dealing with divorce - Page 5

Mental health first aid after a break up
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Mental Health First Aid After A Breakup

Published on
Noel McDermott
Noel McDermott
Founder
Mental Health Works Ltd

‘Mental health first aid’ is a term that is most often used in workplaces and it’s also a form of training you can take: like all first aid it is about recognising signs that someone needs help, stabilising if any immediate risk involved and getting professional support to the person as soon as possible. In the context of a breakup, it’s likely that a friend or indeed a colleague at work of the identified patient (you if you are going through the breakup) will be the first aider. It’s often difficult for the person affected to recognise they need help as a part of mental illness is lack of insight into being ill. So, the first step for anyone is to alert their network to the fact they are going through this. This can be difficult as you may be experiencing shame or embarrassment about the ending of the relationship and not want to talk about it, but it’s crucial to alert folk to your situation.

Thinking of the first aid analogy, going through a break can be seen as analogous to organising a major event where one of the first things you would do is ensure you have first aid, ambulances etc on standby as you know it’s much more likely for people to hurt themselves in these situations. A breakup is of the three major life transitions that can lead to what is known as transition shock. The others are:

  • Moving home
  • Changing job/change in economics
  • Changing intimate relationships

Depending on what the circumstances you are in, it maybe that a breakup involves a number of these transitions simultaneously. All of which is to say that just like medical attention, first aid is more likely to be at a public event, it is part of the risk planning, so you should be realistic that your psychological distress may move into mental health needs. So, the first tip is risk assessment and risk management just in case you need help alert others to what is happening.

If you have a previous history of mental health problems, you need to realistic about the higher risk of a relapse in the condition during the transition, whatever that condition such as anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorder etc, especially in this context as major life transitions produce significant stress reactions which are triggers of mental health problems. As part of your risk management, you may want to think about prophylactic interventions such as medication before you become symptomatic, or increasing your attendance at support groups if you are in recovery or restarting some evidence base therapy.

As a possible patient ensuring you engage in general good health and wellbeing practice is crucial. Start with the insights from Lifestyle Medicine ensuring you have the 4 corners of health and wellbeing in place:

  1. Exercise/active life.The single biggest health improvement you can make is to have regular exercise, ideally 3 times a week for 20 minutes, raising your heartbeat is what you want to aim for, anymore and that’s a bonus!
  2. Stress management.Relaxation and stress management are crucial to physical and psychological health. Stress is implicated in all major lifestyle illnesses and every manifestation of psychological distress. Learning to spot and reduce stress reactions is central to living a healthy life.
  3. Diet.Having a heathy balanced diet contributes massively to a healthy mind and body. Try to reduce processed foods, eat a mix of 80-20 vegetable and fruit to meat, control portion size and reduce sugar.
  4. Sleep.Good sleep hygiene is essential to healthy living. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture due to the psychological consequences of missing REM sleep cycles. So, practice good hygiene in your sleep habits; don’t drink alcohol or other stimulants at night, exercise, have a simple and regular bedtime routine, reduce blue screen activity at night and don’t use your phone in bed!

If you are the possible ‘first aider’ it’s important to feel confident in being a little nosier than you normally would. Don’t be afraid to ask your ‘patient’ about their symptoms, at worst you will get a grumpy response to leave them alone, but mostly you will get thanks for being solicitous. What are the types of symptoms that might indicate the need for signposting or referral to professional help?

  • major sleep disturbances
  • significant changes in outlook
  • significant changes in appetite or eating patterns
  • increase in alcohol use
  • dysregulation (anger aggression etc)
  • low mood
  • thoughts of being a failure and a burden on others
  • lack of concentration, stopping and forgetting tasks
  • emotional lability

Any one of them at low levels is to be expected, but it’s about poly symptom, intensity, and duration. If there are several at the same time and they hang around for more than a few days or if they are very intense it’s time to ring the alarm bell. So, what can you do?

  • Give your patient a good listening to. Learning to actively listen to someone without judgement is more often than not the most helpful thing you can do. Unburdening ourselves reduces our isolation and improves our mood, allowing us to make better real-world decisions to improve our circumstances.
  • Signpost and follow up. Know what the services are available in your setting. If you are work colleagues have a chat with your line manager and ask what EAP exists and how that can be accessed for example. If you are a friend, maybe scope out support groups and offer to chaperone? Maybe ask if you friend has talked to their GP?
  • Why don’t you get mental health first aid training?
  • If you have very serious immediate concerns for the safety of your friend/colleague or someone they care for, then contact emergency services who can intervene to take them to a place of safety for assessment and treatment if needed (for example of you ask them how they feel and they say they want to kill themselves and they have it planned out/methodology/timescale dial 999)

Mostly what we all need is to know someone has got our back and is willing to be a buddy in times of stress, and that doesn’t need loads of training, it just needs a big heart, open ears, and mostly closed mouths that murmur support.

About Noel McDermott

Mental health expert Noel McDermott is a psychotherapist and dramatherapist with over 30 years’ work within the health, social care, education, and criminal justice fields. His company Mental Health Works provides unique mental health services for the public and other organisations. Mental Health Works offers in situ health care and will source, identify and co-ordinate personalised teams to meet your needs – https://www.mentalhealthworks.net/

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How not to ‘hard launch’ your divorce
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How Not to ‘Hard Launch’ Your Divorce

Published on
Sarah Bunn
Sarah Bunn
Associate
Burgess Mee Family Law

In this digital age there is often a temptation to take to social media to record a landmark life event. Coupled with this, for many, there is also the desire to use social media to put the wrongs of the world to right – whether that is in relation to world politics or our personal lives.

In the context of divorce proceedings, from which financial and children proceedings can also follow, a solicitor’s headline advice is likely to be to avoid sharing information about one’s divorce on social media, or at least to err on the side of caution. We all remember Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s ‘conscious uncoupling’ campaign. However, without a PR team behind you, any possible benefits seem to pale in comparison to the possible pitfalls.

Social media may appear to provide useful guidance and tips about navigating the divorce process but often this “advice” or anecdotal evidence is incorrect and could even be harmful. All families are different, and it follows that all divorce experience is different.

As a starting point, parties involved in family court proceedings are expected to uphold confidentiality. This means not sharing details about the case to third parties (unless in specific circumstances, such as when speaking to a legal representative or experts in a case). It also means that a party must not share documents relating to their case with third parties, including their entire social media network. In the context of divorce proceedings, which is largely an online process where spouses can usually avoid ever stepping into a court room, this can easily be forgotten. In financial and children proceedings, whilst attendance at court is more likely, reminders are often necessary.

Divorce, Confidentiality & Social Media

A breach of confidentiality in relation to family proceedings can have a negative impact on one’s case. Judges will be far from impressed and may say so, and in more extreme cases, the individual who is in breach of confidentiality can face fines and/or even a term of imprisonment.

It is important to be aware that even if one maintains confidentiality about the proceedings themselves, derogatory posts on social media about your spouse/child’s other parent can be used as evidence in a case. For example, social media posts about what a terrible person your (soon-to-be former) spouse/partner is or criticism of their parenting styles are often screenshotted and exhibited to narrative statements in order to evidence the conduct and entrenched views of one party about another.  More often than not, this will negatively impact a judge’s perception of the person posting such information, as opposed to the ‘postee’.

It is important to remember that judges are human and that they have a fairly wide discretion within the law. If they take against a particular party, this could impact the final decision which may be unappealable so keep them onside if you can.

Family, Social Media & Divorce

During family proceedings, it is often advisable to avoid social media altogether as what may be construed as positive posts can be used in a negative context, for example, during children proceedings where a party posts a photo of their new partner having a fun day out with children. If the other parent did not know that the children had been spending time with a new partner, such photos may be used as an example of a lack of positive co-parenting and joint decision-making.

Divorce, Finances & Social Media

In financial proceedings, constant updates about new relationships and time spent at each other’s home can be used as evidence of one of the parties’ cohabitation, or intention to cohabit with their new partner or even that claims of financial straits are untrue; “Just look at that 5-star hotel/business class flight/new handbag!”. This may impact financial provision made upon divorce. Even screenshots of CVs and comments found on a spouse’s professional profile can be used as evidence in relation to income and earning capacity.

As an aside, divorcing spouses should also be made aware, at the start of a case, about the move towards transparency in the family court. This development brings in a presumption that approved media and legal bloggers may attend most hearings in the family court and that they may report what they see, hear, and read, although usually the reporting will be anonymised first. This change in the ‘private’ nature of proceedings may result in an inevitable loss of control by parties to keep the details of their case private and shielded from mainstream media, even if they uphold their side of the confidentiality bargain.

Whilst media outlets will not construe every case as a matter of public interest, and there are limits to what can be reported, if you have concerns about this, it is important to have a discussion with your solicitor about whether the media may be interested in your case, and what steps you can take to keep details of your case private.

Some helpful guides about confidentiality in family court proceedings can be found on the government website:

Read more articles from Burgess Mee.

About Sarah Bunn

Sarah Bunn is an Associate at Burgess Mee. She specialises in complex financial remedy and private children law cases. She also advises clients in relation to nuptial agreements and cohabitation disputes.

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Using Alcohol to Cope With Divorce and Life After Divorce
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Using Alcohol to Cope With Divorce and Life After Divorce

Published on
Lee Hawker
Lee Hawker
Clinical Director
The Cabin Chiang Mai

Divorce is a journey laden with emotional and spiritual challenges, impacting every aspect of wellbeing. The unravelling of a marriage brings forth grief, loss, and shattered expectations, resulting in profound emotional distress.

In the realm of emotional pain, divorce marks the loss of a significant relationship, triggering a mourning process akin to grief. It encompasses not only the end of a marriage but also the mourning of dreams, shared experiences, and future expectations.

The termination of a marriage can thrust one into an identity crisis, challenging their sense of self-worth and leading to feelings of rejection and inadequacy.

The divorce process introduces uncertainty, legal complexities, and changes in living arrangements, contributing to heightened stress and anxiety. Feelings of isolation often emerge, especially where social circles are transformed. Intense emotions, including anger and resentment, often surface during divorce, directed towards the former spouse, oneself, or the circumstances leading to the divorce.

The breakdown of trust in the previous marriage may cultivate a fear of entering new relationships, with concerns about potential repeated emotional pain or failure.

From a spiritual perspective, divorce can sever the connection to shared values and beliefs that formed the foundation of the marriage, leaving individuals spiritually disoriented. The emotional upheaval often prompts existential questions about beliefs, purpose, and the meaning of life, contributing to spiritual distress. The fundamental psychological need for connection and belonging is often disrupted by divorce, fostering feelings of isolation and a profound sense of loss. This impact on self-worth then becomes a crucial aspect of the individual’s psychological well-being.

Coping with the amalgamation of mental, emotional and spiritual pain involves seeking professional help, providing a safe space to explore and process the complexities. Therapists assist in navigating existential questions and rebuilding a sense of self.

It is important to address the mental and emotional impacts of divorce and recognising that the emotional and spiritual pain of divorce is a complex and individualised experience is crucial. Taking steps such as seeking professional support, fostering new connections, and engaging in practices that promote emotional and spiritual wellbeing are essential for healing and rebuilding a sense of connectedness. Undertaking some therapy during this difficult process can provide solace and support. Engaging in mindfulness practices can also foster a sense of presence and inner peace while connecting with one’s beliefs.

Joining support groups or communities with shared experiences also mitigates feelings of isolation and can provide a platform to discuss emotional spiritual concerns as well as receiving some guidance.

Why do people turn to alcohol as a coping mechanism?

People may turn to alcohol for several reasons, and the factors influencing this behaviour are complex. It can serve as a temporary escape, providing stress relief and emotional regulation. Social influence, cultural factors, genetic predisposition, self-medication for mental health issues, and a lack of healthy coping skills can all contribute to the adoption of alcohol as a coping mechanism.

The relationship between alcohol consumption and the avoidance of psychological and emotional pain is a complex and often detrimental coping mechanism. Individuals facing stressors, trauma, or emotional challenges may turn to alcohol as a means of escaping their difficulties temporarily.

One primary reason individuals turn to alcohol in the face of psychological and emotional pain is its role as a coping mechanism. Alcohol can temporarily alleviate feelings of anxiety, sadness, or stress, creating a sense of numbness that offers a brief respite from the intensity of emotional turmoil. This temporary relief may seem appealing, especially when individuals are grappling with challenging situations.

Genetic predispositions play a role in determining an individual’s susceptibility to alcohol use as a coping mechanism. Some people have a higher genetic risk for developing alcohol use disorders. Additionally, social and environmental factors contribute to alcohol use, especially for those surrounded by a culture or social circle where alcohol is readily available and seen as a coping mechanism.

Underlying mental health conditions, such as depression or anxiety, can contribute to the use of alcohol as a form of self-medication. The numbing effect of alcohol provides a temporary escape from the complexities of their emotional state.

While alcohol may offer temporary relief, relying on it as a primary mechanism of avoidance can lead to negative consequences. The relief provided by alcohol is short-lived, and the underlying psychological and emotional issues remain unaddressed, creating a cycle of dependence on alcohol to manage pain.

It’s worth noting that alcohol impairs cognitive function and judgment, leading to poor decision-making, impulsive behaviours, and a decreased ability to navigate challenges effectively. Excessive consumption can worsen symptoms of anxiety and depression, contributing to a decline in mental health.

Using alcohol to avoid emotional pain interferes with the natural healing process, preventing individuals from addressing and resolving underlying issues.

Excessive alcohol use can strain relationships with family and friends, further isolating individuals who may already be dealing with the social challenges of emotional pain. Identifying excessive drinking during a divorce involves observing signs such as increased frequency, neglect of responsibilities, changes in routine, physical and mood-related symptoms, and legal issues.

It’s essential to approach the situation with sensitivity and consider the overall impact on a person’s wellbeing, relationships, and daily functioning.

If an individual consistently consumes large amounts of alcohol than usual, experiences disruptions in daily routines, neglects responsibilities, displays mood swings, or exhibits physical signs of excessive drinking, these could be indicators of problematic alcohol use.

Occasional increased alcohol consumption might not necessarily indicate a problem. Open communication and support are essential when addressing concerns.

I would advise against using alcohol as a primary coping mechanism during divorce. I would strongly discourage the use of alcohol in overcoming the pain caused by divorce due to its temporary relief, the risk of dependence, the impaired judgment it causes and all the associated negative impacts on mental health. All of these interfere with and hamper the healing process.

Coping strategies for a healthier divorce process include therapy and counselling for emotional support, mindfulness and meditation to manage stress, regular exercise to reduce stress and improve mood, prioritising a healthy lifestyle, establishing stable routines, engaging in enjoyable activities, maintaining social connections, using journaling as a therapeutic outlet, seeking legal and financial support, and setting clear boundaries around alcohol consumption.

While alcohol may provide a temporary escape from psychological and emotional pain, it is not an effective or healthy long-term solution. Address the root causes of their pain and building healthier ways of dealing with life’s challenges is always better than avoidance. Recognising the potential pitfalls of relying on alcohol for avoidance is a vital step towards fostering genuine emotional wellbeing.

Facing the emotional, psychological and spiritual challenges of divorce requires a holistic approach, emphasising healthy coping strategies rather than a reliance on alcohol or other forms of substances. I fundamentally believe that seeking support from friends, family, and professionals is essential for long-term wellbeing during what is for many one of the most challenging periods of their life.

More articles about alcohol and divorce.

About Lee Hawker

Lee Hawker is the Clinical Director at The Cabin Chiang Mai.

He is a Registered Member of the British Psychological Society. He graduated from Anglia Ruskin University in the UK with a degree in Behavioural Science and a postgraduate clinical focus on addictions from the University of Bath. Lee is a focused and ambitious individual who has in-depth training and experience in a broad range of clinical psychological interventions in the treatment of addiction, dual diagnosis, and complex trauma.

Having worked in the field of addiction for over twenty years, Lee has experience having assessed and treated many clients and families presenting with substance misuse and chemical dependency along with managing and treating trauma. Lee heads the clinical programme for The Cabin and shapes the treatment plan bespoke to individual client needs; so that focused treatment is delivered to address specific individual needs – and thus providing for higher treatment quality that is measurable and progress that is observable to both client and clinician.

Lee’s passion is to provide the best possible clinical quality and experience to ensure that clients have an opportunity to achieve lifelong recovery and are able to be a beacon to others in their lives.

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Finding Empathy For Your Ex After Divorce - Yes, it’s possible.
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Finding Empathy for your Ex After Divorce – Yes, It’s Possible.

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

Divorce brings out the ugliness in us.

No matter how hard we try not to let that happen, it’s inevitable.

One of the hardest things to do when going through a divorce is to find empathy for the person who is bringing up pain within us that is so strong, we barely recognise ourselves anymore.

As humans, we find it difficult to shift our lens from the one we view the world through to someone else’s. This is because we experience the world through an egocentric bias.

An egocentric bias causes people to rely too heavily on their own point of view when they look at the events in their life or try to see things from other people’s perspectives.

A good example of this is the frustration we feel if someone cuts us off when we’re driving. We don’t stop and think that maybe they’re desperate for a job and are running late for an interview. We just assume that they are arrogant assholes.

It’s worth challenging your egocentric bias during divorce because it can bring you peace and make the situation more amicable in the long run.

If you have children, this will directly benefit their emotional well-being. Try doing it for them if not for anyone else.

It feels impossible at first

In the very first stages of my separation, I found so many ways to blame my ex for what was happening to us and justify some of how I was behaving.

Looking back now, I know that I was in survival mode. It was a form of denial that kept me safe from the immeasurable hurt and shock that I was in.

Our bodies are in constant fight or flight mode when a significant relationship ends.

When you add children into the mix, the tension is even worse. You’re trying so hard to suppress the rage, anger and grief that sometimes wants to explode out of you in order to protect your kids.

Six months after our trial separation, my ex and I attempted to reconcile for the sake of our children. Neither of us was coping with our fears of an unknown future, playing on a constant loop in our heads.

During this time, I suffered a collapsed disc in my neck out of nowhere and could not get out of bed for an entire week.

This is a clear-cut example of how much strain we are under when we are trying not to let the most crippling of emotions get the better of us.

It’s the human condition to only think of our own pain and suffering when we’re going through trauma. Especially when we attribute that pain and trauma to someone else’s actions.

Even though it sounds crazy to be able to find empathy for someone else at this time, I want to try and open your mind a little to why this is important for your own emotional state and how you can reframe your thinking to be able to get there if it’s something you believe wouldn’t be possible for you.

Small disclaimer: Some people are emotionally abusive or have personality disorders. These people lack the ability to find empathy or see things from another’s perspective.

For the purpose of what I’m going to share today, I’m assuming that both you and your ex are capable of feeling empathy for each other.

Comparing the start to the end.

Can you remember the first few months of meeting your ex?

How did it feel?

What qualities did you see in them?

Something drew you to them and made you decide that you could spend the rest of your life with this person.

That’s a huge call.

Although it can be painful to do this, it’s helpful to cast your mind back and think of the good things you saw. And the caring things that you did for each other.

Now compare it to how you treated each other at the end of your marriage.

Very different, am I right?

People in extreme pain and grief act out in ways they didn’t think were possible.

If you’re being honest with yourself, I’m sure you can think of some things you said or did in the last stages of your marriage that were not your finest moments.

The first step in finding empathy for someone else is to take ownership and forgive ourselves for mistakes we may have made. It’s challenging to look at another person’s struggles when we haven’t done a sincere inventory of our part in the situation.

Forgiving the unforgivable

Sometimes there has been infidelity. Does this give you a licence to always be angry at your ex and never forgive?

Sure, if you want to stay stuck in pain and negativity.

If you’ve experienced infidelity, I want to share this quote by Esther Perel, a renowned psychotherapist known for her work on relationships and cheating.

“People cheat on each other in a hundred different ways: indifference, emotional neglect, contempt, lack of respect, years of refusal of intimacy. Cheating doesn’t begin to describe the ways that people let each other down.” – Esther Perel.

Even if you consider yourself to be a caring and supportive partner throughout the marriage, think of what emptiness had to have been inside your ex to feel they needed the validation or adrenaline rush of trying to seek attention outside of the relationship.

I will even challenge you one step further. Imagine the deep shame and failure your ex now has to work through, knowing that the actions they chose hurt someone else to the core.

Are you able to find empathy for someone going through that?

The above point is not to excuse infidelity. In a perfect world, your partner would come to you and explain what they weren’t getting from you before they resorted to finding it somewhere else, but the world is not perfect.

The point is this. No matter what caused the breakdown of your relationship, we are all imperfect and will all make mistakes.

Once we can begin to step outside of our own pain, we can start to see that our exes are going through their own life journeys.

Profound loss

Consider everything you are grieving the loss of after divorce;

  • family dynamics
  • mutual friendships
  • daily contact with your children
  • a life partner
  • plans for the later part of your life
  • in some cases, a home.

Your ex has also lost those things.

I doubt any parent could look at their kids going through a divorce and not feel extreme sadness. There will always be grief for your children’s pain after a divorce. Your ex is feeling this too.

Nobody gets married and dreamily pictures the day that they sign their divorce papers.

When we get married, we dream big. Your ex is having to let go of their dreams too.

You may be going through it on your own, but in so many ways, you are still going through something together.

You’re still a team

Fewer relationship dynamics are more challenging than that of co-parenting.

What other relationships have so many emotional and practical layers to them?

Although you are no longer the team in the way you used to be, you are still a team regardless. You have children to raise together, not as a couple but as two people who once loved each other and now have a new challenge ahead.

It doesn’t end when your kids leave school or child support payments end. You will both be there for your kids for the rest of your lives. Think graduations, relationships, breakups, and possibly, weddings and grandkids.

It’s worth everything it takes to be able to get to a place of being able to find peace within yourself about the way your relationship ended so that you can show up in your kids’ lives together without continuously having to dig deep to get through it.

Overcoming struggle

I understand all too well that this advice can be tough to get your head around when you’re in the first stages of divorce.

Often, people resist because they think they are letting their ex off the hook for unfair or unjust treatment.

As I often say, it’s not about your ex.

You’re letting yourself off the ‘emotional’ meat hook by being able to see the bigger picture of life’s twists, turns and inevitable challenges.

If you feel the need to blame or punish your ex for the way your marriage ended, ask yourself who is really suffering? Then ask yourself, who benefits if I am able to get to a place where I can give them some understanding for their own struggles?

Hint: It’s you and your kids.

Takeaway

Finding empathy for our exes is not something that comes naturally or easily for us when we are going through the gruelling journey of divorce and co-parenting.

Visualising your future as co-parents can be helpful when you get bogged down in day-to-day conflict with your ex.

If you struggle with this, you can reach out to a coach to help you work through feelings of animosity and reach for understanding when you feel pushed to your limits.

Ultimately, this is what is going to make the most positive difference to you and your kids’ lives as you move forward post-divorce.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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Tips For Settling an Amicable Divorce: Navigating With a Gentle Approach
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Tips For Settling an Amicable Divorce: Navigating With a Gentle Approach

Published on
Jennifer Bell
Jennifer Bell
Conflict Resolution Specialist

Going through a divorce can be an emotionally challenging time, but it doesn’t always have to be filled with conflict and animosity. When both parties approach the process with understanding and empathy, an amicable divorce can be achieved. In this article, we’ll explore some valuable tips to help individuals beginning or settling divorce proceedings navigate the path of separation with a gentle, happy, and clear approach. Remember, the support of a compassionate divorce attorney can make all the difference in ensuring a smooth and amicable divorce.

Communication is Key:

Open and honest communication is the foundation of an amicable divorce. Approach discussions with a willingness to listen and understand each other’s perspectives. Keep conversations respectful and focused on finding common ground, allowing you both to move forward positively.

One of the keys to successful communication during a divorce is active listening. When we truly listen to our partners, we validate their feelings and show them that their thoughts and emotions are important to us. It’s essential to set aside distractions during conversations and give each other undivided attention. Avoid interrupting, and instead, take turns expressing your thoughts and feelings. Remember that communication is a two-way street, and actively participating in the process can foster a sense of mutual understanding.

Choose the Right Divorce Attorney:

Selecting the right divorce attorney can significantly impact the tone and outcome of your divorce. Look for a lawyer who prioritises mediation and collaboration rather than confrontation. A compassionate divorce attorney can guide you through the process with care, emphasising mutual solutions and striving for an amicable resolution.

When searching for the right divorce attorney, consider seeking recommendations from friends or family who have been through similar experiences. Look for someone who has experience in handling amicable divorces and values the importance of maintaining a positive relationship between both parties. During your initial consultations, pay attention to their communication style and whether they actively listen to your concerns. Remember that a lawyer who understands the emotional aspects of divorce can provide valuable support and legal guidance.

Prioritise the Wellbeing of Children:

If children are involved, their well-being should always take precedence. Keep their best interests in mind and strive for a parenting plan that ensures a stable and nurturing environment. Co-parenting with mutual respect fosters a sense of security for the children during this transitional phase.

When discussing child custody arrangements, remember that consistency and stability are vital for children’s emotional well-being. Focus on creating a parenting plan that allows both parents to be actively involved in their children’s lives. Be flexible and considerate of each other’s schedules and commitments. If necessary, seek the help of a child specialist or family therapist to ensure the plan’s suitability for your children’s unique needs.

Practice Empathy and Understanding:

Divorce can bring up intense emotions, but try to approach the situation with empathy and understanding. Acknowledge your emotions and allow your partner to express theirs without judgment. Practising empathy can lead to more constructive conversations and pave the way for an amicable settlement.

Empathy involves putting ourselves in our partner’s shoes and trying to understand their feelings and perspectives. When conflicts arise, take a step back, and try to see the situation from their point of view. This approach can help de-escalate tense situations and foster a sense of mutual respect. By showing empathy, you can create a positive environment that encourages cooperation and compromise.

Consider Mediation:

Mediation can be an effective way to resolve disputes in a non-adversarial setting. A skilled mediator can help facilitate discussions and assist both parties in reaching agreements that work for everyone involved. Opting for mediation often reduces stress and legal expenses, making the process smoother for everyone.

During mediation, a neutral third party works with both spouses to identify common goals and explore potential solutions. Mediation sessions provide a safe space for open communication and creative problem-solving. This process allows couples to maintain control over decisions regarding their divorce rather than leaving them in the hands of a judge.

Be Willing to Compromise:

Compromise is essential in any amicable divorce. Focus on finding solutions that meet the needs of both parties, rather than trying to “win” every aspect of the settlement. Being flexible and willing to give and take can lead to a more harmonious resolution.

When discussing issues such as asset division or alimony, consider the bigger picture and the long-term benefits of compromise. Avoid getting fixated on small details that may not significantly impact your future. The willingness to compromise demonstrates a commitment to resolving conflicts peacefully, which can lay the foundation for a positive post-divorce relationship.

Protect Your Financial Interests:

Even in amicable divorces, it’s crucial to protect your financial interests. Be transparent about assets and debts, and work together to divide them fairly. Consulting with a financial advisor can provide additional clarity and ensure a stable financial future for both parties.

Before making any financial decisions, gather all relevant financial documents, including bank statements, tax returns, and investment accounts. With the guidance of a financial advisor, you can analyse your financial situation objectively and create a plan that aligns with your future goals. Additionally, consider updating beneficiaries on insurance policies and retirement accounts to reflect your new circumstances.

Take Time for Self-Care:

Divorce can be emotionally draining, so it’s essential to prioritise self-care. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation, such as spending time with supportive friends and family, pursuing hobbies, or seeking professional counselling if needed.

Self-care during divorce involves nurturing both your physical and emotional well-being. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient rest can contribute to better emotional resilience. Surround yourself with a support network of friends and loved ones who can provide emotional comfort and encouragement. Remember that seeking professional counselling can be beneficial, as it provides a safe space to process your feelings and emotions.

Keep the Future in Mind:

Focus on building a positive future for yourself post-divorce. Letting go of resentments and negative feelings can be challenging but is essential for personal growth. Concentrate on the opportunities ahead and the chance to start anew.

Instead of dwelling on the past, embrace the possibilities that lie ahead. Set new personal and professional goals, and take steps towards achieving them. Keep in mind that while divorce marks the end of one chapter, it also opens the door to new beginnings and opportunities for personal growth.

Celebrate Achievements:

As you progress through an amicable divorce, take time to celebrate the achievements you and your partner make along the way. Each step towards a fair settlement and a respectful separation is a milestone to be proud of.

Celebrate moments of compromise and successful communication. Recognise the efforts you and your partner put into maintaining a positive and respectful divorce process. Celebrating achievements, no matter how small they may seem, can reinforce the commitment to an amicable resolution.

Settling an amicable divorce requires a gentle and understanding approach, as well as a commitment to open communication and cooperation. By following these tips and seeking the guidance of a compassionate “divorce attorney,” you can navigate this challenging time with grace and positivity. Remember, putting the well-being of any children involved first and practising empathy can lead to a smoother transition and the chance for both parties to move forward with hope and happiness.

About Jennifer Bell

Jennifer Bell is a recent divorcee, conflict resolution specialist, and writer for divorce lawyers in the Philadelphia area.

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How to Manage a Divorce When One Partner Will not Consent to it? Can the Divorce Still Proceed?
Photo by Karolina Grabowska: https://www.pexels.com/photo/mother-scolding-teenage-daughter-using-phone-6957246/.

How to Manage a Divorce When One Partner Will not Consent to it? Can the Divorce Still Proceed?

Published on
Joanne McDonald
Joanne McDonald
Associate
Furley Page

When the process for divorce was overhauled in 2022 with the implementation of the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Act 2020, a major change was the removal of the ability of one person to “defend” a divorce, based on their view that the marriage had not broken down irretrievably.

Under the new procedure, even if the person receiving a divorce application (the “respondent”) does not want a divorce, the person who does want the divorce and made the application (the “applicant”) cannot be prevented from moving forward with it, save for in very limited circumstances. Consent and co-operation are no longer required to obtain a divorce.

Now the respondent can only dispute the proceedings based on technical issues, such as to challenge the jurisdiction of the court (which means that the person disputing the divorce doesn’t believe that the courts of England and Wales have the power to deal with the case and that it should be dealt with elsewhere), to argue about the validity of the marriage or civil partnership, or to assert that the marriage or civil partnership has already been legally ended.

When the divorce application has been served on the respondent (typically this means they have been sent the paperwork by email), they have 14 days to respond, or slightly longer if they live outside of England and Wales. A respondent can set out on this form an intention to dispute the divorce.

If a respondent wishes to dispute the proceedings, they must then send to the court an “answer” on form D8B saying exactly why they dispute the proceedings. This must be sent to the court within 21 days from the date on which their acknowledgement of service was due. At the time of writing, an “answer” cannot be filed via the online portal, so must be sent to the Court on paper.

Upon receiving an “answer” from the respondent, the court will, within 21 days, arrange a hearing for the judge to set out what further evidence is required to enable a decision to be made about whether the divorce can proceed. Once the court has that evidence, a further hearing will take place and unless an exemption applies, it will do so in open court, which means the hearing is open to the public and press to attend.

Given the limited circumstances in which a divorce can be disputed now,  that situation is rare so specialist legal advice should be obtained.

More common than disputed proceedings are those in which a respondent simply fails to acknowledgement service of the divorce application on time, which can lead to a delay in progress. If a respondent does this, an application can be made by the applicant to “deem service”. The effect is that the Court will confirm it is satisfied that the respondent has received the divorce application and the applicant will then be able to progress the divorce without any involvement by the respondent.

Read more articles by Joanne McDonald.

About Joanne McDonald

Joanne joined the Family law team at Furley Page as an Associate in October 2021.  Joanne is a member of Resolution for Family Law and adheres to a Code of Practice promoting a constructive approach to the resolution of family matters.

Joanne has always had a passion for family law and demonstrates this through her commitment to clients. She understands that the breakdown of a relationship can be distressing and strives to ensure that clients feel supported through the process. As well as relationship breakdown, Joanne advises clients prior to marriage in respect of nuptial agreements and clients who are making the decision to cohabit with a partner and want to ensure clarity of future arrangements.

Contact Joanne McDonald, Associate Solicitor in Furley Page’s family law team on 01634 828277 or email JLM@furleypage.co.uk.

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Step-by-Step Process to No-Fault Divorce in the UK
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Step-By-Step Guide to No-Fault Divorce in the UK

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Director
Fair Results

A No-Fault Divorce is a legal procedure that enables a married couple to end their union without having to establish that one partner was at fault for the marriage’s dissolution. Therefore, neither spouse is required to present proof of infidelity, abandonment, or any other type of marital impropriety.

Understanding the no-fault divorce procedure is important for a number of reasons. For starters, it can dramatically minimise the mental stress and turmoil that is sometimes associated with divorce processes. Couples can focus on addressing issues without having to assign blame. Secondly, it can speed up the divorce process by eliminating the need for long investigations or trials to determine fault. Finally, it allows spouses to keep a sense of discretion regarding the reasons for their divorce, which can benefit all parties involved, particularly children.

Understanding No-Fault Divorce

A no-fault divorce is one in which neither spouse is legally obliged to show that the other is to blame for the dissolution of the marriage. Contrast this with a fault-based divorce, when one side is blamed for bad behaviour like infidelity or abuse. In a no-fault divorce, the couple just needs to say that their union has irretrievably fallen apart and leave it at that.

No-fault divorce, in the history of British family law, is a relatively new idea – coming into effect on 6th April 2022. Societal developments and shifting attitudes regarding marriage resulted in adjustments to divorce laws.

There are various advantages to a no-fault divorce:

  • Reduced Conflict: Not having to prove fault decreases conflict and stress between the parties, which is especially advantageous when children are involved.
  • Faster Procedure: Because there is no requirement for investigations or proof of fault, the divorce process can be expedited.
  • Privacy: Couples can keep their divorce grounds private, which can be less detrimental to their reputations and personal lives.
  • Emotional Well-being: The lessened conflict and accelerated process can benefit both parties and the emotional well-being of any children involved.

Eligibility Criteria

Before you petition for a no-fault divorce in the United Kingdom, you must first grasp the eligibility requirements. This section will walk you through the steps necessary to proceed with a no-fault divorce.

Residency Requirements

In order to petition for divorce in the United Kingdom, at least one spouse must be:

  • Resident in England or Wales, or
  • Domiciled in England or Wales if you are living abroad.

Duration of Marriage

Before you may apply for a divorce in the UK, you must have been married for at least one year.

Mutual Agreement

While mutual consent is not required for no-fault divorce, it can make the process go more smoothly. It might speed up the procedure if both parties agree that the marriage has irreparably broken down.

Grounds for No-Fault Divorce

The sole foundation for a no-fault divorce is that the marriage has irretrievably broken down. However, you are not required to present proof of any misconduct. It is sufficient to indicate that you and your spouse have disagreements that cannot be resolved.

Preparing for the Divorce Process

It is critical to be well-prepared before beginning the process of filing for a no-fault divorce. This section will walk you through the measures you should take to prepare for divorce.

Gathering Necessary Documents

Begin by gathering all of the paperwork you will require during the divorce procedure. These are some examples:

  • Marriage certificate
  • Financial documents (bank statements, tax returns, etc.)
  • Property deeds and mortgage statements
  • Documents related to any debts
  • Pension statements

Seeking Legal Advice

Even in a no-fault divorce, it is important to get legal counsel. A solicitor can assist you in navigating the process, advising you on your rights, and negotiating divorce financial settlements and child custody agreements.

Understanding the Financial Implications

Divorce can have a big impact on your finances. It’s crucial to:

  • Analyse your present financial status.
  • Recognise the costs associated with the divorce procedure.
  • Think about how your debts and assets will be allocated.
  • Make financial preparations for life after divorce.

Considering the Impact on Children and Family

If you have any children, their welfare should be your first priority. Think about how you can lessen the effect of the divorce on them. This can include:

  • Discussing the divorce with your children in an age-appropriate way
  • Making plans for their future residence
  • Ensuring that both parents are available to them
  • Taking into account their emotional needs and, if necessary, seeking counselling

Setting Realistic Expectations

Setting reasonable expectations for the divorce process is critical. Recognise that it can be both time-consuming and emotionally draining. Prepare to negotiate and potentially make compromises.

Creating a Support System

Having a support network in place can be quite beneficial during the divorce process. This could include:

  • Friends and family
  • Support groups
  • Counselling or therapy
  • Legal and financial advisors

Step-by-Step Guide to Filing for No-Fault Divorce

When you are ready, you can begin the process of filing for a no-fault divorce. Here is the divorce process flowchart & a step-by-step guide:

The Divorce Process, Step-by-Step
Divorce process breakdown flowchart.

Step 1: Preliminary Considerations and Preparations

Before filing, make sure you’ve thought about the consequences and are prepared, as outlined in the ‘Preparing for the Divorce Process’ section.

Step 2: Filing the Divorce Application

The ‘petitioner’ is the one who initiates the divorce. The petitioner must fill out a D8 divorce application form, which can be done online or by mail. You will state that the marriage has irretrievably broken down in a no-fault divorce.

Step 3: Serving the Divorce Papers to the Other Party

The other spouse, referred to as the “respondent,” must be served with the divorce papers after the application has been submitted. A copy of the application and a response form will be sent to them.

Step 4: Responding to the Divorce Application

Eight days are given for the respondent to respond to the divorce petition. They can accept the divorce or they can object to it. If they concur, the divorce is regarded as uncontested. If they can’t agree, it will be a defended divorce, which might make things more difficult.

Step 5: Negotiating Settlements and Agreements

Financial settlements, property division, and, if applicable, child custody and support, must all be agreed upon by both parties. You can accomplish this through mediation or a lawyer.

Step 6: Applying for the Decree Nisi

The petitioner may submit a decree nisi application after agreements have been reached. According to this document, there is no legal reason why you can’t get a divorce.

Step 7: Applying for the Decree Absolute

The petitioner may apply for the decree absolute six weeks after receiving the decree nisi. The marriage has been legally ended by this document. The divorce is finalised after this is granted.

Note: Attending Court Hearings (if necessary)

You might need to appear in court proceedings if the divorce is disputed or if there are problems that cannot be settled through discussion.

Post-Divorce Considerations

After the divorce is official, there are a number of things to think about and actions to take to begin your new life successfully.

Financial Planning After Divorce

Following a divorce, your financial circumstances may drastically change. It is critical to:

  • Make a fresh budget that matches your current income and expenses.
  • Bank accounts, insurance policies, and other financial products should all be updated.
  • Consider consulting with a financial professional for advice on managing finances after a divorce.

Co-Parenting Arrangements

Co-parenting will be a significant part of your life after divorce if you have children. Here are some tips for successful co-parenting:

  • Discuss the children with your ex-spouse in an open and courteous manner.
  • Keep the best interests of the children in mind.
  • Be adaptable and willing to make concessions on timing and other difficulties.
  • Consider using co-parenting applications to organise schedules, communicate, and share child information.

Updating Legal Documents

After divorce, it’s important to amend legal documents, including:

  • Your will
  • Beneficiaries on insurance policies and retirement accounts
  • Emergency contacts
  • Any powers of attorney

Focusing on Personal Growth & Wellbeing

Make the most of this period by focusing on personal development and restoring your life.

  • Setting new goals for your career, personal life, and hobbies is one example.
  • Participating in activities that provide you joy and fulfilment.
  • Consider counselling or therapy to help you go through your emotions.

How Can Fair-Result Help you Deal with a No-Fault Divorce?

Overall, divorce proceedings are complex, covering legal procedures, emotional well-being, and huge life changes. Individuals can manage this shift more smoothly if they focus on preparation, knowledge, and support. It is critical to approach the process with clarity and to seek the resources and assistance that are required.

And having the correct assistance and guidance is critical as you negotiate the difficulties of no-fault divorce. Fair-Result is here to help you get through this difficult period. So, if you require legal or financial assistance, feel free to contact our team.

More articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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I Just Want To Get Back To Normal: Why Divorce Is A Marathon Not A Sprint.
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I Just Want to Get Back to Normal: Why Divorce Recovery is a Marathon Not a Sprint

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

The Long Game of Divorce Recovery

My inspiration this week comes from an interesting conversation I recently had with a person on Twitter. He struggles with the fact that even after three years, he still battles daily with co-parenting and trying to heal from his divorce.

He has two children under ten and says communication with his ex usually ends in high conflict.

He told me, “I just want things to return to normal again”.

The thing about divorce that most people get blindsided by is how long it takes to feel better.

Yes, there are things you can do to distract yourself from the pain, like new relationships or new challenges in your career, taking up new hobbies.

Yet, divorce just seems to have a way of returning to the front and centre of your life in cycles.

After sharing some communication tips with my friend on Twitter, I started reflecting on how I was tracking at the three-year mark after my divorce.

The Sound of Silence

It’s those moments late at night that get you. You hop into bed after the busyness of the day, and then there is nothing else. In the stillness of the dark, the thoughts come.

Memories of the past that were good, memories that were painful. Ironically, even some of the happier memories can make you feel sad because you know you can never go back to those times.

Fears of the future can ramp up anxiety….Will I love again? Will my kids be ok? Is this new relationship really what I need? Should I have taken time to be alone?

These thoughts can come even several years down the track.

Extreme guilt plagued me for a very long time. I went through periods of feeling good because everything seemed to be working, but when the stresses of life and the inevitable bumps in the road hit me and the kids, it triggered the guilt I felt that I couldn’t keep my marriage together.

When I went through an excruciating breakup five years after my divorce, I felt as though I had wasted all that time in a new relationship, trying to prove to myself that I was lovable and could make it work with someone after all. When it ended, it was like confirmation that I was defective.

I experienced a new round of heartache that triggered all my old divorce grief and pain to come flooding back. It took a long time to recover, and I’m thankful every day that I’ve finally healed from both my marriage and my first relationship post-divorce.

I have spoken to many people who have been 3–5 years down the track from their divorces. They are incredulous that they can still be emotionally wiped out after feeling like they are making progress.

Here’s the thing, it’s not like a band-aid. One rip, and it’s all over.

Divorce is an ever-evolving entity.

It might be smooth sailing for a few months or even a year or so. Then all of a sudden, you could find yourself going through an emotionally stressful time.

One of your children might go through a milestone or transition and start acting out in ways that stress and confuse you. You may be dealing with an illness in the family, job stress, or financial worries.

If you find yourself more stressed or worried than usual about something that is happening with your kids, your career or extended family, this could impact your co-parenting relationship, and you may find it harder to get along with your ex-spouse.

You can start to see that divorce recovery is not just a question of how much time passes.

You’re dealing with many unknown variables. Your ex-spouse and all of their life’s decisions, your children and all of the changes and experiences they will go through over time, new relationships and possibly new children that add different dynamics to the family unit.

Even if you don’t have children, you may find that several years down the track, you miss your ex-spouse or wonder if things could have been different.

A Marathon vs A Sprint

The best way to prepare for this realisation is to view divorce recovery as a marathon rather than a sprint.

Training for a marathon requires a different type of game plan than training for a sprint.

Just as athletes prepare themselves for endurance events, so should you prepare yourself for the long game when it comes to divorce.

With divorce recovery, you need high levels of self-care and self-awareness to ensure that you have enough energy and emotional resilience to make it through whatever comes your way over the years.

The number one thing you can do to help yourself is to identify all the things you can control and then set goals around achieving them. (While at the same time giving yourself grace when things don’t go 100% right).

Once you identify those things you can control, you can work on letting go of all the things you can’t. Stress, anxiety and burnout all come from trying to control those things that are simply not in your control.

Let’s look at some things that you do have control over:

  • Your thoughts
  • Your reactions
  • The rules and expectations in your own household
  • How you communicate with your children
  • How you support your kids and provide for them
  • What sort of food your children eat
  • How you manage your finances
  • Your physical and mental well-being
  • Your coping strategies when you’re under stress

Now let’s look at the things you have no control over:

  • Rules and expectations at your ex’s house
  • What your ex says to your children
  • How your ex manages their finances
  • Who your ex chooses to be in a relationship with
  • What your kids eat or wear when they’re with your ex
  • Your ex’s ways of coping when they are under stress

You get the picture. These are of course not extensive lists, but it gives you an idea of where you may be expending your energy where it’s not doing you any good.

Seek Support

Letting go is not easy. It can invoke fear in us. It’s helpful to talk to someone who can guide you to identify what you need to focus on and find the strength to let go of what you have no power over.

It sounds daunting, but once you can get into the practice of only putting energy into the actions that support your well-being, your life becomes more manageable, co-parenting becomes more peaceful, and you can start to feel happy and ‘back to normal’ again.

I hope that wherever this post finds you, you are in a place of feeling strong and capable as you navigate your divorce recovery.

More articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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Our Successful Nesting Co-Parenting Arrangement Benefited From a Team of Professionals.
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Helping Children Cope with Divorce: 6 Essential Steps

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Psychologist and Founding Editor
TDM

Divorce happens. And as soon as the children know about it, that moment, can become a watershed moment for your child or children. However, as much as divorce is important, what is even more crucial is how it’s handled.

The divorce process is already physically, emotionally and mentally challenging making it extremely hard to play the good, attentive and caring parent as much you would like to.

You will make mistakes no doubt. You will say things and do things with your child in the room that you wish you hadn’t. Then you will spend time worrying that you have somehow permanently damaged your child.

“Crazy” moments like these, that are not consistent and repetitive, are quickly and easily mended with an acknowledgement from you to them that it shouldn’t have happened followed by a genuine apology.

Divorce being the delicate, confusing and life-changing time that it is, here are some important things to keep in mind when looking after your children:

  • Don’t go it alone! Get yourself some support. This is said so often yet it’s amazing how so many don’t do it and continue walking around like some sort of warrior person. You see without support, good, strong and objective support, you will crack. And when you do, the people closest to you will be the first to be affected and those people are very likely going to be your children. So put your own support system in place.
  • Don’t assume that your children understand why your marriage ended, especially the younger ones. You know why and your partner knows why too but for children, splitting up the family to make life better may not make any sense and if it doesn’t make sense then they cannot cope with it all. So do, pay attention to the questions they ask and try and answer them in the best way possible without painting their other parent as the horrid, evil villain – even if it’s true. Remember as Haim Ginott says, children never ask questions to which they know the answer
  • Avoid making promises that you know you won’t or cannot keep. Don’t say things on the spur of the moment just to make them feel better knowing that in time, the truth will reveal itself and they will be left feeling crushed. For instance don’t promise that you will get back together or that you will see them every weekend if you know that that will never be the case. If you don’t know what will happen, tell them exactly that.
  • Create parenting plans that are child centred and appropriate for their age as opposed to what works just for you. An 18-month toddler cannot build a good and loving relationship if he only sees his father once a month for one day. A parenting plan created for a three-yea-old is unlikely to work the same way on a 13 year old. So be prepared to adjust the plan as your child grows.
  • Do let your child’s school know what’s going on. Don’t ask your children to keep affairs of the home secret. It’s not fair. You school-aged child spends most of his/her/their waking time at school so they will need looking after there as much as at home.
  • A stitch in time saves nine. If you are concerned about your child’s changes in behaviour, then do contact a professional as soon as possible.This person can help you continue parenting your child as you would like. It doesn’t mean you’re incapable of doing this, on the contrary, it means that you are continuing to look after your child by getting you and him/her help so as to make them feel better as they rebuild their lives.

Divorce is a watershed moment in the life of any child, no matter how amicable the whole process is.

Having said this, divorce needn’t be a trauma that permanently changes who your child is. Handle it well and it will be something your child went through at some point in his/her life as opposed to something that now and forever defines who they are.

Read more articles by Soila.

About Soila

Soila is a child development psychologist and the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine. She is known for easing the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and has been working with children and families for almost two decades.  Soila holds a BSc (Hons) in psychology from the Open University and an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London). She is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and very recently completed her professional doctoral training in Counselling Psychology and is awaiting registration.

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When children of divorce become caregivers.
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When Children of Divorce Become Caregivers

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Psychologist and Founding Editor
The Divorce Magazine

I often say that it’s ok for children of divorce or separation to see you upset, distressed, and crying when going through the process.

It is important for them to know that you too are hurting because by knowing this and by showing your emotions, you are inadvertently giving them permission to feel the pain and hurt that the divorce process gives rise to and just to show them that you are indeed human after all.

It’s usually very difficult for children of divorce, especially a sensitive one, to watch their parent fall apart and not do anything about it or feel that they are somehow responsible for the sadness or breakdown. They will very often do their best to rectify the situation by taking care of you, in the best way that they know; asking you if you’re all right, if they can get you something or do something to make you feel better.

This is a very normal reaction to a specific situation but allow it to become the norm or go on for too long and you’re changing your child’s life trajectory. When a child becomes a caregiver they become your advisor, your mentor, the person looking after you. This set-up is definitely not conducive to helping children cope with divorce.

When a parent makes a statement like, “Sophia takes care of me. She doesn’t like to see me sad and will sometimes just come and put her arms around to make me feel better,” the first question that comes to my mind is, “And whom does Sophia turn to? What does Kimani do with his own feelings and thoughts of fear, confusion, and loss?

The answer to this is most likely that they suppress them or blocks them because there is nowhere else to take them. There is no adult container for their adverse and undesirable thoughts and feelings.

“When a child turned caregiver tries to attend to her own needs and wishes, she feels guilty and undeserving…When a child forfeits her childhood and adolescence to take on responsibilities for a parent, her capacity to enjoy her life as a young person, develop close friendships and cultivate shared interests is sacrificed…it is an overburdening that seriously inhibits the child’s freedom to separate normally and to lead a healthy adolescence…”[1]

So, it is okay for your child to see you cry, be distressed, and upset because fact is that the divorce process is a difficult journey for all to be on.

It is beneficial and advantageous for them to know that you are hurting too but, hard as it maybe, we need to continue being the parents and the adults in the room, the container and processor of your child’s feelings of anxiety, fear and confusion in seeing the family unit he once knew disintegrate into something unfamiliar and foreign.

[1] Wallerstein, J., Lewis, J., and Blakeslee, S.,(2002), ‘The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study.’

Read more articles by Soila

About Soila

 Soila is a child development psychologist and the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine. She is known for easing the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and has been working with children and families for almost two decades

Soila holds a BSc (Hons) in psychology from the Open University and an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London). She is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and very recently completed her professional doctoral training in Counselling Psychology and is awaiting registration.

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The Impact of Alcohol on Relationships
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The Impact of Alcohol on Relationships

Published on
Dr Farrukh Alam
Dr Farrukh Alam
Lead Consultant Psychiatrist & Medical Director
Addcounsel & Orchestrate Health

The impact of alcohol on relationships is widespread and whilst drinking is often an enjoyable part of many different social activities, for many people, it can also be a source of conflict in their relationships, especially when consumption is excessive. Alcohol is normalised across many cultures, yet even though it is not harmful in moderation, it can also be problematic when used to excess especially in an already strained relationship. In some cases, alcohol misuse can put a serious strain on intimate relationships and has the potential to lead to separation issues in some couples and can negatively impact a relationship to the point of breakup or divorce.

How excessive alcohol use can affect a relationship:

  • Create intimacy problems and decrease in sex drive!
  • Lack of emotional availability and affection
  • Impaired judgement, increased irritability, and extreme mood swings
  • Feelings of depression and anxiety
  • Negative effect on family dynamics
  • Questioning of shared values
  • Levels of respect
  • Mistrust

Potential physical health problems of alcohol misuse include:

  • High blood pressure
  • Increased risk of heart and liver disease
  • Cancer of the breast, colon, liver, throat, and mouth
  • Weakened immune system.

If you’re worried about yours or a loved one’s drinking habits, ask yourself if:

you feel you should cut down on your drinking

other people have been criticising your drinking

you feel guilty or bad about your drinking

you need to drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or get rid of hangover

Signs of excessive alcohol use

Excessive alcohol use can have dire effects on the affected individual, whether their level of alcohol use is mild, moderate, or severe. If you believe that someone you love may have an alcohol use disorder, there are some common signs that can help you in figuring it out. If you wish to help yourself, or someone you know who may be affected, speak to a professional as soon as you can.

Approaching a person about their alcohol use can be a touchy subject, and without a careful and informed approach, the individual may feel attacked or confronted, meaning that a positive response is unlikely. If you feel like alcohol has been affecting your relationships, speak to an addiction professional, like a counsellor or an interventionist. They can guide you on how to best approach the situation and help you maintain your own balance and security throughout.

Dr Farrukh Alam BSc, MBChB, MRCPsych comments: “Relationship problems are a common result of alcohol use disorder as alcohol can change a person’s personality and this can have a detrimental impact on intimacy and partnerships. Where alcohol misuse has been established over a long period of time, the whole family dynamic may grow and shape itself around the addictive behaviour, often resulting in unhealthy, sometimes toxic relationships either between a couple, parent/child relationship or both and left untreated, alcohol use disorder can negatively impact a marriage, storing up trauma for future generations. However, people don’t have to suffer alone, talking to an expert can have great effectiveness in helping couples and families who are struggling with a substance use disorder”.

About Dr Farrukh Alam

Dr Alam is an internationally renowned expert in assessment and treatment of drug, alcohol, and other addictive disorders. He is accredited as having specialist expertise in this field by the GMC and, for over 25 years, has treated thousands of patients with a variety of addictive disorders.

After completing his medical training at the Universities of St Andrews and Manchester, his psychiatric training was carried out at national drug and alcohol units at The Maudsley Hospital, London. He is a member of the Royal College of Psychiatrists and has specialist accreditation in general psychiatry and treatment of addiction. He also holds the position Associate Medical Director for the NHS Central and North West London Foundation Trust.

In  July 2018,  he joined luxury rehab Addcounsel and sister company leading private community mental health service Orchestrate Health as Lead Consultant Psychiatrist and Medical Director. Dr Alam has a commitment to providing the best quality care and is responsible for the clinical safety of all patients. Working with people struggling with affective mood disorders, his specialist area is addiction (chemical and behavioural), helping people with alcohol, drug, and other compulsive behaviours, to achieving recovery and maintaining a happy life.

He has presented on the topic of addiction to a wide audience, including international conferences, House of Lords, and is widely published in international literature and media.

Dr Farrukh Alam holds Medico-Legal Expert’s Certificate, accredited by City University London & The Inns of Court School of Law. He has prepared psychiatric medico-legal reports for 25 years and prepares approximately 40 reports a year.

His current national roles include Clinical Advisor to the Civil Aviation Authority.

For more information or to arrange an interview with Dr Alam, please contact Natalie Clarke at Love PR London natalie@loveprlondon.com or call 07796 675950.

More about Addcounsel and Orchestrate Health

Offering expert private treatment for a range of addictive and mental health disorders, Addcounsel treat just one client at a time in luxury private accommodation in London, providing 24/7 medically led care from highly qualified mental health care professionals including doctors, psychiatrists, nutritionists, therapists, and addiction specialists. Addcounsel provides complete anonymity to high net worth and ultra-high net worth individuals and their families, for whom group recovery simply wouldn’t work. The model has proven highly successful and Addcounsel has treated hundreds of clients from around the world.

Orchestrate Health is London’s leading private community mental health service supporting patients and enabling them to be cared for online and/or at home by providing live-in mental health specialists, home assessments and daily visits from professionals within the mental health field.

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Divorce Can Bring Gratitude - Here's What It Taught Me
Photo by Gabrielle Henderson on Unsplash.
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Divorce Can Bring Gratitude – Here’s What It Taught Me

Published on
Carol Madden
Carol Madden
Separation and Divorce Coach
Carol Madden Coaching

“Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.” — Dr Wayne Dyer

Life is about learning lessons. We are all just living in one giant university, all of us choosing our own areas of study through the choices we make.

We all have entirely different teachers, starting with our parents and families, then our friendships and, later, our love relationships. When you begin to view life as a lifelong classroom, you start to see all of your experiences through a different lens.

Life Lessons From My Divorce

Divorce taught me some of life’s hardest lessons, but I am grateful for them now that I am looking back.

These lessons can only be learnt after the fullness of time. My hope is that you will be able to use some of this to anchor yourself in the coming months and years if you are experiencing the end of your relationship.

Let’s dive in.

Nobody can escape impermanence

Impermanence is the realisation that the things we think will always be there and take for granted can be gone one day. When I signed the papers on my wedding day, I was sure I would be in a loving relationship for the rest of my life. Divorce hit me like a truck and made me question everything else.

If this could be over, what else could be over?

While this is a sobering realisation, it is an essential life lesson because impermanence affects every single person at some point: death, job losses, natural disasters, illness. Nothing is forever.

By knowing and accepting that, rather than denying anything so painful could happen, we set ourselves up to face the inevitable adversity of life with an inner confidence and strength that will get us through our darkest times.

Love does not conquer all

When I was in the first years of marriage, I truly believed that no matter what came our way, our love for each other would be strong enough to survive all of life’s challenges.

It was a profoundly sad feeling to realise that this wasn’t true. Love does not conquer all. Relationships are dynamic entities that evolve and change, sometimes out of our control.

There are no guarantees that you will grow in the same direction. You can’t control another person, so it’s naive to think that you will always be able to make a relationship work if you put in enough effort.

In the words of the Don Henley song, ‘Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough’.

People change in fundamental ways over time

In my twenties and thirties, I genuinely believed that who I was and who other people were was set in concrete.

Sure, I could change jobs, interests, political ideals or friendship groups, but I never understood how much people can change fundamentally back then. When two people change in opposite ways over many years, it’s not the same two who entered the relationship anymore.

This is what happened with my ex-husband and I. When I look at us both now, we are polar opposites of the people who looked at each other and made vows on our wedding day. We know that if we were to meet today, we wouldn’t be drawn to each other; we are just too different at the core.

I have a shadow self

The term ‘shadow self’ was coined by psychoanalyst Carl Jung to describe the parts of our personality that we hide because we find them unacceptable. You can find out more by reading this article by Andrea M. Darcy.

Separation showed me that after living with emotional stress for years, you have no idea what you’re capable of when you hit rock bottom. When past pain and trauma come out, you think and act in ways you barely recognise.

Just admitting that I didn’t want to be married anymore was a massive blow to my beliefs about my identity. I started to see myself as a failure and someone capable of inflicting pain on others. I couldn’t bear admitting that about myself.

However, this realisation has helped me accept myself as a whole person, flaws and all. I am much more forgiving of myself today. The flow-on effect is that I am more accepting and forgiving of humanity as a whole. This new mindset has given me a level of inner peace that I never thought was possible.

Realising that my ex-husband has a shadow too

When I married him, I thought he was the kindest, most caring and loyal person in the world. As it became apparent that he wasn’t always kind, didn’t always have my best interests at heart, and could see himself living without me in his life (in other words, he was human), I experienced the most significant blow of all.

It sounds dramatic, but it felt like I was living with a complete stranger in the last months before we separated. Many things I thought I knew about him turned out to be wrong. I had to accept that fact, and he had to accept the same about me.

People are judgemental

Given that the global divorce rate is still high, you would think that divorce stigma would have lifted a lot more than it has. It’s incredible how often people make flippant comments about divorced families that cut you to the core.

Now that my kids are in their teens, I see how they are happy and thriving compared to many of their friends whose parents are still married.

Having divorced parents does not make kids destined to have trouble later in life, and that’s something I will never shut up about because it causes so much anxiety in new co-parents.

If this happens to me now, I let it go immediately. Anyone who judges me for going through a divorce lacks the ability to view the world from any perspective except their own, and who cares what someone that narrow-minded thinks?

The true meaning of being alone after divorce

I love having time to myself; I’m a person who recharges by having time alone. But nothing prepares you for the loneliness of not having a partner to share life with.

In the first year after a divorce, I shifted into autopilot, almost running on adrenaline most of the time. There was a sense of relief that the stress of living in a dying relationship was finally over.

After that first year, though, when I started to ‘do life’ on my own, I began feeling intense loneliness and isolation. These uncomfortable feelings were my primary motivation for wanting to create a new relationship, which ended up being toxic and unhealthy.

It was great at the beginning when I didn’t have to deal with being lonely, but after the honeymoon period ended, all the dysfunction started to rear its head.

Three years later, I was back to square one — still, nobody to talk to and more grief to deal with. I’m determined not to do that to myself again, so I’m choosing to stay ‘single on purpose’ until I’m ready to find a partner for the right reasons, not just a distraction for bouts of loneliness.

Friends have limited bandwidth for my heartache

After divorce, friendships can go quiet. A few months into my struggles, I realised my friends had busy lives and little time to talk to me when I felt down.

Initially, I was hurt by this, but looking back now, I can see it was the ‘Nobody Can Save You’ module of life. The emotional journey of recovery from grief and loss is yours alone. Your friends love you but can’t do it for you, even if they want to.

I’m particularly grateful for this lesson as it helped me rediscover my love of journaling and writing to deal with times when I feel lonely or sad. I learnt that I have more strength and resilience than I gave myself credit for and that I don’t need anyone to rescue me.

Takeaway

It’s helpful to see your divorce as a graduation from the university of life. Nobody wants to go through all of life’s brutal lessons, but if we think we can get out of here without living through some serious pain, we are fooling ourselves.

It’s totally up to us how we want to work through the pain of recovery and come out the other side. No matter how much we feel like circumstances are stacked against us, we have the power to decide.

My greatest personal achievement is feeling emotionally equipped for whatever comes my way. By accepting impermanence and creating strategies to deal with it, my life has now become something I can face head-on, and I feel confident that no matter what comes my way, I can get myself through it.

For this, I am grateful.

Read more articles by Carol Madden.

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

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