Partner in the Family Team at JMW Solicitors LLP
Laurie Kershaw, Partner in JMW’s family team, explores how parents can help children feel secure, connected and at home during separation and divorce.
“Where will I keep my things?” “Will Dad still come to my matches?” “Can I miss Mum when I’m with you?”
When parents separate, children’s questions are not always about divorce itself. Often, they are asking something more fundamental: where do I fit now?
You may be worrying about this too. Perhaps your child is living between two homes, becoming quieter at handovers or asking whether you will be lonely without them. Alongside the practical arrangements, there is an equally important task: helping them feel secure and connected.
Make reassurance specific
Tell children what you know about the coming days: who will collect them, where they will sleep and when they will next see each parent, where safe and appropriate. If something remains undecided, say so gently rather than making promises you cannot keep.
Reassure them that the separation is not their fault, and that sorting things out is an adult’s responsibility. They do not need the reasons behind the relationship breakdown or the details of financial disagreements.
These conversations need not happen all at once. Leave room for questions to emerge over time.
Help them feel at home, not like a visitor
If your child spends time in two homes, consider what makes each feel like somewhere they belong.
This does not mean matching bedrooms or expensive purchases. A drawer for their belongings, familiar bedding, or a favourite breakfast can communicate “you have a place here”.
Where practical, keep everyday essentials in both homes so that forgotten socks or schoolbooks do not become another source of tension. Let children help choose small things for their space.
Avoid competing over whose home is better. Belonging is not something either parent needs to win.
Give them permission to love both parents
A child should not feel that enjoying time with one parent betrays the other.
Where it is safe, show interest without interrogation: “Did you have a nice weekend?” is different from asking for a report on the other household. Avoid making children carry messages or overhear criticism.
If they miss their other parent, try acknowledging it: “It’s okay to miss Dad. You don’t have to hide that from me.”
Children can feel caught between their parents, and listening means making space for feelings that may differ from your own.
Protect the ordinary connections
Connection is not only about holidays and special outings. Reading together, helping with homework or untangling a friendship worry can matter just as much.
Consider which familiar routines can continue. Where appropriate, agree manageable ways to stay in touch between visits, without making calls intrusive or another obligation for the child.
Think beyond the immediate household too. Safe relationships with grandparents, siblings, friends, and other important people can provide continuity when much else is changing.
The aim is not a perfect timetable, but arrangements that make sense in your child’s everyday world.
Listen without asking them to choose
Ask open questions: “What would make moving between homes easier?” or “Is there anything you’re worried about?”
Their answer may be surprisingly practical. They might dislike packing, worry about leaving a pet, or want more time with friends.
Take their views seriously, while making clear that adults remain responsible for decisions.
When working together is difficult
These suggestions assume that arrangements are safe. Where there is domestic abuse, intimidation, or concern about a child’s safety, cooperative parenting may not be appropriate. Seek specialist advice rather than feeling pressured to maintain contact or communicate directly at any cost.
Even without safeguarding concerns, parents may struggle to agree. Getting advice early can help prevent uncertainty becoming an entrenched dispute.
How lawyers can help
Family lawyers help parents consider practical arrangements for their children, including living arrangements, holidays, schooling, handovers and communication. They can advise alongside mediation, help negotiate proposals and explain the options where agreement is not possible, including court proceedings where necessary.
You do not need to arrive with a solution. A first conversation can help you understand your options and identify a constructive next step.
Your family may look different after separation. The message children need remains simple: you matter, you are heard, and you still belong.
About Laurie Kershaw
Laurie Kershaw is a Partner and Professional Support Lawyer in JMW’s Family team, based in Manchester. Laurie supports the team to deliver exceptional client service. Laurie has a particular interest in helping individuals navigate the emotional and practical complexities of divorce, alongside the legal process.
