coping with divorce - Page 16

I had the pleasure of interviewing Rasheed Ogunlaru on divorce and how this introduces us to endings and beginnings and on the role accepting divorce plays in helping us move on.

It was an interview that was full of really valuable information on how to manage the emotions and stresses that accompany the divorce process.

Rasheed has worked with people for a while now and really understands what really goes on for people during their dark times. He has worked with all kinds of people, from those in the public eye to others who looking to move on with their lives and careers.

In this interview, we talked about endings and beginnings.

This is what Rasheed had to say:

What would you say to someone who is going through divorce right one who is considering divorce?

Our whole lives are built around relationships and it can be painful when any kind of relationship comes to an end. You can feel all sorts of emotions.  There’s so much pressure to be a certain way when in a relationship, including how long they should last.

Relationships are like train journeys. There are going to be some relationships where you go through the entire course of that journey together because you’re heading in the same direction.  While there are others where people would get off at different stops because you’re going on your life journey and they are going on their own life journey.

The one person whom you’re stuck with for the entire journey is you.

So you’ve got to take time out for yourself.  For very many people it may have taken them a very long time to even get to this point in their lives in accepting that their relationship isn’t working.

Realise and recognise that there are three things going on at the moment – there’s you, the other person and then there’s the relationship in between and the key thing is how can you honour all three.

How can you honour you?  What is it that you need?  Where are you at?  Is it time for you to move forward?  Are you ready to move on from this relationship?  How do you protect yourself because sometimes things may get very, very unpleasant?

Then there is the other person; and their life, letting them go and moving on without them.  And finally there’s the relationship that is ending.  What it means and how to go about it?  It’s very, very important to honour all three of those spaces.

There can be such huge pressures on what you should do and how you should feel but remember there is no script to follow so what you are feeling is uniquely you.

The divorce process and the divorce proceedings don’t need to be bitter. It is possible to have an amicable divorce today.  Going to court as a means of going through divorce or the divorce proceedings isn’t always the way.  There are other options including family mediation, collaborative law, working with a McKenzie Friend.

The narrative around divorce doesn’t need to be adversarial. Many couples decide and manage to sort out their divorce proceedings together and amicably.

What about the difference between leaver and the left?  The left who maybe in shock and full of anger?

Give yourself time and space. You may feel numb and unable to do things. Know that there is support out there. You don’t have to go through it alone. Good friends, counsellors,family, therapists but be mindful of the type of support you reach out for.

You may also feel guilt and blame. It’s easier to move forward when you don’t carry such emotions with you. Realise that these things just happen.  Which brings us on to acceptance.

What role does acceptance play?

First of all, acceptance is not about being passive.

Rasheed explains that this is one of the most powerful steps one can take in being able to positively deal with the divorce process and start their life after divorce and separation.

Understand that it is what it is.  That is acceptance.

That moment of acceptance is the beginning of being empowered.  It’s the beginning of thinking, “OK, where am I actually with this?  What help do I need?  What are the things I need to put in place?”

Realise that if it is over, if it is unresolvable, if people are going to go their own way, then you’re going to need to go on a journey.  That is inevitable.  Accept it.

Be mindful of the fact that there will be practical, financial and a lot of things that will need to be addressed, especially with regards to the children of divorce and others concerned but there’s going to be a moment where you are going to need to take care of yourself because you are going to need to address how you are, your own wellbeing, you cannot negate yourself.  And if there are others, you are going to need to be as strong as you can be, for their sake as well as your own.

Addressing things with a good heart and good intentions is something that would be good to do because that’s all part of looking after yourself and moving on because there is still life to be lived!

To finish off – How to deal with divorce?

When going through divorce there are three important elements to keep in mind.

Firstly, what practical support do I need?

Secondly, what issues need to be addressed e.g. the children, the house, and other assets?

Thirdly, how am I looking after my emotions, my spirit, my feelings? What’s the emotional stuff that needs to be addressed or honoured or acknowledged and the support that I need? How am are you feeling in your spirit? Because there may also be that dimension where you would be wrestling with what’s in your heart?

In your heart you might be someone of kindness, someone caring so what is it that’s going to nourish you? Whether that’s spending time in nature or if you someone of faith or a humanist, whatever that looks like for you how are you keeping that going because it is an important part of your life.

Remember that sometimes this can also be a beginning. You are at a new stage in your life. Nothing ever in life is lost.

All those experiences, all those memories they are still alive, they are still all very relevant and you might be able to see them within yourself, within the other, within the children, within the things that you have created.

As strange as it may sound right now, be very grateful for this gift of life and for this opportunity of moving on because it will make you stronger, it will make you wiser and know that you  be ready to love if you open your heart to being loving and kind.

Don’t let the divorce shut out your emotions towards yourself and others. Embrace life and life will embrace you and I wish all the best as you move forward in your life.

Thank you Rasheed.

Rasheed Ogunlaru is a leading life coach, motivational speaker and business / corporate coach.

His clients include entertainers, celebrities, entrepreneurs,  experts, Chief Executives, professionals, healers, therapists, organisations and the public. He specialises in helping people find lasting fulfilment in all areas of their lives, careers and relationships – from within.

Rasaru.com

Whether divorce was discussed by you both as a possibility or if taken by surprise, it still comes as a jolt.

Calmly talking about an imminent split does not take into consideration all of the legalities and hoops to jump through to complete the process.

It can feel as if one is drowning in all the minutia that comes along with divorce.

How to climb out of this pit or how to prepare for a divorce?

• Discuss with your solicitor or mediator how you are feeling, such as discouraged and overwhelmed. They want you to be at the top of your game so may be able to streamline the process by bringing some experts on board.

Our collaborative solicitors called in an interim child psychologist to set up and monitor visitation during the divorce itself. This took that burden off us parents.

She met with our sons to ensure visitation was working out and if the boys were okay. They were not, so she arranged for them to have a therapist.

Lighten your load with the expertise of other professionals to make the process go more smoothly. Another example is having a financial advisor work with the divorce team to oversee the division of assets.

• It is easy to get so immersed in proceedings that one lets other areas slip, such as sleep, nutrition and emotional well-being.

Stress decreases the efficiency of the immune system which makes one more susceptible to colds and the flu.

Realize that you will have good days and bad ones. Sometimes you feel that you are on top of things and other times that you are skittering on the edge of a breakdown. Divorce is not a straight line, but looks like a graph with peaks and troughs.

• Do not think of being stoic or going though divorce alone.

This is the time to vent or seek feedback. Let people share their wisdom to help you have an easier time. One great piece of advice that I received, was to let go of the small stuff and focus on what really mattered to me.

Fighting over every little thing makes the divorce more adversarial and prolongs the proceedings. Neither of you win and the divorce professionals net higher fees for this battle. Spend time with supportive people and ditch (at least temporarily) those who are not. Get energized by upbeat folks and have some laughs. Schedule some pleasurable pursuits into your agenda.

• Divorce is a temporary episode in your life – perhaps 1/85 of it. Put that in perspective.

Time may seem to go excruciatingly slower during the proceedings. Afterwards it speeds up and before you know it you are facing Empty Nest as I am. You will get through it.

• Be blunt with your family about what went on with your marriage and what is happening now.

Otherwise, they may make unhealthy suggestions about getting back together which is an impossibility. In a few cases where abuse was hidden or minimized, relatives did not understand the need for supervised visitation which upset the children.

When issues are mounting and you feel like you are floating in a fog – get some professional help. There are divorce groups and workshops. A divorce or life coach assists one in gaining clarity and setting priorities and goals. It is a relief to have a compassionate coach help you devise a life plan and not go through divorce alone.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

It goes without saying that going through divorce is an emotionally charged process or journey.

So what can you do when someone tells you their marriage is over?

Here are the dos when helping a friend going through divorce:

• Just listen. You don’t need to come up with any solutions. You don’t need to offer any advice. You don’t need to do anything else other than listen. Be ready for those long telephone conversations and repetition about incidents and things that the spouse has done/said.

• Take the initiative. Go see your friend, be with him, call her. Sometimes people going through divorce feel, for various reasons, that they cannot approach others for help. Don’t leave it up to your friend to ask for help. Offer it and keep doing so.

• Do continue to invite her out for social events. It’s amazing how once you become single, the dinner parties and social events invites become thin on the ground. Get him out of the house as much as possible, keeping in mind that there will be times when your friend may prefer to be on his own which is fine too.

• If they are going through solicitors, attend the meetings with her and take a notebook/pad to take notes.

• Encourage your friend to keep the long view in mind, especially where children are concerned. We make strange and weird decisions when in anger.

• Do offer practical help e.g. cooking or looking after the children

And here are the don’ts.

• Don’t take sides. Remember that no matter what, the ex-spouse was/is someone whom your friend loved enough to marry and have children with. Also, you never know, they might just come back together. If you would like to continue being friends with both of them, then let them know.

• Don’t fan the flames of anger and resentment. Don’t share in his anger as a means of showing support. It’s not your anger to have and to hold. Divorce can be resolved with dignity. Yes it can.

• Don’t push your experiences onto them. If you have been through divorce yourself, by all means share your experiences but allow her to make his own legal decisions. Your experience was yours and each case is different. If you have information that can be beneficial, offer it but expect that it might not be the best one for her.

• Don’t rush them through the coping process but instead allow them to really feel the emotions and live through them. It’s all about processing what has happened and/or what is happening.

• Don’t start planning and organising blind dates for them. Let them find their way. Under the same breath, if they seem too eager to start dating almost immediately, speak with them about this as it might just be a means of getting away from the pain and loneliness.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the five star rated online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk

Divorce for men – What are the first few steps when hit with divorce news?

When hearing that one’s wife wants a divorce, it is a blow that some guys even feel physically. Acknowledge that you are in shock and do not expect to make any rational decisions right away. It may feel like you are a robot going through the motions of daily life.

• Get some emotional support. Guys that I talked with said that they were too stoic – keeping a stiff upper lip. They did not know where to turn when they were numb with shock. Talk to a relative whom you feel close to and let them know you need to vent. This is not the moment to be on the receiving end of a lengthy list of tasks to do in divorce. Detailed divorce strategy comes later after you had time to process your feelings and to regroup. Maybe confide in a cousin or uncle because your parents may be in shock themselves.

• Reach out to others. This was the hardest thing to do, according to my male sources. They felt like they would be a burden to others or be perceived as weak if they mentioned their divorce woes. Go out for a pint with your mates and tell them what you are facing. Most likely they have pals who are divorced, if they are not themselves, and can clue you in on what to do next. Just expressing how you feel can take a weight off your shoulders. I guarantee that your wife has talked about getting a divorce with at least twenty girlfriends.

• Feeling like you are teetering on the brink of a breakdown is normal in divorce. Many have felt this way too, and we made it through our divorces with our sanity intact. Balance having alone time with interactions with friends. Men said it was easier to think about their situation and come up with solutions when they were in motion, such as running on the treadmill, or taking a walk. Exercise is important as a way to burn off anxiety and strong emotions while lowering stress hormones and getting your body back to a healthier place.

• Man up and seek short-term help if depressed or feeling stuck, as some fellow have advised. Divorce coaches specialize in getting a person from Point A to Point B and beyond. Click on The Divorce Magazine’s resource tab for links to classes, workshops, or where to have a chat with a counsellor. Look at it this way. You go to a professional to get your car or other machinery fixed and a divorce professional can do the same for you.

• Keep in mind that the divorce process is a continuum and one moves back and forth on it. One day you feel fine and the next one you may be despondent – then back to okay. Feeling good then backtracking to not so good is normal. Some parts of the divorce process itself are bumpy, which can affect your emotional state, such as figuring out shared care time with the children. When a divorce is going along smoothly, it can be disconcerting when it hits a snag. Be open to negotiation and getting the process back on track.

Take it day to day and focus on what is at hand. Worrying about the future is not going to help and instead use your energy on getting through the divorce. Take your time making decisions, such as with dividing assets. Take your divorce step-by step and you will get to the other side and be done with it.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

The simple answer to the question of can exes be friends after divorce is….it depends.

Some people were great pals before marriage and want to continue this post-divorce. It is doable with these caveats.

Let there be some space between your divorce and picking up the friendship. Both parties may not be over hurts or harbour some resentment over the divorce process itself. One may be farther along on the divorce continuum of moving on, and the other is stuck and not catching up. Waiting a bit helps in establishing clear boundaries and avoiding the “friends with benefits.”

Jumping into bed immediately after divorce – when neither have sex partners – hampers starting separate lives.

Meet up again when not feeling lonely or craving intimacy. Enlarge your circle of acquaintances and business networks, plus renew old friendships. Feeling fulfilled with your social life fills the void left by a departing spouse.

Be proactive and inform your friends that you both are cool about your changed relationship and there is no need to take sides. Tell mutual friends that they are not being disloyal remaining in contact with the two of you. This alerts them that neither of you has to be dropped from their guest list nor is bumping into each other socially an issue.

Avoid meeting at your favourite places that you frequented when married.

Go to a new café or have more informal get-togethers at coffee houses. The point is not to relive your marriage when forging a new relationship with your former spouse. When the marital history is firmly anchored in the past, some divorced people claim that they are great judges of potential partners for their exes. They know these peoples’ strengths and weaknesses and can give an opinion on whether or not it is a good match.

When children are involved, make it clear to them that mummy and daddy are friendly, but are not getting back together again. Ever.

This is important so that the kids can accept a future step-parent.

It is lovely when both parents can share important moments and holidays with the youngsters. Children can feel more grounded when parents are not perceived as enemies, but rather being on good terms.

Take stock of your emotions. Maybe being friends with your former spouse is just not in the cards. Some couples are totally done with each other after a break up. Someone can have an ulterior motive in “Let’s be friends.” If something does not seem right, then pull back. You may need to take a breather to carefully evaluate your situation. Perhaps you both require a break from each other to gain some clarity in setting up boundaries for this changed relationship.

It could be that being friends is a no go. Do not let yourself be coerced into anything, and if friendship is on the agenda, it will happen.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

No, unfortunatly it doesn’t. Anger doesn’t end with divorce.

For so many going through divorce, the crossing of the threshold to a new life seems to be the eagerly anticipated sound of the decree absolute landing on the doormat.

We believe in earnest that once the divorce is over, then we can get on with our lives allowing for a good life after divorce without the ex that we are dying to get rid off.

We have divorce parties to celebrate with well thought out and decorated divorce cakes to go with it or we go out for celebratory drinks and meals with friends because the divorce papers have been signed, divorce process is over and now all that is left is to look forward to moving on and eventually start dating again.   It’s done and dusted and there’s no looking back.

And for some it is.

For me, the arrival of the decree absolute was such an anticlimax!

Truth is though that anger doesn’t end with divorce.

If the divorce process was shrouded in hostility, bitterness and animosity then it’s safe to assume that these emotions will not simply dissipate now that the marriage is over.  You still have to parent your children together and  you will still need to communicate at some level or other.

A good friend of mine firmly stated the other day, that she would not be attending her son’s graduation ceremony if he’s going to be there. She was justifiably annoyed by something her ex had done and/or said a couple of weeks prior.

Thing is, and I’m sure most of you will agree with me, it’s not just the graduation, there will be loads and loads of other ceremonies where you and your ex are bound to meet.  Think, school events, graduation ceremonies, birthdays, weddings, christenings and all the other ceremonies in between and beyond.  What will happen then?

So unfortunately, anger doesn’t end with divorce because anger is indeed the culmination of a myriad of other emotions including hurt and fear.

So this is what I suggest to you, if you have had a truly acrimonious divorce, if you continue and continue to feel angry about the whole process or for whatever reason – be honest – then do something about it.  Deal with it, see someone and learn how to cope with your ex because your life together is not over yet.

Best pieces of advice I ever got –

• Don’t take it personally.  He would have been behaving the same way he is with someone else.  It just happens to be you.
• It is what it is.
• When in an argument – look from the outside in. Remove yourself and become an onlooker.  This helps to disengage with the process and you actually see things differently – comes with practice and works in soooo many other situations.

So, if you’re going through the divorce process now and you have children between you, I hate to be the one to tell you this but, you’re not done with your spouse or the parent of your child, so find a system that will help you cope with life as a co-parent and remember, as someone once said, your ex is not your child’s ex so keep them out of your clashes, bickering and quarrels.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

I think most of us will agree that conflict, arguments, disagreements or whatever you want to call them, are indeed part of “normal” life in a home, however, conflict becomes an issue when children are exposed to it on a regular basis and where it involves both verbal abuse and physical violence.

One line I always recall hearing during my training in working with children of trauma is:

A child old enough to laugh, is old enough to experience trauma.

So for those parents who think a child is too young to understand what is happening you maybe seeking to protect yourselves, rather than the child.

Is it possible that it’s easier to think this way than actually deal with the issues at hand?

Keep in mind two things:

• You are not your child’s only influence so you’d better be the best

• A child who is exposed to violence changes who they are

If you’re engaged in a high conflict divorce then here are some things you could do in the hope of protecting your children:

•  Only communicate through a third party if necessary.  One lady I heard off, got someone to read through emails from her ex.  This reader person would then relate back to her what had been requested in his mail omitting any unnecessary points that had been raised only for point scoring purposes.

• There are, fortunately, a million ways to communicate nowadays, email, text, whatsapp, mediation, solicitors (andno they are not all bad), letters and the list continues.  If you don’t want to see one another, you really don’t have to.

• Just don’t slag your ex in front of the children, totally unnecessary.  No one gains, not even you. The children might listen to you now and agree with you but in later years, it will come back to haunt you.  Trust me.

• Get a mutual/public place to meet for the transitions between homes.  If the children are old enough, school’s always a good place.

• Get you own adult sounding board.  Your children don’t need to hear, know or be part of your arguments.

• Don’t involve your children in adult issues.  You know what those issues are but your children don’t need to.  Protect their innocence as much and for as long as you can.

If in doubt do speak with someone, your children will be very grateful for that, if not now, later.

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