coping with divorce - Page 17

How to travel light with children

Single Parent Holidays – How to Travel Light with Children

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

There are tricks to packing for a holiday to make life easier, whether going alone or with the kids.  My sons and I usually only have carry on, and in order to do this we have perfected a few practices.

We save socks and underwear with a hole in them for holidays, so they can be worn and thrown away on the trip. Trousers and shoes that still look okay but are getting a bit worn, are also packed and discarded too.

When my sons were little, I took almost outgrown clothes and left them behind in the hotels with a note.

I went to South Africa right after my divorce and the nice looking shirts that my ex had given me, were worn and donated to a local charity. I went to Egypt with a stuffed carry on and got rid of most of my clothes and had room for many souvenirs.

I do not take a handbag, but only a money pouch that can also hold a few other essentials like lip balm. I carry a small bag for books, snacks, an umbrella, etc around the city or while on tours which takes up no space in my suitcase. I take a larger tote bag as my personal item when travelling, that is roomier than a handbag.

Have a small travel wardrobe that washes well in a hotel or cabin’s sink and can be hung up to dry. This includes nice dresses in washable silk, for more formal affairs. I use the shampoo to wash clothes that is provided by the hotel or ship.

Magazines have foundation, lotion, and serum samples that I save for holidays. I get facials at Neal’s Yard and they are generous with trip size containers of their wonderful products.

How to Travel Light A pharmacy has special days where companies come in and hand out small promotional size goodies in their skin care lines. Stash these away for your next holiday, including the small tubes of toothpaste from your dentist.

I save small eye cream and lip balm containers and put my own creams and lotions into them to save space when packing toiletries.

Our local library has a rack where people leave their magazines and pick up other ones. I get some of these freebies for a trip. I read a book and often leave it in the ship or hotel’s library to lighten my load. Some people swear by the plastic bags that take the air out of clothes and squash them for more packing space, however I have not had much luck with these.

Business travellers often take apparel in just two or three colours to mix and match more easily, especially when they have both casual and formal functions.

When travelling with children, accept strangers’ help.

My toddler had a meltdown in an airport and I was losing my cool. I happily let a grandmother entertain him in his stroller with a new toy that she was giving her grandson. I had a newborn and a pre-schooler on a flight when the man sitting in front of us graciously got my stroller and kids’ luggage down from the overhead locker. Then Tiger Woods even insisted that we got off the plane before him.

Wrap up activity books, travel sized games and other entertaining small toys and dole them out on the trip. I gave my young sons medication for their ears on flights after consulting with their paediatrician, since the other remedies did not help their Eustachian tubes.

I took premeasured formula in a container that held three individual bottles’ worth and only had to put water in the bottle. I dumped in the right amount of powdered formula for each bottle given and this made travelling with a baby very easy. Of course carry extra snacks since there can be flight delays.

One doctor thought she would be smart and gave her young sons an anti-histamine on a long haul flight to get them to sleep most of the way. It was a trip from Hell. She said for the entire flight they screamed and cried like when they were on the verge of sleep at home, but were cranky and did not nap at all on the plane.

This is quoted by many folks, “Take twice the money and half of the clothes that you think that you will need on a trip.”

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Adopted and Divorced
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Adopted, Divorced and the Fear of Abandonment

Published on
Adoption and Divorce
Elaine Pinkerton

I have abandonment issues.

My birth mother had to give me up when I was five years old.  Though I landed in a wonderful adoptive family, my adoptee status was never discussed.

The time: right after WWII, and closed adoptions were the rule.

My college professor Dad and my schoolteacher Mom decided that it was best not to talk about the circumstances of my first few years. I had memories enough to know that the foster care situation in which they found me was grim. You might say that I was born again, but I paid a price. I grew up feeling that I had to be perfect or that I would be sent back.

Never mind reality; I imagined that I had to pretend to be the “real” daughter.  Outwardly, I was an exemplary daughter, but inwardly, I feared being abandoned.

Fast forward to adulthood. The feelings returned after my husband of 15 years and I went our separate ways. Even though it has been over three decades since my divorce, I still feel the sting of splitting up.

Am I over the divorce? In most ways, yes. Does it still hurt? Definitely.

When I feel happy and successful, my abandonment fears are in remission. However, at other times, I feel that life has served me a double whammy. Twice trusting, twice abandoned.

For the past few years, I’ve focused on adoption recovery.

For the most part, I enjoy a sense of progress in my adoptee’s journey toward wholeness. Some days, however, I feel like Sysiphys, the character in Greek mythology who pushes a massive boulder uphill, reaching the top by sundown but the very next morning starting again at the bottom and pushing uphill all over again.

As I talk with friends about challenges they are facing, I realize that I am not alone. One does not have to be a divorcee or “recovering adoptee” to find life full of problems to be overcome and conundrums that seem to have no end.

And while I am blessed to have wonderful and compassionate friends who are never too busy to listen, the best solution I’ve found is to be my own best friend.

Having said that, I offer five ways to nurture and appreciate yourself:

  1. Let the past be the past. Do not hold grudges against yourself.
  1. Remember, when troubles seem to be ganging up against you, that “Mama said there’d be days like this.”
  1. Be true to YOU. As far as your self-definition is concerned, be an island. Quit comparing yourself unfavorably to others. Jealously isn’t called the “green-eyed monster” for nothing.
  1. Work on fine-tuning your sense of humor. Learn to laugh at yourself.
  1. Remember that YOU are not your thoughts.

Combined, adoption and divorce are potentially lethal.

In fighting the abandonment trap, I’ve decided to not let either throw me off course.

Life is like a river. We can either enjoy the journey, rowing gently down the stream, or we can let our emotions control our thoughts, feeling despair, a vague dissatisfaction and lack of contentment. One very powerful way to row gently down the stream is to treat yourself as you would a dear, cherished friend.

About Elaine

Based in Santa Fe, New Mexico, USA, Elaine Pinkerton is the author of seven books, including The Goodbye Baby, From Calcutta with Love, Beast of Bengal and Santa Fe Blogger.

She publishes a biweekly post for her website www.elainepinkerton.wordpress.com. You can follow her on Twitter @TheGoodbyeBaby. Her books are listed on Amazon uk.co under Elaine Pinkerton.

 

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I Left my Children and my Adulterous Life Behind

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Parental Alienation
Marie Abanga

Here’s an interview with the outspoken author Marie Abanga (My Unconventional Loves) where she speaks frankly about her marriage, adulteries and how she managed to leave her children behind as she escaped her marriage.

Marie, herself an adult child of divorce, has so far led a very atypical life.

Before getting married, Marie got involved with a  Catholic priest in training, a relationship that lasted 2 years.  Marie talks about how the priest kept talking about leaving the seminary to be with her but when she realised that this was never going to happen, she decided to end the relationship.  Unbeknown to her she was already pregnant by him.

With a son and no job and no home of her own, Marie realised that she needed to do something.  Home life was hard so Marie found a man to marry, proposed to him and were soon married.

But from the start that relationship too was marred by in-laws and others and before she knew it, the affairs began.  She became the adulterous woman.

“I left my children behind because I had to.”  She explains something that many find hard to understand or to accept.

And the story goes on all the way to her divorce and beyond.  Marie talks about choosing to leave her children behind.

Marie speaks frankly about her divorce and children and her journey and beyond and where she is today

Marie Abanga author of My Unconventional Loves: My Hurts, My Adulteries, My Redemption

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Helping Divorcing Friends

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Your good friend down the street just told you that she and her husband are divorcing.  You want to give her all of your wisdom and advice. That would really help her….or would it?

The first thing to do is just listen. Really listen.

It is not the time to scare her with what went wrong in your divorce or to bombard your friend with what she ought to do.

Your friend may be numb with shock and wants you as a sounding board so that she can process her emotions.

Respect your friend’s privacy and do not ask him/her for the gory details to satisfy your curiosity.

They may have had a picture perfect marriage on the outside, but what went on behind closed doors was personal. Instead, just be there even if sitting in silence. Let your pal know that you are there for them in whatever way is supportive.

Gently ask if they could use some divorce resources.

The Divorce Magazine’s web site has a tab to click on for resources and mention the informative articles. MeetUp.com has divorce groups in London and in other parts of the UK. MeetUp.com has men’s and women’s groups which can provide camaraderie and interesting activities.

There are various divorce support groups, retreats, and workshops in the UK and elsewhere which can be beneficial. Perhaps check for these online and report back to your friend. I sometimes stumbled around in a fog during divorce and could have used help from friends sourcing this type of support.

divorced friends
Gently ask if they could use some divorce resources.

I had a birthday during the middle of my divorce and people queued up to help me celebrate it. Perhaps have a group celebration for their birthday in the midst of an acrimonious divorce.

Small treats are great, such as a bag of Thornton’s decadent chocolates or a gift card for something fun. Are their kids with the other parent for the first time on a major bank holiday? Invite them over for a festive diversion.

People shared what helped them in their divorces.

When they saw I was about to make a huge mistake, they tactfully told about similar experiences where that potential action just did not work.

Refrain from using the word “should” and use other ones, such as “have you considered…?”

Telling true stories about your own or someone else’s divorce is guidance, not preaching what you think you friend has to do. Be aware of how you come across to a divorcing friend, because dispensing advice can be construed as judgemental of how they are handling things.

I share what supplements, including homeopathic ones, helped me through my divorce and beyond. I let people know about a particular protein drink that helps me when under stress. I bring up the topic of supplements, including nutrition, since I am a nurse. People can take it or leave it. Someone in a different specialty, such as fitness, might bring up beneficial aspects of exercise which can help in divorce.

If your friend expresses frustration or that they feel stuck, ask them if they might consider going to a life or divorce coach. This coach can help them to see where they are stuck and devise strategies to deal with stress and have a smoother divorce. The coach can help a person learn how to face divorce issues and cope with being separated from children part-time.

Help your friend realize that they are not alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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What is Kindness ? The Magic of Kindness

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Domestic Violence Grounds for Divorce
Domestic Abuse – Ending the Paralysis of Shame

When divorce happens, we go through a myriad of emotions and thoughts.  One of the most common thoughts is the one to do with failure.

Anna Pinkerton author of How to Smile Again – a fabulous new book on helping people in public life recover from traumatic break down and founder of  The Magic of Kindness – Challenging brutality of thought & action, talks about the real meaning of kindness to ourselves and how that then permeates the rest of society.

How by starting with our deep thoughts and noticing our train of thoughts, we can then be able to show that same kindness that we cultivate within us to those around us.

Anna is also a clinician art psychotherapist working with people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

What is The Magic of Kindness or the meaning of kindness?

It’s about cultivating an atmosphere of consideration, care and companionship.

Without cultivating a kindness towards ourselves we cannot truly afford kindness towards others.

With The Magic of Kindness, we learn to build a relationship with ourselves by being gentle with our thoughts, our thought processes and our actions.

By doing this and being aware of our sad thoughts, our negative thoughts and deep thoughts for example, we don’t then breathe within us the need to be unkind to others or to elevate ourselves by diminishing and reducing those around us.

So by creating an atmosphere for ourselves that’s more kind and supportive, we produce it for others as well. So acts of kindness cannot truly have their power without there being the process of kindness of thought first.

What is kindness of thought?

You need to become aware of your own brutality of thought and where that brutality of thought comes from?

Kindness of thought is when you accept that you do have thoughts that are not conducive to your own wellbeing. Those “random” thoughts that affect the way we then treat ourselves and hence those around us.

When you become aware of those negative thoughts then you accept that we have had it and not beat ourselves up for having them.

You can change that train of thought by just noticing that that’s what you’ve done, that you have had a brutal thought towards yourself. Notice it without judgement. Then know how to give it up.

Anna Pinkerton talks about her Magic of Kindness workshop. How it came about and why it’s one of the most important journey’s anyone can go through today.

Here’s the interview.  Enjoy and do contact Anna on anna@annapinkerton.com Phone: 07899 688845.

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Can you be Friends with Your Ex?

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Nevine Bentley of Facilitate Family Mediation
Nevine Bentley of Facilitate Family Mediation

In this two part interview, I speak with Nevine Bentley of  Facilitate Family Mediation in Farnham, Surrey about life after divorce and if you can be friends with an ex.

What is great about this interview is that Nevine who used to practice as a family lawyer speaks frankly and candidly about her divorce journey.  She shares her divorce story with us from start to life after divorce.

She and her ex-husband are now good friends but it wasn’t always that way and she admits that it was mainly due to her resentment and anger driven behaviour. Coping with divorce as a single parent wasn’t easy at all, something that most of us can indeed relate to.

Nevine and Roy were married for 22 years when the marriage ended but although it was her choice to leave, it took her 10 years to eventually gather her guts and courage to say it.  It was an extremely difficult time and had to have professional help just for her to bring herself to tell Roy it was over.

Once this was done, she then had to face her friends and family with the news.  Some reactions were indeed as expected but some not so and these unforeseen reactions came from the most unlikely source.

How and why did a 22 year marriage fall apart?  What were the reasons for divorce?

In part 2 of the video, Nevine talks about how she coped during those 10 years of waiting to leave and why she waited so long.  She also talks about how friends can be helped to cope and how they in turn can help you in coping with divorce.

There are two experiences that most divorced people experience.  The first is the social side of going out on your own as a newly single person.

Some of the comments that Nevine got both from male and female friends are indeed hilarious.

The other side of the experience is the whole stigma of divorce and how it plays a role in your social circle as well as personal life.

What has now become my favourite divorce quote is something Nevine says in part two of “Can you be Friends with your Ex?”:

“Even if I really didn’t like the way he behaved with me as my husband or he wasn’t the perfect choice for me anymore, it didn’t mean he wasn’t the perfect choice for the kids because for them he’s their only dad, he was their hero. They didn’t care whether he forgot their school shoes at his house or whatever, they just knew that they love dad.”

Nevine’s divorce story on coping with divorce and dealing with life after divorce is real, honest and straightforward.

Here are the interview videos on “Can you be Friends with your EX?”

So, can you be friends with your ex or are you friends with your ex?

Do you think being friends with your ex is possible or even a good thing?

Nevine is a Resolution trained family mediator and runs her own dedicated mediation practice in Farnham. Nevine brings both this training and a background in law to give fair and balanced assistance to both partners in all aspects of divorce and separation including arrangements for children and finances.

Nevine is able to sensitively bring down barriers and encourage effective communication between separating couples and navigate them to explore options to find mutually acceptable solutions to the issues which remain unresolved between them.

 Nevine is qualified to undertake Mediation Information Assessment Meetings (MIAMs)

 Nevine is able to offer out of hours appointments seven days a week. She is a member of Resolution and The Family Mediation Council and The Collaborative Family Law Group (http://collaborativelawgroup.co.uk/content/group)

 

 

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Losing Friends after Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce weeds out superficial people and reveals true friends.

People whom you consider your exclusive pals – may latch onto your spouse if he/she is the more valuable commodity.

I had two friends whom I met up with regularly. One completely dropped me when my divorce commenced because my husband was helping her with a small business problem.

The other one contacted my husband in the midst of our divorce to write a letter of recommendation but did it in a sneaky way. It was safer to cut ties with her since she had a tendency not to respect confidences.

Divorce forces one to take stock of friendships and if one does not seem right, then to disengage from it.

Midway through Tess’s acrimonious divorce, her long-time friend, Rhonda stopped taking calls and initiating contact. This was quite puzzling to Tess until her sons later found out during visitation, that their father and Rhonda had become a couple.

Rhonda had decided to go after the vacant position of doctor’s wife and they got married a bit after the divorce was finalized. Tess claimed she felt grateful that she was not going to be spending more time and energy on someone who did not deserve it.

Have you been hanging onto friends out of habit?

We often take relationships for granted and divorce has a way of shaking them up. Evaluate whom you want to have in your life and who is draining your energy. The diva and drama queen may not be worth your limited time and attention. If they are not giving you support in this traumatic transition, consider distancing yourself. Gently say you are currently unavailable in this divorce situation.

Losing Friends after Divorce
The friends that were supportive during my divorce have become more important.

When you have shared details of abuse in your marriage, and these friends still voice “I love you both”, cut ties – or at least let the friendship peter out on its own.

This is hurtful and disrespectful to what you endured. When people have links to your soon-to-be ex or his family, personal information could reach their ears.

You do not want this to throw a spanner in the works when deep in divorce negotiations.

The friends that were supportive during my divorce have become more important. Our relationships have grown closer either due to their kindness or by having more time after letting go of the energy vampires in my life. I have joined MeetUp.com and met new acquaintances who bring laughter and joy post-divorce.

Expect to mourn friends that you have lost or have distanced themselves from you as a result of divorce. It is disconcerting to discover that people whom you thought were permanent fixtures in your life – are not anymore. Realize that grief has various stages including anger, which eventually leads to acceptance.

Sometimes friends hover on the side lines not knowing what to do or say. This may come across as uncaring, when in reality is just being clueless about how to be supportive. It is okay to ask for help and give these people something specific, such as let’s get together bi-weekly for lattes.

On the flip side, if friends are too intrusive or judgemental, explain that you are not up to discussing that issue. You do not owe anyone an explanation and feel free to walk away and remove yourself from that situation. I found that there is balance in life. I lost some friends, but gained closer relationships with the ones that remained.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK.

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divorce facts

10 Things to Know About Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce is a life transition that generates permanent changes.

One can never go back – only forward. Divorce affects finances, relationships and career choices.

It can be a positive catalyst for a metamorphosis.

  • Divorce is not a linear process, one can back track, hit a speed bump or nearly get derailed. My husband and I were in the collaborative process and he suddenly dropped out when it did not go as he expected. We had to start over with new solicitors for litigation. Then he decided to return to collaborative and luckily our original solicitors let us pick up where we left off from before.
  • Divorce does not have to mean only negative changes –but can push people in a positive direction. Maribel was a stay-at-home mum who was bored out of her mind and felt unfulfilled. Getting a divorce forced her back into the working world. She opted for a lesser paying job in retail and is ecstatic about life. Maribel is much more vibrant now, than I ever observed in her marriage. Two co-workers lead busy, fulfilled lives now that they are divorced.
  • Divorce has an end point. My maintenance and child support have finished which means contact with my ex is 100% in the past. I will be moving and can totally close that chapter of my life. Other people’s end point may be when their divorce is finalized, especially when there is a Clean Break. The divorce process seemed endless at the time, but it helped when folks said that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
  • Get centred, clear your mind and think through your choices and decisions. I made stupid missteps in a panic – rather than stating “Let me think about it and get back to you.” An issue can be tabled until the next mediation/collaborative session – or you could send an e-mail the following day with your decision. Reacting quickly, instead of mulling it over can haunt you in the future.
  • Get the necessary experts on the divorce team. If it seems as if some assets are missing, then get a forensic accountant
    about divorce
    Hidden strength will bubble up and get you through tough negotiations.

    on board. In an acrimonious divorce, a custody evaluator may be brought in to do an extensive study to determine the percentage of shared care between parents.

  • There are support groups available to enable you to make it through the arduous divorce process. The Divorce Magazine has a link to helpful resources including parenting ones, on the web site. Conduct your own online search to discover ones in your locale. Talking to others going through divorces gave me support and I felt less alone.
  • It is normal to feel that you cannot take much more stress without exploding. People interviewed expressed that they were surprised that they got through divorce without a nervous breakdown. In our crazy divorce, the two solicitors mandated that we each see a designated life coach for at least one session. My husband brought his to one collaborative session and that made for a smoother meeting with less tension for all of us.
  • You will discover traits that you did not realize that you possessed. Hidden strength will bubble up and get you through tough negotiations. You will discover your resilience which helps you to be flexible and bend like a pine tree rather than being rigid like the mighty oak and breaking in a storm.
  • A Family Law solicitor said if one party is pleased in the divorce – then something is not fair. When both people are unhappy about the asset division, then it is fair. I made sure I got the few things that I really desired, the water colour painting of our deceased cat, plus several other items. I refused to get in a battle over our joint personal property which resulted in my husband letting me have a bit more. Hold out for what you really want in the personal property division and do not haggle over every little thing. Not worth the time, increased legal fees and anxiety.
  • You may be at loggerheads with each other during divorce, but may like each other down the road. Some former couples are friends and even have get-togethers with the new spouses. This is really lovely for the children during the holidays when this happens. Memory has the trick of glossing over the unpleasant parts and this is helpful after divorce.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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divorce papers when dealing with divorce

I want a Divorce!

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Hearing your spouse utter the words, “I want a divorce,” is unbelievable. What to do when you are informed that your spouse is leaving you. If you think you did not correctly hear what was said, ask for it to be repeated.

Banish the impulse to throw the nearest piece of furniture at his head. An assault charge will not help your situation.

My spouse’s female acquaintance suggested that I take all of his clothes and have a big bonfire in the backyard. Friends had more drastic ideas.

Resist doing something in a rage, because that may impact your divorce proceedings.

Try to act calmly and feel free to ask the questions that pop into your head. “When did you decide upon this? Could we discuss this with a marriage counsellor first? Why did you not mention that you were unhappy? Are you seeing someone else and how long has it been?”

If your spouse asks you to move out of the marital home, refuse (except in an abuse situation).

Check first with your solicitor about this, especially when children are involved.

I stayed in our house through most of the divorce and my husband was required to pay the mortgage and I only paid the utilities. Your rent or monthly mortgage may be paid as part of the interim support. The person with a job or high income pays interim support in most cases.

If your spouse walks right out the door, go to the bank and withdraw some cash (no more than half) out of your joint account and save the receipt. You will require money for living expenses before meeting with a solicitor or mediator. Hopefully you have a credit card in your own name, because your spouse may promptly drop you as a co-signer on his card.

Ask around for an experienced family law solicitor/mediator and check online for more information regarding the person you select. This professional can get joint assets frozen if your spouse is apt to plunder funds.

You are in shock. Some people described this period as having an out of body experience. It was as if they were in a calm place not feeling any emotions, while their bodies were on autopilot doing necessary tasks. You may want to temporarily stay at your parents’ or friend’s place. Or after you spouse departs have someone stay with you, particularly when there are children and pets at home.

I stumbled around Disneyland mumbling to strangers that my husband left me. Luckily these kind people were supportive to me in my zombie-like state. My sons and I later met with my friend’s family and I was showered with spa products. That gave me the nudge to nurture and pamper myself in this turbulent time. Allow people to do the same for you and accept their generosity. Gather your support system around you.

Be sure to click on the Resources link on The Divorce Magazine’s web site for organizations who can provide immediate help and guidance. I asked divorced friends right away about how to survive the divorce process. I put their great advice and tips in a book.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Divorce a Career Killer?

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Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Recently, my ex and I along with 2 other couples appeared in The Times Magazine on divorce in your 40s.  What was interesting about this piece was that each one of the ladies had gone on to work in the area of divorce in one capacity or other.

I continue my work as a Child Therapist but eventually founded The Divorce Magazine, while Nevine Bentley went on to do law and train as a Family Mediator and Suzy Miller created a few products including The Alternative Divorce Directory.

Well, you’ve heard it said once, you’re heard it said twice and I will say it here again – divorce is like a death.

Just like a marriage and becoming a parent, you cannot plan your divorce nor know how it feels or how you will cope (or not) until you weather that storm.

When you go through divorce that’s when you get to know exactly what you are capable off, the good and the bad and the just plain ugly.

You get to see what others have been through and realise that there are indeed something things in life that are very capable of knocking you sideways and propelling you into a land that you never had any intention of visiting let alone residing in.

Yet here you are. In the land of inner pain, anger, resentment with a touch of relief and anticipation for what the future holds. A place where concentration, sleep disturbance and appetite attack are all names of avenues, street and roads.

Welcome to the land of “The Divorced Working Mum.”

20 years later and I still recall how one of my daughter’s nursery teachers came to school one Monday morning looking tired, worn out and red-eyed.

I can tell you that we all noticed because she was always the best groomed teacher of them all. As it turned out, her husband had just left her and the children (2 children under 9) that weekend. She was not the I-am-in-control teacher whom we used to see. That one had left.

Divorce a career killer?
Is your divorce steering you towards a different career?

Mrs A, let’s call her, stayed on for another couple of weeks but eventually had to leave and take a much needed break. She went to see her parents…and never came back.

So what happens when you find yourself divorced and the main carer of your children? How does that affect your career or work prospects?

For me personally, my divorce experiences steered me to working in a totally different way than I had anticipated. I had two children and no family around to help. I had to drop out of courses during divorce number one and had to quit one job during divorce number two and opt for a part-time position that was paying me not only a fraction of my previous salary but that was also mind-numbingly dull.

In the meantime, my ex-husbands, had the support and help from their work places. They could work long hours if they wanted to because they didn’t have to get home in time to pick up their children from school and look after them.

They were encouraged to take time off if they needed to and they both chose not to opting instead to keep busy, as busy as they could.

But without taking that break and accepting that help, they both ended up burned out and with great difficulty performing at work. Both eventually changed jobs. They too, were steered into another direction by their painful experiences of divorce.

I recently read this quote in Oprah Magazine, an article by Martha Beck:

“If you’ve had a run of horrible luck, you can tell yourself you’re being tortured or punished. Or you can decide you’re being steered.”

So did my two divorces kill my career?

That’s the story I held for a long time. That’s the belief that I carried with me for a long while until one day, I realised that, the divorces shifted me to where I am today, doing what I love.

Remember that mind-numbingly dull job I ended up in? Well if it wasn’t for that job and it’s dreariness, I wouldn’t have taken the huge risk of resigning and working for myself.  I had to do something.  I just couldn’t stay there.

I am now working with children and families affected by divorce, trauma and loss and I am pursing my other love and passion, which is writing. I work for myself. I control my days and hours. That is what has worked for my children and I.

So is divorce a career killer?  Will it be yours?

Divorce will affect the way you work and perform, at least initially.

As already mentioned, there are many parts of your inner world and being that no longer function as you knew them to namely your concentration which can be affected by your emotions which are affected by your thoughts which then play a role in determining your actions.

The one piece of advice I could give anyone going through divorce to do is to take time off.  Do ask for help and take it and accept it when it is offered.  Ok, that’s more than one but they are all important.

Only when you take care of yourself will you be able to see things clearly as you will be creating the space to do so. This is no time to be warrior woman or warrior man.

If you are employed then speak with your boss, let someone in the office know what is going on in your personal life. If you are now the main carer of your children, find out what work options there are for you.

Divorce encourages you to reassess your current situation to find and discover very creative ways to get time with your children, earn some money and look after yourself.

It’s not easy. We love spending time with our little ones but bills need to be paid.

But here you are. The change has come. You are being steered. Which way will you go? What will you do? What can you do? Know your options and take it from there.

 

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Embracing Change (when you’d rather hide away)

Published on
Mary-Work-your-way
Business Mentor, Coach and Founder of Work your Way

It’s a brand new year. An ideal opportunity to set new goals and plan ahead for exciting new projects.

But if last year was a challenging, or even distressing one for you, you might feel yourself teetering towards a new turning point in your life.

Almost like coming to a crossroads.

I actually think it’s a little scary when you reach a crossroads in your life. Unchartered territory stretched out before you.

Which path will you take?

There’s that fleeting moment, or two, when you run through little scenarios in your mind.

When you worry about taking the wrong path.

Worry about screwing it all up.

Not being able to make things right again afterwards.

And then having to explain it all away, when you’ve got egg on your face and feel a complete and utter idiot.

All so emotionally draining.

I remember that feeling only too well, back in 2005.

I was a couple of months into my maternity leave, having just had my second child, when one day I picked up a call from a colleague.

Had I heard the news? We were all in for the chop!

The whole department – considered a boutique and surplus to requirements – was going to be disbanded.

I went from looking forward to ‘a little time off’ to bond with my new born, secure in the knowledge that I’d return to my cushy little marketing job, to wondering where on earth I’d filed the latest copy of my resumé.

Where would I find work now? Would I have to take a pay cut? How would I afford the nursery fees?

Sudden and unexpected change, can be momentarily disorienting.

But as scary as it can be, you can start  embracing change and even learn to enjoy it.

Here’s how.

Small steps in the right direction

I think it’s important to realise that when you venture out into a new direction, the answers don’t have to come to you all at once.

Embracing change
Make the most out of this year before you.

“It is better to take many small steps in the right direction than to make a great leap forward only to stumble backward.” Old Chinese Proverb

I love that proverb.

To me, the ‘right direction’ doesn’t necessarily mean a definite destination point. It can simply mean the right decision for you at that moment in time.

There doesn’t even have to be a right or wrong answer, you can enjoy the process of learning, uncovering and discovering along the way.

When I finally decided that redundancy could be a blessing in disguise and to give self-employment a go, I identified what I thought were my most transferrable skills at the time – writing, presentation design, marketing, people skills, to name just a few.

But for a long time afterwards, I honestly didn’t know what to do with them or how best to use them – much less make money with them.

It was a process of taking lots of little steps and following my inkling – testing things out, giving it a go, poking around forums, asking questions, networking, learning new skills on the fly, adapting them, honing them.

I’ve ended up with a business that bears little resemblance to the one I started out with.

But that’s okay.

I’ve learnt so much along the way, and able to serve others far better because of it.

When you tell yourself you’ll take it one small step at a time, there’s no pressure to ‘succeed’.

Make that first step a trip to your local bookshop to treat yourself to a beautiful journal.

The second step, an afternoon to yourself where you can explore your thoughts and jot down some ideas. Not plans. Just ideas. Dig out some magazines, newspaper cuttings, watch a movie – anything that helps to lift your mood and inspire you.

Give yourself time. You’ll get there.

Don’t write off mistakes as a #fail

We’re made to feel uncomfortable with the idea of failure, and so we try to avoid making mistakes at all costs.

But Tim Harford, in his new book ‘Adapt: Why Success Always Starts with a Failure”, argues a strong case for leveraging trial and error to better equip us for success.

In fact, he believes that we need failure in order to succeed.

“Accepting trial and error means accepting error. It means taking problems in our stride when a decision doesn’t work out, whether through luck or misjudgment. And that is not something human brains seem to be able to do without a struggle.”

There are well document examples of the world’s most successful people who have failed, at times more than once.

So failure needn’t be something to be ashamed of at all.

It’s what you choose to do afterwards – or perhaps in spite of it – that counts.

It could lead to something remarkable.

 Draw upon others for help and support

It’s not a sign of weakness if you recognise that you need support with where you want to be in life.

There are many situations in everyday life where we readily accept that we need an expert’s help or opinion – from the mundane (a plumber) to something far more serious (our GP).

Yet when it comes to a crisis in our personal life, our place of employment or our business, we battle alone valiantly, because we feel we should be able to cope.

Who can you call upon for help, to support you, to gee you up when you feel you’re flagging, to hold you accountable when you want to achieve something specific.

Whether it’s a friend, mentor or coach, it can be so reassuring to know that you have someone there by your side, who wants you to be the very best you can be.

Make the most out of this year before you.

It CAN be your year.

It can be a wonderful year.

Mary Cummings is an entrepreneur, business mentor, coach and founder of Mary Cummings Services dedicated to helping people create work that they love – whether it’s starting a business from scratch or monetising a hobby – her aim is to help them do it successfully and profitably.

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coping with divorce
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Coping with Divorce from the Start

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

So divorce has come knocking at your door and has finally come in.

If you’re certain that this is what you want then read on.  Coping with divorce from the start can help reduce much of the pain, hurt and stress that comes with dealing with divorce and the whole divorce process.

There are fights and arguments so terrible that you feel like you will never forgive this person.

You cannot believer the words that are coming out of his mouth and you cannot believe that she could be so vulgar and nasty!

There are financial issues so huge that you believe you will never overcome them.

Your level of mistrust is high, and for probably for good reason, so you need to be vigilant and aware that right now, it’s every man for himself.  You don’t want to be cheated off anything that is rightfully yours and neither does your partner.

That’s what divorce is about – but it doesn’t have to remain that way from here onwards.

You will need to start putting some things into place to make sure that this divorce doesn’t totally overwhelm you and your children.

As Maya Angelou put it:

Nothing works unless you do.

So here are some tips to help you through this time and beyond.  Just keep them in mind as you go:

  • The divorce is not you. Avoid looking at the divorce as part of you. Instead look at it as something that is happening outside of you. Don’t attach yourself to it despite all the emotions and pain. Look at it from the outside in.
  • Your partner’s determination to hurt you is part of the process, unfortunately so don’t take it personally. People fight back when “attacked.” You are fighting back too. If you can learn to accept that your partner is reacting in a way that is normal given the circumstances then you learn how not to take it personally which in turn helps with dealing with the journey with less hurt and malice and do so instead in a more practical way.
  • Moving on from Divorce
    Shelley Whitehead – one of the best divorce coaches I know.

    Accept what is going on. It is happening and there is no turning back. This helps deal with the whole thing more objectively and practically. It is what it is.

  • Accept and acknowledge that you too played a role in the break-up of your marriage. You absolutely need to accept this because if you don’t then you will very, very likely repeat the same mistakes that you in the your next relationship and the next and the next.  There’s power in being self-aware.
  • Always, always, always make sure that the children are as all right as possible. If you’re finding it hard to cope then get someone to help you along the way; a friend, relative or a good and reputable divorce coach like the wonderful Shelley Whitehead.
  • You have to decide to get better. You need to have that determination that you will get over this without believing that “getting over this” equates jumping into the next relationship as fast and as quick as possible. Get over this while single, work on yourself, know and understand why this marriage ended and how you helped it get there.
  • Don’t go out there like a warrior.  If you’re hurting, hurt away.  If you want to cry and lock yourself in a world where no one else can enter – apart from the children – then do so.  Feel those emotions, go through them as much as you need but don’t stay with them for the rest of your life. Deal, feel and move on.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

You might be interested in

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