coping with divorce - Page 18

benefits of mindfulness exercises

Divorce and the Benefits of Mindfulness Exercises

Published on
Annette Du Bois, Author and Mindfulness Meditation Expert
Annette Du Bois, Author and Mindfulness Meditation Expert

Whether it’s a joint decision or hearing those words from your loved one that seem so final and marks the end of things as you know them right now, divorce is one of the most emotional situations you can go through in life.

It’s likely your head is crammed with so much that even simple everyday things turn into overwhelm. There’s so much to think about, talk about, organise, not to mention the future. And that’s often what gets many who are going through the divorce process… fear of the future, right?

Perhaps it’s not just you to consider, if you have kids or run a business together then there are more complications to the already stressful process.

You’re having to think about things you thought would never happen, be strong for those around you and all the while inside your feelings sway heavily from numbness to anger, anxiety to loneliness.

Divorce and the Benefits of Mindfulness Exercises

I hear this so often from people I help through family and emotional situations and coping with life’s challenges. If you’re not really sure what it is here’s a quick summary…

The misconception is that Mindfulness is sitting cross legged, blanking the mind so everything’s perfect – when that’s just not reality. It’s not a belief system but an outlook on life and way of using your mind. It’s far more than just positive thinking. It’s a “be here now” approach to life allowing you to look at things differently…

and when you change the way you look at things, what you look at changes.

So what about that worry that never materialised, or the concern that never came to anything? That’s how the mind can distort time, reality and perception. Thoughts can create a deception of perception, most things in life take place only in your mind!

But then what to do when challenges and life devastations occur? For many the proverbial ‘bury head in sand’ happens – don’t think about it and it’s not happening, only to suffer further when reality eventually hits.

So in answer to the question above… Mindfulness helps you stay very present to cope with life as it unfolds. So rather than living in the past with the ‘shoulda, coulda’ echoing in your mind or fear of what the future will be like, it grounds you in dealing with the now – which is all we ever have.

F.E.A.R

Mindfulness helps develop perspective and you may be wondering how on earth you can see a different outlook on life when your whole world feels like it’s caved in – so here’s something to think about.

False Emotion Appearing Real

When you’re right in the middle of a situation of course it’s tough to see any other angle and when stressed and overwhelmed our mind runs wild, thinking the worst and making things a lot bigger than perhaps they are. That’s where the distortion I mentioned comes in; it creates debilitating anxiety, panic of the unknown then add to the mix all the labels, judgements and criticisms you create through guilt, rejection, blame, etc.

Join Me for a Step Back

Remember this… you are not your thoughts!

Mindfulness is the key to gaining perspective in life. Bringing awareness to your thoughts is the first step to gaining control over them. Try this…

  • Simply become aware of your thoughts, and when it’s safe to do so close your eyes taking a slow and gentle breath. Now take a mental step back and create space from that thought. Just as music must have gaps between notes to prevent one continuous noise, so must we create gaps between our thoughts to stop the incessant and unhelpful thinking pattern.
  • Repeat the following affirmations. Recite aloud or in your head. Practice with feeling, power and with belief:
  1.  I Release
  2.  I Flow
  3.  I Let Go

This simple exercise helps you create the space you need to become more aware of the choices you have, the decisions you make and the actions you take.

Practice this every day or as many times as you need to help you control your thoughts and manage your emotions through the process of divorce and beyond.

Annette

www.mindfulnessmeditationzone.com

About Annette Du Bois

Hello, I’m Annette Du Bois, author and Mindfulness expert.

For over 15 years I’ve been helping adults, kids/teens and business owners understand the powerful connection between the mind and body, so they can make better choices, control emotions and feel healthier and happier about life. I teach Yoga, Tai Chi, Qigong, Kids Confidence and Mindfulness Meditation.

I’m author and co-author of books, DVDs and training programs on the subject, as well as a contributor to the Guardian Small Business Network, and been featured on Radio and in business publications worldwide. I’m co-founder of the Mindfulness Meditation Zone – the one-stop place for mindfulness living and practical meditation. Working alongside my husband and mind/body expert Ian Fox we provide advanced communication techniques and Mental Toughness skills to Corporates and Executives.

Ways to connect with me…

Email: info@mindfulnessmeditationzone.com
Website: http://www.mindfulnessmeditationzone.com/

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taking advantage of your divorce

Taking Advantage of your Divorce

Published on
Soila Sindiyo
Soila Sindiyo
Child Development Psychologist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Of course divorce is a difficult process.  It’s more often than not shrouded in anger, animosity and resentment. Children get caught in the middle of it all and families and friends are split at times forever.

Yet despite all this, divorce has it’s benefits and advantages, whether you grab them or not is a different matter.

Divorce has its hidden treasures and gifts.

Each time I say this, I’m met with either a raise of eyebrows or a barrage of questions, some a tiny bit on the angry side. How dare I put the words treasure and divorce in the same sentence?

Well I can and I do and here’s why.

It is so very possible to use your divorce as a catalyst to reconnect with life and love.   I should know, I have been divorced twice.

Of course and as in most things, there are cases where this taking charge of your new life is terrifyingly difficult as in the cases where children and parents are separated or abducted.  I have no answer to this as I cannot imagine anything more difficult than not being with my girls.

However, where it’s a “straightforward” divorce and both parents are in contact with their children, here are 6 treasures that divorce has for you, if only you can start taking advantage of your divorce:

  • No matter how acrimonious it is or was, divorce provides you with a new life –   you can either embrace it or reject it the choice is entirely yours. You cannot live both in the past and in the present – one of them will rule and affect the other. Pick the present and you will find a whole new life and world before you, one that might be difficult in the beginning but as you continue on this new path your journey becomes easier and more fulfilling. The first step in doing this requires that you accept that your marriage is over. Really truly accepting that it’s done and that’s that and start writing your new chapter!
  • As the saying goes, “it takes two”. When a marriage ends, it’s never due to the fault of one person. It may not be equal
    Taking advantage of your Divorce
    What’s the title of this new chapter in your life? Go ahead and start writing it.

    blame but we all do play a role in the creation and breakup of relationships. If you can take responsibility for your own role in the demise of your marriage and accepting it completely, chances are that you will not repeat them in your next relationship nor in others be they platonic, business or otherwise. I have yet to meet someone who is and remains totally adamant that they had absolutely nothing at all to do with the break-up.

    Once you look at your divorce as being partly your doing, then you give your next relationship a much, much better rate of survival. There is truly a reason why the rate of divorce in second marriages is much higher than the first.

  • By knowing and understanding why you picked the person that you married then you will know what to avoid next time. The chances of getting involved with the same person albeit in a different from, will be eliminated. Are you attracted to the needy type, the controlling type or the one who is just unavailable.
  • Being able to handle what divorce throws your way and moving on means that you realise your abilities, capabilities and power and this can give you that oomph you need to venture out there and try new things because you can do it! And should divorce come knocking on your door again, you know that you will be fine.
  • When you realise all these things, the biggest and best thing that happens is that you learn to listen to yourself again. Your instinct shines through because you have taken the time to work through the divorce and it’s repercussions, discarding what you want and keeping a hold of what works for you. You have made and created space for this to happen and this gut feeling, this instinct, whatever it is that you want to call it, never means you any harm.

As Maya Angelou so aptly put it, “Nothing works unless you do.”

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@parentinglives.co.uk

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divorce advice for men

Henry – A Divorce Story

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Henry got married at age twenty to a women of nineteen.

His job was to take care of the car(s) and any outside maintenance and Mindy’s was being the homemaker, doing cooking, cleaning and laundry.

He was happy with their traditional roles and in being the provider. Life was good. Life was stable and they knew what to expect.

They got on with each other’s families and had a nice circle of friends. They proceeded to have three children and each addition was cherished. How could life be any better than this?

Mindy got a part-time job to save up some money for college when the kids got older.

When she enrolled, this entailed juggling classes, a job and household chores. Mindy was changing into a different person on this new path.  Henry felt left behind and resented this new game plan in which he had no say.

He was not consulted and did not want to start learning how to do household chores at this stage in life.  Mindy said it was like bringing up four children, while having no help.

Mindy filed for divorce. Henry was gobsmacked and did not see how his traditional view point on the sexes contributed to it.

Whenever Mindy sent Henry a kind letter, or was pleasant in their co-parenting interactions, Henry would confide to buddies that she wanted to stop the divorce proceedings.  This could not be farther from the truth.

After their divorce was finalized, Mindy would invite Henry to be part of their children’s celebrations. It was only when our mutual friend sternly told Henry that it was over – she is a fantastic co-parent that he was able to move on. Several months later Henry got into a serious relationship.

Sometimes a couple grows in different ways or one likes life to stay the same. Henry had the right to expect status quo in their relationship, and Mindy had the right to obtain an education to feel fulfilled. Hearing Henry’s story reminded me of the movie Educating Rita with Michael Caine and Julie Walters about a similar situation.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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Divorce Recovery and Starting Out on Your Own Again

Published on
Susan Leigh
Susan Leigh Counsellor and Hypnotherapist

Whether or not we’re in agreement with the divorce starting out on our own again can be tough.

We may have become immune to the situation at home, the long periods of silence, the bickering, the disappearing acts and even though the eventual split often comes as a relief it can still be distressing.

Divorce recovery or starting out on our own often causes significant upheaval. It can require finding a new home, adapting our existing home, reorganising our finances, sourcing a job, arranging childcare.

Many things may need to be dealt with at a time when we’re already feeling quite low.

Here are a few tips to help if in your journey through divorce recovery and when you’re starting out on your own again:

  • Introduce your personality, some personal touches and put your mark on your home. Even if you’re renting or sharing with friends be sure you have somewhere you can call your own. Introduce colour, pictures, bright fabrics so that you have your own oasis of peace and calm. These things don’t need to cost a lot of money; throws, cushions, lovely textures and scented candles can be sourced at local markets and thrift stores but can add important touches of cosy comfort.

 

  • If you’re remaining in the family home consider rearranging the furniture, altering your bedroom so that the place has a rather different feel. You may have let some possessions go due to the divorce settlement so use this as an opportunity to change things around and add your own flair and personal style. If you’re moving with children try to include them in the process by letting them discuss some of the decisions that affect them.

 

  • There may be times when you find yourself on your own, lonely and wondering what to do. It may be tempting to bury yourself in work, domestic chores or hibernate at home for a while, but try to introduce good habits from the start. Invite friends to your place so that it starts to feel more homely. Friends will be happy to help out and contribute food or a bottle of wine if that’s a consideration for you. Have a pamper evening on your own with a pleasant supper, a leisurely bath or
    time with a film or a good book. Plan to enjoy your alone times.
divorce recovery
For divorce recovery – Plan to enjoy your alone times.

 

  • You may find that you have a lot more responsibility now that you’re on your own. If you have children ask them to start helping a little. Even young children can help a little with chores, setting the table, tidying up and it can be important for them to feel that they’re contributing to the new family dynamic.

 

  • Provide children with regular opportunities to talk. Let them know that it’s okay to contact their absent parent whenever they wish and provide times when you’re available to listen, answer any questions they may have and provide reassurance. Grandparents can be a valuable resource at these times, often able to provide children with loving support, wisdom, and plenty of time.

 

  • You may need to make an effort to bring new friends of either gender or new interests into your life. Consider the value of going to places on a regular basis.  Walking the dog, going to the gym, attending a weekly class, even shopping at the supermarket may provide opportunities for you to smile as you recognise regular faces, then gradually say hello, begin a conversation and perhaps agree to meet for coffee.

 

  • Accept invitations that you know are safe. Even unlikely invitations can open new doors for you and introduce you to people and activities you may not have previously thought about. If you have to consider childcare make the effort to befriend other parents so that you can share the responsibility and alternate lifts, sleepovers and after school care.

 

  • Be gentle with yourself. There may well be times, even when you’re with family or friends, that you feel lonely and alone. Avoid the temptation to make rash, hasty decisions and bide your time, letting yourself grieve, heal and work through your issues. Some people find that therapy can offer valuable support at this time, enabling lessons to be learned from the breakup, but whatever you decide to do, take your time, be gentle with yourself and begin to look forward to starting out on
    your own again.

Susan Leigh is a Counsellor and Hypnotherapist who works with stressed individuals to promote confidence and self belief, with couples experiencing relationship difficulties to improve communications and understanding and with business clients to support the health and motivation levels of individuals and teams.

For more articles, information or to make contact please visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net

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coping with divorce and health

Coping with Divorce and Health

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Going through divorce takes a toll on emotions and can wreak havoc on the physical functioning of one’s body.

Stress puts the body on red alert, that one is facing danger and to get prepared. Chronic stress keeps the body in a hyper vigilant state instead of having down time between episodes.

Stress in divorce can particularly affect the cardiovascular system. How to mitigate the damage?  How to make sure you’re coping with divorce and health?

Take supplements with your health care provider’s guidance.

Omega 3 protects the heart by maintaining an optimal rhythm and increasing blood vessel flexibility.Stress increases inflammation in the body and Omega 3 decreases it.  The Journal of Psychiatry is studying the use of Omega 3 for people with depression and other mental health disorders.

A study done at Ohio State University on medical students indicated that it decreases mild anxiety. Participants took either a placebo or Omega 3 over a three month period. The results showed a 20% decrease in anxiety with the Omega 3 group, plus a 14% decrease in the pro-inflammatory compound interleukin 6.

Interleukin 6 can be an anti-inflammatory when within normal limits. It relays information between cells, regulates the immune system functioning and cell growth. It helps to stop colds and infections.

When the body has chronic low grade inflammation due to psychological stress, then interleukin 6 increases too much and becomes pro-inflammatory. This leads to diseases such as autoimmune disorders including rheumatoid arthritis.

Co-Enzyme 10 (Co Q 10) is an element found in the mitochondria of cells and is especially concentrated in the heart. It converts food into energy and reduces free radicals. A study at Tulane University in New Orleans indicated that Co Q 10 increased the ejection fraction (pumping ability of the heart) by 3.7%. It promotes healthy heart functioning.

Antioxidants are nutrients that include flavonoids that decrease free radicals. Free radicals are the waste products of cells that increase inflammation in the body.

Another function of some antioxidants is to deter these inflammatory elements from sticking to healthy cells. Brightly coloured fruit and tea are good sources of antioxidants, so put your feet up and enjoy that calming cup of tea.

coping with divorce www.thedivorcemagazine.co.ukBiochemical Pharmacology had an article which stated that Cucumin (derived from the spice Tumeric) decreased inflammation in ninety-seven or more “biological mechanisms.” One of these is decreasing pro-inflammatory interleukin 6.

Cucumin has been used in Ayurvedic healing for a few millenniums, particularly for gastro-intestinal problems.

Another Ayurvedic medicine that has been around for several millenniums is Holy Basil.

It reduces inflammation in the body and the stress hormone, cortisol.

Cortisol increases the heart rate, blood pressure and insomnia. Cortisol is responsible for the flight or fight response.

Holy Basil helped me to relax and get deeper sleep during my divorce. I continued to take it at least for a year post-divorce and have gotten positive feedback about it from others undergoing stressful lives.

B Vitamins get depleted when your body is under the stress of divorce. B6 is especially important for immune health. When the B6 level is low, then the production of White Blood Cells, T Cells, and interleukin 2 are decreased. These elements of the immune system fight off colds and infections.

B12 is required for cell growth and division. Middle age decreases B12 and stress does too, so consider particularly having your B 12 level tested.

Biotin is needed for the production of insulin and helps in the metabolism of glucose, fatty and amino acids. You may want to take a multi Vitamin B complex supplement. I notice that I get more headaches when I am lax taking this supplement.

Aromatherapy helped me in divorce and beyond.

Nipping into Neal’s Yard for their fabulous aromatherapy products zapped my stress and anxiety. Therapist have recommended Clary Sage for those tensions headaches that come with divorce. Spraying Lavender on your face or pillow at night is relaxing and induces sleep.

Homeopathic remedies have helped many get through divorce too. Follow the path that is most comfortable to reduce stress for you.

Wendi Schuller is a published author who has conducted classes on various subjects. She draws upon her knowledge as a nurse, Neuro-Linguistic Programmer (NLP), and hypnotherapist, providing a blueprint to guide women through this difficult transition. Schuller hired an attorney for a court divorce, but decided to go the collaborative route instead and has worked with a mediator post-divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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Divorce is not a License to Destroy

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Amicable divorces are not the norm but this doesn’t mean that life after divorce need be one that’s burdened with the same emotions that you carried through the process.

Moving on from a breakup or moving on from divorce doesn’t mean you have to destroy to feel whole again.

Judging by the emails we receive from time to time, long running anger and resentment is pretty common even after several years of living and being apart.

Couples long divorced who won’t attend their grandchildren’s christening if the ex is going to be present.

And the ones who refuse to be part of their children’s wedding if their ex spouse is coming with his/her new partner.

There are a whole lot of powerfully negative emotions associated with divorce.  There’s anger, there’s hate, and all the ones associated with grief and loss.

But anger seems to be the most prevalent especially during the divorce process.  And, as it’s well known, the source of anger is usually hurt.  Someone gets hurt and wants to hurt back.

But despite all this, divorce is not a license to destroy.

Here’s why:

  • Because, if anything, you both played a role in the final breakdown of your marriage.  If you don’t agree, ask yourself these questions.  Did you say yes to marrying him/her?  Did you ignore signs, hints and/or red flags around you at the time of dating?  Do you believe that you are absolutely not responsible in any, any way for the end of your marriage?  What could you have done different?
  • Because, where children are concerned, it stops being about you and your anger.  Of course you can express it as you please because it’s vital for the healing process that you do so, but don’t involve the children, don’t use them as messengers, advocates or spies and don’t involve them in adult issues.  What they really need right now is the adult in the room to provide them with security and affection so that their already shattered world is not destroyed beyond repair.   And that adult is you.
  • Because, unless there’s cause for concern, the relationship that the children have with the other parent is their relationship alone.   Divorce is not a license to destroy a relationship between the children and the other parent by holding them hostage because you’re not happy or due to lack of child support payments and increasing any negative effects of divorce on children.  Don’t be the one whom the children grow up to resent and begrudge because you arrested and broke a relationship that was so dear and critical to them.
  • Because anger is toxic.  Anger eats you up, not the person that it’s directed towards and holding on to it will not help you along your journey of living with or coping with divorce.  You operate with high levels of adrenaline and cortisol which affect your immune and cardiovascular systems.  Release the anger and you free yourself.  Yes, easier said than done but it’s definitely not impossible.  As Benjamin Franklin said, “Whatever is begun in anger, ends in shame.”
  • Because the emotions of divorce cause you to hold yourself hostage to a past and a person you wish to rid yourself off.  Those emotions become you, you carry them and identify with them.  Then here on, those whom you meet along your way only get to know the person whose mind and soul carry anger and resentment.
  • Because no one can make you do anything you don’t want to.  This means that we are totally responsible for our actions, unless of course there’s a gun or some sort of threat involved.  But when we make decisions to behave a certain way, or do something destructive then that simply falls on our shoulders.  It’s all about taking responsibility.

Divorce is tough and can be ugly.  Destructive emotions run high, very high sometimes.

But it’s very possible to contain those feelings and stopping yourself from becoming either verbally or physically destructive.

There are so many ways.  It’s just a matter of finding what works for you and making your life after divorce as happy as you can get it to be.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be with you is soul-destroying.
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Shame you’re Divorced

Published on
What is Reiki www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Ever since launching The Divorce Magazine, one thing has become clear and obvious: being divorced is something to be ashamed off, it’s something that you want to hide as much as possible and it’s not a status you want to own or be associated with.

This has been indicated in two ways.

Firstly, I have been asked, over and over again why I chose to call this magazine, The Divorce Magazine.  Could I not find something more…gentle, nicer?

At a recent networking event one of the attendees informed me that she had been thinking of launching a magazine about divorce.

She went on to explain that she was still planning on doing so but she was going to call it something different, “something really lovely.  I find using the word divorce in the title a bit too harsh.  I wouldn’t want to be seen reading it.”

Secondly in the business world of Linkedin, some friends and acquaintances have said that they would rather not be connected to me because they didn’t want anything to do with Divorce to be seen as being part of their connections.  “People would begin to wonder what was going on in my marriage.” Or, “I don’t want potential employers or clients to see that I am connected to those working in divorce or separation.  It just doesn’t look good”

Finally and which is very closely tied to the previous point, is to do with Facebook.

my marriage
Being divorced is something to be ashamed off,

Facebook is more of a social site unlike Linkedin which is about business connections – you don’t talk about what you had for lunch here.

This is where you get personal and tell all that you want to all that are interested or not.  You show off your holiday photos and like and unlike other members posts, photos and videos.  And where Facebook is used for business purposes, the messages and posts are also more emotion based, intimate and friendly.

People see you and what you get up to and it is for this reason, as in the Linkedin point, that people have said they are reluctant to like the page because, again, “People will wonder what they have been up to what is going on in their lives.”

While I totally understand this, it just goes to show just how strong and negative a stigma divorce still holds in our lives, communities and society, so much so that your decision to hire someone or not will be based on her Linkedin connection to some who founded a magazine called “The Divorce Magazine.”

I recently wrote an article for the Huffington Post on a very similar subject but from a personal angle.

I find that unless we begin to look at divorce as part of our life’s journey, as something that happened but that doesn’t define us who we we are, then we will continue to hold it in darkness, in shame and in guilt.

We will continue to whisper about it and beat ourselves up when we go through it and label ourselves as “failed” in one of the biggest areas of our lives.

Unfortunately divorce is here and doesn’t seem to be going away.

Fortunately divorce is here so we have a means to right a wrong that would otherwise condemn some of us to lives of misery and sorrow for the sake of keeping up appearances.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Divorce Facts and Divorce Myths Debunked

Published on

Fabulously informative infographic from Manchester based solicitors Davis Blank Furniss looking at divorce facts and myths.

Please feel free to share and help debunk them for your friends, clients and family.

Looking at such topics as:

  • Co-habitation.  Do long term co-habitating couples have the same rights in divorce as those who are married?
  • The person to blame for the breakdown of the marriage will get a reduced share of the assests.
  • What about the assets that in my sole name, do they belong to him too?
  • To whom does the debt belong to?

 

divorce-fact-myth from http-::www.dbf-law.co.uk:

 

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Coping with Divorce and the Lessons Learned

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

I have been divorced for seven years and have learned a few lessons along the way.

When I first got divorced most things seemed monumental. I had to learn when to step back and when to charge ahead. I sometimes felt like I was in a fog and relied too much on others.

When visitation deteriorated post-divorce, I listened to my mum and other well-meaning people about just letting it go on as scheduled. Instead of filing a motion with the court to suspend it, my younger son was particularly traumatized by going to visitation a year longer than necessary.

He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which may have been less had I heeded his demand not to go anymore.

Neither son has contact with their father or his parents. The point is to listen to your gut feeling and push for a resolution to a problem sooner than later. One is vulnerable and is prone to put too much weight on other people’s opinions.

Instead of reacting, take a break from the situation to come up with a response.  Reactions are hot-headed and responding is taking in the facts and making an informed decision about what to do.

One does not have to make quick decisions in a panic, but can say, “Let me get back to you.”

This also applies to family members, work colleagues, or anyone who may try to enlist your time and energy when you are running on empty.

It is not only okay to run away, but even therapeutic.

Go to Cornwall or Brighton and enjoy the sea. Or go to more far-flung places to heal and rejuvenate yourself. Getting away from a stressful divorce situation was the balm to soothe our emotional wounds.

For my sons and I meandering down lanes in Palermo increased our bonding and feeling that we can get through anything.

My sons and I were allowed to go on an already-scheduled cruise during my divorce. The other passengers were fabulous and shared their getting through adversity stories. Walking through the souk in Tunis and

Our batteries were recharged during this journey.

I discovered how important family is during a crisis like divorce.

There was a month gap during my divorce before I could get some funds released to me and when I had to make a down payment on the house I was purchasing. My cousin provided the short-term loan of £13,200 so that I could close on my house before I received some divorce assets. I would have lost this sanctuary without my cousin’s kindness.

On the flip side, a well-to-do family member (not related to him), refused to do a short-term loan so that I could get my house. She stated that I did not know how to negotiate. You may be surprised by what family members come through for you and those that do not.

Divorce taught me to appreciate the smaller pleasures in life; hummingbirds hovering around my zinnias, a perfect latte, and the bliss of a pedicure.

When I was enduring a bad marriage, I was focused on survival, not bits of joy. Consider thinking of several things a day for which you are thankful. This helps to not take kindness for granted. Pay attention to what increases your happiness and plan these regularly into your schedule. Fun and laughter have health benefits and decrease my headaches. Meeting friends is a necessity and not an indulgence.

Divorce teaches assertiveness. I stand up to people whom I think are taking advantage of me or someone else.

When a former boss put a false allegation into my yearly review I went to the Human Resources Department to lodge a rebuttal. I sent the boss a polite note pointing out her error. I did get input from a few colleagues first, to make sure that I was on target and not overreacting.

When a garage botched a co-worker’s car repair, I called them and demanded that they fix it (they did).

Going through a divorce has increased my social and professional networks. At first the pool of friends shrinks, but then expands as we meet new people. Post-divorce is an adventure with many twists and turns.

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CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, and hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programming (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK.

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Deepak Chopra’s 5-Step Process for Recovering from a Rough Divorce

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Recovering from divorce can be a long, long journey.

In this video Deepak Chopra a woman who has been unable to cope with her divorce and move on speaks to Deepak Chopra and he gives her the 5 step to recovering from divorce.

It’s a quick short video but don’t be fooled the steps to be taken might take a lot of energy and time from you but will give you back your life!

Good luck and all the best.

(P/S Video enlarges when you click on it)

 

[video_lightbox_youtube video_id=”UnS78sGhMc8″ width=”640″ height=”480″ auto_thumb=”1″]

 

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A Guide for Blended Families

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Step-parents and children can thrive in blended families with little understanding of the process.

Merging begins with the Courting Phase, just as with dating.

People are on their best behaviour, showing their good side and hiding their less stellar points. They may be more giving than usual, saying “I’ll take your glass to the sink, just sit there darling.”

Then comes the Honeymoon Phase.

The newly blended family is having extra fun, going to amusement parks and keeping occupied with other enjoyable pursuits. Life is one big holiday and individuals are getting along so well.

Then day to day reality sets in. Not only is the sink pointed out to the child, but so is the mop and dust cloth. Chores materialize and the honeymoon is over. Disenchantment can set in on both sides.

The children may become sulky when life is no longer all fun and games. The step-parent wonders what happened to the sweet kids and who are these opinionated brats?

How to make blending go smoother?

Be your authentic self at all times. Be warm and kind, but not bending over backwards to fulfil the children’s every whim. From day one, let them know that there is no maid service, so everyone takes their glasses to the sink.

You are not their best friend and let them warm up to you on their own time schedule. Do not attempt to bribe them with presents to win them over. Even if they never come around completely, insist upon respect and good manners, not love. Let them know you are there for them, whenever they want help.

blended families www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
The newly blended family is having extra fun and keeping occupied with other enjoyable pursuits

Realize that people are on their best behaviour during the Courting Phase, so do not be blindsided when reality sets in. Children can be great, but have to let off steam. Do not take it personally when it happens.

Some of my friends have talked about their own step-mothers to their new step-children. They emphasize what great family friends they are and how they fill a special supportive role.

As a biological parent, consider having regular family meetings to air concerns and set up a rota for chores.

My step-mother gave me chores to do when I came over on the weekends and this helped me to feel a part of her family. I felt like I did my share and was not a guest.

Give expected behaviour guidelines, such as treating everyone with respect. Ask kids what special treats and fun they would like, but be clear that you are not getting a bank loan to do expensive activities every weekend. It was the little things that I enjoyed most with my step-mum, such as making paper dolls or baking brownies.

One step-dad was great at helping his step-son maintain his clunker of a car. It is the experiences that are so meaningful to step-kids.

Expect bumps in the road. Life may be going smoothly, then there is chaos. This can be a result of children turning into teens or other issues. The key is communication. Attempt to discuss what is going on. If things become more difficult, consider a session or two with a divorce coach to get everyone back on track. One may discover that there are issues with the other parent or difficulties at school.

With time, blended families grow to love, or at least like each other. It was wonderful for me to gain an instant extended family, since I am an only child. It helps when the biological parent is supportive of the new step-parent, as my mother was of my step-mum.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Don’t forget to subscribe to our youtube channel www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk  today

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divorce quotes

Some Inspirational Words

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some inspirational words

some inspirational words

some inspirational words

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For more life quotes, inspirational quotes or motivational words click here – www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk/quotes

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