coping with divorce - Page 15

how to stop stress eating
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How to Stop Stress Eating and Comfort Eating

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Jules Anderson
Jules Anderson Integrative Health & Nutrition Coach

I read somewhere recently that we are starting to live so far outside our bodies that we are almost a race of walking heads!

We are so ruled by the relentless chatter of our minds that we treat our bodies as something we have to consciously think about, judge and control.

Science is now increasingly showing that our thoughts and emotions are inextricably linked to our bodies (there are over 100 million brain cells in our guts!) – so tuning into your emotions and your physical body can be both illuminating and helpful.

Start to become aware of when you are using your mind and brain to tell yourself how things “should” be or what you “should” be doing. And instead, try to to tune in to your body – to really feel whats going on – both in your emotions and in physically.

You will start to become more aware of when you are using food to numb out the pain – and then be able to more naturally move towards better choices.

Slow down

When we are under any type of emotional stress our metabolism really slows down. And eating on the move or eating whilst working doubles the load put on our digestive systems.

So carve out a little space in your day. And sit down to eat. Even if you are having take-out sandwiches, put them on a plate, sit away from you desk, breathe and focus on enjoying the food. You will eat less and enjoy it much more.

How to Stop Stress Eating
Having take-out sandwiches? Put them on a plate.

Savour

Eat more slowly – chew properly and really taste your food. And I mean really taste it, savour it, appreciate every mouthful.

It’s so easy to eat without tasting these days – we are all scarfing down food so fast, on the move, in a rush to get somewhere or finish the to-do list that its easy to eat a whole meal without really tasting it.

Excitingly, science is now discovering that saliva contains important substances that can help pain relief and depression. So chewing well is not only going to help you avoid weight gain and digestive problems, but actually makes you happier.

Use all your senses

Really effective digestion uses all the senses. The more you see, touch and smell your food before eating the more revved up your digestion will be (mouth watering anyone?).

It sounds cliched, but sitting in nice surroundings, with your food on pretty plates can make a big difference.

And “eating the rainbow” not only ensures that you are getting a great mix of different nutrients, but a bright and colourful plate of food is far more appetising (again revving up all your digestive enzymes) than a bland bowl of non-descript colour.

Textures can also help. I’m a big fan of comfort food, but a scattering of nuts & seeds can perk up a big bowl of soup or risotto. A scattering of cold goats cheese on a warm sweet potato or a spritz of lime juice on a smooth avocado. These unexpected textures bring a zing that will help to get your digestive juices vibrating.

Become more tactile in everything you do. Be aware of the materials and textures that surround you. Choose beautiful natural materials whenever you can. Be aware of the sense of them on your skin. Tuning in to the feel of things and how they make you feel is a huge step in moving away from the crazy chatter in your head.

Find the pleasure

Don’t force yourself to eat things you don’t like. This isn’t an excuse to binge out on pies or biscuits. But if you don’t like kale for goodness sake don’t force yourself to eat it. Do explore and experiment. But eat the foods you really love.

I find that for so many people, once they explore feeling more, they naturally start to eat in a way that makes them feel better. And start to find processed foods and ready meals a lot less enjoyable. We are so used to cooking quickly and eating quickly that we often don’t realise that the taste and the texture of what we are eating is really not very pleasant.

Most of my clients are amazed at how oblivious they have been to how they are feeling and the effect that food can have on this. And conversely how their emotions have been deeply affecting food choices. And are delighted at how much better they feel when they consciously tune into their bodies more.

There is a saying that what you focus on grows. If you consciously focus on things that you love and enjoying those you will be amazed at the effects on your weight, your health and your happiness.

 

Jules Anderson is a mother and integrative health & nutrition coach, helping busy, overwhelmed and exhausted parents and professionals lose weight, look younger and feel healthier & happier.

With a 1st class Honours Chemistry degree from Edinburgh University, and many years of personal study and exploration, she went on to train with the Institute of Integrative Nutrition in New York, with pioneers in the health industry such as Deepak Chopra, Andrew Weill and Mark Hyman.

Jules also qualified as a yoga teacher at The Yoga Academy with internationally acclaimed yoga teacher Simon Low and integrates many relaxation techniques into her programmes. She is a firm believer in great food and eating what you love!

You can contact Jules at jules@feelglorious.com

 

 

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Health in turbulent times
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Finding Balance, Peace & Health in Turbulent Times

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Jules Anderson
Jules Anderson Health and Nutrition Coach

Going through a divorce or a difficult break-up is well documented as “one of the most stressful life events we are ever likely to experience”.

For most of us, this statement doesn’t even begin to touch on the emotional turbulence that we can find ourselves in – a turmoil that can be very difficult to navigate. And the repercussions can seep into our whole lives.

As a health and nutrition coach, I so often find my clients reacting to the hurt, anger and distress of their personal situations with a negative attitude towards themselves and their health.

Thrown into unfamiliar territory and extremes of emotion, we can become worried, scared and often ashamed – frequently turning this against ourselves. And most often this is completely unconscious.

If you find yourself numbing yourself out with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s / bottle of wine or slumped in front of the tv with a takeaway “because I deserve it”, the reality is that it’s often a form of hiding or denial.

On the other extreme we often attempt to show the world we are coping – switching into our “I Will Survive” mode, usually fuelled with coffee, sugar, alcohol and stimulants.

But this rollercoaster of highs and lows wreaks havoc with our bood sugar, with our moods and with our health. And it doesn’t ever resolve the feelings of anger & distress. We can find ourselves gaining weight, finding trouble concentrating, unable to sleep and generally feeling like we want to snap the head of anybody who dares to come near.

It is incredibly important at times like these to look after ourselves well. I’m all for a bit of pampering – but it is really important to learn to discern when the pampering is true caring and when it is really just a way of numbing out the pain.

Dieting, denying ourselves, or imposing strict new regimes at times of real distress rarely works – its too punishing.

But neither does abandoning all boundaries. A more gentle approach to introducing new habits can really help bring some peace and balance back into your life, so that you can begin to take steps forward.

There are lots of really effective ways to start to redress this balance – to smooth away the jagged edges and gently coax your body and emotions back into a more tranquil and pleasurable place. I would like to share a couple of them here.

 

PART ONE 1- Calm the turbulent emotional seas – with food

Divorce and break up are times of extremes. Extreme sadness, extreme anger – and often extreme distress. Day to day living on this see-saw of energy will wear you out. Understanding the part that food plays in exacerbating this is the first stage in gently bringing yourself back to balance.

divorce and health
Health in Turbulent Times: A glass of prosecco with a friend is ok.

In Eastern traditions, from Ayurveda to Traditional Chinese Medicine, there is a deeper understanding and respect for the energy of different foods and their effect on your body – both physical and emotional.

The basic principles are broadly the same.

Foods at one end of the scale have a heavy (or ‘yang’) energy – and include meat, fats, salt and dairy.  In moderation these foods are grounding and can make us feel nourished and satisfied (think of a hearty beef stew in winter). But too much will make us sluggish, blocked, tired and low.

At the other end of the scale, lighter ‘yin’ foods include sugar, coffee, alcohol and stimulants. In moderation these can be energising, like a good cup of coffee with breakfast or a glass of prosecco with a friend. But too much of these can cause you to become scattered, restless, wired and anxious.

It’s a bit like a see-saw. The majority of us live bouncing wildly between the two extremes of this scale.

For example, salty nuts will make us want more alcohol. Too much sugar and coffee all day has us desperate for a huge plate of pasta in the evening. Too much of one extreme leaves us craving the other – creating a vicious cycle of craving and addiction.

 

Health in turblent timesHeavy:  Meat, Sweets, Cakes, Eggs, Cheese, Salt

Heavy/Balanced:  Fish, Poultry, Whole Grains, Nuts, Seeds

Balanced: Vegetables, Oils

Balanced/Light:  Beans, Fruit, Root Veg

Light:  Sugar, Coffee, Alcohol

 

Whilst a little of everything is fine for most people, the most effective way to start to feel more calm and settled is to choose predominantly foods at the centre of this energy scale.

And if you do want to eat from the far ends, don’t overdo it – and make sure you balance it with some foods from the other end.

This might sound complicated to start with, but once you start to explore and pay attention to the difference this makes – both to your body and your emotions, you will you will find yourself naturally veering towards choices that make you feel better.

There is a great quote that says “how you are with anything is how you are with everything”.

Never is this more true than with food. The more you start to feel calm and balanced in your food choices, without forcing it, the more you will see this reflected in other areas of your life.

 

Jules Anderson BSc (Hons), Dip ITEC, CHHC

Jules is a mother and integrative health & nutrition coach, helping busy, overwhelmed and exhausted parents and professionals lose weight, look younger and feel healthier & happier.

With a 1st class Honours Chemistry degree from Edinburgh University, and many years of personal study and exploration, she went on to train with the Institute of Integrative Nutrition in New York, with pioneers in the health industry such as Deepak Chopra, Andrew Weill and Mark Hyman.

Jules also qualified as a yoga teacher at The Yoga Academy with internationally acclaimed yoga teacher Simon Low and integrates many relaxation techniques into her programmes. She is a firm believer in great food and eating what you love!

 

 

photo credit: 06 janvier 2008 Repas Champagne ! (8) via photopin (license)

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naptime
Remember to nap whenever you can.

What I Learned from Divorce – Caroline Palmy

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Caroline Palmy
Caroline Palmy

“Many of us are unaware of the new life that is available to us after a breakup. For many of us, we’ve lost ourselves and our power in the process of breaking up, and sometimes much earlier in the relationship. Because we’ve been so wrapped up in the breakup, we often don’t realize that we’ve been handed a golden opportunity for a whole new life of freedom and the possibility of unprecedented happiness, fulfillment and love that’s on the other side of this passageway we’re navigating.”

 ~ Katherine Woodward Thomas

I found this quote on Facebook the other day, and I feel this wraps my story up so nicely. Yes I know, I wouldn’t have wanted to hear this 5 years ago neither.

It was December 31st 2008 when my marriage fell apart. I was shattered, I was devastated and I felt like the rug was just pulled away from underneath me.

Luckily I had my three kids (12, 8 and 5 years of age at that time) to look after, so I had a purpose, I couldn’t just fall apart.

I went into autopilot – holding it all together, far too well and far too long, till I neared a breakdown and a depression 2 years later. It was liberating!

I could finally let go, and my kids appreciated me showing feelings, and as much as they probably loved the stability at the beginning, they could relate much more to me going through the loss, than to the stoic Mum, I became after the separation.

So please look after yourself, you are the most important person in your life, and for the sake of your children, stay well. Get help, whenever possible, and get some down time on your own, you need it. You are suffering a loss, the loss of your marriage, and you need time to grief. Ask friends, family and neighbours, they are sure happy to help you, and assist you.

Don’t be shy and it is not a weakness to ask for help (I had to learn that myself), it is perfectly normal and it shows great strength indeed.

Here is what I learned from divorce.

You are enough

Please just be yourself, that is more than enough. I tried to be Mum and Dad for far too long, and then I tried to be a Super Mum, none of which really worked. Just be yourself, and look after yourself. You are more than enough just the way you are. Enjoy finding your own unique way with your kids, establish new routines, enjoy outings together. Just do whatever your heart tells you. Never forget, you are wonderful.

Simplify your life

what I learned from divorce
Remember to nap whenever you can.

I realized that when I, once in a while, chose to cook frozen veggies, because I had no time for chopping up fresh ones, my life was fuller with love. I had more time for my kids, I had more time for myself, and I felt more alive thanks to it.

Look at your daily chores, at your weekly to do list, where can you downsize, what is really necessary, and where can you sneak in some you time?

Enjoy reading a book, or chatting to a friend over the phone, having a bath, or just be, treasure those times, and make them a priority in your life, remember you are going through a major life changing event, a loss, you need time to mourn and heal.

Finding yourself

When my marriage broke apart, I woke up from a 20 year deep slumber. I was together with that man for half my life, and I had no idea, who I, as a person, was. I have been a wife and then later a mum for most of my life, and I have lost track of the woman I could be.

So I started a wonderful journey to discover myself. What did I like, what did I want? I always wanted to do Yoga, so beginning of 2009 seemed a very good time to start just that.

Is there anything you like to do, always wanted to do, except you never found the time nor courage to do? Go ahead do it now, discover yourself, do you fancy taking Art Classes, playing an instrument, singing, any kind of sport, go ahead, go for it, you deserve it. Explore yourself.

I soon found it very liberating just to be responsible for myself, not having to compromise anymore. Being in a marriage or any relationship it is always a compromise, I gave myself up far too easily, and to an unbelievable extend, that I had no idea, who I was, when I was on my own, fortunately the journey to myself was just more rewarding indeed.

What music do I like to listen to, where do I like to go, what do I like to cook/eat, and so on….,

Also with the children, I found an even bigger bond with them, and I could take things much easier; they didn’t have to be in bed, before Daddy was home, I was far more relaxed, and for that a much better mum.

Now looking at them, I am so proud of what we all have become, not only did I find myself, by doing so, I set a great role model for my kids, to find themselves also, they are more mature and more self assured, than they were years ago. We are a wonderful family, the four of us, and we have a tremendous bond, and truly value each other.

 Accepting what is

One of my biggest lessons was to accept things the way they are, and not the way they are supposed to be. My ex husband was never much involved with the kids, so it came as no surprise, that when he was gone, that this won’t change.

I knew from books that it is supposed to be very important for the children to have regular contact with their father, and I really wanted the best for my kids, so I ‘enforced’ that, alas it didn’t work out that way, and I had to accept that every divorce is unique, and every mother and father is unique, as are the children and each situation.

Now my kids see their father 2 or 3 times a year for dinner, and that is ok. This is the best arrangement for us, especially for the children, and I really appreciate it this way. Please do whatever is best for your family situation, there is never a set course, go with your heart and enjoy what you have and accept the whatnots, and be flexible as to both of them.

Finding help

Not only is your marriage falling apart, but so is your former circle of friends.

Unfortunately that is the truth.

Find new friends, and you will also find people who are or were going through the same as you, and that is probably the best for you, so you can exchange stories, and feel moral and emotional support.

Let’s face it, only people who have gone through a divorce truly know, what you are going through, it’s like with kids, people without kids know theory, however, when it comes down to basics….., only people with kids can truly understand you.

Find friends to Support youBe wary of all the horror stories of divorce, yes it is a painful process, and yes it is hard, but it never has to end in drama, either just listen to the information, but if it wears you down, you probably have to stand away from Divorce Drama, and find other less dramatic people to spend time with.

It’s like when you were first pregnant, there were people telling you horrible painful stories of labour and birth, did you really want to hear this, being pregnant with your first? No, so this time, just say No thank you.

Also talk to your children’s teacher, so you and your kids get the support from the school, sometimes they have counselors, or talk to Soila, a wonderful divorce companion. Often it is wonderful to speak to an outsider, it is very liberating. 

Taking one step after another

Yes I was tired, and exhausted and often wondered, whether I can go on, and whether this was all worth it. Yes you can, and yes it is, but get some rest whenever possible, and just remember putting one foot in front of the other, is all that is needed, one step at a time. Yes I know, looking forward and not seeing an end in sight is weary so look back and pat yourself on the shoulder for how far you have already come!

Sometimes we forget how far we have come already, and once we realize this and praise ourselves for it, it gets much easier to keep going. And YES believe me, YOU can do it!

I wish you all the best from the bottom of my heart, and as hard as it is, see it as an experience, a life lesson to be learnt, and know, it will get better eventually

Warm hugs and much love

Caroline

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Single Parenting – You’re Probably a much Better Parent Now

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller Author of The Global Guide to Divorce

It may come as a big surprise to discover that you are a better parent post-divorce.

Being in a toxic marriage sucks the energy right out of you – so there is less available for the children. Youngsters are smart, so may act up to get your limited attention when you are still wed.

After my divorce was finalized, I truly could then focus on my sons. Even my cats seem to appreciate the extra time we spend together post-divorce. I did not realize that being in survival mode meant trying to avoid conflict rather than being spontaneous. Now my sons and I can be vagabonds traipsing around the planet – budget and time permitting.

Single parenting brings a flexibility which allows going to the cinema on the spur of the moment or indulging in an impromptu picnic.

I do not have to check with the other parent or plan events far in advance.

Instead of viewing life as an obstacle course, it is an adventure with serendipitous moments post-divorce.

My sons give this feedback about single parenthood. They claim I listen to them intently now which in turn enables them to feel more valued. We discuss our lives in depth instead of merely skimming the surface as was done pre-divorce.

As a stressed out married mum, I was more of a dictator echoing my German grandfather’s “and that’s that,” instead of hearing what the boys had to say. Although I set boundaries and make the rules – I am more willing to get the lads’ points of view in this new chapter of our lives.

single parenting
Single parenting and spur of the moment outings

Single parents told me that they became more patient in the post-divorce period and do not get angry over every little thing. Being in a toxic marriage was like having road rage. One is angry in general and perceived infractions can put one over the edge leading to explosions. Anger builds walls around people and understanding with compassion tears them down.

Another adjective used after a break up was “relaxed.” Parents said they felt relaxed since no longer doing verbal combat with a spouse in a war zone.

Reduced tension in the home helps the kids to be relaxed too. Relaxed people are easier to be around which encourages more family time in this pleasanter atmosphere. Tension has the opposite effect and scatters family members to their own places of safety.

Post-divorce there was more fun and laughter in our lives. We could even giggle at our mistakes and not take ourselves so seriously.  Instead of hiding our screw ups as we did in the past, they were a source of hilarity.

After being a single parent, my sons and I became more open and could admit when we goofed and ask for help and advice from each other. This increased our enjoyment of being together.

As I developed into a stronger, more reliant person, this had the ripple effect on my sons. They became more independent and self-reliant.

On this journey of becoming a single parent, my boys were right at my side and we were a source of support to each other. If I had stayed in that bad marriage, I never would have gotten to really know my sons.

If I knew divorce would be such a positive thing for my sons and me, it would have happened much earlier. In the post-divorce period, notice the improved aspects of your relationship with your kids and the positives in this transition.

Wendi Schuller - Global Guide to Divorce

 

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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amicable divorce

How to Have an Amicable Divorce

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Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A key piece to having an amicable divorce is what is happening pre-divorce.

If discussing whether or not to part-ways, do it in a calm manner without assigning blame.

Use I statements to describe your feelings and unhappiness with the marital situation. Respecting each other is the cornerstone of having an amicable divorce.

If you are the one delivering the news, try to have compassion for your spouse and do it in a gentle way. Think about what brought you two together in the first place and what characteristics that you like about them.

This helps in seeing the big picture where divorce is part of what happens in your relationship, but does not end it. Some couples become better friends after divorce, especially when the process is conducted with integrity.

Select a friendlier type of divorce such as family mediation or a collaborative one.

Litigation in court is adversarial where one spouse is pitted against the other one. In mediation or collaborative divorce, the spouses and their legal representatives work together as a team to accomplish splitting assets and finalizing the marital split.

Gov.uk has much information online regarding divorce and needed divorce papers.

It is possible to find online companies who provide guidance and a divorce kit for what is required by the court for spouses who want a divorce in this manner.

Some spouses want a DIY divorce to keep things simple. Choose what is most comfortable for you. Discuss how the divorce papers will be delivered to the other spouse if applicable. This can sabotage having an amicable divorce when they are served to a spouse in front of their boss or clients. Receiving divorce papers can be a shock, even when following a discussion about separating.

To keep divorce amicable there is give and take. Negotiations are low key without a winner take all attitude.

This involves listening to each other’s concerns and why a specific asset is desired. Flexibility and the willingness to compromise are paramount in keeping the process more easy going in order to discover creative solutions that are beneficial to both. It is understanding that neither party is going to get everything that they want with splitting assets, shared care and so forth.

To keep things amicable stay on task and leave emotion out it. If you find yourself getting hostile or defensive, take a short breather in proceedings to regroup. Aim to have a pleasant demeanour and if your spouse is becoming angry, suggest a break. Strong emotions can feed off each other and spiral out of control.

Do not start blaming your spouse during proceedings or make personal attacks on their character, no matter how tempting. Look at the common goal of getting the divorce completed and work together to get this accomplished smoothly.

Some couples I know, met at coffee houses during their divorces to work out splitting personal possessions. This was friendlier and cheaper than quibbling over artwork and china with their solicitors.

Vent with friends who can keep confidences.

During my divorce, a few people (some I barely knew) revealed what my husband was circulating around the community about me. You do not want to throw a spanner in the works of your divorce, by spreading gossip about your spouse. Keep tight lipped about what is happening so nothing can get back to them.

People do not need to know your business, so a vague “our divorce is coming along okay” will suffice. I brought pastries to our collaborative divorce meetings which contributed to a friendlier atmosphere.

If you genuinely like and respect your spouse, they can be an important ally post-divorce. They know you well and can give a job reference or be of assistance in emergencies. Some former spouses continue going together as friends to musical concerts and to other venues. When caught up in the unpleasantness of divorce, remember this is temporary and the person you once married can still be a friend.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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words that heal after divorce

Words that Heal (or not) after Divorce

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Dana Bennett
Dana Bennett

Joining the ranks of the newly single after nearly 3 decades is definitely a culture shock.  Not only do you have to start over, but you also have to learn to be single again.

Of course this means different things to different people.

For me, it’s about learning to be okay with yourself, whatever you happen to be, and wherever you happen to be going at any particular time.

A line from one of my favorite songs by Baz Luhrmann sums up my experience: “…whatever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s…”

My experience has included the difficulty my extended network of friends and family have had in talking to me about the breakup (or just talking to me in general) when I’m not letting all of the dirty details loose.

Some things just don’t need to be shared out into the universe, it’s best if time just lets them collect dust and be forgotten about.

This makes it sometimes quite awkward to talk, as they want to comfort me, but can’t do so without dredging up situations and details that either they don’t have or I have made it clear that I don’t want to talk about.  Finding normal is sometimes quite difficult when grief overwhelms the situation.  Although some of my friends and family seem to have quite the knack at not only talking to me as though things are normal, but actually helping/healing me through what they say.

Recently, I heard a statistic that there are more single people (not counting children) in the US than those that are married.  Suffice to say, each of us knows someone either going through or about to go through a divorce or breakup.

Here are some of the best things I’ve been told that actually are going a long way toward healing my wounded psyche: (feel free to borrow and use liberally with your people)

  • You look great, like a weight has been lifted off of you.
    –The caveat here is that this must be genuine.  You can’t just say this and call it into being if the person you are trying to comfort looks like crap.  Done correctly and said in the right context, this simple comment acts as a “at-a-girl (or boy)” for someone fighting their way back to sanity from a bad situation.
  • You are better off.
    –As with the first example, this echoes the healthy stance that the person going through the situation needs to model and remind themselves of on a regular basis.
  • Wow, I never realized you liked (or did, or were into) *blank* (hobby, etc)–that’s cool.
    words that heal
    Find the words that heal.

    –When you go through the emotional trauma of the breakup of a long term relationship, one of the big things you do is work on finding things that make you happy and feel worthwhile.  Whether it is a new hobby, or rekindling an old one, or trying something completely different from what you did in the past (and with the former partner), getting encouragement through recognition gives you the boost needed to continue on that path toward healing.

  • I can’t wait to see you (or do X with you).
    –I have to admit this one comment is the impetus of this blog post.  This was said to me by a person I’m dating, and I realized that I had not, in recent (or even long term) memory, had that said to me by a romantic interest.  It literally choked me up–happy tears.  I was even going to do a separate section for romantic interests and things that they say to heal, but in thinking about it through the process of writing (and explaining), I realized that even if a friend or family member said this, it works very similarly.   This one statement, simple though it is, validates a person, makes them feel worthwhile, desired, a part of something. This is, in my experience, the most painful part of the whole breakup experience–feeling UN-valued. This one small statement makes that go away in just 6 or so words.  I dare say it even packs a bigger punch than “I love you.”
  • You are loved.
    –This list would be incomplete without this addition.  Know that your grieving friend or family member will not, in the beginning, be able to feel this one as though it is meant, but it is something they need to be reminded of–A LOT.  Many times, the process of the breakup of a long term relationship leaves the person feeling UN-everything.  Validation and patience are needed, and these three words are a must in trying to help.

*****************************************************************

The flip-side of the coin has to be addressed here.  There are some things that well-meaning friends and family are saying under the guise of trying to make me feel better that just simply aren’t working, and in truth, make me feel worse.

Consider this the “no fly” list:

  • He (she) doesn’t realize what they have lost in you.
    —This one is the trickiest of them all.  Said by the right person in the right situation, this comment is completely healing.  That situation would come from a romantic partner in a moment when they are fully involved and cherishing you–but this is completely NOT appropriate from friends and family.  When this comes from friends and family, it only fuels and sets up a victimology that is simply not healthy in the process of getting through the breakup.
  • words that heal
    Words that heal (not) – an apology?

    His (Her) relationship with the person they left you for will never last.
    —Wow, this one has just got “never say it” to your grieving friend written all over it.  It reeks of revenge and hoping that karma will punish the former partner(s).  I will admit in the anger portion of the process of grieving, this one definitely made me feel good for a time, but ultimately it is empty. It truly invalidates the pain and suffering the grieving partner is going through to say that what caused the grief is fleeting.  The grief is with you forever, it just dulls over time.  Whether or not the relationship of the ex spouse or boy(girl)friend is doomed should not be your concern in the healing process.  When friends and family remind you of this, they are not helping.

  • It’s just a mid-life crisis.
    –Sitting at the end of a 30 year relationship, hearing this as an explanation completely invalidates the grief and loss I feel.  That something as silly as a fabled “crisis” that men go through broke up what was supposed to be a lifetime relationship is completely ludicrous.  While I do admit that people tend to re-evaluate their lives long about middle age, the relationship had to have weaknesses already that caused the breakup.  Saying something is “just” when it supposedly caused the grieving partner’s heart and soul to be torn to shreds is completely insulting.  Avoid this platitude with your divorced and separated friends and family at all costs.
  • One day he (she) will realize what they have done to you and how they have hurt you and they will come and apologize.
    –In the early stages of dealing with a breakup of a long term relationship, the grieving partner longs for this one to be true–NOW.  The reality of the situation is that by the time this would actually happen (and many times it simply does not happen) the grieving partner should have moved far away from any place where an apology of any kind would make a difference.  Saying this to someone going through a breakup implies that there is a chance for reconciliation if the offending partner  would just *blank*.

Reality is if an apology like this worked, the breakup probably would not have happened to begin with.  Just like you cannot tell a pathological liar that they lie and expect that will cure their problem; a “one day” apology of this sort after a breakup of a long term relationship simply will never be enough to sooth anyone’s broken spirit or heart.

I would even go so far as to say that in my case, when (and if) that apology is attempted, it will be politely cut off and refused.

Truth be told, this type of apology does absolutely nothing for the victim and does little more than make the apologizing partner feel better about themselves or the situation.  Also, the breakup of a relationship is rarely just one-sided.

It took two to build the relationship, and it took two to end it.  While one partner’s behavior may have been more egregious than the other, no one person in a relationship is completely innocent.  Saying this to a friend or family member going through the grief of loss completely perpetuates victimology.

  • You shouldn’t be *blank* (dating, drinking, sleeping too much, etc.)
    –While I’m not advocating a total free pass on all the stuff that is bad for a person just because they are grieving, using words like “shouldn’t” are counterproductive to healing.  Everyone’s healing process is different, and sometimes something as simple as casual dating can give a needed boost in spirit and confidence.  But–if you find your grieving loved one really doing something that is counter-intuitive to healing, instead of passing judgment, try re-directing their attention to some fun activity or inclusion into some event or dinner.  Many times, the “acting out” behavior in adults is a call for help from someone not strong enough to admit they need help.

From Baz Luhrmann’s Sunscreen song comes a lyric to live by…

“……the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.”

 

Dana Bennett is an unassuming easy soul who as of late has learned to enjoy life for what it is…an experience filled trip through time.

She spent a ton of time in college, and lots of years teaching, only to trip upon business ownership and truly find herself. An artist with a healthy dose of computer nerd thrown in, she parlayed her talents into making the family business website help build their marine contracting firm into something that supported the family and let them enjoy a peaceful life on one of Louisiana’s beautiful bayous.

Always eclectic, entrepreneurial, southern to the core, and always ready for happy hour with the company of old and new friends, Dana embraces geaux-ing through her ever-changing life.

 

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dating after divorce

What I learned From My Divorce – Vena Ramphal

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Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal – THE Passion Coach

2003 was the most challenging year of my life.

I had married a wonderful man in 2000 – someone I’d met at university a few years before. I meant my wedding vows; in my mind, this relationship was for life. But by 2003 I felt trapped. However, I was determined not to give up. So I didn’t.

By autumn 2004 it was clear that ‘not giving up’ was killing me internally. I felt like my soul was dying. I knew that I could choose to stay in the marriage and that my zest for life would shrivel up, or I could get a divorce.

The first made me feel numb. The second made my heart pound, my mouth go dry and my palms sweat. I chose the second – it felt stressful but a pounding heart at least told me I was alive.

Numbness was deadness. Before taking any action I took the time to take wise counsel from a couple of professionals, and to talk with my husband. Over the course of a few months my next step became clear.

At the end of February 2005 I moved out of my marital home. So began the most rollercoaster year of my life. There was exhilaration, grief, uncertainty, freedom, new adventures and the unknown territory of the divorce process. All of this made for full, bittersweet, exhausting and deeply fulfilling year.

The thing about divorce is that the deep, emotional upheaval is accompanied by disruption of your daily life. There were moments when it felt like I had nothing to hold on to. I remember one day walking down the street to my new home and suddenly everything felt surreal. For a moment I wasn’t sure whether I really lived there – I wasn’t sure if I was awake or dreaming.

To keep myself grounded and put these surreal moments into perspective I put in place a few ‘anchors’ – small things that brought stability to my daily reality.

This was my favourite. I had a colourful, luxurious shawl that was a gift from a dear friend. The first night that I slept in my new home I draped the shawl on my pillow. I did this with the express intention that when my head touched the pillow each night I would sink into a feeling of warm, indulged security. It worked. I suggest you do something similar to create an anchor for yourself at this time of transition.

 

Solo Responsibility

When you’re married you share household responsibilities. Suddenly being solo, you have to learn or re-learn the things that your ex-partner used to look after.

Household responsibilities are the boring but essential details of life – such as paying council tax or taking out the recycling. I remember feeling annoyed at this aspect of being single.

What I learned from my divorce
Don’t be embarrassed. Ask for help from trusted friends.

It was an added irritation at a time when I could have done without yet another thing to learn. I remember calling a friend and asking her to help me by talking me through some of these dull but important mechanics of the daily running of a household.

When I coach people who are newly separated I notice that many of them feel embarrassed to ask for this sort of help.

Don’t be embarrassed. Ask for help from trusted friends. Divorce is a big deal and getting help with these details will lighten the load on your mind and heart, as well as saving you time and energy you would waste trying to figure it all out yourself.

 

Telling Friends and Family

I told friends and family in my own time. I told some straightaway, and I waited months to tell others. I had an experience very early on that taught me an important lesson. I called a friend – someone who I felt very close to – to say that I was splitting up with my husband and was looking for somewhere to live.

Her response was disapproving and distant. This took me completely by surprise.

I was in ‘fast learning’ mode and decided there and then to pace myself in sharing my news. I realised that I just didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with everyone’s response to my divorce. My own emotions were taking up most of my energy. I let go of any sense of obligation to tell people about my relationship status before I was ready to do so. I was pretty sure that some people would react negatively so I waited until I was settled in my new life before I told them. The result was that I was able to handle their reaction constructively.

Whether it was you or your partner who initiated the divorce, you won’t always be able to predict how people will respond. Remember that people often have strong feelings about divorce because the ‘happily ever after’ fairytale is so embedded in our social psyche. If you’re caught off guard and get a negative response when you were expecting a supportive one, close the conversation quickly and politely. Avoid getting defensive or explaining yourself.

 

datingDating

One of the best things about 2005 was dating. I had a fantastic time.

I was unapologetic in my no-strings-attached, I-want-to-have-fun approach to dating. I relished the heartful messiness of romance and sex. Each connection glimmered with soulful sensuality and playfulness.

I know that my unabashed ‘I want to have fun’ approach won’t suit everyone. The point is that you should be unapologetically yourself in dating after divorce. Date in a style that suits you, whatever anyone else thinks.

 

Committing to my own happiness

When I embarked on my new single life I came home to myself in a way that I never had before. Having tasted the misery of feeling trapped as I did in the last two years of my marriage, I was determined to settle for nothing less than happiness in all aspects of my life.

So, as well as negotiating the territory of divorce I also decided to shake things up in my work life. I had enjoyed a wonderful career as a classical Indian dancer and choreographer. But it was time for something new, although I didn’t know what that was. So I decided to enter a transition period, continuing to work in the world of dance while I explored new possibilities. That exploration and retraining lasted a couple of years and gave rise to my new career as a relationship coach and mentor.

Its not unusual for newly separated or divorced people to feel the desire for new things and new freedoms – to express themselves in new ways. This is a good time to commit – or re-commit – to your own happiness.

Vena Ramphal – Follow Vena on Twitter

 

Vena Ramphal is THE Passion Coach specialising in romance and erotic pleasure.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

 

 

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Financial Independence after Divorce
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Network Marketing – Financial Independence after Divorce?

Published on
Networking Marketing
Sarah Liebelt

‘’When you make women millionaire’s, you change the world.’’ This was, Petter Morack’s, belief and vision when he started Arbonne 35 years ago.

It’s not very often that life turns out the way we planned and if you’re reading this article it’s quite likely your current situation was not in your plans.

Perhaps you are considering a divorce, recently divorced, divorced and found yourself being a single parent.

Wherever you are in this journey, even if a divorce was the right decision, it’s also very likely your life is upside down and you’re trying to right it again.

If I told you about an industry where personal development and mentoring is key, where you can own your own business with unlimited income potential and be in control of your diary, where you can support others in achieving their goals would that be of interest to you?

Then welcome to the world of Network Marketing (NM). NM as an industry has been around since the late 1970’s early 1980’s and is heavily regulated by the Direct Selling Association (www.dsa.org) and it is a global industry that in 2013 turned over $178 billion USD (mastermindevent.com).

This is more than the National Football League ($9.5 billion), music industry ($15 billion) and movie industry (£88 billion) and the best part is that anyone can be involved in NM. You don’t have to be a professional athlete, musician or movie star. You just have to be coachable, motivated and willing to put in effort.

NM is an industry with a level playing field and is designed so the regular person can create their own life by design.

A part time, home based business that can pay more than a full time wage makes it perfect for single mothers who can schedule meetings around their children and run their business over the phone, internet or in a coffee shop.

It is perfect for someone wanting financial independence to take back control of their life or someone wanting a secondary source of income to support themselves.

In the worlds of Kim Kyosaki, ‘a man is not a financial plan’.

single working mumNM is also a place where you can find support from a mentor, learn to mentor others, be encouraged to develop as a person and to leave a legacy.

So, what will your legacy be? What will you teach our children?

I have started to build my legacy through NM. My legacy is to leave the world better for me being here because I inspired and taught others how to pursue and achieve their dreams, I inspired and taught others how to take the road less travelled because the rewards are so much greater then following the crowd and I inspired and taught others how to inspire and teach others.

By the time I’m done, my ‘ripple effect’ will have changed the world through helping people to be the best versions of themselves and teaching them to teach others to do the same.

What else is there to love about NM?

Its low risk and low start-up cost compared to your traditional franchises. You fit your business around your life, not your life around your business. You can ‘earn while you learn’ with uncapped income potential (no glass ceiling) and most important are the friendships you make and the person you become.

It’s worth noting that not all NM companies are created equal however there are lots of fantastic ones out there. When researching to find a company that’s right for you I recommend considering the following:

  • Who is running the company? What’s their vision and is it in line with yours?
  • Stability and growth. Does the company has a proven record of stability and have potential for more growth?
  • Training and mentoring should be highly valued and promoted.

I am proud to be part of Petter’s vision and a proud representative of NM. Although this was not the industry I ever thought I would be in, I started my business because I was desperate to change my working situation. This decision really came down to ‘am I going to continue building someone else’s dream, or am I going to start building my own?’

There are no guarantees in Network Marketing, as there are no guarantees in life but with the right company the possibilities are endless. Notice I did not say ‘probabilities’.

A probability is what someone else tells you is the likely outcome. A possibility is only limited by your imagination and your work ethic because if one person can succeed in Network Marketing, why can’t you?

 

Sarah is 33 years old and has been running her Network Marketing business for 2 and a half years both in the UK and Australia.

Sarah first started her business while working as a Social Worker and continued to work full time and build her business for the first 18 months.

In 2015 Sarah was solely focused on her Networking Marketing business, however as a result of the business skills and personal development she gained from Network Marketing, Sarah is now launching 2 secondary businesses.

Sarah’s greatest joy is helping other people achieve their goals and believes it is her purpose to inspire and support others to believe in themselves and love themselves enough to pursue their dreams and goals.

 

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when your marriage is over

When your Marriage is Over

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Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal

I had the pleasure of interviewing Vena Ramphal, Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures, recently and it was one of the most open and candid interviews we have had on The Divorce Magazine.

Here is part of it. You can watch the entire interview by clicking here.

 

It was January 2005, freshly into a new year and her heart knew that the relationship was over but her head said different.

Vena paced around her living room knowing that she needed to do something and realising that she couldn’t do it on her own. She had spoken to some friends and family and they had indeed been supportive but she now she realised that what she needed most was  help from someone who was either a professional and/or someone who was neutral.

Vena did find the help and it was the best thing she could have done for herself at that time.  Asked today about what to do when going through divorce and one of the first things she’ll say is, “Don’t go through it alone.  It’s not worth it.”

My Marriage is Over.

She speaks warmly of the time they met.  They were students in University and very much in love.  So they got married and like most marriages, they were happy for a while.

“He was a good man,” she says but now they were on separate journeys.  They were growing apart. They were becoming very different people, who wanted very different lives and what became apparent was that somewhat they had very different values.

2003 and 2004 were tough years. The fact that she really, really meant her vows made it even more difficult.

Her choices were to stay in the marriage and just shrivel up and die on a soul level or she would need to complete the marriage and move on in order to continue to be herself.

“People say that people get divorced too easily nowadays but is it really the case?”  Vena asks.

“But isn’t your commitment to your own happiness one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself, to your (ex) partner and to your children too?”

With this statement I ask Vena what she would tell anyone who asks:

“Should I divorce my husband or should I divorce my wife? How do I know I’m ready for a divorce?”

“Wait a little bit,” is her advice, “Especially after long breaks or holidays where tensions rise and everything feels like a pressure cooker. You don’t want to be reacting to the holidays.”

At the same time time though, you don’t want to just sweep your feelings under the carpet for another year. Ask yourself, “Have I been here before? Is this something that I am starting to feel every year?”

Don’t be reactive but don’t kick those feelings and thoughts into the long grass.

Instead, do create the space, the mental and emotional for you to ask yourself the questions that are coming up for you. Do I want to complete this marriage or do I want to continue with it and maybe go to counselling with my partner or just speak with my partner. And work through the issues that we have?

How to create that emotional and mental space?

Take some time away from the conversation with your partner whether or not you’ve done it already but do spend time on a regular basis by yourself so you can create time to have a continuing conversation with yourself. This will help get some clarity.

During the interview, Vena shares a fabulous exercise that helps you hear your voice.

What has Vena learned from her divorce experience?

thank you marriage isShe’s so grateful and appreciative for the whole marriage, for the divorce and everything.

Losing that image of your future that you had of your life with your husband or wife can be terrifying.

But you cannot be your full self, you cannot be a loving, productive, useful human being, if you’re miserable in your marriage. You just can’t.

Of course Vena had her doubts and questions about ending her marriage. Her big one was not wanting to hurt other people or what will people think?

If you’re fearful about getting divorced, remember that you would not only be liberating yourself, but you give other people, the permission to liberate themselves as well.

Start to think of it, not as a failure, but as a success and in fact as a gift.

There is no question that divorce is a hurtful and bruising process but the choice is either to stay in this caged, small life, where you do slowly die on a soul level, or you can flourish and be yourself and actually bring more joy to everyone in your life.

When your marriage is over.

Think of divorce as a completion rather than as a splitting up. This completely changes the way we think about relationships, about endings, about going on to the next chapter of our lives and it changes the we think about marriage into a much, much healthier way.

Vena says that she started a journal and this has remained a big part in her life to this day.  When you start journaling, you will be surprised at how much wisdom you have.

Doing this was a real roller coaster and that’s why you need to be prepared for the journey and you need to have a robust support system.

The mature approach to divorce – it doesn’t have to be acrimonious, it can be done intelligently, that’s not to say that there aren’t emotions but the point is there are ways in which you can hold, honour and process your emotions so then you can make clear decisions.

When committed to happiness first then we are able to shine and give the best of ourselves.

 

Vena Ramphal is the Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

 

 

 

 

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Having a Place of Refuge During the Divorce Process

Having a Place of Refuge During the Divorce Process

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce can be a time when lives are in an upheaval and the stress level climbs to stratospheric heights.

Your mind and body need a break from the chaotic atmosphere of the divorce process. What some people do is escape to a special place for a breather to regroup.

Is there a destination that brings you joy and contentment?

For me it is Kirkwall in the Orkneys or being on a relaxing sea voyage. A divorced friend goes to Aspen, USA to hike and breathe in the fresh mountain air. This revives her to face whatever is ahead.

Think about a short getaway from daily burdens during an acrimonious divorce or when post-divorce issues are emerging. Go on a day trip if going farther afield is not feasible.

Some have gone back to the comfort of their childhood homes and met up with old friends.

The point is to recharge your batteries by going to your place of refuge. It can be as low-key as spending the afternoon in your favourite café people watching and reading. Coffee shops are friendly and one can get to know the staff.

My friend and I have ours in Marylebone, London and they ask us if we want “the usual.” It is a way to feel connected and have a pleasant time while forgetting about one’s troubles.

During the Divorce Process
Escape to your favourite cafe during the divorce process

A local pub might be someone’s sanctuary (I have one of those too) where you laugh and chat with the regulars.

It might be somewhere quite different, such as a bookshop. Hatchard’s on Piccadilly knows my taste and always recommends some great books. Getting engrossed in these mysteries also is a way to shut out the world.

There are therapeutic trips to consider – yoga retreats near home or in distant places like India. Getting pampered in a country hotel spa or around the corner, such as Neal’s Yard, helps one to look and feel rejuvenated.

There are divorce retreats and workshops in picturesque places around the UK. Sometimes it is easier to take off from work when going to a professional conference. Pick one that includes a tour or is set in an exotic locale. It is interesting to meet with foreign colleagues and learn some new job skills. I went to some great nurses’ conferences in places such as Kenya and Egypt.

In the middle of my divorce process I fled to one in South Africa while my mum stayed with my teens. This is probably what saved my sanity in the midst of contentious proceedings.

Going to one’s sanctuary during divorce can be internal and not on a physical level. Several divorced people said that they mentally visualize their special place and go there whenever needed. It may be a beach, city or rural setting.

One woman reminiscences about the great times she had as a child at her family’s holiday home on a lake. Just reliving splashing around in the water and the great picnics with friends instantly relaxes her now. One divorced acquaintance was in a band that travelled all over Europe. When he wants a break from stress, he mentally revisits those happier times.

When things are near the breaking point in divorce or beyond – take a physical or mental holiday.

Temporarily stepping away from divorce proceedings can help one gain clarity and take in the whole picture.

The health benefits of getting away include lowering one’s blood pressure and stress hormones while boosting the efficiency of the immune system. Think of a short holiday as a prescription to emotional and physical well-being.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Feature photo – photo credit: IMG_4807 via photopin (license)

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Coping and dealing with divorce
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In Conversation with Vena Ramphal – Her Divorce Journey and Growing from Divorce

Published on
Vena Ramphal THE Passion Coach
Vena Ramphal

In this candid interview, Vena Ramphal, Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures, gives us insight into her own divorce journey.

She talks to us about her marriage, why it ended and what she learned from the whole divorce process and experience,

When it comes to divorce advice, Vena urges us to think of divorce as a completion rather than as a splitting up.

This completely changes the way we think about relationships, about endings, about going on to the next chapter of our lives and it changes the we think about marriage into a much, much healthier way.

When committed to happiness first then we are able to shine and give the best of ourselves.

As Vena speaks of her divorce experience, she blends in some really terrific divorce advice that may not only help you in coping with divorce and helping children cope with divorce, but also to probably find the answer to the question, “should I get a divorce?”

We won’t tell you more – just click play, listen and walk away with something you didn’t know or have before.

Vena Ramphal is the Champion for authentic relationships and authentic erotic pleasures.

She facilitates people to make choices that bring them more fulfilling love lives, whether its ending a partnership, creating a new relationship, or cultivating a deeper experience of erotic pleasure.

Vena’s work draws on the erotic wisdom of the kama sutra traditions and classical Indian philosophy.

As a coach she brings warmth, clarity, a sense of play and a deep belief that life should be delicious.

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Why do Opposits Attract

Coping with Divorce When your Spouse Leaves you

Published on
Danielle Barbereau
Danielle Barbereau
Personal Crisis Coach

In this interview, Personal Crisis Coach Danielle Barbereau looks what life can be about when your spouse leaves you.  [There is a sound delay in the video.  If this is too much of a disturbance for you, you have the option of listening in audio which is just below the video].

It is often said that when couples are going through divorce, the experience of the leaver is very different from that of the left.

During the divorce process, being at the receiving end is tough, to say the least, especially for the ones who never saw it coming and realise that the partner had been planning this for a long time.

It can be especially challenging for those who never get an explanation as to why their partner chose to leave or even the truth surrounding their departure. Sometimes, the explanations given may be false, for instance when they fail to mention that there is someone else.

When you find yourself at the receiving end of this kind of treatment, the hurt can be immense, specially where you have been with the same partner for several years.  At the very least you deserve the respect of an honest explanation.

Some of Danielle’s clients have come back to her and said that their wife or husband leaving them was one of the toughest experiences but which turned out to be one of the best. To get here though, some work needs to be done.

As Maya Angelou put it, “Nothing works unless you do.”

 

Danielle is a Personal Crisis Coach (www.personalcrisis.co.uk) and the author of “After the Split.”

She trained with Barefoot Coaching who are renowned for providing University accredited, rigorously validated qualifications and coaches.  

She is a member of and volunteer organiser for the Association for Coaching, a leading independent, and not-for-profit professional body dedicated to promoting best practice and raising the awareness and standards of coaching, worldwide.

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