children and divorce - Page 5

How Coparents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children
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How Co-Parents Can Create a Safe Haven for Grieving Children

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop
Al Huntoon
Al Huntoon
Founder
Coparenting Connection

“When my parents got divorced, I was just a baby and had no idea what it felt like to have two parents together. Children at any age grieve the loss of their family.”

What is Grief?

In very simple terms, grief is a reaction to loss. When we think of grief, we often think of a death loss, but grief is much broader than most think, and it can be felt for various reasons. Children are not immune to feeling these emotions. Many parents who go through a breakup or divorce may not even recognise that their children may also be grieving.

One aspect of the experience that not many separating or divorcing couples understand is that children do grieve this loss. It changes their whole life. Children can have similar reactions to how the parents may feel about the separation or divorce.

Children’s reactions and feelings can be more acute in the case of high-conflict separations or divorces. The day before transferring the child to the other parent’s house can be fraught with tense feelings. These are sensed by the child, who may wonder whether their parents may fight openly at the transfer or what will happen. That was my experience as a child.

When Karen’s parents divorced, she was too young to know what it was like to have both parents together. Karen recalls feeling lonely and insecure during her visits with her father, crying alone, and longing for her mother. Children of all ages grieve the loss of their family, though many parents may not recognise this. Grief, a reaction to loss, isn’t limited to death and can deeply affect children during divorce. This grief changes a child’s entire life, often manifesting in behavioural issues due to their limited ability to understand or express their feelings.

To illustrate this, Karen shares a deeply personal story from her own childhood, which highlights the impact of grief.

I saw pictures of myself spending time with my father when I was very young, but my earliest memories were with my mother. I spent most of my childhood with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend. Some of my earliest memories include crying in my bed at my father’s place and longing to be with my mom. I felt alone and hurt, yearning for her. I was also a very sickly child, and I struggled in those early years of school.

My attachment system was formed to feel secure and safe with my mom, but my behaviour was not always entirely indicative of that. I felt strongly attached and secure with her, but something else was going on at the same time. Once in kindergarten, I stole some macaroni that we used for art, and I got caught, so this was reported to the principal and my mom. I am not sure why I took it—maybe I thought my mom needed it to feed us. I also remember taking some Rice Krispies from home, putting them in a bag, and hiding them in the evergreens in front of the house. Was I feeling unsafe or insecure?

I wasn’t close to my father or his new wife. Years later, as I reflect on my childhood, I realise I had been grieving the loss of a normal family, the time I wasn’t with my mom, and the absence of a father figure I never truly had. I had never talked about this until years later in therapy. As a child in the 1970s and 1980s, my feelings did not matter much.

Parents may feel guilt about the separation or divorce but might not understand that their children are grieving as well. Karen’s parents never knew, and she cried by herself, jealous of other families with two loving parents—an emotion she now recognises as a form of grief.

Children Living Between Two Worlds

For children, divorce involves not just family members moving but also strong emotions and significant changes. They must navigate living between two worlds, with parents who may have different parenting styles. Consistency can help, but the transition is still difficult. Adults must understand separation or divorce from the child’s perspective, recognising that while they handle logistics, children are dealing with internal turmoil.

It’s common for separated or divorced parents to not want to hear that their child misses or feels sad about the other parent, leading some children to isolate themselves emotionally. Karen’s story is an example of this. Children may grieve the loss of their family, the daily presence of both parents, and the stability they once had. Relief may come in high-conflict households, but grief can also include sadness, confusion, anger, and fear of the unknown. Addressing these grief-related emotions is crucial to helping children adjust to divorce.

Age-Specific Indicators:

  • Ages 2 and under: Increased fussiness, clinginess, regression.
  • Ages 3-5: Regression, nightmares, aggression, noncompliance, temper tantrums, complaints about stomach.
  • Ages 6-9: Role replacement, feelings of abandonment, clinginess, fear you will disappear, aggression, withdrawal, may blame themselves, possessiveness, psychosomatic symptoms.
  • Early Adolescents: Increased aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, torn between two people, feeling the weight of being stuck in the middle, may take sides, anger, frustration, confusion, hurt, shame (worries about what their friends may think), may play games with parents.
  • Ages 13-18: Aggression, possessiveness, defiance, psychosomatic symptoms, possible risky behaviours, may distance themselves emotionally, may have conflicted loyalties, uncertain how to talk to their friends about it, grieve their home and lifestyle, grades may slip.
  • All Ages: Sadness, anger, guilt, denial, fear, psychosomatic symptoms, behavioural problems, aggression, concentration issues, fatigue, withdrawal, low self-esteem.

Emotional Literacy in Grieving Children

These reactions triggered by loss can be overwhelming for children, they often lack the emotional maturity and cognitive development to fully understand or process the feeling of grief. Children often struggle to articulate their feelings and might require guidance and support to navigate their grief in a healthy, productive way. Emotional literacy—the ability to recognise, understand, and express emotions constructively—plays a crucial role in helping children manage their grief. Here are some key benefits:

  • Validation of Feelings: When children can clearly express their feelings, they often feel more in control and understood. Knowing that their emotions are acknowledged and valued gives them a sense of empowerment. This recognition also fosters trust between children and their caregivers, reinforcing the idea that their feelings matter. Stronger emotional bonds with parents develop when children feel heard and understood, providing essential support and love during challenging times.
  • Reduced Anxiety: Understanding emotions can shed light on the complex feelings associated with grief, reducing confusion and anxiety. Expressing emotions can be a calming release, helping children manage anxiety in a healthy way. Children who can articulate their emotions are less likely to feel overwhelmed. By understanding the emotional responses of others, children can approach social interactions and family dynamics with greater ease.
  • Healthy Expression: Emotional literacy provides children with positive outlets for their emotions, reducing the likelihood of emotional outbursts or destructive behaviors. By learning to communicate their needs and feelings effectively, children can build stronger relationships with parents and peers. This emotional intelligence also enhances their ability to resolve conflicts peacefully by understanding different perspectives.
  • Enhanced Coping Skills: Emotional literacy helps children develop stronger coping mechanisms, helping them to face life’s challenges with resilience and adaptability. They are better equipped to solve problems by considering both their emotions and logical reasoning. This emotional intelligence enables children to make balanced decisions.

Supporting Emotional Literacy

Nurturing children’s emotional literacy involves employing intentional strategies that parents can implement to help their children understand and express their emotions in a healthy manner:

  • Modelling Behaviour: Parents can demonstrate emotional awareness by openly expressing their own feelings in an age-appropriate manner. For example, a parent might say, “I’m feeling frustrated right now.” By modelling healthy emotional responses, parents teach children valuable coping skills. Creating an open environment where children can ask questions and share their feelings without fear of judgment is essential.
  • Active Listening: When children express their emotions, giving them full attention is crucial. Using empathetic statements like, “I think you might be feeling sad because of the changes in our family,” shows children that their feelings are understood and valued. Attentive listening encourages open dialogue about emotions and fosters a supportive atmosphere.
  • Labelling and Coaching: Helping children identify and label their emotions is a key step in emotional literacy. For example, if children’s is upset, a parent can say, “It seems like you’re feeling angry.” Discussing the reasons behind these emotions can help children understand their feelings better. Positive reinforcement for expressing emotions encourages continued development of emotional literacy skills.

Strategies to Address Children’s Grief

Providing a Stable and Supportive Environment

Creating a sense of stability and support is crucial for children’s experiencing grief, especially in a coparenting situation. By working together, parents can build a consistent and reassuring environment that helps their child feel secure, even amidst significant life changes.

  • Aligned Messaging: In the delicate process of coparenting, presenting a unified front is crucial. When parents align their messaging, it not only reduces confusion but also eases the insecurities that grieving children often face. Consistent communication about family changes and emotional support signals to the child that both parents are in sync, offering them a comforting sense of security.
  • Shared Emotional Literacy Goals: Both parents should place a high priority on fostering emotional literacy, ensuring they are teaching and reinforcing the same concepts and strategies. By collaborating on how to handle significant events or emotional challenges, parents can prevent mixed signals and reinforce the importance of understanding and expressing emotions constructively. This unified approach ensures that the child receives consistent guidance, no matter which home they are in.
  • Predictability and Stability: Stability is the cornerstone of children’s emotional security, especially during times of grief. Consistency in rules and routines across both households provides the predictability that children need to feel safe and in control. When parents collaborate to establish similar expectations—whether it’s bedtime or screen time—they create a consistent experience that helps the child understand both homes as secure and familiar spaces, reducing any potential for confusion or anxiety.

Communication is Critical

  • Regular Check-ins: To uphold consistency, parents should schedule regular check-ins to discuss their children’s emotional and behavioural progress. Whether weekly or bi-weekly, these proactive discussions allow parents to stay ahead of any emerging issues, preventing minor challenges from escalating into significant problems.
  • Emotional Updates: These check-ins are also a vital opportunity to share updates on the children’s emotional state. By discussing any significant events or changes in behaviour, parents can ensure they are both prepared to respond appropriately and consistently, reinforcing the children’s emotional literacy and wellbeing.
  • Focus on the Children’s Wellbeing: Amidst the complexities of coparenting, it’s essential to keep the focus squarely on the child’s well-being. Conflicts should be handled privately, away from children, to avoid adding unnecessary stress to their emotional burden. By agreeing to present a calm and united front, even during disagreements, parents can shield their children from tension. In moments of conflict, refocusing on the shared goal—supporting the children’s emotional and developmental needs—can guide conversations and decisions toward constructive outcomes.

Professional Support

Undoubtedly, there will be challenges in helping your children navigate a separation or divorce. For the most part, you and your co-parent will be able to guide them through this life-changing event. However, each child’s response to the family transition will be unique. One child may adapt better to the divorce, while another may struggle. At times, it may be best for co-parents to seek support from professionals who can help guide and support their child through the separation or divorce and its effects.

When to Seek Professional Help

There are several reasons why co-parents might consider seeking professional help. As mentioned earlier, children’s behaviors can vary depending on their developmental stage. It is normal for children to regress, show anger, and sadness, or make hurtful remarks during a separation or divorce. These behaviors often stem from their grief over the loss of their previous family structure. However, if these signs become persistent and severe, consulting a children’s therapist may be crucial.

Signs That Professional Help May Be Needed:

  • Persistent Distress: Continuous sadness, anxiety, or upset for an extended period.
  • Significant Behavioural Issues: Dramatic changes in behaviour, increased defiance, aggression, or disruption.
  • Unexplained Physical Symptoms: Frequent complaints of headaches, stomachaches, or other physical ailments without a clear medical cause.
  • Self-Harm or Severe Depression/Anxiety: Talk of self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or severe emotional distress.
  • Decline in Academic Performance: Noticeable drops in grades, loss of interest in school, or frequent school-related complaints.
  • Social Withdrawal: Avoiding friends, family, and previously enjoyed social activities.
  • Sleep Disturbances: Persistent nightmares, insomnia, or excessive sleeping.
  • Regressive Behaviours: Reverting to younger behaviours such as bed-wetting, clinginess, or tantrums.
  • Substance Use: Experimenting with drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism.
  • Intense Anger or Aggression: Frequent outbursts, fighting with peers, or defiance toward authority figures.
  • Difficulty with Daily Functioning: Struggling with routines, responsibilities, or loss of interest in activities.
  • Changes in Eating Habits: Significant weight loss or gain, or changes in eating patterns.
  • Excessive Guilt or Self-Blame: Expressing feelings of responsibility for the divorce or ongoing family issues.

Recognising these signs early and seeking professional help can make a significant difference in your child’s emotional and psychological wellbeing during and after a divorce.

Conclusion: Why This Matters

Parenting responsibilities don’t diminish during a separation or divorce; in fact, they often increase as coparenting introduces new and challenging skills. Emotional literacy is crucial—children need to express their feelings about the suddenly changed circumstances and their impact. Parents need to communicate with their children and be vigilant for harmful behaviors.

Coparents must understand that children grieve and that each child’s way of grieving is unique. During separation and divorce, parents are often overwhelmed by the many tasks and emotions involved. Some may feel strong guilt about leaving a marriage and its effects on their children. Many parents may not realise that, although children are generally resilient and able to transition, most new co-parents are unaware of how to effectively communicate with their children during this time.

Whether the relationship ended mutually or not, divorce is overwhelming. Karen’s personal story is not uncommon. This guide, which includes behaviours to watch for, developmental issues at each age, emotional literacy, practical coparenting strategies, and creating a stable environment, provides important steps for recognising and addressing these challenges.

Read more articles by Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand holds a rare university degree in Thanatology and a B.A. in Sociology. She is the co-author of the “Just Separated Divorce Workbook,” coming out this October, and co-founder of The Divorce Workshop. As a private counsellor and coach, Karen specialises in high-conflict cases, post-divorce abuse, grief, and divorce. Having navigated her own high-conflict divorce, she is also the mother of two lovely daughters.

About Al Huntoon

Al Huntoon is a seasoned social worker with over 30 years of progressive experience in nonprofit leadership, coaching, and conflict resolution. As the founder of Coparenting Connection, he helps parents navigate the challenges of coparenting children from separate homes. Previously, he served as a Child Custody Mediator in the North Carolina’s largest Family Court District where he mediated hundreds of cases in a highly charged legal and emotional environment.

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How To Handle the Gut-Wrenching Questions Kids Ask After Divorce
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How To Handle the Gut-Wrenching Questions Kids Ask After Divorce

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I knew that divorce was going to be painful. I wasn’t naive enough to think I was going to get out of it without intense emotional trauma.

I knew that my life would change financially, that I was going out into the world alone and that I’d lose some of my friends. And worst of all, I knew that my kids were going to have to go through pain, too.

But nothing in the world prepared me for how I reacted when they asked me why we couldn’t stay together.

These questions were unbearable because they tapped into my subconscious judgment about why we couldn’t do it, too.

Out of the mouths of babes

The most gut-wrenching one I can remember was when my daughter, who was four years old at the time, asked why we couldn’t live together anymore.

I felt the familiar grief start to overtake me as I blindly searched for the right words.

“Sometimes two people still love each other, but they can’t live together anymore because it makes them sad”.

She looked at me puzzled and said, “But if you don’t live together, then the kids will be sad”.

It was like a knife going through my heart; I felt physical pain. The hardest part was that I couldn’t just fall to my knees and sob right in front of her. I had to kindly and gently complete the conversation and get on with the twenty jobs I had to do before bedtime. (No breaks in single parenting!).

Then, thankfully, as I sank into bed on my own, I could let the tears flow. That’s how it was in the beginning. Pushing through each hour before I could collapse at the end of the day and fall apart before the alarm went off and I’d have to get up to face another day of holding it together.

The hits kept coming

Not long after that, my son blindsided me. We’d just dropped his friend back home after a visit, and we’d gone inside to say hi and chat a bit with her parents. When we got home, he said, “I wish my parents were together like Abby’s parents. Why couldn’t you and dad stay together?”

I sat there frozen, not even sure what to say. What was there to say? I agreed with him. I wished that he had two parents who were together as well.

Again, I searched for some words, any words that he could try to understand at the age of seven.

“I know you’re sad. I’m really sad too, and I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. You have two parents who love you very much, just like Abby”. Again, I went to bed feeling ripped apart and raw. I was worried sick about what the divorce was doing to us all.

How it’s changed

My son is nearly eighteen now, and my daughter is nearly fifteen. These days, they say it would be weird if their dad and I were still together. They’re used to our new family structure, and they are both happy, thriving, and well-adjusted teens.

Eventually, I started seeing that my kids were okay. With our love, support, and commitment to amicable co-parenting, they made it through our divorce, and although we don’t live under one roof, their family is still intact.

How to manage when they ask these questions

The key to handling these types of comments from your kids is not to panic. Accept that these comments will trigger guilt and pain inside you, but don’t shy away from the conversation.

Although it’s a sad time in their lives, when you acknowledge what they’re going through and admit that, yes, it is sad, you validate their feelings. It would be worse if you tried to brush over it and say, ‘Oh, it’s okay. It’s not that bad having two homes. Everything is pretty much the same’ and then quickly move on.

Or worse. Blame their other parent because you haven’t dealt with your own anger. “Well, if your mother wasn’t such a bitch we’d still be married”. Yes, I know someone whose father said this to him when his parents divorced.

Of course, we don’t want to see our kids go through these moments of expressing their sadness and anger that life isn’t working out how they expected it to. There probably isn’t a harder part of divorce, in all honesty. We want so badly to protect them from going through it, but we simply can’t.

Show your kids that you’re in it together

Kids need to see that you share in their sadness. It should be like a team effort to get through it together. As always, I won’t sugarcoat this fact. It’s f**king painful, f**king hard, and it takes at least two years before it really does feel like you are living your new post-divorce family life with a semblance of normality.

It doesn’t stop there. But those first two years are the hardest for everyone, and it’s usually during these years that you’ll get those types of questions and comments from your children because this is when they are still trying to process reality.

If you’re finding these questions and comments difficult to cope with, make sure you have someone you can contact to help you through the triggers when they come.

Trying to shoulder the burden of your children’s pain while you are in the process of getting yourself through emotional turmoil is not something that should be taken lightly. You need to look after yourself.

Talk to a good friend who has experienced divorce, journal it out, join a divorce support group or work with a divorce coach if you can.

Read books or listen to podcasts that specifically address helping children through divorce. You can never be over-informed about this.

If you have young children, there are a heap of good picture books that can help them make sense of what’s happening and give you some strategies for talking about it with them.

Here’s a link to the 7 Best Children’s Books About Divorce to get you started if you’re interested. Some of them are for older kids, too.

You’ll make it

You can get yourself and your kids through the first few years of divorce with the right game plan and a set of tools and strategies to handle the gut-wrenching questions when they come. Preparation is everything.

In the beginning it feels like coming out the other side is an impossible dream. But there are many, many people who have been able to get their families through divorce and thrive. I’m one of them, and there’s no reason that you can’t be one of them too.

Click here for more articles by Carol Madden

About Carol Madden

Hello, my name is Carol Madden and I am a certified divorce coach working with clients around the world from my online practice in New Zealand.

I aim to help individuals navigate the often overwhelming emotions and practical considerations of separating from a spouse. I understand the unique challenges that divorce can bring, having been through my own divorce ten years ago.

I believe that divorce can be an opportunity for growth and positive change, rather than just a painful ending. Through my coaching, I help clients gain clarity and confidence as they move forward in their lives.

As a writer, I am excited to share my perspectives on divorce with readers seeking solid support during their separations. Whether providing tips for managing the emotional rollercoaster or offering practical advice for effectively co-parenting, I want to help others through this challenging time.

Discover me on social media:

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Step Parenting: Ups and Downs
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Step Parenting: Ups and Downs

Published on
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT
Co-Founder
Divorceworkshop

At the tender age of 4 or 5, my small world suddenly included a new character – my stepmother. What my father had hoped would be a seamless blending of families turned out to be anything but. I can still vividly remember innocently requesting of her a task that, in my young mind, only my mom could accomplish – something truly extraordinary. Her response, tethered by the complexity of our situation, marked the beginning of what would become a challenging relationship.

As the years rolled by, the connection between us failed to blossom into the harmonious bond one might have hoped for. Now, in retrospect, those tumultuous years have inspired me to help those navigating the intricate journey of serious relationships after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Step Families: The Common Reality

Amidst high divorce rates for first-time marriages, it is even higher for second marriages, a crucial factor contributing to this trend is the intricate dynamics of blended families. Stepfamilies are prevalent in the U.S., U.K., and Canada, where a substantial portion of the population includes at least one step-relative. However, achieving harmony in a new stepfamily is not an immediate accomplishment; even under optimal conditions, it generally takes two to four years for the family to establish a cohesive rhythm in shared living

However, the journey is far from straightforward. Remarriage with children introduces intricate challenges, often contributing to a higher divorce rate. Issues like intolerance, competing needs, loyalty pressures, and sharing struggles can complicate the dynamics, potentially leading to conflicts that jeopardise relationships. Success in such blended families requires shedding fairy-tale ideals and approaching remarriage with children armed with realistic expectations.

My Story: A Child of Divorce with a Stepparent

Growing up in the aftermath of my parents’ high-conflict divorce was not without its challenges. In an era where there were no guides on being a good stepparent and little emphasis on blending families the right way, my father, being a traditional man, took a back seat in parenting when I was with him and his wife. Balancing attention between my older sister and myself, as well as my new siblings from his new wife, posed challenges. My initial resistance to accepting another motherly figure into my life set the stage for a rocky start with my new stepmother which continued for years and years.

With no “How to be a Good Stepparent book” to guide the way, the blending of our families back in the 1970s and 80s lacked knowledge and education. My mother’s values and parenting styles differed significantly from my new stepmother’s, and adjusting to this new dynamic was no easy feat. I was very bonded to my mother, and there was no way that this new person was ever going to replace her. The adaption was complicated and stressful for me. When I would leave my mom’s, I would cry myself to sleep at my father’s, where I felt left out and alone. Over time, I eventually adapted and survived, but there were aspects I loathed. My stepmother introduced a set of rules and traditions that clashed with what I was familiar with, and the adjustment process was anything but smooth.

I remember once when I did not make my bed to her standards and, as I was walking to school, probably in grade 3 or 4, she started to scream at me outside as I began my walk to school. It was humiliating, and I hated her even more. Another time, I was a teenager and babysitting my younger siblings. I was trying to get a hold of my father to come home earlier from the club bar, as I had been asked out on my very first date. I called the bar a few times to finally get her on the phone and asked them to come home so I could go out on this date. When she got home, she screamed at me for ruining her night. Everything I did had to go through her, not my father, which was one of their biggest mistakes.

If she were to say anything in her defence I did not make it easy for her, and it was not my role to do so. I was a young child and hurting on many levels. As I got older there was never any open communication between my father and stepmother on what was to be expected and how I was feeling or doing. That was not a common thing done in the 70s and 80s when children’s feelings were validated and talked about.

Navigating the role of a step-parent is undoubtedly challenging, both for the individual stepping into that role and for the child involved. While my personal experience may not paint an optimistic picture, however, countless blended families thrive, demonstrating that success is indeed possible. I recall a psychologist emphasising the positive correlation between a child’s wellbeing and the love they receive. This underscores the potential for a fulfilling relationship between a step-parent and their stepchild through dedicated effort, patience, and a clear understanding of their respective roles.

There are important aspects to consider if you’re considering remarriage or entering a serious relationship after divorce, especially when children are involved.

Here are some general guidelines for step-parents:

Establishing Clear Communication:

  • Maintain consistent communication with the child’s biological parent to better understand their parenting views and the child’s needs.
  • Ask for their input on how to build a positive relationship with your step child, ensuring you’re aligned in your approach.

Navigating Parenting Styles:

  • Reflect on your parenting methods, acknowledging that each parent might have a different approach. Striving for a common understanding is crucial. Notably, roughly one-third of parents may have similar parenting styles.
  • Promote an environment where all parents can openly discuss and contribute to decisions impacting the child.

Setting Realistic Expectations:

  • Acknowledge that step parenting comes with unique challenges, and understand that blended families have their dynamics, different from traditional ones. It’s important to give step parents the space to voice their challenges and frustrations.
  • Replace expectations of instant bonding with patience, understanding that forming strong connections takes time.

Intentional Role Development:

  • Be mindful and deliberate about your role within the family. Invest time in learning about your stepchildren, their history, and any special needs they may have.
  • Engage in open, transparent discussions with your partner to gain deeper insight into the child’s experiences and emotions.

Fostering Relationships:

  • Building relationships in a blended family is a process that requires patience and time.
  • Start with simple, enjoyable activities that allow children to adapt at their own pace.
  • The biological parent plays a vital role in fostering a secure and cohesive family environment.

Showing Respect:

  • Always show respect for the child’s other biological parent, particularly in the child’s presence.
  • Understand that children might see the arrival of a new stepparent as a loss, so it’s important to avoid any negative comments or criticism.

Approaching Discipline:

  • In the beginning, let the biological parent take the lead on discipline.
  • Focus on establishing a caring, trusting relationship with your stepchild before stepping into any disciplinary role.
  • Regularly communicate with your partner about parenting styles to ensure consistency and mutual understanding.

Managing Emotional Reactions:

  • Avoid taking your stepchild’s reactions personally as a step parent.
  • Recognise that their responses may be rooted in deeper emotions, and work on building trust gradually over time.
  • Keep open lines of communication with your partner to discuss any feelings or insecurities that may arise.

Finding Joy in Step Parenting:

  • Despite the obstacles, being a stepparent can be deeply rewarding.
  • Treasure the opportunity to form unique and loving bonds with your step children.
  • Focus on becoming a positive influence and building meaningful, lasting relationships.

Blending a family is a complex journey that involves navigating the challenges of co-parenting and step parenting, which can sometimes strain second marriages. With patience, time, and realistic expectations, it is possible to build a harmonious and fulfilling family life. Key strategies include maintaining regular communication with the biological parent, being intentional in your role, and carefully managing discipline. Family therapy can also provide essential support during challenging times.

Through perseverance, resilience, and commitment, a joyful and connected blended family life is achievable, where deep and meaningful relationships can thrive.

Read more articles by Karen Omand.

About Karen Omand BASoc BAThan CT

Karen Omand, holding degrees in sociology and thanatology, specialises in guiding individuals through grief, drawing from her own experiences of high-conflict divorce, parental loss, and abusive marriage. Focusing on the often-overlooked realm of grief in divorce, she co-founded the Divorceworkshop in 2021 with Kirk Mosna, aiming to empower those on the divorce journey. As a certified Grief Counsellor and Divorce Specialist, Karen advocates for greater awareness of grief in divorce, aiding both recovery and pre-decision detachment. She is the co-author of The Divorce Workbook, coming out this summer.

Alongside Kirk, she assists individuals in informed decision-making, proactive preparation, and strategic planning for healing and recovery. Her story of resilience and empathy inspires others to navigate divorce with courage. Connect with Karen on  Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn check her website Divorceworkshop.ca, or sign up for the Divorceworkshop’s newsletter.

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Breaking Down Divorce: Answering the UK's Top Google Searches
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Breaking Down Divorce: Answering the UK’s Top Google Searches

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Lauren Laverick
Lauren Laverick
Solicitor
Beecham Peacock Solicitors

Divorces are an intimidating legal process to those who aren’t in the know – after all, who entering a marriage considers the possibility that so many dread? This leaves many partners feeling blindsided, overwhelmed and turning to the internet for quick answers.

Compared to July 2023, Google searches for “cheap divorce lawyers near me” have risen by 200%. The problem many find themselves in is that the internet can provide inaccurate information, but many solicitors charge for initial consultation calls, and so the costly divorce process begins before new singles can come to terms with their situation.

We have turned to Newcastle family law specialists Beecham Peacock Solicitors for their answers to the UK’s most-searched divorce questions, using Google search data to collate the queries and trusted solicitors to answer them accurately.

How much does a divorce cost?

“There are several factors that can affect how much a divorce costs, mainly depending on whether the divorce sees the inside of a courtroom or if the couple opts for a no-fault divorce,” Beecham Peacock divorce solicitor, Lauren Laverick, explains. “If couples do agree to a more amicable no-fault divorce, the costs will typically comprise of legal advice, drafting divorce petitions and the handling of necessary paperwork. The standard fee when applying for a no-fault divorce is £593 before additional solicitor charges, which will vary depending on your solicitor and case.”

How to get a divorce.

“To start the legal process of filing for a divorce, you first have to check that your marriage meets the minimum criteria: you must have been married for one year, your marriage must be recognised in the UK and either you or your spouse must be living in England or Wales, as separate rules affect Scotland,” Lauren explains. “Thanks to the no-fault divorce system, neither party has to accept any wrongdoing for the breakdown of the marriage.

“Next, you must apply for a divorce application, which can be done by post or through the UK government’s website. This application will ask for personal details relating to the circumstances of the divorce, including children and financial arrangements,” Lauren continues. “This form can be completed by yourself or a hired solicitor. Once accepted, a copy will be sent to your spouse, who must acknowledge receipt of the letter and confirm that they agree.

“If your spouse agrees, the rest of the process comes down to sorting legal documents which can be arranged by your solicitor. If your spouse disagrees, based on grounds of finances or child custody, then these issues must be resolved,” Lauren says. “This is where you can lean on your solicitor to guide you through an amicable compromise, negotiating with your spouse through mediation, collaborative law processes, or if the disagreement cannot be settled, a more costly court hearing.

“Your solicitor will be crucial during this process if it comes to it – they will have your best interests at heart and protect your rights in the divorce process,” Lauren adds. “Once an agreement is made, you’ll apply for a conditional order, the first of two decrees needed to finalise the process. This informs the court that the divorce can proceed based on the information you’ve given. Then, if the court is satisfied, they will issue a certificate allowing you to apply for the final order.

Around six weeks from the completion of the first order, you can apply for the final order – legally ending the marriage. Once this is accepted, you are officially divorced.”

How long does a divorce take?

“The length of the divorce depends on the complexity of the case, mainly dictated by disagreements between you and your spouse in accepting the initial application,” Lauren says. “The average time to complete a divorce procedure is seven months, but this process will rely heavily on a solicitor processing forms swiftly and finding resolutions between disagreements if they arise, which could extend the time it takes to finalise the divorce.”

How many marriages end in divorce?

“The most recent statistics from the Office of National Statistics showed just over 80,000 divorces in 2022. We can work out from this data that 34.2% of marriages, on average, end in divorce,” Lauren says. “That’s lower than the often-heard claim, ‘half of marriages end in divorce’, but it still leaves many disappointed, stressed and emotionally struggling singles who never imagined they’d be in this position,” Lauren continues.

“It’s the lowest number of divorces there’s been since 1972, however. Hopefully this trend continues and there will be more happy couples as the years go on.”

How much does a divorce cost if both parties agree?

“If both parties agree to the divorce and to the terms, then we can assume this question relates to couples who have filed for a no-fault divorce and agree completely on the nuances of the divorce procedure – including details of finance considerations and child custody arrangements with no amendments,” Lauren continues.

“In this instance, the divorce will be completed as quickly as possible and with no court fees. This means that the average cost of an uncontested divorce will range from £600–£2,000, including the £593 government application form. The range of payment will therefore depend on how much your solicitor charges to process the divorce,” Lauren explains.

“This is why it is important to explore your options when searching for a solicitor, finding a balance between someone who you know will represent your interests well and who is also within your desired budget. As with most things, paying someone who can do the job right the first time may actually save you money compared to someone who can do it cheaply but inefficiently.”

Are you currently at the beginning stages of filing for divorce? If so, we hope your process goes as swiftly and as painlessly as possible.

Read more articles by Beecham Peacock Solicitors.

About Beecham Peacock

Established in 1953, Beecham Peacock is one of the North East’s leading law firms with a wealth of experience in a myriad of different legal fields. Its team of expert solicitors includes specialists in wills, trusts and probate, personal injury, family law and employment law. The firm also offers a wide range of other legal services.

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How to Know If It’s the Right Time for a Divorce
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How to Know If It’s the Right Time for a Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Deciding to end a marriage is one of life’s most challenging decisions. While there’s no universal “right time” for divorce – certain signs may indicate it’s time to consider this option. In this article we will explore key indicators and important considerations when contemplating divorce.

Signs Your Marriage May Be in Trouble

Persistent unhappiness is often the first sign that a marriage is in trouble. If you’ve been consistently unhappy for an extended period, despite efforts to improve the relationship – it may be time to reassess your marriage.

This feeling often goes hand-in-hand with a breakdown in communication. When attempts at meaningful dialogue consistently fail or lead to arguments – it can signal a fundamental issue in the relationship.

Infidelity is another major factor that can lead to divorce. Repeated unfaithfulness or an inability to rebuild trust after infidelity can be deal-breakers for many couples. Even more serious is the presence of abuse in a relationship. Physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, like financial control, should never be tolerated and is a clear sign to seek help and consider leaving.

Sometimes, couples find themselves growing apart due to diverging values or goals. If you and your spouse have fundamentally different life aspirations or core values that can’t be reconciled, it may lead to irreconcilable differences.

Red Flags That Shouldn’t Be Ignored

A complete loss of intimacy, both physical and emotional – can indicate a deep disconnect between partners. This lack of closeness often signals that the relationship has moved from a romantic partnership to a mere cohabitation arrangement.

Addiction issues can also strain a relationship beyond repair. Untreated substance abuse or other addictive behaviours not only affect the individual but can have devastating effects on the entire family unit.

Financial problems, particularly financial infidelity or constant money stress – can erode trust and stability in a marriage. Persistent financial dishonesty or unresolvable conflicts over money management often lead couples to consider divorce.

Some couples stay together solely for the sake of their children. While considering children’s well-being is crucial – remaining in a dysfunctional marriage may not be in their best interest long-term. Children are perceptive and can often sense tension and unhappiness between their parents.

If you’ve exhausted all options – tried counselling, communication strategies, and other interventions without success – it might be time to consider separation or divorce.

Important Considerations Before Deciding

Before making a final decision about divorce, it’s crucial to seek professional help. Engage in marriage counselling to explore all possibilities for reconciliation. A trained therapist can provide valuable insights and tools to help you navigate your relationship challenges.

Consider a trial separation. A period of living apart can provide perspective and clarity on the relationship. It allows both partners to experience life without the other and can sometimes rekindle appreciation for the marriage or confirm that separation is the right choice.

Consulting a divorce solicitor is also an important step. Understanding the legal implications and potential outcomes of a divorce can help you make a more informed decision. A solicitor can explain your rights, potential financial impacts, and issues related to child custody if applicable.

Lastly, take time for self-reflection. Consider your own needs, well-being, and future goals. Think about what you want your life to look like in the coming years and whether your current relationship aligns with those aspirations.

Final Thoughts

The decision to divorce is deeply personal and should never be made hastily. If you’re consistently feeling that your marriage is beyond repair and is causing more harm than good – it may be time to seriously consider your options.

Remember, seeking professional guidance can help you navigate this difficult decision and its aftermath.

Whatever you decide, prioritise your well-being and that of any children involved. There’s no shame in ending a relationship that no longer serves you – just as there’s value in fighting for a marriage that still has the potential for happiness and growth.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage breakdown.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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Understanding Stepparent Rights
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Understanding Stepparent Rights

Published on

In modern families, it’s common for individuals to enter new relationships and create blended households. This often involves stepparents playing significant roles in the lives of their partner’s children. While this can create a stable and loving environment for the child, it raises important questions about the rights stepparents have. Understanding these rights is crucial for anyone in this role.

Parental Responsibility and Stepparents

Despite the deep involvement stepparents may have in their stepchildren’s lives, they do not automatically gain parental responsibility. Parental responsibility encompasses all the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities, and authority a parent legally has concerning their child and their property. Without this legal status, a stepparent cannot make critical decisions for their stepchildren.

For example, if a child in a stepparent’s care requires urgent medical treatment, the stepparent cannot provide consent unless they have parental responsibility. This responsibility typically lies with the natural parents.

Acquiring Parental Responsibility

Stepparents can obtain parental responsibility, but it requires a formal agreement or court order. This process is similar to how unmarried fathers acquire parental responsibility. The agreement must be signed by all individuals who currently hold parental responsibility for the child, usually the natural parents.

Once a stepparent has parental responsibility, they are granted the same rights and duties as a natural parent. This means they can make decisions regarding the child’s education, medical care, and general welfare.

Stepparents and Divorce

The relationship between a stepparent and stepchild can be profoundly significant, and it often benefits the child to maintain this bond even if the stepparent and natural parent divorce. Stepparents may wish to continue their relationship with stepchildren post-divorce. If mutual arrangements cannot be agreed upon, stepparents can apply to the court for a child arrangements order, which outlines when and how they can spend time with their stepchildren.

However, it is important to note that a stepparent cannot acquire parental responsibility once they are divorced from the child’s natural parent.

Financial Obligations

In some cases, stepparents might have ongoing financial responsibilities towards their stepchildren after a divorce. The court might consider the needs of stepchildren when determining financial settlements. This ensures that the child’s welfare is considered in the division of assets and any spousal support arrangements.

Seeking Legal Advice

Navigating the complexities of stepparent rights requires expert guidance. Family law solicitors can provide valuable advice tailored to your specific circumstances, ensuring that both your rights and the child’s best interests are protected.

For personalised legal advice, contact Woolley & Co, family lawyers, at 0800 321 3832 to arrange a telephone appointment with one of our family law experts. You can also visit www.family-lawfirm.co.uk for more information.

Conclusion

Understanding your rights as a stepparent is essential for ensuring you can effectively support and care for your stepchildren. Whether it’s about acquiring parental responsibility, maintaining relationships post-divorce, or understanding financial obligations, being informed and seeking legal advice can make a significant difference in navigating your role within a blended family.

Read more articles by Woolley & Co Solicitors.

About Michelle Brammer

Michelle is a specialist divorce and family lawyer based in Melbourne near Derby. Over the last twenty years working in the East Midlands and Staffordshire she has built an excellent reputation acting for people from all walks of life – from homebuilders and homemakers, to farmers, politicians, business owners and CEOs.

Michelle is named as a Recommended Lawyer for Family Law in Legal 500 2020 and is also a Ranked Lawyer in Chambers and Partners where one client enthused to researchers: “She demonstrated a depth of knowledge in her field that only experience and an unwavering passion for her profession can bring. She remained efficient, professional and pragmatic at all times and instilled a confidence that she had my best interests at heart in all negotiations she engaged in.”

Michelle qualified as a Legal Executive in October 1997 and joined Woolley & Co from a Staffordshire law firm in July 2016.

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A Guide for Parents - Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce
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A Guide for Parents – Devising a Co-Parenting Plan Before Getting a Divorce

Published on
Chris Sweetman
Chris Sweetman
Editor at The Divorce Magazine
Director at Fair Result

Going through a divorce can be emotionally and logistically challenging, especially for parents with children. While the decision to end a marriage may be difficult, it’s crucial to prioritise the well-being of the children throughout the process. One of the most important steps in this regard is devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising the divorce.

A well-crafted co-parenting plan not only sets the tone for a healthy co-parenting relationship post-divorce but also ensures that both parents remain actively involved in their children’s lives. It provides a framework for effective communication, decision-making, and conflict resolution, ultimately minimising the impact of the divorce on the children.

By establishing clear guidelines and expectations from the outset, parents can foster a cooperative and supportive environment for their children, helping them navigate this transitional period with greater ease and stability.

Understanding the Concept of Co-Parenting

Co-parenting refers to the process of raising children collaboratively after a separation or divorce. It involves both parents actively participating in decision-making, sharing responsibilities, and maintaining a healthy relationship for the well-being of their children.

Successful co-parenting requires a commitment to putting aside personal differences and focusing on the children’s best interests. Key principles of effective co-parenting include:

  • Open and respectful communication
  • Consistency in parenting styles and rules
  • Flexibility and compromise
  • Avoiding conflict in front of the children
  • Maintaining a united front when addressing children’s needs and concerns

While co-parenting can be challenging, especially in the aftermath of a divorce, both parents need to work together and prioritise their children’s emotional and developmental needs. This often involves setting aside personal grievances and cultivating a cooperative and supportive dynamic.

Establishing a Parenting Schedule

One of the most crucial components of a co-parenting plan is establishing a fair and consistent parenting schedule. This schedule should outline the custody arrangements and visitation schedules, ensuring that both parents have ample time to be actively involved in their children’s lives.

When determining custody arrangements, parents can choose from various options, including:

  • Joint custody: Both parents share legal custody and decision-making responsibilities for the children.
  • Sole custody: One parent has primary legal and physical custody, while the other parent has visitation rights.
  • Shared physical custody: Children spend a significant amount of time living with each parent.

The parenting schedule should consider factors such as work schedules, children’s extracurricular activities, and living arrangements. It’s essential to create a schedule that minimises disruptions to the children’s routines and provides stability.

To ensure a smooth transition, the schedule should clearly outline the pickup and drop-off times, as well as any special arrangements for holidays, vacations, and other important events.

Handling Decisions Related to Children

In addition to establishing a parenting schedule, a co-parenting plan should outline how major decisions concerning the children will be made. These decisions may include matters related to education, healthcare, religion, and extracurricular activities.

It’s crucial to establish clear guidelines for communication and conflict resolution when making these decisions. Parents should agree on a process for discussing and resolving any disagreements that may arise, such as seeking the assistance of a mediator or counsellor if necessary.

The co-parenting plan should also address potential changes in circumstances, such as relocation, remarriage, or adjustments in financial situations. Having a framework in place for addressing these changes can help minimise conflicts and ensure that the children’s best interests remain the top priority.

Managing Finances and Child Support

Financial considerations are an essential part of a co-parenting plan, particularly when it comes to child support and shared expenses for the children’s needs.

The plan should clearly outline the child support obligations and payment arrangements – taking into account factors such as each parent’s income, the number of children, and any relevant legal guidelines or agreements.

In addition to child support, the co-parenting plan should address how expenses related to the children’s needs, such as clothing, extracurricular activities, educational costs, and medical expenses, will be divided between the parents. Establishing a fair and equitable system for sharing these costs can help prevent future conflicts and ensure that the children’s needs are met.

It’s also important to review any potential tax implications and benefits related to child support and shared expenses. Consulting with financial advisors or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance in navigating around financial assets.

Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

While co-parenting requires open communication and cooperation, it’s equally important to maintain healthy boundaries between the former spouses. The co-parenting plan should establish clear guidelines for interactions and communication, ensuring that each parent respects the other’s personal space and privacy.

One critical aspect is avoiding exposing children to parental conflicts or using them as messengers or go-betweens. Children should not be burdened with adult issues or placed in the middle of disagreements between their parents.

It’s also important to respect each other’s personal lives and relationships. The co-parenting plan should outline boundaries regarding introductions to new partners, attending events together, and maintaining appropriate behaviour in front of the children.

By establishing and adhering to these boundaries, parents can create a more harmonious and supportive environment for their children, minimising the potential for further emotional turmoil or confusion.

Involving Children in the Process

While devising a co-parenting plan, it’s essential to involve the children in an age-appropriate manner. This not only helps them understand the changes occurring in their family dynamic but also provides an opportunity for them to voice their concerns and fears.

Open communication with children is crucial throughout the process. Parents should strive to explain the situation in a clear and reassuring manner, emphasising that the divorce is not their fault and that both parents will continue to love and support them.

Depending on the children’s ages, parents can consider involving them in discussions about certain aspects of the co-parenting plan, such as visitation schedules or living arrangements. This can help children feel heard and respected – ultimately easing their transition into the new family dynamic.

It’s also important to encourage children to express their feelings and concerns openly. Parents should be prepared to actively listen and address any worries or questions that may arise, seeking professional counselling if necessary.

By involving children in the process and fostering open communication, parents can help mitigate the potential emotional and psychological impacts of divorce – promoting a smoother transition for the entire family.

Final Thoughts

Devising a comprehensive co-parenting plan before finalising a divorce is essential for parents committed to prioritising the well-being of their children. By establishing clear guidelines for custody arrangements, decision-making processes, financial responsibilities, and communication, parents can create a supportive and stable environment for their children during this transitional period.

While co-parenting can be challenging, it is vital for both parents to put aside personal differences and cultivate a cooperative dynamic. Seeking professional assistance from mediators, counsellors, or legal professionals can provide valuable guidance and support throughout the process.

Ultimately, a well-crafted co-parenting plan serves as a foundation for a healthy and nurturing relationship between parents and children, helping to minimise the potential negative impacts of divorce and fostering a more positive and harmonious future for the entire family.

Read more articles by Chris Sweetman.

About Chris Sweetman

Chris Sweetman is an independent family solicitor and director of Fair Result – An award-winning law office who pride themselves on using innovative ways to help clients through the stress and complications of a marriage break down.

Chris can be contacted on 07500933818 or via email chris@fair-result.co.uk.

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Separated Parents: Taking a Child on Holiday / Abroad
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Separated Parents: Taking a Child on Holiday / Abroad

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

With lighter evenings and (slightly) warmer weather, Spring is that time of year when parents realise the school summer holidays are not too far off and are busy making family plans for the summer holidays.

We are often asked to advise separated parents about the rules on taking their child/children abroad and whether they require permission to do so.

The rules are clear.  A parent must get the permission of everyone with parental responsibility for a child before taking the child abroad.  If this is not possible, permission will have to be sought from the Court.

The only exception to this rule is where there is already a Court Order (Child Arrangements Order) in place.  In this case, if the Court Order states that the child will “live with” a nominated parent, that parent can take the child abroad for 28 days without getting permission from the non-resident parent.

The word ‘abroad’ relates to any country other than England and Wales, so permission must be sought to travel with a child to Scotland or Northern Ireland.

Taking a child abroad without permission of the other person with Parental responsibility or without a court order is child abduction.

Who has Parental Responsibility?

A mother automatically has parental responsibility for her child from birth.

A father usually has parental responsibility if he is married to the child’s mother or listed on the birth certificate.

Same-sex partners will both have parental responsibility if they were civil partners at the time of the treatment, such as donor insemination or fertility treatment.

Why is it so important to get permission of the other parent?

At a UK or foreign border, an adult travelling with a child might be asked for evidence of permission to travel with the child.

A letter from the other person with parental responsibility for the child is usually enough to evidence the permission. The letter should include the other parent’s contact details and confirmation that they know about and agree to the trip.

It also may help at the border if the parent takes with them evidence of their relationship with the child, such as a birth or adoption certificate, or a divorce or marriage certificate, particularly if the adult’s  surname is different from the child’s.

Before travel it is advisable to check the entry requirements for the country to ensure all the required documentation in place.  Depending on the country there may also be differing age limits/rules for when a person is considered to be a child.

How do you get permission from a Court?

If permission cannot be obtained from the other person with parental responsibility to take the child abroad, the parent seeking to take the child abroad will need to apply to the Family Court for a Court Order.

If a parent is refusing to grant permission they will need to have a good reason as to why. The Court is more likely to grant permission if travel is to a safe country and the travel is going to benefit the child.

If a Court application is required it is important to allow plenty of time (ideally at least 3 months) so there is sufficient time for the Court to deal with the issue.

This article is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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How Do I Maintain Contact with My Grandchildren When Their Parents Separate?
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How Do I Maintain Contact with My Grandchildren When Their Parents Separate?

Published on
Emma Alfieri
Emma Alfieri
Legal Director
Greene & Greene Solicitors

Many grandparents whose adult children separate from their spouses or partners suffer anguish, distress and loss when, through no fault of their own, they lose precious time with their grandchild(ren).

During their adult children’s separation, grandparents, can find themselves relying upon their son or daughter to arrange a time to see the grandchild(ren).  Additionally, if their relationship with their son or daughter is estranged, they may not see them at all.

Arranging visitation with the grandchild(ren)

The best option in this scenario is to try to negotiate with the parent in dispute, emphasising the importance of their role in their grandchildren’s lives. If discussions breakdown, grandparents should consider Mediation. This is a process where they and the children’s parents meet with a trained Mediator to discuss their role in their grandchildren’s lives and to work towards a routine of spending time with their grandchildren.

If negotiations and Mediation have not resulted in an amicable agreement being reached, the grandparents could make an application to the Court.  However, due to the fact grandparents do not have automatic legal rights to spend time with their grandchildren they must first apply for “leave” or permission from a Judge to apply to the Court.

The application for contact will only be considered by a Judge when both parents’ views upon the grandparents seeing the grandchild(ren) have been fully investigated.  In some circumstances a Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) officer may be asked to provide a report to the Court.

Once the Judge has the views of both parents, possibly a Cafcass Report, the wishes and feelings of the child(ren) and has considered what they believe is in the child(ren)’s best interests, an Order for contact with the child(ren) may (or may not) be made.

In conclusion, informal agreements directly with the parents are the best option for grandparents. If not successful, then Mediation must be attempted before any Court Application is issued and Court Applications should be a last resort.

This article is only intended to be a summary and not specific legal advice.

Read more articles by Emma Alfieri.

About Emma Alfieri

Emma Alfieri is a Legal Director at Suffolk firm Greene & Greene Solicitors.

Emma advises on all aspects of family law, including divorce and associated financial matters, disputes between cohabitants and child related disputes.

A member of Resolution, Emma is committed to resolving disputes as positively and agreeably as possible whilst also being motivated to obtain the best possible outcome for her clients.

Since 2012 Emma has been consistently recommended by the Legal 500 on an annual basis and in the most recent 2024 edition Emma is ranked as a “rising star”.

As an advocate of fault free divorce, Emma lobbied at Parliament with other members of Resolution in 2016 to bring about the recent changes to divorce law.

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The Co-Parenting Method that is Reconnecting Parents with Withdrawn Children
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The Co-Parenting Method that is Reconnecting Parents with Withdrawn Kids

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Johanna Lynn
Johanna Lynn
Founder
The Family Imprint Institute

After your divorce, you can be feeling unsettled one day and a bit more yourself the next.  Your family landscape looks completely different. You are still finding your ground again, emotionally, financially and mentally. On top of it all, you’re not sure how to bridge the growing gap this separation has placed between you and your children.

The truth is children are not yet able to hold on to two attachments they experience as incompatible. This can look like the child accepts one parent and disconnects from the other. A lot of this has to do with the child’s attachment brain no longer experiencing the parents as physically united.

During your separation, the attachment brain of your child may be connected to the other parent. Of course, this is painful and it’s essential to understand the inner conflict of the child and try to not feel personally hurt (or triumphantly confirmed, if you ended up as the “good” parent).

Whenever you can share good stories that are about good common experiences this supports your child. Giving your children the message:

“Our family is different now and this is sad for you. And there were many beautiful things in our history as a family, and your Dad/your Mom loves you and is lovable.”

Remember the importance of the message:

“Dad and Mom will always agree about how much we love you.”

Ask your friends and relatives to keep this message strong instead of rumbling about your ex. Be aware that little ears easily overhear and then make their own conclusions about what they’ve heard you say.

You are more mature, hold on to your kids despite their temporary rejection. 

You may feel your child has taken your ex-partner’s side, and this will require you all your love to handle this situation. It can be helpful to remind yourself that your child’s hostile behaviour is not a conscious decision, but an emergency measure of the young brain to handle an emotional overload that feels too much to bear.

Acknowledge how challenging it might be for your child to be in two different homes as they settle into this new dynamic. Bedtime can be a great time to bring in a sense of understanding.

“Oh, you are missing Mom/Dad right now, aren’t you? Tell me, which book is he/she reading to you right now? Oh, this is a wonderful story!”

When your child starts telling happily about the great time they are having with the other parent, listen and encourage the love they are expressing.

Let them FEEL what’s real for them.

Your children will find their own balance and settle into the new normal if they feel they can cry in your arms instead of bravely swallowing their tears down and pretending to be happy to avoid sad or angry reactions from Mom or Dad.

In the day-to-day, children do not directly express their sadness about the separation, but about small frustrations of everyday life. Use every opportunity to comfort and encourage the signs of grief in the child, even if the reason seems unrelated to you.

There are circumstances when your child does not want to see you or hangs up when you phone or does not answer your text messages and emails. Many parents feel rejected and stop reaching out and trying to restore their connection.

Yet the response that will repair this relationship over time is to hold the bigger picture and understand what this is really about – your child feeling overwhelmed and caught in the tension of the separation.

Keep reaching out without expectation, stay friendly, send thoughtful gestures, and signal dependability. Your child is much more in need of your responsible caretaking than might be obvious right now.

It’s really important not to share your emotions with your child, don’t make them responsible for your feelings. Saying things like “I will be very sad if you do not want to come.” will have them move away from the feelings of guilt or responsibility statements like that impose.

Focus your time together on what your child really enjoys doing. Healthy attachment is best supported by sharing time together. If possible, spend time with each of your children alone to deepen the connection individually.

But my ex isn’t doing any of this …

This might be what points to some of the reasons you broke up. Yet, despite the fact of how “impossible” your ex is behaving: they are your child’s other parent, and your child loves their parent. Our children do best when they feel free to love both of their parents.

You can hang a photograph of the other parent in your child’s room, and talk as friendly as possible about the other parent. If you can do this for your child, there is at least one parent who is supporting love to flow.

Divorce is hard. Co-parenting when you are trying to work together from a place of pain can be exhausting. AND you want what is best for your children.

About  Johanna Lynn

Johanna Lynn is the founder of The Family Imprint Institute with over 20 years of experience. She specialises in supporting individuals navigating divorce, helping them uncover the root causes behind their separation. Johanna uses innovative mind-body techniques to illuminate how family dynamics influence relationships, providing clients with deep insights, clarity and healing.

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Child Arrangement Orders: All You Need to Know
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Child Arrangement Orders: All You Need to Know

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Anthony Parrish
Anthony Parrish
Partner
Jones Myers

Child Arrangement Orders are a vital framework for promoting the well-being of children involved in relationship breakdown.

They are particularly important during emotionally challenging times such as separation or divorce, when relationships may be strained. This article shares some key insights on their role in divorce and separation.

What is a Child Arrangement Order?

A Child Arrangement Order is a legally binding order made by a court to establish who a child should live with and the amount of time they should spend with the non-resident parent or other family members, most notably grandparents.

If you are a parent, you can seek a Child Arrangement Order through the Court. Grandparents can also apply for such an order but firstly require the Court’s permission to do so. Such orders are commonly sought in cases where the parents have separated or when obstacles arise that prevent grandparents from having access to their grandchildren.

Why do I need a Child Arrangement Order?

There are numerous situations that may lead you to consider applying to the court for a Child Arrangement Order. They range from the need to establish specific arrangements for your child’s daily life to resolving disputes related to school holidays.

It’s important to recognise that each case is family specific, and seeking guidance from a specialist firm such as Jones Myers is strongly recommended to receive appropriate advice tailored to your specific circumstances.

What will a court consider when making a Child Arrangement Order?

When parties are unable to reach a mutual agreement, the court takes several factors into account which include the child’s best interests and considerations such as the child’s wishes and feelings, particularly when they are older. The court also evaluates the child’s physical, emotional, and educational requirements, as well as the potential impact of any substantial changes in their circumstances.

Additional factors taken into consideration include the child’s age, any known instances of harm or potential risks to the child themselves and the respective abilities of each parent to meet the child’s needs. These elements collectively shape the court’s decision-making process with the ultimate goal of safeguarding the child’s well-being.

Read more articles by Anthony Parrish and Jones Myers.

About Anthony Parrish

Anthony Parrish’s extensive experience in family law spans over two decades, during which time he has developed specialisms in matters relating to children law.

A member of Jones Myers internationally renowned Children’s Department, he deals with issues relating to children, teenagers, parents (including those represented through their official solicitor) and local authorities.

His expertise also encompasses international child abduction cases and same sex relationship issues.

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What is Parental Alienation & How to Spot the Signs
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What Is Parental Alienation and How to Spot the Signs

Published on
Kate Banerjee
Kate Banerjee
Partner
Jones Myers Family Law Solicitors

Parental alienation is a particular family dynamic that can emerge when parents separate, in which the child becomes hostile and rejects the other parent.

It  can occur when one parent or carer expresses freely and persistently unreasonable negative feelings or beliefs such as anger or fear towards the other parent.

Such toxic behaviour is often disruptive to the child’s actual experience with that parent and can cause widespread, long-lasting damage to relationships between children and parents.

Parental alienation is a contentious term, many in the legal world are reluctant to use the term parental alienation because of its contentious background. Whatever the view of this contentious pattern of behaviour, parental alienation by its ordinary meaning is often an accurate description of the action of a parent either  consciously or  unconsciously.

Our Children’s Department – which always puts children’s best interests first – has witnessed the detrimental effects of this damaging pattern of behaviour on children and parents who are at the receiving end.

Parental Alienation Day, which took place on April 25, has been raising global awareness of the issue which affects millions of parents and children worldwide and can lead to a gradual corrosion of relationships.

What are the signs of parental alienation?

  1. When a parent forbids or tries to restrict their children from seeing the estranged parent
  2. When a parent tries to convince their children that they would be better off not seeing the estranged parent
  3. When a parent prevents their children from talking about their estranged parent
  4. When a parent constantly criticises the estranged parent in front of their children
  5. When a parent makes up and relays negative actions/stories about the estranged parent to their children
  6. When a parent implies to their children that the estranged parent does not care for them

Time and opportunity are often lost and further damage can be  done to a relationship between the parent and a child if action isn’t taken.

How parents can manage and try to avoid alienating behaviour

We urge parents everywhere to set aside their frustrations and resentment to always make their children’s wellbeing a priority – no matter how acrimonious their relationship breakdown has been.

They can do this in the following ways:

  1. Think before you act about how your behaviour is affecting your children
  2. Make your children’s present and future emotional and physical a priority at all times
  3. Always remember that children of all ages, particularly teenagers, are vulnerable to emotional manipulation
  4. Avoid criticising your ex-partner in front of them and tell them how much both parents love them
  5. Never encourage your children to take your side against your ex-partner
  6. Take an interest in what your children do with your ex-partner
  7. Set up a parenting plan with your ex-partner to ensure effective communication and planning

If you, your ex-partner or your children are struggling with the separation, we advise seeking expert advice, in some cases fast action is necessary to avoid seriously harmful outcomes for children.

Read more articles by Jones Myers.

About Kate Banerjee

A widely recognised leader in Children Law, Kate Banerjee heads Jones Myers nationally and internationally renowned Children’s Department. She is highly experienced in cases which include contact and residence disputes and child protection law.

Kate also has extensive expertise in international child abduction cases and is a Member of the International Child Abduction and Custody Unit. She is also a Member of the Child Care Panel representing parents, guardians, Local Authorities, and children.

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