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Letters to Linda – He said he Would Never be Unfaithful and he Was

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Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Divorce and Parenting Consultant
Writer and Speaker

He said he would never and he did. He said he would never be unfaithful and he was. He said when we separated he would be reasonable about settling the terms of our separation given what he did and he is not. He is arguing ever single point in our separation agreement. My legal bills are climbing by the day. Why is he treating me this way?

First to consider, can you take a break from negotiations for a time, a month or so, to give yourself a chance to regroup emotionally?

It is an unfortunate truth that, for many partners who cause a marriage breakup, the guilt is short lived. There are so many reasons for a guilty former spouse changing into a cruel, heartless one. And there are many that can relate to your dilemma.

It may be the leaving partner is on to their new life and wants to forget their old life. It may be the partner is being influenced by others in their new life. People take sides and what your former spouse wants most of all right now is justification for his choices and behaviour.

There are any number of people in his new life willing to give him that, is my guess. They are also probably very willing to allow him to rewrite history a bit to satisfy his neediness.

Fortified with that type of support, he is able to challenge you at every turn.

However, separation is a legal issue. Keep your eye on the goal of having a fair and equitable separation agreement and divorce.

You need to rise above his lack of guilt and be very clear about what you want. Your legal adviser can help you navigate the paper trail to separation. As much as is humanly possible, don’t engage in his hysteria. He’s looking for a reaction from you- a “there I told you so’ excuse for his behaviour.

They often paint us as ‘crazy’, planting suggestions to others like ‘you don’t really know her’ with raised eyebrows without giving any indication of how they are behaving or what they really have done before the marriage ended. When the guilt goes so does any semblance of consideration for you and all you have been to him in the marriage. There are so many of us that had to endure the insult but be assured, you can and will get through it.

You cannot change where he is at emotionally. All you can do is focus on keeping calm in the midst of the chaos. If you cannot take a break from negotiations then take care of yourself.

Find the time and space needed to keep yourself on an even keel. Spend time to ensure you are in control of your emotions. That will enable you to make all the decisions that need to be made.

Muster what it takes to be clear and matter of fact in your dealings. It takes two to argue. Don’t rise to his bait and spend money on petty arguments.  However, don’t give in to any of his demands that are not acceptable. With your legal counsel maintain a steady forward movement in negotiations. Talk to your lawyer about possible ways to optimize the legal process. Be forthright about the mounting costs and look for ways to reduce expenses.

Be patient because there is ‘regular time and there is legal time.’ For whatever reasons part of the legal process is to drag on proceedings, not answer letters and miss deadlines. Push for every effective way to keep the momentum and get the issues resolved.

Good legal advice and a level head will get you to your future.

Please Read our Letters to Linda Disclaimer

ABOUT LINDA SIMPSON

“I take strength from your calm, your honesty, and the hope you give me for my future.” Cheryl 

Linda is a fresh voice in the divorce advice world. She offers a pragmatic, common sense approach to life after divorce issues based on over twenty years surviving and thriving following a very traumatic divorce.

As a single parent, her sons are an enormous source of joy in her life. She is a loving mother and grandmother to four delightful grandchildren. 

She holds a degree from the University of Waterloo with concentrations in sociology and philosophy and guidance counselling certification from Queen’s University. 

She is an accredited trainer for The Peace Education Foundation, a leader in conflict resolution training. The institute is ‘dedicated to educating children and adults in the dynamics of conflict resolution and promoting peacemaking skills in home, schools, and community.’

In a long and successful teaching career, she also served as a counsellor and workshop facilitator for SEL (social emotional learning) programming and The Peace Education Foundation throughout her school and school district and was a frequent conference presenter for SUNY Potsdam Faculty of Education USA.

She writes for The Divorce Magazine UK and her blog is seen regularly on Huffington Post Canada where the focus is life after divorce and parenting issues.

 She is a writer and poet and is presently at work on a book based on her divorce experience.

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Suzy Miller - The Divorce Strategist

Suzy Miller – The Divorce Strategist

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Suzy Miller
Divorce Strategist

The Divorce Magazine met up with Divorce Strategist, Suzy Miller to find out how she can help couples going through the divorce process as well as cohabiting couples going through separation.

This is what Suzy told us about her role, her job and how she helps.

I am a Divorce Strategist who helps to prepare people who are divorcing for a more peaceful journey through divorce.

I am independent – I am not a lawyer, not a mediator (though I am an affiliate member of the Family Mediator’s Association) – but I know who you need to talk to when divorcing to stay on a peaceful path, and when is the best time to talk to those experts.

Quite simply, my mission is to inspire and empower parents to co-parent without conflict during or after family breakup by making sure they create a strategy that will be win-win for the whole family.

I’m your ‘travel guide’ through divorce – helping you to create your own Divorce Strategy.

Because I am on the co-parenting journey myself, and I want to share what I’m learning from the many experts I speak to, it’s important to me to bust some myths (like “mediation only works for divorcing parents who “get on well” – when actually it can work for adversarial couples too), and I take clients on a journey that is a bit like going up in a balloon and traveling over the landscape of divorce, looking down and understanding just how toxic the family law system can be, and what strategies you need to protect yourself – and your family.

I do not believe in broken families. What we evolve into during divorce are extended families.

I am able to enlighten people on how to save at least £65,000 on their divorce, and who they need to be guided towards to provide the best support for their financial decisions, and for their children (eg. parenting experts like Soila!).

I receive referrals from mediators for people they cannot yet work with – because they are not in a good space for mediation to have a chance of success.

The work that I do gets them ready to access mediation with confidence and understanding the full strategic benefits of sticking to a peaceful route through divorce, and I steer them back (when they are ready) to the professional who originally referred them.

Because the time-lag can be large if that referral takes ages to contact me, I provide affiliate links to make sure I know where each client has come from.

How are you different from a divorce coach?

Well, I’ve observed very successful divorce coaches during their workshops and what I have that they don’t, is clarity on who does what.

At a workshop I was witnessing last year there was a point where the attendees where quite confused, asking questions like: “What does a financial planner do? Doesn’t the lawyer deal with all the financial stuff?” … and: “Isn’t mediation fluffy?” … and: “What is Collaborative Law anyway?”

I am the person who understands how the jigsaw of divorce can be put together in a different way, through empowering the divorcing person (or couple) to understand who they need to talk to, and when, to get the best outcome.

The reason this is important is because the impact of that knowledge can have a powerfully beneficial affect on their children.

This is why my Divorce Strategy Sessions are 100% refundable at the end of the session.

That might seem crazy, but I provide all the information I can during our session and if the divorce is fairly straightforward and the person is happy to take action on their own, with the information they have, then that’s all they need.

It is only if they choose to have a further session and benefit from other support structures that I’ve created, then they can choose not to have their initial payment refunded.  It’s entirely up to them.

That way I know no-one needs to miss out on information that could change the course of their divorce – not just financially, but psychologically as well.

Every family has the right to a peaceful divorce.  That doesn’t mean easy, or without anger or pain (I don’t have a magic wand!).

But to have the ability to rise above such a traumatic and challenging aspect of family life, and look down as you float past and see it all in a different way – that for me is my core role.

And in practical terms, my ambition is to continue to help families access dispute resolution who otherwise may have to be turned away as ‘not suitable’, when in fact, what they need to ‘be suitable’, is a different way of looking at their situation.

I use coaching techniques but my focus is very pragmatic – making sure they understand the process and have realistic expectations.

Many divorce coaches don’t have the network of expertise that I have to tap into and share with my clients, because I’ve also created an Alternative Divorce Directory to gather together professionals in a wide range of disciplines.

But I value the role of divorce coaches highly, which is why I include them on my Alternative Divorce Directory and refer clients to them.

I have collaborated with the MOJ in promoting dispute resolution, am an affiliate member of the Family Mediators’ Association, have written for the Daily Mail and been featured in many national magazines and appeared on BBC Breakfast TV, Radio 4’s Woman’s Hour and C5’s The Vanessa Show.

I also have a talk that is a little ‘raw’ in nature, but I’m keen to be real with people about why I do what I do, sharing my own story. 

It all sounds really interesting but how do you work with Divorce Professionals or do you work with them?

If any divorce professionals would like to make my Divorce Strategy services (effectively free to clients as they have a fully refundable deposit) available to their clients, they can access an affiliate link here

For divorcing people who want to access my service direct, and are scared of the cost and the emotional upheaval of divorce – and need a strategy that’s fully refundable – then there is more information here: Family Life Resilience

 

“Peace is my weapon of choice”

Click here for articles that Suzy Miller has shared with The Divorce Magazine

To find out more about Suzy:

07525 059 634

www.AlternativeDivorceDirectory.co.uk

linkedin.com/in/startoversuzy

@StartOverSuzy

@sosDivorce

 

Photo by Zoriana Stakhniv on Unsplash

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When is it time to Divorce

When is it time to Divorce?

Published on
Women and Divorce
Wendi Schuller
Author of
The Global Guide to Divorce

Deciding whether or not to divorce is a difficult decision to make.

Think carefully before uttering the phrase, “I want a divorce.” Once those words are out of your mouth – you cannot call them back.

That statement will affect the rest of your life, so be sure you really mean it and are not issuing a hollow threat.

When hearing distressing news, such as your spouse had an affair, it can be tempting to shout out those words. That action can slam the door shut on the possibility of saving the marriage if the errant spouse walks out of the door for good.

We often react right away instead of thinking things through. The sympathetic nervous system floods the body with stress hormones, such as cortisol, to act quickly in a volatile situation. This is the fight or fight phase, where one can say hurtful things in anger. Responding instead of reacting, involves analysing the problem to form a response. There are ways to be more rational in the heat of the moment.

Take a pause or a time-out. Decisions do not have to be made on the spot. Remove yourself and say that you require time to think, when hearing something upsetting.

Acknowledge to yourself, that you are in shock or in rage. This is the time to work through intense emotions, instead of exploding. Consider talking over the situation with a life coach to get a handle on these feelings.

Together you can explore different options to see if you want to stay in the marriage or not. Getting in a calmer state will help one to gain clarity and be in a better place before approaching the spouse.

In other cases, it can be many little issues that are the tipping point instead of one major event.

An individual may be unhappy or no longer want to continue to live life as they have been. They may feel unfulfilled or that something is missing. The person may think this is due to their marriage or spouse, when in reality it is inside of them.

Having individual therapy can help pinpoint a problem area, such as suffering through Empty Nest. Therapy is beneficial when a person is at a crossroad at this point in life.  In some cases, following a passion, changing careers or becoming an entrepreneur was what was needed and not a divorce.

A frank discussion with your spouse can help in deciding whether to stay or to bail. Take turns actively listening without interrupting.

Reflect back what you think you heard, to give the other a chance to correct a misconception. Expressing annoyances and needs might be just the ticket to avoid divorce. Day- to-day communication can be superficial and a couple can drift away from each other. Communicating on a deeper level can boost marital satisfaction.

There may be non-negotiable areas where there are no second chances. This could be infidelity, a porn addiction, or abuse.  Deceit with lies and a cover up has led people to divorce. Know what your boundaries are.  When my spouse was going on a dark path, I had to leave.  In a lesser circumstance, marital counselling may have been an option.

There are many resources for helping to fix a marriage or forming an exit plan if that is not going to happen.

Relate is UK’s “largest provider of relationship support” and helps couples to communicate in a more effective way. This is just one example of what is available for troubled relationships. Going to a marriage therapist can save a marriage or help one see if it is worth saving.

The therapist works with the couple and may also see them individually. This is a safe environment to air grievances and to start repairing the relationship. Retrouvaille is a program to help couples heal and renew their hurting marriages. The couple learns how to communicate and reconnect with each other.

This program is sometimes considered the last resort to save a marriage. It is a weekend retreat, followed up by sessions.

When considering divorce, it is the couple’s decision and not one done on the opinions of family or friends. Others may not be neutral or care for the spouse. If feeling undecided, talk to a person you trust or have a session with a life coach.

Take advantage of the many divorce resources available, including what the divorce process entails. Divorce is emotionally draining and can be expensive. Explore all avenues first before choosing to end your marriage.

Whatever path you decide, have a support system in place.

ABOUT WENDI

Wendi Schuller is a nurse, hypnotherapist and is certified in Neuro-linguistic Programing (NLP).

Her most recent book is The Global Guide to Divorce and she has over 200 published articles.

She is a guest on radio programs in the US and UK. Her website is globalguidetodivorce.com.

Feature photo – Photo by Helloquence on Unsplash

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What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband
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Life after Divorce – What I Would Say To My Deceitful Ex-Husband, 20 Years Later

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

It was a novel suggestion. What would I say to my former spouse if given the opportunity?

We haven’t spoken in nearly two decades. Twenty five years of marriage is so far behind me now that most of my life has been without him.

The hurt he left behind surfaces occasionally with me and our sons. We long ago learned to deal with it and push it back in the shadows where it belongs. I wonder if he knows of that paternal legacy.

I used to think he was my bridge over troubled water. Now I realize that notion was reversed. His demons far exceeded mine.

There was a time when I missed him so much I ached. That feeling left me years ago and never returned. My biggest battle today is suppressing regret for time lost in a marriage that was doomed from the very beginning.

Our oldest son saw the demise of the family before we did. He told me that when he was barely a teenager it was already evident. We may have been fooling ourselves but not him.

Childhood sweethearts can be both a boon and a bane. In our situation is was the latter. He skilfully exploited my innocence. I grew up after he left, a painful but invigorating process.

This is what I would say if given the opportunity. Our conversation would include the following anecdote, questions, and observations.

Last summer, our oldest grandchild, all of seven years old, asked ” What happened? Why don’t you live together?” I hope someday he asks you the same question and that you have the grace to answer the question honestly. Not wink and toss it off as a joke as you are wont to do or dismiss it as all just “water under the bridge.”

This time you got a pass on your behaviour thanks to our son who fielded the question rather skilfully. No mention of your trademark deception and dishonesty. Seven years old is too young to know the truth. But someday he will know the answer.

Our sons are our greatest asset together. They are dedicated to their families. I worried about that because of the example you had set as a husband and father. Did your parenting choices ever concern you? For many years they were fatherless.

I would ask you about the phenomenon that a father can walk away from a family and turn a corner and not look back. We are not the only family to experience this type of abandonment. I don’t understand how men, mostly, can have little family contact for years on end. A Facebook connection with the odd puerile quip is hardly parenting.

I would ask you about how you lived a lie every day of our marriage. I get stuck on that fact I must confess. Over 20 years later and it still gets me. Every memory of our life together from high school forward is couched with the fact it was all a lie. Every profession of love, everything you ever said or did was framed by your lies.

I would tell you one of the best decisions I ever made was reclaiming my maiden name. I have a colleague to thank for the change. He refused to address me by my married name after the divorce details emerged. So almost by default I went back to my ‘maiden’ name and for 20 odd years I am grateful every single day I did that. It is a name worthy of that honour.

I would tell you I miss sharing this time of life with children and a gaggle of grandchildren. At least with -the you- the fatherly pastiche you wore so well. All of that is framed with the possibility you never really cared about any of it. Our life together might be nothing more to you than photo ops, well placed good deeds and empty words of sincerity to cover your secrets.

I would observe, that, as is often the case in divorce, you ended up much more financially secure than I did. However, my freedom from you is priceless.

I would ask you those questions and then doubt your answers. Would you just tell me what you think I want to hear, something you do very well or would you be honest? I am not sure what an honest answer sounds like coming from you.

I used to think ours was a great love until I found the real deal. I used to be afraid of you but I am not anymore. I still want to know the name of the silent partner in our marriage that you have refused to reveal.

And thus the conversation would end in an egregious manner, just like our marriage.

More than 20 years of silence is a lifetime. Perhaps it is all water under the bridge.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

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Life after Divorce – 20 Years Since My Divorce, And I Am Better For It

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Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

This year, 2016, is officially 20 years after my marriage breakup.

For those of us who grew up in the 1950s, we thought the future would be much like our parents. We married, had families, but then, unlike our parents, many of us divorced.

Twenty-five years ago I would have told you I was the luckiest woman in the world. I was married to my best friend who I adored and had two wonderful sons. I had it all including the home and picket fence.

As it turned out, there was no luck in my marriage. The marital secrets he revealed crippled me emotionally for years after the breakup. I was such an innocent in 1996 and he knew it.

Even in the earliest, darkest days and nights after he left, I was determined to get better emotionally. There are family and friends who thought I talked too much about it. I probably did. But, we are all on our own timeline with grief recovery.

The advice that you will get over it — is not true.

Far more apt is what someone said to me back then. Life after divorce is like having had a broken arm — there is always a slight twinge in the damp weather. It’s a much longer, softer lens when I look back but it is part of who I am. My history.

Throughout, my sons have always been a source of strength for me. They were in their late teens at the time. We became a very single-parent family quickly, creating new traditions, forging a solid family unit.

They forgave my mistakes and emotional stumbling and were my cheering section with my successes.

I don’t believe older children find divorce easier. When a marriage disintegrates, the family unit as it has been known does too. The expected future — lost. Painful for children at any age.

And just how does a parent walk away from a family and turn their back on everything they have known? In so many divorce stories, that narrative repeats over and over. So often, those people who cause the marital breakup, create a future where they drop in and out of their children’s lives based on convenience.

One of the many miracles in my life was finding the most understanding and skilled counsellor during the death throes of my marriage. For the next three years, she helped me piece together a life I thought was shattered. I began to realize my own self-worth and how love had indeed blinded me to the result of constant personal denigration.

A strong lesson in choices was a theme during our sessions.

“Don’t feel sorry for him,” she said, “because he made the choices that brought about the end of the marriage. ”

The past 20 years have been about my choices. I had no control over what had happened in my marriage but I did have a choice in how I lived my life going forward.

Again, I was fortunate to have a career I loved, and a supportive administration who allowed me to pursue and excel in my chosen field of guidance.

I had always wanted to live and work abroad and was able to do that. Packing two big satchels and moving to a brand new country on my own was an extraordinary, empowering experience.

Twenty years ago, when he left, I was denied one future. It hasn’t been easy. However, now I believe that leaving was the greatest gift he ever gave me.

Dating was more of a challenge. Marrying my childhood sweetheart had given me little opportunity for emotional growth. I had to learn how to date again. In retrospect, that was fraught with its own hilarity. But each time a Mr. Right Now came into my life, it gave me another opportunity to learn how to have a healthy, mature relationship. Training wheels for the future.

My own space is as important as shared space. On the evenings that I own the remote control — I am happy that I do.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons. I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children. Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience.

As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

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Divorce Memories and Dreams
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Where Life after Divorce Memories and Dreams Continue to be Made

Published on
Linda Simpson
Linda Simpson
Writer and Speaker

On Golden Pond clinched it.

We watched it, cried through the credits and saw ourselves years in the future. He, the crotchety Henry Fonda, and me, the delightfully aged Katharine Hepburn — opening the cottage each spring.

We’d remark on all the changes from the past year, ourselves included. Then we’d wait for our children and grandchildren to descend for their summer holiday.

It’s that time of year again. Cottage opening. Prompted by that movie 32 years ago, we scraped together some cash and bought the waterfront property of our dreams.

Travelling down the dusty back roads of our town we found the perfect piece of land. A huge stand of birch trees and a view straight across the lake. Sitting at the shore one sunny morning, watching two loons swim by, we knew this was ours.

Both of us had grown up with old fashioned cottages. Those simple cabins by the shore. Simplicity was the key to our type of cottage experience.

The first year we camped. There was no money left to build anything after buying the land. So, we built a tent platform and pitched a tent. That lasted all of one summer. It turned out, we were not happy campers.

The next year a small cabin sprang up in the middle of the birch grove. It was as simple as it gets. Reclaimed windows, second hand furniture, plywood counter top, ancient stove and cold water. But, we were out of the weather when it rained and more than an arm’s length from each other inside.

For our sons, the days blended into what I call those white nights of summer. Endless games of Marco Polo echoed from the raft. At dusk, they ran wild in the forest with a gaggle of cottage country kids, playing Capture the Flag. A game whose rules still elude me. After roasting marshmallows at the bonfire by the shore, they would drop into bed exhausted.

We added a front porch and the place remained like that for several years. Every night we watched the stars and dreamed of adding on a bedroom wing and a proper bathroom somewhere off in the future. Old fashioned cottages have two things in abundance. Memories and dreams. Nothing is ever completely “finished” and that is part of the fun. The memories and dreams.

Finally we took the plunge, mortgaged it and added on what we saw as luxury. Proper bedrooms and a bathroom.

This is where the idyllic story starts to get derailed.

My spouse began to dislike everything about the cottage, seething at the inevitable projects. Gone were the times where we had once, laughingly, faced the challenges together. Now he turned on me and the cottage. It was all a burden to him. He’d outgrown the summer place, just as he did his family. I was isolated and confused by his indifference.

After some very traumatic scenes, he walked out 20 years ago. I took over the parenting, the mortgage and finishing the cottage.

I learned to tape drywall and do a fairly decent job of it. Repair jobs I couldn’t do myself were farmed out to available handymen.

Like everything else in my newly single life, I began to really enjoy the autonomy of making my own decisions. I found out I could design the finishing touches and organize contractors. I worried constantly about the financial pressures of keeping the cottage. I persevered for my sons and relied on my spirited determination. The cottage became an integral part of the post-divorce family.

Slowly the place began to look more complete.

It is still an old fashioned cottage with a hominess that invites relaxation. There are big comfy couches and we have kitschy memorabilia tacked up on the walls. No granite counter tops. The hallway is a picture gallery of our family fun over the years.

It is now a special place for my grandchildren.

They bound out of the car, just like their fathers did so many years before. The someday that never was to be together with my former spouse is here. It is “Grandma’s Cottage.” And a new generation is running wild in the woods, splashing in the water, paddling in the inflatable boat, and having mud fights at the shore.

The place is still not finished. There’s some drywall that needs taping and painting. The outside should be re-stained but it is “the cottage.” Full of memories and dreams.

Dear Diary on a summer morning:
6 a.m.: steaming cup of coffee, snuggled up in bed with my grandchildren, watching the loons in the bay.

About Linda

A committed writer and speaker with stories to share based on many life lessons.

I found a voice and style that matches my spirit. The hope is that these articles inspire reflection and conversation.

After a rewarding teaching career that spanned 40+ years, writing became my next step. Many years spent as a guidance education trainer gave me a unique perspective on the lives of children.

Divorce twenty years ago provided first- hand knowledge of that life altering experience. As a very single parent, I am devoted to my wonderful family.

Every day I knock on the sky and believe impossible things before breakfast. It is all shared with the reader.

 

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Is Christmas the Season to Break-up
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Is Christmas the Season to Break-up?

Published on
Sara Davison
Sara Davison
Divorce Coach

Family law firms always see a sharp rise in clients in the New Year. In fact January 6th is known as Divorce Day as they receive so many enquiries about getting a divorce.

So what is behind this peak so soon after Christmas? Why are there so many people wanting to start divorce proceedings as soon as the festive period comes to an end, a time traditionally known for being together with family?

It’s a sad fact that as many as 42% of couples find themselves heading for divorce in the UK. This figure is as high as 50% in the USA.

Divorce is not an easy process, in fact it’s known as the second most traumatic life experience after death of a loved one.

It involves a rollercoaster of emotions and many new practical challenges so we need to give it careful consideration when we decide to leave a marriage.

The new year peak in starting divorce proceedings is the same every year. There are several factors that cause this and things to look out for:

  • Spending quality time with the family in the holidays if you have a solid relationship can make it even stronger. However if the foundations of the relationship are rocky spending increased amounts of time together can increase the pressure and the cracks will start to show.
  • Over Xmas the usual routine of work and school runs is disrupted. We are no longer distracted by them and so we have more time to focus on the relationship and how it is going. It is under more scrutiny as couples are spending more time together.
  • Many people have actually decided to break up well before Christmas will have made the decision to get through the festive period as not to upset the family, especially if there are children involved, and then leave in the new year.Is Christmas the Season to Break-up
  • Spending time with extended family often puts a lot of pressure on a couple. Tensions can mount if they don’t get along well or have to walk on egg shells around each other’s family.
  • Couples often have different expectations of the Christmas holidays. If one sees it as a chance to put their feet up as they are not at work and the other is left to entertain the kids or cook for everyone it can cause arguments.
  • Financial pressures can mount over Christmas as pressure to provide the latest gift for the children and feed the extended family for days on end can be extremely high. This can inevitably cause arguments and tension for couples.
  • It’s the season for parties and drinking and if your relationship is already on the rocks it can sadly be a trigger for infidelity.

All these festive period pressures can reach a crescendo, what I call a switch flicking moment, when something tips the balance and you decide you just can’t do this anymore. Enough is enough and you want out. Unfortunately this is the case for many couples and why the divorce rate peaks in the new year.

However if you are aware of this there are things you can do to help your relationship survive Christmas. Here are my 7 top tips to avoiding breaking up over Christmas:

  • Don’t let problems fester. If there are any issues raise them with your partner and work together to sort them out before any irreparable damage is done.
  • Set aside some time to discuss what you want from the holidays and how you see it working. Make a plan that you both agree to and are happy with.
  • Agree a financial budget for the Christmas period in advance and stick to it.
  • Make a conscious decision to stay calm and to keep spirits up over Christmas. Don’t be the person who brings the mood down.
  • Do your best to get along with the in laws and extended family. Agree to keep visits to a minimum if you know they always cause unnecessary stress.
  • Keep the love alive: Be affectionate and playful with your partner. Arrange quality alone time over the holidays where you spend time together doing the things you love.
  • Don’t take things too seriously: Keep perspective on the magnitude and significance of things that might trigger an argument. Remember you can diffuse an argument before it happens by choosing to react with love. For example giving them a hug or telling them you love them can diffuse the tension in a heartbeat if you do it sincerely.

The key to any successful relationship is good communication. Find a way that works for you both and remember that you will both have different methods of communicating how you feel.

Sticking your head in the sand isn’t a great way to deal with issues and it’s always best to nip them in the bud right away. However it’s never too late to start communicating better with your partner.

Be kind, respectful and empathetic towards each other and you will find that your relationship can overcome many obstacles.

ABOUT SARA

Sara Davison is a highly credible life and business expert whose own personal experience has led to her creating a unique divorce coaching programme designed to support individuals with the tools, techniques and advice needed to journey through divorce.

An NLP Master Practitioner, with 16 years’ coaching experience, Sara has successfully built and developed a global business and has worked with some of the top names in personal development such as ; Anthony Robbins, Paul McKenna, Barefoot Doctor and more.

With a wealth of experience helping others through challenging situations, as well as the experience of her own marriage breakdown, Sara was inspired to create a bespoke divorce coaching program that would help guide those battling through the process of divorce. The program offers tailored, practical advice and strategies to help people move forward.

Sara’s aim is to change the stigma associated with divorce in the UK. She wants to encourage people to ask for help, and teach people the skills to get from where they are to where they want to be.

For more information see saradavison.com for more details.

 

 

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technology is changing divorce
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How Digital Technology is Changing Divorce

Published on
Kerry Smith
Kerry Smith
Head of Family Law
at K J Smith

Divorce has been changing a lot in recent years, but these changes are not just a matter of successive legal reforms and year-to-year changes in rates.

One source of change that is often underappreciated is the impact that the rise of the digital sphere, and in particular the world of social media, has had on the process of ending a marriage.

Digital technologies have changed the world of divorce primarily through introducing a new avenue of investigation and enquiry. Digital records are often much easier to investigate, and much harder to conceal or destroy if you say something you later regret.

This means that communications made directly with your former partner and with other parties can usually be analysed in great detail, as can any angry Facebook statuses or tweets you may have made relating to the divorce process or your former partner. These can have a significant impact on the divorce process, and are entirely capable of impacting the final settlement.

Even a Google search history can have an impact.

As such, digital evidence is playing an increasingly big role in today’s divorce cases, with written communications – whether made privately or in the more public sphere of social media sharing – probably playing the biggest role. It is a lot harder to deny communications that are on written record than things you have said verbally, and it is a lot easier to send an instant message or post a social media update in the heat of the moment and with little thought than it was for our ancestors to send an angry letter.

Modern technologies are also playing a role in bringing about divorces – or at least hastening the end of already-troubled marriages. Once again, social media is probably the most prominent aspect of the modern world in operation here.

The key factor is much the same; digital communications leave a permanent record and in some circumstances can be much easier for somebody to access than traditional communications methods. Such accessing of private communications may be intentional, for example if a spouse already has some suspicions and accesses their partner’s texts or Facebook messages in an attempt to confirm or refute them.

However, it is also quite common for such communications to be stumbled upon accidentally, for example if a spouse is looking for something else on a partner’s phone, or if one person has left their social media accounts active on a shared computer.

As you might imagine, adultery cases are the biggest group to which this is relevant. Messages that prove or provide supporting evidence for adultery suspicions can be the final triggering factor for divorce, as can incriminating or suspicious photographs that have been shared on social networks.

In other cases, what is discovered may be “virtual adultery,” online flirting with or without “actual” infidelity taking place, and this could still hasten or trigger the end of the relationship. However, similar principles can apply in cases where there is no infidelity at all. If a marriage is already going through difficulties, it is entirely possible for one partner discovering unflattering things their partner has said about them to friends, for example, to prove to be the final straw.

Kerry Smith is the head of family law at K J Smith Solicitors, a specialist family law firm who deal with a wide range of issues including divorce, domestic violence, civil partnerships and prenuptial agreements.

 

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husband cheated

Why My Husband Cheated. Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me!

Published on
Kristen Lynch
Kristen Lynch

Sometimes life can find us sleeping, dozing off in the intoxicating respites and sleepy lulls that make up the drudgery and normality of the everyday routine.

It’s easy to do, one minute you’re a young, energetic young 20-something and the next thing you know you’ve got four kids and an odd feeling that somehow you are missing something, like perhaps, the last ten years of your life.

That was where I found myself a year ago. I had somehow slept walked through years of marriage. Lights were on, no one home. Same morning drill; wake kids up, drop them off, head to work, and home again. Wash, rinse, repeat.

For me, having children, the ‘easier’ a routine became, the better, I was all about making it through breakfast without bloodshed or somehow managing to get everyone herded into our awaiting carpool – backpacks zipped and matching shoes on the correct feet. I managed, but I had an inkling that there was something else going on.

You see, I knew something was wrong, with my life, my marriage. Of course, any third-party bystander could clearly see the giant gulf that I was apparently blind to.

Hmmm, let’s think about this, traveling husband, one whose weekly business trips were now seeping into the weekends. As I look back now, the signs were all there – I just chose not to see them.

In my defence (and God knows I needed one) I had emotionally checked out. For all intents and purposes, I was a kept woman, ignorant of kind of important things like phone bills and credit card statements. A big red flag as I would soon find out. I was also unaware of some unaccounted time that I assumed was part of my husband’s work travel schedule, not time that was apparently being used for other ‘business’.

I assumed, naively, that everything was fine, nothing more than a bit of a disconnect between my husband and myself. Funny thing, though, about our mobile phone carrier, and the fact that my husband no longer had the bill sent to our house.

You see, years ago (when our youngest was still a baby) I came across some of his cell phone records and was struck by the odd occurrences of a phone number in Butte, Montana. I noticed a pattern; sometimes my husband would call this particular number four, five, or six times an hour. Some calls were short, others were many, many minutes. But mostly there were a lot of them.

Back then, I had four children under the age of six, I was chronically hormonal, acutely postpartum and mostly just sleep-deprived, and as it turns out, more than a little paranoid to boot. So I did what any normal wife would do; I called the number.

husband cheatedI calmly waited, heart in throat, counting the rings before I lost my nerve and hung up, however, before I tossed down the phone in terror, a woman answered. I nervously asked who she was and awkwardly explained how I had her number and by chance could she explain to me how she knew my husband.

After a lengthy pause, she said something about real estate property that she owned in Anaconda, and of course, that her own husband was great friends with my husband. Funny, I didn’t know either one of these people.

I confronted my husband later, who predictably gave me some kind of bullshit answer, trying to corroborate what his lover told me. Now, as I look back, the two must have shared a great laugh together, chuckling about the stupid wife who was so oblivious and easily fooled, ha ha! Too bad, because I really like a good joke.

It was funny too, because fast forward ten years and I was a little less hormonal, a little older and hopefully a little wiser.

This time when I held a stack of phone records in my hand, the sirens blared and unlike that phone record incident ten years prior, I listened to their ear piercing screeches, not dismissing the God-awful keening or the heavy dread that sat in the pit of my stomach.

Oh, I was awake now, thrust out of any sleepy routines of life, especially since my eyes spied a number from Butte, Montana, one that flooded the pages with its many appearances.

Awake. Not sleepwalking anymore.

I was fully conscious of myself, my surroundings and my life, this life, not some cosmic or karmic next life or something. I have one life and I decided right then to wake up and join it. Sometimes we are forced into change, kicking and screaming, clawing onto anything to give us comfort, even that which will ultimately hold us back and keep us stagnant, sleepy and disengaged.

I shed light on that affair (and many others as I was to find out) by tearing the roof off of its dark and sleepy lair, the discovery of it ignited a light within me. I had faced my greatest fear and I had conquered.

No longer would I be that zombie wife that waited at home for the phone to ring, that ignorant rube that spent weekdays (and weekends) alone, sleepwalking through life in a daze. As a matter of fact, sleep eluded me for a good bit. I was in fact, very, very awake. The wakefulness of life crackled in my brain like trodden gravel, grinding my sleep-deprived mind in its powerful jaws. Oh, I wasn’t going to be caught sleeping now!

Separation for my husband and myself is imminent. But I am not afraid, hanging onto fear like a child, huddled in the darkness under a stack of blankets.

I now embrace the light of freedom, knowledge and reality. A much better alternative.

Who knew that my husband’s infidelity would be the catalyst that finally got me off my ass and checked back into the world again?

I now live with an attitude of thankfulness, oddly enough, to my cheating husband. For to have the ability to view the world through eyes of universal gratitude and authenticity is a gift.

Kristen Lynch lives in Boise, Idaho (United States) and is the mother of four teenagers.

Currently, she is a technical writer at a large IT company but writes fiction/non-fiction when she isn’t cleaning, cooking, or carpooling to the soccer fields. She is also compiling a collection of personal essays, written on her experience with marriage, infidelity, and learning to heal.

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family mediation case study

Family Mediation – A Case Study

Published on
Paul Sandford
Paul Sandford
Mediator and
Tribunal Judge

A dispute between a couple who divorced five years ago but where there have been ongoing difficulties between them

Frankie and Johnny were married for five years during which time they had two children, John and Jane who are now aged 10 and 12.

Initially they were very happy but five years ago a combination of economic and social factors, coupled with Frankie’s strong but incorrect suspicions that her husband was being unfaithful resulted in a very acrimonious divorce.

Although at that time their solicitors gave them balanced, sensible advice they fought bitterly over a range of financial issues.

They also argued extensively about how often they should each be able to spend time with John and Jane. Outwardly at least they resolved these issues. However, this was partly because they were both emotionally drained and partly because they had run up very large legal bills and just wanted to get things over and done with.

Although Frankie and Johnny were in principle prepared to work within the framework that their divorce settlement provided, they had not managed to resolve any of their personal differences and to date there has been a lot of ill disguised resentment on both sides.

This is particularly true of Johnny who had reluctantly agreed to sign the family home over to Frankie and now has to live in unsatisfactory and quite costly rented accommodation.

Because the children live with Frankie and only stay with him at weekends, he feels that his ex-wife is calling all the shots and that he is little more than what he terms “a meal provider”.

Frankie is not prepared to be at all flexible, interprets the settlement provisions about Johnny’s contact with the children very literally and repeatedly makes hurtful remarks to him.

Johnny retaliates by badmouthing Frankie in front of John and Jane even though it upsets them and is invariably late in making maintenance payments.

Each and every time they meet, Frankie and Johnny row, often in public or in front of the children. Frankie’s mother, Daphne, who has never liked Johnny and whom he considers to be an interfering busybody becomes involved and repeatedly criticises him in front of the children.

Recently, two or three mutual friends in whom Frankie and Johnny have both confided decided that enough was enough and strongly suggested that they go to family mediation.

family mediation case study
Family Mediation – A Case Study

Ostensibly, the purpose of the mediation is for them to revisit the question of how often Johnny sees John and Jane and to consider John’s stated wish that he has more say in his children’s upbringing, particularly their education.

Subsequently, in the process of initially speaking to Frankie and Johnny individually to see whether mediation is appropriate, it becomes apparent to the mediator, Angela, that although at first glance the original divorce settlement appears to have been quite sensible, in reality there are lots of unresolved issues. She initially suggests four sessions but because a lot of progress is made matters are resolved in three.

During their first session, Frankie and Johnny barely speak to one another.

However, once they have grasped that their mediator is not there to impose a settlement on them, they both privately concede that the other is “not all bad”. They both realise that for the first time they have the opportunity to speak to one another with facilitation from an objective, independent third party who is not a lawyer or a counsellor and is prepared to listen and to help them try to reach a settlement that they will both be comfortable with.

In subsequent sessions they are more focused. Johnny concedes that Frankie is a good mother and that it is in John and Jane’s best interests to live with her.

However, he asks her to acknowledge that he is doing his best in difficult circumstances, that he bitterly resents her suggestions of past infidelity on his part, and that his wish to play a more active role in the children’s day-to-day lives is genuine.  He also politely but very strongly suggests that Daphne stops interfering, something that in truth Frankie agrees with.

Having listened to Johnny, Frankie takes a step back. She acknowledges Johnny’s views and agrees that she will try to rein Daphne in.

The net effect is that although Frankie and Johnny do not resolve their personal differences, they agree that they have to put John and Jane first and that they have to try and be more civil with one another. Frankie agrees to be a little more flexible about access arrangements and to keep in touch with Johnny in order to discuss things such as the children’s schooling with him.

In turn Johnny agrees that unless there are any genuine difficulties he will make any required financial payments on time. Both agree that they will keep financial and other issues under review.

Frankie and Johnny liaise with their solicitors and decide not to request the court to make a consent order amending the order made at the time of their divorce. Instead with their solicitors’ help they record their revised agreement in correspondence.

The obvious benefit resulting from Frankie and Johnny going to mediation and entering into a written agreement is that John and Jane are much happier and feel much more secure.

Their parents have effectively saved themselves a good deal of anguish and upset and feel better able to get on with their lives. They have established some lines of communication and because they have to some extent accepted their own failings they are better placed to be civil to one another Their acrimonious feelings about one another do not melt away but they have at the very least agreed to disagree about such matters and they are able to put their animosities to one side.

Paul Sandford is an accredited civil mediator,  family mediator and Tribunal Judge

He mediates for a leading UK charity, has been appointed a governor/mediator at a London Secondary School and has the benefit of having worked as a solicitor for around 25 years.  He has also worked as a trainer and university lecturer and has considerable experience of working with people who are disabled or who do not have English as a first language.

As well as being Regents University accredited, Paul recently completed ADRg civil/commercial and family training and is working towards becoming an accredited family mediator.

He has particular  knowledge and experience of housing, property/commercial, medical and public law issues and employment, workplace, family and educational disputes. He is a member of two mediation panels: Clerksroom, which has excellent conference call facilities, and the Business Mediation Group. In his spare time Paul enjoys cooking, football, test cricket and listening to the blues, and fundraises for his school.

[All names changed]

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after the Affair
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How to Survive after the Affair – Dr Lori Bisbey

Published on

I got the chance to interview Dr Bisbey on how to save your marriage after the affair or put it another way, can a marriage be saved after infidelity or adultery?

Dr Biseby is a Psychologist and Relationship Coach.

She works with those s in the midst of relationship and want to create a good vibrant relationship and those struggling within their relationships. Lori also works with those who are having issues and are looking to or are wondering if they should go their separate ways.

Can a marriage survive infidelity is more a question like should a marriage survive infidelity?, Says Lori.

The interview is in 5 short parts packed with vital information and advice on such topics as:

  • Can my marriage survive infidelity?
  • What is infidelity anyway.  Lori believes there are different types of infidelity and whether a marriage can survive after the affair or not, may depend on the type of infidelity involved.  “Not all infidelity is equal,”  says Lori.  An ongoing affair for instance is likely to have a far bigger impact than a one off occurrence.
  • What about emotional infidelity?  Where does that come in and how much damage can that cause?  What is so damaging about emotional infidelity anyway?  Lori explains that it comes down to the fact that the “cheater” was emotionally intimate with someone else and not with his/her partner.  That’s what so damaging.
  • “Sexual infidelity can be much easier to cope with and deal with but an emotional betrayal is much harder and takes more work to get over,” she explains.
  • Find out how emotional infidelity comes about in the first place?
  • What about the serial cheater? Is that considered to be long term infidelity?
  • Is it true once a cheat always a cheat?
  • How do you know when some is cheating?  Just the same as you know that someone is lying?
  • Infidelity is often a symptom. The infidelity is a clue that this is done. Like someone is saying “I’ve been unfaithful, I really need out of this relationship.”
  • Polyamorous realtionshiop and open relationships where do they come in?  Can we have multiple partners? If so what are the rules around that?
  • How can you avoid infidelity?
  • Can someone else truly make you cheat?  Is it at all possible that it’s someone else’s fault?  People find hard to take responsibility especially when it’s something that hurts another.
  •  Good sex, as time goes on, is largely a function of the ability to communicate. If you can be emotionally intimate, your sex becomes incredible. If you can share on all sorts of other levels, the sexual relationship can be amazing.
  • What’s physical intimacy really about?
  • What role does pornography play today?  Can it be used to grow physical intimacy?
  • What advice does Lori give to anyone who has just discovered infidelity?
  • Can you have a relationship with no trust?

 

How to get in touch with Lori:

Lori on – Linkedin, Yotango,

Phone: +44 7770 858219
(US cell upon request)

Email: Lori@wolfsfire.com

 Lori can conduct sessions over skype too.

If you’re interested in her couples retreats, please do contact Lori directly and she will be more than happy to let you know when and where the next ones are.

 

 

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children about divorce

How do We Talk to our Children about Divorce?

Published on
Elaine Halligan
Elaine Halligan
London Director of
The Parent Practice

Children do suffer from family separation unless it is handled extremely carefully.

When adults divorce their world is in turmoil and so is their children’s. This is a time when the parents need to know what to do and what to say to their children to ensure they survive the transition and thrive in a post-divorce world.

Traumatised adults often do and say things that can be very confusing for children but we know divorcing parents want to support their children through this experience so here are some guidelines of what to say to the kids when telling them about this huge change in their lives.

CHOOSE a time to tell them

Carefully consider the best time, when there are no plans for a few days so they can ask questions, confusions can be cleared up, and feelings aired. If at all possible, arrange to tell them together so you are united in creating the new structure.

If parents are so conflicted that doing this together may cause more tension, then tell them separately. If talking separately be sure to say “Mum and Dad together have decided…....”

LET them know that:

Their mother and father were happy once together and they were born out of love, and although you no longer love each other, reassure them that you will both always love them. (It may help to say that the love that adults have for each other is not the same as the love a parent feels for a child lest they worry that you will fall out of love with them too.)

child maintenance and child contact

BE clear with them that:

The separation has nothing to do with them and it is definitive– it is not their responsibility to try and make things better between mum and dad, and they can’t do anything to get you back together again.

Mum and Dad are sad, but they will take care of their own feelings – it is not for the child to worry about this.

The children will have lots of different feelings. This is normal and you want them to talk to you or some other adult that they trust about it. Involve a loved relative or friend for these conversations.

GIVE details about what will happen

Let them know how life will change and what will remain the same – address practical issues of living arrangements. Eg when they visit the other parent, what happens on holidays, with the pets, about money and school etc. An involved and informed child will feel more in control of his life and will be able to cope better. Give age appropriate information.

AVOID blame

Parents often say ‘it’s important for the child to know the truth!’ Ask yourself why a child needs to know about adult matters such as infidelity, or about legal or financial matters.

Details about these can disturb them and can convince them there is something ‘wrong’ with one parent. Children need to believe in the goodness and love of each parent whose DNA they share. Children know they are one part Mum and one part Dad, therefore if one parent is vilified they take that on board and feel part bad as well.

It is vital that both parents avoid any temptation to demonise the other– a child has the right to a relationship with both parents. To include children in these conversations will scare and confuse them.

Children often miss their fathers but are fearful of voicing it because they fear a negative reaction from their mother. Never use your child to convey messages to the other parent, especially if there is a negative tone to the missive.

The London director of The Parent Practice, Elaine has been a parenting facilitator since 2006, teaching parents in the Wimbledon and Clapham centres. 

She works in schools and nurseries, coordinates our corporate and business seminar programme and works with special educational needs such as dyslexia, dyspraxia and dyscalculia. 

Elaine sees many of our clients in private consultations.

Elaine came into parenting thinking she should instinctively know how to parent.   She sought parenting advice when she felt guilty when she thought she had done a ‘bad job’ and ashamed when she saw someone else parenting the way she wished she could. Being a parent is the most demanding job she has ever done but equally it is a role filled with joy.

Elaine has helped hundreds of families to understand their child’s unique temperament and motivates parents to bring out the best in children and teenagers to ensure they have the opportunity to lead fulfilling lives and be able to cope with life’s knocks.

© the parent practice 2014

photo credit: Destiny via photopin (license)

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