me her drum set after my divorce. I took her up on it, and discovered a new passion. Take advantage of what comes your way.

A change of environment

Sometimes after an acrimonious divorce, moving away is what is needed to start over. Going back to the same cafés etc. where you went as a couple, can keep you rooted in the past.  A friend and his wife moved to a small town from London. After several years there, they divorced. Dylan felt that he could not escape her. Going to familiar places were a trigger for feeling her energy and not breaking free. He wanted a new life. Only when Dylan relocated and began a relationship with a lovely woman, was he able to start a new chapter in life.  New surroundings can be freeing from the past.

Break Free

Ask yourself what seems to be your stumbling block from having a new beginning. Even if something sounds bonkers, think about it. One man interviewed, said that his hair was a history to his past. After a horrible break up, he had all his hair cut off. He regrew it and feels no ties to his past and is living a new chapter. Do what it takes so you start anew.  Some people have changed their names post-divorce, not just the surname. Others have started new lives by going to retreats or an ashram. Travelling internationally and mingling with other cultures broadens one world and view point. This is what helped me have a new beginning and career.   Think about what excites you and go for it!

Read more articles by Wendi Schuller.

Wendi Schuller

Wendi Schuller is a dating coach who helps people after divorce and break-ups to start dating again. She is a hypnotherapist, NLP practitioner and a nurse. She wrote The Global Guide To Divorce.  https://globalguidetodivorce.com     

She writes the Jack Jack The Cat series for children.

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What is Parental Alienation & How to Spot the Signs
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What Is Parental Alienation and How to Spot the Signs

Published on
Kate Banerjee
Kate Banerjee
Partner
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

Parental alienation is a particular family dynamic that can emerge when parents separate, in which the child becomes hostile and rejects the other parent.

It  can occur when one parent or carer expresses freely and persistently unreasonable negative feelings or beliefs such as anger or fear towards the other parent.

Such toxic behaviour is often disruptive to the child’s actual experience with that parent and can cause widespread, long-lasting damage to relationships between children and parents.

Parental alienation is a contentious term, many in the legal world are reluctant to use the term parental alienation because of its contentious background. Whatever the view of this contentious pattern of behaviour, parental alienation by its ordinary meaning is often an accurate description of the action of a parent either  consciously or  unconsciously.

Our Children’s Department – which always puts children’s best interests first – has witnessed the detrimental effects of this damaging pattern of behaviour on children and parents who are at the receiving end.

Parental Alienation Day, which took place on April 25, has been raising global awareness of the issue which affects millions of parents and children worldwide and can lead to a gradual corrosion of relationships.

What are the signs of parental alienation?

  1. When a parent forbids or tries to restrict their children from seeing the estranged parent
  2. When a parent tries to convince their children that they would be better off not seeing the estranged parent
  3. When a parent prevents their children from talking about their estranged parent
  4. When a parent constantly criticises the estranged parent in front of their children
  5. When a parent makes up and relays negative actions/stories about the estranged parent to their children
  6. When a parent implies to their children that the estranged parent does not care for them

Time and opportunity are often lost and further damage can be  done to a relationship between the parent and a child if action isn’t taken.

How parents can manage and try to avoid alienating behaviour

We urge parents everywhere to set aside their frustrations and resentment to always make their children’s wellbeing a priority – no matter how acrimonious their relationship breakdown has been.

They can do this in the following ways:

  1. Think before you act about how your behaviour is affecting your children
  2. Make your children’s present and future emotional and physical a priority at all times
  3. Always remember that children of all ages, particularly teenagers, are vulnerable to emotional manipulation
  4. Avoid criticising your ex-partner in front of them and tell them how much both parents love them
  5. Never encourage your children to take your side against your ex-partner
  6. Take an interest in what your children do with your ex-partner
  7. Set up a parenting plan with your ex-partner to ensure effective communication and planning

If you, your ex-partner or your children are struggling with the separation, we advise seeking expert advice, in some cases fast action is necessary to avoid seriously harmful outcomes for children.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Kate Banerjee

A widely recognised leader in Children Law, Kate Banerjee heads Jones Myers nationally and internationally renowned Children’s Department. She is highly experienced in cases which include contact and residence disputes and child protection law.

Kate also has extensive expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit. She is also a Member of the Child Care Panel representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities, and children.

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Navigating Divorce with Grace: Insights into Collaborative Law

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Embarking on the journey of divorce or separation can be daunting, but there are alternative methods to traditional litigation that prioritise cooperation and mutual agreement. In this exclusive Q&A session, we sit down with Charlotte Bradley, an esteemed expert from Kingsley Napley, to delve into the world of Collaborative Law.

Discover insights, tips, and invaluable advice on how Collaborative Law can pave the way for amicable resolutions and a smoother transition during challenging times.

What is collaborative law/practice?

Collaborative family law (or practice) is a way in which a separating couple can, on a consensual basis, resolve issues without court proceedings.  You, your former partner/spouse and your respective lawyers all work together to resolve the various matters arising from separation, including the financial issues and the arrangements for any children.

How does it work?

Each client appoints a collaborative lawyer and the couple and their lawyers then consider the issues which should be addressed, and also which professionals to involve, for example a child specialist to consider the child arrangements, counsellors to support the parties and a financial professional to help with future financial planning. The lawyers and clients sign an agreement in which they all agree not to go to court and instead there is a series of meetings in which a transparent and open dialogue is encouraged. While each lawyer is representing their respective client, the professionals and the couple strive to work together as a team, with the joint aim of avoiding court proceedings. If either party decides they must go to court to obtain a final decision, then each of the couple need to instruct new lawyers.

How does it differ from other ADR options (such as mediation)?

Mediation uses a similar model of face to face meetings, but a mediator is not representing either of the couple. Although they can provide lots of information about options (the court process etc), the mediator is unable to advise on the likely outcome of any proposed settlement. For most family mediation, lawyers tend not to be in attendance (although increasingly, hybrid mediation where the lawyers are in attendance is becoming more common). Some individuals prefer the support of having a lawyer with them in meetings to help discuss and negotiate the various issues as happens in collaborative law.

What are the advantages?

Each client has the support of their trained collaborative lawyer who contracts with the couple to act in a constructive way and are encouraged to put all the family’s (including any children’s interests) at the forefront. For clients who feel insecure about attending mediation without their lawyer next to them (for example if there is a significant disparity in financial knowledge or bargaining power), collaborative law can be a good option as they can seek advice and support throughout albeit the advice that their lawyer gives is more transparent and negotiations should be less polarised than in the traditional court model. The possibility of counselling input and expert assistance around the children’s needs is actively encouraged. The flexibility of the process also enables other professionals to be brought in when needed, for example it is not unusual to bring in a financial planner and other professionals to help consider the future finances for the family including cash flow modelling, options around pensions etc.

What are the downsides?

Collaborative law is not suitable for everyone, and best serves couples who show a commitment to finding a solution to the various issues themselves but with legal support and advice. It is also only suitable for those who expect to give full and frank disclosure about their respective financial positions and other circumstances. Sometimes, if one of the couple wishes to delay the divorce (for example they intentionally postpone meetings etc), the collaborative process can be slow and costs can increase so careful managing of the process is required (and the lawyers and the couple need to be confident that the process is right for them before signing up). The collaborative agreement, requiring couples to change lawyers if the process breaks down and they want to go to court, can sometimes concern potential clients but that disqualification clause is important to encourage the couple and their lawyers to have the right solution focused mindset, to enable non-polarised negotiation and to resolve the issues.

Do you still have to go to court at the end?

No one needs to attend court and if agreement is reached, the collaborative lawyers can transfer the financial agreement into a draft consent order which is lodged at court (with financial summaries) for the judge to approve. It is also common in collaborative law (as it is in mediation) for the couple to prepare and sign a parenting plan setting out the arrangements for the children (although that is not routinely lodged at court).

How long does it take and how much does it cost?

Both answers depend on the issues to be resolved and how engaged the couple (and their lawyers) are to reaching a resolution. If they are committed to the process, and regular ‘four way’ meetings are diarised without delay in between, then collaborative law can be very quick as there is no court timetable applying. Or sometimes one or both of the couple can take time to come to terms with the breakdown of the marriage and resolve the various issues and need more time between four way meetings to reflect and to take advice from their collaborative lawyer. As to costs, they can vary depending on the amount of meetings and how complicated the issues are as the costs will depend on the amount of time the two lawyers spend on the collaborative case (typically based on their hourly rates). It can often be cheaper if the couple bring other professionals to assist on key areas (eg on the child arrangements or for cash flow modelling).

What else can it be used for (eg pre-nups)?

Collaborative law is very flexible and can be used in all areas of potential family dispute. It is particularly effective when couples are discussing the terms of a prenuptial or cohabitation agreement – so that each of them are having clear and transparent discussions with shared professional advice about their future plans and intentions, critical in my experience as different approaches on money and children can cause problems in a marriage or long- term relationship.

Is it a US import? What has changed in the last 20 years in the way it is used here?

So I did the first training in Europe just over 20 years ago (collaborative law having first started in the US and Canada), and with others, helped establish collaborative practice in the UK. What has changed is that we are more aware of the need to bring in non- legal professionals into the collaborative process (eg child specialists and counsellors) to really focus on the solutions for families on separation, with the law being only one small part.

How does it fit with clogged family courts, no-fault divorce, and other modern family law /societal trends?

Collaborative law is one of the now established methods of non-court resolution and, along with other non-court processes (like mediation) is actively encouraged by the government and the judiciary. Following the introduction of no-fault divorce two years ago to help reduce conflict between divorcing couples, there is strong encouragement for couples to resolve their differences without attending court, to reduce cost, the pressure on the court system and also to help avoid the effects of conflict on children which can be caused by long legal battles. And as new court rules come into law on 29 April 2024 to ensure that all couples consider non-court options such as mediation and collaborative law, collaborative practice is likely to be something that becomes of more interest to separating couples in the years to come.

Read more articles by Kingsley Napley.

About Charlotte Bradley

Charlotte Bradley is a Consultant and former head of the Family team at Kingsley Napley LLP. She advises on all aspects of family law, particularly issues to do with finances and children. She is author of the respected legal textbook on Schedule 1 cases. She is also an accredited mediator and collaborative lawyer, often working with high profile and high net worth couples keen to resolve their separation in private.

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How to End a Marriage Peacefully
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How to End a Marriage Peacefully

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chloe-o-contributor
Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

Not all marriages end in drama and fanfare. In many cases, couples just grow apart. They stop loving each other or simply evolve in different directions. In these kinds of situations, most couples agree that there is no need for war or acrimony. They have come to the conclusion that their marriage is over, but it doesn’t mean everything they had together was a lie and should be destroyed. The question is then about how to end the marriage peacefully and with dignity, rather than angrily and destructively.

Key to the success of such an approach will be the intent of both parties. The more committed they are to managing things with low conflict, the more likely they are to succeed. Because, contrary to what one might think, divorcing amicably can be difficult. You need to negotiate the terms of your agreements, which requires compromise and flexibility. In many ways, divorcing in court is the easy way out: you are delegating the decision-making to a judge. It involves great cost and means you have no control over the terms of your divorce, but it doesn’t involve agreeing to some of the other spouse’s requests.

Couples are more likely to divorce peacefully when they have learned to trust and communicate with each other during their marriage. If the couple has worked together as a team in raising their children and running a family, they are better able to leverage these skills once again at the time of separation. Trust is a key ingredient here as it allows each spouse to feel confident that the other isn’t trying to stab them in the back, and that the proposals they are making are reasonable. It doesn’t mean they will agree on everything, but it means that they are both willing to listen to the logic behind the other person’s position, and to contemplate things from their point of view, without assuming any ill intentions.

Most importantly though, the key to a successful divorce is to seek professional support. Even for a couple who is starting things off with the best of intentions, there is always a degree of conflict involved in divorce. The process requires disentangling two lives, which means everyone is losing something. There will inevitably be times when the soon-to-be-divorced couple will disagree on how to proceed. Professional support can help them get unstuck and explore other options. They can help them leverage conflict de-escalation techniques to make sure they don’t become entrenched in seemingly irreconcilable positions. As mentioned above, amicable divorce is hard work, and it is sometimes difficult to stay the course. The key here is not just to get help when you need it, it is to reach out to like-minded professionals whose objective is to support you in achieving a low-conflict divorce. Caution is therefore of the essence in selecting the professionals who will see you through your divorce negotiations.

The prize, however, makes it all worth the effort. By having a peaceful divorce, you will be preserving your own and your children’s wellbeing by limiting stress, conflict, and uncertainty. If you are co-parenting, this means you will ultimately find it easier to work together as a team to raise your children going forward and have a much better post-divorce relationship. A peaceful divorce will also help you achieve a much better outcome because it will be one that you agreed to willingly, after careful consideration, not one that was dictated by a third party who doesn’t know you. Unfortunately, the idea that divorce is a war where someone loses and someone wins still dominates mindsets. The reality is that everyone will lose a little and win a little. But when you go to court and turn the process into an open conflict, everybody loses, including your children and your bank account.

Read more articles by Chloe O.

About Chloe O.

“My name is Chloe O., I am an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) professional and a Certified Divorce Coach. I specialise in working with women to help them reduce conflict during and after divorce by improving their negotiation and communication skills with their spouse. The objective is to work towards an amicable divorce outcome in order to minimise the emotional and financial cost of divorce. I work with all types of clients but I have extensive experience in supporting expatriates and international families who are dealing with the unique situation of living abroad during and after their divorce, with limited local family support, language barriers and relocation considerations.”

For more information about my work and services (including my Podcasts, newsletter, myth-buster videos…), you can visit my website and/or follow me on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

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Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach
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Navigating Divorce With Compassion and Clarity: A Holistic Approach

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Sushma Kotecha
Sushma Kotecha
Family Mediator, Holistic Divorce Life Coach &
Mind-Body Practitioner
Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching

Hello there,

Divorce can feel like sailing through stormy seas, can’t it? Emotions are swirling, and finding your way forward can seem daunting. But amidst the turbulence, there’s a guiding light: a holistic approach to divorce and separation.

Understanding Holistic Divorce

Let’s break it down. Holistic divorce isn’t just about legal proceedings; it’s about tending to your emotional, physical and mental well-being too. It recognises that divorce impacts every aspect of your life and seeks to address those impacts comprehensively.

Imagine this: instead of battling it out in court, you and your ex-partner give mediation a go and sit down with a mediator to find common ground. This approach not only saves time and money but also reduces stress and promotes cooperation. It’s a win-win for everyone involved.

But holistic divorce goes even deeper. It prioritises the emotional health of everyone in the family, especially the children. Through coaching, counselling, and therapy, families can navigate the emotional challenges of divorce with support and guidance.

The Power of Compassion

Now, here’s where the real magic happens. Compassion is your compass through this journey. It means extending kindness to yourself and even to your ex-partner, despite the hurt and anger you may be feeling.

Practicing compassion isn’t easy, especially when emotions are running high. But it can be the key to healing old wounds and finding closure. By letting go of resentment and embracing forgiveness, you free yourself from the weight of the past and open yourself up to a brighter future.

Practical Guidance for Holistic Healing

Let’s get practical. Self-care is your secret weapon here. Whether it’s carving out time for yoga, journaling, or simply taking a walk in nature, prioritise activities that nourish your soul. Remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure to take care of yourself first.

And when kids are in the picture, co-parenting becomes crucial. Keep communication open and always prioritise their well-being. Remember, they’re going through their own emotional journey too, so be patient and understanding.

In conclusion, embracing a holistic approach to divorce is like stepping into the light after a long night. It’s about finding strength in vulnerability and paving the way for a brighter future. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. With the right support and guidance, you can navigate this challenging time with compassion and clarity.

About Sushma Kotecha

Sushma Kotecha, an accredited family mediator, certified holistic life coach, mind-body practitioner, and author of ‘Holistic Divorce: Sh*t Happens, It’s How You Deal With It That Counts’ is a passionate advocate for empowering individuals navigating through challenging life transitions.

With over 30 years of professional experience in the divorce sector and a deep understanding of family law and mediation, she founded Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching to provide a truly transformative and compassionate approach to divorce and separation. As a divorcee herself, she fully comprehends the emotional trauma of this journey, and is committed to helping individuals create harmonious post-divorce lives.

Her mission is to inspire and empower separating couples to stay out of court, take stock, and make well-informed, mindful decisions. By embracing a holistic approach encompassing the mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual toll of separation and divorce, her clients can heal, thrive, and build stronger connections with their children and family members.

She offers a range of services, including personalised online divorce life coaching, mediation, communication support, and co-parenting guidance. By integrating her legal expertise, accredited mediation skills, mind-body practitioner, and holistic life coaching qualifications, she delivers a service that sets her clients on a path towards healing, growth, and renewed purpose.

Sushma is deeply passionate about helping people going through separation and/or divorce. By working together, they embark on a transformative journey, where she guides them to navigate the legal aspects of divorce while nurturing their emotional and spiritual well-being.

Throughout her career, Sushma had the privilege of positively impacting the lives of countless individuals, providing them with the tools and support to emerge stronger and more resilient. As a finalist at the Leicestershire Business Awards 2022 in the category of ‘Entrepreneur of the Year’, the Niche Business Awards 2023 in the category of ‘Best New Business of the Year’ and ‘Family Mediator of the Year’ in the British Family Law Awards 2024, she takes immense pride in the success of Holistic Family Mediation & Coaching.

You can find Sushma and stay connected through her website where you’ll discover valuable resources and insights to guide you through your separation and/or divorce journey. For her personal story click here.

Stay connected with Sushma on social media platforms by following her on X, Instagram, and LinkedIn for regular updates, inspirations, and a glimpse into the world of holistic mediation and divorce life coaching.

Sushma looks forward to walking alongside you on this transformative path, offering compassion, guidance, and support as you embrace the next chapter of your life with clarity and resilience.

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Protecting Your Mental Health in Divorce
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Protecting Your Mental Health in Divorce

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Gemma Scourfield
Gemma Scourfield
Divorce & Family Law Solicitor
Woolley & Co Solicitors

Divorce can often cast a shadow on your mental well-being amidst the whirlwind of legal proceedings, daily responsibilities, and emotional upheaval. Understanding that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed is the first step in safeguarding your mental health. According to research from Science Direct, the emotional distress of ending a relationship intensifies when children are involved, introducing feelings of guilt alongside a myriad of other emotions. This is echoed by findings from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, which indicate that children also deeply feel the impact of their parents’ separation, potentially leading to emotional and behavioural issues.

In 2022 alone, England and Wales saw approximately 80,000 divorces, underscoring the prevalence of marital breakdowns and the importance of managing their emotional consequences. It’s essential for parents navigating mental health in divorce to seek support not only for themselves but also for their children. Resources like those provided by the Royal College of Psychiatrists can be invaluable during these trying times.

Legal support plays a pivotal role in mitigating stress during divorce. Opting for a lawyer who prioritizes non-confrontational approaches can alleviate much of the emotional strain. It’s important to choose a solicitor who communicates clearly, without overwhelming you with legal jargon, and respects your pace throughout the decision-making process. Inquiring about fixed fees can also prevent financial concerns from adding to your stress.

Moreover, if you find the emotional toll of divorce challenging to bear, remember that support is available. Organizations such as Parenting Lives, Relate, and Family Lives offer advice, support, and resources to help you manage stress and navigate the emotional journey of divorce.

Remember, taking steps to protect your mental health in divorce is not just crucial for your well-being but also for your children’s. Amidst the chaos of divorce, prioritising self-care and seeking appropriate support can pave the way for healing and resilience.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Gemma Scourfield

Gemma is a divorce and family law solicitor with Woolley & Co, Solicitors based in Pembrokeshire West Wales. She has been based in Wales since qualifying in 2007 although has clients throughout the UK and abroad. In 2016, Gemma was accredited as an Advanced Family Law Panel Member with the Law Society which recognises her expertise in domestic abuse and financial relief.

Gemma qualified as a family law solicitor in 2007, she joined Woolley & Co from a regional firm in Wales in August 2021.

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