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life after divorce for men

Men Dealing with Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Several men stated that post-divorce is the opportunity for change and be can be the catalyst for trying something new.

They said when their divorced friends clung to the past they did not fare as well in the post-divorce period.  The past cannot be altered, but knowledge gained can be invaluable for moving on.

Terry was adamant that men have to do work on themselves after a bad break up before getting into a new relationship.

His buddies that got divorce number two did not pause to reflect upon their part which ended the marriage and what could be done differently the next time around.

He advises men not to rush into a new partnership too quickly and make sure they understand how to communicate more effectively. He had a session with a therapist and has been blissfully wedded to his second wife for fifteen years.

One man feels that he got a divorce too quickly and could have worked out differences with his wife.

He tells other men not to be in a rush for a divorce when hitting a bad patch during marriage. They did not have marital counselling which may have gotten their relationship back on track. He has a job which involves frequent travel and he misses his two young daughters.

He jumped into a new relationship right away and has doubts about being with this new girlfriend. This “what if” situation is keeping him in a holding pattern and he is not moving on. Be clear that a relationship is truly over before getting into another one.

Some men commented that some of their divorced peers were living on junk food. Dr Kawachi of the Harvard School of Public Health’s study of 30,000 men indicated this result.

Men Dealing with Divorce
Men Dealing with Divorce: Research shows a decrease in a healthy lifestyle.

Recently divorced men tended to have a decrease in a healthy lifestyle, partly due to eating less vegetables and consuming more fried food. Although this is changing, in many households, women were the main chefs during marriage. In the States, there is a trend for single men to take some basic cooking classes which then negates this issue of divorce.

The New England Research Institute’s research indicates that 62% of men relied on their wives as their principle social support. Studies by various universities correlate having friends and a good social network positively impacts the immune system in reducing the frequency of colds and the flu.

Others show the healthy effect of a wide social circle on longevity. For example, a study done at Flinders’ University in Australia found that 22% of 1500 older subjects who had many friends, outlived those who only had a few. Men that get out and meet new people or strengthen the bond already made with others, tend to have an easier time post-divorce, than their less connected peers.

Men that have routines felt that they had more control in their lives or knew what to expect in the turbulent divorce period. Some have specific routines with their children, such as a Saturday morning breakfast out or Sunday afternoon engaging in physical activities or sports. Some take the kids or go solo to their parents’ place for a weekly get-together. Others set up weekly meets at the pub with mates for darts. Building weekly fun or interactions into the schedule got some guys through the craziness of divorce.

Consider watching the hilarious film “The Odd Couple” with Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau. These two fellows navigate the post-divorce period with a lot of laughs and some mistakes. Great fun.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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When to divorce

When to Divorce?

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Some people have said that they waited too long before divorcing, but I have yet to hear someone say they jumped the gun and initiated one too soon.

There are many factors involved in determining if and when a divorce ought to commence.  A main one seems to be regarding children and their ages.

One man felt that he stayed seven years too long in his marriage, choosing to wait until the last child went off to uni. He stated that the love was gone and the marriage was dead – however he stayed because he wanted to see his kids every day.

In hindsight, he thinks it harmed his sons witnessing coldness and disinterest between a married couple.

Another stayed in an unhappy marriage since her husband was their sons’ Boy Scout troop leader. She thought the boys would feel more secure with both parents in the home. Eight years post-divorce her sons are still asking what took her so long to file for divorce.

When to Divorce

For those on the fence about whether to stay or go, The Divorce Magazine UK has a link to various resources that are invaluable in the pre-divorce period too.

Maypole Women has resources as well for women and children in a potential divorce situation. Relate and Retrouvaille do marital counselling to see if the relationship can be repaired.

There are instances when a line is crossed and one spouse chooses to exit the marriage quickly. For example, a lad let slip that his father was showing him and his brother internet porn. The woman confronted her husband who denied it, but she said that she was having it investigated. He left her right away and she filed for divorce a week later. No amount of counselling could have changed her opinion to stay in this marriage.

Other times the admission of an affair brings on the death of a marriage. The betrayed spouse may not want to bestow another chance on the guilty party, so proceeds with filing for a divorce.

when to divorce
Wondering when to divorce? Take up a new project gives you a new direction.

When there is abuse – get yourself, the youngsters and pets out of the house. That does not automatically mean a divorce is imminent – just that safety is the top priority. Sometimes with therapy and anger management classes, the abuser can be rehabilitated and the marriage is salvageable.

One criteria for deciding upon divorce is how much inappropriate behaviour is witnessed or directed at the children. When one parent is knocking around the other one – that is detrimental for the kids to see.

It is hard to watch a spouse self-destruct via alcohol or drugs. One may be supportive, but wonder when enough is enough.

Consider getting therapy or joining Al-Anon. “Al-Anon Family Groups provide support to anyone whose life is, or has been, affected by someone else’s drinking, regardless of whether that person is still drinking or not. For some of our members, the wounds still run deep, even if their loved one may no longer be a part of their lives or have died.”

Some people have included in the parenting plan that the impaired parent is not allowed to drive the children anywhere. Visitation can be at a relative’s or at a Children’s Contact Centre.

A couple can drift along in different directions and find themselves without much in common. This can happen when facing an Empty Nest.

What some couples have done was to take up a new project, such as buying a fixer-upper cottage in the UK or abroad. This injected a new vitality, passion and focus to their lives and relationship, plus gave them something to talk about.

Several couples took up a sport or hobby, such as golf. They hit the links at home as well as in exotic locales. Others discovered a shared interest and became certified in scuba diving or volunteered with EarthWatch.

When boundaries are violated or a spouse is disrespectful and belittling, that is I when have seen couples getting divorced. Relationships may limp along until one or both decide to put it out of its misery with a divorce.

The opposite of love is not hate, but rather it is indifference.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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Children of divorce

Co-Parenting Advice: The Hits and Misses

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A relationship between two parents does not stop after the divorce papers and parenting plan are signed.

Recognize that the co-parenting relationship is a process which evolves into something different in the post-divorce period.

Serena is divorced with two young daughters and thought the relationship with their father would just fall into its own natural rhythm. She assumed that they would naturally know how to communicate and was surprised when this did not happen.

There were triggers that set them each off and she learned to go on and mistakes will happen. What improved communication was ceasing phone calls and doing most of it by text. Texting enabled it to be more impersonal and helped Serena to delete emotion from the content.

Understanding that males and females have different styles of communication, allows Serena to just present facts or a simple request without a long story. One time she wanted the girls returned two hours later, but gave a detailed reason why. Her ex was fine with the request itself, but became embroiled in the reason for it, and they had an argument.

Serena has tips for raising children in two households and being on the same page with their other parent.

Keep kids out of your dating/sex life.

When married, her four year old was the one who broke the news of her husband’s affair (Daddy loves your friend and she loves Daddy).

Post-divorce they agreed to wait at least three months before introducing a new love interest to the children. She was floored when this same child talked about Daddy’s new girlfriend that he met last week and what a great cat and dog she has. Then the father took the youngsters on a camping trip with Amy, a week or so later, during which the adults had some private time in their tent.

co-parenting advice
Co-parenting advice: Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Save sex for when the kids are not right there.

Serena met Amy at her daughters’ school faire. Her ex put his hand down inside Amy’s trousers on her bum, in front of many children. At least at family and school events, Serena suggests having decorum.

School events are a time when both parents want to see their kids. Recognize your comfort zone and whether you want to sit together or not. Serena realized that the girls are happy to have their parents in the audience and their seating arrangement is unimportant.

Decide on the importance of school attendance. Serena got a call from school one day asking why her daughters were not there. Serena is a teacher and became very upset. Her ex had taken the girls camping over a bank holiday which happened to be on his birthday. He did not ask/inform Serena that he was keeping the girls from school for a day.

Have pick up/drop off in a neutral location, such as the kids’ school.

Serena allowed their father to come over on some mornings, fix the girls breakfast and get them off to school when he had visitation. Serena had to be at her school early before her daughters’ classes started, so it seemed like this was a good arrangement.

She was caught in the façade of “happy family” and this delayed getting over her ex and marriage. Her wounds were raw from her ex’s infidelity and seeing him moving around her house made them feel worse.

A clean break would have been the best for moving on.

When Serena instigated the school for the exchanges, it made such a difference for her.

Energetically the house feels 100% hers (previously the marital home), now that her ex no longer comes over there. For shared care, they have a large carrier bag that contains jackets and other items that go between houses. Otherwise, they have clothes at each house.

In the past, Serena and her former spouse got together on holidays with the girls. There was tension between them and friction with each other’s extended families. It helps that Serena is Christian and her ex is Jewish, so there are less compromises to make regarding the religious days.

Her daughters are asking to have more time with their mother and Serena rues that the mediator set up 50/50 shared time. She is going back to the mediator to work with their father to get a schedule with less transitions and more time at her house. Serena is happy that her girls have a close relationship with their father and feels that co-parenting is getting a little easier as time goes by.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Serial Dating after Divorce

Serial Dating after Divorce and You.

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

After divorce, take a breather before dating again.  This especially holds true when one’s spouse had an affair and left them for someone else.

It may be tempting to jump into someone’s arms (or bed) right after a divorce to reaffirm that you are the sexy person you once were pre-marriage.

Resist that temptation. The ego is hurt after an affair and serial dating is not the cure. A one night stand is not the balm to heal the ego, but merely a temporary quick fix.

When Serial Dating after Divorce Happens

Serena’s husband left her for her friend.

It was such a shock to her ego that she wanted instant validation from other men. She was desperate to be reassured that she was sexy and desirable since her husband had been getting sex elsewhere during marriage.

Looking back, Serena said that the men attracted to her were not really available emotionally or by circumstance. She was dating similar men to her husband. None were willing to commit or contemplate being in a long-term relationship.

They were here just for the present and planning more than a week ahead was out of their comfort zone. These fellows (jerks as she now calls them), were repulsed when told that she had two young children. None of these relationships lasted over three months.

Serena thought she was doing better than she actually was – since she felt popular. She had so many short-terms relationships which she equated with popularity. Serena sought validation externally, instead of having it internally since her self-worth had taken a nose dive.

Serial Dating after Divorce
She started an exercise program, continued to meditate and ate more nutritious foods

Dating so many people in a short-time is a distraction (as for Serena) which keeps one from addressing their own issues and work which needs to be done.

This type of distraction keeps the focus on partners and off introspection and what may be uncomfortable in oneself that prevents moving on.

After her husband’s betrayal, Serena did not feel valued and looked to dates to provide this.

Think twice before getting sexually involved with your ex.

Serena had poor boundaries post-divorce and wished she had said goodbye with a clean break – as she had done financially through mediation. She said it was not appropriate to have continued to have sex with her former husband and paid the price for it. It muddied the waters when she started dating again and was trying to move on.

Her ex parted ways with her friend and Serena had difficulty accepting his new girlfriends. Her therapist helped her to see this behaviour was not helpful to either of them.

Reaching out to others and forming new social connections lessened Serena’s need to get validation from dates. As she became more empowered through therapy, Serena no longer sought out validation as she discovered her own self-worth and strengths.

She recommends nurturing yourself, whether it is getting a latte, being in nature or doing other pleasurable pursuits. This self-nurturing is important for moving on and being fulfilled in life.

She started an exercise program, continued to meditate and ate more nutritious foods. When Serena no longer required a relationship to feel valued, she slowed down and took time getting to know people. Once Serena got out of thinking “poor little me”, realized that many others were also suffering and that she was not alone, her life turned around.

Serena is dating a wonderful fellow who loves and appreciates her.

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

 

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coping with infidelity

Coping with Adultery and Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

A spouse’s reaction to suspected infidelity can leave one wondering if they are imagining things after being informed they are misinterpreting a casual friendship.

People may overlook tell-tale signs to keep the status quo, avoid acknowledging adultery and divorce or because they have been put down so many times, making it difficult to differentiate fact from fiction.

In Serena’s case, her philandering spouse put the blame on her, saying she was not trusting him.

Serena had a baby and a toddler and felt as if something was not quite right in her marriage.

Her husband John, was between jobs and Serena thought getting him some paid handyman work would be beneficial.

Her friend was opening a bookshop and required assistance in painting, putting up shelves and so forth. John later told his wife that her friend yelled at him and helping her was not a good experience. He became more distant and pursued activities late into the night, such as “skiing under a full moon” (five nights in a row). She asked if he was seeing someone and he accused her of being too controlling.

Then John asked for a short trip as his birthday present – by himself. He also wanted to take it a month before his birthday over Valentine’s Day weekend.

Being sleep deprived contributed to her not getting to the bottom of this bizarre behaviour.

Two months later John asked “How would you feel if I was interested in someone else? Could we still be married if I slept with her?”

Serena answered “No, that doesn’t work for me.” John said “okay.” Serena said she wondered why she did not take those questions as a clue.

The holy woman from India, Amma G, had been Serena’s spiritual guide for over a decade. Amma G did a blessing for the family and her husband felt badly and came clean. He had watched Serena going down a dark tunnel before this and told her about having an affair with her friend. A shocked Serena thanked her husband for revealing this and said “now I know what I have to do.”

Adultery and Divorce
She called this friend at her shop and said that she would be there soon.

She called this friend at her shop and said that she would be there soon. Her friend was giggly, nervous and refused to make eye contact. Serena told her that she knew about their affair and stated “I need you to leave my family alone. Don’t you ruin our lives.”

Serena learned through this experience to stand up for herself. She also took the high road and did not report the affair to the other woman’s husband.

Serena said that she felt betrayed by them both with this double whammy. The rug was pulled out from under her and she hit rock bottom.

She realized that she could lose her job if she did not get help. She went into survival mode and was not capable of doing all of the necessary daily tasks. Serena did not cook for months and took the kids to Whole Foods five days a week. Her therapist said not to feel bad because Serena was providing nutritious food. Serena said that she “feared so much” and did not want to show that mummy was struggling.

Serena found that having a therapist who gave unconditional support was critical for getting through divorce.

There was a period during the divorce when Serena was clinically depressed, but refused pharmaceuticals. After barely being above water, Serena gave anti-depressants a go and was amazed at the difference in her life. She was so grateful for this major positive change.

This was for short-term and she needed that boost to feel better. At a retreat, Serena went off the medication and still felt great. On her return, Serena called her doctor, who agreed to taper her off these pills.

Serena said that exercise helped her to feel so much better, including stabilizing her emotional state. She felt much depleted, so having good nutrition helped her get back on track.

She eventually started cooking again, especially comfort foods like chicken noodle soup. Having a close circle of friends was supportive, but they did not know what to do or say. Serena learned to make the first move and makes a meal now for friends who are in a trauma.

Serena was getting validation from others who told her that she was looking so much better. The outer world was seeing a composed Serena when internally she thought she was a mess. This enabled her to realize that she really was getting better. Serena said it is like building muscle – you do not notice it at first and then you feel it.

People reflected back to her that she seemed better, which was like building that muscle and she felt the positive change. Meditation was invaluable during this turbulent time even if for only ten minutes. She learned to honour herself and built treats into her schedule.

Two years after Serena confronted her former friend regarding the affair, she had a strong feeling to return. Serena told this woman that she forgave her. She also stated that she is a much stronger woman and her life is better now. Serena felt it was time to get this episode over completely and closed this chapter of her life.

Serena went from being withdrawn and sad to vivacious, and enjoying life.

(There’s an interivew with Dr Bisbey on “Can a marriage survive infidelity?” You can watch it here – after-the-affair)

CLICK HERE FOR MORE ARTICLES BY WENDI SCHULLER

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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Can Couple Counselling Help after an Affair?

Published on

after an affairWe recently had an article by Wayfarer of  Infidelity Help Group  on 10 Steps to Coping with Infidelity and it is from this article that the following post emerges.

There was one point that I needed clarifying – point number 6 “Avoid Marital Therapy” and this was Wayfarer’s response:

Yes, I would actively discourage marital therapy in the immediate aftermath of an affair.

You didn’t cause the affair – so why are you in therapy learning how to ‘prevent’ another one?  The marriage didn’t cause the affair – so how can marital therapy fix it? Poor communication didn’t cause the affair – so how does learning improved communication in marital therapy stop another one from happening?

Marital counselling presupposes that the issues being addressed are ‘couple issues’.

Infidelity is NOT a shared issue – it is owned entirely by the cheater.

Yes, there may have been issues within the marriage, but the affair was caused by the cheater’s internal issues, not any imperfections in the marriage.

If affairs were caused by imperfect marriages and/or spouses, you would both be having affairs!

It’s important to understand that cheating is a mindset of entitlement, self satisfaction and unethical behaviour. Cheaters feel entitled to continue to deceive and manipulate (trickle truth is a common post-affair problem) to preserve their lifestyle despite their behaviour and to avoid any material consequence to their choices.

Marital therapy with a cheater who has not made changes to their world view and personal narrative can essentially teach the cheater what to say and do to keep their faithful spouse firmly in place, hushed up and ‘getting over it’. What it doesn’t do is address the internal non-marital thinking that the cheater employed to give themselves permission to cheat in the first place.

It’s worth nothing that marital therapy is a business that requires dysfunctional relationships in order to survive.

Neither the cheater nor the faithful spouse are encouraged to identify or pursue alternatives to the marital relationship, because the industry requires that fear and convention keep people trying to work though dysfunction.

It is rare for a marital therapist to encourage either party to pursue their personal goals and dreams for themselves if those goals and dreams potentially lead them away from the marriage, and the therapist’s service.

If a cheater requires guidance to help them address their own issues, I would recommend that they seek individual psychotherapy.

The faithful spouse can use this time to observe if there is authentic, clear, and sustained change in the cheater’s fundamental thinking and ethical framework. Only when the cheater has addressed this can there be any meaningful work on the marriage – so marital therapy is an option for much later on in the process.

You asked if it was possible for marital therapy to help in some cases. I would agree that marital therapy can help encourage a Divorce Avoidance Plan.

In our experience, Divorce Avoidance Plans always result in an unfulfilled, miserable, and distrustful faithful spouse who feels that:
  • The cheater hasn’t really changed.  This is because the cheater hasn’t changed at their core because at its core, marital therapy isn’t about the cheater.
  • The cheater hasn’t truly held themselves accountable and hasn’t personally driven marital repair.

Unfortunately, marital therapy seeks to ‘share’ blame and responsibility for repair between the cheater, the marriage, and the faithful spouse. It can be inferred from this and the very suggestion that marital therapy is necessary that the cheater is somewhat relieved of sole accountability for their affair.

For the cheater, post-infidelity marital therapy is externally directed and prescriptive i.e. it is the therapist and the faithful partner who generally drive any ‘recovery’, not the cheater’s inner-directed actions and intent.

We typically see faithful spouses in Divorce Avoidance Plans frustrated and confused, desperate for marital therapy to work. They might limp along in a dissatisfying marriage for years, applying more plasters to the cracks, even when they become chasms. Many hold their fundamental deal breaker as another affair – when the real deal breaker should be the cheater’s lack of change.

Discontinuing marital therapy feels counter-intuitive, I know. Many hope that therapy can keep their marriage together, which it might well do for a time. That hope, fuelled by fear of change and strong emotional ties to the cheater can result in a desperate investment in and commitment to marital therapy.

I want better for you than a Divorce Avoidance Plan – but I also understand that removing marital support exposes the cheater’s real thinking and lack of personal motivation to change – and that’s when things get risky.

I wish you well through this process.

~ Wayfarer

Infidelity Help Group offers free support and education for those whose lives have been affected by infidelity. We are secular advocates of self-esteem, self-worth, personal goals, and self-empowerment.

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should I get divorced
//

Should I get Divorced?

Published on
Soila Sindiyo Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine
Soila Sindiyo
Child Trauma Therapist and Founder of The Divorce Magazine

Should I get divorced?

For those of us who are divorced, it’s very likely that that question escaped your lips at some point or other.

Having been divorced twice and founding The Divorce Magazine, it is not unusual for people to ask me if they should remain in their current relationships or if they should leave and file for a divorce.

My answer is usually the same – it’s not a decision that I nor anyone else can make for you.

Having said this, I believe that you should do everything you can to try and make your marriage or relationship work.  Don’t leave any stone unturned, especially if you have children.

Thinking of couple therapy as a means to reconcile is one way of looking at it but in reality it can work both ways.  It can serve to help you and your partner work things through but it can also help you and/or your partner realise that leaving is what you really want and prepare you for this process.

So, please, before you file for divorce, here are some things that you may want to ask yourself or to consider:

  • Are you leaving due to anger and hurt?  If you are then you still have unfinished emotional issues that you will need to work through.  We very, very rarely think things through rationally when we are angry and hurt.  How can you deal with these feelings right now?  Simply by providing yourself with adequate and objective support – surround yourself with someone or people whom you can trust to keep you in mind and not play a part in fanning the flames of your anger.

One lady I know, whose husband cheated on her is still carrying the feelings of anger and betrayal 6/7 years later.  This then means that she makes it next to impossible for him to spend time with their son hence playing a role, inadvertently perhaps, of disrupting and interrupting a very dear part of her child’s life.

  • Do you still love your partner?  If so, then is this really the way you want to go right now?  Have you looked at all the options available to help you work things through?  In my work with children and families of divorce, I have come across couples who after a period of separation, have come to the realisation that they want to remain together. Have you considered this option?  What about couple’s therapy.
  • Are you unsure that this is the right way to go – do you have any doubts?  It has often been said that any doubt means
    Should I get a divorce
    Do you have any doubts

    no. Sometimes stepping back and looking at your marriage or relationship from a different perspective may help. Remember what your marriage was like when it worked?  Is what you are leaving over, worth the permanent breakup of your marriage or relationship?  What role are you or have you played in getting your relationship to where it is now? What “complaints” does your partner make about you?  Are they in any way legitimate?  Where are the origins of your doubt?

  • Are you ready to create a new way of life for you and your children?  Divorce and separation means that you no longer live with your partner.  Are you ready to get into a co-parenting relationship where your children share their time between two households in a way that will be conducive to your children’s wellbeing and development?
  • How would you feel when, not if,  your partner starts a new relationship?  Would you be ok with it or would you want to murder both of them preferably at the same time?  What would it mean for you to have your child be part of another person’s life?

A very dear friend of mine, who initiated their divorce once found herself literally hiding behind a bush, watching as her ex-husband, their son and new partner were having a picnic one summer.  It wasn’t that she wanted him back, it was that her son, her only child, was now part of another family unit.

Divorce can be hard.  So before you go down that route make sure you know all that you need to know.  Do your research, know all that you need to know.  Plan and prepare yourself legally for the divorce and for the tough emotional, mental and physical exhaustion that accompanies this process.

Don’t do it unless your sure.  Are you sure this is the way to go for you?  Only you can answer that question.

Soila is the founder of The Divorce Magazine and creator of the online course – Helping Children Cope with Divorce

She is known for taking away the pain of trauma and loss in children, adolescents and their families and is the author of “When Love is Broken. A read-together book for children and parents going through divorce and separation.

Soila holds an MSc in Psychoanalytic Developmental Psychology from UCL (University College London), is an accredited Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) practitioner and a trained Family Mediator.

Soila is Graduate Member of the British Psychological Society.

You can contact her on 07850 85 60 66 or via email soila@thedivorcemagazine.co.uk 

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can you be friends with your ex

The Conversations my Ex and I never had – until Recently!

Published on

My journey with the noble divorce magazine has so far been as liberating as the publishing of my book has been!

Marie Abanga
Marie Abanga

You’re probably wondering what next right?

I do enjoy sharing my divorce related stuffs with you all and what happened in the most ‘darkest’ of avenues, and all!

I wanted to share with you a few conversations I recently had with my ex husband, which l wish we had had then. But that’s life!

A quick re-cap?

Hm, I got married for all the wrong reasons and love wasn’t one of them.  All I was looking for was a refuge!

He wasn’t kind to me but I too, did a lot of damage.  I was an adulterous wife,  a ‘shameful and disgraceful” trophy to own but one that needs to be spoken about.

Now to this post.

My ex-husband was an abusive man. He barely ‘discussed’ anything with me. We were not partners, best friends, lovers or anything. Oh no, we were like ‘Master and Servant’. He barked orders and instructions. He was not physically abusive but he was mentally.  He knew I loved conversations and he chose to withhold those from me.

When we were with friends or family, we would converse as a group and even with each other.  Yet, when it was just the two of us, there was no communication.  No discussion.  No conversation.

And so it was for the six years we were married – minimum conversations with my ex.

We started off by barely spending time alone either always on the go or there were other people around whenever he was home. Either side of the family often paid us announced or unannounced visits.  Friends, mostly his, did the same and often stayed on till I went to bed.

thumb in hand
I gave birth to our second son and he came to see our baby more than six hours after

I will never forget the day I gave birth to our second son and he came to see our baby more than six hours after I had called him to say I had given birth. When he finally turned up, he was with friends, which was fine, but when they finally decided to leave, my ex-husband said he was going to see them off and only returned around 11 pm. I was distraught.

The next day, it was my cousin and my first son who came to pick me from the hospital.  We had to hire a cab because my ex had gone on a trip.

Anyway, by that time, I had made up my mind to leave the marriage and was just thinking of what to do with my sons.

We never discussed as normal couples would, what to do about the kids’ education, or whatever. No.  We never had Christmas trees nor gifts unless I bought them. We just fought. Simple!

I remember trying to tell him I was fed up and that I was cheating on him.  All I received from him was a good slap and claims that I was possessed. I guess he didn’t care since he was probably also having some extra marital liaisons too. Buy that’s his story to tell if he wishes.

I arranged for us to go for counselling but only survived the first session. We tried family mediation but this didn’t work either.  Only his family and my father were present.  My mother did not attend nor did she care to listen to me.

Then one day, I left. That almost ruined his ego and status he had built for himself as a good son-in-law, husband, father and all!  He refused to talk to me nor let me have any contact my sons for 8 months. I had left them because I couldn’t take them, not having any real source of income.

It has taken two and a half years for us to truly start talking to each.

conversations with my ex
It has taken two and a half years for us to truly start talking to each.

He did the asking this time around by sending me a Facebook request which I accepted. We started chatting first about the kids and their Christmas and vacations and then about ‘what happened’. I am past any reconciliation or moving back together drama but I am happy to talk to and with him.

One good conversation we had, was about why he had behaved the way he had as a husband. He told me that is what he learnt from his father. His parents are still together though so maybe his mother was more submissive than I was?

Another time we talked about my infidelity.  I told him I needed that consolation and warmth and was sorry to have done it.

Recently we spoke about coping, facing reality and moving on. We discussed the impact of our relationship on our health, life and children and at the end of that conversation, I wished him well.

I will visit my kids in June and will probably have a drink or coffee with him.  Such is life.

Dear readers, I have come to understand, at least somewhat, how people who couldn’t stand each other as couples, could someday become best friends.

We are far from there, but it is much more civilised now than ever and this to me is also part of divorce, Adversity and Growth.  A lot of emotions are always and will always be involved, yet for our own well being, we must move forward.

Marie Abanga

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Break-up

The Adulterous Woman

Published on
Marie Abanga
Marie Abanga

Going by the stories I have shared with you so far, you will see that my life has so far been pretty unconventional.

I am that woman who wanted to be married no matter what rather than be single and I paid for this by ending up in a marriage that was to become my jail.

I then took that ‘awful’ decision to end it, leaving behind my very own flesh and blood.

Today, I will share with you yet, another portion of my thriller of a marriage which led to a divorce.

Often times, we hear of men who cheat on their wives but rarely the other way round.  Maybe, women who cheat, don’t wish to share their stories?

I will tell you my story  in the hope that people will understand what happens when one partner withdraws emotionally.  I was that partner.  After two years of marriage, everything looked ‘good’ on the outside and yet in the ‘bedroom’ there was nothing going on anymore because I had had enough of the treatment that I was getting so I decided to do what was “good” for me then.

I cheated on my husband and found ‘temporary’ consolation in the arms of others.

the adulterous womanThe first of such men was a restaurant owner.  I often frequented this restaurant alone and before long he noticed me and started offering me ‘free’ lunches.  We would talk for ages and eventually one thing led to another.  Had I known that was just the beginning of my adulterous lifestyle, I would have told my husband and I don’t know what else.

But that I never did and soon found myself with yet another man. It was a one night stand while at a conference but again another step towards my next affair and the next and the next.

Then one day, I finally I met the man who was to get me to leave the sham of a marriage altogether. This one was a street “Child”.  He was eight years younger than I was and had nothing in his resume other than that he started living on the streets at the age of fourteen and dreamed of being a professional basketball player.

He was my “Treasure”. I won’t tell you anymore here and although that relationship is long over, that was the one time in my sad life back then, that I truly felt my life ‘spring’ up again.  What made this relationship very special to me? It was unusual and most unconventional. It was a disgraceful one AT most.

the adulterous womanIt was not until I left the country and wrote letters to those left behind did they begin to see and understand what was going on in my sad “marriage” and that those affairs did eventually help me leave.

I had tried to save my marriage in the early stages of my infidelity but to no avail. l remember begging my ex-husband we go for marriage counselling, but we never made it past the first session.

I was stuck. I was ashamed. What a Mess. What a disgrace, What a bad woman and mother.  As for Wife, I wasn’t anymore except for the legal aspects of whatever remained, I was worse than ‘Mary Magdalene’ in the Bible!

My mother did not believe me when I told her of my adulteries. She was scandalised when I mentioned that one of my partners in crime was a priest.  She preferred to believe that I was delusional, sick, depressed, possessed by some evil spirit to say the least.

I became my own mirror, my own judge and condemned myself to suicide. I however could not drive the knife through because of my sons. So I took the only other option available, and that was leave the country. I left everything behind and decided when I got better to tell the whole truth.

Yes, Divorces happen for all kinds of reasons and in my case, my unhappiness caused me to lead a life as a cheater until it became too messy to stay ‘married’.

Of course, I have since then moved forward and my mess is henceforth my Message as narrated in my book. Divorce is a painful journey but this too shall come to pass!

Marie Abanga

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Friendships Change after Divorce

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Divorce is a transition which means a change in many aspects of life.  One of these areas is relationships, particularly with friendships.

Divorce is a time to reevaluate these friendships to see if they are still beneficial or have run their course.

Pals that have stuck by you through thick and thin may no longer be as supportive and it is better to not be taken by surprise. If someone is really your friend they will stick around. If they do not, is that a person you really want in your life?

Divorce gets rid of these dead branches and allows new growth (friendships) to appear.

Miranda met someone in her women’s group and they clicked right away. They became close friends and had frequent lunches together.

Carolyn was right there when Miranda had two miscarriages and they later got to know each other’s children. Once in a while their husbands attended birthday and holiday parties. Miranda confided about her stressful marriage and eventual divorce proceedings. Miranda also shared with Carolyn, recently revealed abuse that prevented overnight visitation.  She was shocked and her sons upset when Carolyn stated several times that she loved both Miranda and her ex and would support them both.

In abuse situations, this is not a helpful thing to say to children in therapy or to a longtime friend. Carolyn refused to take sides and that friendship withered away.

People whom you assumed were close, may choose to side with your former partner. Grieve for this loss in your life and then move on.

My ex is Narcissistic and told tales about me in our divorce. I lost some friends due to being portrayed as the villain in this drama. Eventually I felt grateful to the Narcissist for showing me that these people are not worthy of my time or energy.

Another person who has been a mere acquaintance may surprise you and become a good friend.  A divorced acquaintance is now a pal and we sometimes compare notes about our former husbands’ annoying antics.

I feel the understanding and validation from her that I do not receive from my marvellous married chums.  I became closer to some mothers at my child’s school who were recently divorced and gave me stellar advice. We called ourselves members of The First Wives’ Club.

losing friends after divorce
Value the ones that stay in your life…

Friends may distance themselves from you because they do not want to get involved or know what to say.  Mutual friends of you both may fall into this category. Be pleasant when you run into them, but do not suggest going to the pub or out to tea if they seem a bit awkward.

What to do about mutual friends who invite you both to social events?

Miranda asked Carolyn if she had also invited her ex to a holiday party, explaining that she and the boys would then be unable to attend. Miranda would never tell anyone who should be on the guest list, but this was a matter of answering an RSVP question. When Carolyn’s answer was vague, Miranda politely declined this and future invitations until they were no longer issued.

In many cases former spouses can be civil to each other when no abuse or infidelity occurred, and others in their sphere are comfortable around them. A former boss on friendly terms with his ex, enjoys seeing her at functions and they catch up with each other’s news.

Friendship is a two way street. If you feel drained or that you are tip toeing around, then something is not right.

Beware of energy vampires who seem to suck the life right out of you.

I had a longtime friend who was also godmother to my youngest son.  She was divorced and became fixated upon mine, wanting a lot of details. My sons would ask her to talk about something else.

During my divorce, I had trouble getting a house mortgage and was under extreme stress.  This friend disappeared for a few months until I ran into her and asked what had happened. She said that I had snapped at her on the phone (right before moving day) and no one had done that to her before.

It was just about her and nothing about my anxiety. I most likely snapped at anyone who crossed my path, but everyone else gave me some leeway. A year later she dropped out of our lives permanently for no apparent reason. When these friends disappear it can be hard on your children.

Friendships are not static and change regardless of situations. Value the ones that stay in your life and you will meet others in serendipitous ways.

About Wendi

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

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