children and divorce - Page 3

Right to Flight: Warning Issued Over Parental Holiday Permission
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Right to Flight: Warning Issued Over Parental Holiday Permission

Published on
Natasha Aspinall
Natasha Aspinall
Family & Matrimonial Solicitor
Brindley Twist Tafft & James LLP

A growing number of parents with children from previous relationships incorrectly assume they have an automatic right to take the whole family on holiday, warns leading law firm Brindley Twist Tafft & James.

A couple planning to take a stepchild on a break may not realise they need the other biological parent’s consent if both parents share Parental Responsibility, a legal term surrounding the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities, and authorities a parent has in relation to a child under the law.

All mothers will automatically have Parental Responsibility together with fathers who are registered on the birth certificate. They will not lose it if they are divorced or the civil partnership is dissolved.

The issue is growing in importance with the increase in the number of ‘blended’ families, where each partner has children from a previous relationship. Roughly 1.1 million children in England and Wales live in blended families, according to UK Government figures.

Family & Matrimonial Solicitor, Natasha Aspinall at leading law firm Brindley Twist Tafft & James, says there is a common misconception that those who hold Parental Responsibility in relation to their child or children automatically have a right to take their child abroad.

“This is incorrect,” she said. “The term Parental Responsibility attempts to focus on the parents’ duties toward their child rather than the parents’ rights over the child.

“The general day-to-day decisions should be made by the parent with whom the children reside without interference from the other parent, subject to any additional provisions.  Important decisions regarding a child, such as taking a child abroad for an extended stay for example, need to be made by everyone with Parental Responsibility for the child.

“If a blended family wants to go on a break, it’s generally necessary to obtain the other parent’s agreement. If the biological parent doesn’t agree, you might need to apply to the court for permission. No one wants to discover this when the bags are waiting by the doorway and the airport taxi is booked.

“What time each parent is to spend with a child is to be agreed between the parties and if an agreement cannot be reached then either party will need to make an application to the court for a Child Arrangements Order (CAO).”

A CAO is a legally binding court order in the UK that specifies where a child will live, who they will spend time with, and the nature of that contact. The court will expect the parties to have engaged in mediation before the application is made.

“CAOs let each parent, as well as their new partners, know where they stand and prevent misunderstandings and disagreement, leading to more stability for the child,” Natasha adds. “It also helps ease any uncertainty for the parent that does not live with the child by alleviating any anxiety they may have about feeling like the ‘lesser’ parent.”

Read more articles by Brindley Twist Tafft & James Solicitors.

About Natasha Aspinall

Natasha qualified as a Solicitor in 2003. She joined Brindley Twist Tafft & James LLP in our Family & Matrimonial department in November 2022, based out of our Balsall Common office. Natasha joins us from a local Solicitors firm where she worked as Head of the Family Law department for the last 5 years.

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Strengthening Family Bonds Post Divorce
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Strengthening Family Bonds Post Divorce

Published on
Despina Mavridou
Despina Mavridou
Author, Mediator, Lawyer

I’m not a psychologist or therapist, so I won’t give you professional advice on how to strengthen family bonds after divorce. But what I can offer is my own experience, as a child whose parents didn’t manage to keep those bonds alive. And I can tell you from the heart: it matters more than you think.

My parents didn’t just stop speaking, they only spoke to fight. Not to communicate, not to listen, and definitely not to put their children’s needs first. It was their own egos, pain, and frustration that took over. And as a result, my relationship with my dad, and with his side of the family, especially my grandparents, deteriorated more with each passing year.

At the beginning (i.e., the first month), it seemed like things would be okay. But very quickly, everything fell apart.

My mum began telling us the divorce was my dad’s fault. She said his parents never supported her. Then my dad started saying he didn’t have enough money to support us and moved in with the girlfriend he had left my mother for. His parents pushed to stay in our lives, while my mum’s family was firmly against them.

The myth of the “good girl” I had grown up with — the girl who pleased everyone — was now completely confused. What did I have to do to keep that title, when my world no longer made sense?

How do you think a 13, 14, or 15-year-old girl is supposed to handle a situation like that? Or my little sister, who was only 6, 7, or 8 at the time?

It was a real nightmare. And it left wounds I carried for years, wounds that shaped the way I saw love, trust, and family.

That’s why I’m sharing this. To show just how important it is to protect the family bonds after divorce. Because for children, it’s almost impossible to truly hate one of their parents — unless they’ve been exposed to violence or abuse. Children need both parents. And deep down, they know they are half Mum and half Dad. Forcing them to hate one parent is like asking them to reject part of themselves.

As a woman, I can now understand how hard it must have been for my mum — the betrayal, the financial pressure, the loss of trust. My dad constantly complained that he couldn’t afford to support us. But here’s the truth: when you give money to your ex, you’re not supporting them, you’re supporting your children. It’s a way to show up for your kids.

Communication between my parents was almost nonexistent. It felt like they were speaking two entirely different languages. And what I remember most as a child was the confusion, the frustration, the fear of abandonment, and the trauma of living in a family that could no longer function.

Kids need both parents in their lives. So whatever you do, you have to find a way to communicate, even if it’s only about the basics.

Think of it like starting a job you hate, working under a boss you dislike. But quitting isn’t an option because you need the income. Would you find a way to communicate? Probably, yes. So why not do the same for the most important part of your life, your children?

And please, don’t badmouth the other parent in front of your children. These comments may make you feel good for two seconds, like a small emotional win, but they leave deep, invisible scars on your child. Scars they may carry silently for years, even a lifetime.

You need to work on creating a sense of coexistence, enough to attend school events, graduations, and birthday parties together without conflict and without your children fearing that if they invite both parents, there will be a fight or it will feel awkward. One way to get there is by working on yourself, ideally with the support of a therapist or coach.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes. Avoid running from difficult conversations. Avoid trying to “save money” by withholding support, because in doing that, you’re not hurting your ex. You’re hurting your child.

Learn to accept yourself, and the other parent, with all the mistakes included.

Is it easy? Oh my God, no — it’s not easy at all.

But kids don’t have the tools or maturity to deal with a broken family when the adults can’t even speak. You do. You are the adult in the room. And if you don’t step up, the message your children receive is that love fails, marriage is doomed, and if it doesn’t work out, they are somehow less worthy.

That’s a burden they will carry into their own relationships — unless you break the cycle.

I’ve seen families thrive after divorce — truly thrive. And what they had in common was that each parent worked through their emotions separately, rather than using the children as weapons or messengers.

I know some ex-partners can make things extremely difficult. It takes two to rebuild parallel lives with respect and boundaries. But in the end, every hard conversation you have, every ounce of restraint you show, is something you do not just for your kids, but for yourself.

Because the greatest gift you can give your children post-divorce isn’t a perfect life, it’s a peaceful one. And the chance to grow into an adult who isn’t burdened by unresolved divorce trauma.

Read more articles by Despina Mavridou.

About Despina Mavridou

My name is Despina Mavridou. I am an author, a mediator and a lawyer in Greece.

I experienced the negative effects of divorce due to my parents’ separation when I was ten years old. For many years I was in the middle of their fights, trying to find a balance. When I was approx. 17 years old, I decided that I didn’t want to see my dad anymore. This cost me my relationship with him for more than 20 years (we have reunited recently).

After many years working as a lawyer, in the last four years I discovered mediation and also my passion for writing. For this reason, I left my job as a lawyer to concentrate on my passion.

My first published book is titled Mum, Dad, Can you hear me? and it is partially based on my personal story. I always wanted to share certain things with my parents to make them understand how I was feeling about their divorce.

Moreover, working as a mediator in family dispute issues, I saw how difficult it is for parents to get in their kid’s shoes.

The specific book Mum, Dad Can you hear me? serves dual purpose.

On one hand I want to help children understand that divorce is not the end of the world and that they can have both parents in their lives.

On the other hand, I want to help parents see divorce through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl to better understand the thoughts, needs and feelings of children and how important it is for them to have both parents in their lives.

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Understanding Parental Rights in the UK
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Understanding Parental Rights in the UK

Published on
Akwal Ryatt
Akwal Ryatt
Head of Family Law
Tyler Hoffman Solicitors

Getting divorced can be complicated for couples with children, as decisions must be made regarding where each child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, and other aspects of their care. The matter of parental rights may also come into question, particularly if the parents were not married when the child was born. A father may not automatically have parental responsibility for a child under these circumstances, which can affect their rights during divorce proceedings.

There are important legal and procedural steps that parents should take during divorce proceedings to preserve their role in their child’s life, and to maintain the ability to make decisions about their care, their living arrangements and other important aspects of their life. These rights do not automatically change due to divorce, but the court may become involved if there is a dispute about how they are exercised, and it is important to protect yourself.

Here, the experienced divorce solicitors at Tyler Hoffman explain how parental responsibility is established, how it affects the rights of each parent during a divorce and how to secure a Child Arrangements Order.

What is parental responsibility?

‘Parental responsibility’ refers to the legal rights, duties, powers and authority a parent has for a child. It includes the right to make decisions about education, religion, medical treatment and day-to-day care. A child’s birth mother will have parental responsibility automatically, and any Parental Responsibility Orders issued by the court will name any other people who have a say in these decisions.

A father’s legal rights generally depend on whether he has parental responsibility, which can be crucial when making child arrangements during the divorce process. A father automatically has parental responsibility if he was married to the child’s mother at the time of birth or subsequently, or if he is listed on the birth certificate (for children born after 1 December 2003 in England and Wales). You should speak to experienced paternity lawyers about whether you have parental responsibility if you have any concerns. Adoptive or foster parents may also have this responsibility, although it can be worthwhile to confirm this with a solicitor.

If either party does not have parental responsibility, they apply to the court for it using a Parental Responsibility Order or by entering into a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the child’s birth mother.

What is the role of a Child Arrangements Order?

A Child Arrangements Order is a legally binding court order that outlines how a child’s care will be structured following a divorce or separation. It becomes necessary if parents cannot reach an informal agreement (such as a Parenting Plan) about how child care arrangements will be managed. The order offers a legally binding decision on:

  • Residency: where and with whom the child will live
  • Contact: when and how they see the other parent
  • Whether a shared care arrangement is appropriate.

Either parent can apply to the court to put an order in place, and guardians or others with parental responsibility may also be able to apply, although certain parties will need permission from the court before they can apply for a Child Arrangements Order.

You may also need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before the family court will consider a Child Arrangements Order. A MIAM is an opportunity to resolve the issue without involving the court, and can help the parties in a divorce to reach an informal resolution. However, if mediation doesn’t work or is not suitable, either parent can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order.

This will usually result in court hearings where a judge can review evidence from both parties and make a decision on final arrangements. An officer from the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service may conduct safeguarding checks and recommend arrangements based on the child’s welfare. The court makes decisions based on what it believes will be best for the child, including their wishes and feelings, the impact of any changes in circumstances and which parent is most able to meet their practical, emotional and educational needs.

Parents can also apply for a Specific Issue Order to resolve a particular dispute, or a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent the other parent from taking certain actions without permission. This is often used in cases where one parent decides to relocate, or if there is a dispute about schooling.

What does a Child Arrangements Order mean for parental rights?

Unlike an informal agreement, a Child Arrangements Order can be enforced by the court, which gives parents a degree of additional protection and ensures that the agreement remains in place. If one parent breaches the order, the other can apply to the court to enforce it. In response, the court can impose penalties, including warnings, enforcement orders (including unpaid work orders) and the need to pay compensation for financial losses.

While there is a risk in letting the court decide, courts generally support regular, meaningful contact with both parents unless there is clear evidence that such contact would harm the child. Speak to an experienced family law solicitor for guidance on navigating this process, and make sure to keep records of all contact and communication with other parties involved in the divorce to give yourself the best chance of a favourable outcome from any legal process.

About Akwal Ryatt

Akwal Ryatt is the head of Family Law at Tyler Hoffman Solicitors, and is an accomplished Chartered Legal Executive with an extensive career spanning over 28 years. With a compassionate approach, Akwal is characterised by her profound expertise in family law areas including divorce, separations, Child Arrangement Orders, Financial Remedy Orders and more.

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Keeping Divorce Pain Out of Parenting
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Keeping Divorce Pain Out of Parenting

Published on
Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

When your child does or says something that reminds you of their other parent, it can stir up all kinds of mixed emotions. A certain expression, a way of laughing, or a habit that is unmistakably their other parent. In those moments, it can be easy to get pulled into fear, frustration or unresolved hurt.

Sitting back with your cup of tea in hand, you remember your choice that the love for your children has to be the guiding force through all of this, even when resentment, exhaustion, or heartache threaten to take over.

Divorce reshapes everything. One home becomes two. The quiet of shared evenings now echoes with the absence of the other parent. And the children—caught in the in-between—look to you for answers. They don’t ask outright, but they watch, listen, absorb. Their sense of security hinges on how you navigate this new landscape.

What I’ve observed in my almost 20 years in my practice is that divorce can become a battlefield, with children unwittingly caught in the crossfire. It’s tempting, in a moment of frustration, to let a sigh escape when their other parent is late again. To roll your eyes when they rave about the fun weekend they had with them. To let your disappointment seep into conversations meant to be neutral.

The truth is, your pain in this relationship ending is yours to carry, not theirs.

Your children don’t need to know about the arguments over who forgot to send the backpack or the text messages left unanswered. They shouldn’t have to decode passive-aggressive comments or feel the tension created when they mention their other parent’s name.

Children do best when they can love both parents without hesitation, without guilt, without fear or feeling like they need to have an alliance with one parent, leaving out the other.

You may have every reason to be angry, still carrying wounds that feel impossible to heal. What is also true at the same time is that for your child, their other parent is someone they love, someone who is a part of their world. And for their wellbeing, having access to both parents without tension or conflict will make all the difference in their lives.

That means keeping what belongs between you and your co-parent exactly where it should stay—between the two of you. When the tension rises, take a deep breath before responding. If the other parent fails to follow through, handle it without dragging your child into the disappointment.

It’s natural that there will be times you want to make sense of all that happened, find a friend, a therapist, a journal—anything but your child’s open, impressionable heart. They are not your allies in the war of who is the better parent. They are simply your children, and they need to be allowed to love both of their parents.

That doesn’t mean ignoring reality. Children are perceptive, and they know when things have changed. Acknowledge their feelings without making them carry yours. “I know it’s different now. I know you miss how things used to be.” Remind them that Mum and Dad will always agree on is loving you. Make it clear “You don’t have to choose. You are loved—fully, completely—by both of us.”

Your child will one day grow up and form their own conclusions about both parents. Let those conclusions be built on their experiences, not on the whispers of resentment they picked up over the years. Give them the gift of a childhood where they were free to love openly, without the burden of carrying someone else’s pain.

Co-parenting is not about proving who is the better parent. It’s about giving your child the stability they need to thrive in a world that has already shifted beneath their feet.

So when they come home talking about the amazing trip they had with their other parent, smile. Let them be excited. Let them know their happiness is never a betrayal. When they struggle with the changes, be the place where they can land softly, without judgment, without expectation, just love.

The greatest gift you can give your child after divorce isn’t a flawless parenting schedule. It’s the freedom to love both parents without the pressure to choose sides, that is something that will stay with them far beyond childhood into who they become as adults, into the relationships they build, and into the way they show up in the world.

Read more articles by Johanna Lynn.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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5 Tips for Managing Your Child's Expenses Post Divorce
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5 Tips for Managing Your Child’s Expenses Post Divorce

Published on
Zarira Love
Zarira Love
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

Divorce leads to major changes in your finances. You might pay thousands for solicitor and court fees. With one income leaving your home, you’ll likely incur new expenses like child care if a parent will no longer be at home to care for the children.

While your ex should shoulder some of the burden for the cost of raising your child, it might fall mostly on you if you provide the child’s primary residence.

It’s a lot to take on, but if you’re proactive, you can manage.

Tip #1: Create a monthly budget

A budget can help you stay within your means and figure out where you need to cut corners.

As you prepare for divorce, make a categorised list of all your bills (e.g., housing, electricity) and expected expenses (e.g., food, petrol), along with how much you expect to spend in each category.

While bills are straightforward, it can be a bit tricky to estimate expenses. Look at receipts, bank statements and other proofs of payment to help you figure out your average expenses. Keep in mind, this amount might vary month to month. The goal is to figure out how much you spend on average so you don’t spend more than you make.

You could do separate accounting for your child’s expenses (a sound idea if the other parent is expected to pay a portion) or keep it all together. Example expenses you might incur because of your child include:

  • Schooling (e.g., uniforms, tutoring, supplies)
  • Transport
  • Communications (e.g., TV, internet, mobile phone)
  • Clothing and footwear
  • Extra-curriculars
  • Recreation (e.g., eating out, going to concerts)
  • Child care
  • Medicine
  • Personal care

Add up your bills and expenses to get your total monthly spending.

Next, add up your earnings from work and other sources, like spousal or child maintenance if you’re receiving payments.

Subtract total bills and expenses from your earnings. You could allocate a portion of your residuals to savings. Include this in your budget as well.

If you’re left with zero or less, find ways to adjust your budget to suit your income. Your child might have a piano lesson once a week rather than twice. You might unsubscribe from a streaming service.

Keep track of your monthly spending to make sure you’re sticking to your budget. If you’re looking for a template for your budget, there are budget worksheets available online or you can create a spreadsheet. There are also finance apps that help you stay on top of spending.

Tip #2: Make a plan for shared co-parenting expenses

Co-parents often argue about how to sort out costs related to the children.

A good way to lessen headaches is to make a list of co-parenting shared expenses. Discuss with your co-parent how you’ll split each expense or whether one parent will cover the full cost.

You might split everything equally or split in relation to each parent’s income. You could keep track of these expenses and invoice one another for reimbursement at the end of the month.

Tip #3: Prioritise needs over wants

In the aftermath of divorce, you’ll feel some guilt that makes you want to spoil your kids.

It’s tough not being able to get your child everything they want. However, if you spoil them, they’ll expect that treatment all the time, which may not be possible with your budget.

Budget for gifts, entertainment and recreation last so they don’t get in the way of paying bills and buying necessities.

Tip #4: Teach your children financial responsibility

Help your children learn the value of money so their expectations become a bit more realistic.

One way to teach your children financial literacy is to give them pocket money. Assign chores for them to do to earn their money so they gain understanding of the work you put in to provide for them.

When your child asks for something pricey, encourage them to save up a portion of their pocket money until they can afford it so they learn the importance and benefits of saving.

If your child is mature enough, you could allow them to have their own bank account and debit card.

Tip #5: Seek help when needed

Newly divorced parents often feel the need to prove they can go it alone. While learning self-reliance is essential to moving on, there’s nothing wrong with getting help to benefit your child.

Professionals like financial advisers assist your transition to post-divorce life by advising you on your spending and how to save more. Plus, government resources are available. Reach out to family and friends for support as well. They can be especially important when it comes to saving on child care costs.

Read more articles by Zarira Love.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Zarira Love

Zarira Love has been researching and writing articles about child custody and parenting for nearly six years. She currently resides in New York City.

Zarira is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Financial Claims for Stay-at-Home Parents Upon Divorce: What You Need to Know
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Financial Claims for Stay-at-Home Parents Upon Divorce: What You Need to Know

Published on
Stephanie Kyriacou
Stephanie Kyriacou
Managing Associate
Freeths

When a marriage breaks down, financial settlements can be particularly complex where one spouse has sacrificed their career to raise children. In England and Wales, the law recognises this contribution and provides a framework for fair financial division under the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. This contrasts sharply with the legal position of unmarried cohabitees, who have far fewer rights.

Cohabiting couples in Britain account for nearly 1 in 5 families and are the fastest growing family type – with almost 3.6 million opposite-sex cohabiting couple families. Despite this, when a cohabiting couple’s relationship breaks down, the law treats them as though they were two completely unconnected individuals with no basic legal protections.

Financial Claims Under the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973

A stay-at-home parent who has put their career on hold for the benefit of the family may be entitled to substantial financial relief upon divorce. Under the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, the court has wide discretion to ensure a fair division of assets and income, taking into account factors such as:

  • The needs and resources of both parties – this includes income, earning capacity, property, and financial obligations. A parent who has been out of work for many years may struggle to re-enter the workforce at the same earning level as before.
  • Contributions to the marriage – non-financial contributions, such as childcare and homemaking, are valued equally to financial contributions. The court acknowledges that raising children is a crucial role that has economic value.
  • The welfare of any children under 18 – ensuring financial stability for children is a priority, often influencing maintenance and housing arrangements.

Types of Financial Orders Available

A stay-at-home parent may apply for various financial orders, including:

  1. Spousal Maintenance – A regular payment from the financially stronger spouse to help the stay-at-home parent meet their needs, especially if they cannot immediately become financially independent. This may be for a fixed term or, in some limited cases, for joint lives.
  2. Lump Sum Payments – A one-off capital payment to balance the division of assets.
  3. Property Adjustment Orders – The court may transfer or adjust ownership of the family home, sometimes allowing the primary caregiver to remain there until the children are older/finish their secondary education.
  4. Pension Sharing Orders – Stay-at-home parents may claim a share of their spouse’s pension to provide for their long-term financial security.

Key Differences: Married vs. Cohabiting Parents

While married stay-at-home parents have various legal rights upon divorce, cohabiting partners have no automatic financial claims against each other upon separation, regardless of how long they lived together or whether they raised children together. The law does not recognise “common-law marriage.” Instead:

  • A cohabiting parent can claim child maintenance from the other parent, calculated under the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) formula.
  • They have no right to spousal maintenance or a share of their partner’s assets unless they can prove ownership through property law principles, such as trust claims.
  • Cohabitees cannot claim a share of their ex-partner’s pension.

A co-habitee may have recourse to make claims under Schedule 1 of the Children Act 1989, but these financial claims are solely for the benefit of any children of the family and not for themselves.

Conclusion

For stay-at-home parents, the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973 provides vital financial protections upon divorce, recognising the economic sacrifices made in raising children. In contrast, unmarried cohabitees face significant financial vulnerability, with limited legal remedies available.

  • Under current law, it is possible to live with someone for decades and have children together, but then simply walk away with the economically stronger party taking no financial responsibility for a former partner when the relationship breaks down.

The current Government have committed to legislation to better protect cohabitees, however, as yet, there is no date for when this new legislation may come into effect.

About Stephanie Kyriacou

Stephanie Kyriacou is a Managing Associate in Freeths Family team and is based in the East Midlands. Stephanie is a highly experienced specialist family lawyer whose work includes divorce, middle to high net worth (HNW) financial matters, private children law matters, cohabitation disputes, Schedule 1 claims and pre and post nuptial agreements. Stephanie is on the board for the Leicestershire Resolution Committee and is committed to the Code of Practice which promotes a constructive approach to resolving family issues that considers the needs of the whole family.

A link to her profile can be found here: Stephanie Kyriacou | Family Law | Leicester | Freeths

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Easter Countdown: How Co-Parents Can Best Manage School Holidays
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Easter Countdown: How Co-Parents Can Best Manage School Holidays

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Anthony Parrish - Jones Myers
Anthony Parrish
Partner
Jones Myers

Sponsored article by Jones Myers.

Organising school holidays and special occasions like birthdays and Christmas can test even the most robust relationships as parents juggle work commitments with a myriad of children’s activities.

Busy schedules also have to be rejigged at short notice when the unexpected happens, such as children falling ill.

For divorced and separated parents, many of whom do not have a support network, the above can be even more challenging.

As Easter looms, the school break – which is vital for children to recharge their batteries – can bring  even greater disruption to daily patterns.

The Importance of Communication, Cooperation and Compromise

In our extensive experience, effective organisation, communication and collaboration between estranged parents are vital both during and outside school terms to ensure children’s best interests always come first.

The formula below helps to ensure stability in a shared commitment to children’s wellbeing while avoiding the court route – for which there is limited public funding – to determine arrangements.

Involve Children in Plans

During all school holidays, children will want to spend as much time as possible with both parents, their wider family including grandparents, and friends.

It is the responsibility of both parents to try to achieve this and may result in one parent spending less time with their child(ren) during the break.

Children and young people need certainty and security so let them know as far in advance as possible how, and with who, their holiday will be spent. This gives them time to adjust to any new arrangements.

Keep Talking and Communicating

Set aside your differences to always put your children’s interests first. Aim to plan school holidays as much in advance as possible so you can organise logistics such as travel, playgroups and sporting activities.

Be Flexible

In cases where a court is involved, parents will be referred to a Planning Together for Children course  which helps them to understand how to put their children first while undergoing separation.

The four-hour course helps parents learn the fundamental principles of how to manage conflict and difficulties. For more information, visit this website.

Managing Special Occasions

This formula also applies to birthdays and the festive season – special occasions when parents can give their children magical memories to look back on by manging them creatively. For example, by organising a birthday celebration or outing with each parent.

When it comes to Christmas – which brings additional commitments and financial pressures – a spirit of co-operation, communication and compromise is needed more than ever for parents to work together.

Advance planning and keeping calm irrespective of challenges including bad driving conditions, or reluctant children (who find moving from one parent to another difficult, not that they don’t want to go) – is vital.

Christmas celebrations can take place at any time over the holiday to make them special for children. Parents can therefore make the magic of Christmas happen twice with Santa making two appearances with his presents.

Achieving this requires meticulous organising, allowing time to consider each other’s expectations and plans. It is also advisable to have a back-up plan in the event of an unforeseen circumstance.

Letting children know as far in advance as possible that they will have two birthdays and two Christmases gives them time to get used to the idea and look forward to it with excitement.

The Importance of Parenting Plans

Jones Myers’ dedicated, multi-award winning Children’s Department balances children’s and parents needs in wide-ranging issues.

Working closely with our clients, we devise the most suitable arrangements for children both now and in the formative years ahead. We also highly recommend that parents who split up have a Parenting Plan in place.

A Parenting Plan is a written plan which helps estranged couples to work out practical decisions in areas including communication, living arrangements, money, religion, education and emotional well-being. Providing a valuable reference point, it helps everyone involved to know what is expected of them.

The document can help ensure a degree of stability and continuity in a shared commitment to children’s wellbeing – without having to go to court.

In cases where parents need to go to court because they are unable to agree on certain issues, a judge will expect them to have started a Parenting Plan.

Helping them to record their plan and inform the family court judge what they have agreed and not agreed, it also enables parents to let the judge know areas where they need more help.

Family Law group Resolution, which promotes a non-confrontational approach to family problems, provides valuable advice for separating parents.

It is reported that babies as young as three months can be affected by negative vibes and parents who argue in front of their infant can cause them lasting damage.

When children’s futures are at stake, we recommend choosing a family lawyer like Jones Myers – who champions a non-confrontational approach to relationship breakdown and is a member of Resolution – when seeking legal advice.

Working closely with our clients, we devise the most suitable arrangements for children – both now and in the formative years ahead.

The actions and decisions of separating and divorced parents can play a formative role in ensuring  their children’s emotional happiness and well-being though their journey to adulthood.

Read more articles by Anthony Parrish and Jones Myers.

About Anthony Parrish

Anthony Parrish’s extensive experience in family law spans over two decades, during which time he has developed specialisms in matters relating to children law.

A member of Jones Myers internationally renowned Children’s Department, he deals with issues relating to children, teenagers, parents (including those represented through their official solicitor) and local authorities.

His expertise also encompasses international child abduction cases and same sex relationship issues.

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Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent
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Setting Boundaries So You Can Work Better with Your Co-Parent

Published on
Tucker Lieberman
Tucker Lieberman
Writer / Researcher
Custody X Change

If you and your ex will co-parent your child, you’ll be in regular communication to make it happen. That means you’ll need to find new ways to speak and work together.

At least one of you will have to make big decisions for your child: where they’ll go to school, how their special needs will be supported, which religion to raise them in, and whether to pursue a complex medical treatment. Some co-parents make these kinds of decisions together. Even if you don’t, one of you will have to inform the other of the big rules that guide your child’s life.

You and your ex will also coordinate exactly when and where you’ll exchange your child, and you’ll have to notify each other if you’re running late. You’ll pass on minor details like whether your kid already ate dessert or argued with a friend.

So, even as you envision a new life apart from your ex, stay realistic about your future need to talk to them. Though you’ll no longer be spouses, you’ll have important roles in each other’s lives.

Talking with Your Ex During the Divorce Process

A split can be so emotionally painful that it’s hard to keep open lines of communication. The hurt that one of you caused the other, or that both of you caused each other, is real. Nevertheless, for parents, it’s crucial to keep talking for your child’s sake.

Ideally, both of you should try to give your child as much stability as possible until the court can order a child arrangement, which means agreeing to a parenting routine and sticking to it civilly (rather than yanking the child back and forth and arguing in front of them).

You’ll also benefit from negotiating productively so you can get a fair outcome for your child and for yourselves. In the UK, parents may use mediation, collaborative practice or arbitration to help them reach decisions out of court.

Keeping open lines of communication doesn’t mean you have to pick up the phone at any hour of the night, respond to excessive text messages, or tolerate disrespectful emails. Nor does it mean you have to tell absolutely everything to your ex or allow them to micromanage your parenting time. You each deserve some privacy and autonomy.

In fact, communicating well as co-parents involves respecting each other’s limits. It’s a great idea to explicitly set boundaries with your ex. Do your part to obey the limits in good faith, and apologise when you make a mistake. Thank your co-parent for respecting your boundaries, and calmly hold them accountable when they don’t.

Rebuilding Your Co-Parenting Dynamic for Your Child’s Sake

It’s widely recognised that it’s in a child’s best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. Sometimes there’s a reason to exclude one parent from the child’s life, but apart from situations of parental abuse or neglect, children generally benefit from meaningful, frequent contact with both parents.

In the UK, it’s common for courts to order shared parenting, meaning that the court divides parenting time close to equally. You’ll have to follow the order, and that will entail working together with your former spouse.

While some exes remain amicable and genuinely appreciate knowing what’s happening in each other’s lives, others insist on limiting conversations to matters involving their child. If one of you wants minimal interaction, the other has to accept reality and learn to let go.

And while spouses may have once enjoyed regular contact with each other’s family members and friends, most divorcing people find that those mutual connections decrease and eventually disappear. An exception would be if one of those adults is a carer for their child.

To help grant each other a sense of freedom and privacy, some co-parents agree to use only a designated messaging app with each other. Or they may agree to refrain from mentioning each other on social media.

Divorce is no easy road, but starting today, you can strive to build a good life for yourself and your child. By putting your best foot forward and interacting in good faith with your ex, you form a new co-parenting dynamic. What you do today leads to a better tomorrow.

Read more articles by Custody X Change.

About Tucker Lieberman

Tucker Lieberman is a Writer / Researcher for Custody X Change. After a decade with an investment company focusing on saving for university, he now writes about co-parenting arrangements.

About Custody X Change: This powerful tool helps divorced and single parents create parenting plans, track their custody schedules, manage expenses and more. Since 2005, we’ve helped over 60,000 parents ensure the best possible future for their children.

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Grandparents' Rights: What Happens When Your Grandchildren's Parents Divorce?
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Grandparents’ Rights: What Happens When Your Grandchildren’s Parents Divorce?

Published on
Rina Mistry
Rina Mistry
Senior Associate & Solicitor
Nelsons Solicitors

When two parents decide to divorce, there is of course a ripple effect on other members of the family, including children and grandparents. Rina Mistry, senior associate specialising in family law at leading East Midlands law firm Nelsons discusses the legal rights of grandparents, and the challenges that can come up during a parental divorce.

Grandparents play an important role in their grandchildren’s lives – they often act as secondary guardians, they may be involved in special occasions like birthdays and family events, and they can be a link to a grandchild’s traditional culture or religion.

Separation and divorce in any family is an unsettling and uncertain time, with potentially new living arrangements and changes to routines for children and other relatives.

There is often an assumption that grandparents have automatic rights to see their grandchildren, when unfortunately, this is not the case. The law does not give grandparents (maternal or paternal) any automatic rights to be in their grandchild’s lives. This means that if parents choose to keep their children away from grandparents, they are free to do so. This can have a significant impact on the grandparent-grandchild relationship.

Challenges

Grandparents may face a number of hurdles when navigating their grandchildren’s parents’ divorce. Communication may become more challenging, particularly between ex-spouses, which can make it hard to keep contact with grandchildren – especially those that are very young.

In more serious situations, there can be the issue of parental alienation – usually this happens when one parent intentionally tries to damage the relationship between the other parent and the children by speaking badly about them or enforcing negative views. This can also happen with grandparents, which can be traumatic for grandchildren who may have had a close bond previously.

Talking it out

Despite not having automatic rights, grandparents still have options available to them. The first and usually the most effective is to try resolving all issues between the adults, whether it is directly or via the mediation process.

The situation can vary from case to case; it may be that the relationship between the adults has broken down or the grandparents are concerned for the children, and in an attempt to intervene they are denied any further time with the grandchild.

If legal advice is needed, grandparents will always be asked whether or not they have attempted to speak with the parents of the child to try and resolve the issues and further consideration will be applied as to whether correspondence from solicitors may assist to resolve the issues amicably.

If an agreement cannot be reached and a referral to mediation has not yet been made, this will be the next step. Mediation is not only a better option to try and resolve the issues but also far more cost-effective than making an application to Court. Compulsory attendance will be needed at a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM). There are exemptions available, for example if the grandchild is at significant risk of harm, but in most cases, the Court will expect grandparents to attempt to resolve issues through mediation. 

Court application

If mediation is considered inappropriate or is refused by the other party, then the only available option is making a formal application to Court to resolve the child arrangements. This is the last option most solicitors would advise, however, this may be the only available option if all else has failed.

As grandparents hold no parental responsibility, they will need to first ask the Court for permission before being able to make an application for a Child Arrangements Order. If the Court grants permission, then a formal application for a Child Arrangements Order can proceed. However, if the Court does not grant permission, progress would go no further.

Like all applications, the Court will consider each matter individually but must take into account the following:

  • The nature of the application
  • The applicant’s connection with the child
  • Any risk of the proposed application disrupting the child’s life to the extent that they would be harmed by it.

If Court is the only option available, then it is highly recommended that you seek independent legal advice regarding your position and next steps.

Maintaining relationships

Whatever course of action is taken, respectful communication is highly encouraged throughout the process between not only parents but all family members. Not only does this support a more efficient process, but it limits the emotional impact on children and paves the way for better relationships in the future.

Grandparents should take the same approach to not speak negatively about either parent in front of their grandchildren and instead look to focus on their best interests and ensuring they feel cared for and supported.

For more information on grandparents’ rights during a parental divorce, please contact the expert family law team at Nelsons, by visiting www.nelsonslaw.co.uk/personal-legal-services/family-law-solicitors/children-law

About Rina Mistry

Rina Mistry is a Senior Associate in Nelsons’ expert Family Law team, specialising in complex Private Children Law and focusing on several niche areas. These include parental alienation, cross-border jurisdictional disputes, and cases involving serious allegations of harm. She also handles matters related to internal and external relocation, whether temporary or permanent and international child abduction. Additionally, Rina is experienced in private children matters where a child or parent is neurodiverse, surrogacy, applications on behalf of grandparents, and same-sex parenting cases.

Rina takes a client-focussed approach and aims to achieve the best possible outcome for all her clients, considering and tailoring her advice to each individual set of circumstances, whilst always ensuring that the children’s best interests remain at the forefront.  Rina can support her clients in direct negotiations concerning arrangements, issuing a Court application or using alternative dispute resolution, such as mediation or arbitration.

Alongside children-related matters, Rina is also experienced in advising on all matters arising out of divorce and separation.

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Navigating International Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews
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Navigating International Divorce – TDM Expert Interviews

Published on
chloe-o-contributor
Chloe O.
Alternative Dispute Resolution professional and Certified Divorce Coach
The Divorce and Separation Coach

Introducing the latest transcript blog featuring an insightful interview with Chloe O., an experienced divorce coach specialising in international divorce. In this insightful interview, Chloe shares her expert knowledge on what international divorces are, the unique challenges they pose, and how to navigate them effectively. From dealing with cultural differences and cross-border legal systems to managing emotional stress, Chloe offers invaluable advice on making the process as amicable as possible.

Join us as we explore the common issues that arise in international divorces and practical strategies to help individuals maintain clarity, focus, and resilience during this complex journey.

Read on for the full transcript of our interview, “Navigating International Divorce: Challenges and Strategies.”

 

[Music]

Hello everybody, thank you so much for joining us again on The Divorce Magazine YouTube channel or on the website if that’s where you’re watching it. My name is Dr Soila, I’m the founding editor of The Divorce Magazine, it’s been running for, over 10 years, let’s put it that way, and um, today we have Chloe and um, Chloe has contributed to The Divorce Magazine quite a bit so we like that. Um, really interesting, and extremely informative content that you have sent to us so, if you haven’t met Chloe, please look her up on The Divorce Magazine or, on her Instagram.

Anyway she’ll tell us where to find her at the end of this um, interview so, Chloe is a mum of two pre-teen girls, and has been helping people through divorce and separation for over a decade now since her own um, divorce. I’m introducing you Chloe, I hope that’s okay? She was born in Paris, to a French father and uh, an American mother, and she’s been living in the UK for the past 15 years and is a very active um, member of the expert community.

Um, she has personally experienced divorce twice, um, the first from her father, the father of her children after six years of marriage, and the second divorce was also from the father of her children but in a very different context, where he needed to move abroad suddenly, and um, and that brought up all other issues that that um, included financial issues and child arrangement seeing as they would be living in different countries so the whole thing, kind of was brought up again is that right Chloe? Yeah, and that was a second experience, so given this story um, it’s not surprising the direction that Chloe took, which is to become a non-court dispute resolution, res, resolution professional and a certified divorce coach.

She now dedicates her time as you will see here and in other context uh, she dedicates her time to something particularly purposeful to her, which is supporting others through one of the most difficult and stressful life transitions that they can ever experience in their lives. So welcome Chloe, and, thank you so much for having me, pleasure, for coming and being with us today.

So I’m going to do this a little bit differently than I do with, with other um, interviews. I’ll ask you, tell us about your work, and what it entails. Yeah, so divorce coaches are, are a fairly new um, profession in the UK. Quite established in the US, it really depends on where you are in the world. But basically we insert ourselves between the work of a therapist, and the work of a lawyer. Our, our objective is to support people through the journey of divorce, from one end to the other ideally, and to be there really as their thinking partner, because there are thousands and thousands of decisions that need to be made um, in the context of your divorce and they’re not necessarily legal decisions.

So I work a lot with expat, there’s decisions with regards to which country they want to live in after divorce um, how are they’re going to arrange um, for their children to see both parents if they’re in different countries um, all the questions are around whether the settlement discussions are working the way they want and whether they’re, they can accept the proposals that their ex is making for them, to them. So there’s a lot of different issues that come up and that require some proper thinking. And your friends and family can be really helpful, but they’re not professional, they’re not trained um, I bring that specific training specifically around conflict management and negotiation skills. So my objective is to help my clients to divorce out of court, to reach agreements amicably, doesn’t mean they’re best friends, it means they do it collaboratively. And so I coach them through communication methods, negotiation strategies, and overall how to limit the conflict, so that the divorce can be as fast, as cheap, and as conflict free as possible.

And that can’t be easy because we already know because I’ve been through divorce myself, and we already know just how emotional, people can get when they’re going through divorce and what emotions can, arise in them and how, that can just bring the whole process to unravel and become quite conflictual. Yeah. Absolutely and big part of my job is helping people to identify these emotions, recognise and accept them, but also to make sure that they don’t tint their decision-making.

So the processes around fact-based decisions, because those are decisions you’re going to have to live with for quite a while after your divorce um, you want to make sure that they’re not made in the spur of the moment based on, on short-term emotions, but that they’re really thought through, and that you’ve, you know, compared those decisions to your long-term objectives, and to your children’s wellbeing needs. Yeah, yeah.

So today we’re looking at international divorces um, yes, which actually is so important because the world has become so small, it’s not a big, big world where trouble was much more complicated now it’s so much easier to travel and to settle in different parts of the world.

What is the process when going through an international divorce?

So why don’t you talk us through what you, what you have found or what the process is when you’re working with people who are going through or might end up going through an international divorce. Yeah, well I mean I think in general, you know, an expatriation or a national marriage all amazing opportunities, you get to learn about someone else’s culture, you get to go live in a new country, and discover a whole new world of, of opportunities new ways of thinking. What it does do though, is it, it does take tend to create a strain on the couple, it can create an imbalance. A lot of my clients have been the ones following their spouse um, either to, to their home country or they travelled together before the spouse’s job, and so they have had to put their own career on the, on the back burner a little bit, they have had to leave their own friends and family behind to follow this romantic relationship um, and, and what happens that a lot of couples have a hard time finding a new balance, that that works for them in that new context.

So there’s a lot of thinking that needs to go into the decision to move abroad even before um, you know you’re anywhere near divorce but once you get to the stage of divorce, it is particularly difficult, when you’re in that situation. First of all you’re far away from your friends, your family, your support network um, sometimes you’re getting divorced in a country where you don’t even speak the language, or you don’t speak it very well. You don’t know how the how the legal system works there, none of your friends and family can tell you, you know share advice because they divorced in another country um, and then there’s a lot of kind of legal elements to it that become complicated that don’t arise in a local divorce, and so that’s where having somebody who’s specialised and who can really guide you through, um, all those different implications for the divorce, that your typical lawyer or typical divorce coach wouldn’t be informed about um, that value is, is, is tremendous because that avoids making really costly mistakes later on.

What is an international divorce?

Yeah, yeah can I, I just realise that what, what do we actually mean by an international divorce? I, I just thought to myself that some people might see think about it that um, okay so you’re having your wedding and you go and you have it in Barbados, and then you’re going through divorce, do you get divorced, is that an international divorce where you have to go to Barbados to get the divorced you have it here? Or is it where you have a divorce while you’re living in, you move, you know immigrate to Barbados and you’re living there and then you go through divorce while you’re there?

So that there are very complex rules around which country is eligible to deal with a divorce and I, I would let a, a lawyer answer that question because it will depend on the country and there’s a lot of different conventions that regulate that, but that is one of the biggest decisions that people have to make very early on, with regards to their divorce is, which country do we get divorced in, and if they have ties to different countries, um, if one of them’s from France and the other one’s from the UK um, it might be that both countries would recognise their right to, to rule on this divorce.

That being said, every country has very different rules, very different laws, different ways of approaching divorce, you know, in the UK we’ve, since 2022 we have No Fault Divorce so you don’t need to prove any wrongdoing as for a divorce, in some countries you do. So you’re not going to approach it the same way, so that decision of choosing the right place for you to divorce has a lot of implications it’s not you know some countries take a lot longer to get divorced and some are a lot more expensive just because legal fees are more expensive um, there’s all kinds of rules that come into play with regards to how long you might have been married, or how long you’ve been separated, to be able to divorce. So you need to spend time understanding all of those differences, so that you can make an informed decision, and that’s usually one of the ones that most of my, my clients struggle with very early on, it’s an important decision yeah, okay.

What advice would you give to a parent who wants to relocate as a result of getting a divorce?

So let’s take an example, of a couple living in the UK, and they’re both from, you know um, which country sh, shall we pick they’re both from Kenya. O kay, they come here, and they’re, they’re living here married um, have children, and then they start going through a divorce, yeah, and one partner wants to take, you know, the mum says for instance, well we are having a divorce, I don’t need to be here anymore, I’m moving back to Kenya with my children. Um, do you have any advice as to how to manage that because that can be so difficult for the children for the, um, dad, and for the mum you know, how any…

It’s one of the big challenges that comes up in international divorce especially, in the example I was stating of people following being the one who followed their spouse. They were there for that person, it often doesn’t make much sense for them to stay in that country if they’re no longer married. Plus, you know when you’re get divorced it’s tempting to go back to somewhere that’s familiar and where you have your friends and family, so relocation comes up a lot and when you’re bring the kids with you, it becomes very complex. Um, there’s a lot of rules that you know that prevent you taking your without permission of the other parents, you’re not allowed to kidnap the child even if you don’t see it as kidnapping, as you think it it’s just taking travelling abroad with your child, so you need to be really careful about how you do that and understand the local laws, with regards to that.

But in general it’s a very difficult thing to uh, to force the other person to do through the legal system which means that it is typically something that you want to negotiate. You want to sit down with your spouse and say listen this is why I think it’s in the best interest of the children for us to go back to Kenya in your example, this is how we would work, this is what I suggest, and really try as much as possible to bring them along on that journey and to get them to understand the value, of the children and to agree to all of the, the nitty gritty of how it’ll work.

So I have a template that I, I make available for free on my website, to help people plan long-distance co-parenting, because there’s a lot of things to think about. Who’s going to pay for the children’s flights back and forth, from what age can they go on their own, who takes care as of Visas, if there’s need for visas in one country or the other, who keeps the passports, um, how is contact maintained outside of those times of visitation, what does that mean in terms of devices you provide to the child, so the other parent can contact them. There, there’s just so many dimensions that you need to anticipate, and the more you can document those up front, the less conflict you get later on, because both parents are on the same page and have agreed as to how it’s going to work. So that’s something I spend a lot of time working with my clients because it’s very common that they, they want to go back to their home country. Yeah, yeah.

Have you experienced any cases where relocation is not possible post-divorce?

And do you know of any cases where, that had, you know, maybe the dad, or the mum, has wanted to relocate well I’ll come back to that one, but um, and the, the judges have said I’m sorry you can’t relocate, I know this is more like a legal issue but you know from, from the work that you do, have you met any families where the relocation has not been possible post-divorce?

There’s case where, there’s places where it goes, it goes to court, and you know it’s a bit of a Russian Roulette when you go to court, you never really know what the judge is going to decide. In general, it ends up with a very binary decision, you know, one parent has the, the children and the other doesn’t. The beauty of negotiating the agreement, is that you can round the edges a little bit, you know it’s always going to be binary you’re not going to send the child to school, you know, halfway between Kenya and the UK, but um, you can still make, make it happen in a way that allows parent who’s being left without the children, to feel like they’re still very involved in part of the children’s day-to-day life, and that’s where you need to really speak to each other, to find the best possible arrangements for you and for your children. Yeah.

Yeah, and I think that’s where the children really come into you know very child-centred, very child focussed, what’s the best thing for the children, especially, probably if one parent had, both parents have been very active in their lives and then they lose, the presence of one parent you know pretty much, you know as it was, then you know the distance grow not just geographical distance, but also, relational distance. The you know, the wellbeing and the best interest of the children are always the paramount priority for any court, so if it did go to court, that’s what they would look like and each parent would have to show, how it’s better for the children to be in X or Y country. Yeah, so you know whether it’s just having the conversation directly with your, your ex or if it’s through the courts, you need to be able to articulate why this is better for the children, and how it would work in practice. Show that you’re not trying to alienate the other parent, um, that there really is no ill intent there, it’s purely because it feels like the right thing to do for the children at this stage. Yeah, yeah, okay.

In your experience, what was it like when your ex-spouse decided to move countries? How did the dynamic change?

If I can use your example, your life’s example, for your life’s experience as an example, where you were, I’m assuming you were in the UK, and then your ex was the one who was going to, to leave. Um, and you had already come to some kind of agreement, and you know, and all of that so what, what changed what um, you see what I’m asking? Yes well a lot changed and partly because, the way we handled the first the actual divorce, versus the second uh, iteration was very different. So when we originally got divorced um, we got divorced very amicably, we prepared a lawyer which you were able to do and got divorced in France, you could do that at the time in France, and you know we spent a thousand pounds, three months of our life and that was it, it was sorted and he lived 10 doors down the street, saw the children very regularly, we weren’t best friends, but we got on, and we were able to co, to co- parent at least together um, and then you know several years down the line, things had changed, he had met somebody new, I actually had met somebody new too, but the influence of this new person in his life, led to him moving abroad. And that transition was not handled nearly as smoothly as the first one, um, partly because I wasn’t aware that he was moving abroad, it happened suddenly um, and so there was a long period of uncertainty I didn’t know where he was, before finally receiving a lawyer, a letter from a lawyer telling me that he’d moved abroad.

So the way it was handled and the fact that, we didn’t speak to each other directly at any point during that process, and it lasted about a year, the negotiation, and the court process, we did didn’t speak to each other because, he was intent on only communicating via lawyers, so it cost both of us a fortune it took a long… Yeah, I was just thinking how much that would have cost. Oh it goes so quickly, we were just talking about it the other day, we were reminiscing now we get on nicely but at the time, it was incredibly difficult for our relationship, I felt very betrayed by the fact that I had been blind, blindsided by his departure, um, I can’t speak for what he felt but, there was a lot of tension, and what the difference was, between our ability to co-parent originally, and after that happened, was night and day.

The collaboration, the communication, even the quality of the time of the, the transitions when, when the children were going from me to him, or him to me, um, you know originally we used to meet for coffee and just have coffee out together and then the children will go off with one of us. Um, for a long time after high conflict divorce, um, I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, the transition, were you know the handovers happened at the front door to about 8 seconds, and ended up with the door being shut in someone’s face, and you know that has a huge impact on the children. It’s horrible for the parents, but the children get to see their parents not even being able to speak to each other, and so the cost of that, is massive, and that’s where having those, those conversations early on about what would happen if one of us moved abroad, would have really helped prevent a lot of those issues.

How do you manage the child arrangements in an international divorce?

Yeah. Yeah. So how did you manage that child arrangement? Because as you was saying before the, the, the divorce before the, um, interview started, we’re just saying it’s already hard enough getting to an amicable or, an agreed child arrangement when you’re in the same city, or the same town, or the same village, um, compared to live alone being in the same country, how do you manage child arrangement?

The advantage we had, is that there was no um, there was no conflict about where the children were going to be living because he had um, left with so we weren’t fighting around, you know, the main residence of the children. Uh, but there was a lot of back and forth around the logistics for holidays um, and which countries they could travel to, who would come and pick them up and whether in this case he had to come pick him up in London, or whether I could bring him to wherever he was, um, notice periods, if things need to change, and how that would happen, and I think there’s a lot of things that in hindsight, I would have handled lot better uh, that now I think, now I have to live with these agreements and actually some bits of it don’t work for me, but we’ve put so much time and effort and pain, into reaching them that, we’re just kind of living with what, what we’ve got, but I’d like to share those lessons with people who are in those earlier stages of divorce, to make sure that they think through, what that feels like, what that looks like in practice when they agree to certain things.

So, so one example is, you know oftentimes somebody will want to take the children back to their home country, and they’ll tell the other spouse, or the ex-spouse, in exchange you can have the children for all school holidays. Which seems like as much as they can give right, it’s all the available time, but for the person who is taking the children with them, that means they will never again spend a school holiday with their children. That’s quite a big implication, it depends how old they are, but if they’re young, that could be 10 years, 15 years of never taking a holiday with your children. You have to think through these kind of proposals, and really make sure that it’s something you can live with in the long term, and that’s not going to cause problems down the line. Yeah, yeah because otherwise the one who’s not having holidays with their children they become, the strict parent, and the other one is a fun parent, which happens a lot.

How would you solve the issue of who is having the children and when?

Um, so that’s one thing so how would you solve that that issue for example, who’s having the children when, while one parent is in the UK for instance, and the other one is in Kenya? The issue is really individual for each family because it depends on their children, depends on how old they are, and how they react to change, how attached they are to each parent, how long they’ve been living in the country where they’re being taken from, so there’s a lot of different factors but, in, in general the best thing to do is to try and maintain as much regular contact as possible.

So people get very hung up about the holidays, and that makes sense because that’s when you get to actually see your child, but what creates a relationship, is that ongoing contact, and how do you make sure that the parent who’s far away, is still part of the children’s daily life, that they’re involved in health care decisions, education decisions, parent teacher meetings, all of those things how do you plan for that in a way that they can be put brought in on Zoom, or in some other way, and that they’re involved but really so they can stay close to their, their children, and then the other element is culture. I mean in your example both parents were from Kenya, but if you’ve got, you know, for example the father who’s British, and the mother is Kenyan, and she take children back to Kenya, it may be that the father’s worried and the children’s English is going to get less good, or that, they’re going to lose touch with their British culture, and so how do you build that into the children’s routine so that both parents remain, you know, part of their day-to-day life, and the influence of both parents remains part of their day-to-day life.

Yeah, and these days is so, there’s so many ways of keeping in touch like you’re saying, a parenting meeting you can call in for you know, on Zoom or on Teams or, you know, yeah, you can yes exactly, you just need to have your phone really with you, to plan ahead, to make sure that you’re thinking of time differences and, you know, letting the other person know as well about the times of the appointments. And I’m assuming that when you’re making those, you know, the structured co-parenting plan, um, that you keep in mind the ages of the children because now they’re two and four, but when they get to 14, they can fly on their own, you know, so what will that look like or, you know um.

That’s a big element Soila, because I think in general whether it’s an expat divorce or not, um, a lot of people tend to design their parenting plans based on today, and what the children need and, and do and, and they’re at today, and they forget to think about the future, and when they’re going to grow up, and things like at what age can they travel on their own, you know, if your children are two and four today, you probably don’t have that in mind at this stage you know it seems so far away, but really thinking about the long term and how that will work. What also happens if one of the two parents meet somebody new, how will that person be introduced, how will they be eased into the children’s lives. If you can anticipate all of that, at a time where you’re not in the heart of the storm, when you’re not living those events that can trigger a lot of emotions, you can anticipate, and look at them more cool-headedly, and make decisions that are actually in the best interest of the children, rather than based on emotions in in the moment of crisis. Yeah.

Oh there’s so much that is going on through my mind as you’re speaking, even when, when you started speaking about, what if they met somebody new, and I’m thinking okay, the parent who doesn’t live with their children, like um, the parent who’s left in the UK, who only sees the children, you know holiday time for instance, and the children are so excited to come and see their parent here, and then the parent has met somebody else, at what point do you introduce this person to them, the kids want to come and hang out with their parent and then oh, there’s this other person in the house, and where’s, I want my time with my mum or my dad and you know, so it can just cause so many other, um, so many things to think about.

So I’m assuming one of the things you’re saying is that make the plan as structured as possible but not set in stone. Well you know what I, I think there there’s two sides to that. Not set in stone in stone because life, and things change, and children grow, and circumstances change, so you can never sign a co-parenting agreement, you know, when your when your children are two and four and say that’s going to stand until they’re 18, the reality is will not let you do that, um, that being said, I think that it’s important to have a baseline, when having a discussion and documenting decisions you make as a couple, around how things will work, allows everybody to be on the same page.

It takes away a lot of the disagreements later on, because usually it’s the fine print that leads to conflict uh, so things around, if you need um, to have to get papers from the other parent to renew the children’s passports for example, how long ahead of time do you need to ask them, and what’s the timeline by which they need to provide those? That can cause, I’ve seen so many people have so much conflict around that because they’ve booked an appointment at the embassy they’re ready to go for the passports and the other parent hasn’t sent the documents, and they’re arguing, and this is a very small example, but it leads to so much back and forth and so much tension between the parents, and it’s just not necessary. If they just agreed, will, you know, any request will be made for weeks ahead and you have two weeks to provide them that’s it, everyone knows where they stand.

It doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible, if your ex is on holiday at that time and says I can’t send them right away it’ll be an extra week, it’s fine, but you have an agreed baseline, and I think that’s where the beauty of a documented arrangement is, is really live yeah, okay.

Thank you so much, but before we, how can people reach you Chloe,? Where can they find? So they can reach me by through my website, I have a link there to book a free discovery call, I always offer a free touch point, to get to know each other, to make sure that I’m the right person to help them, to make sure for them, to make sure that they’re comfortable speaking to me, and that I’m the right person for them, and just making sure it’s a good match. So they can book a free discovery call we have that informal chat, and they can decide at that stage whether they want to continue or not.

I do encourage people to check out my website because there are as you said earlier, a lot of free resources, I write blog articles, I have a podcast, I have a newsletter, do videos there’s a lot of information there, and I’m a very strong believer that information is key. It is really the power that allows you to handle your divorce properly. And you do have the free download? Yes everything is, is there for free it’s really a wealth of information, the idea is that people can gather that information and then we can work together to make sure that we’re tailoring the journey to their specific family. Yeah, okay. Thank you so much Chloe and um, thank you for having me, contact details at the you know at the bottom and people can contact you through that, and um, yeah, thank you and you know please keep sending your articles through, they’re amazing, well thank you so much, thank you, take care.

[Music]

Read more articles by Chloe O.

About Chloe O.

“My name is Chloe O., I am an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) professional and a Certified Divorce Coach. I specialise in working with women to help them reduce conflict during and after divorce by improving their negotiation and communication skills with their spouse. The objective is to work towards an amicable divorce outcome in order to minimise the emotional and financial cost of divorce. I work with all types of clients but I have extensive experience in supporting expatriates and international families who are dealing with the unique situation of living abroad during and after their divorce, with limited local family support, language barriers and relocation considerations.”

For more information about my work and services (including my Podcasts, newsletter, myth-buster videos…), you can visit my website and/or follow me on Instagram, Facebook or LinkedIn.

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Doing it For the Kids: Co-Parenting Strategies For the New Year
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Doing it For the Kids: Co-Parenting Strategies For the New Year

Published on
Emma Alfieri - Co-Parenting
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Following separation, often parents start the arrangements for their shared children without much of a plan whilst the family settle into their new situation.  Sometimes parents might adjust the arrangements over time until they can settle into a routine that suits the family.

Sadly, and often where there is poor communication and the co-parenting relationship is not a strong one, the arrangements later breakdown.

Cafcass, the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service say that if children experience poor inter-parental relations or do not know when they are next seeing the other parent, they are more likely to worry, especially if there are long gaps between visits without an explanation.  Therefore, it is important for separated parents to always put the children’s needs first, despite any differences with their former partner.

As a family lawyer, I am often approached by separated parents who seek to regulate the arrangements between them and the other parent.  Before considering Court intervention, there are a number of tools available that can help separated parents to co-parent more effectively:

  • A Parenting Plan – Parents can work together and formulate a Parenting Plan, which is a plan negotiated and agreed between the parents setting out what the arrangements for the child / children will be. For a free Parenting Plan template, visit: www.planningtogether.cafcass.gov.uk/plan
  • Parenting App – Where there is conflict between parents, and they struggle to communicate, a Parenting App should be considered. There are many free and paid Parenting Apps available, and the idea is that the App is used by the parents for discussion about the children only, and it can include things like calendars, ability to make audio and video calls, share expenses, make payments and maintain a secure text communication with the other parent.   Feedback from parents who have tried this have reported that limiting communication to an App has been helpful.
  • A parenting course. Attended alone or together, a parenting course can be a useful way for parents to gain insight about positive co-parenting and the benefits to the child / children. The courses usually consider how parents can effectively communicate and work together with the other parent to agree co-parenting arrangements without the need for Court intervention.
  • Mediation – If separated parents cannot agree the arrangements for the child / children, then they should consider Family Mediation. This is a process in which an independent professional trained Mediator helps the parents work out the arrangements for the children. The Mediator will help to try and find a solution which works for both parents.  The process is less stressful and significantly quicker than going to Court, and Mediators work with separating parents in ways that are flexible.  If separated parents do not want to be in the same space, then often remote Mediation sessions can take place.
  • Child Inclusive Mediation – This is a structured process which is suitable for older children where a qualified family mediator speaks to the child / children to ascertain their wishes and feelings. Where the children give permission, these wishes and feelings are then shared by the mediator with the parents in a separate feedback meeting. The parents can then use this information to agree the child arrangements moving forwards.

Conclusion

The risk to a deterioration in the child / children’s emotional wellbeing and mental health increases significantly where separated parents have a high level of conflict between them.  Therefore, separated parents are encouraged to consider how they can try and work together and communicate.

Remember that as children get older, often their needs will change. Therefore, when arrangements for children are made when children are very young, sometimes those arrangements could have a limited shelf life and later need to be reviewed – another reason to try and remain amicable with the other parent, where possible.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance: Understanding the Differences
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Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance: Understanding the Differences

Published on
Nicki Mitchell
Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers Family Law

Sponsored article by Jones Myers Family Law.

In the countdown to the festive season, concerns over finances can understandably escalate – especially for those divorcing and separating who have children but do not have their own income streams.

The aim of this article is to provide key insights into Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance.

While they are often believed to be inextricably linked, they are two very distinct issues.

Child Maintenance Support

How do divorcing/separating couples work out Child Maintenance?

Child Maintenance is something which needs to be considered whenever separating couples have children, regardless of whether they were married or not and whatever their financial circumstances.

The Child Maintenance Service (CMS), a stand-alone government body,  provides a formula for parents to calculate child support.

Most separated couples will use the formula as a basis for agreeing the level of child support to be paid and make informal arrangements for this to be paid directly.

Divorcing couples have the option of including their agreement on child support in the order (often known as a consent order) which sets out their agreement as to how their assets, debts, pensions etc will be divided.

Which parent is responsible for paying the support?

The parent with whom the children spend less time will be responsible for paying child support to the other parent.  Where the children’s time and the child care responsibilities are shared equally between the parents then no child support is usually payable.

If there is any dispute between the parents about whether this is the case then the CMS will generally assume the primary carer to be the parent who receives Child Benefit and assess child support accordingly.

For how long does Child Maintenance continue?

The paying parent is obligated to provide child maintenance until the child completes “qualifying education” which is generally full-time secondary education but can include other forms of ongoing study such as some apprenticeships. No child support is payable after the child attains the age of twenty.

What happens if parents cannot agree on the level of support?

If the parents are unable to agree then either one of them can make an application the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) for a calculation.

The CMS will calculate the support payable using a six-step process.

The various stages include determining the paying parent’s yearly gross income. The relevant parent usually provides this. However, the CMS can obtain the information from HM Revenue and Customs (HMRC) if the parents do not supply this.

Factors, such as pensions and school fees, which could change the paying parent’s financial situation, are also assessed before converting the yearly gross income into a weekly figure.

Key criteria the calculator draws on includes the number of children receiving the income and the level of what is called ‘shared care.’ This is based on how much time the child/children of the paying parent spends with them and includes overnight stays.

What happens if the paying parent loses their job?

Either parent can let the CMS know of a change in circumstance. The Agency will then re-evaluate and reduce the level of support the paying parent needs to provide based on the calculator system.

What happens if the paying parent refuses to pay?

The receiving parent can contact the CMS which would then take appropriate enforcement measures such as applying for a court order to take legal action.

What happens if the paying parent dies during the support period?

CMS payments would cease on the death of the paying parent. State benefits, such as Universal Credit, may be available to the surviving parent, depending on their circumstances at the time.

Are there any other options besides the CMS for parents to agree Child Maintenance?   

Agreements between parents can be negotiated with support from experienced family law experts such as Jones Myers.

Our specialist services include mediation, a non-confrontational option for parents to reach a solution in a spirit of co-operation which puts their children’s best interests first.

As a qualified Mediator and Child Inclusive Mediator I regularly see at first hand the  benefits of the mediation process for parents, children and the wider family.

Spousal Maintenance

Divorce does not automatically bring an end to the financial obligations between divorcing and separating couples.

Significant income disparities between spouses may require ongoing financial support to prevent undue hardship, especially when considering the well-being of any children involved.

What is Spousal Maintenance?

Spousal Maintenance is a payment made by one party to the other as part of the financial settlement on their divorce or separation.

Usually, it is paid every month and can last for either a defined period or, in increasingly rare cases, until one of the former spouses dies.

Spousal Maintenance is different from Child Maintenance, which is statutory. It is not an automatic  entitlement and only applies to divorcing couples.

How is the amount and duration agreed?

There is no set formula for working out Spousal Maintenance payments. How much is paid and for how long can be settled through mutual agreement between a spouse and their ex during divorce proceedings.

Information is exchanged about each spouse’s income and their monthly outgoings. If one spouse has insufficient income to meet their needs and the other can afford to make up or contribute to that shortfall then Spousal Maintenance may be appropriate.

Interim Spousal Maintenance can be agreed or ordered in the initial stages of separation to ensure that the spouse who is weaker financially can manage their basic monthly outgoings.

Does getting Spousal Maintenance involve going to Court? 

If the couple are unable to come to a mutual agreement, the Court can decide whether Spousal Maintenance should be paid.

In every case the Court must consider the possibility of a Clean Break Order – which severs all financial ties between the couple.

If a Clean Break Order is not appropriate immediately, the court will order what the Judge considers to be a reasonable level  of Spousal Maintenance – and for how long this must be paid.

The court will have before it detailed information about the income available and each party’s income needs. Spousal Maintenance is usually only ordered for a fixed period of time, long enough to enable an adjustment to independence.

How can couples reach a solution without going to court?  

More couples are turning to non-confrontational options, which allow them to retain control of decisions which affect them, put their children’s best interests first and avoid costly and destructive court battles.

They include negotiation, mediation or collaborative practice where couples and their lawyers commit to find a positive solution without going to court and sign a binding agreement to that effect. Our specialist lawyers at Jones Myers have extensive experience in advising couples in these areas.

In what circumstances is Spousal Maintenance terminated?

When Spousal Maintenance ends will be set out in the court order.  Typically this will be when the spouse receiving the payments has had time to adjust to independence or when their financial needs are reduced. For example, when the children finish school or university, or they leave home.

Spousal Maintenance will cease when one of the spouses dies or if the recipient of the maintenance gets married again or enters into a civil partnership.

What happens if the parties situation changes?   

If the circumstances of the spouses alter significantly after a Spousal Maintenance Order has been made, they can agree to change the payments ordered and send an agreed order to the Court which supersedes the original order.  If agreement is not possible then either of them can apply to the Court to vary the terms of the order.

The Court will consider factors such as changes in income, employment status or financial needs to assess if a variation is appropriate.

For vital areas of law such as Child Maintenance and Spousal Maintenance, I cannot emphasise enough the importance of consulting experienced family lawyers like Jones Myers.

Offering expert legal advice to our clients, we help them to understand their legal position and options.

Providing legal guidance and representation with child maintenance disputes, we support clients to ensure that the child maintenance arrangements are fair and reasonable.

Our approach prioritises resolving disputes in a non-confrontational manner, allowing us to assist couples in reaching voluntary agreements for child maintenance.

We can also assist in negotiating Spousal Maintenance agreements to reach a fair and mutually acceptable solution. If an agreement cannot be reached through negotiation, we can represent clients in court proceedings to seek a Spousal Maintenance Order or to vary an existing order.

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

With three decades experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator, child inclusive mediator and collaborative family lawyer Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns. Direct Dial: 01904 202553 or email  Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk  www.jonesmyers.co.uk

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