In this interview with Sandie Martel of Be OK Therapy, the UK’s Alternative Divorce Guide Suzy Miller interviews her about the first of 3 key pieces of advice, taken from Sandie’s personal story to help you deal with your divorce in the best possible manner.
Divorce can be a very messy and devastating experience – so when dealing with divorce ……
Take Your Time!
The first thing you wish for when starting the process is a quick divorce, in the hope that it will help you start afresh sooner, so that you can finally leave the past where it belongs.
We all want that.
However, my advice to you is to take your time.
Why?
Simply because our state of mind constantly changes as time goes by and the divorce carries on. You are going to have to deal with lawyers, the stress your children are going through, pressure from your job, your ex maybe and your new life.
To start with, you really wish to be done with this extremely stressful and painful process. You are even ready to leave the financial side behind and do exactly as your ex wishes.
I know you want to keep a good relationship with your ex. But you can still do so while actually taking the time to consider all your options and think about the future, your future. Even more so if you have children.
I personally did not want to hear about the financial implications at the start of the process, but as time went by, I realised how difficult life on my own with 2 kids was, and I had to think about my kids first.
When you are dealing with divorce, it’s not about having the quickest divorce. It is not a competition, it is not a game.
It is better to listen carefully to what your lawyer and financial adviser have to say, however you don’t have to do exactly as told obviously.
But trust me, if you don’t consider the finances, you might end up regretting your decisions and chances are it will have a huge impact on your life, your childrens’ life and your future relationship with your ex.
Think about it.”
Look out for part 2 of Dealing with Divorce tomorrow!
Suzy Miller is the creator of Divorce in a Box and Divorce First Aid Kit, The Alternative Divorce Guide
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If you’ve ever wondered what the true cost of divorce is and what it entails both on a personal level as well as on a national level, then here’s an infographic by Sarah Scott that may help clear this up for you.
Cost of Divorce
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Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce
Divorce is a transition which means a change in many aspects of life. One of these areas is relationships, particularly with friendships.
Divorce is a time to reevaluate these friendships to see if they are still beneficial or have run their course.
Pals that have stuck by you through thick and thin may no longer be as supportive and it is better to not be taken by surprise. If someone is really your friend they will stick around. If they do not, is that a person you really want in your life?
Divorce gets rid of these dead branches and allows new growth (friendships) to appear.
Miranda met someone in her women’s group and they clicked right away. They became close friends and had frequent lunches together.
Carolyn was right there when Miranda had two miscarriages and they later got to know each other’s children. Once in a while their husbands attended birthday and holiday parties. Miranda confided about her stressful marriage and eventual divorce proceedings. Miranda also shared with Carolyn, recently revealed abuse that prevented overnight visitation. She was shocked and her sons upset when Carolyn stated several times that she loved both Miranda and her ex and would support them both.
In abuse situations, this is not a helpful thing to say to children in therapy or to a longtime friend. Carolyn refused to take sides and that friendship withered away.
People whom you assumed were close, may choose to side with your former partner. Grieve for this loss in your life and then move on.
My ex is Narcissistic and told tales about me in our divorce. I lost some friends due to being portrayed as the villain in this drama. Eventually I felt grateful to the Narcissist for showing me that these people are not worthy of my time or energy.
Another person who has been a mere acquaintance may surprise you and become a good friend. A divorced acquaintance is now a pal and we sometimes compare notes about our former husbands’ annoying antics.
I feel the understanding and validation from her that I do not receive from my marvellous married chums. I became closer to some mothers at my child’s school who were recently divorced and gave me stellar advice. We called ourselves members of The First Wives’ Club.
Friends may distance themselves from you because they do not want to get involved or know what to say. Mutual friends of you both may fall into this category. Be pleasant when you run into them, but do not suggest going to the pub or out to tea if they seem a bit awkward.
What to do about mutual friends who invite you both to social events?
Miranda asked Carolyn if she had also invited her ex to a holiday party, explaining that she and the boys would then be unable to attend. Miranda would never tell anyone who should be on the guest list, but this was a matter of answering an RSVP question. When Carolyn’s answer was vague, Miranda politely declined this and future invitations until they were no longer issued.
In many cases former spouses can be civil to each other when no abuse or infidelity occurred, and others in their sphere are comfortable around them. A former boss on friendly terms with his ex, enjoys seeing her at functions and they catch up with each other’s news.
Friendship is a two way street. If you feel drained or that you are tip toeing around, then something is not right.
Beware of energy vampires who seem to suck the life right out of you.
I had a longtime friend who was also godmother to my youngest son. She was divorced and became fixated upon mine, wanting a lot of details. My sons would ask her to talk about something else.
During my divorce, I had trouble getting a house mortgage and was under extreme stress. This friend disappeared for a few months until I ran into her and asked what had happened. She said that I had snapped at her on the phone (right before moving day) and no one had done that to her before.
It was just about her and nothing about my anxiety. I most likely snapped at anyone who crossed my path, but everyone else gave me some leeway. A year later she dropped out of our lives permanently for no apparent reason. When these friends disappear it can be hard on your children.
Friendships are not static and change regardless of situations. Value the ones that stay in your life and you will meet others in serendipitous ways.
About Wendi
Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).
Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.
She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.
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Do you want to know what you can expect when moving house after a divorce?
Organise your House
Divorce Magazine spoke to Ingrid Jansen, professional organiser and founder of Organise Your House, for advice.
You and your ex-partner have finalised the divorce and the house where you both lived and which you both owned has been sold. The exchange of keys will be in a couple of weeks and you both need to get your stuff out of the house before the end of that month. You both suddenly realise how much needs doing.
Here are Ingrid’s top tips of what to do:
1: It should be very clear which items should be left in the house for the new owners. Have you agreed to leave curtains, light fittings, washing machine or kitchen equipment? Have a list so you both know which things can’t be taken by either of you.
2: Realise that moving always takes longer than you think. Don’t show up a day before the exchange and get into total panic about all the work that needs doing. Organise a man with a van, a removal company or family to help you well before the exchange date. Then if you do get behind on your schedule you have time left to organise yourself.
3: Agree with your partner in advance what happens with the items you both don’t want anymore. Can one of you take it all or do you need a clearance company to take care of it? Maybe one of you gets their belongings first and leaves the rest for the other to sort out. Negotiate in advance what will work for both of you.
4: Make a decision about what will happen with post that comes in after you’ve moved. You can’t expect the new owners to forward post to 2 different addresses unless you have agreed this with them in advance. You can leave 2 sheets of stickers behind. 1 sheet with your address and the other sheet with your ex-partners new address. If you’re both still getting on reasonably you can decide to have one of you receive all forwarded post and take care of it.
5: Be prepared you might be emotional on the last day you leave the house where you and your ex-partner have lived. Maybe your parents or your best friend can be there for moral support! Ask for help from your nearest and dearest. You don’t have to do this all alone!
Need some help? Get in the professional
If you find the whole process of de-cluttering and organising too daunting and would like an extra pair of hands to help you, please contact Ingrid Jansen of Organise Your House (www.organise-your-house.co.uk or call 078-65465100). She’s a de-clutter expert and has been helping her clients get organised for years.
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Austin Chessell
Family Solicitor and Mediator at Shortands Solicitors
Family Solicitor and Mediator at Shortands Solicitors
1. How mediation has helped couples;
2. When the mediation process has encountered difficulties;
3. Were those difficulties in mediation terminal or were they overcome in some way?;
4. The client’s relationship with the mediator.
How family mediation has helped couples
“Co – mediation’’ – Case example 1.
A lot of couples attending family mediation like to have two mediators in the room giving a gender balance. From the start the mediation sessions may have a lot of tension in the room and arguments following on from when the relationship ended. It’s really important that your mediators or at least one of them is very good at dispelling any tension in the room.
We aim to focus the clients’ attention on the issues they have raised in the intake sessions whether they are children, financial or miscellaneous issues pertaining to their family situation. Some of the benefits of using family mediation include:
- Resolving family disputes outside of court and through mediation is less adversarial.
- Being in a less informal environment than a court room gives clients the opportunity to make informed decisions themselves.
- If an order is made at court by the Judge there is a possibility that neither party may like the decision.
“Shuttle mediation’’– Case example 2.
When clients cannot bear to mediate in the same room together as in co-mediation, another form of mediation, shuttle mediation, can then be used. This is where each party is in a different room and the mediator(s) go from room to room working through each issue in turn.
Massy, my co-mediator and I did a co-mediation where there were court proceedings ongoing. The mother was seeking a name change while the father was seeking more contact with two young children. There had been several court hearings before the parties came to mediation. The mother was paying out thousands of pounds for representation at each hearing. The father was representing himself but did not like the adversarial nature of being in court. At the intake session both parties struggled to be civil towards each other so the first joint session was done as shuttle mediation as were joint sessions 2-3.
A final agreement on the name change and contact was reached in the 4th session but to our pleasant surprise both parties wanted the final mediation to take place in the same room.
Both parents had realised that after mediation had ended that both would still need to liaise with each other to arrange contact whether this was on the phone or by email and that even at their children’s wedding they are going to need to get along. The mediation process encouraged the parties to communicate effectively.
“International Mediation’’– Case example 3.
I received an email from a father who was about to relocate with work in Japan.
The mother and father were not married and the child was 6 months old. The father was paying child maintenance which in the mother’s opinion was not enough. The mother was disappointed that the father was not playing an active role in the child’s life while the father was not happy with the fact that no contact arrangements had been made. Both clients were very reasonable and willing to compromise but they felt they needed an impartial third person present to work through when the father could have contact with the child for the four times he was due to return to London each year.
The mother explained what her monthly outgoings were and that even though the father was paying the suggested 15% of his net income for the one child there was a shortfall. When the father could see the figures of the mother’s monthly outgoings compared to what he was paying as child maintenance which I put on a flipchart the father changed his stance. The father immediately agreed to increase the child maintenance and would update the standing order immediately. I explained it is good if maintenance can be agreed informally.
Parties can approach the CSA if one parent does not want to pay child maintenance, but in future there will be an administration charge for both parties which can be avoided if child maintenance is agreed informally through mediation.
Time Saved–Cases generally.
Contact, residence and financial issues can be dealt with through the courts but if these matters go to court for final hearings it could take potentially several years to get a conclusion. In my experience if both parties have mediation sessions regularly and both parties are willing to be flexible about what they seek, mediation agreements can be made in a much shorter time frame. If there are children and financial issues there tend to be 3-5 joint sessions. If it is just child or financial issues then there are around 2-3 joint issues. Joint sessions last for 90 minutes. Intake sessions last for around an hour.
When the mediation process has encountered real difficulties
Child Abduction – Case example 4.
In an intake session it was clear that both parties before they separated were in very high conflict.
The mother had also raised issues that the extended family for the father were making life too difficult for her. Despite this both parties initially wanted to mediate.
The father was having limited contact at a car park or by lifts inside a flat for 15 minutes every alternate weekend. The mother wanted to return to Pakistan with the child while the father wanted to prevent this.
In the first joint session it was agreed that the future contact sessions would take place in a more appropriate venue and that contact would be for longer duration. However, after the first session mediation stopped as both parties could still not trust each other over the child abduction aspect and passport issues were then raised. It was agreed that both parties would return to their solicitors and go to court. In most cases we reach full agreement on all of the issues raised but sometimes it may be that agreement is reached on say 6 out of 8 issues and the remaining issues are dealt with through the court.
Financial Disclosure – Cases generally.
In mediation some parties want to use the process to decide how the financial assets accumulated from the marriage or cohabitation will be divided. After the intake session we give both parties a financial form to complete which details all of the assets and debts along with current and future projected income and outgoings. Generally both parties understand and cooperate to give full and frank disclosure before discussing settlement options. However, where one party is convinced that the other party is not disclosing substantial assets the mediation process cannot go any further and it may be that the clients have to use the court process to reach a conclusion.
Delay – Cases generally.
Most couples come to mediation wanting to reach a quick solution to their issues. However, some people have approached us to use the process as a delaying mechanism. In these circumstances mediation would not be suitable, particularly in cases where one parent has not been having contact with their children for a long period of time.
In mediation cases where difficulties came about were the difficulties terminal or were the difficulties overcome in some way?
Contact – Case example 5.
One couple approached me as a contact order had been prepared at court but it was not defined as to how the weekend contacts and holiday contacts should be structured.
The court order provided that contact should be shared on an equal contact basis. We looked at the work schedule and commitments of both parents and the children. It was difficult for weekends and holiday contacts to be divided equally. It was possible but as the contact would mean a lot of travelling for the children on a Sunday night it was agreed that practically this would not be in the children’s best interests as they would turn up for nursery and school on a Monday morning exhausted.
For the current year 2011-2012 the contact the father missed out on at weekends was increased during the holidays. We also discussed finances in mediation. It was agreed that the father would look to relocate closer to the mother within the next year so that for the following year 2012 – 2013 weekend and holiday contact could be done on a shared basis.
Men often report that they feel they are being judged by yet another female in mediation. Do you have any advice?
As mediators we are trained to be impartial whether clients are male or female. As a mediator I am not there to judge the father or the mother but am there solely to help reach an agreement in terms of children contact, residence or how to divide the financial assets from marriage or cohabitation and any other issues such as relocation which is happening a lot more in this day and age.
We do not have telephone conversations with the clients in between mediation sessions to avoid being seen as biased or judging towards one party.
I think that the mediation intake sessions are very important. It is an opportunity for both clients to assess the mediator to see if they feel they can work together. In some cases the clients are going to see the mediator for around 6 sessions in total so they need to be comfortable with the mediator.
It is also worth remembering that mediation is a voluntary process so if clients feel that they are not making real progress then they may have to consider other options to resolve their issues.
Austin Chessell is a family mediator at FAMIA (www.famia.co.uk) which covers Inner and Greater London. Austin is also a family solicitor at Shortlands Solicitors (www.shortlands.co.uk) at Hammersmith, London.
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Collaborative law is where the couple come together with their own collaborative lawyer and discuss matters fact to face. There are no letters sent. Each client instructs their own collaborative lawyer and they, the clients and the solicitors sign an agreement not to make an application to court. If no agreement is reached in the meetings then new lawyers must be instructed if the matter is to go to court.
Austin Chessell
Family Solicitor and Mediator at Shortands Solicitors
When I started working in Family Law in 2005 I would regularly go to court four to five times a week. I thought that there must be a better way to achieve family outcomes as a lot of the clients who obtained a court order were not happy with the order and wanted to return to court to appeal the decision sometimes.
I trained as a Family Mediator in 2009 and as a Collaborative Family Solicitor in 2013 and have to say that the majority of clients I act for today go through the Collaborative Law or Family Mediation process and tend to be more satisfied with these outcomes than they would be if they had gone through the court system. The main reason for this is that during the whole process, they make their own decisions as in which way to go rather than have a court decision imposed upon them.
You need to choose the right process for you but if you want an outcome that focuses on interests rather than fixed positions you may want to use Collaborative Law or Family Mediation.
Clients consult Collaborative Solicitors for legal advice and solutions to their legal problems but when there exists issues outside the legal framework and where a specialist is required then they, the specialist, can become part of the four way meetings between the two clients and the two collaborative solicitors. An order can be prepared if an agreement is then reached in the final sessions.
Involving other professionals does not have to mean costs will escalate. If the other professional can tackle the problem and solve it, it can often mean that matters can be resolved quicker and more amicably. For instance:
- Couple Therapists: it may be the case that you are looking to make the marriage work. In the event that meetings with the couple therapist do not work then the door is always open to return to Collaborative Law.
Family Consultants: they can work either one on one or with both clients. It may be that you want to explore how the co-parenting will work during the Collaborative process and as well as after the separation. Family Consultants can also help explore any hopes and anxieties you may have during the Collaborative and post Collaborative process.
- Child Specialists. it is important that the voice of the child be heard about how childcare arrangements will work. Some mediators do further training so that they can meet with the child (Direct Consultation With Children) where both parents consent to this and it can be very useful in providing details of what the children want the parents to know to help shape current and future childcare arrangements and how holiday childcare arrangements will work.
- Independent Financial Advisors. If the financial settlement is to provide a lump sum it may be useful to consult an Independent Financial Advisor to discuss investments or if the main asset is the pension to discuss how pension planning will work.
- Accountants. I have worked with accountants in the past where it has been necessary to value business assets during a divorce. The valuations can provide accurate and useful information to the clients when discussing settlement options.
Working with Collaborative professionals can be done at a timescale that works for you rather than having to follow a court timetable as Collaborative Law meetings take place outside of court.
It can take time to have to prepare a joint letter of instruction through solicitors if you are not using the Collaborative process while any instructions for the experts in Collaborative Law can be discussed in an open forum during the four-five way meetings.
If you want to know more about Collaborative Law you should speak to a trained Collaborative Family Solicitor.
Austin Chessell is a Family Mediator who is also trained to mediate with Children. He is also a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Shortlands Solicitors
Email: achessell@shortlands.co.uk
Telephone: 0207 629 9905
Twitter: @FamilyLawLondon
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Youth Coach
As a coach that works with teenagers and being a child of divorced parents when I was 16, having been parented through a divorce and listening to what my clients tell me, I have a few suggestions of some hotspots to avoid:-
- Don’t use your children as messengers, its fine to say give Mum or Dad a call, don’t expect them to relay messages on your behalf, it’s not fair on them.
- Be careful not to worry them with adult issues, they are best dealt with by adults, you don’t want your children worrying about things that they can’t do anything about.
- Lead by example – Your examples become permanent images, which will shape their attitudes and actions for the rest of their life. It’s important to be responsible, consistent and loving with your teenager. This also holds true for the relationship you have with your spouse, ex spouse, your parents, and other family members and friends that are also a part of your teenager’s life.
- Own up to mistakes when you make them, and communicate open and honestly with all family members.
- Find a relationship with your ex- spouse that works for you both. Let your teenager see you communicate in a positive and healthy manner with one another.
- Parents should agree on how to discipline their children. To become reliable to children, both parents must be consistent in dealing with similar situations. In a situation where the parents are separated or divorced, disagreeing with each other over upbringing can create a confusing situation for children. They should make a concerted effort to keep their child’s best interests at heart and sit down with their child and line out the rules and expectations and the consequences for violating those rules. Both should agree that the intended discipline is fair, and apply it consistently in a firm yet fair manner in each home.
- On access days, encourage them to chat about the day they have had, if a new partner’s name is brought up, don’t start putting them down or bad mouthing them, it may make your children feel guilty if they enjoyed their day. And while we are on access days, – don’t just suddenly expect your children to spend a whole day together if they only spend a couple of hours of week before the split, too much pressure for both sides. When deciding time spent with each parent why not ask your children first and then speak to your ex-spouse and then make mutually acceptable arrangements, be careful not to say things like “it needs to be a full day otherwise I will be travelling for longer than you are there”, maybe they don’t want to be there for a whole day?
- If you feel that perhaps you may need some emotional support do some research and make some phone calls for perhaps some counselling, some support on parenting strategies for the future, or some family mediation.
Liz Storton on Parenting Teenagers
Youth coach
Liz provides one-to-one Skype, phone and face-to-face coaching (by arrangement in London only). A complimentary strategy session is always available for parents to find out more about what coaching is about and how it may help their personal situation.
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Do not fall into the trap of self-medicating to alleviate the emotional pain of divorce.
It does not eliminate the past; it just postpones it in a destructive way. it does not allow you to clearly and deeply process and release these emotions. Taking illicit drugs, alcohol or too much prescription medication is detrimental to your body, spirit and those around you.
Cathy was happily married, with a young daughter, and building a dream house with her husband. They regularly entertained, rode horses, did community service and had a great life.
Cathy had overcome a drinking problem in the past and was a fragile person who felt life’s blows acutely. Her husband took some business trips out of state and met a married woman in his line of work. This woman previously had an affair and then divorced her husband to marry her lover. Cathy received a phone call from the other woman’s husband when their spouses were having an affair. Cathy could not cope and began a downward spiral with alcohol.
Cathy’s husband divorced her and married another woman, who moved into the dream house. The couple deviously campaigned to obtain full custody of the daughter and were successful, partly due to Cathy’s increased drinking.
Cathy’s parents helped tremendously, but still, she had a breakdown and was put on medication. This drama continued, culminating when the new wife refused to let the daughter call her mother on Mother’s Day. By now the daughter was older and possibly could have called her mother surreptitiously.
A few days later, Cathy took an unintentional overdose of prescription medication, compounded by alcohol, and died.
Enjoying a margarita with the girls, or having a glass of wine while watching a chick flick, is not self-medication. Drinking because one cannot deal with the pain of life’s problems. Be careful to take prescription medication only as directed and do not mix it with alcohol…
…It is not worth giving your husband ammunition in a custody battle, by drinking or taking drugs. You do not know when a surprise drug test may be ordered by the court if there are rumours of usage. You are teaching your children a crucial life skill when you constructively deal with your problems.
ABOUT WENDI
Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).
Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.
She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.
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When earlier this year, the newspapers were full of the Vicky Price story, the worst moments of my marriage came back to hunt me.
Marital coercion and mental pressure were examined, explained, and laughed at and again she was not believed. There was no blood and scars to prove her case.
And then I left and felt lightheaded. What an achievement! My own little home. My keys, my front door. Not many friends, they all sided with him or didn’t want to know. Other people’s failures are always difficult to cope with.
But for the internet there for a time I had loads of online friends from all over the world.
Women who cheered and supported me and men who supported me by listening to me and said I can hear what you are trying to say. They never took sides or condemned they recognised some part of my experience as their own.
And through the blessed internet, I did things I shouldn’t have done but enjoyed doing, drank wine, and had sex with strangers whose names I didn’t need to know. Always laying down my rule, this is a fuck and not more.
A long-term relationship is still an impossibility after five years. But men seem to want to commit to saving on the rent and to have somebody to make tea for. I am 51 and men I meet or talk to are around that age. They are passed their prime and need support and encouragement. Exhausting work.
The children were very confused about the separation as we never talked about it before. One day I said I move out on the 2nd of December, got the removal sorted but no place to move to. The oldest was at university by then and the youngest was very relieved when I asked her to come with me to choose a place to move to.
There were no shouting matches, no infighting but something was never right, something was missing. Never a lot of affection or physical display of unity, no sitting down to make decisions about outings or holidays. I would suggest something to do and that usually would get vetoed or my plan was mocked or just ignored.
Then I stopped making suggestions, I stopped talking altogether as soon as he walked in the door, the big silence. We were a joyful supportive happy lot most of the time and then the key was in the door and everybody would go hide in their shells.
I spent a lot of evenings in my studio or would occupy the evenings outside the house as much as possible. Till the time… we had to go back, crawl back to the time before language was invented or we just had forgotten how to talk.
The three of us had, have difficulties talking about the separation.
I still haven’t spoken to my daughter about it. I still have not said a bad word to her about her dad or explained why I left. She accepts the situation but somehow I know she doesn’t want to get pulled into a discussion that is beyond her and in which she was always just a passive participant. But we get on well. She is a young adult we talk about a lot of things and maybe we’ll find the strength to talk about that as well. These are our last few months of cohabiting before she is off to a flatshare and I will be moving into my own space.
With her I take it as it comes, go with the flow. With her brother, I can be more spontaneous. He is more critical of his dad, I wouldn’t say he sides with me but he tries to give both sides space and knows that there is no common ground between his parents. He accepts the situation. He has always seen me leaving as a positive step for the whole family. Something that somebody had to do and he said early on why didn’t you leave sooner.
The post-separation and then quick divorce have started a quest to set roots and find my compass. After thirty-two months in my little house, I left London to move to the seaside but now after nearly thirty-two months down here, I am planning on moving back or maybe somewhere else. I lost touch with my birth family. If I don’t make the effort, they don’t either.
When you leave something as fundamental as a marriage you leave more than just a husband, you split families at all level, you question society’s fundament based on the union of two people, to procreate and keep the peace. You twist society and its expectations on its head.
I said recently that the last five years have been the happiest of my life. Is it maturity, is it accepting life as it is, just letting life flow over me? But without that big break, I wouldn’t be here where I am now. I would be in an awful place and with the children gone on their own path.
I will always remember the last Sunday before the move most boxes were boxed. Son had come down for the week end and we sat down for Sunday lunch the four together. We talked and laughed and for a minute there it was nice and how it should have been all along, maybe.
Was I running away or towards? It was a leap in the unknown. I am glad no third party was involved. I left because I was dying and my son going to university brought to light that, the possibility of ending all that misery and unhappiness that is called marriage.
The three of us would have had a great time if I’d left earlier. It would have been difficult but in a positive way. I don’t regret staying on as the marriage had been dead for years but as a family, we somehow functioned.
The roots are in me. Where I stand I am rooted, where I put my head down to sleep is my home.
I lift my arms towards the sky and I stand tall. Still analysing some of the events of the last 50 years. But no longer beating myself why did you leave? Who my parents, my husband, my home. What is home? Why did you leave it so late? Late? It’s never too late, you have to do things at the right time, for you and if there are children involved you have to do it at the right time for them too.
I look at my naked body in the mirror and like what I see, most mornings anyway. I am at peace with myself. The world is my oyster. My expected grandchild is my roots and my compass, helping me to welcome the basic links between what was, what is and what shall be.
Authored by “Annette”, who would like to remain anonymous
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