MIAM

Family Mediation and ‘MIAMs’: Recent Rule Changes

Published on May 29, 2024May 14, 2024

Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) have been compulsory in Family Court proceedings since 2014.

MIAMs – What are they?

‘Mediation’ is a method of resolving disputes through an independent third party, known as a mediator. Their purpose is to assist parties in negotiating a settlement.

MIAMs are a meeting which considers and explains the potential benefits of mediation and other non-court dispute resolution (NCDR) methods. During this meeting, the mediator will provide an indication as to the method that would be most suitable to resolve the prospective applicant’s particular dispute. If you are looking to apply to the court to settle your divorce or separation issues, it is a legal requirement that you first attend a MIAM.

The Rules – What’s changing?

MIAM Exemptions:

The courts are looking to update their rules around the obligations to attend a MIAM, and, from 29^th April 2024, they will be introducing various changes to reflect this.

If a MIAM exemption applies, then a prospective applicant will not be required to attend a MIAM.

Previously, an application for a MIAM exemption could be accepted in the absence of any supporting evidence. The new Rules, however, require said evidence to be attached to the application.

The courts will make an initial inquiry into whether the exemption is valid, and this will be subject to an ongoing review. If an exemption is deemed invalid, the court may direct parties to attend a MIAM, and possibly adjourn proceedings for that purpose.

In these circumstances, parties are encouraged to engage with the MIAMs because the court will take parties’ conduct into account when considering whether to make an order for costs in relation to the proceedings.

Why?

A stricter approach to the MIAM exemptions means that it will be harder to avoid a MIAM. You may be asking, what are the benefits of this? Well, by exploring NCDR at an early stage, you might be able to (amicably) reach an agreement, and avoid both the time and money involved in issuing court proceedings. Early resolution can also aid in preserving relationships; this may be particularly important in cases where co-parenting is involved.

What else?

April 2024 also brings with it a new MIAM exemption. If a prospective applicant can provide written evidence that they have attended a NCDR process within the 4 months prior the date of the court application (in relation to the same, or substantially the same, dispute to which the proposed court proceedings relate), then an exemption applies. This will ensure that prospective applicants are not unnecessarily directed to attend a NCDR. ‘Written evidence’ is obtained once a NCDR provider has confirmed that the applicant has attended.

An insight into parties’ attitude:

From 28^th April 2024, the court is introducing a new Rule for those commencing either financial remedy proceedings or private law proceedings related to children. Applicants who fall within the relevant criteria must now file with the court, and serve on all parties, a form setting out their views on using NCDR as a method of settling.

Why?

The court has introduced this requisite to monitor and identify whether NCDR is a suitable alternative for parties. Requiring parties to record their views about NCDR on paper will encourage them to think outside of the box (or indeed the court room) and consider whether a resolution can be achieved through other means; the benefits of which have been briefly discussed above.

What can divorce experts do?

As well as supporting you in your Family Court proceedings, divorce experts can refer you to accredited mediators that are recognised by Resolution and the Family Mediation Council, to ensure you have the best chance of success at mediating your dispute.

This is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

Family Mediation

What is a MIAM in Family Mediation?

Published on April 11, 2018

MIAM stands for Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting.

MIAM is a short meeting where each disputant meets with a trained Family Mediator to get information about how mediation works and to understand the benefits it can offer as a way to resolve disputes.

At the meeting, the mediator will discuss with the parties the nature of their dispute and will explore with them whether mediation would be a suitable way to resolve the issues on which there is disagreement.

If mediation is appropriate, the mediator will discuss with the parties how many sessions they may need, how much it would cost, information about other services that provide help and explain whether they might qualify for legal aid to pay for mediation.

If everyone agrees to try mediation then an appointment is made for the joint mediation meeting.

On the other hand, if mediation is not appropriate for the parties’ circumstances, the mediator will explain why mediation is not suitable option to resolve their dispute and certificate explaining reasons.

If the parties are exempted from mediation, they can decide to take their case to court but they are expected to provide confirmation from a mediator that a ‘mediator’s exemption’ applies.

When does MIAM come in Divorce Proceedings?

It is requirement for separating couples to attend a MIAM before making certain kinds of applications to obtain a Court order. These applications include children contact or divorce proceedings.

If a party makes application to Court without trying other options to resolve dispute, the Court has a general power to adjourn proceedings in order for non-court dispute resolutions to be attempted such as Family Mediation option.

The court would require confirmation from a mediator that she or he has attended a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (MIAM).

About Kadan Hassan

Kadan Hassan is aspiring lawyer and a trained Family Mediator with over 9 years’ helping families resolve broad range of disputes.

She is committed to the constructive and cooperative resolution of family disputes and to helping her clients to see the big picture – that their family assets are more than just bricks and mortar and money, they include future relationships specially where children are involved.

Kadan is also knowledgeable in Islamic divorce law.

She is a member of College of Mediators and Family Mediation Council.

Outside of work, Kadan’s physical and mental discipline is Muay Thia boxing.

Tell: 07961228846

Email: Kadan@divorcemediationservice.co.uk

Website: http://www.divorcemediationservice.co.uk/

Divorce Law UK/Family Mediation

MIAMs are Not the Way to Encourage Divorcing Couples to Mediate

Published on April 19, 2016January 11, 2019

Katie McCann
Head of Family Law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors

The Ministry of Justice recently published the Legal Aid Statistics for October to December 2015, which revealed that the number of Mediation Information and Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) have continued to decline and were down by 16% in the last quarter.

MIAMs were introduced in April 2011 and became compulsory for divorcing couples to attend in April 2014 before they’re granted permission for their matter to be progressed to court.

The aim of the meetings is to assess whether mediation is an appropriate way to resolve any issues and, ultimately, to try to avoid court proceedings.

The Advantages of Mediation

While mediation is not suitable for every case, it certainly has its benefits. Going to court may provide closure, but it puts decision-making in the hands of a judge. Mediation, on the other hand, provides the divorcing couple with far more control and allows them to work together to reach practical agreements.

Cooperating to reach conclusions leads to a far less hostile environment, where communication is encouraged and stress levels can be reduced.

Mediation also often allows for a far speedier process, which is significantly cheaper than litigation, and it can be especially useful when reaching decisions in relation to any children, where flexibility and compromise is vital.

Why aren’t MIAMs Leading to More Mediation?

Despite the above advantages, the introduction of compulsory MIAMs have not resulted in the desired increase in the use of mediation.

There are several reasons for this.

The first, quite correctly, is the existence of several exemptions that automatically permit non-attendance at a MIAM, based on the fact that mediation would be unsuitable for the couple in question.

MIAMs are Not the Way to Encourage Divorcing Couples to Mediate Logical exceptions include situations where there has been an allegation of domestic violence in the last 12 months, where the whereabouts of one ex-spouse is unknown, or where any delay caused by attending a MIAM would cause significant harm to a child, a significant risk of a miscarriage of justice, or unreasonable hardship.

These exemptions, together with several others, are perfectly understandable and forcing such couples to attend mediation would be, at best, pointless and, at worst, unethical.

However on the other side, a MIAM form can be ‘signed-off’ if a session could not go ahead due to the non-attendance of one of the parties (without good reason). This option, which arguably reduces the process to a box-ticking exercise, seems to be counter-productive.

After all, MIAMs are either compulsory or they are not. Failure to show up should not be as accepted as a satisfactory excuse in the way it currently is.

Furthermore, even when separating couples willingly attend a MIAM, it only results in the use of mediation in less than a quarter of cases. For this reason the question must be asked, if compulsory MIAMs are not successfully encouraging the use of mediation as a method of alternative dispute resolution, then what will?

A Proposed Solution – Make Mediation Compulsory Instead

It seems that the obvious way to increase the use of mediation is to make mediation itself compulsory.

While this appears somewhat draconian at first glance, if approached sensibly it may have the desired outcome and inconvenience the parties no more than attending a MIAM currently does.

Firstly, it would be feasible to require compulsory attendance at a couple of mediation sessions, while retaining the exemptions that currently exist for MIAMs. The information that is currently provided at a MIAM could either be discussed at the beginning of the session or sent ahead in the post, with the mediation session highlighting the benefits that can be achieved.

After all, the best way to decide whether something will be a success is to try it out.

Those who oppose compulsory mediation will argue that it would be unfair to impose it on the unwilling couples who, to put it bluntly, cannot stand the sight of each other. It is important to remember however, that there is no need for such parties to even see each other at mediation – it can take place in separate rooms, with the mediator going in-between.

The compulsory nature of the first few sessions would also remove the need for one of the parties to suggest the use of mediation, putting the separating couple on an equal footing from the offset.

Compulsory mediation may not appeal to everyone, however the suggestion is born from the fact that couples are already being ‘forced’ to attend MIAMs, which are not obtaining the desired results. The obligatory nature of this has already been established so extending this principle to require attendance at an actual mediation session would simply increase couples’ awareness of its benefits.

Let’s not forget, mandatory mediation would only be for couples who wish to proceed to court – those who are willing to negotiate by themselves, or through solicitors, would be left alone to do so.

But we think it’s time to face reality – MIAMs aren’t the best way to encourage mediation – mediation is the best way to encourage mediation.”

Katie McCann is head of family law and in-house counsel at Kuits Solicitors in Manchester City Centre. She has a special interest in resolving high value relationship breakdown disputes.

Coping with Divorce/Family Mediation

Say Yes to Arbitration?

Published on July 24, 2026July 22, 2026

Emma Harris — Emma Morris
Legal Director
Burgess Mee Family Law

Divorcing couples now have a plethora of options when deciding how best to deal with their financial division upon divorce. The new(ish) Non-Court Dispute Resolution (“NCDR”) rules require parties to consider, and where appropriate actively participate in, NCDR processes such as mediation. Indeed, for some time now parties have not been able to issue an application at court without first attending a Mediation Information & Assessment Meeting (“MIAM”) with a mediator.

However, mediation is not suitable for everyone for a variety of reasons. If mediation has failed and solicitors are at an impasse, the options are narrowed down to the court process – with or without the use of private financial dispute resolution (“FDR”) – or arbitration. This article focuses on the significant advantages, so far as I see them, of arbitration.

Timing

Whilst courts around the country have differing scheduling pressures, it is commonplace for the first administrative appointment to take anything up to five months to be listed from the issue of an application. This is followed by an FDR, often six months after the first appointment, with the final hearing up to another year thereafter. That could add up to a staggering 18 months to two years, during which parties and their children are in an uncomfortable – and often fractious – limbo.

Arbitration is an alternative. It can be scheduled quickly, often as soon as the disclosure process is complete. Clients can fix a date to ensure their own availability and that of their legal teams, the latter being something the court no longer accommodates. This is important because if solicitors/counsel have been advising for a while and the court lists on a date they are not available, this adds a layer of stress and additional cost in bringing a new adviser up to speed.

Finality

The biggest advantage of arbitration is its finality. An FDR, whether it be private or court led, cannot bring about the conclusion of proceedings unless this is something the parties wish to achieve. Arbitration is different. The arbitrator’s award follows the arbitration, usually within two weeks but often only a couple of days afterwards. It is final and converted into a binding court order shortly thereafter.

Expertise

Judges are under immense pressure; they are often juggling numerous cases on the same day and – whilst they are all highly professional and do their very best – the time they can dedicate to papers in advance of a hearing or to the hearing itself is extremely limited. Clients are often disappointed to learn that the bundle of papers sent to court before an early hearing is hardly read. By contrast, an arbitrator builds time into their instruction to pre read a case fully and often has a short preliminary online hearing in advance of the arbitration to make certain that everything required has been done. This ensures the arbitration runs smoothly.

Arbitration provides flexibility that a court does not, allowing the parties freedom to agree in advance what they want to be decided.

Cost

Although there is a cost in paying for the service of an arbitrator, that cost buys certainty. It guarantees an arbitrator dedicated solely to your case on the day, who has read all your papers before meeting you. It guarantees you an expert in the relevant field. And it guarantees a decision – known as an award – within a very short timeframe, whilst saving money and with less acrimony than the alternative. Set against a year or more of solicitors’ correspondence and niggling interim issues before a final hearing can even be listed, the cost of an arbitrator is modest by comparison. The personal toll of being left in limbo for that long is harder to quantify, but no less real. Arbitration cuts through that: it delivers a final outcome and brings the litigation to a conclusion.

Experts

If you need to call an expert, it is often cheaper to do so within an arbitration hearing rather than within the court process. There is a great deal of waiting around in court, during which an expert (perhaps a surveyor or pension actuary) will be charging at their hourly rate. With arbitration you can decide in advance exactly when the expert will give evidence, thus limiting their waiting time and costs.

Less adversarial

Settling a family dispute inside a court building is not optimal. It induces stress and there are often insufficient places to sit or take advice from your advisers. By contrast, arbitration can take place anywhere the parties choose; they can agree the format and timing of the day in advance, and whilst the setting is formal, it is far less daunting than a court building.

Privacy and publicity

I’ve acted for many high-profile clients, from sportspeople to entertainers and politicians. Conducting a case in the glare of other court users is difficult at the best of times but made much worse when space for a private conversation is lacking. Furthermore, media coverage is now an ever-present concern: court proceedings (barring purely children matters) are public record, and notices name the parties unless there has been a successful application to anonymise.

Arbitration removes that risk. It takes place in a location of your choice and does not appear on a public list, so the media is unaware it is happening. As such, there are no unwanted photographs of parties arriving at court and no pressure to face a microphone when parties leave the building. This allows people to deal with a highly personal issue privately, which is clearly better for them and their children who could otherwise be affected by media coverage or adverse publicity.

Arbitration is not simply for an all-encompassing final award. It can also be used to aid settlement because it is entirely possible to ask an arbitrator to decide upon a single issue. Resolving that one issue often unlocks the entire case, and settlement is achieved. Moreover, where suitable, the issue can be dealt with on paper without either party needing to attend in person, providing a quick and cost-effective resolution of a tricky issue.

In short, arbitration ensures that your matter is decided by an expert who has dedicated proper time to reading in and to deliberating their decision. It is quicker, often cheaper, and allows for total flexibility and confidentiality.

About Emma Morris and Burgess Mee

Emma Morris, Legal Director at Burgess Mee, is one of London’s leading divorce lawyers with 30 years’ experience in family law. She is a practising arbitrator and Member of the Chartered Institute of Arbitrators, and also conducts private FDRs. She is collaboratively trained and a member of Resolution.

Burgess Mee Family Law is an award-winning firm offering the full range of family law and private client services from three offices across London. Founded in 2013 by Antonia Mee and Peter Burgess, Burgess Mee offers high quality, bespoke family law and private client advice and service whilst being more cost effective than its City competitors.

The firm comprises 26 fee-earners (including six partners) from leading firms in and around London. All solicitors belong to Resolution, which promotes the constructive settlement of family matters.

Divorce Law UK/Family Mediation

When Court is the Only Solution in Divorce

Published on June 15, 2026June 16, 2026

Nicki Mitchell
Partner
Jones Myers

As a niche family law firm which champions a non-confrontational approach to divorce, Jones Myers always strives to offer our clients alternative options to a court divorce such as mediation or collaborative family practice.

Clients undergoing divorce are at a crossroads of their lives and do not take such an enormous decision lightly. It presents numerous emotional, financial and practical challenges, even where both agree the relationship is over.

While our experienced family law experts do everything we can to help them to choose the right path for their circumstances, sometimes going to court is the only viable option. I explain in more detail below.

In what circumstances do couples choose a court divorce?

This largely depends on the advice they receive. Whilst most lawyers will explain all the Non Court Dispute Resolution (NCDR) options to clients, some, who may perhaps have less or no experience in this area, are more inclined to recommend court applications.

The court process has its place. A Judge can compel the production of financial information, ultimately, though rarely, by sending someone guilty of non-disclosure to prison. The court can also order third parties, such as accountants and other advisers who hold information relevant to the case, to provide information.

In extreme cases – in particular where there is a lack of engagement in the process – a court can make orders without engaging with one of the couple.

What is involved in a court process?

Before an application can be made to the court for a Financial Order – which sets out how the financial assets of separating couples will be divided – an application must have been made for a divorce or dissolution of a Civil Partnership. The various steps required can be found here.

Before applying for a Financial Order or a Child Arrangements Order – a court order court setting out the living arrangements of a child or children involved in the divorce – the person proposing to make the application must either attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) or be eligible for one of a small number of exemptions.

The MIAM assesses whether mediation is an option for the separating couple. A financial application starts with the exchange of full financial disclosure which is then followed by a series of up to three main court hearings.

What are the advantages of a court process?

Court applications are often started because one of the couple refuses to engage. Only a Judge can compel someone to produce documents or make orders in the absence of co-operation.

The court’s role is to encourage couples to make agreed decisions about their finances and children. However, some couples, for a variety of reasons, are simply unable to reach agreement and need someone to make that decision for them. In default of agreement, the court can impose binding decisions on them.

…and the disadvantages?

In court proceedings couples run the risk that they will lose control of decisions which will affect them for years to come. They may well not agree with what the court imposes but in reality will find it difficult to do anything about it – appeals are rare and costly.

There is no guaranteed privacy in a court divorce – journalists can obtain permission to report in family law courts on cases involving finances and/or children’s wellbeing and future.

Couples are appointed a judge, who is unknown to them, and who potentially makes vital decisions on key issues about their future. Continuity is not assured, with different judges often involved at different stages of the proceedings.

Court hearings can be costly, stressful and time consuming. They heighten conflict between the couple which inevitably has a negative impact on their children and wider family.

The duration of a court divorce can vary significantly from a few months to years if the issues are contested. The court system is under strain and there is always the risk that a hearing may be cancelled or put off if there is insufficient court time or no available Judge.

Court orders, whether made by agreement or imposed by a Judge, are legally binding and enforceable. Negotiated agreements are easily converted into court orders without the need for any hearings.

What are the first steps for those in this situation to take?

Knowing where to start on this path can seem overwhelming. Whichever route you take, it is vital to secure the best possible legal advice from highly experienced family law professionals like Jones Myers who are members of family law group Resolution and have a strong track record in their respective fields.

In circumstances when going to court is a client’s only viable option, Jones Myers is highly experienced in litigating in all court arenas from the Magistrate’s Court through to The Supreme Court.

Our legal experts are dedicated to safeguarding our clients’ best interests throughout the process, taking into careful consideration their immediate and long-term needs – and helping them to face the future with confidence.

For queries on divorce and family law, call 0113 246 0055 (Leeds) 01423 276104 (Harrogate), 202550 (York). Visit www.jonesmyers.co.uk, email info@jonesmyers.co.uk or tweet @helpwithdivorce.

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled Mediator and Collaborative Family Lawyer, Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns. Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk 01904 202553, www.jonesmyers.co.uk

Divorce Law UK

Mediation, Arbitration, Collaborative Law, or Court? Choosing the Best Option for You

Published on October 20, 2025October 17, 2025

Sponsored post by Jones Myers.

As an experienced Family Law Mediator and Collaborative Family Lawyer with extensive expertise in litigation, I understand the challenges facing separating couples in finding the right way to divorce for their individual circumstances.

The trepidation of a prolonged, costly and stressful court divorce is prompting an increasing number of couples to seek out routes such as mediation and collaborative family law which avoid going to court.

Another option is arbitration where separating couples hire a ‘private judge’ to accelerate the outcome of their financial settlements.

Known as Alternative Dispute Resolution – because they provide alternatives to litigating in court – these three options put children’s best interests first. They also promote a spirit of spirit of collaboration for spouses and parents to achieve the best solutions.

I hope the insights below will help you to decide which is best for your unique situation.

What is mediation?

Mediation is a means of resolving family disputes constructively. It enables you to keep control over decisions which will affect the future of you and your family. In the court process you hand those decisions over to a judge, who does not know you or your family and knows nothing about what is important to you. Mediation is appropriate for most situations including the most financially complex.

Who is involved in mediation?

The private and confidential process takes place in a safe, impartial environment and involves a mediator like me, an independent third party who helps you and your ex to reach an agreement over key areas. At the outset both of you sign an Agreement to Mediate so negotiations can continue on a ‘without prejudice’ basis.

The number of discussions/sessions varies for each couple depending upon the complexity of the split. As a facilitator, the mediator assists, guides, and helps you to move dialogue forward.

Many mediators, myself included, are lawyers and can provide extremely useful information about the law to inform your decisions.

Whether or not they are legally qualified, mediators will recommend that you each retain your own solicitor who can provide specific legal advice where required during the process.

What does success in mediation look like?

A successful outcome in mediation can mean many things. Many couples choose the mediation process to get to an agreement which is formalised in a binding Court Order.

Often called a Final Order, this is a legal document which officially terminates your marriage without you having to go to court. However, mediation has many other advantages, including developing a new way of communicating as separated parents.

Is mediation compulsory?

No. Mediation is a voluntary process. You may have read about a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) meeting, usually relating to cases involving finances or children, which all divorcing couples are expected to attend before court proceedings are issued.

These meetings are designed to inform you both about alternative resolution schemes and to establish if the circumstances are suitable for mediation.

What are the advantages and disadvantages?

Mediation can result in a swifter resolution, reducing legal expenses which mount up in prolonged court cases between warring couples. Highly confidential, it is a more impartial and considered approach and can lessen the emotional impact of separation and divorce on children.

What happens if mediation fails?

Due to its voluntary nature, talks can be concluded at any time if headway is not made. However, there are many ways in which the process can be adapted to get over sticky issues and avoid failure.

There is an increasing trend towards lawyers being present in mediation sessions to provide technical advice and support during the process, in particular where there are complex legal issues.

Alternatively, disputed legal points can be determined by bringing in a neutral lawyer to give a view or even an arbitrator to give a binding decision on a particular issue. All of this can be done in the context of mediation.

What is collaborative family practice?

In collaborative family practice separating couples make a commitment to avoid the court route and to work together with specially trained lawyers to make their own decisions about the future.

Like mediation, it champions a spirit of collaboration and compromise, is entirely confidential – and puts children’s needs at the heart of discussions.

How does it work – and who is involved?

You and your ex each appoint your own collaboratively trained lawyer and undertake a series of meetings where you all work together to identify, address and resolve financial, parenting and other key issues.

Collaborative family lawyers provide support and legal advice throughout the sessions. Accountants, independent financial advisers, pensions advisers and/or childcare specialists can also attend and provide guidance on a neutral basis. You have as many or as few meetings as are necessary to resolve the issues between you.

At the outset you, your collaborative lawyers and other specialists involved, sign a Participation Agreement that commits all of you to strive to reach resolutions without going to court.

The agreement prevents your collaborative lawyers from representing you in court if the collaborative process fails, ensuring everyone is wholly bought into making the process work.

What are the advantages and disadvantages?

Like mediation, collaborative family practice puts you and your ex in the driving seat so you can progress the sessions at your own pace, working around your respective work and family commitments.

Faster, less stressful and more cost effective than going to court, it ensures that everyone involved is committed to achieving a solution. In times where transparency is encouraged in the family courts and journalists can attend hearings, collaborative practice guarantees your family’s privacy.

What happens if a successful outcome is reached?

Once an agreement is reached, your lawyers will put it into effect, obtaining a formally binding Court Order without you having to go to court.

What if talks break down?

At any time during the sessions either of you can terminate the process through a Formal Notice of Withdrawal if you feel no headway is being made. Again, as in mediation, failure can be avoided with the right support, including where necessary, an early neutral evaluation or arbitration on disputed legal issues.

What is the difference between mediation and collaborative family practice?

In mediation, family mediators are neutral – they cannot give advice to either party as their role is to facilitate discussions.

This differs from collaborative family lawyers who can advise those they represent at the same time as conducting the negotiations. As highlighted above, collaborative lawyers sign up to an agreement not to go to court, which provides a positive investment in the process for the whole team.

What is arbitration?

Arbitration is a private court hearing where divorcing couples take on a ‘private judge’, officially known as an arbitrator, to achieve a resolution to their financial settlements.

How does it work?

Like mediation and collaborative family practice, this option, also conducted in a safe and confidential environment, can avoid a prolonged, expensive and, potentially, public court hearing.

Similar to a judge, the arbitrator hears evidence from both of you, collects relevant facts and bases their decision on the evidence, considering the views of you both.

The arbitrator then makes an Award over who should have what which is final and binding.

What are the advantages and disadvantages?

Divorcing couples have the same arbitrator through the process, something which rarely happens at court where different Judges are involved at different stages of the proceedings.

Quicker, confidential and more flexible than a court option, there is a substantial cost saving when delays are avoided. Divorcing couples set and agree their own timetable at the outset.

If an arbitrator is to be used, this is something which must be agreed. There is no power to compel anyone to arbitrate. Also, arbitrators have no power to secure disclosure from third parties such as accountants or financial advisors or instruct them to present evidence at meetings.

Can couples involved in a court divorce opt for arbitration?

Yes. Court rules give judges the power to halt court proceedings to give you both the opportunity to resolve the dispute through arbitration or indeed any other form of NCDR.

In what circumstances do couples choose a court divorce?

This largely depends on the advice which couples receive. Whilst most lawyers will explain all the dispute resolution options to clients, some, who may perhaps have less or no experience of NCDR, are more inclined to recommend court applications.

The court process has its place. A Judge has the power to compel the production of financial information, ultimately by sending someone guilty of non-disclosure to prison. The court can also order third parties who hold information relevant to the case, for example accountants and other advisers, to provide information. In extreme cases a court can make orders without any engagement from one of the parties.

What does a court process entail?

Before an application can be made to the court for a Financial Order an application must have been made for a divorce or dissolution of a Civil Partnership. The various steps required to get a divorce can be found on the Government website.

As outlined above, before a court application can be made for a financial or children order, every divorcing couple must also attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting

A financial application will involve the exchange of full financial disclosure followed by a series of up to three main court hearings.

What are the pros and cons of a court process?

The role of the court is to encourage parties to make agreed decisions about their finances and children and, in default of agreement, to make binding decisions for them

Court orders, whether made by agreement or imposed by a Judge, are legally binding and enforceable.

There is no privacy in a court divorce, where the proceedings are open. Since 2023 journalists have been able to report in family law courts on cases which include the wellbeing and future of children whose parents are divorcing.

Couples are appointed a judge, who is unknown to them, and who makes vital decisions on key issues about their future. Continuity is not assured with different judges often involved in the proceedings.

Court hearings can be costly, stressful and time consuming. They can heighten conflict between the couple and run the risk of a case being adjourned or unfinished due to pressure on court time or a judge becoming unavailable.

The duration of a court divorce can vary significantly from a few months to years if the divorce is contested.

The breakdown of a marriage invariably leaves those involved emotionally and physically drained and few couples take the decision to separate and divorce lightly

Knowing where to start on this critical path, which will impact on the future of all involved and affect the wellbeing of children involved, can seem overwhelming.

Whichever route you take when embarking on divorce, it is critical that you secure the best possible legal advice.

I cannot emphasise enough the importance of working with highly experienced family law professionals like Jones Myers who are members of family law group Resolution and have a strong track record in their respective fields.

Because we understand that every case is different, our family law experts, who are leaders in their field, deliver a bespoke service, outlining options and offering legal and practical advice at every stage to help them make informed decisions.

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

With over three decades of experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled Mediator, Child Inclusive Mediator and Collaborative Family Lawyer, Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns. Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk

Coping with Divorce/Divorce Law UK/Moving On

Our Relationship is Over: What Do I Do Now?

Published on October 13, 2025October 10, 2025

James Pirrie
Director at
Family Law in Partnership

Let’s not sugar coat it, this question “what do I do now?” (at the moment you know you will separate) is the single most important question you will answer in this whole chapter of your life. There will be a lot of other questions that you will be coming to, but get this one right and you should be able to avoid the unreasonable positioning and exhausting demands of a slow process that will cost eye-watering amounts, to achieve to your best possible outcome.

Here are my ten top tips from helping clients through this part of their lives for the past forty-something years.

1. Ensure you are safe

Ensure your safety and the safety of your children. If there is a risk to this then it will dictate how you address the rest of these tips.

Safety at the end of a relationship is a whole topic on its own and planning for it will depend on your situation. In controlling relationships, it is likely that a whole range of strategies will have been put in place around you by your prospective ex, with the intention of making it impossible for you to go. The single most important thing is to reach the realisation that yes you are going to leave – it is then about getting the support to manage your way out of the maze. If you need help to leave safely, there are amazing organisations that can help you manage a safe exit. Everything follows from this.

2. Manage your emergencies

In the same way, some separations have emergencies – personal safety is the most important. Others can include:

jurisdictional races (where one of you could start proceedings in a different country, you may need to act quickly to ensure your divorce takes place where your needs and those of the children will be met favourably)
a child being taken abroad to separate them from you (child abduction)
information or assets being hidden or disposed of
your being isolated from funds.

Some of these you can address in part – or at least make easier – but many of them are going to require immediate professional help, probably from a solicitor.

The rest of the “to-dos” are subject to emergencies – sometimes you won’t have time to plan your best path, you will feel bounced around by circumstance. Just carry on trying your best, accepting where you are and planning from there.

3. Consider couple counselling

If there are no safety concerns, this is a consideration that you should not skate past. I have worked for too many people who have said their ex has come back to them some years down the road saying “I got it wrong – I don’t know what I was thinking- is there a way back for us?”. For me that points to a missed opportunity for some serious conversation around what was not working in the relationship and each person’s capacity for change. Of course, the result may still be that you decide to separate, but talking things through a counsellor is also likely to reassure and make for better progress if you do decide to part.

4. Be kind if you can

So often, perhaps when people come to me midway through, they seem to be in a terrible situation, which they are finding hard to understand. There might be brutality around disclosure or how the finances are being managed for the interim or how arrangements are being set around the children. It is all a bit destructive and aimless, which is a surprise as they’re decent people. So, what went wrong? Well usually it is about how things started.

Actions like deception and adultery matter (see my blog here on this very point) – perhaps not to the professionals who know the courts don’t care, but they really matter to the person being deceived and to their kids when they find out. Brutal and sharp separations are like throwing a huge slab of concrete into a small pond – the splash and ripples are going to play havoc for a while and in unexpected ways. Stepping out slowly and gently with empathy respect and understanding, can help everyone get through to the smart choices more quickly.

5. Start early

It follows that planning and starting early is usually a positive too, you can pace things more calmly. You don’t find yourself suddenly desperate that it all has to be sorted by the weekend. (That “I have just had it up to here” moment). It also means that you are less likely to be bounced into the “well I am leaving you” discussion at the worst of times in the heat of an argument. These things are going to be tough and thinking about how to do it in the best way, in the calm, will pay dividends.

6. Get support

All of that is going to point towards you getting individual support. So many people say “I don’t need that fluffy stuff …” or “we are not getting back together”. But that is not what this is about. It is about understanding where your ex is and what they are going through. It is about helping you to think of this from their side to be able to move things on in the best way possible. It is tough. It is practical. It is also short term and goal-oriented.

Find the right support and you will be challenged to do this well, but also supported to do so. That’s why I recommend that you get professional support – not just support from your mates or family:

This is the other response to my recommendation of professional expertise is “well I am talking to my friends.” The problem with relying solely on friends and family is that:

They care too much and as such, are likely to operate like an echo chamber for you: they want to be supportive and are likely to tell you what they think you want to hear – which is not always what you need to hear
They may bring their own unresolved personal issues to the conversation and that is not helpful
They don’t have the training to help you process everything in a constructive way
Their advice is likely to be on the hoof, quick answers without the depth of consideration that is really needed
You may find yourself managing your choices to keep them satisfied.

Without meaning to cast aspersions on your inner circle, you are also sharing confidences with them which may well be shared with others.

I could go on but in essence, therapists are likely to be the most valuable in monetary terms. Find the right one and use them.

7. Think and write

So you know you are going to need to get some advice and guidance (how else are you going to have the anchor of knowing your rights and obligations – how else would you recognise a good deal?). Lawyers charge by time and will read a well-organised briefing way quicker than they can ask questions and you answer them. Many firms will have an information gatherer on their website. If you want to get the most from your time with a lawyer and keep costs time, you would prepare:

A balance sheet of where you are now:
- who is in the family and who are the relatives and important other people in your lives
- all the dates and details that are going to be needed such as when the relationship started, was formalised and ended
- and yes those financial numbers all pinned down so far as known.
- In addition there will be descriptions of what is going on – what everyone is like; how are your children doing, pictures etc.
An account of how you got here this is likely to take in your families of origin, education, careers, first homes, challenges and so on
And then the quick fire document for a first call: The super brief summary and a clear vision of what you want and what you think are the hurdles to getting there.

Indeed sometimes I think that this last piece of knowing what you are needing is the single most important piece of work that will be in your briefing for the next step.

8. Find the right professional

This can feel like a minefield. There are directories ranking legal professionals, but they may not be your best starting point. What you are likely to want is that skilled professional whom you trust because they get you and their values resonate with yours, simple as that.

When you are researching there will be lots of focus on who does what process and your head can spin with the terms likely to be coming at you: negotiation/ collaborative/ co-operative/ one lawyer/ together/ amicable/ litigation/ mediation/ child inclusion/ hybrid/ integrative, but that shouldn’t be your worry: Your job is to be clear about your needs (those hurdles you identified at stage 7), not the process (which is what the professional brings to accommodate them). It is the professional’s job to show that they have heard you and to explain their recommendation. If you are convinced, you have the start of your plan. If you are not then say so – if you are not heard, you may not be in the right room so think about moving on now.

It is why you might do well to choose a professional who is serious about all the different ways of doing things – it will ensure you are presented with all the options. Many lawyers will only have one qualification, permitting them to negotiate your case with the court as a fall back and the court is the last place most people want to end up. If your lawyer doesn’t know, isn’t familiar with and doesn’t use collaborative, mediation or arbitration then just have in mind that these ways that might suit you better will probably not be on the menu for discussion.

9. Be brave …ish

Sitting down to talk with your ex may be absolutely the last thing you want to do, and of course you shouldn’t compromise safety, but for most people, a professionally assisted conversation with a neutral person (likely to be in mediation – but potentially “one lawyer”) is likely to be the fast route to finding the best solution. Your ex is likely to have a view of what they think the outcome should be and they are going to hang onto it until you can show that you have heard them. It is much harder to do this if your discussion is via letters and emails being fired between lawyers from their respective trenches a seeming “safe” distance away from each other.

The right mediator will help you both to manage a safe and productive conversation even in difficult situations. There would be an assessment and intake process (called “a MIAM”, standing for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting) when you can gather an understanding of what mediation would be like and talk through whether it is for you. In fact, you are required in most situations to have this meeting even if you wanted ultimately to go to court and I would encourage you to enter this meeting with an open mind as there is a lot of flexibility in mediation and other processes which may mean they are better for you.

10. Think kids

So obvious you may say it didn’t need saying. Where you have children, they are likely to be the lens through which all of this is viewed, you will consider your children:

when you take steps to start
in how you manage the relationship with your ex (because you are usually going to be co-parenting long term so you will not want to lay waste to how you talk to each other)
in the choices you make (for example the geography of your homes and family-friendly career-choices)
in the timing of any new relationship
in how you work out care and decision making: your children are part of each of you, they need safe arrangements to have a relationship with each of you if possible – and ideally each of you supporting the other to be the best parent you can be.

There is a lot to consider and it is all too easy to delay. But whether this relationship is your future or not is for you to decide and in your heart you will know the answer to that (especially if you have been through tip 3).

If this relationship is not working and can’t be made to work, it is unlikely to be the best example of “adult relationships” for your kids, but beyond this, please don’t become that person I see so regularly who says “now I know about it all, I should have done this a decade ago, it would have been better for everyone.”

About James Pirrie

James Pirrie is a Director of Family Law in Partnership, a highly regarded law firm based in London, which specialises in de-escalating conflict in family law. He is an Arbitrator, Family Solicitor and Mediator accredited in child-inclusive mediation.

James is driven to improve long term outcomes for families who are experiencing separation or divorce. He is credited with introducing collaborative law to the UK and with changing how children’s needs are addressed during family breakdown through the Parenting after Parting initiative.

Children of Divorce/Divorce Law UK

Understanding Parental Rights in the UK

Published on May 23, 2025May 20, 2025

Akwal Ryatt
Head of Family Law
Tyler Hoffman Solicitors

Getting divorced can be complicated for couples with children, as decisions must be made regarding where each child lives, how much time they spend with each parent, and other aspects of their care. The matter of parental rights may also come into question, particularly if the parents were not married when the child was born. A father may not automatically have parental responsibility for a child under these circumstances, which can affect their rights during divorce proceedings.

There are important legal and procedural steps that parents should take during divorce proceedings to preserve their role in their child’s life, and to maintain the ability to make decisions about their care, their living arrangements and other important aspects of their life. These rights do not automatically change due to divorce, but the court may become involved if there is a dispute about how they are exercised, and it is important to protect yourself.

Here, the experienced divorce solicitors at Tyler Hoffman explain how parental responsibility is established, how it affects the rights of each parent during a divorce and how to secure a Child Arrangements Order.

What is parental responsibility?

‘Parental responsibility’ refers to the legal rights, duties, powers and authority a parent has for a child. It includes the right to make decisions about education, religion, medical treatment and day-to-day care. A child’s birth mother will have parental responsibility automatically, and any Parental Responsibility Orders issued by the court will name any other people who have a say in these decisions.

A father’s legal rights generally depend on whether he has parental responsibility, which can be crucial when making child arrangements during the divorce process. A father automatically has parental responsibility if he was married to the child’s mother at the time of birth or subsequently, or if he is listed on the birth certificate (for children born after 1 December 2003 in England and Wales). You should speak to experienced paternity lawyers about whether you have parental responsibility if you have any concerns. Adoptive or foster parents may also have this responsibility, although it can be worthwhile to confirm this with a solicitor.

If either party does not have parental responsibility, they apply to the court for it using a Parental Responsibility Order or by entering into a Parental Responsibility Agreement with the child’s birth mother.

What is the role of a Child Arrangements Order?

A Child Arrangements Order is a legally binding court order that outlines how a child’s care will be structured following a divorce or separation. It becomes necessary if parents cannot reach an informal agreement (such as a Parenting Plan) about how child care arrangements will be managed. The order offers a legally binding decision on:

Residency: where and with whom the child will live
Contact: when and how they see the other parent
Whether a shared care arrangement is appropriate.

Either parent can apply to the court to put an order in place, and guardians or others with parental responsibility may also be able to apply, although certain parties will need permission from the court before they can apply for a Child Arrangements Order.

You may also need to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before the family court will consider a Child Arrangements Order. A MIAM is an opportunity to resolve the issue without involving the court, and can help the parties in a divorce to reach an informal resolution. However, if mediation doesn’t work or is not suitable, either parent can apply to the family court for a Child Arrangements Order.

This will usually result in court hearings where a judge can review evidence from both parties and make a decision on final arrangements. An officer from the Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service may conduct safeguarding checks and recommend arrangements based on the child’s welfare. The court makes decisions based on what it believes will be best for the child, including their wishes and feelings, the impact of any changes in circumstances and which parent is most able to meet their practical, emotional and educational needs.

Parents can also apply for a Specific Issue Order to resolve a particular dispute, or a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent the other parent from taking certain actions without permission. This is often used in cases where one parent decides to relocate, or if there is a dispute about schooling.

What does a Child Arrangements Order mean for parental rights?

Unlike an informal agreement, a Child Arrangements Order can be enforced by the court, which gives parents a degree of additional protection and ensures that the agreement remains in place. If one parent breaches the order, the other can apply to the court to enforce it. In response, the court can impose penalties, including warnings, enforcement orders (including unpaid work orders) and the need to pay compensation for financial losses.

While there is a risk in letting the court decide, courts generally support regular, meaningful contact with both parents unless there is clear evidence that such contact would harm the child. Speak to an experienced family law solicitor for guidance on navigating this process, and make sure to keep records of all contact and communication with other parties involved in the divorce to give yourself the best chance of a favourable outcome from any legal process.

About Akwal Ryatt

Akwal Ryatt is the head of Family Law at Tyler Hoffman Solicitors, and is an accomplished Chartered Legal Executive with an extensive career spanning over 28 years. With a compassionate approach, Akwal is characterised by her profound expertise in family law areas including divorce, separations, Child Arrangement Orders, Financial Remedy Orders and more.

Family Mediation

Steering Conflict Through the Compass of Mediation

Published on January 31, 2025January 29, 2025

Government-incentivised shifts to non-court dispute resolution have ushered in a new era for families, presenting mediation as a viable option for resolving complex family issues such as divorce. Here, Lucy Adams, a trained family mediator and senior associate at UK top 50 law firm Knights, delves into the evolving nature of mediation, examining how the process has transformed over the past year — from a mere formality to a serious alternative to litigation for resolving disputes.

While it may yet be an extraneous concept for some, at its core, mediation is built on the simplicity of collaboration and conciliation. Unlike the adversarial nature of litigation, where outcomes are imposed by a judge, mediation prioritises dialogue and mutual agreement. With a neutral mediator facilitating and driving discussions, the process of mediation is designed to resolve disputes to the (relative) satisfaction of both parties, helping them reach resolutions tailored to their unique circumstances at a lower cost than full litigation proceedings, and in most cases, with more favourable outcomes for all involved.

Decision-making rests with the participants

The process relies on impartiality, the key distinction between a mediator and a solicitor. While solicitors are hired to advocate for their clients only, mediators focus on guiding both sides to a mutually desired agreement. The process is confidential and designed to empower families, retaining the power of decision-making firmly in their hands rather than surrendering control to a judge. And in fact, numbers show that 69% of cases resolve all or some issues, helping parties avoid court altogether.

The rising waves of mediation

It’s important to note that many with disputes, whether it be marital breakdown or other family issues, the core breakthrough in mediation can be as simple as an apology or gesture of acknowledgment from one individual to another. Mediation is the breeding ground for this to be delivered in an environment that is less stifling than the courts, acknowledging the emotion attached to issues such as divorce.

In recent years, the government has been actively promoting mediation as a means to alleviate the burden on family courts, which has coincided with legislative shifts to ensure Mediation Information & Assessment Meetings (MIAMs) are more than just tick-box exercises. These are the first compulsory step in setting the scene for what we know as non-court dispute resolution (NCDR), a process that mirrors the court process outside its walls.

From here, a mediator will have fairly definitive guidelines that will allow them to assess the idiosyncrasies of varying disputes and set in place suitable processes for mediation to take place.

In helping parties resolve their disputes outside of court, the Ministry of Justice (MoJ) has extended a government-funded voucher scheme, offering up to £500 toward mediation costs, now running until March 2026, as a way to ease financial barriers and make mediation more accessible to a wider audience.

Exploring the many facets of mediation

A voluntary and confidential process, mediation can be tailored on a case-by-case basis. Shuttle mediation, for instance, allows parties to remain in separate rooms while the mediator moves freely to facilitate discussions. This format can similarly be conducted online, providing accessibility for individual circumstances and day-to-day arrangements. t may also be a critical first step for issues like divorce, which can be upsetting to discuss face-to-face, or particularly where children are concerned.

For more complex cases, hybrid mediation, on the other hand, at the advice of the mediator, invites in additional participants, such as solicitors, financial advisors, or even therapists, to ensure agreements are legally sound or financially viable. Child-inclusive mediation also gives children a voice, enabling parents to make decisions that prioritise their well-being, particularly where family units have broken down.

Unlike the black-and-white outcomes of court rulings, mediation explores the nuances of each family’s situation. This creativity often leads to solutions that feel more personal and balanced, with the mediator having the insight to work through the case and consider aspects which may sometimes get overlooked at court.

Mediation benefits

Alongside its flexibility, mediation is considerably more cost-effective than traditional court proceedings, with expenses split equally between parties. Secondly, it is generally faster, often resolving disputes within weeks rather than the months or years litigation can take.

Beyond the practical benefits, mediation fosters a collaborative environment that helps preserve relationships, particularly when children are involved. By addressing both immediate concerns and long-term goals, mediation lays the groundwork for better outcomes and reduces the likelihood of future conflicts.

Mediation is particularly effective in disputes involving complex family dynamics, such as disagreements over finances, business assets, or pensions. It creates a space to address not only critical matters but also subtler emotional issues that might otherwise be overlooked in court. However, it may not be suitable for every situation, predominantly those involving severe domestic abuse, abduction, or bankruptcy, for example, which may require alternative interventions.

The hopes of a new treaty defining the future of mediation

The future of mediation is looking bright. Recent updates to family procedure rules now require courts to demand explanations for why mediation wasn’t pursued before litigation. This shift reflects a broader recognition of mediation’s effectiveness.

New methods such as hybrid mediation are likely to take the helm in addressing rather more complex cases, balancing out the flexibility of mediation with the expertise of legal and financial professionals. As stereotypes around mediation versus court litigation continue to diffuse, the potential of the former to transform how couples and families navigate dispute rises, thus helping individuals move through divorce in a legal, sensitive, and balanced manner.

About Lucy Adams

Lucy is a Senior Associate solicitor in the Family team. Lucy is also a trained Family Mediator.

Lucy is renowned for her expertise in both financial matters and child law.

Lucy has obtained the Law Society Advanced Accreditation in complex financial settlement and children cases. Lucy is also a Member of Resolution and committed to the constructive resolution of family disputes.

With over 15 years’ experience in family law, Lucy can support clients with the resolution of their divorce and on related financial issues including pensions, businesses, and pre-acquired marital wealth. She also supports cohabiting couples, who need help to resolve a dispute following their separation.

As a trained family Mediator, Lucy can offer a bespoke mediation service to assist in any children or financial disputes. The sessions can either be remote or face to face at one of our 23 national office locations in the UK. Mediation is a means of resolving disputes in an amicable, non-confrontational manner that meets the needs of both participants. Mediation can often be a quicker, more amicable, and less stressful process than the more traditional route at resolving disputes, such as going to court. Lucy is registered with the Family Mediation Association.

About Knights

Knights is one of the fastest-growing legal services businesses in the UK, delivering high-quality services to more than 10,000 business clients from 26 offices nationwide.

Knights is ranked within the top 50 UK law firms by revenue – with specialists in all key areas of corporate, real estate and commercial law. Its extensive expertise is consistently strengthened through its acquisitions and the recruitment of high-calibre talented professionals.

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Children of Divorce/Coping with Divorce/Family Mediation

Grandparents’ Rights: What Happens When Your Grandchildren’s Parents Divorce?

Published on January 27, 2025January 27, 2025

Rina Mistry
Senior Associate & Solicitor
Nelsons Solicitors

When two parents decide to divorce, there is of course a ripple effect on other members of the family, including children and grandparents. Rina Mistry, senior associate specialising in family law at leading East Midlands law firm Nelsons discusses the legal rights of grandparents, and the challenges that can come up during a parental divorce.

Grandparents play an important role in their grandchildren’s lives – they often act as secondary guardians, they may be involved in special occasions like birthdays and family events, and they can be a link to a grandchild’s traditional culture or religion.

Separation and divorce in any family is an unsettling and uncertain time, with potentially new living arrangements and changes to routines for children and other relatives.

There is often an assumption that grandparents have automatic rights to see their grandchildren, when unfortunately, this is not the case. The law does not give grandparents (maternal or paternal) any automatic rights to be in their grandchild’s lives. This means that if parents choose to keep their children away from grandparents, they are free to do so. This can have a significant impact on the grandparent-grandchild relationship.

Challenges

Grandparents may face a number of hurdles when navigating their grandchildren’s parents’ divorce. Communication may become more challenging, particularly between ex-spouses, which can make it hard to keep contact with grandchildren – especially those that are very young.

In more serious situations, there can be the issue of parental alienation – usually this happens when one parent intentionally tries to damage the relationship between the other parent and the children by speaking badly about them or enforcing negative views. This can also happen with grandparents, which can be traumatic for grandchildren who may have had a close bond previously.

Talking it out

Despite not having automatic rights, grandparents still have options available to them. The first and usually the most effective is to try resolving all issues between the adults, whether it is directly or via the mediation process.

The situation can vary from case to case; it may be that the relationship between the adults has broken down or the grandparents are concerned for the children, and in an attempt to intervene they are denied any further time with the grandchild.

If legal advice is needed, grandparents will always be asked whether or not they have attempted to speak with the parents of the child to try and resolve the issues and further consideration will be applied as to whether correspondence from solicitors may assist to resolve the issues amicably.

If an agreement cannot be reached and a referral to mediation has not yet been made, this will be the next step. Mediation is not only a better option to try and resolve the issues but also far more cost-effective than making an application to Court. Compulsory attendance will be needed at a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM). There are exemptions available, for example if the grandchild is at significant risk of harm, but in most cases, the Court will expect grandparents to attempt to resolve issues through mediation.

Court application

If mediation is considered inappropriate or is refused by the other party, then the only available option is making a formal application to Court to resolve the child arrangements. This is the last option most solicitors would advise, however, this may be the only available option if all else has failed.

As grandparents hold no parental responsibility, they will need to first ask the Court for permission before being able to make an application for a Child Arrangements Order. If the Court grants permission, then a formal application for a Child Arrangements Order can proceed. However, if the Court does not grant permission, progress would go no further.

Like all applications, the Court will consider each matter individually but must take into account the following:

The nature of the application
The applicant’s connection with the child
Any risk of the proposed application disrupting the child’s life to the extent that they would be harmed by it.

If Court is the only option available, then it is highly recommended that you seek independent legal advice regarding your position and next steps.

Maintaining relationships

Whatever course of action is taken, respectful communication is highly encouraged throughout the process between not only parents but all family members. Not only does this support a more efficient process, but it limits the emotional impact on children and paves the way for better relationships in the future.

Grandparents should take the same approach to not speak negatively about either parent in front of their grandchildren and instead look to focus on their best interests and ensuring they feel cared for and supported.

For more information on grandparents’ rights during a parental divorce, please contact the expert family law team at Nelsons, by visiting www.nelsonslaw.co.uk/personal-legal-services/family-law-solicitors/children-law

About Rina Mistry

Rina Mistry is a Senior Associate in Nelsons’ expert Family Law team, specialising in complex Private Children Law and focusing on several niche areas. These include parental alienation, cross-border jurisdictional disputes, and cases involving serious allegations of harm. She also handles matters related to internal and external relocation, whether temporary or permanent and international child abduction. Additionally, Rina is experienced in private children matters where a child or parent is neurodiverse, surrogacy, applications on behalf of grandparents, and same-sex parenting cases.

Rina takes a client-focussed approach and aims to achieve the best possible outcome for all her clients, considering and tailoring her advice to each individual set of circumstances, whilst always ensuring that the children’s best interests remain at the forefront. Rina can support her clients in direct negotiations concerning arrangements, issuing a Court application or using alternative dispute resolution, such as mediation or arbitration.

Alongside children-related matters, Rina is also experienced in advising on all matters arising out of divorce and separation.

Children of Divorce/Family Mediation

Grandparents’ Rights: How They Can See Their Estranged Grandchildren

Published on October 11, 2024October 2, 2024

The contribution of grandparents, which is celebrated on Sunday, October 6 this year, is a reminder of the formative role they play in their grandchildren’s upbringing, wellbeing and development.

Sadly, these vital bonds can be severed if the children’s parents’ divorce or separate. Here are some questions we are often asked about grandparents’ rights.

What are grandparents’ rights?

As the law stands, grandparents have no automatic legal right to contact with their grandchildren.

What happens if the parents break up?

Grandparents involvement with their grandchildren takes on an even greater importance during divorce and separation when their homes can become a stable haven away from the stresses and strains of their parents’ break up.

The loss of such intimate connections can impact upon a child’s emotional welfare and be detrimental to their overall wellbeing.

In situations like this it is possible for grandparents to make an agreement with the children’s parents regarding contact with their grandchildren.

Arrangements can be agreed informally, or through a formal agreement drawn up by experienced family lawyers. Agreements often include when grandparents can visit their grandchildren and /or contact them by phone or email, and any other provisions they wish to make.

Is mediation an option in such cases?

Yes, family mediation offers a non-confrontational option where grandparents and parents can commit to reaching a solution in a spirit of communication and cooperation.

How does mediation work?

An experienced and impartial mediator like me would have a confidential Mediation Information Assessment Meeting (MIAM) with the grandparents.

After establishing that this option is the right way forward, the mediator meets separately with the grandchildren’s parents. Both parties then sign an ‘Agreement to Mediate,’ enabling negotiations to continue on a ‘without prejudice’ basis.

Both grandparents and parents can each appoint and retain their own solicitors who can, where appropriate, also attend the mediation discussions and consult with them outside of the meetings.

Agreed arrangements for contact with grandchildren can be compiled in an agreement signed by parents and grandparents. The process can be completed in as many or as few meetings as are required to reach agreed solutions.

What if the children’s parents refuse to mediate?

In situations where an agreement cannot be reached, grandparents can apply for permission from the court to apply for an order, known as a Child Arrangement Order from the Family Court to see their grandchildren. Experienced family lawyers can also assist and guide clients through this process.

The emotional and physical bonds between grandparents and their grandchildren are unique. Ensuring their continuity will go a long way to enhance their grandchildren’s stability and advancement in their formative years ahead.

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

A skilled mediator, child inclusive mediator and collaborative family lawyer Nicki champions Alternative Dispute Resolution processes which avoid a lengthy court process and can lead much more quickly and cost effectively to a successful resolution.

Her exceptional track record also includes advising clients on the more traditional methods of resolving issues surrounding family breakdowns. Direct Dial: 01904 202553 or email Nicki.mitchell@jonesmyers.co.uk www.jonesmyers.co.uk

Thumbnail for the YouTube video "The Importance of Child Inclusive Mediation - TDM Expert Interviews (EP. 2) - Nicki Mitchell"

Children of Divorce

A Guide to Child Inclusive Mediation – TDM Expert Interviews (EP.2) – Nicki Mitchell

Published on October 24, 2023November 28, 2023

Discover the pivotal role of Child Inclusive Mediation in the divorce process as Nicki Mitchell, Partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors, shares her expert insights.

In this enlightening interview, she explains why involving children in the mediation process is crucial and highlights alternative routes for separating couples, steering clear of the courtroom.

Whether you’re revisiting the conversation, prefer to read, or wish to delve into the details, this transcript offers a comprehensive summary of Nicki’s valuable knowledge and guidance.

Explore the essential insights and options for a more collaborative divorce journey. Read on for the full transcript of our video, “The Importance of Child Inclusive Mediation.”

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxsAMqn_CgA]

[Music]

Hello everybody welcome to The Divorce Magazine. Today we have Nicki Mitchell. My name is Soila Sindiyo I’m the Founder of The Divorce Magazine and, I just love meeting our contributors and Nicki has been contributing to with The Divorce Magazine since um, last year but Nicki who’s a Partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors, have been contributing since 2016 so, kind of like way when we had just started and um, so we have like 60 articles on the on The Divorce Magazine from Jones Myers so anybody who wants to know a little bit about this family law solicitors just go on there, you’ll find a lot of information about the processes and where they come from which, is the angle that I always get from your articles yours Nicki included is very child focused and trying to make divorce as amicable a process as possible um, so really happy that we are having this interview with you and so, who is Nicki Mitchell apart from being a Partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors?

Nicki is a very skilled child inclusive mediator, and as well as a family mediator and a collaborative law um, practitioner Nicki is also has had extensive experience in family law, and in particular in financial issues that have to do with relationship breakdown, family businesses and where there are multiple properties involved, as well as that complicated matter of pension arrangements.

So, this is Nicki and we have her here um, so thank you so much for coming Nicki and joining us on this one today what we’re going to be looking at is the whole issue of child inclusive mediation. And I would is there anything you want to add about your introduction by the way Nicki because I’ve just gone off?

No, no that that’s, that’s, that’s very complimentary very nice here thank you very much and no that that encapsulates or I do have the kind of weird interest in pensions I have to say but certainly the ADR approach is absolutely right that that is, definitely the way in which I certainly and the firm as a whole try to approach, dispute resolution within family cases trying to keep it away from the court try and keep control for the people whose lives it affects. Yeah, yeah, you said ADR, not everybody knows what ADR stands for.

What does ADR stand for?

I’m sorry okay, well in fact it’s now changed it’s Alternative Dispute Resolution, alternatives to the court it’s now become known as Dispute Resolution, the idea being that that it is not an alternative that should be the main way of approaching it so it’s really anything that doesn’t involve um, going to a court and asking a judge for a decision. Okay, so all the things you mentioned mediation, collaborative practice, and there’s also arbitration and um, private processes and so on so so all of that trying to trying to give people, ownership and autonomy and so they can work out their own futures rather than handing it over to somebody else to do.

Oh I like that I like the fact that they’ve removed the A and made it, yeah, it’s another way of getting divorced it’s not the alternative it isn’t one way and then also yeah, okay, that’s really good thank you thank you. So, but today we’re focusing on child inclusive mediation um, tell us what that is.

What is child inclusive mediation?

So, maybe I should really start with mediation rather than, presuming what that is it’s really not rocket science it’s a it’s a dispute resolution process, the various different models but the kind of classic, conventional one is it’s just a meeting between, the couple and a an impartial mediator like me um, who uses various skills to get, them help them get to a position where they reach agreed proposals about their children about finances about whatever it is they need to discuss and it’s so it is it’s a series of meetings it’s you know they retain control, often there are children involved sometimes the mediation is just about resolving children issues, sometimes it’s you know all kinds of consequences a relationship breakdown, all kinds of things that need to be talked about.

When it comes to children, so actually this again bit of kind of background, in 1989, there was a UN Convention on the rights of the child and that provided, so UN, UN level that children’s voices should be heard in any, proceedings affecting the money issues affecting them so that hasn’t really happened very effectively in my view, despite the fact that was a long quite a long time ago. Yeah, yeah so and there are other jurisdictions Australia interestingly has a much better developed Family Justice System than we have here in England and Wales.

And so in Australia for quite a lot of years now the way in which they have worked to get the voice of the child heard, certainly within the mediation process, focusing specifically on the mediation process rather than courts and you know that’s not what we’re talking about here, is child inclusive mediation. So what it isn’t, is you bring a child in, to a meeting sit them down in front of the parents and say right what do you think, it’s definitely not that it is about the, the child’s voice being heard.

And so it is a separate, it’s within the process first of all the parents you’ll have a conversation with the parents, say “this is something which is a possibility what do you think?” Everybody would have to agree so the child or children and both parents would have to be comfortable with that there’s quite a lot of preparation, for that because it’s really, really important, that everybody goes into it with the right intention and prepared for what might come out of it. So what the child bit, is a separate meeting, a confidential meeting, between me as the mediator and the child or children, and generally speaking there isn’t there are no hard or fast rules about what age it might be, um, but generally speaking a child of around 10 sometimes a bit younger, um. and certainly younger if they are younger siblings of an older child to if you see what I mean.

So it would be a separate meeting, sorry, you mean if they have older siblings then they can be, involved in the process I mean it doesn’t feel right, and I’ll come on to explain in a minute yeah so if you had a 12 year old and an 8 year old, the 12 year old, almost certainly would be, exactly the right age for this and and in terms of family dynamics, and all children you know, needing to be heard, it would be wrong, to in my view to exclude the 8 year old.

As long as they want or everybody wants to do it, really tiny children clearly not, because you can’t have that kind of conversation with them so, there are no hard and fast rules about the age. That, going back to the Australian experience, there’s a lot of research, that says that, children who have had their voices heard in this way have, have tend to have better mental health outcomes, as young adults, than their peers who haven’t gone through that but have experienced parental separation.

And, so, that can be the only reason, it’s a strange one because I’m not a therapist, not trained as a therapist and it isn’t therapy and you make that really clear, but it’s, but the research suggests that just by feeling that they’ve been able to have a confidential meeting with somebody impartial, that that has a positive impact, yeah, on children as they develop, yeah.

That’s really important I mean we see in studies that have been done because we know divorce can have, long-term effects on children, absolutely, if this is one way that that long-term effect can be eliminated or diminished, yes, yeah, absolutely so it may be, that all that happens in that meeting is that the children get things off their chest, and then, they’ve been able to do that, the parents know they’ve been able to do that and that you know that hopefully that will benefit them in the future.

And the reason why I say that might be it, is because the only thing that you can share from that confidential meeting with a child is what they agree you can share. So, it’s possible that some children will say “I don’t want you to share anything”, mostly, I can’t wait to tell you what they want you to tell the parents, and it’s not always what the parents want to hear, or expect to hear, but it is really, really important that everybody understands that that meeting is for the child it’s confidential to the child and anything that’s going to be shared is with the childs expressed permission.

Yeah, so, you know that, more often than not they’ll say things “I just want to just stop arguing”, you know or, it, it you get all kinds of things but, the reason why it’s really, really important to prepare parents for this is because there is a risk, that parents will think, well they’re just going to tell us what the answer is. The decision making remains very, firmly with the parents.

Okay, that’s, that’s one part that I really wanted to know about what happens at the end of that, um, and also I have so many questions that are going through my mind you know coming from my background as a psychologist and working a lot with children, um, and I have so many questions that are floating around in my mind so I like the idea that it’s a safe space for children to just come and, talk and say.

Um, at the same time I’m thinking or I’m wondering about children, do you do you have some kind of way or assessment where you realise that actually it wouldn’t be appropriate, even if the child is 12, 13, 14, where it looks like there’s been coercion, or possible parental alienation, that you think actually there’s no point?

Do you have some kind of way or assessment where you realise that actually it wouldn’t be appropriate to do child inclusive mediation, if there’s been possible coercion or parental alienation?

Oh yeah, yeah absolutely, it is by no means. In theory, this is something which should be offered, to all children but in practice, the mediator manages the mediation process the mediator as a mediator I can make a call you know I, will not infrequently say right we need to stop that now because this isn’t for whatever reason not necessarily reasons of abuse but, you know it’s just, all becoming unproductive, certainly if there’s any suggestions becoming abusive anyway and similarly, that first meeting with the parents is key.

So there are many reasons including the ones that you’ve said but also, if I think that really, one parent if I think anybody’s going to coach a child, or put pressure on a child, or, if the other thing to expose what do they, what if, there is feedback that they don’t like. So if a child tells me no I do actually want to stay with Dad, and just for example relatively common, thing that we could talk about in mediation, and Mum really doesn’t, expect, to hear that, because the child might have been saying something different as you know you’ll know as well as I do that children want to please and protect don’t they so, they will tell parents different things not because they’re dishonest, but because they’re just, in a really impossible position.

So you know there are cases where the feedback might be entirely unexpected and unwelcome and where, there is the potential for that to have a prejudicial impact on the relationship between the child and that parent, or for them to put pressure on them or whatever you’ve got to spend a lot of time, talking about all of this and assessing it and if there’s any suggestion of that it doesn’t happen.

And do you have um, the meeting with the children do you have, with all the children at the same time let’s say they’re two or three children or do you have them separately, how does that work?

Do you have the session with the children separately or all together?

Both, both so I would tend to start off with them all together, okay, and then, agree with them and that we spend time, separately.

I’ve never had it I’ve, I’ve never had anybody say “no we’re not doing that”, right, they, they tend to be but obviously you start off and you’ve got games to play but play a lot of Dobble and that kind of thing you know, you’ve got things to kind of put them at ease and have a bit of a chat and so on and once you’ve got to that point then they’re generally quite happy.

I wouldn’t make, especially you know I wouldn’t make a child do that but um, it’s really interesting, that, you know they often do have quite different things to say, and they understand that, they each, you know the children I’ve seen respect the fact that each one of them will have a different view and needs to be able to say that, so, yeah, it’s because it’s a dynamic thing and it’s also the individual perspective.

Yeah, I work a lot with children and families and in my own private practice I work a lot with family or couples or parents who are going through divorce and they’re concerned about their children, or have been Court Ordered to attend Triple P parenting programs so that they can either regain contact and, and so forth um, and I come from that angle, you know that where please listen to the children’s voices, please be health centred child focus it’s not about you here, it’s about them.

So what, what would you say, in your experience what have been the positive or the benefits of child inclusive mediation for the family and for you’ve mentioned a couple in terms of long term, effects, but within the process when you’re mediating and you have the children and you give feedback, what has been your experience um, in terms of the direction that the mediation has taken or changes that have happened?

What would you say are the positives or benefits of the child inclusive mediation process?

I have had cases where it’s been very difficult, so I’ve and in a case like that where I would see the parents separately at the beginning of the joint session, and that takes some time then to manage and, you know because I can then give the bad news the ability to give the unexpected news to one parent and ,you know also manage the other one’s expectations as to how we’re going to address that when we come back together. But generally speaking, you know if, if you’ve got it right and if they genuinely do want to listen it can be really helpful, it just you know and again you’re getting it right involves, the parents being really clear it’s still their decision, so they don’t have to go along with whatever they said yeah, but you know parents, are interested in all the children say generally speaking, and, you know it has informed, the choices that parents have made in a very positive way.

Do you ever have parents who are separated, and are trying to just come to the best possible scenario for their children who come in just for child inclusive mediation?

Yeah, yeah, good. Because quite a lot of people, the thing is in terms of financial work, you know the financial legal work, if parents aren’t married, the finances are actually quite straightforward so often they don’t need to mediate all that they’ve sorted all of that out so it only tends to be in the context to the divorced, when you’ve got the financial stuff as well, and there are lots, lots of you know unmarried families aren’t there so an awful lot of at cases where all they want to talk about is child arrangements.

And are there any disadvantages to child inclusive mediation that you can think of?

Are there any disadvantages to child inclusive mediation?

Well the role if you get it wrong, so you know if a parent, if a parent does bring pressure on a child I mean, I think coaching is relatively easy spot I mean it’s people will always suggest parents will always suggest that because they’re in a position of fear and they, you know, that it’s entirely natural to be suspicious about, what one, what the other parents saying to a child when they’re not there but, you know you, you either spend time with the parents as an initial Mediation Information Assessment Meeting or a MIAM at the beginning with each of them spending time getting to know them, understanding where they’re coming from, that’s really useful to spend quite a bit of time on that, and then you’ll have them together for a joint session so you do really start to get more of a feel for whether or not you think the impact of that process is, is, is going to be prejudicial because a parent will use it in the wrong way.

So, if you, kind of, don’t spot that for whatever reason and nobody’s perfect are they then there is the potential there for it being prejudicial to the child. We never see it as mediators, we never really see what happens ,further down the line it’s just you’re just involved in resolving that, dispute.

Occasionally people come back and say want to review things and, and so on. There is always a risk with any of these things is that that you know you can’t you can manage a process but you can’t make it perfect. Yeah, yeah, and how many sessions do you see the children for?

How many sessions do you see the children for?

Usually one, usually just one. So it would usually be, the individual meetings, the meeting with the parents to talk about it, explain it and make sure everything’s right, then you’d write to the child. So I write a handwritten letter, and age appropriately basically saying “you don’t have to come in but your mum and dad have asked me to write to you because they think it would be good for you to have a conversation with me”, so they, tell me what’s going on for you yeah, so maybe coming from mum and dad but you know, he has said duh, duh, duh, duh, it’s me you write to them as well and say I write to them and say mum and dad think it would be a good idea, yeah, you don’t have to do it if you, if you don’t want to, but, you might it might be nice for you to be able to have a chat about all of this.

Um, and you know in in kind of child’s age-appropriate language about, uh you know having to break confidently being confidential about having to break confidentiality if they tell me something that’s a safeguarding issue and then, they could have a session with, with the children, and then shortly afterwards, a session with the parents feedback session with the parents it’s really, important that that’s as short as possible so, you know, nobody’s worried about what’s been said what hasn’t been said, so that’s generally how it works.

I kind of know, the answer to this question seeing how our interview has gone, but what has been your experience of child inclusive mediation, compared to the traditional forms of divorce?

What has been your experience of child inclusive mediation, compared to the traditional forms of divorce mediation?

Mediation as opposed to traditional yeah, yeah. Where it’s, it’s, you know, “I’m going to see my lawyer, you’re going to see your lawyer” and then yeah, yeah, well. You can probably see this coming but it’s I cannot, say strongly enough, how much better it is, if people can be helped, to keep control of their future, to keep talking about their children.

I think the reality is that even, whether I mean it’s like any profession, there are some really, really good practitioners out there and there are some who, approach it differently, who perhaps don’t kind of get the reality that these are people’s lives. It’s not about scoring points and showing how good you’re at the law or anything like that.

And there are people out there generally speaking is a pretty good enlightened profession but there are people out there so when you get into, you know somebody goes to see a solicitor and straight down the litigation route I can’t tell you how damaging, that is for everybody. I mean it’s bad enough for the lawyers really, it’s not a great job it’s not a great way of earning a living I mean, you know the whole time people firing things that are trying to score points is horrible and it’s not even your life.

So, you know, what mediation, collaborative practice, all of those things. The advantage of those things is that, people keep control of their own lives and, you know, a lot of lawyers would think oh well, they don’t people don’t know what the options are when they come in. They think it’s court, yeah, but I, a very, I can’t really remember anybody who, who you know by the end of the first conversation wants to go to court.

They might think it’s inevitable because they think that their ex, will do that but the reality is, quite often they don’t want to do it it’s fear isn’t it, it’s all about yeah, it’s all about people wanting to protect themselves it’s that kind of fight or flight thing. It’s a clinical, cold process, it’s highly discretion there’s lots of the things that actually matter to people never get mentioned in court proceedings.

So it’s very unsatisfactory all along and all of these things are said in a formal ways, sometimes by pompous lawyers in the courtroom, it’s really, it’s really damaging. Yeah, that I try um, we try to have on The Divorce Magazines when we have contributions you know people will submit articles, that are verging or, leaning very, much towards this part of um, acrimony or, triggering or then we, we don’t talk about that we just want articles, that are because let’s not. Okay, divorce is not pleasant for anybody, no matter which way we go. And I usually say, for the child the separation of the parents is a big deal, but what could be even bigger, which could be the primary trauma is how the whole process is handled, yeah, conflict, yeah, so yeah exactly conflict so in The Divorce Magazine we really try, to not try, we, we I think we do manage to not have articles that are you, know going in that direction and keeping it, letting people know there are other ways of dealing with it and if you have a solicitor these are the things that you need to think about and all articles are contributed by experts like you, you know family lawyers and so forth.

So speaking of the different ways that um, divorce goes, you know the different processes you’ve mentioned some, I’d like to find out a little bit more for instance you mentioned a MIAM. What is a MIAM?

What is a MIAM?

The MIAM is the first stage of the mediation process. So it stands for Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, so it’s a one-to-one meeting between the mediator and one of the couple, one of the separating couple, where it’s not about solving anything, it’s not about the mediating making judgments or anything it’s about understanding what the issues are, understanding where that person is coming from, giving them information about the mediation process, and coming to a decision at the end of that, as to whether they’re willing to give it a go.

And it’s the MIAM, so people get confused the, the court rules now say ish, they say there are exemptions that if you want to make an application to a family court for a family order, then you have to have had a MIAM. You don’t say you have to mediate it because you know you take horse to water and all that but you have to have had that information. So that’s what the MIAM is so hopefully what it is, is a preliminary to a mediation process but if not it’s, it’s a conversation, to inform people about alternatives to court applications.

And I’m assuming that, correct me if I’m wrong that the MIAM was put in place in that way, you know preliminary to, going to court in the hope that some people will be diverted into a conversational level, absolutely, absolutely, and it does work but it, it often works I mean I, and many mediator colleagues would say, if you get somebody in, it’s very unlikely they’re going to say they don’t want to do it when you explain you know so do you know how long a Court’s gonna take do you know how much it’s going to cost you that kind of thing.

But you do still get referrals and I just I just needed to sign a form there’s a challenge. I don’t think that’s gonna happen um, yeah, so, so yes it’s um, that’s the idea and courts are getting judges are getting better at, because for years they’ve been regulations in place and what people have been doing is just say there’s an exemptions, there are more pages on the Form A which is the financial form, right, about exemption from mediation than there are about anything else so, there’s all kinds of you know, perfectly followed one’s domestic abuse Etc. Although, you know personally I think an initial meeting to properly screen that, yeah, rather than a solicitor, ticking a box, is I think, don’t think that would be a bad idea.

Can I ask you just with regards to that Nicki so let’s say I’m getting divorced, and I say, I said to my future ex-husband to be, shall we go for, for mediation and he says “no I don’t want to go for mediation” anyway, I come to you, I get my MIAM and we eventually, you know end up in court, the fact that he didn’t want to go to mediation, is that ever taken into account is it, you know does it.

If my ex declines going for mediation, is that take into account when going to court?

Yes and no I mean what you because the mediation, there’s a lot of confidential issues around mediation so mediator isn’t going to be, giving reasons apportioning blame Etc. So in your, in your situation I’m still contacting, okay, so if you come to me for a MIAM, I would still contact him and say “why don’t you just come for a chat”, so there is still, whatever he says, yeah, yeah there’s still that but if he still says no, the courts are getting much better at A. Making sure people have actually not just ticked an exemption box for the sake of it and have seen that and B. adjourning things and saying I saw a couple last week, is that exactly that had happened, applications being made to the court, the court said come on you can sort this out to between yourselves go to mediation.

Yeah, and I’ve had a few like that, so courts are becoming much more, come on this is, this is parenting it’s not law it’s parenting. Have a supported conversation it’s not here’s a conversation, but have one supported by the right professional. That’s really good to hear, so Nicki this brings us really nicely into, my last question, which is, we started off by talking about the different ways of mediation, of divorcing now the different, different processes that are out there, can you tell us, you know we know the traditional one I go like that again in terms of lawyer, lawyer couples go to court and, and all of that or they don’t go to court but it’s just that the lawyers speaking, and then we’ve talked about mediation, family mediation and we’ve talked about the MIAMs and what that means, and where it goes and we’ve talked about child inclusive mediation but what other, other ways are there of um, going through the divorce process.

What other ways are there of going through the divorce process?

I think what happens is, you get to know somebody, spend some time at the beginning you kind of assess, where they’re at and you can do whatever it takes and you commit, the thing that I find really exciting now about the way family law is developing and it’s been a long time coming, is that there is now an openness to, you know changing tack as you need to if something doesn’t work find a different way of doing it it’s not just you go to mediation, if mediation fails you go to court, there are lots of other ways that you can do it.

So, the main way in which, that kind of process option I would call is collaborative practice. The collaborative practice is, a bit like mediation, but the lawyers are, it’s a team thing so it’s the couple and their lawyers around the table, they sign a contract that says they’re not going to go to court they’re going to sort it out around that table, they can then bring other professionals into that so whether that’s pensions experts, accountants, valuers whatever they can actually come to the table, have a proper conversation so everybody understands things, and questions can be asked.

And then, they reach an agreement and that’s sorted by the lawyers. So that is a really, effective process, quite kind process as well and it’s, it’s team problem solving at its best and, generally speaking that’s, you know it does work. Are there solicitors from two different firms, yeah, two different they come together then the accountants and everybody else that you mentioned are they from, are there two sets of accountants, two sets of, no, okay, there’s just one so the idea is that and I do this in my mediation practice as well.

Quite often with pensions, erm you know we need some pensions of complicated things, we need somebody with our expertise, let’s send them the information so this is what we want to achieve and they’ll come and talk to us about how that can happen. So that can happen in a collaborative process but it’s one, it’s what’s called a ‘Single Joint Expert’ it’s the same principle in court, that instead you know gone are the days where, you would have you know husband’s accountant, the wife’s accountant, and a big scrap about it the court says “no you need to agree one person to do it they’ve got the expertise, let them do it.”

So, those people can come into any process but what, what I find most, exciting about what’s, maybe sounds a bit, wrong to be talking about it but I mean as professionally exciting for me in terms of, seeing really positive change, is that there is an accept there are different models coming out and we’re in the process in York of thinking about, how we can work, by putting a team together so instead of, somebody going to one solicitor or the other person going to the other solicitor, them having completely different styles and everybody ends up confused and, they can’t agree what to do.

Almost you could have it can have a process and it does work there’s a, we spoke to some people some, fantastic women in Melbourne in Australia they came over and spoke to us in the summer and what they do is they, a couple goes, go to them as an organisation and they say right okay this is what you need in your team, you need, you get a lawyer each because you need that guidance, but actually a lot of the works can be done by a financial person because that financial person can get all the financial information together, that saves your lawyer time, you would need some support from divorce coach, family consultant, various different, words for them but they tend, they are people who will be there skilled people who are there to provide that emotional support, that again reduces illegal costs because people, are reliant on family lawyers, to get them through things and that you know it’s part of the job that I like best it’s forming those relationships but I’m not, I’m not trained as a counsellor or you know anything like that so you get, you bring in the people you create a team and then and from the start the choices to work together to get where you need to be.

So we’re looking at ways at the moment in York of um, trying to make that work talking to different professionals and talking to somebody who already, does it in the south of England and trying to put that together. It sounds like a very holistic way of treating, a divorcement yeah, uh, you know different because divorce means so many different things it’s not just a bit of the couple, there’s the lost family home, there’s the loss of the future, the loss of the children’s idea of what life would be like, your idea, you know there’s so much you know the plans and then, not even talking about the pain and you know the hurt the you know, what you’re, feeling and then you know if somebody has not been working now it’s going to go out and getting reskilled it’s such a huge, emotional roller, no well maybe not roller coaster because sometimes can just keep going up yeah, sometimes yeah, I know yeah, yeah.

Thank you so much Nicki, yeah sure I’ve enjoyed it actually yeah, I might get in touch with you because I want to talk about the pension side of, of divorce because I think that’s what um, has been, it’s spoken about but only, it feels like when people just decide we’re breaking up it’s like who’s going to get the house, and then you don’t think about the other things that come after that or on the side of that or um, it would be good to have another interview that’s about the financial side of, absolutely and pensions weirdly pensions, I blame my dad, my dad was an accountant so I do have a there’s, a there’s a natural streak of me that likes the numbers, so and pensions are really complicated and I love it I do find it really interesting although I don’t share that with everybody because people find that strange. Which is all you need.

I like that families you can do the numbers yeah, yeah. Thank you so much, thank you very much and thank you for all the contributions from you and from Jones Myers on to The Divorce Magazine, pleasure no it’s, it’s great and I, I love the ethos I do like that it’s very clear that what you do, it’s a, it’s a positive force it’s like no look at this yeah, make, make choices make better choices yeah, with the right information people often make poor choices because they don’t got the right information. Exactly, exactly and that’s why we only take contributions from, divorce professionals. Anybody else it’s maybe from their own experience of divorce, or step parenting, but when it’s giving, when it’s sharing knowledge about divorce and the divorce process, only from divorce professionals other no bloggers or writers, no you need to be able to be writing for The Divorce Magazine, yeah. Thank you so much, excellent, absolute pleasure.

[Music]

Read more articles by Nicki Mitchell.

About Nicki Mitchell

Nicki is a partner at Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors. With extensive experience in family law, Nicki specialises in the financial aspects of relationship breakdown – and particularly complex cases involving family businesses, multiple properties, and complicated pension arrangements.

Skilled in mediation and collaborative family lawyer, Nicki is also a Child Inclusive Mediator which enables her to meet with children of separated parents and hear what they want for their future.

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The hopes of a new treaty defining the future of mediation

About Lucy Adams

About Knights

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Challenges

Talking it out

Court application

Maintaining relationships