children and divorce - Page 9

divorced dads

How to Avoid Parental Alienation

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Andrew Ford www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Andrew Ford

Andrew Ford separated from the mother of his youngest daughter when she was only a year old.

During the past 5 years, it has been a challenge to get to see her regularly.  He also has a 13-year-old daughter from an earlier marriage.

Although he now has fairly regular access to his youngest, it remains difficult at times.

Andrew is not alone.

National statistics show that Britain has the highest proportion of fatherless families (2 million) of any major European country, and 1 in 3 children – nearly 4 million in total – live without their father. Of those children, 1 in 3 will lose contact with their dads permanently, according to the Centre for Social Justice.

Andrew shares some tips for estranged and divorced dads to help them maintain and improve contact with their children and avoid parental alienation.

How to Avoid Parental Alienation

1.   Formalise the contact: Secure a formal contact arrangement with your children by talking to their mother and getting a contact order through the courts. This should cover holidays, weekends and drop-off / collection arrangements. Such a schedule provides a basis for quality time together throughout the year.

2.   Plan your year: Buy a calendar to note and plan all the arranged contacts and key dates throughout the year. A methodical approach will make the exercise more manageable, and enjoyable. Also plan early for special dates such as weddings, anniversaries and funerals – I recently needed to do this for my daughters to attend my parents’ – their grandparents’- 50th wedding anniversary.

parental alienation www.thedivorcemagazine.co.uk
Get online: There are many ways to avoid parental alienation

3.   Get online: Modern technology is crucial to maintain contact with your children. E-mail is great for ongoing communication – either directly with an older child, or to confirm arrangements with the child’s mother.

I CC my mother, older daughter, the grandmother of my youngest, and my new partner, Dawn, in on such e-mails, as it’s a good way of reinforcing contact details and dates, which often involve the extended family.

4.   Get smart: A good way to stay in touch with your older child on a daily basis is via the free Smart phone apps WhatsApp and Viber, as this is how they’re having conversations with their friends today.

I chat to my older daughter on WhatsApp every day, sharing photos and other updates – such as what’s happening at their other home, when I’m travelling or just popping to do some shopping. It keeps her close and involved even if she’s not in the same location.

5.   Store your memories in an online memory bank:  My daughters want to see my face, expression and mannerisms not just read a text or listen to my disembodied voice! To feel like I am there, even when I am not there and for that I use an online memory bank which allows me to video record and store all sorts of information for my daughters in a secure digital memory bank.  This includes stories about my childhood and family facts and even some advice.

Our time together is limited, this way they can get information when they are away from me, answers to questions they don’t know to ask and which we can chat about when we are together.   Lifestorybank is the one I use but you can check online for other online memory banks.

Andrew Ford is a dad of two girls and an independent marketing consultant.

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Best Cruises for Kids

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce

It can be overwhelming taking your first vacation with your children post-divorce, when you book for one of those single parent holidays such as cruises for kids.

You may have had special places that you journeyed to as a family or you miss having some adult time. Your holiday budget has shrunk, but not your wanderlust.

Make sure that you have a notarized letter from the other parent giving you permission to travel outside of the country. It is easier to get passports or renewals if it’s part of the divorce agreement. I got permission for specific future trips abroad during my divorce.

My husband balked at first, but the interim child psychologist pointed out that he was jeopardizing his parental bonds by doing this.

All inclusive holidays made it much easier to stay within my decreased means.

I also could take my divorced mother along on cruises and my sons have fond memories of globetrotting with Gran. Entertainment, meals and activities are included. What is nice is that my sons enjoyed the kids and teens clubs and still are in touch with some of their buddies from previous cruises.

Once you take a cruise, you are entitled to a past passenger discount and even more if you book another one while still on board. I like going to the concerts and shows and my boys can do other activities, if these are not appealing. Also, I am not paying for individual tickets for transportation between cities.

The ports of call are pleasing to all age groups even to those still in a stroller. My son had his best birthday party ever which was given by the staff on the QE2.

Cruises for Kids

Royal Caribbean has special “Divorced Dads and Kids Cruises” particularly on their Allure of the Seas and Oasis of the Seas ships. These are designed to strengthen the bond between father and children.

There are fun activities for the kids and dad can nip into the casino or have a pint with new pals.

Other lines, such as Norwegian, have also had special cruises for divorced people. I took regular cruises and met some life-long friends.

Do an online search and there are websites, such as Single Parent Travel and Cruisemates that have trips for single parents.

There are all inclusive resorts both in the UK and abroad that welcome single parents and children. The Caribbean has an overabundance of these and one company is “Beaches Resorts” which is owned by Sandals.

They are kid friendly and keep the little ones active while parents relax on the beach. They include meals, snacks, entertainment and non-motorized water sports for one price.

“Grand Pineapple Beach” has a few resorts in the Caribbean and claim to be an exceptional value. Club Med has been around for decades and welcomes children too.

If one wants to get away without tots in tow there are some fun options. Surf Diva Camp is in Costa Rica and has all female classes teaching how to surf.

Many of these women have recently gone through break ups. In the Grenadines, Barefoot Off Shore Sailing School has both co-ed and all female sailing programs.

Kamalame Cay, Bahamas has “Le Divorce” package that includes unlimited booze, snorkeling and many spa treatment plus other surprises.

The Miraval Resort in Tucson, Arizona has “Wellness Specials” not only to pamper, but help people recover from break ups. These wellness specialists help guests gain insight and provide yoga and other activities.

Think about starting new trip traditions. It could be painful travelling to the same spots you visited as a couple.

One woman started taking a nice trip with her mother each year post-divorce. I had my mother join us for some with my sons. Others do a spa weekend with girlfriends. I met some women in my travels who recently started taking trips with their sisters.

A friend began mountain climbing post-divorce and did a trek up Mt. Kilimanjaro. One can lose possessions, but not life experiences.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Successful Co-Parenting A Child’s View

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help with successful co-parentingIf video below doesn’t appear immediately, refresh page et voila!

The Successful Co-Parenting program was created by Ohio State University Extension for parents going through divorce. It aims to teach parents how to co-parent together cooperatively for the benefit of their child. This video was created to use with the program to help show parents some of the feelings their child may be going through during this time. 

Youtube – Ohio State University.

 

It would be great to know what you think of this video.

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life post-divorce

Losing Family Members Post-Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

One would think family members would be supportive during divorce, but that is not always the case.

There are a myriad of reasons for this with one being not wanting to take sides. My mother would often hang up on me when I called during my divorce. She had a summer place, so this necessitated having a girlfriend drive over to her house and tape a note to her door.

My husband and I jointly owned a house with her, so financial discussions were imperative during these proceedings. She wanted to pretend this event was not happening.

Fortunately she gave unconditional love and support to her grandsons. Be forewarned that this could happen to you.

Some relatives may have anger towards you. While they are unsupportive, it does not mean that they are on your spouse’s side. It could be that your divorce elicits painful memories of theirs and they do not want to relive them. Do you have a relative who is just a bitter, mean person? Your divorce is another thing to hold against you.

Remember that this nonsupport and unkindness is their issue. It is something that they are dealing with, even though it can be hurtful for you. In one case there was paternal abuse and the sons had very limited visitation. The grandfather told a crying grandson over the phone, that they were severing ties unless those boys resumed a relationship with their dad.

How do you deal with unsupportive relatives?

One solution is to limit visits to an hour or so once a month, never on a holiday. You might consider meeting in a public place for these. If something rude is said, leave immediately. Decide what you will and will not tolerate and go from there.   It may be best to limit contact to holiday cards in more extreme cases.

I informed my step-mother that in abuse situations it was not therapeutic for children to have close family members stay in contact with the abusive parent.

My sons even told her specific details. I acknowledged that this was her choice either way, however if she stayed in contact with my ex, we would only be able to share superficial aspects of our lives, nothing personal. When she continued to mention that their father was feeling hurt, then we had to pull away and only exchange cards.

One woman’s step-sister resented her intrusion into the family from day one. After this woman’s divorce, the toxic step-sister made a big point of staying in touch with that ex online. Reducing or eliminating contact may be the only option for protecting you and your children.

In a few divorces, family members want to stay in contact, but have obstacles.

After a man divorced his wife, she fell apart and her health condition worsened, requiring intermittent hospital stays. Her pre-teen daughter was at the stage where they start distancing themselves from their parents.

Anne became enamoured with her new glamorous step-mother. This narcissistic woman swept Anne away   as if she were a trophy prize. Meanwhile Anne’s maternal grandparents tried desperately to maintain a relationship with her, but were thwarted by the step-mother and father. I urged them to get a solicitor to help sort out this situation and apparently they chose not to.

They gave up when their daughter died and moved far away. On a happier note, nieces by marriage told their aunt that she was to “get custody” of them in her divorce. That was a sweet way of letting Dana know that they were continuing their relationship with her post-divorce.

You may have a close, loving relationship with your in-laws. In divorce this can change if they feel it is disloyal to their offspring to remain in contact with you. Or the relationship may change to a more casual one.

You can certainly contact your in-laws and let them know you would be happy to bring their grandchildren around from time to time. If your best buddy is your former wife’s brother, then there will be a sense of loss if you are dropped.

Acknowledge your grief. In the vast majority of times, family sticks by the divorcing person. If this is not your case, be reassured that you are not alone and it is not your fault.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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Deal with divorce
Children deal with divorce differently depending on age

Children Deal with Divorce Differently

Published on
Dealing with Divorce Pain
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist, Family Mediator
Founder of The Divorce Magazine

We all know and understand that each child is different and how he or she handles divorce will be unique to them.  Yet we are also probably aware that the reaction that they have will also depend on their age or developmental stage.

So how  a 5 year old takes the news and deals with the experience will be different to that of a 10 year old as it would be for the 15 year old sibling.

Some children are so young when their parents divorce that they don’t ever remember them being together. Others are old enough to always remember what took place, what they were doing when they found out about it and how it affected them.

Depending on the situation and circumstances, for some children it is nothing more than knowing that their dad won’t be living in the same house with them while for others it maybe a complete change of life from the way they have always known it.

Very young children, even those that aren’t old enough to talk yet can understand the emotions of people. They can often identify issues such as stress, tension, and they definitely know when their parents are upset.  They can also miss the non-resident parent once he/she moves out.

If you have a young child and are currently going through divorce, just observe any changes in their behaviours including increased clinginess, tearfulness, increased temper tantrums or change in feeding.

Children from about three years of age to around five will be able to verbalise some questions about the divorce. They will often notice that the other person isn’t around like they used to be. They may pose questions such as why the other parent doesn’t go to the park with them or whey they live someplace else.

It is important that their questions are answered without giving them too many unnecessary adult only details.  Just answer their questions as best as you can keeping in mind that they need to continue feeling secure and loved.

Children in MediationChildren aged between six to about eleven will most probably already know someone who has divorced parents and understand what divorce means and entails.

However, that doesn’t mean they are going to readily accept it and as with the little ones, be ready for some changes in behaviour, including anger and aggressiveness as they may simply become overwhelmed by their emotions.

They may lack the skills to effectively be able to handle what is taking place. Do your best to get them to talk about it even if they aren’t sure what they are feeling or why.  They may also hold the belief that they are in some way to blame for the divorce and may work at brining the parents together.

Older children, from twelve and up often understand more about divorce than any other age group and may attempt to find more detailed answers as to what is taking place or what happened.

Chances are that this older age group was well aware of some issues in the marriage before the announcement of the divorce entered the picture and will take sides which can be extremely difficult for the parents.  It is important to remember that this is part of who they are, their stage of development, so don’t take it personally if they side with your ex-spouse.

They are just doing what children of this age do.

It is very common for children in this age group to be also want to be a caregiver  for the parent they “favour”. Do your best to get your child to see both parents as equals and not use them as sounding boards. If you can offer a united front as far as the divorce and caring for the children though it will be easier for them to do so.

Children don’t need to be your confidante when it comes to the divorce. Turn to another adult for someone to listen or to a professional counsellor.

Divorce and separation bring on huge changes for all involved and parents and we, as the adults around the children, will need to get a handle on our own emotions if we are going to meet our children’s needs as effectively as possible.

As I often say, it’s not the divorce that matters the most but the way it’s handled.  This experience will be one of the many difficult experiences that your child will experience during his/her lifetime so let’s work hard to make it as painless as possible and help them deal with divorce the best way possible.

All the best.

Warm hugs,

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Parenting after Separation

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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Involvling other Experts in your Collaborative Law Process

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Collaborative law is where the couple come together with their own collaborative lawyer and discuss matters fact to face.  There are no letters sent.  Each client instructs their own collaborative lawyer and they, the clients and the solicitors sign an agreement not to make an application to court. If no agreement is reached in the meetings then new lawyers must be instructed if the matter is to go to court.

Austin Chessell
Family Solicitor and Mediator at Shortands Solicitors

When I started working in Family Law in 2005 I would regularly go to court four to five times a week. I thought that there must be a better way to achieve family outcomes as a lot of the clients who obtained a court order were not happy with the order and wanted to return to court to appeal the decision sometimes.

I trained as a Family Mediator in 2009 and as a Collaborative Family Solicitor in 2013 and have to say that the majority of  clients I act for today go through the Collaborative Law or Family Mediation process and tend to be more satisfied with these outcomes than they would be if they had gone through the court system.  The main reason for this is that during the whole process, they make their own decisions as in which way to go rather than have a court decision imposed upon them.

You need to choose the right process for you but if you want an outcome that focuses on interests rather than fixed positions you may want to use Collaborative Law or Family Mediation.

Clients consult Collaborative Solicitors for legal advice and solutions to their legal problems but when there exists issues outside the legal framework and where a specialist is required then they, the specialist, can become part of the four way meetings between the two clients and the two collaborative solicitors. An order can be prepared if an agreement is then reached in the final sessions.

Involving other professionals does not have to mean costs will escalate. If the other professional can tackle the problem and solve it, it can often mean that matters can be resolved quicker and more amicably.  For instance:

  • Couple Therapists:  it may be the case that you are looking to make the marriage work. In the event that meetings with the couple therapist do not work then the door is always open to return to Collaborative Law.
  • Couple counsellingFamily Consultants:  they can work either one on one or with both clients. It may be that you want to explore how the co-parenting will work during the Collaborative process and as well as after the separation. Family Consultants can also help explore any hopes and anxieties you may have during the Collaborative and post Collaborative process.
  •  Child Specialists. it is important that the voice of the child be heard about how childcare arrangements will work. Some mediators do further training so that they can meet with the child (Direct Consultation With Children) where both parents consent to this and it can be very useful in providing details of what the children want the parents to know to help shape current and future childcare arrangements and how holiday childcare arrangements will work.  
  • Independent Financial Advisors. If the financial settlement is to provide a lump sum it may be useful to consult an Independent Financial Advisor to discuss investments or if the main asset is the pension to discuss how pension planning will work.  
  • Accountants. I have worked with accountants in the past where it has been necessary to value business assets during a divorce. The valuations can provide accurate and useful information to the clients when discussing settlement options.

Working with Collaborative professionals can be done at a timescale that works for you rather than having to follow a court timetable as Collaborative Law meetings take place outside of court.

It can take time to have to prepare a joint letter of instruction through solicitors if you are not using the Collaborative process while any instructions for the experts in Collaborative Law can be discussed in an open forum during the four-five way meetings.

If you want to know more about Collaborative Law you should speak to a trained Collaborative Family Solicitor.

Austin Chessell is a Family Mediator who is also trained to mediate with Children. He is also a Collaborative Family Solicitor at Shortlands Solicitors

Email: achessell@shortlands.co.uk

Telephone: 0207 629 9905

Twitter: @FamilyLawLondon

 

 

 

 

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